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The sound of the old rusty giant bell in the tower on top of the church’s roof dings through the misty morning, signaling another day to live on. A couple of Eurasian tree sparrows fly away from the momentarily deafening sound, looking for refuge in a nearby oak tree. Dew cornered on the tips of the leaves of the cypress trees, looking like teardrops ready to fall from the edge of a little kid’s eyes. The trees are planted surrounding the church, overgrown into a dense complex resembling human fingers, giving a pseudo feeling of closure, to ensure privacy and protection against prying eyes of outsiders. After the last echo of the ancient bell is gone, the noisy chirps are heard again, like the birds are telling each other it’s okay to hang at the church tower again, and that the big fat bell is silent for now. Everything is in order, in the quietness of the dawn, the calm before the storm of the day.
Everything feels, sounds, and looks just the same as any other morning, except for one man getting out of his parked car before walking eagerly to the church, whistling happy tunes. The man deliberately inhales the cold fresh air of the morning, breathing in as if there is no tomorrow, washing away the city’s pollution from his lungs.
The man is a tall one in his league, his hazelnut brown hair pushed back neatly, his amber colored eyes taking in the view, his tiny smile never seeming to falter in any second. The man dons black from head to toe; a simple two-piece suit consisting of a well-fitted black dinner jacket, a crisp black shirt and a pair of slim black trousers with a set of shiny black Oxford shoes to complete his look.
The man stops his walk right when he reaches the front part of the church gate, taking a moment to slip his hand into the inside breast pocket of his suit, to retrieve a small black velvet case. He holds it in front of his face and opens the lid in one swift motion to reveal a set of rings, making sure the jewelries are in good condition. He sighs in relief before closing and putting the case back into its place, and continues to enter the church grounds.
It’s the man’s wedding day, apparently. Everyone can see it; the glow on the man’s face, the spring in his confident steps, the everlasting grin on his face as he caresses his chest, sensing the palpable bulge of the box containing the wedding rings alongside his beating heart.
The man stops again for the second time after passing the church gate, scanning the surroundings of the place upon him; lavish amount of various wedding paraphernalia garnered the pillars and the walls, strategically placed to beautify the place for the special occasion. All decorations colored in black and its shades, giving a sense of contrast to the whitewashed church walls. A few rows of black wooden chairs are placed outside to accommodate the guests later, with a couple of black iron round tables with empty silver containers to put some light foods to snack on.
The man is just putting his hand on the thick iron handle of the church’s wooden double doors when he hears someone calling his name.
“Mr. Park!” someone calls from the opposite side of the road, effectively halting the man’s long strides. This other man's voice sounds so urgent, his face set in a profound aura.
The soon-to-be-wedded man, Mr. Park, turns around to face the other man. He recognizes the man, it’s the pastor who will take care of his wedding today. “Morning, Pastor Suho.” the taller one out of two replies, his smile widening as the pastor walks closer to him, his charcoal black cloak billowing from his strides.
Both stare at each other for a few seconds—as if having a silent staring competition—before they burst out laughing, their bodies almost bending into half. The pastor is the first to recover. “It’s been a long time since we’ve met, Chanyeol. The days when I used to call you ‘brat’—”
“—And me being a loyal junior, I still called you ‘Junmyeon hyung’!” Chanyeol adds, remembering their old college days.
“How are you? I remember you moved from your old neighborhood that you liked a lot and everyone lost contact with you, after Baekhyun said yes to your undeviated pursuing.” Junmyeon asks. He and Chanyeol only coincidentally met again after Chanyeol’s wedding organizer contacted him to be the pastor.
“I’m grand, as you can see,” Chanyeol replies, twirling elegantly to show off his wedding outfit. ”And for that, Baekhyun wanted me to get an apartment close to his office so he can have a place to rest and he also said he doesn’t like my old friends, so…” Chanyeol shrugs nonchalantly. Junmyeon senses something is a bit off, but he chooses not to meddle further.
“Oh I see. Anyway congratulations, Chanyeol, you’ve reached another milestone in your life,” Junmyeon says proudly, patting the taller man’s back. Today is the day Chanyeol will be a true gentleman, finally claiming someone legitimately as his. “You’re going to be married, to be Baekhyun’s husband.”
“Thank you so much, hyung. I wouldn’t be here without your help,” Chanyeol smiles shyly, cheeks burning red. “Me being Baekhyun’s husband at last…” Chanyeol says the last sentence with his eyes sparkling brightly, and Junmyeon can see the love he has for his groom, Baekhyun, radiating so strong the sun and its heat waves wouldn’t be able to compete.
Junmyeon lightly slaps Chanyeol’s shoulder, bringing him back from cloud nine. “Alright, young man. Let’s go get him.”
With that, the two black-suited men enter the church, chatting and exchanging jokes along the way in. Junmyeon leads Chanyeol to wait in a small hidden room, located next to the pastor’s podium and the heightened pulpit, and let the crew finish the last touch of the decorations. Baubles, streamers, festoon, and ornaments all set! Today is your day to relax, so stay here, Junmyeon had said, before leaving him chuckling and alone, in the room the pastor called the secret chamber.
The sun rises not long after that, spreading its warmth and shine to every part of the city. The warm breeze slips through the golden-colored chimes hanging from the church’s balcony ceiling, creating a melodious ringing sound. The hustle and bustle of the people coming alive adds an ever-changing and unique mix into the usual morning madness.
