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For the biggest part of her life, Emma hated her birthday. While for most kids birthday meant gifts and celebrations, for her the day she was born was just a terrible reminder. A big red circle on the calendar that screamed: “no one ever wanted you”.
Her birthday wasn’t the day she was welcomed to the world, to a family. It was always the day her parents abandoned her.
At first, she was sad, then bitter at the people who not only didn’t want their daughter but didn’t even care about her enough to leave her at a hospital or an orphanage. She decided being angry worked better than being broken, vulnerable.
So Emma didn’t celebrate her birthday. Most of her years growing up she would try to forget what day it was, with no luck. A few of the group homes she’d been into acknowledged the children’s’ birthday by giving them the double portion of food that day so Emma didn’t complain about that. Food was food. If remembering her birthday was the price for it, she would pay it.
The few gifts she received, by foster mums less terrible than usual, were hand-me-down clothes who were too big or too small for her. By the time she officially grew out of the system Emma had excelled in the task of making any piece of clothing fit her without looking awful.
The closest thing to a party she had while growing up surprisingly was Lily’s doing. When she learned her birthday was near, by secretly looking through her things and finding that damn newspaper article- she insisted they celebrate it.
She was gone for the whole day and came back at night with her bag full of -what Emma knew were stolen- candy bars, two friendship bracelets, and a candle. Maybe blowing her birthday candle on a Snickers bar was strange but it was the most anyone had ever done for her until that moment.
When Neal came to her life, she thought the time when she was intimidated by her birthday would be over. She would finally have a person to make her feel loved that day, she would have a home. Or a cheap motel room for that matter, she didn’t mind. Home wasn’t a place after all, all the years of searching for it taught her that.
One of the many nights she and Neal spent crammed together in the bug, the cold making it hard to sleep, she told him everything. Everything about her life, her childhood, the terrible grief and fear over her birthday since she was old enough to know what the day symbolized.
Emma knew opening her heart to someone made her vulnerable, but she thought she could be that with him. He wouldn’t judge her, he wouldn’t give her that look of sympathy she was so used to receiving when people learned she was a foster kid; most importantly he wouldn’t leave her.
He made promises to her that night. That these days were behind her, that she wouldn’t have to be scared anymore, he would be her family now and she would never be alone on her birthday or any other day. She believed him. She was just seventeen.
That year was the only one she counted down the days to her birthday. She woke up excited for whatever Neal had planned. Until she realized he forgot. At first, she thought he planned to surprise her. She held onto this hope until the clock struck midnight and her birthday was officially over.
She didn’t tell him. She still wanted to maintain whatever pride she had left. He remembered next week. He came to her with a pizza box and an apology -“I’m sorry Em, I really screwed up. You should have told me again, baby.”- which she brushed off as nothing. It’s not as if anyone else ever remembered, that’s what she told herself.
They celebrated with pizza with her favorite toppings on it, which was better than they usually managed. He promised he would do better next year. Next year he was gone.
Her birthday was the last thing on her mind while she was in prison. Maintaining her physical and mental health for the sake of her baby, a baby she would never hold in her arms but whom she loved so much already was her priority. She made sure no one knew when her birthday was.
And if she put her hand on her stomach that day, dreaming of having a stable home and life so she could celebrate with her child next year, so she could have someone to love and love her back, no one ever had to know. Her son’s birthday became another date to be etched in her memory and haunt her.
For years after she got out, she ignored her birthday. She didn’t even have to hide it from anyone anymore, since she didn’t have any friends or family in the first place. Most years she tried to keep busy and sometimes she did manage to forget the date till it had actually passed.
It wasn’t until that woman Cleo, and what she told her that Emma felt something shifting inside her. She realized the only way to get rid of her demons is to face them. By pretending they didn’t exist they became greater and it was only a matter of time till they swallowed her whole. The fact that her parents abandoned her, then Neal shouldn’t rule her life.
She promised herself she would build her armor so nothing like that can ever break her again. She got herself a cupcake that year, made her own little celebration. Which became her own tradition. Her promise to herself that she matters and she won’t let anyone else tell her she doesn’t. Her wish was always the same: “This day next year not to be alone, to be home."
When Henry came everything shifted. He found her and she found home. It was the best birthday gift she ever received in her life. “Not that you received many” -a voice in her head said- but regardless. When she decided to move to Storybrooke for her son, she realized home is where Henry is and there is nowhere else she belongs.
