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They say that True Love’s very first kiss can break any curse, fix any spell, unchain any bound heart. They say that True Love’s kiss can break almost any curse, fix many spells, unchain most bound hearts. What they don’t tell you is that there are things that True Love’s kiss cannot fix, be it the first one or not.
Namjoon’s parents had always told him that, while True Love’s kiss could fix any magical mishap that might happen, building a relationship was something you had to do on you own, no amount of kisses would help when you were fighting over whether the bed you should get should be green or blue. And Namjoon, who had heard similar stories his entire life, was inclined to believe them. There was no reason to question what they were saying when it made logical sense, and was proved through the years. His mother had, for instance, fallen under a curse, which his father had fixed with a simple kiss. He knew of some parents, too protective of their children and unwilling to give them away to anyone but their True Love, that cursed their own children so that they would know when their True Love came (which, for the record, Namjoon thinks is a little too much and more than a little reckless). So, Namjoon never bothered himself with magical things, never tried to learn about the different curses and spells and such, because he trusted that True Love’s kiss would fix that. Instead, he focused on himself, making sure he could be the best version of himself for his True Love.
Okay, so there is one thing Namjoon isn’t exactly sold on, and that’s how the Universe (or whatever you choose to believe in, he isn’t one to judge) decides on your True Love. Because, like, the most popular stories of True Love are those with princes and princesses and other royal figures, where they were both young and in danger and somehow it all managed to work out well. But, Namjoon knew stories of people who found their True Love when they were too old to love another; people who wait their entire lives to meet their True Love, but who, in the end, never actually get a chance to meet them at all. So, yeah, there are things that don’t make a lot of sense, things that Namjoon wished people paid more attention to, but overall he quite likes the idea of True Love. It’s comforting, in a way, to not have to worry about falling in love with someone and being unsure whether they’re really the one for you. It’s comforting not having to think about whether you’ll ever find “The One“, because the Universe is making sure that you do. Well, probably is. Hopefully.
Another thing! What happens if the universe fucks up and doesn’t put you with someone of your preferred gender? Namjoon has never actually seen it happen, but the fear is still there, in the back of his mind. Personally, Namjoon is fine with anything, but his friend, Taehyung, is pretty sure he is only into dudes, and what if the Universe doesn’t respect that? It’s a bit silly to think, considering that the whole True Love deal should be fail proof, should guarantee that you get someone you’ll love for the rest of your life. It’s just that, Namjoon is scared. He’s scared of fucking this up, somehow, before it’s even actually started. It’s a silly thing to be afraid of, Namjoon knows that (and Taehyung never wastes an opportunity to tell him just how stupid a fear it is), but it’s not like he can just turn it off. He wishes he could, but he has yet to figure out a way to do so.
These fears don’t disappear when he meets Yoongi. Yoongi is short, and passionate, and soft, and beautiful, and Namjoon knows Yoongi is his True Love the first moment their eyes meet. He can’t exactly explain it, doesn’t think he wants to butcher the feeling by trying to put it into words, but Taehyung asks so he can’t just, not explain. The best he comes up with is this: “It’s like being hit by a truck, but also nothing like that at all. It’s like, I heard his voice and saw his face and I was immediately interested, drawn to him almost. Like when you hear the first chord of a song and you know it’s going to be your favorite song, like reading the first line of a book and being unable to put it down until you’ve read the entire thing. And then, when our eyes met, that’s when the metaphorical truck slammed into my metaphorical heart. Or my real heart. Metaphors are confusing. But, like, it’s, it’s hard to explain, but it’s like suddenly seeing someone and being struck with the knowledge that you’ve lived countless iterations of your life together, and then also immediately forgetting that you’ve ever lived another life before. It’s like being hit by a truck, but also nothing like that at all.” (Taehyung tells him he’s being far too philosophical and poetic, but Namjoon still thinks his description is a bad one, not nearly poetic enough to describe the event.) But, the point is, none of Namjoon’s fears disappear. He thinks his mother might have mentioned it, or perhaps he read it in a book somewhere, but he remembers someone saying that you wouldn’t be worried about anything once you met your True Love. Bullshit. Namjoon is still worried about all the same things; worried about not being good enough, about being wrong because they haven’t actually kissed yet, about how there could still be so many problems ahead of them and there’s so much Namjoon isn’t sure of. Taehyung tells him he’s being silly, that he’s thinking too much and that it’ll melt away eventually. When Namjoon tells Yoongi about some of his worries, Yoongi admits that he has uncertainties and fears similar to Namjoon’s, that he worries too much and thinks too much and that he’d much prefer a first date before they try to kiss and find out. Namjoon is fine with that. He’s fine with going on dates first. (He’s also very much fine with Yoongi having similar concerns as him, happy that he isn’t completely alone in this.)