Chanyeol observes everything outside through the large window, from behind the thick dusty curtain in the small and concealed room Junmyeon had left him. Invitees of Chanyeol’s wedding are swarming the church’s yard, one by one arriving with their respective partners in tow, getting out of their cars or walking along the path on sidewalks leading to the church, ready to fill in the seats inside the black themed church for the day. Chanyeol glances at the busy crews—they’ve stopped milling around—it means last minute preparations are done, everything double-checked.
Chanyeol crosses the room and peeps from the narrow slot in the room’s door that he left opened for a little. He admits he is feeling a bit nervous to the thought that he’s going to marry his boyfriend of two years, and also a bit nauseous looking at the amount of people who will watch him probably mess up his vow because he would be crying from how surreal marrying Baekhyun is.
Chanyeol gives his antique watch a glance. 6.48 AM. Baekhyun hasn’t arrived at the church, but he knows Baekhyun’s tendency to arrive at a place a little bit late to steal the scene, appearing when everyone is already there, and then people would gawk in awe at how good he’s looking. Chanyeol laughs at the scenario in his head, grinning to himself.
So now, while waiting for his soon-to-be husband to come, he seats himself cozily on the only chesterfield chair in the room and let his mind wander.
To Chanyeol, the phrase your life flashes before your eyes as death comes near isn’t entirely correct. To him, your life passes through your eyes every time you make a life changing decision. His reason? Well, for every major moment in your life, there must be one single, almost mundane event that triggered the chain reaction, until it reaches the part when the momentum of it creates something colossal, something you won’t forget—the major moment. And his big moment for today: he is going to marry the man he loves the most. So would it hurt for a little reminiscence of the yesterdays that stacked until today, every domino block that lead to this exact moment?
Let Chanyeol start from the first time he set his eyes on Byun Baekhyun.
Byun Baekhyun, for one, is a man full of unexpectedness.
Baekhyun is the definition of fearless, ferocious, free. Everyone told Chanyeol not to get close with him, not to play with the blazing fire. But Chanyeol knew that his compassionate and warm self would get along just fine with Baekhyun’s flame.
Baekhyun is as delicate as rouge roses, complete with its thorns, as he is as lovely as the roses but he has a dark, hurtful past with his old relationships; tales of abusive, overly jealous exes, treacheries, fights that broke right from the start that crashed everything seethes from him. Everyone told Chanyeol not to get close with him, not to try and pluck one, as it will only hurt him. But Chanyeol knows, a skilled gardener can tame even the wildest roses with tender care and a pair of safety gloves.
Chanyeol is proud to admit that he is enchanted, spellbound, bewitched—name any word that relates to the word absolutely whipped out of the Thesaurus, really—by Baekhyun. When Baekhyun entered Chanyeol’s life, something in him knew what he could have with Baekhyun, and he wanted to make it real, he craved for it to come alive. He would trade his forever just for a nanosecond of Baekhyun.
The journey of getting someone as perfect as Baekhyun, in Chanyeol’s eyes, is not an easy road to walk through. The road isn’t a smooth and straight one—it took Chanyeol months, years even, to melt the glacial iceberg that is Byun Baekhyun. Baekhyun doesn’t trust his heart to anyone, so to Chanyeol, it is an honor if he is chosen to receive his heart, the honor acts like wings that can carry him up above the blues and through the clouds, where he can reach out his hands and touch the face of God. Of course, sacrifices had to be made. But after countless of rejections and trial-and-errors, Baekhyun finally caved in. Even though until this day, after numerous of <i>I love you</i>s from Chanyeol, Baekhyun hasn’t said it back to him. Maybe today is the day he'll hear it coming from Baekhyun’s mouth.
Second glance. 7.14 AM. Still no Baekhyun. Maybe Baekhyun woke up late? Since Chanyeol knows Baekhyun’s habit of waking up late, Chanyeol was always the one who woke Baekhyun up, patting his cheeks gently and softly peppering kisses all over his face. But that was when Baekhyun liked to stop by and have a sleep over at Chanyeol’s apartment. Not anymore now, though.
On the first time Chanyeol confessed his true feelings to Baekhyun, his first answer was that he had been hurt in the past, and no amount of fixing can heal him; reminding Chanyeol of something he had told Chanyeol thousands of times when Chanyeol had patiently listened, treated and cared for Baekhyun during every single of his breakdowns, nightmares, and his panic attacks. To that, Chanyeol had then consolingly replied that he knew Baekhyun might be afraid of what he feels, and he still need time to mend his heart and get back on his feet; and Chanyeol can help if Baekhyun will only let him stay around and try. Because to Chanyeol, it was enough. The fact that at the end, Baekhyun said <i>okay</i>, the fact that Baekhyun kissed him back, and Chanyeol’s overflowing love are enough to cover the both of them. Right?
Chanyeol fixes his simple black tie. It’s the only present Baekhyun has ever gifted him, the one he cherishes the most. Chanyeol hopes for today, Baekhyun will wear his gifts of same themed black tie, matching cufflinks, silver watch, silk handkerchief and leather loafer shoes. Today maybe they can joke and laugh their asses off talking about them wearing each other’s presents.
Just once in his his life, a man has his time, and Chanyeol’s time has come—the time when Chanyeol knew Baekhyun is the one after searching high and low, right after the first time Baekhyun walked into his life—and he took an oath to himself that nothing is going to change his love for Baekhyun, as long as the earth spins on its axis, as long as the stars and the satellites are still hanging on the dark wall of space.
