Chapter Text
“Am I ever going to get the pleasure of spending the night with you?” Kara asks, her voice cutting into the comfortable silence of Lena’s office.
Lena looks up from her computer to find Kara standing in her doorway.
It’s late, of course, and Kara is holding a brown paper bag with the logo of Lena’s favourite natural kitchen on the front.
“I brought you dinner,” Kara says, stepping into Lena’s office and letting the door close behind her. She places the bag on Lena’s desk and then leans down and presses a soft kiss to Lena’s lips. “Hey, you.”
Lena smiles. “Hi.”
She reaches up to pull Kara closer so that she can kiss her again, but Kara pulls back. “Eat,” she says.
Lena pouts but does as she’s told. “Fine. And in answer to your first question: yes. Eventually.”
Kara gives her a quizzical look as she sits down on the couch. “When is eventually?” She asks.
Lena swallows a mouthful of salad, and she’s grateful that she has something to eat now because if nothing else, it gives her time to think of an answer to Kara’s question.
She’s expertly dodged this conversation for weeks now. Maybe even months.
But here in her office now, with no distractions, she knows she can’t avoid it any longer.
“It’s… complicated. I’m not very good at being in other people’s spaces. I haven’t had much practice,” Lena says, because she figures that’s a good place to start.
She knows she can tell Kara anything, but all of this is still so new to her and for the longest time, her automatic response to other people has been to shut them out. Kara is slowly bringing out the part of her that wants to trust people, but it’s still difficult sometimes.
“I get that. We talked about this before, weeks ago. But you hang out at my place all the time now. You just never stay over. And that’s fine, honestly, because spending time with you anywhere is nice, and I wouldn’t want to ever force you to stay over if you’re not comfortable doing that, but… The time we have together, it’s just not enough sometimes, Lena,” Kara replies, and Lena’s heart skips and she’s this close to crying, because even after months of being with Kara, sometimes it hits her that Kara wants her, and it’s so unfamiliar in the best way. “And don’t you dare roll your eyes at me, Lena Luthor. I am sick of you dismissing how much fun you are, how awesome you are. You’re the best, and one day, you will believe me when I say that,” Kara adds, and Lena hadn’t even realised she was rolling her eyes at Kara’s compliments.
She chuckles. “Sorry. I guess I’m just used to people hating me and wishing me dead. It kind of makes it hard to consider that anyone wants to spend any time with me, let alone wants to spend more time with me the way you do.”
Kara doesn’t laugh. “Don’t,” she says. “Don’t joke about that. It’s not funny.”
Lena chews and swallows another bite of her food. “People don’t like me, Kara. You’re going to have to get used to that and stop taking it personally.”
Kara shakes her head. “I’m not. I won’t. Not ever.”
Lena smiles, softly. And then she takes a deep breath and decides to tell Kara the truth.
“I have nightmares. A lot. I have ever since I was a child and I don’t know how to stop them. I wake up screaming or crying sometimes and I’m panicking and often it takes hours for me to calm down. I don’t— I haven’t ever told anyone that. But that’s why I don’t want to stay over, Kara. I don’t want anyone to see me like that,” Lena says, and she’s surprised by how much her voice shakes, and she’s even more surprised when she feels tears in her eyes.
“Get over here,” Kara says, and it’s a real testament of how far Lena’s come over the last few months that she actually does as Kara asks.
Wanting to go towards someone when she’s suffering emotionally will probably always feel strange, Lena thinks, but the longer she knows Kara, the easier it becomes.
Lena goes to sit down on the couch next to Kara, but Kara just pulls her into her lap instead and wraps her arms around Lena’s waist. Lena laughs and blushes warmly as Kara presses kisses to her neck and hugs her tightly.
“You know, if you had just told me this before, we could have bonded over it?” Kara says, pulling back and meeting Lena’s eyes.
“Hmm?”
“Lena, I literally watched my home planet explode with literally everyone I’ve ever loved still on it. Did you honestly never even stop to consider that I might have nightmares too?”
Lena stares at Kara like she’s trying to read every thought she’s ever had.
“I’m sorry,” Lena says, because she is.
Kara dismisses her. “I’m not mad at you. You don’t have to be sorry. Not everything is your fault, Lena.”
Lena wants to cry, then. But she doesn’t, because even though she trusts and loves Kara with her whole heart, she’s not there yet.
“No, I know. I just mean that I’m sorry for what happened to you. But also for not talking to you about this. Because this feels… nice. Talking, I mean. I’m still not used to it but I think I could be one day.”
