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Armie: How’s London?
Timmy: Fun
Armie: I can see that. Also fuck oldman!
Timmy: Not my type.
I put down the phone to stop myself from sending something I would regret. I haven’t seen him since that party. I can’t shake that memory off, it’s all I think about. His eyes looking deep into me, jolting all my nerves into full attention. His parted lips, gasping as the girl sucks him off. I should’ve left before he saw me, I shouldn’t have followed him in the first place. But he has me on a string, even now - being an ocean away. I spend my days on the phone - waiting for a text from him, searching for any new pictures of him, getting jealous when I see him with anybody else. It’s madness but I can’t help myself.
Armie: When you’re coming back?
Timmy: Man, we’re seeing each other before the oscars, remember?
Armie: Yeah, but when are you coming back to NY?
He doesn’t respond for a while. I try to distract myself but it’s after midnight and the whole house is asleep. I go downstairs to the kitchen and immediately find myself being hit by a memory of the time I caught Timmy snooping in the fridge in the middle of the night, because he couldn’t sleep. We ended up sitting by the pool, eating, smoking and talking until dawn. I remember his eyes sparkling in the dark, always on me, always full of fondness. Maybe that’s one of the things that pulls me towards him - that warm feeling of being looked at like that. But it was so easy then. Somehow it was enough. I don’t know why it all got so fucked up. Who am I kidding, I know why. I want him, he wants me, I’m married. Story as old as the world. But somehow it doesn’t feel like a cliche to me. It feels like so much more.
Timmy: I’m on my way to the airport, actually. Why?
Why? Because I want to see you, dumbass. I need to see you, I need to see these eyes of yours.
Armie: Nothing, thought you were going to stay for fashion week, since you’re now a fashion icon :P
Timmy: Look who’s talking, TRAXSUIT sensei
I go online and book my ticket to NY. Now I just have to find a decent pretext and sell it to Elizabeth.
_______
It’s so good to be home. I feel like I could sleep for days. But as soon as I get under the covers of my bed I hear a knock. I consider ignoring it but it’s insistent. I go and open the door.
„Armie?” I’m shocked. „Something’s wrong? What happened?” I let him in.
„Oh, no, nothing’s wrong. I just.. uh..”
I wait for him to finish the sentence but it doesn’t happen. I can’t believe he’s here. I’ve been dreading this moment, because things undeniably shifted since the last time I saw him. Well, to say „saw him” is an understatement. No, I eye-fucked him until we both came simultaneously while being 6 feet apart. That cannot be taken back, cannot be unseen, that line has been crossed. Right now I try to shake that memory off since I feel it wakes the vessels in my cock.
„What are you doing here?”
„I.. uh.. I had to see you.”
He hangs his head down, looks at the floor, ashamed. He seems so fragile, so small, so young. This sight washes over me with a heavy wave of love and my stomach starts to hurt. This is how I always wanted him. Surrendered to me. Mine.
„Look at me.” He obeys without hesitation. I push it further and demand:
„Tell me.”
„Tim.” he says as if that was everything to say, as if it meant everything.
I wait in silence as I move closer to him to be able to reach him and force him to look at me if he decides not to. But he stares into my eyes and then moves his eyes to my lips and my neck and further down my body as if he was devouring me. I step even closer and put my arms on the wall behind him, my forearms touch his waist on each side, enclosing him. My head is right below his and he looks at me from above as his hands move to my back and under my t-shirt just like mine did that one time after they announced Oscars nominations. He pushed me away that day. Is he doing it on purpose? Is he saying he won’t push me away this time?
„Tell me.” I now I don’t sound as commanding as I would wish, but I just need to know and I need him to say it otherwise it won’t be real, it won’t matter.
„I don’t know if I can.” he admits while caressing my back with his warm hands that are so big that they cover almost my entire back. I close my eyes and sigh, because even thinking about these hands used to make me hard and now they are on my body, where they belong.
„Tell me.” I won’t back down, not now, when I know I’ve finally got him.
„Tim. I..” I move my hands to his chest and keep them there.
„I just can’t stop thinking about you, Tim. Whenever you’re not with me, I’m immediately, I don’t know, cold. And lost. And not myself. I think I’ve lost control.” he exhales slowly as I wait for more.
„I’m married, for fucks sake. I’m a married man. I don’t want to be that guy, you know? I don’t want to hurt people.”
It took him so long to admit it and still he fights it. So I keep him steady with my hands and nod for him to continue. His hands moved to my neck now, I try to ignore the sensation.
„I don’t know what I’m doing, Tim. I feel like I’m losing my mind. All I think about is you. All I want is you. But I can’t just act on it, I just can’t. There are consequences. There is a shit-storm of consequence for both of us and I know you know.”
„I know.” I put my hands on his, give them a squeeze and take them away from my neck. I move away and feel an immediate chill on my skin, all the air between us suddenly cold.
I brace myself for what I’m about to say.
„I want to thank you for coming here and telling me this face to face. I understand, in some ways. But you have to know that this ends now. We’re not playing this game anymore.”
„I’m not playing games, Tim.”
I look at him and start to shake, but I can’t let myself be weak now. I know my voice cracks and I just whisper, I can’t muster anything more, my throat is closed and I have to squeeze every syllable out of me:
„I mean this is it. I can’t be around you, I can’t see you, you cannot text me. It’s over.” The word „over” hangs on my lips, I’m not even sure I said it. I don’t look him in the eyes, instead I focus on his hands, now clenched in fists, so when he brings them to cover his face I finally look at him and see he’s crying.
„You have the whole world at your feet, of course you don’t need me.” he says more to himself than to me but I still hear him and it still hits me right in the chest. I’m not sure if I’m more angry, or hurt, or just full of pity for him in this moment.
„Tell me, Armie, do you really think you can live like this?” Angry, then. „I’m free, I can get over you and move on and fill that space with somebody new. But you? You want to stay in this marriage? You want to live this precious lie at any cost? Do you really think you can forget me? Even if I disappear completely from your life, would you really be able to forget me?”
I feel a wave of confidence that always comes with anger. It shows on my face, it straightens my back and bolts my feet to the ground. I feel bigger than him, so much stronger.
„Or is it just lust, huh? You just want to fuck me, is that it?” I grab my dick through my pants in a furious gesture.
„No.” he says quietly.
„No?” I’m riled up at this point, I know I’m acting stupid but I can’t stop.
„No! Fuck, Tim. What are you doing to me?” he moves in and grabs me by my shoulders and shakes me.
„What the fuck am I supposed to do, huh? What do you want me to do?” he cries in my face, his spit hits my cheeks.
„I love you.” I confess abruptly, because there’s nothing else left to say.
His lips clash on mine and I surrender. We’re both so desperate, so ravenous that it kills any thought in my head. I catch his moans in my mouth and nothing else exists. I taste salt of his tears and it dissolves me at first, because it’s somehow the physical proof of him being mine, but seconds later it brings me back to reality, because it’s also the physical proof that he can’t belong to me beyond this moment.
I release myself from him.
„Don’t.” he pleads with his hands holding my face tightly.
He kisses me softly and whispers „I am yours.”
I gently push him away, take my distance and just look at him patiently.
He touches his lips, still bewildered by our kiss. Then his eyes, blue oceans of longing, meet mine. He’s so beautiful, when he’s soft like this, so I can’t help but smile, warmth spreading all over my body. He smiles back and asks calmly:
“Tell me what to do.”
I summon all my strength and respond with confidence:
“You know what to do.”