When Chanyeol proposed to Baekhyun, Chanyeol presented him a pair of platinum rings that holds so much memories for him, as those are the rings that has been descended through generations in the Park family. He stood the ground on his knees in front of an alarmed Baekhyun at a fancy restaurant he rented for a night that costed him months of working day and night, with a speech he struggled writing secretly every early hours of the morning just so Baekhyun won’t notice. At first, Baekhyun had answered him with a mumbled no, I am not ready with a slightly distasteful look at the old rings. But two brand new pure gold rings that he bought with a loan from the bank, a few coaxing in forms of boxes of gifts, flower bouquets, and homemade candlelight dinner dates, and another two carefully planned proposals from Chanyeol finally made him said yes on the third try. To Chanyeol, his perseverance and headstrong will to fight for them are enough to cover the both of them. Right?
During their appointments to arrange the necessities for the wedding, most of the time it was Chanyeol who suggest things, plan the scheme, initiate brainstorming for ideas, discuss every single details, organize the crew, schedule rehearsals and meetings, even to the point where he was not having a wink of sleep to make sure everything is perfect. Baekhyun seemed impassive about the whole business, saying whatever you choose, I’ll go with it with a half-hearted smile. But to Chanyeol, it’s enough. His undeterred enthusiasm, devotion and ardent interest are enough to cover the both of them. Right?
When Chanyeol and Baekhyun announced their engagement by hosting a Yule ball, and Chanyeol tried to engage some public display of affection by whispering on Baekhyun’s ears and circling Baekhyun’s waist protectively. Baekhyun only replied with a pat on his back as he refuse the gestures, with a weak <i>I’m too shy for this.</i> Baekhyun seemed hesitant and doubtful about the whole ordeal, spending more time conversing with his friends, leaving Chanyeol to handle the guests alone. But to Chanyeol, it’s enough. His own cheery smiles, unceasing affection and joyful personality are enough to cover the both of them. Right?
Third glance. 7.32 AM. Still no Baekhyun. Maybe Baekhyun is taking a long time to dress himself? Since Chanyeol knows Baekhyun’s habit of taking time to carefully pick his outfit and making sure he looks handsome, flawless even. Chanyeol was always the one who will prepare Baekhyun’s attire for the day, carefully ironing every piece of clothing and laying them on the bed for Baekhyun to wear as soon as he finished his shower. But that was when Baekhyun actually let him to do it. Not anymore now, though.
The day when Baekhyun got promoted, for another example. On that night, Chanyeol found him splayed on the couch, happily chatting with someone on the phone. Upon asking after Baekhyun finished his phone call, Chanyeol found out about the news and that he wasn't the first to know, but Baekhyun’s new work partner named Kyungsoo got the privilege to be one. Chanyeol admitted he was indeed a little bit disappointed that Baekhyun didn’t tell him first, like Chanyeol would if he got a good deal or new projects at work, but Chanyeol realized back then that it was stupid to be jealous over things like that. And that it was normal to be hyped too much until Baekhyun forgot to tell him first. To Chanyeol, his constant understanding, tolerance, and patience are enough to cover the both of them. Right?
When Chanyeol had suggested that they go to the restaurant to celebrate Baekhyun’s promotion and to have some fun after, Baekhyun had rejected with a not-so-sorry apologetic face. His reason was Kyungsoo already invited him to go to the amusement park for ‘bonding’, and he had accepted. Chanyeol, of course, understood, and that he would make it up with a breakfast on the bed that he hoped will end with some morning love making. Which they did the morning after Baekhyun went back to the apartment at 2 AM, although Baekhyun didn’t seem too keen about it. He came first and went asleep, leaving Chanyeol still not done. But Chanyeol, of course, understood. Baekhyun was too tired after a full day at the amusement park. To Chanyeol, he will complete, cater and satisfy Baekhyun’s needs, to make him happy. And that alone is enough to cover the both of them. Right?
That morning Chanyeol also noticed some faint purple bruises on Baekhyun’s neck and hips, as if someone marked him where Chanyeol used to mark when they’re making love. But Chanyeol, of course, was able to push through the uncannily horrid thoughts, and understood. The bruises might be inflicted unconsciously, like from the bumping cars ride or the roller-coaster ride at the amusement park. To Chanyeol, his positive thinking and genuine trust are enough to cover the both of them. Right?
When Baekhyun told Chanyeol to move from his current neighborhood, leave his best friends, and resign from his current job—all in all, everything Chanyeol loves—just so he can move to an apartment closer to Baekhyun’s office. At first it was heavy to say goodbye to the people he felt the most comfortable with, the places he knew so well since childhood and the work he built from zero, so naturally he was opposed to the idea; it was all he treasured, his home. But the disdainful look, the cold shoulder and silent treatment Baekhyun gave him when Chanyeol told him he declined to do so, convinced Chanyeol to just do it. Besides, Chanyeol wants this, Chanyeol wants to be with Baekhyun, he loves Baekhyun beyond anything else; Baekhyun can be his new home to treasure, the base to build a new life with. Because Chanyeol knows as long as he is with Baekhyun, everything will change for the better as time goes. And it’s alright. To Chanyeol, his ability to adjust quickly to the new space, the determination to prove himself capable to Baekhyun and Chanyeol giving his all are enough to cover the both of them. Right?
This is it, Chanyeol knows he’s standing right at the point of no return, where there are no more second chances, there’s no way to refuse, to say no. Chanyeol knew since a long time ago, just for a chance to be with Baekhyun, a chance at loving Baekhyun, he is ready to go through all barriers; through the wall, through the limit, even through the fire. Chanyeol doesn’t mind; he would gladly risk it and take it all the way right down to the wire, through whatever, through come what may. Because Chanyeol pins his hopes of what lies ahead in time on Baekhyun—his past, present, and future—he will definitely make it through the test of time.