Kara smiles. “Nightmares suck. Like, really bad.”
Lena kisses her.
Lena kisses her for 10 whole minutes and then she says, “Would it be okay if I stayed the night?”
Kara’s smile makes her wish she’d asked her months ago.
Kara’s smile makes her want to ask that question every single night for the rest of her life.
Kara pulls a face as Lena reaches into the cupboard in search of something to drink.
“Don’t you want to drink?” Lena asks, regarding Kara’s frown, twirling a bottle of whiskey in her hands.
“Whiskey is gross. And I can’t get drunk anyway, idiot. Not on that. So what’s the point?” Kara responds, taking the bottle from Lena and putting it back in the cupboard.
“If you don’t like whiskey, why do you have a bottle in your apartment?” Lena asks.
“Ohhh I don’t know. Sometimes there’s this really cute brunette that comes over though, and I heard she has a thing for whiskey. And I have a thing for impressing her. So go figure. Maybe you can meet her one day? She’s really cute,” Kara laughs, and then Lena hits her over the head with a nearby cushion that she pulls off of the couch.
“Watch it, Supergirl. I might take you up on that offer and fall in love with her.”
Kara dramatically places her hand over her chest and fakes a pained expression. “But I thought you had a thing for blondes!”
Lena hits her with the cushion again. “One blonde, actually.”
“Just one? She must be pretty hot.”
Lena goes to hit her with the cushion again but Kara snatches it from her and throws it back on the couch.
Lena has never wished she was a cushion, but she wouldn’t mind being that one if it meant Kara Danvers was throwing her onto a couch.
“If you’re done talking about yourself in third person, I’m gonna get a drink,” Lena says, because her cheeks are flushed thanks to her thoughts, and she needs to distract herself.
But Kara steps in front of her and blocks her from the cupboard. “Nope. No drinking. You drink too much. I am hereby banishing you from the contents of this cupboard.”
Lena forgets for a second that Kara is super and tries to push her out of the way. She grips her biceps with the intent of just moving around her, but of course Kara doesn’t budge, and so Lena’s just standing there gripping Kara’s biceps and oh holy hot damn.
If her cheeks were slightly flushed before, they’re definitely flushed now.
“You should wear sleeves less,” Lena says.
Kara snorts out a laugh and it makes Lena blush harder. She has no idea why.
“Oh, really?” Kara teases. “Why? Are my biceps impressing you? Maybe I don’t need the whiskey after all.”
Lena rolls her eyes and tries to pretend she isn’t 3 seconds from kissing the life out of Kara. “You don’t. But I do.”
Kara frowns again, then. “Lena, I’m serious. You drink too much.”
“You’ve known me for 6 months and you’re only now telling me this?”
“I tell you all the time. But you’re usually too drunk to remember,” Kara says, and Lena laughs.
Kara doesn’t.
“Fine. Whatever,” Lena says, dismissively.
“Why do you even want to drink right now, anyway? Aren’t we already having fun without it?”
They are, Kara’s right. Lena’s barely even thought about how the night will go or whether she’ll inevitably have a nightmare for the first time and Kara will see, because she’s been too busy enjoying the prospect of an entire night with Kara to worry too much.
Lena spends a lot of time with Kara already. Most days they meet somewhere for lunch or Kara brings takeout to Lena’s office. They’re over at each other’s apartments almost every night, too. But Lena always leaves, or she asks Kara to leave. And she’s never stopped to consider how much the ending of their time together plays on her subconscious.
Knowing she has a whole night with Kara tonight and that neither of them have to go anywhere until morning makes Lena feel light inside.
So she really doesn’t understand why she still feels so compelled to drink.
“Honestly, Kara, I guess I just don’t know who I am without a glass of wine or whiskey in my hand. It helps me think straight. Which is something I struggle to do around you especially,” Lena responds, swallowing down the desire to just make light of the situation.
“Think straight,” Kara says. “What an ironic thing to say to a woman whose biceps make you blush.”
“Figure of speech,” Lena replies, and then she flicks Kara’s forehead. Kara pretends it hurts. “And I was trying to be honest and vulnerable then, and you ruined it by making fun of me.”
Kara takes Lena’s hand and smiles, softly. “Hey, I wasn’t making fun of you, okay? I would never. I guess me making dumb jokes is the equivalent of you and your whiskey. Because being around you also makes it hard for me to think straight, for lack of a better phrase,” she admits, her cheeks pinkening slightly. “Actually I don’t think straight at all around you,” Kara laughs, and then she seems to realise that she’s made an unnecessary joke again, and she blushes. “Sorry.”