She vowed to never leave him, her own experiences of abandonment too traumatic to wish to anyone, even less her own son. Damn Regina and Mr. Gold and whatever curse would come their way. As long as Henry wanted her there, she would never be anywhere else.
The curse broke and she found her parents and that’s when she realized she wasn’t abandoned, not really. She was wanted and loved, her parents' choice similar to the one she had to make more than ten years ago. She understood it, honestly. But it didn’t lessen the pain she went through, the tears or all these sad, sad birthdays.
It wasn’t easy at first. Inside she was still hurting. But things got better with time, she grew and they did too. They became a family. Amidst the chaos, they managed to celebrate one birthday together till the next curse separated them.
Her fake memories in New York provided her with countless images of her and little Henry celebrating her birthday together. But they were just that, fake. Apart from the last one which was the only birthday in her life up to that point which seemed relatively normal. She and Henry baking cake and celebrating with a Mario Cart competition which she was sure her son let her win because it was her birthday. Her sweet Henry.
Her next birthday was the saddest of her whole life. Killian was dead. She was about to strangle anyone who dared wish her a happy birthday that day. Thankfully no one did. They knew better. Even her parents, her forever doting parents who always tried to make up for the years they missed, left her alone to mourn.
Her mum tried to suggest they come over for a quiet gathering a few days prior, when she’d been out with them and Henry, but she cut her off before she even finished her sentence. She didn’t need to see their pitiful looks, their sad smiles as they tried to comfort her. It only broke her more.
She spent that birthday as she used to do for so many years. Alone. Unless a flask of rum counts as a companion. Killian would say it does. Killian. She kept thinking about Killian and how she didn’t get to spend one peaceful birthday with him. You have to enjoy the quiet moments, a familiar voice inside her whispered. Too late.
Destiny plays weird games sometimes and Emma is sure somewhere out there Zeus or whichever deity was watching them that time was laughing, because Killian came back to her and what she called the saddest birthday of her life, the birthday that signified the crush of so many hopes and dreams, became the last painful birthday she ever had to endure.
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Emma knows she will never get tired of waking up like this. Killian’s arms around her waist, his hot breath tickling her ear when he whispers “happy birthday, my love” with his accented voice which makes her wanna pull the covers back up and engage in whole other activities.
She turns around in his arms and he gives her a gentle kiss which she manages to return in her sleepy haze. After all these years together, kissing Killian is as natural as breathing and she is pretty sure she can do it even in her sleep. “I love you so much”. His voice is hoarse with sleep which makes it even sexier if that’s possible.
“I love you too” Emma buries her head on his shoulder and breathes him in. He smells of leather and spice and the sea. Killian. “When are my parents coming?”
“In a couple of hours. Sleep a little more, lass. It’s your special day.” He says softly as he extracts himself from her arms. “I’ll take care of everything else.” Killian chuckles at her yawn and caresses her hair before drawing the curtains back so the sunlight won’t wake her.
Next time she opens her eyes it’s because she feels small hands nudging her awake.
“Sorry, love. I tried to keep her occupied for a wee bit longer so you could sleep more but she really wanted to say happy birthday to mummy”. Killian is kneeling on the floor next to the bed, using his hand to steady a very energetic toddler who is currently bouncing on her chest.
“It’s okay, there’s no better way to wake up actually.” She takes hold of her daughter and rubs her nose with hers.
“Than tiny feet poking on your ribs?”
“Oh believe me, these tiny feet did that long before she came to the world.”
He chuckles and bends over next to Emma to look at Leia. Leia Hope. Leia, because of their adventure that changed everything, Hope because that’s what they always brought to each other, what she brought them.
“You know what day it is today, little love?” Killian coos, tickling her neck, eliciting the sweetest of giggles. “It’s mummy’s birthday.” He continues and Leia offers both of them a wide grin. “Your awesome, beautiful, loving mummy has her birthday right this day. Isn’t that amazing?”
“Mama” Leia says, lifting her arms towards her and Emma is pretty sure her whole body is like that jello Killian loves so much. She has been calling her “mama” for weeks and yet her hearts skips a bit every time. She just wanna snuggle with her and never let go. That’s new to her and wonderful and perfect.
“That’s right, darling. Mama’s birthday. Know what “birthday” is?” She shakes her head, still smiling. “I bet you don’t, my little lass.”
