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The first time Yuzuru noticed it was three years ago when he looked up from the lower step of the pristine white podium in Shanghai. The way Javi‘s smile was reaching the corners of his eyes. The way his lashes fluttered against his cheeks when the opening notes of the Spanish anthem echoed in the arena. The way his own heart started beating faster.
At first he didn‘t know what it was. A feeling of fondness, for sure. A surge of pride for someone he‘s been seeing work so hard by his side every day, absolutely. Yuzuru had felt it before, seeing Javi land beautiful jumps in practice and competitions, the happiness sparked by the visible growth with a dash of jealousy fueling his inner fire. But it was never like this.
Yuzuru basked in happiness in Barcelona, history rewritten and goals set even higher once more. He was proud of himself when they called his name, head held high and eyes thankful.Yuzuru felt like he was at his highest, suffiecient and full for now; Yet his heart leaped in his chest when the Spaniard pulled him into a hug. He must be happy to see his partner succeed under the sky of his motherland.
Boston was close to agony. Yuzuru was holding it burried hidden far from the world to see, as he always did. The ice was loving but now it was harsh, making his feet quiver in pain. Yuzuru‘s heart was full of it, holding back the tears for the sake of everyone around him. They shouldn‘t see. They can‘t. And yet, when the smooth fingers ran across his back in a calming hug, the same heart seemed like it was about to leap out of his chest.
Time flew by, accompanied by harsh falls and months of recovery, sweat and tears spilled on the ice, days of rest and anger flooding Yuzuru‘s veins. Years marked with the highest heights and the lowest lows, sometimes on his own but always the best by his side.
Marseille made him feel like a kid again, stomach light when they joined hands and the trusty grip held him close for everyone to see. There were much more tears than the cameras got to see in Helsinki, when his arms wrapped around Javi‘s neck in pure gratitude, and when he pulled out the gold he was seeking for so much only to hang it on his partner‘s neck. He was so happy in Montreal, when he got to see Javi again after months of being separated in training. The man seemed happy too, but Yuzuru knew he was not the reason. When he was lying in bed later that night, pillow case drenched in tears, he realised what his thruding heart wanted was so far out of his reach.
And here he was, surrounded by the purple of PyeongChang, familiar tears in his eyes as he leaped into Javi‘s arms. There was so much in him, - from shock to relief, realisation to joy, pride to what he found to be love.
When he said he couldn‘t do it without him, he meant much more than just those few years he saw ahead of himself in front of cheering crowds. His heart was swollen in happiness for his dream he was holding firm in his grip, but at that moment it was crying in sorrow for what he couldn‘t touch.
***
It was late Sunday night when Yuzuru heard knocking on his apartment door. Expecting it to be his mother or someone from the coaching team, he didn‘t think much before turning the lock and inviting them inside.
Javi was wearing a small smile on his lips, hands in pockets and hair messy from the strong wind outside. Yuzuru‘s ribcage rattled and for a moment he wondered how he was still okay.
„Good evening, mister Olympic champion times two.“
A quirky expression twisted Javi‘s lips and Yuzuru scrunched his nose.
„Stop, don‘t like.“
The Spaniard sighed.
„You‘re weird but okay. May I come in?“
„Uh, yes.“
Javi came to sit on Yuzuru‘s bed, the boy leaning against the wall in front of him. His hands were shaking so he pressed them against the cold wall, trying to absorb the strenght it had. It was so silly, to feel the way he does right now; to feel like this in front of a man he knew for years now. His biggest goals have never made his legs feel like lead and fingers numb, and yet here he is.
„You finished packing.“ Javi raised his head and the boy nodded.
„Leaving to Japan tomorrow. Need to get leg scanned.“
Javi‘s smile seemed somber in Yuzuru‘s eyes.
„You don‘t deserve this, you know. No one does. But you, really,“ he stopped, fingers fiddling with the zipper of the blue jacket. „You deserve only happiness.“
Yuzuru stared at him through his eyelashes, hands pressing in fists and nails brazing his skin. The room was drowing in silence, the tension building up between them and within Yuzuru, making it hard to breathe.