Fourth glance. 8.48 AM. Still no Baekhyun. Chanyeol decides to call him. But one ring into the call, then it washis call is rejected. Maybe Baekhyun’s phone battery level is low? Since Chanyeol knows Baekhyun’s habit of forgetting to charge his phone. Chanyeol was always the one who used to charge Baekhyun’s phone, scolding him jokingly, trying to make him laugh. But that was when Baekhyun let him touch his phone. Not anymore now, though.
At some point, many people told Chanyeol to just clear out off of Baekhyun. He deserves better and Baekhyun is too hard on him, they said. But who wants a stagnant and sugarcoated relationship with too much fluff anyway? If you survived the rocky climb of your relationship until you finally reached the altar and til death do them part, now that’s a true relationship, Chanyeol replied easily. People are just fools being jealous of them, trying to break them down when they should have just let them be—now Chanyeol believes that in this world, in their lone fort, the word we only belong to him and Baekhyun.
To Chanyeol, love is the only thing that is true, among the tricks and gimmicks of the dirty world.
The power of Chanyeol’s love is invincible.
Because Chanyeol, for one, is a relentless man.
Fifth glance. 8.54 AM. Still no Baekhyun. Well maybe Chanyeol just needs to wait a bit more. It’s all he does for Baekhyun these days anyway.
Chanyeol sighs contently as he lists and summarizes the memories he had just recounted. He did overcome all sorts of challenges and obstacles, he’s proud of his accomplishments, of his list of sacrifices that goes on and on. He would do anything for Baekhyun, he would be all that Baekhyun needs, he would go on missionaries in foreign lands as a valiant soldier with only his valor and stout heart as his weapons under Baekhyun’s command—he knows it’s an essential part when you love someone. He’s doing everything correctly, right?
Chanyeol is sure he’s so lucky—blessed, fortunate, fortuitous; again, he can literally spout the many synonyms of being lucky—to have Baekhyun.
Chanyeol slips his phone back on his pants’ pocket, putting it on vibrating mode in case of Baekhyun calling him back. Chanyeol is looking at his own reflection on the mirror when he sees his one and only long time best friend that doubles as the leader of the wedding organizer crews, Sehun, peeping from the slightly ajar door; his brunette haired head peeking, hands perched on the doorsill.
“Chanyeol hyung?” Sehun calls. One full-body check on Chanyeol sends him Oooh-ing. “Oh wow, you look good! Let’s go. It’s 9 AM, show time.” Sehun says, smiling, lifting his digital camera to snap a photo.
“Thanks,” Chanyeol says humbly, rising from his seat, the flash from the camera blinded him for a moment. But then he realizes his groom is still missing, so he hesitantly adds, “But Baekhyun’s not here yet.”
“Oh really? Should we wait some more?” Sehun asks, looking around to the empty room except for Chanyeol, scratching his not itchy head.
Chanyeol thinks for a second. “Um, I guess he’ll come right on time. I should just go now.” Chanyeol says, as he breathes out one last nervous huff, mentally preparing himself.
“Yeah, hyung. I’m sure he’ll make a grand appearance.” Sehun assures, gesturing Chanyeol to come with him.
Chanyeol imagines Baekhyun walking down the aisle to him, wearing the white three-piece suit set he got for him, personally tailored from a particularly expensive and well-known designer line—a white tuxedo, a pair of white slim-fitted trousers, cream colored vest, diamond trinkets... Baekhyun will be the only white among the sea of black—the light in the darkness. Satisfied with the images in his head, Chanyeol comes out of his hiding den to find the place already a third quarter filled with invitees, laughing and talking to each other, buzzing around. They walk for a bit before arriving at the altar, Junmyeon already in his full pastor attire, the invitees in their appointed seats on the rows of long benches, all waiting for their grooms for the day as they look up to him.
“You’re going to kill this one, hyung. I’ll see you after the wedding is over, I’ll be in the back recording everything. Good luck!” Sehun whispers quickly, tapping Chanyeol’s shoulders one last time to brush off any kind of dust before scurrying to the backside of the church with a handycam ready on his hands.
This is it, Park Chanyeol’s time to shine, he sing-songs on his mind. He tugs on the peaked lapels of his suit, straightening even the smallest crumple on his shirt, before positioning himself to wait for Baekhyun in the altar.
Suddenly the double doors of the church open with a loud noise, as if someone pushes it with vigor and just can’t wait to deliver good news. The sound it caused makes Chanyeol breaks from his reverie and silencing everyone’s jabber, leaving a tense aura hanging in the air. Chanyeol turns around, there he sees a silhouette of a man, casted by the bright sunshine behind him. Chanyeol shields his eyes with his hand from the blinding light, is it Baekhyun?
The man walks forward, allowing Chanyeol to see him clearly. A man with jet-black hair, hard expression, black blazer and dark blue jeans that snugly fit his body parts, looking strikingly good, stands under the arch of the double doors.
It’s Kyungsoo. Chanyeol recognizes the man from the many pictures Baekhyun showed him on his phone, from their many outings, Baekhyun had said. Those were the rare times where Baekhyun actually told him details about his days. He even smiled and laughed more—all after meeting Kyungsoo, even though he doesn’t do it with Chanyeol much—which made Chanyeol feel so delighted at that time.
Kyungsoo struts with ease, the sound of his shoes echoing in the silent space, eyes on Chanyeol. He reaches the altar in no time and pulls out a poorly folded paper before shoving it to Chanyeol’s hands.
