Archive of Our Own

If Yuri Plisetsky had to look back at his life, he just would not be able to pinpoint the precise moment where it all had changed.

He always thought he was one to be alone, every day of his personal life and on his way to any kind of peak he was trying to reach. He thought there wouldn’t be anyone to love that could or would love him the same way he would.

So he just pretended it was fine to be this way. It was the way he always had lived, after all.

_________________

It had all started with school.

Yuri decided to be homeschooled by the age of thirteen, when his hair finally started to get as long as he wanted it and he won on his first Junior Grand Prix final.

The kids on his school mocked him so hard for his long golden locks and the medal he sported proudly around his neck after returning from Berlin that he left the school crying that day, running to his grandpa's arms and crying himself to sleep on their car.

“Yurachka, maybe you don’t have to go to school anymore. I’ll see if I can get you a tutor, I’m pretty sure one of your mother’s friends is a teacher… We can work things out, I don’t want to see you like this ever again.” He whispered to him after he woke up, eyes wet and puffy with his heart broken.

Yet, Yuri would never allow his grandpa to spend a single penny on him. He already spent far too much of his money on Yuuri’s coaching fees and skating supplies, without counting in the food, the supplements and the special vitamins along with his hair treatment. So Yuri thought about it and decided to do something on his own, to keep his grandfather a little bit less worried about him.

He told Yakov about it a couple of days after it, suggesting what Nikolai had said but not mentioning it had been his idea, otherwise Yakov would go and talk to him and Yuri did not want that to happen just yet.

“I can’t focus on my skating when I’m thinking too hard abut what my classmates say about me.” Was his motive, rather than his actual excuse. “It’s not like I have too much friends, anyway.” Or at all, but Yakov didn’t need to know about that.

“Are you sure?” He sighed. “You know I’ve always encouraged my students to keep up their studies…”

“I don’t want to drop out, I just don’t want to go to school if it’s going to affect my skating.”

Yakov tried to breathe in deeply. This kid was far too thoughtful (and troubled) for his age.

“Not only for their education because it helps them to become better at empathizing… Like Mila!” Yakov said, trying to show a joyful example.

“That old hag?”

“She’s one of the best I’ve ever had, Yuri. But she used to be so shy  and look at her now! She’s not only really easygoing today but also really great at entertaining a crowd with her skating. She pulled that from high school, you know?”

Yuri huffed.

“She didn’t even make it to this year’s GP, so I’ll take that comment with a pinch of salt.” He said before looking to his feet and mumbling. “Please, Yakov. You have to help me.”

 So he gave in and promised Yuri that if he finished that school year with the best grades of his class he would get him a private tutor for him at the rink so he could study between training and practice.

Yuri received a diploma on the best grades of the school that year.

Yakov was a man of his words and he got Yurio one of the best tutors he could get, suggestion from his ex so he wouldn’t actually screw up his skater formation.

For him, it was quite relieving to study alone in such a peace he almost forgot what was like to be teased.

Until he tried to apply for a public high school around the rink.

‘What's that? A boy or a girl?’

‘Definitely a girl. I think I've seen him around the ice rink wearing a dress.’

'I heard he's homeschooled. He's never going to make it here.”

Yuri had the top score of the area on the state education evaluation.

Although in the end he just decided it was better to keep up with his private lessons.

“All my other skaters are too big. I would recommend you to really consider getting into school so you can make some friends.” His coach tried again, later into his training with Yuri. “Maybe get a girlfriend, boyfriend- whatever…” Yakov was old enough to know it was never safe to assume. He just mentioned him what he thought with a flutter of his hands before placing both of them on Yuri’s shoulders. “It'd be good for you. Maybe it can inspire or motivate you for next season. You'll finally be on the senior league and you could definitely use some encouragement from kids your age.”

“Friends won't make me Russia's best skater and a partner won't get me into the world's top five.” He mumbled, stretching his legs on a split as he pushed his Coach's hands away, softly. “Besides as long as Victor stays true to his word I'll be motivated enough and in top shape for the eliminatory. Don't worry.” Was all he said.