Scooting closer to the bed, he takes Emma’s hand and leaves a gentle kiss to her knuckles. “Mummy was born this exact day, years ago. So this day every year we celebrate her. For being in our lives, for loving us, for being so wonderful.”
“Oh, Killian. You d-”
“Now now Leia, mummy will try to play it down but will we give up? No. That’s my lass.” He pokes her nose before bending down on the floor to pick up a folded piece of paper, -a card?-, Emma hasn’t noticed all this time. She gives it to their daughter and prompts her to hand it to Emma.
“So, love, Leia made you something. Because she loves you so much and it’s the first birthday you get to spend with her being here and I-...”
Emma unfolds the paper and she puts her hand on her mouth when she sees what’s inside. Leia’s small handprints and fingerprints are all over the paper, in so many different colors, creating flowers and the sun and what Emma is pretty sure is meant to be their house. In the bottom right corner, she sees a red heart and inside a small note, “Love you mummy, Leia” and the date.
“I might have helped a little, but just a bit, I promise.” Killian says as he nervously scratches behind his ear.
“That is...” She has tears in her eyes and her heart feels like it’s gonna burst.
“Well, certainly not a one-time thing. We intend to make you more once our little lass musters holding a pencil. We had to use hands and fingers now but she did pretty great, didn’t she?” Leia receives a wink from her daddy and she smiles till she notices Emma’s tears. She raises her hand on her cheek to wipe them for her.
“Mama?”
“No baby, no I’m not sad.” She smiles. “I’m so happy. Thank you.” She pulls Leia to her chest and Killian puts his arms around them both. If time ever stopped she wishes it would stop right in this moment. “Gods, I love you. I love you both so much. That’s the sweetest gift I have ever...The sweetest thing someone did for me. Thank you.”
“Emma, love, you don’t need to thank us. I thought about buying something from Leia to you but then I realized it would be much more meaningful if she created it. Even the text, Swan. I mean, I may have helped guide her finger with my hand but you know...”
“I want to put it in our room. Or no, we should put it in the living room so everyone can see. It’s her first drawing as well.”
“Aye. We’ll be making you something together every year. Add it to the family traditions.”
She doesn’t know if Killian’s actions are because he desperately tries to erase her bad birthday memories or just because of his sweet, wonderful self. Either way, it makes her love him more even when she thought she couldn’t.
“Now before I bring your birthday breakfast, -and I would have done so earlier, Swan, I promise, it’s just that it’s difficult to balance a kicking baby and a tray up to the stairs with one hand...”
“I think I will forgive you.” She says playfully. “Even though you know I’m serious about food.”
“Love, I know. We even made onion rings.”
“For breakfast? Oh my god, that’s why I married you.”
He laughs and pecks her lips. “I want to hope my culinary skills aren’t the only reason you did. But anyway, before I bring you breakfast I need to give you my gift too.”
“What, another one?”
“The drawing was from Leia, love. Did you think you wouldn’t have a gift from your dashing husband as well?” His hand goes into his pocket and he takes out a black velvet box tied with a beautiful red ribbon.
“Killian you didn’t have to, you know you and our family is the biggest gift I could ever ask for.”
“You both are the biggest gift for me too, Emma, don’t ever doubt that.” His voice is soft, tender. “But it doesn’t mean I can’t spoil my wife on her birthday. Or every day. Here open it.”
He puts the box in her hands and Emma lets Leia tag at the ribbon till she unties it. She opens the lid to see a beautiful silver bracelet with three swan charms hangings from it. The swans’ eyes are gemstones, shining in the still dim lit room. “Killian, that’s, that’s wow...It’s so beautiful. How did you-?”
“It’s custom made.” He says gently, taking her offered wrist to help her put it on. Securing the bracelet by holding the other end steady with his hook, he touches the first charm.
“That’s you. With your emerald eyes. My Swan. See, love?” He turns it around. “Your birthday is engraved on the backside. It’s a happy day now, aye?” She nods, too moved to speak.
“Only good memories now, love.” Killian smiles at her and lets his fingers trace the second charm. “That’s Henry, our lad. Topaz, for his hazel eyes. His birthday is engraved on the back too.”
His hand moves to the third and smallest silver swan. “And that’s our little bundle of energy, Leia.” He says looking at their daughter who seems more amused by the red ribbon than the actual gift to pay them any attention.
“Sapphire. It’s just like the sea, and her eyes. Maybe that’s why it’s always calming to look at her.” He turns the charm over with his fingers. “As always...” Emma indeed sees their daughter’s birthday with cursive calligraphic letters on the back.