Lena squeezes her hand. “Forgiven.”
Kara smiles. “Seriously though. I worry about you. Drinking everyday isn’t good for you, even if is basically part of your personality by now. You’re gonna kill your liver, you know?”
Lena rolls her eyes again. “You’re worried about my liver? I’m worried about your cholesterol, with all the doughnuts and fried Chinese food. When was the last time you ate a vegetable?”
“Cholesterol doesn’t work the same way for Kryptonians, Lena. I can eat all the fried goodness I want and still stay in tip top shape! And I actually ate a vegetable last week. You made me. Remember?”
“I didn’t make you do anything,” Lena laughs.
“You cooked. I’ll eat anything you cook. And you know that. So technically…”
Kara shrugs and grins and then the urge to kiss her senseless is back, and this time, Lena doesn’t fight it.
As their lips meet, Lena considers that maybe she doesn’t need whiskey after all to feel drunk.
Maybe just kissing Kara Danvers is perfectly enough.
“Can I tell you something?” Kara asks, her voice soft and low and serious.
It’s a couple of hours later, and they’re lying on Kara’s couch, watching reruns of The X Files. Lena’s completely atop Kara, her arms wrapped around Kara’s waist, her head on her chest, their clothes strewn on the living room floor.
It turns out that Lena had gotten her wish, the wish about being a cushion, because Kara hadn’t even hesitated to throw her onto the couch earlier.
Kara’s been alternating between playing with Lena’s hair and tracing patterns into the bare skin of her back for the last half an hour at least.
Everytime this happens, Lena can’t quite believe that it’s real. That any of it is real. That Kara is real.
“Of course. Anything,” Lena replies.
It doesn’t even scare her anymore that she means it. It doesn’t even scare her anymore that she would answer any question Kara has to ask, no matter what.
Lena’s mildly aware that they both have work tomorrow and should probably be heading to bed soon, but she isn’t about to be the one to ruin the moment.
“I want to order pizza.”
Lena laughs and then pulls the cushion from under Kara’s head to hit her with it.
“Hey!” Kara yells, batting the cushion out of the way. “Don’t start something you can’t finish, Luthor.”
Lena grins. “That’s tempting.”
Kara rolls her eyes. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Do you want to test that theory?” Lena asks, raising her eyebrows.
Kara regards her a moment. “Wait, what are we talking about? Because I’m talking about a pillow fight but that look in your eye makes me think you’re talking about something else entirely.”
“Oh, you were talking about pillows? I was talking about orgasms.”
This time, it’s Kara’s turn to hit Lena with the cushion. Lena just laughs and lets her.
“I hate you sometimes,” Kara says with a huff.
“Oh, honey. I love you too,” Lena chuckles, before Kara hits her with the cushion again. “But no, seriously. Did you actually want to tell me about pizza?”
Kara slips the cushion back under her head and sighs. “No. There was something else I wanted to talk about. But you’ve ruined the moment now. Because now all I can think about is asking you to explain and maybe demonstrate what you meant when you were talking about orgasms.”
“If I show you, do you promise you’ll talk to me about whatever it was you were going to before you got scared and said something you knew would make me laugh instead?” Lena asks, and even though the moment is light, she traces her thumb along Kara’s cheekbone softly to let her know that she’s serious.
Kara smiles and leans into Lena’s touch. She nods. “I promise.”
The next thing Kara says after that is Lena’s name, and it’s through gritted teeth and with a racing heart, as Lena relentlessly teases Kara with her mouth between her legs.
It’s almost 3am by the time Kara and Lena reluctantly head to bed.
Reluctantly is used lightly though, as Kara definitely seems excited too as she carries Lena bridal style into her bedroom and deposits her into bed. And then Lena watches in amazement as Kara super-speeds her nightly routine and is joining her within 17 seconds, freshly showered and teeth brushed. But as soon as Kara climbs under the sheets, the reluctance is there without a doubt and Lena doesn’t quite know what to say.
“Are you okay?” Lena asks, quietly.
Kara’s hand finds Lena’s under the covers and grips it tightly.
“I would be lying if I said yes, but this helps,” Kara says, squeezing Lena’s hand.
Lena squeezes back. “Maybe we’ll be alright, you know?”
Kara smiles, but Lena can tell that her heart isn’t in it.
Kara reaches over and turns off the lamp at the side of the bed and then curls herself into Lena, resting her head against Lena’s shoulder.