Yakov sighed, getting up from the chair he was in and walked away from Yurio. The last time he cared so much about a skater he cried with Victor on a therapy session at America that got his already spent heart soaring with a physical pain that resided on his chest for at least six months.

But he couldn't leave Yuri alone.

He knew children were cruel and unaware of their words and actions, never conscious of what the harm they could inflict on the rest when they were not being careful.

That was also the reason Yuri thought he shouldn't be one to be friendly.

It had been already the loss of his parents, especially of his mother, that made him build a fence around himself to protect him from any pain or damage. It was now the whisper of kids laughing at him that turned that fence into a wall.

He turned fifteen.

Victor did not keep his promise.

That was until he followed him to a little town no one's heard about in the middle of Japan to make him do what he do what he swore he would do.

Then he met Katsuki Yuuri, one of his idols who he had seen crying into a crumbling mess on a bathroom stall a year ago. He felt the sting of regret, making him wish he had been nicer to the other skater. After all, he wished all the time for people to be kinder to him.

But he had captured Victor. He had taken him away from Yuri. From Yakov and Russia.

No matter how kind, good-hearted and loving the other skater was, Yuri had to swallow the lump in his throat and push him away on the road to the Onsen on Ice challenge. He would get Victor back to where he belonged, making him pay his dues with him and get Yuri on the top of the score board. He wouldn't be sympathizing around with a weak skater that couldn't control his emotions.

Even if it made Yuri feel sorry for himself. He truly appreciated Katsuki.

“I think you’ll do great on the Onsen on Ice, despite your routine and all that. If you’ve found your Agape it’ll be okay. You’re one of the best skaters I’ve ever met and you’ve just begun.” Katsuki admitted to him, rubbing his back with his knuckles after some particularly hard day. “Don’t think too much about it and you will be just fine.”

Yuri felt like smiling, but he just rolled his eyes.

“Like you’re one to talk on relaxing.” He huffed and Yuuri laughed light-heartedly. “I’ll crush you.”

The older skater just gave him a sheepish smile.

“I’m counting on that.”

Because gold medals were only made for one neck. And it would be him wearing one.

Once he had made it to the podium he would let Victor do whatever the hell he wanted. God, if he managed to get him back to Russia he could push the older skater into the ice once more to crush him on this year’s season before he proceeded with that dumb retirement shit so he could get back to Japan and that lame skater of his.

He just had to win first.

But Yuri had underestimated Katsuki. He was still Japan's top skater for a reason. He made it to the Grand Prix final on his first attempt for something. He didn't get the best presentation points of the entire international male figure skating division for anything. He wasn't Yuri's idol just because he was cute.

So he went back to Russia, feeling defeated.

And yet he knew he couldn't carry his pain and need for Victor around, either.

Yuri had, at least, that beautiful program of his that would crush everyone in the GP before he could even land his first quad on the ice.

And he did.

Because he won.

He knew all the time he would but when he felt the gold on his chest he couldn't help but weep even more as he saw Katsuki beside him. The skater deserved what he had on his neck, that medal that Yuri practically stole from his hands when he delivered a perfect program and Yuri fell (literally) on a pathetic attempt to make him stay on the ice once more. He directed his program towards the couple he felt so angry but so thankful at and messed Lila's perfect choreography by putting too much feeling on it.

He did what he didn't and should've done on his Agape program on the wrong moment and ended up winning by nothing a medal that shouldn't be his.

Then he had to swallow Yuuri's sappy exhibition program.

He almost cried before stepping into the ice when it was his turn.

He looked at himself on the clear surface when he made it to the centre of the rink, Otabek leaning on the other side of it when the music blasted through everyone's ears at the final event of the Barcelona Grand Prix.