“Kyungsoo, hi—” Chanyeol greets with his signature smile ready, extending his right hand to shake Kyungsoo’s hand.
Kyungsoo doesn’t reply. He eyes the hand, expression full of loathing as if there is dirt on Chanyeol’s hands before he brushes Chanyeol’s hand off. But maybe Chanyeol just imagined it. “What’s this?”
“Just read it.” Kyungsoo says, with unreadable expression on his face. Chanyeol thinks he saw something devilish in the glint of Kyungsoo's eyes, but that couldn’t be, this is the man who brought back the bubbly and cheery Baekhyun. Right?
Chanyeol slowly unfolds the paper. As he examines it, the first thought that comes across his mind is that it seems whoever made the letter didn’t think importantly of the condition of the letter, as they didn’t bother to put it inside an envelope, blotched ink stains evident on the corners. The letter was crumpled at some point, judging from its awfully wrinkled state.
Chanyeol.
Chanyeol knows the abstruse but bold handwriting—Baekhyun’s. He smiles a little, thinking what the future partner of his life has written to him. A surprise? A quest to find him, like those classic traditions to complete before getting married? A riddle to solve? A declaration of love? As he tries to hide his excited giggles, he continues to read.
I just got the news that I'm going to be transferred to my company’s branch office as Head Director in Paris, with Kyungsoo as my partner. And I’m leaving today.
The smile on Chanyeol’s face gets wider, showing the white rows of his teeth, his face lights up; eyes forming half moons, nose scrunching in the cutest puppy-like way—the surprise clearly puts him in an ebullient mood. Baekhyun gets himself the position he has been aiming for years, this is the best news he received today! All the hard work and days spent at his office until late night with Kyungsoo are paying off! But then he frowns, bewildered, as he recheck the last sentence he didn’t pay attention to before. Baekhyun is leaving today? How about the weddi—ah. It can be rescheduled, calmly Chanyeol assures himself. If living with Baekhyun teaches you one thing, it’s to actuate himself, to always know what to do even before Baekhyun asks for it. So this is just another task to complete. It’s not going to be easy to do that but for Baekhyun he will make sure everything is done. Everything is possible for Baekhyun, right?
After a second thought, last night, I realized I never invested myself in the idea of a real, healthy and functioning relationship.
I have to admit that I seek something else. Something else that you don’t have. Kyungsoo has it. So there you go.
Chanyeol’s heart stops beating for a split second before beating again, now with venom of uneasiness rushing through his veins, his heart contracts way too tight for him to breathe properly causing his breathing to hitch. His burning thoughts on arranging the plan of changing the wedding day flicker off and vanish, as if someone blew on the candle, leaving only trails of smoke. Who does Kyungsoo think he is, when no one else can compare to Chanyeol’s level when it comes to loving Baekhyun? A new thought forms; Kyungsoo stole Baekhyun!
I’m too damaged, tainted and toxic. A marriage is a pure thing that I will never deserve.
I don’t even know why I accepted your proposal. It was clearly a mistake. I was too naïve back then.
Chanyeol doesn’t understand, fright starts to slither into his mind. Did he do anything wrong? Did he accidentally make a grave mistake? Did he miscalculate his steps? Did he oversee a flaw that blemished his perfect plan? Did he—
He knew it. It must be his fault.
Chanyeol. I love you, really. And I don’t want to hurt you.
Bye.
Baekhyun
Chanyeol read the last paragraphs with a blur, from the familiar hot liquid that starts to pool on the corner of his eyes and from the sudden dizziness of his befuddled mind.
Chanyeol looks up from the paper in his hands, all energy seeped out of his system. The high artificial wall of reassurance that he built to cover the fact that Baekhyun, not even once, tried to fight for their relationship, for them, is finally blown away with one shot from the revolver Baekhyun fired—one punch of truth Baekhyun himself voiced in his letter. The rubble are rolling down, threatening to bury him deep down in the dawning state of chaos; cracks are starting to spread from the bullet hole across the thin, fragile glass layer that is his sanity. But—has he ever been sane, when it comes to Baekhyun?
Chanyeol laughs humorlessly. Time slows down and the whole world goes mute. The silence is in its strongest presence, almost deafening, as if he could hear the soft swish of a feather dropping down, the ticking of his watch never seems so loud. All Chanyeol can hear are the two debating voices in his mind, getting louder than ever as they argue. On and on, they swirl...
First of all, Chanyeol always abide by Baekhyun’s only rule, an unspoken one, and that is to never interfere with his verdict. Nevertheless, Baekhyun always lets him to do whatever he wants, to steer where they’re going to, to make the decision for everything in their relationship. But now, when Baekhyun finally decides something, it’s to decide that it’s better for them to separate ways? But no, this can't be happening, right? Chanyeol needs Baekhyun with him, he’s the constituent part that makes up his life—he’d drop onto his knees to kneel and beg for him to stay. God only knows what he would be without Baekhyun...
Second. The memories, the moments, the domino blocks, the chain reactions. All leading not to his wedding with the love of his life, but to this. Baekhyun walking out and slamming the door on his face. His own illusions blinded him. In the suffocating darkness, he can only watch hopelessly as the domino blocks come crashing down on him, the chain reactions end up exploding and dissolving everything in strong acid. But Baekhyun—the one he knows so well like the creases of his own skin; so certain like the indisputable way the sun will rise from the west every morning; so familiar as if he was destined to live in the same body every time he was reincarnated just to find Baekhyun in every life—will save him, he will never leave him alone, right? Baekhyun is the only savior he has to rescue and guide him out of whatever this situation is. So for Baekhyun he will wait...