Namjoon lets Yoongi plan their first date, mostly because Yoongi insists on it, but also because Namjoon’s never actually been on a date so he has no idea what one is supposed to look like. (Taehyung, being the good friend that he is, spends the day before the date watching movies with Namjoon, any movie that has a date scene in it, so that they can prepare him.) They go to a cafe, a nice little place that Namjoon has never heard of but that Yoongi seems to like quite a bit. It’s small and decorated to look more like a home than a cafe. The workers all seem to know Yoongi, and when Namjoon asks about it, Yoongi admits that he’s been frequenting the cafe for the past year or so, coming almost every day. Namjoon thinks that’s cute. He also thinks that Yoongi is cute, with his shy smiles and slightly flushed cheeks. They both order drinks (Namjoon gets a coffee, black and simple, and Yoongi gets a hot chocolate, claiming that he will not deny himself the simple pleasures in life), and they share a chocolate cake, Yoongi’s favorite. Relaxing into conversation with Yoongi is easy, talking about anything that comes to mind is like second nature. Namjoon doesn’t feel the need to think and analyze before he says something, is relaxed enough to say stupid things and laugh about them and even feel proud of himself when Yoongi laughs with him, proud because he managed to make Yoongi laugh. They spend the good part of their afternoon there, and when they leave, they walk around for a while, hand in hand. Namjoon’s never walked while holding someone’s hand, not like this, but it’s nice, it’s probably one of the nicest feelings Namjoon’s ever felt. The way in which their hands fit together, as if they were made to walk hand in hand, is odd, and something Namjoon thought he’d never experience. He wants to write poetry about it and sing songs about it. He thinks he’ll settle for telling Taehyung about it though. The conversation between then flows like water, sometimes they fall into a lull, into silence, but it doesn’t feel awkward. Namjoon doesn’t feel the need to talk and fill the silence, is comfortable just letting it be. He hopes Yoongi is comfortable too, hopes that he’s enjoying this as much as Namjoon is, hopes that he’ll get his kiss when the date ends. That would be nice, getting to kiss Yoongi would be nice. Namjoon ends up walking Yoongi home, ends up right in front of his house with him, standing facing him as Yoongi explains how his friend ended up with green hair instead of brown. He almost wants to interrupt him so that he can kiss him, but there is no way that he’s doing that, because he doesn’t want to kiss him without permission and also because listening to Yoongi talk is far too captivating. He has a subtle way of talking, doesn’t gesture or wave his arms around much, but his lips quirk up and his eyes crinkle and his head tilts slightly, and there are so many little things that he does and Namjoon wants to remember all of them. When he’s done, and when they’ve said goodbye and I should go three times already, Yoongi leans up and kisses his cheek, promises he’ll give him a different kiss after their next date. And, funny thing is, Namjoon isn’t disappointed. Sure, he wishes he could have gotten a proper kiss from Yoongi, but waiting for it, just knowing that Yoongi likes him for him and not because the Universe demands it, is a nice feeling. So Namjoon is content to wait.
It’s on Namjoon to plan their second date, and he stays up until six in the morning with Taehyung as they make the perfect plan together (to be fair, half of that time is spent on Namjoon recounting the first date and just gushing about Yoongi). It takes a lot of planning, and some googling, but Namjoon finally decides that going to the amusement park isn’t a bad idea. It’s summer! They should go out and have fun! Plus, Namjoon is more than a little curious about how Yoongi reacts to more high energy situations. They meet up there, and Yoongi greets him in the same way that he had said goodbye after their last date, a kiss on the cheek. It’s cute. Falling into a conversation is as easy as it had been on their first date, effortless in a way that Namjoon is unfamiliar with, but in a way that he very much enjoys. Yoongi comes prepared with topics to talk about, questions to ask, doesn’t let their conversation fall into a lull for too long. They have similar opinions on a lot of things, but not on all of them, of course, because that would be weird. They both like similar music, and where their tastes diverge it’s not drastic. He isn’t sure why, but the music thing is important to him (okay, so he knows exactly why - it’s because music is important to him in general, the amount of meanings layered on top of each other beautifully performed over the perfect beat. It’s important to Namjoon, but he doesn’t want to admit just how important it is). They don’t talk while on the rides, but Namjoon gets to learn a lot about Yoongi regardless. He gets to learn what Yoongi looks like when he’s scared, excited, eyes closed, lips stretched out into a wide smile, gripping onto Namjoon. Yoongi is beautiful. He’s beautiful no matter which expression he’s wearing, and Namjoon finds himself falling in love every time he looks at him. They have lunch at the amusement park, and Namjoon finds out that Yoongi eats more sweets than actual food. He’s not at all surprised, even though Yoongi looks like the type that likes bitter and sour things. He’s softer on the inside than he appears on the outside is the impression that Namjoon gets. They spend almost the entire day there, and yet it feels like no more than an hour had passed. Namjoon finds himself wishing that time would stop, so that they could be stuck in this bliss forever. It’s a nice thought, but not one he shares with Yoongi. Maybe next time. Namjoon doesn’t get to walk Yoongi home this time, but he doesn’t get to kiss him either. Turns out Yoongi’s idea of a different kiss is kissing his other cheek (which, you know, credit to him, but Namjoon hadn’t even noticed that Yoongi had kissed the same cheek in greeting at the beginning of their date as he had at the end of their last one). But Namjoon can’t be mad, because it’s so cheeky and so Yoongi, that he can only smile (and it’s weird, how he feels like he knows Yoongi so well already, but Namjoon is trying not to read into all the weird things). Namjoon can only laugh when Yoongi promises him a proper kiss at the end of their next date.