Lila would probably have a heart attack when she saw that what he was skating was definitely not that Angel of the Fire elegy she had prepared to him in honor of his formation as a ballerina and to the city that hosted his first big victory. It was pretty much the same as his free skate so he set it aside. And, since he didn't want to jump in the air and glide through the ice with delicacy and elegance after seeing Yuuri and Victor doing exactly that with all that love in their eyes and movements that made Yakov sniffle for the whole presentation, he thought of going with something that portrayed him the best.

Fuck, he didn't know shit about love but he suddenly craved all that he saw and more because it was exactly what he never had.

What he wouldn't have.

So, scratch that. He wasn’t going to get all lovely on the ice. Not after Agape.

He landed his first quad and rushed through that routine, anger boiling up in his blood and then to that Russian spagat jump, landing harshly as he looked discreetly at Otabek.

Why couldn't he find someone to trust him enough to let them carry him in the air? He barely managed a bite on his finger to pull off a glove without squirming away. Had Yakov been right? All those years ago? Should've he tried to make friends and get a couple for a while so he wouldn't feel all this all of the sudden?

Probably.

He felt the ice burning his back as he finally finished with his exhibition, applause thundering on his ears and screams reverberating on his bones as he got up by Otabek's hand. They smiled to each other and then looked at the crowds, doing a couple of laps before stepping out of the rink.

On the far end of the place, too close to the locker room entrance, he saw Yuuri and Victor smiling hugely at him. They waved their hands and Yuri just snorted before acknowledging them with a nod of the head. They had been good but he was better.

After that he just had dinner on his room with Otabek, watching some loud Gore movie before saying goodbye for almost three months.

“C’mon it’s not like we live on the nineteenth century, we’ve got Skype Yura.” Otabek said at the airport, their planes departed with just an hour of difference so they decided to get going together.

“I know, but it won’t be the same.” He complained.

“It won’t… But then I’ll see you at worlds and we’ll make it up. Okay?” His warm eyes looked over his face while he only nodded, smiling just a bit before listening his airplane call.

“I guess I’ll see you, then.” He muttered and Otabek nodded, doubting just for a mere second before dipping his head and kissing him on the forehead.

Yuri blushed furiously and tried not to look at him.

‘What the fuck?’, he thought then. Yuri stepped a bit closer and wrapped his arms around Otabek’s wide midriff, trying to hide his sigh as he breathed deeply into his friend’s musk caramel scent. Otabek let out a laugh and hugged him back, one arm on the shoulders and other lifting his hand to rest on top of the other one’s head.

“You should be going, I won’t be able to release you if you stay one second more.”

Tempting, but not enough.

He let go of his friend and waved him off as he ran to the departures section where Yakov was looking at him with something that resembled paternal concern and Lila gave him a really weird but somehow special knowing smile. Yuri just ignored them both.

And Mila, who just did not know how to shut up.

When they saw each other again Yuri was suddenly that tightly locked person once more. He turned down his friend's offer for dinner and coffee because he felt like being alone. Yuri decided to practice and warm up by himself, because he thought he couldn't have others trying to catch up to his rhythm. And lastly, he even ignored that date suggestion from that German ballet dancer because Yuri couldn't even think about affection without that pang of jealousy coming from the darkest pit on his stomach. The one he used to bury the bodies of those that had left him because he was too much.

And yet, Otabek waited.

_________________

More than four years had passed by from his first Grand Prix. Finally, justice had been done and Katsuki was ending him and everyone else even on his last season before retiring to become a professional choreographer. The man, on top of winning left and right over every skater and his husband for the past three years, he had managed to get a degree on the teaching of dancing besides that linguistic minor he already had.

Yuri still was star struck with him.

So it wasn’t really that much of a bugger to lose to him on that year’s World Championship, Katsuki was retiring from competitive figure skating and Yuri was just warming up, maybe he could get him to choreograph his programs next seasons to keep him by his side and in check with that annoying husband of his. It would be nice.

He stepped outside the rink and decided he wouldn’t even bother with the rest of the formalities of the evening, he just wanted to get some real sleep and he probably would since he had to.