„Can I see your medal?“
Yuzuru blinked. Without words, he nodded again and went to retrieve it from one of the luggage bags settled in the corner. It took a minute to find the wooded case, and he took it as an opportunity to settle his mind. To breathe; it seemed hard to do so ever since the other man entered the room.
The bed dipped slightly when Yuzuru joined Javi‘s side, opening the lid and taking the golden trophy from its case. He held it in his palms like he did last night, caressing the medal with care even after a day of never ending media runs and congratulations.
Javi‘s hand reached out to take it, but instead he simply traced he lines etched on the surface, face lost in thought.
„It‘s so bright.“ His voice was silent, fingers travelling across the outline of numbers and to the edge, brushing against Yuzuru‘s skin lightly.
„Why not take it?“
Javi smiled at his words.
„Because I don‘t want to take away what you deserve.“
Yuzuru‘s heart pounded as he watched him. Maybe he shouldn‘t do it, he thought for a second. It came so close to the invisible border he had set for himself, so close he thought he might not hold back. But at that moment he set the roaring mind aside, letting his starving heart take the lead.
„Head.“
„What?“
„Tilt your head.“
Javi‘s eyes went even wider than usual when Yuzuru hung the medal on his neck with a fond smile on his face.
„Not the only one who deserves it.“
Javi remained quiet. The trophy felt heavy around his neck, heavier than his own he currently clenched in his pocket. It felt like an obligation to even wear it. An obligation to himself , the people of Spain and the world. To Yuzuru.
„Can I have yours?“
The words caught Javi amidst his thoughts and he shifted his eyes towards the boy.
„You want bronze? My bronze“
„Mm... Yes.“
To Yuzuru‘s surprise, Javi chuckled.
„Well you‘re not getting it.“ His lips curled into a smirk as he watched the Japanese get confused.
„What? Why?“
„Simple,“ Javi‘s smile became lighter as he pulled his own medal from the pocket of the jacket. „You only ever deserved the gold.“
Yuzuru‘s fingers quivered against the fabric of his sweatpants. He felt it coming back, everything he felt yesterday, everything he kept locked and closed deep within himself. It was stirring inside of him, his head, his limbs, his heart.
Hold on. Please. Just a little longer.
Yuzuru heard Javi clear his throat next to him.
„I am leaving tomorrow too.“ Silence. „I don‘t know if I will come back for Gala.“
At that moment everything stopped.
Yuzuru knew he wasn‘t unbreakable. He‘d been through so much, pain and challenges pilling up against him ever since he was so young. It made him grow, gave him the strenght to move up and reach for more. All the tears he cried, the nights he thought about quitting, the injuries that made him scream in despair, - he had it all. The thing was, no one ever saw it.
And now the dam seemed to finally break.
It hurt so much. To be by his side, so close and yet so far. To want and not be able to reach it. To know this was the last time. Ever.
„Yuzu?“
The hot streaks of tears tainted Yuzuru‘s cheeks and he clenched his eyes shut so hard it hurt just to stop it. He wanted to stop everything. To be alone like he was used to. Surrounded by people but always alone. That was what he needed. The only way it worked for him.
Javi didn‘t say a word when he pulled the boy into a hug. Sometimes Yuzuru thought a part of him knew of the mess that was stirring inside of him. If he really did, it made Yuzuru wonder why he still stayed by his side. Maybe it was only the familiarity Javi was radiating that shined through at times like these. Maybe he felt something. Maybe.
It was uncomfortable, being cradled like a child, Yuzuru‘s hands weak against his own chest, legs pressed against Javi‘s and waist twisted weirdly to fit into the arms of the man by his side. He was still crying, wet stains covering the front of Javi‘s jacket and dripping on his knees. It seemed like forever, this small bubble of theirs, away from the world, the reality, everything.
They only pulled away for a moment, and Yuzuru wrapped his hands around Javi‘s neck without looking up at his face in fear of what he might see. Clinging to him as tightly as he could, he burried his face in the crook of it.