Yoongi is supposed to plan their third date, but he never gets the chance to. Or, perhaps he does plan it, but Namjoon can’t bring himself to think that Yoongi would plan a date quite like this one. Namjoon gets a call from Yoongi’s cell that tells him that Yoongi is in the hospital, but tells him nothing about what might be wrong and how serious the situation is. Namjoon has never moved faster in his life; he gets to the hospital in record time. He finds Yoongi after spending too much time trying to explain to the nurse who he is and why he’s here. Yoongi is lying in bed, looking almost fine but at the same time incredibly tired. Namjoon rushes to his side, and after that his world comes crashing down around him. Yoongi admits that he has a curse, a curse that has been in his family for countless generations. He explains then, with a heavy heart, that the curse cares for nothing except age, that it takes your life regardless of what you’ve done and achieved. And Namjoon doesn’t even have to protest for Yoongi to tell him that True Love’s kiss doesn't work, not even the first one. They’ve tried everything, he says, in previous generations, have tried everything there is to try, legal or otherwise. Nothing works. Nothing will ever work. And, damn it, but Namjoon doesn’t think that’s fair. He’s only just gotten to meet Yoongi, has only just started to fall in love with him, and now some stupid curse that can’t be broken is already taking him away and it’s not fair. Is Namjoon just supposed to live the rest of his life alone? He can’t possibly try and move on, can’t even think about falling in love with someone else. The risk of taking someone else’s True Love from them is far too big. And how could he ever dare to go against what the Universe has planned for him? What the Universe has planned for him. What a joke. The Universe doesn’t know anything. The Universe is responsible for this, responsible for so many mismatched True Loves, responsible for people living their life thinking that they might never meet their True Love. The Universe is to blame. And yet, the Universe continues to hold this over their heads, demands that they spend their entire lives searching for, waiting for, praying for their True Love to come to them. What a bunch of bullshit.
As Namjoon kisses Yoongi then, as he’s lying there, heart gradually slowing down, he’s aware that they have two very different sentiments. Yoongi is happy that the curse gets to die out with him, that he has no children who will be tortured by it. Namjoon, on the other hand, can’t help but feel immense grief wash over him, because their first kiss is also their last one.
Later, Taehyung will ask him what it feels like to live in a world where you know your True Love is dead. Namjoon has a hard time explaining it, has a hard time even focusing on the feelings enough to fully understand them, but he knows that voicing them is important, so he tries. The best he comes up with is this: “It’s like living in a world without a sun, but also nothing like that at all. I constantly have this feeling in my chest, I’m constantly aware that it’s there and no matter what I do I can’t ignore it, can’t forget about it, can’t just wish it out of existence. It’s a heavy sort of feeling, like someone is pressing a hand against my heart and they just won’t let go, no matter how much I beg. I constantly feel like something is missing, like something is there, in the corner of my eyes, but when I turn to it I can’t find it. It’s like a string of rainy days where you get a little gloomier each passing day, expect you can’t hope for the eventual sunshine to break through because you know it will never come. It’s living with the constant knowledge that the Universe has robbed you of something, robbed you of something it has promised you. It’s being handed hope, only to have it taken away and tossed aside where you can no longer reach it. It’s like living in a world without a sun, but also nothing like that at all.” He doesn’t think he does the feeling justice, but it feels a little better to express it to someone, to let it be heard.
They say that True Love’s very first kiss can break any curse, fix any spell, unchain any bound heart. They say that True Love’s kiss can break almost any curse, fix many spells, unchain most bound hearts. What they don’t tell you is that there are things that True Love’s kiss cannot fix, be it the first one or not. When he was young, Namjoon thought this meant only things concerning the actual relationship you develop with your True Love. Let the magic of the kiss worry about almost everything, and spend your time instead focusing on bettering yourself, so that you may deserve your True Love’s adoration. They tell you that the Universe will take care of it.
They don’t tell you that the Universe does a very poor job of taking care of it. Some people will get a True Love that has lived millennia before they were born, others will get one that is yet to even exist by the time they draw their last breath. Some will get a True Love that hates them with every fiber of their being, and others will get one that they can barely stand. And some people will get a True Love that is dying, and there is nothing that they can do about it, no kiss that they can offer that will fix this. They don’t tell you that sometimes you will have to live an entire life without your True Love, that you will exist in a world that does not have your True Love in it, for whatever reason. They don’t tell you that living like this is hard, that it sometimes even seems impossible. They don’t tell you that the Universe doesn’t hold any answers at all. They don’t tell you that you can go against the Universe. There is a lot that they don’t tell you, so Namjoon vows that he will tell the world instead, that he will not let any more innocent souls be fooled by such a harsh lie. If they won’t tell you, Namjoon will.