“Killian, I don’t know what to say.” Emma whispers, her free hand moving to touch his, which is still holding the little swan.
“Do you like it, really?”
“Like it? I love it. I can’t even describe how much.” The emotion is clear in her voice. She bends to kiss him, a slow, gentle kiss that could go on for hours if it wasn’t for Leia innocently playing next to them.
“I believe you pretty much did.” He smiles, his thumb brushing her chin before growing serious again.
“Swan, I know you miss the lad, and I miss him too, so much. I thought...I just thought that maybe with this gift you can have him and Leia with you. Always. No matter how far away Henry may be. And even when Leia goes to nursery school -and don’t laugh, love, I know you’re dreading this day as much as I do.” She chuckles, interlacing her fingers with his.
“Killian, thank you, thank you a million times. It means the world to me. You, my amazing, spectacular husband, have no idea how much I love you, more every day.”
“Just wait till you try my onion rings, love.” He replies, winking and giving her hand one last squeeze before heading down to the
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Her parents come a few hours later, while she is on the swing with Leia on her lap, watching as Killian tries to light the fire at the barbecue. She offered to use magic at least three times but her stubborn husband insists that’s cheating.
They are carrying all sort of gift bags and Emma knows better than to complain about them spending a lot. She will get the usual: “We are your parents, honey. We are supposed to spoil you.”
Her brother runs to her and she bends to pick him up, ruffling his hair. It’s getting harder to lift him these days and it reminds her to cherish every moment with Leia. She knows her little girl will grow like a weed too.
“Happy birthday, Emma. I love you very, very much.” His cuteness makes Emma smile. He has his heart on his sleeve, just like his mum and Emma hopes that will never change.
“I love you too, buddy.”
“Mom and dad let me pick one of your gifts alone.”
“They did? I’m sure it’s gonna be amazing.” His smile is so bright and Emma kisses his cheek before letting him down.
“Is Killy in the backyard? Can I help him with barbecue?”
She always laughs at her brother’s nickname for Killian. Neal loved him since he was a baby, their countless hours of babysitting making them thick as thieves. When he started talking he couldn’t pronounce his name and “Killy” was the closest thing he could muster, much to David’s amusement.
Killian always complained that a fearsome pirate can’t be called “Killy” but Emma knows he loves it more than any other name for him. (Maybe until Leia shyly started muttering “dada” a few weeks ago. She’s sure that’s his favorite now.)
“I’m sure he will appreciate it. Leia is giving him a run for his money out there as well.”
With that her brother sprints for the door, before Snow even manages to ask him to be careful. She hears two very familiar children shrieks and a strangled “Dave” before her father kisses the side of her head and marches for the backyard as well, muttering something about having to go save the pirate again.
Emma looks at the window to see her husband down on the grass, a spatula on his hand and two small figures jumping on his chest. Smiling at herself, she thinks she wouldn’t change her crazy, amazing family for anything in the world.
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After lunch, Killian brings the cake and the little girl inside Emma squeals. The cake is one of her favorite parts every year, something she didn’t have growing up and now she does.
She often plays this game in her head. Things orphan Emma didn’t have but present Emma does. A birthday cake. A comfortable bed. A home. A family.
It makes her smile.
Her husband leaves the cake on the table in front of her and leans to kiss her temple.“
There you go, love. Practically all chocolate. Just how you like it.”
She smiles at him, squeezing his arm. “That’s my pirate.”
“Honey, did you keep Emma’s candles as you promised?” Her mother says and the little boy bounces up from his chair and pulls the candles out of his front pocket proudly handing them to her. “I kept them safe and didn’t lose them.”
“Good job, buddy.” David pats him on the shoulder and he beams.
Emma turns her head to see her daughter still running on wobbly legs around the backyard. Since she learned to walk she can never stay still.
Emma wishes she could magic foam floor tiles around all the house because, during the process of perfecting walking, Leia falls down on her knees every five minutes. She and Killian can do nothing more than chase after her.
They both know by now how her legs shake a bit before they give out and they manage to scoop her into their arms a few seconds before she falls, every time.
She notices Killian approaching their little girl, crouching down on her level and putting a gentle hand on her back.
“Dada!” She exclaims and her big blue eyes shine with excitement.