Third. Love is the only thing left that is true, the only component Chanyeol highly regards as the only pristine element of the human nature. But Baekhyun wrote it in his letter negligently as if he just offhandedly stamped a plaster on broken pieces of a mirror, then expects it to return to its original state and show reflections without cracks. But Baekhyun finally said his part of I love you to him for the first time, right? Shouldn’t he be happy? Even though it is also said for the last time, it is the only lifeline Chanyeol has and all he ever wants...
Last but not least, apparently it’s not enough. Right. But there must be something else he can do for Baekhyun, something more! Someone please, please tell him what he needs to do, be it one or a thousand more things to do, he’s desperate for anything and he swears he’d do it right away. Anything for Baekhyun, right? Rewind time, turn day into night, snare the moonlight or snatch the stars—he’ll build every dream Baekhyun has with his two hands. He’d do it all...
Chanyeol laughs again, bitterly this time, but with sweet victory in his mind. His ever-forgiving and magnanimous side wins again, as always—for Baekhyun.
A sudden sound pulls Chanyeol back from the depth of his mind, time back on its unstoppable track. From behind Kyungsoo’s unmoving figure, Chanyeol can see Sehun running from his spot at the back. “Hyung! What happened?” Sehun inquires, face concerned, shoving Kyungsoo out of the way.
Chanyeol says nothing, only slowly handing Sehun the cursed letter, still coming out of his daze. His face is blank with no expression, but his mind has taken a hundred and eighty degrees turn and the path in front of him has morphed into an inescapable maze.
Sehun takes the letter harshly, impatient. He reads it in a flash, eyeballs moving side to side in a quick motion. Once he finishes reading the last sentence, he turns to shake Chanyeol’s shoulders. “What the fuck, hyung? What is this?”
“You’ve read it,” Kyungsoo deadpans, as if the obvious fact doesn’t hurt at all. He turns his head to the mortified Chanyeol and continues, “Found this... interesting thing when Baekhyun was in the shower. It was crumpled next to the dustbin, probably he meant to dump it, but missed. Serves it right for such a dumb letter," Kyungsoo scoffs, eyes traveling lazily to inspect the church's insides.
"That I love you he wrote, don’t get it wrong. It’s just to show he still spares a pitying thought for you, even if it’s just for a little. You need to get this through your head: he never cared about you. You and I fully well know that letter is just rubbish, a forsaken effort of meaningless small talk. I can’t even comprehend why he doesn’t take my advice to just leave, even went as far as writing that letter,” Kyungsoo chuckles darkly. “Even though he abandoned it, because maybe he realized at the end you’re just a waste of his time.”
Chanyeol wonders how Kyungsoo can say all those words in the most insulting way to crucify him, but at the same time also quietly in a way no one can’t hear it but the two of them, making sure no one sees through his seemingly harmless look; just like a bully. When he thought the parade of ridicule is over, Kyungsoo continues his jeerings.
“But I knew better, there must be something else. And I'm right, he still has you nailing him down. I decided he needs help to detach himself from a leech like you. So here I am to wake you up. Baekhyun is with me. Forget him.” Kyungsoo finishes, face cold and ruthless, his icy eyes finally land back on Chanyeol’s. But Chanyeol knows better, he can see the raven-eyed man's pride for taking away the one and only precious thing he thought he owned for himself alone.
“How the fuck you—” Sehun bursts, ready to charge with his fists balled and pointed at Kyungsoo, fury burning in his eyes. Sehun just couldn’t let anyone degrade Chanyeol, the man who he knows is too innocent and harmless, who always apologizes when he isn’t at fault, who wears his heart upon his sleeves and so virtuous for he always stands up for what he knows is right; he would die a righteous man.
Sensing things will take a dangerous turn, Chanyeol quickly strains Sehun from thrashing around and moving one step closer to the jet-black haired man. Kyungsoo only takes a scant glimpse towards Sehun and Chanyeol, his face remains stoic and unbothered as ever.
“Sehun, no—calm down!” Chanyeol hisses, reprimanding Sehun who still struggles against his hold and at the same time barricading Kyungsoo with his extended arms before further accidents happen. He doesn’t need a commotion to wreck through, the curious heads of the guests are starting to bob, looking at their group of three.
“Ha. Knew it. You guys are bunch of nothing. No wonder Baekhyun decided to leave you.” Kyungsoo sneers with nimbus of arrogance reeking from every word he says, as he jabs his index finger at Chanyeol’s chest. A sinister smile forms on his face, clearly enjoying the torture he rendered, after seeing Chanyeol staggering back as the effect of just that one push.
Chanyeol can see it—the audaciousness in Kyungsoo's bearing, despite the very much noticeable height difference between them, the shorter one holds more boldness in his stance more than him. Not for once he flinched or even paused, when he delivered all those vile words out of his mouth. That is probably the number one factor on how he and Baekhyun got along so well as friends. Friends? No—best friends. That is all they have between them, right?
There is no way Baekhyun is with Kyungsoo, Chanyeol denies it wholeheartedly. Chanyeol entrusts his heart in Baekhyun’s hands to keep it safe, he knows what they have is real.
After a second thought, Chanyeol grows suspicious. Kyungsoo might lie and the letter might be a fake, despite the similar handwriting style. Why should he trust Kyungsoo, when the only person in the world trustworthy enough is Baekhyun? Chanyeol won’t accept anything unless it comes right through Baekhyun’s mouth.