Yakov, also on his last season as a coach, kissed the top of his head and hugged him even more tightly than he had ever done so. He didn’t say anything, he still had tomorrow.

So he excused himself, jogging to the lockers as he could with his skate guards on and an incredibly increasing hunger on the base of his stomach. He sighed and changed under a breath, shoving his belongings to his bag and asking for a cab to get him to the hotel.

As soon as Yuri got into his hotel floor, he got out his room card and passed it through the lock system to enter his place. He turned on the lights and the first thing to receive him was Otabek, left arm fumbling through his cellphone and right hand holding a huge bouquet of salmon and pale pink tulips with violets adorning the other flowers.

“The hell are you doing here?” Was all Yuri could say, making the other lift his head.

“Got here as soon as your free skate finished. Lila gave me a copy to your room so I thought…”

“You were in the rink?!” Yurio screamed, slamming the door behind him and dropping his stuff on the floor as he walked to the  man sitting on the futon by the little kitchen.

“Well, yes. I told you I’d be watching.” He replied, naturally.

“I thought so, but on your home! In a couch! With a bunch of cheese popcorn or something…” He was just not processing what he saw and what Otabek said.

“Yura, really?” He rose and walked to him, arms opening wide without letting the flowers nor his cell phone anywhere but his hands.

He sighed and walked to him, letting Otabek drape his arms over his lithe body even if he was significantly larger than the other one. Sighing, he rested his face on his friend’s head and squeezed his shoulders.

“At least you should’ve texted me.” He said.

“I couldn’t…” Otabek looked up to him and sighed. “Yura, your program…”

Yuri did not wanted to talk about it.

“Don’t.” He warned him.

“How are you even standing here?” He asked softly, hand brushing over his face still shining with makeup until he had a fistful of soft blonde hair between his fingers.

Yuri tried to stifle a sob but then Otabek pulled him down and hugged him once more, now his forehead was resting on Otabek’s chest as he folded himself until he was curled up against him. Yuri broke into crying.

“I can’t believe you made it through the final.” He whispered and Yuri shook his head. He couldn’t believe it, too.

_________________

Yuri’s theme for this season had been loneliness.

All those years of pining, hurting and pretending strength had piled up inside him, so high, it reached sky and it starts. Then he decided to burn it all that year.

Of course it backfired.

Both his short program and free skate where exhausting, emotionally demanding and way too complicated to be executed on a raging speed in less than four full minutes. Every time he finished an event he would collapse on his bed and pass away for a day or so, straight. The music had been personalized, his costumes designed by himself just as the makeup and his hair braided tightly by Lila so it would never get into his sweaty, tear stained face.

It was obvious he had not been doing well.

Yuri woke up in the midnight, flowers by his side and Otabek nudging him from his tummy to make him rise.

“Yura, you have to eat.” He whispered, making him yawn and nod partially as he got up.

“What time is it?” He asked.

“Eleven thirty, you totally blacked out after seven.” He whispered, and Yuri rubbed his eyes, feeling them itchy and crusty as he tried to sit straight. “I’m worried for him.”

Yuri glared at Otabek.

“You shouldn’t.” He whispered.

“But I am.” Was his reply as he offered him a box of Chinese food. Yuri took it silently and opened it, starting to eat its content without much enthusiasm. He was just focusing on chewing, then. “I didn’t intend on coming until Lila suggested so, apparently by Yakov’s recommendation. I wanted to give you your space but then I saw you on de NHK and I knew they were right. I had to be here.”

Yuri shook his head.

“No you didn’t.” He grumbled. “I was fine.”

“Yeah sure, keep telling yourself that until you fall asleep once more.”

He did not say a thing.

“I wanted to be here because you need to realize that you’re not alone even when you’re hurting the most.” Otabek sat down in front of him at the bed and held one of his hands.