“Lena, I’m— I have to tell you something. I have to tell you what I was going to tell you earlier. Before I got scared, I mean.”
“Of course. Anything,” Lena says, pressing a kiss to the top of Kara’s head.
“The only person I’ve ever shared a bed with is Alex. Once. I was just a kid, we both were, and I’d barely been on Earth a year. I had a nightmare whilst we were sleeping in the same bed and she tried to help me but I freaked out and I hurt her. Like really bad. Like I broke her arm. In three places. And I tried to explain that I didn’t mean to do it and that I was sorry and that I was just so scared and I instinctively tried to protect myself when Alex tried to wake me up from the dream but… I still broke her arm, Lena. Alex was so mad, and she had every right to be. All I can think about sometimes is how scared she was too, how much she cried, how terrified her scream was when I snapped her arm with my bare hands. Eliza tried to be nice about it, she tried to calm Alex down and we took her to the ER and she made up some excuse about falling down the stairs, but for weeks after that, even she was scared of me too, I could tell. Anyway, I’ve never shared a bed with anyone since. Not ever. And so I’m really scared that I’m going to hurt you too. I’ve almost asked you to leave like 5 times tonight,” Kara says.
Lena doesn’t think she’s ever heard Kara sound so afraid.
“I can go if you want me to,” Lena whispers, and she will if that’s what Kara wants, but every single bone in her body wants to stay here with Kara like this where they can keep each other safe.
“If you want to go, you should go. I understand if you’re scared of me or if you-“
“Hey, no, Kara, I’m not scared of you,” Lena interrupts.
Kara rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling. “You should be,” she mutters.
“Have you ever talked to Alex about what happened?” Lena asks.
Kara shakes her head. “Not really. I mean, it was a long time ago and I don’t think Alex still blames me for what happened. But we’ve never talked about it properly. And I’ve always been too scared to bring it up because I’m scared that deep down, Alex still hates me for it.”
Lena squeezes Kara’s hand again. “Most of my nightmares are about my brother,” she says, after a deep breath. “Sometimes they start out good and then go bad quickly, other times they’re just bad from the second they begin. Sometimes they’re more like memories than dreams. And then sometimes they’re not about him at all. Sometimes they’re about my mother. Sometimes they’re about you. Or specifically, about losing you or hurting you. Sometimes, halfway through a dream, I realise that I am Lex, and I’m-“ Lena stops and shivers, because she can’t even bring herself to finish that sentence.
“Lena…” Kara whispers.
“Sometimes, I’m just alone. Those nightmares are the worst. I’m screaming and crying and no one hears me. They’re the dreams that scare me the most. Because for the longest time, Kara, they weren’t dreams. They were real.”
“You’re not alone, Lena. Not anymore,” Kara says, and then she pulls Lena into her and wraps her arms around her tightly. “I’m never going to leave you.”
“And I’m never going to leave you. That’s the point I’m trying to make,” Lena replies, softly, calmly.
Lena feels Kara settle in her arms. “Okay,” she says, pressing a soft kiss against the skin of Lena’s neck.
“You’re safe here,” Lena whispers. “And so am I,” she adds, because she knows Kara needs to hear it and she needs Kara to know that she isn’t scared.
Kara shivers. “I’m still not sure about this, Lena,” she whispers back.
“You don’t have to be. But I’m staying either way.”
“I don’t understand you sometimes,” Kara says quietly, shaking her head slightly.
Lena chuckles. “Darling, not a lot of people do.”
The last thing she hears before she falls asleep is the sound of Kara laughing.
And it really isn’t a surprise that she has no bad dreams that night.
Kara doesn’t either.
Lena texts Kara on her lunch break the next day.
L: What are you doing tonight?
Kara’s response is immediate.
K: You. Hopefully
Lena laughs.
L: Smooth. I like it.
K: Good. That was my intention
A pause.
K: Seriously though. I am doing you tonight, right?
L: Yes. Definitely.
L: Multiple times, hopefully.
L: Because obviously I’m saying over again.
K: *fist bump*
L: You’re so lame.
K: You love it
L: I love you.
K: Damnit, Lena. Now that was smooth…
L: :)
K: I can’t believe we’re actually spending nights with each other now. It’s a big step
L: It feels so good though.
L: Some might even say it feels… super.
K: Don’t ever text me again
L: :(
L: I have to get back to work. See you tonight.
K: K. Don’t think about me too much :)
L: I will.
True to her word, Lena does.