“Where is he.” Chanyeol says, voice strangely calm and composed. The sudden change of atmosphere perplexed even himself, effectively shutting down Sehun's flails, even Kyungsoo seems to be surprised by it. Chanyeol doesn’t even expect his own reaction to come out as that, but when Kyungsoo mentioned Baekhyun’s name... He feels like he knows what to do. This isn't Baekhyun’s fault, Baekhyun is as pure as a saint, an angel. Baekhyun is never at fault. He should have not mixed up his anger for Kyungsoo with Baekhyun. Right?
Kyungsoo is amused, this Park person Baekhyun was fond of turned out to be a tough one to break. He needs to rile him up. My Baekhyun? My apartment. He’s been living with me after he got bored of you. And we're getting ready to leave for Paris today, you know.” Kyungsoo taunts with his tone mocking, before he snickers heartily. Again, Chanyeol can’t believe someone who looks as harmless as Kyungsoo could hold so much hatred.
Chanyeol doesn’t say anything else. With the speed of light, Chanyeol moves, shocking the gaping and stunned Sehun. Sehun, with his reflexes, tries to reach and grasp Chanyeol’s arms to stop him, but Chanyeol’s sudden inhumane strength that only Baekhyun’s name can summon outpowered him.
Chanyeol runs to grab his keys and sprints out of the church, leaving everyone murmuring of what is really happening to their groom, now their bobbing heads turn to follow him out. He doesn’t even realize that he knows nothing about Kyungsoo's apartment address, but somehow his brain instructed him to just go, even if it’s in the middle of nowhere. Back then, Chanyeol would brush off and ignore the prominent signs of—not Kyungsoo's, never and will never be—his Baekhyun slipping away from the tight grasp of his fingers, but now he’s determined that he’s going to take control and break Baekhyun’s only rule for the first time in forever. He’s going to interfere—he’s going to reclaim what is rightfully his.
Because as fate wrote it in the heavens, Chanyeol is a relentless man.
Chanyeol quickly rushes to his car, sits himself in the driver’s seat and pushes the ignition button in a rush. He rewinds the car out of the parking lot, turning the steering wheel dangerously. He drives without paying attention to Sehun's panicked <i>Hyung! Wait!</i> shouts as the younger tries to outrun his car, or Kyungsoo’s resounding mirthful laughter that followed his sickening Farewell… croon. For now, he just need to clear his mind for one thing: the last chance to get his Baekhyun back.
He drives, and strangely the road is empty. Not one vehicle or one person visible, as if a queer silence descended over the scene and got rid of everything living. He stomps on the gas pedal as hard as he can, the speedometer shows the velocity of both his car and his heart—two hundred miles per hour. He shouts in triumph in his head, his heart soaring high, adrenaline flooding in his veins and arteries. Maybe this is the Lord’s doing, approving him. Maybe he can turn the inevitable. Maybe he can reach the impossible limit. Maybe he can persuade the impervious. Maybe he can get Baekhyun back!
Chanyeol, with his now crazed and mad mind, doesn’t see a long truck coming from the left side road ahead, his eyes blinded with flashes of Baekhyun’s smiles from far away in a distance, that he wanted so bad to be the cause of. Doesn’t hear the repeated honking the truck driver has been giving him, his ears deafened by the ringing of Baekhyun’s laugh, that he wanted so bad to be a part with—
And crash.
It all goes in a blur, just like in the silver screens, as if it’s not real…
Tires screeching against the cemented road, iron colliding against iron with an ear-splitting noise. Sickening sounds of bones cracking, splintering, and crunching. Blood trickling from every crevice of his body, splattering and painting everything in vicinity gloomy red. Severely ripped suit, deep gashes, slashed open flesh, endless agonizing and excruciating pain. Last heart pulses and choked up breaths. Body petrified, paralyzed, the cold chilling feel when life reeks out of him, iciness spreading in exchange of his warmth leaving its confinement and lastly, an unrecognizable, disfigured face…
Chanyeol chuckles for the last time, life does flash before your eyes as death is hovering over you, ready to snatch your soul. Because now he can confirm it, the penultimate moment before the apparent doom consumes him.
Passing through his blank eyes are fleeting views of himself—that he thought he already buried deep down in the darkest and deepest dungeon, locked with the most secure keys, nailed thousands of times with the biggest hammer, shielded by injurious hexes that are his own lies to himself—that he refuses to acknowledge to exist until hell freezes over even though it all presented itself in front of his eyes so clear, clearer than black upon white—
Shadows of himself silently crying his heart out in his room, alone, asking the ghosts of his mind if he was worth it to be with Baekhyun.
Of himself having continued unbearably painful headache, thinking for more than one can count of what else he can do for Baekhyun when he has given every single bit of him, every last drop of his thought, every step, and every second of his time.
Of himself gulping a bottle of sleeping pills because he couldn’t sleep—insomnia and shades of repugnant thoughts knocking at the door of his dreams keeping him awake—his mind filled with worry because often Baekhyun wasn’t home yet even though it was already 2 AM in the morning, his phone unreachable.
Of himself having anxiety about what if every endeavour he does and the efforts he put for Baekhyun are still not enough?
Of himself living side by side with his admitted defeat, of Baekhyun who chose Kyungsoo over him, eradicating him from existence in Baekhyun’s eyes, when he thought he was the perfect one for Baekhyun.
Of himself distressed, thinking about the bills he needs to pay and the time when he was almost beaten into a pulp after a bank debt collector came, with hit men who threatened him to pay his debts; but at the same time still thinking how to buy more presents to spoil Baekhyun.