“I’m not hurt-“

“Yura, fuck.” He sighed and snatched the food away from his hands, placing it on the night stand besides the bed. “Lila told me everything, told me about how you’re forgetting to sleep and eat. She told me that you spend days without showing at the rink and that when you do you’re just fireball gliding with rage and tears on the ice. When I said that I couldn’t believe it that you made it to the final was literal. You became undisciplined and relentless on the worse way. Where the hell is your ambition and commitment?”

Otabek knew him like a freaking book.

“My grandpa died, jackass!” He pushed him until he was lying on the bed and Yuri straddled on his hips while holding him by the wrists up his head. “How do you think I would fucking be?” He screamed into his face and Otabek didn’t move an inch. “I’m fucking lonely and my strength is failing me, dumbass. Of course I would be a fucking mess.” He shouted before realizing what he was doing.

Otabek, of course, got up even with Yuuri on top of him. His arms held his back and the inside of his knees as he held him tightly into his body.

Yuuri could feel the lights of the city behind him, by the huge window his suite had come with. The air was warm but he felt cold and he tried to wrap himself even more around Otabek to relieve his frozen bones. Tears fell from his eyes and Otabek squeezed him against his chest, right next to that heart beating frantically as they stood there, in silence for a second that felt like an hour.

“Don’t ever say you’re lonely, Yura.” He looked up to Otabek. “You have me. You’ll always have me.”

He almost stayed silent for a moment, then a smile pulled his lips up.

‘He’s right’ Yuri thought.

Even if he had nothing left, he had Otabek.

And that was more than enough. For a lifetime.

“I’ll be your rock.” Otabek whispered before bowing his head to kiss Yuri, whose head had been resting on his shoulder.

It felt like a thousand lightning bolts striking every nerve of his skin, one by one until he had been completely set on fire. None of whatever he had before could compare, could come up, to this. It was strong, steady and safe. Yuri thought it was protection in it’s utter physical form.

Yuuri sighed and took his hands to his friend’s neck, wriggling his legs until he was standing on his feet and it was know his head bowing to meet once more the other man’s lips. He chased them, pursuing the comfort and the love he felt from them as they embraced once more.

“I was….” He shuddered, trembling as a sob choked him. “I felt…”

Otabek nudged his face so they could kiss once more.

“I know.” He breathed out. “I know.”

Of course he knew.

It made only sense, as he was the first person he ever held onto after that afternoon in Barcelona. The bright sky and the warm streets united them so Yuri could have someone to lean on. Someone strong and steady that would not fall when he did and that would hold him if he broke apart. It was Otabek who cheered on him, showing him love and affection so Yuri could keep on with his skating career even when he felt like just giving up. It was him on their first Olympics, it was Otabek on Katsuki and Nikiforov’s wedding and only him on his grandfather’s funeral.

He tilted his head back and saw those burning dark eyes, like it had been the first time. He saw Otabek brushing his thumb pads all over his cheekbones and Yuri felt like exploding.

Whatever he though about life, love and himself had always been wrong.

Because he had Otabek to show him right.

And he never wanted anything else.

It made sense that Lila would call him, out of everyone else, to pull him out from his darkest hours. It was only fitting for Otabek to be the one kissing him and holding him after the roughest year of his life.

As they kissed more and more, not able to say a word more with their tongues inside each other’s parting lips, Yuuri wondered how would’ve his life been if Otabek had been there, with him, all those years ago when he asked Yakov for a tutor. He wondered what would’ve happened if he actually look his way on that summer training camp.

But that did not matter, because that was centuries ago.

Things just were the way they were for a reason. One that was undeniable and unchangeable.

Things were like this because it was the way it should happen.

Yuri had to endure everything the way he did, just like he does to be able to find Otabek through the roughest paths where flowers grew tonight as he realized the truth.

“How long have you felt this way?” He asked suddenly, two kisses before.

“As long as I’ve been here.” Was all that he said before lacing his arms around Yuri’s waist once more.

He knew what that meant for him. For Otabek. For them.

That meant forever.