Breathe.
„Your heart is pounding.“
I know, Yuzuru thought almost mockingly. His entire being seemed to be pounding, blood rushing in his veins and mind buzzing. Everything around him was buzzing.
„I really. Really. Javi, I can not. Can not do it without you.“
He felt the way his breath hitched, chest heaving a little faster. Fingers tracing his back slowed down.
„Yuzu, you did everything. You dream came true. You have everything.“ Javi‘s voice sounded slightly more plain than it usually would have. A quiet sob escaped Yuzuru‘s lips.
„Not everything.“
The look on Javi‘s face was unreadable when they pulled away.
Breathe.
„What do you not have?“
Breathe.
A single tear rolled down Yuzuru‘s cheek as he spoke.
„You.“
He knew he always had one way. The obvious one, the right one. Stay silent, hide it, forget it. Wait it out. The end was coming, he could deal with it like he dealt with all the pain in his life. He was strong, he was a fighter. He was Yuzuru Hanyu.
The second option was never an option until that very moment. As funny as it sounded, he never knew it would hit him this hard. It really hurt more than any injury, any surgery, any loss. What surprised him the most was that he almost felt like it hurt more than the thoughts he‘d been having before the Olympics. The thoughts of quitting.
Something in Javi‘s face shifted, but he wasn‘t sure what it was. He was expecting awkwardness. A sudden retreat, the word „sorry.“ A goodbye, maybe. A failure. And yet the man next to him didn‘t move.
„What do you want from me?“
It was silent again. Just the two of them, eye to eye. Away from home, away from the place they could consider home.
Yuzuru still had his arms draped on Javi‘s shoulders, watching the man‘s face in front of him. So close. Closer than ever, in more ways than one. His eyes were wide open, pupils shifting amidst the warm irises. Something about it, something about this made Yuzuru calm.
Javi‘s lids flutted slightly when he leaned in to kiss him. It wasn‘t much, a simple peck, barely felt, full of uncertainty and fear. Yuzuru felt the man tense beneath him and his own heart drop.
He was expecting a rejection, an instant change of atmosphere. Cold. But what he felt as he pulled away was the same warmth Javi always brought with him. His eyes were still closed and Yuzuru was afraid to move any more.
„S-sorry, I-I,“
Yuzuru‘s voice stuck in his throat when he saw tears rolling down Javi‘s face. He looked so fragile in that moment, lids not moving, lips pursed together, and breathing heavy. Instead of pulling away, he pulled Yuzuru closer to him.
„I‘m the one who‘s sorry.“
It was a blur, their limbs tangled together and more tears than anyone would ever cry in the Olympic Village. It was warm and safe, and it was different but Yuzuru didn‘t yet know how.
„Stay please.“ He didn‘t remember himself thinking but heard the words coming out from his mouth. „Please.“
He stayed, right by Yuzuru‘s side, cradling him on a bed too small for both of them. Yuzuru didn‘t know what that meant, but he didn‘t leave. He didn‘t pull away, he stayed close, and Yuzuru‘s heart was fluttering faster than ever before.
They didn‘t speak anymore on that night. At some point, the tears stopped rolling down Yuzuru‘s cheeks and his breathing went back to normal. At some point, he felt Javi press what seemed to be a kiss to the top of his head. At some point, he remembered burying his face into Javi‘s chest and his mind shutting off.
The smell of his perfume lingered on the sheets when Yuzuru woke up to an empty bed. It still stung and his heart was still swelling. Something about him had changed, he thought, for the best or worst, he would figure out one day. Staring at the ceiling, he took a deep breath.
He didn‘t know why the things that happened happened. Why Javi apologised. He was almost sure it was because he broke Yuzuru‘s pounding heart. Javi was a good man and he cared about his friend. But not in that way. Never in that way.
As he was walking out the door with the suitcase in his hand, though, that wandering thought he was trying to avoid so hard stuck his mind again. He thought he dreamed of it, the words against his ear when he was almost lost in the lulling world of sleep.
See you soon.