Work Text:
I tightened the arms I had put around one of the pillows and let my tears wet the bed sheet. I felt my heart aching, to the point it felt like a separated being.
I looked at the clock: three in the morning. Where is the Sun when I need it the most?
Well. I did not need the Sun. I needed Hi—him to come back.
Alice bit his dry lips to stop himself from saying or even thinking of that name because it felt like a thousand needles were pecking his chest. Tears would threat to flood his cheeks, again, and he did not want that to happen because Tokie could barge in at any time to provide him some snack, then she would see it, then she would begin to cry.
So it is best he keep the pain to himself and try not to spread it.
I’ll be fine. Alice told himself. He did what he had to, he was wrong to hurt me but he did what had to be done. I should not cry, I should stop and be strong because this is what’s happening now. This is reality. Grow up and live with it, Alice.
…You asshole.
Alice tightened the arms he had put around the pillows and buried his face into it, tried to grasp any smell at all that might still be there, even though Hi—he had not been sleeping on this pillow for at least three months.
But just a little more. Thought Alice. Just a little more that I can fool myself of your existence. I’m going insane, Himura. I really am. I can feel myself losing it. I’m longing for you. I can’t stop. I would tear this pillow apart if I can feel, just a little more, that you’re here. I would. Himura. What the fuck have I become. What have you done to me?
Tears flooded his cheeks almost at the same time he let himself to finally think of that name. Alice let his face be buried deep into that pillow and it felt almost like he was trying to suffocate himself, which was impossible. Then, for God-knows how many times over the course of the past three months, Alice screamed hopelessly into that pillow and let himself cry.
Fuck you, Himura. Fuck you.
—
Who would have thought that three months later, he would be burying his face into the same damn pillow again, but this time his screams sounded very different.
Especially with Himura arching over him, thrusting the part Alice had never expected to see into his part where he would have never expected it to be thrusted in either.
It started almost right after Himura came back. He came in; we were all happy; we had dinner; I started writing again; he went to bed; Tokie made us breakfast; he sipped from a new mug because Tokie broke his previous one; I sipped some hot tea; the police called; we went in; he said “this crime isn’t beautiful” and solved it; we came back; Tokie made us another breakfast; we ate, and then there it was.
I didn’t dream this all, right?
It started with him apologising, for leaving me alone, for not texting or contacting, for making me worried. After a whole day, that’s when he’d apologised, although he had not expected me to forgive him right away, which, of course, I confirmed that with a fist towards his cheek.
That’s when I knew I might not be dreaming.
My emotions were exploding inside my chest. So damn loud all that escaped my lips were “fuck you, Himura,” and the rest were still busy with their self-argument and civil war. We, then, stared at each other for the longest ever. Then I reluctantly moved closer.
I honestly did not know why. Maybe it was just a dream? But at that time, when my feet were still moving towards Himura, all I could think of was just something, anything, that would ensure the Himura I was seeing wasn’t just a dream or an illusion.
Alice leaned in. Close enough he could smell Himura’s shampoo he’d used during his late-night shower. His hands slowly, reluctantly, raised towards Himura’s cheeks as if to confirm the man was there. To confirm he wasn’t dreaming. To ensure and bring relief to his three months of stress and agony. To tell himself that this time, after so many losses in his life, Alice was not losing Himura.
His hand was then welcomed by a soft touch from Himura’s. It was greeted first with the thumb, touching very gently before the five fingers grabbed it whole, creating a small reaction, and brought it to Himura’s cheek. The two hands traced Himura’s jawline, before finally stopped moving. Alice noticed the grab around his hand tightened. Their eyes connected.
Lingering stare, before Alice murmured. Are you…
…Here? Himura finished. Yes I am.
Silence.
…Don’t go. Alice’ voice was cracking. He knew but lacked the strength to do anything about it. Don’t leave me alone again.
I did it for your safety.
But you were in danger, and it was the most unbearable thing in my life having been thinking you’re dead.
A pause.
I hate that, Himura. I hate not being with you.
Another pause. Followed by a hoarse apology, and Alice knew there were tears welling up Himura’s eyes.
“Be together.” Demanded Alice. “Don’t leave me alone again.”
Silence. But their eyes never stopped staring deep into each other, and between those silence, Alice swore there was another thing in Himura, that he had never known of, but that was breaking out very soon.
And it started with Himura, whispering.
“…May I?”