Of himself trying to down a bottle of liquor to deal with his stress and just forget, that ended up with him throwing the bottle away, breaking the glass—and somehow one of the sharp-edged shard of glass had been close to slice open his wrist's artery, one movement away from him bleeding to death…
Chanyeol knows he should’ve seek out for some help, but imprisoned by the dark thoughts, isolated from warmth of a real love, barricaded by his own foolish trials to meet up Baekhyun’s expectations… He couldn’t reach out, he was too busy trying to save himself from the fire he didn’t know when or where started. Maybe he knew, maybe it was him all along, but there is nothing he can do now. He’s just tired, and he wants to let go… Please forgive him.
Chanyeol realizes it all now, all of it—during the scientifically proven last eight minutes of human brain to sort the thoughts before it goes completely dead—the wedding theme to be all black turns out to be for his funeral; if he ever gets a proper one. And he did reach the altar, but only for death to come and take him away before any vows of love are spoken; if there were love present at the first place, anyway. Sehun was right, he indeed killed this one; he killed and erased himself today. The satires keep on haunting him, the ones that exposed the truths and crushed his figment of imaginations of him, of Baekhyun, of them.
Chanyeol is only a second option, the last resort, the back-up, a broken toy, another nameless trophy collected only to be left dusting on the shelf—someone to take advantage of. And the funny thing is that, he eagerly accepts it all. For Baekhyun.
The power of Park Chanyeol’s love turns out to be invisible in the eyes of Byun Baekhyun.
Byun Baekhyun is a double-edged sword—he is the light in Chanyeol’s life, the illuminating light that shines on him to show the wonders of the universe and the blinding light that leaves him unseeing of anything else and shrouds his common sense.
Byun Baekhyun, in his truest form, is indeed a delicate rose with its thorns. But what Chanyeol didn’t see are the daggers blooming alongside its petals, ready to stab him right in his heart. Only now Chanyeol realizes his bleeding chest pierced by a dagger deeply buried in up to its hilt, its tip besmirched by the deadliest poison that contaminated every intake of his breath, its hold twisted with utmost pressure to add excruciating ache. Guess whose hands are gripping and pushing the dagger deeper? That’s right—Baekhyun’s—the very same hands he has faith on to keep it safe.
He should have known, daggers and roses symbolize the duality of human life through the seemingly contradictory elements. A rose means beauty, friendship, vitality, love; while a dagger means destruction, betrayal, insidiousness, death. He should have known.
Or maybe he knew it all along, and his disoriented mind—well, disoriented minds can never differentiate right or left. Right or wrong. Reality or distorted illusion. Love or obsession. Love or infatuation. Love or limerence. Love... or the willingness and reckless trust to do things against logic, against all odds, even though it gives you a one-way ticket to lose your life.
But—Chanyeol has nothing to lose, if he lost Baekhyun already. If Baekhyun should ever leave him, the world has lost its appeal, it could show nothing to him, so what good would living do him?
This is Byun Baekhyun’s world, and we are all just living in it.
And being the good liar to himself, as he musters his last drop of strength, Chanyeol manages to smile. He convinces himself that he is truthfully and honestly happy as he reminds himself of the oath he took—nothing is going to change his love for Baekhyun, because even if the world lose a Park Chanyeol, life goes on; the earth stays spinning on its axis, the stars and the satellites are still hanging side by side somewhere out there in the uninterrupted space—and that his last thought is about Baekhyun, even if it’s a painful one.
Just like Icarus, who attempted to escape from Crete with wings of wax and feathers, but flew so high his wings melted because of the scorching sun before he plunged to his death in the sea, Chanyeol lets go and embraces his demise with open arms.
And everything goes dark.
⋆⋆⋆
The crash was ruled as an accident, since witnesses testified to the police officers and detectives that they saw how Chanyeol’s car sped up, too fast, and it was proven that the truck driver did all he can to push the brake pedal and honked to notify Chanyeol. Investigations showed evidence that there was no alcohol on his system, and that Chanyeol’s car accelerated faster the more it got closer to the crash point, no tire skid marks on the asphalt road—no trace of brakes or slowing down; as if Chanyeol purposely stepped on the gas and let it all happen...
Baekhyun postponed his flight for a day, just enough to pay his last visit at Chanyeol's funeral, where he watched from a distance under the shadows. That day, the sky was opaque dark, grey clouds and rain blanketed everything with gloom, and in an unnerving way, the guests still wore the black attire from the day before’s cancelled ceremony of the tying of love—which ironically turned into a ceremony for the dead groom. For only five minutes, Baekhyun watched when Chanyeol’s coffin was lowered to the ground, along the tears of the attendees and the heavy raindrops. After that, without further ado, he was dragged away to catch his flight by the all-too-eager-to-leave Kyungsoo linked on his arms.
Only a small bead of tear appeared on Baekhyun’s face, but even that was quickly smudged, wiped away, with a spiteful flick of Kyungsoo’s fingers. God only knows whether the essence of the tear was of sympathy, of loss; or just from obtuse fear of indirectly taking someone's life…
When the crowd dispersed and the couple was gone, the cemetery hidden behind the church was silent once again; save for steady rain and the rowdy croaking of the black Northern crows and ravens claiming their territory from the church sparrows. The friends of the ink dark feathered birds finally flew away to perch on top of the ancient tombs as they watched the human cabaret from far away. Then, their tiny eyes noticed a shining distraction that rolled on the wet grassy ground. As it thudded soundlessly on the dead groom’s grave, they saw it;
It was a golden ring.
Baekhyun never came back.