“Come, little duck. Mummy is ready to blow the candles.” Killian looks up at her with that adorable loop-side smile and when their gazes lock, she is pretty sure her knees will give out faster than her daughter’s.
“Emma, she is so much steadier on her feet than last week.” Her mother notices smiling and she nods proudly, looking at Leia as she is making her way towards her.
When she reaches the table she waves her small arms towards her. “Mama, up!”. It’s rare for her to want to be picked up these days but apparently, she doesn’t have a good view of the cake and colorful candles from down there. Emma bends down to scoop her up, settling her on her hip.
“What a big girl my granddaughter is, aren’t you Leia?” Her father coos and Leia looks at him clapping her hands.
“Of course she is. Our big girl.” Emma adjusts Leia’s bow on her head, kissing her forehead after she’s done. “Will you help mummy blow the candles, baby?”
“Wait, love.” Killian approaches with Leia’s jacket in hand, which was previously hanging on the back of her small chair where she’d tossed it. “She was running and it’s chilly.” It might have been a challenge at first but after almost a year of perfecting it, it’s not hard for Emma to maneuver Leia’s little arms in the sleeves while Killian holds the jacket for them in a matter of seconds.
“Much better now, right Leia? Thank you, daddy.” Emma says looking at Killian and Leia reaches to pat his cheek, a cute little gesture of gratitude she started doing recently that melted both their hearts.
“Killian, stay there.” Her mum says, holding up her Polaroid camera, the same one she used for her and Killian’s first date all those years ago. Even her pirate uses his phone for pictures now, but her mother, the forever vintage lover, prefers the old-fashioned way. “I’ll take some pictures as Emma blows the candles.”
“Shouldn’t you be in them too, milady?”
Snow brushes him off with her hand in a nonchalant motion. “We’ll take lots. Now go stand next to your family.”
“Make a wish before, Emma!” Her brother exclaims. “It’s not a real birthday if you don’t.”
Emma looks around her. Her father is sitting with Neal on his lap, both beaming at her. Her mother is standing with the camera, her excitement so contagious, she feels giddy and warm inside. Killian rests his arm around her waist and her daughter is toying with her hair, comfortable in her arms.
Her mind drifts to Henry and the hole she has in her heart since he left. She told him to find his own story and that’s what he is doing. Her little boy isn’t so little anymore. She can’t wish for him to come back, not when she knows he is happy. And she does know, Killian’s magical shell-phone, proving to be more than useful for their communication.
It’s been less than two years since she saw him last time. She won’t wish him back, not when that’s not what he wishes, not yet. He told her he will come back once he settles some things out and the thought alone makes her heart full.
She watches as Killian takes Leia’s small fingers away from the cake, as she was previously trying to dip her hand in it. He kisses them gently and holds her hand in his so she won’t do it again.
Emma thinks of all the times she wished not to be alone on her birthday and all the times she was. Her eyes fall on the swing set.
They bought it before Leia was born and Emma knows she can’t really use it till she is older, but nothing screams “we have a kid in this house” more than a swing set, so she insisted they get it.
They have three pairs of rain boots lined next to the front door.
In the kitchen cupboard, there is enough cutlery for a whole football team and her brother has his own special blanket in the closet for when he stays over.
There is a comfortable king-sized bed in their bedroom, even if she spends most nights snuggled on Killian’s chest right in the middle of it.
Henry’s comics are still stacked neatly under his bed waiting to be read again, and if they get any more stuffed animals for Leia’s nursery they will soon swallow her whole.
She hasn’t thought of the wish she used to make every year since forever. “Not to be alone on my birthday. Not to be alone ever again.” If she could tell past Emma how her life is now she would probably laugh and call her crazy. This reality, this wonderful, magical life is something she couldn’t even imagine having.
It’s true, Emma used to hate her birthday. But not anymore. Not when she has a family, who loves her. A family who is real, and safe and hers to love, hers to cherish.
She has her amazing parents, who hold her so tight that the wounds of the past heal a little more every time.
Her little brother, who calls himself her knight and crushes on her legs every time he sees her.
Her husband and true love who loved her so much more than she thought possible and together they build the life she always dreamt of.
Her wonderful son, who makes her prouder every day even if he’s away and her heart aches to hold him again.
And her baby girl, who lights up her life and makes her heart flutter with every gummy smile she offers her.
She closes her eyes and blows the candles as she hears her family clap and feels Killian pulling her closer. She wishes for nothing. She has everything she needs. She’s home.