Chapter Text
Alex taps her fingers absentmindedly on the table in front of her, shoulders sagging forward from the booth she’s sitting in.
The bar's fairly busy tonight and Alex finds that her gaze doesn’t stray much farther than the bar top where Kara is getting them drinks or food. God she hopes it’s scotch, or tequila. Hell, both would be perfect.
Today has been a total mess and the water she has in front of her now isn't doing much to help.
She’d let her emotions get the best of her, something that seemed to happening more often than not these days.
And it always comes back to one thing.
Alex had tried everything else. She'd tried more sleep, less work, more game nights, less eating alone... more drinking and less, well maybe there was no less on that one.
Nothing made it better. Nothing told her she was okay or held or through the nightmares.
But Maggie had. And she’s gone.
‘Someone cut something out of you. A hole You dug in yourself. You had your chance at happiness and you threw it away.’
It echoes through Alex’s brain over and over again.
“Okay start with this and then I'll try talk you out of tequila.” Kara says, placing a bowl of fries on the table.
Alex scoffs “That's a bold move.”
She swivels the straw around her glass, avoiding her sisters gaze.
“Are we okay?” the blonde asks, head dipping down in a way that makes Alex look up at her.
“We are okay.” She emphasizes, head nodding.
Kara knows Alex feels bad already so the eldest Danvers doesn't feel the need to elaborate.
“Do you wanna tell me what's going on?” Kara presses.
Alex feels her jaw clench as she looks to the ceiling, berating whoever or whatever is up there turning her life to shit.
Throwing a hand up exasperatedly to her sister, Alex shrugs and shakes her head softly.
“I just thought that it would get easier... but it's not.”
A few weeks ago Alex knows that she'd be in tears right now, having this conversation. But all she feels is empty and tired, like there's nothing left inside to bring the tears to the surface. So they just sit, threatening to but never falling.
“Alex...”
She can hear the reprimanding tone in Kara’s voice and it gives her the push she needs to continue, because Kara clearly doesn't understand.
“You know, I have two speed dials on this phone.” she says, digging the device from her pocket. “Its you. And Maggie.”
Looking at the screen, Alex can picture the name that would stare her in the face if she were to turn it on. The lurch she would feel in her stomach.
“And every day, every single day, I look at this phone and I wanna call her. And then I wanna delete her.” She shakes her head, looking at the way Kara tilts her head as she listens.
“But I can't do either. Because I am... scared. And I am weak.” She admits.
“No, that's not true.” Kara reasons.
“No, but I mean it is. Because otherwise I would be better. And I keep willing myself to just get over it but...I can’t.” Alex clenches the phone in her hand, eyes meeting her sisters.
“And that's why I've given up hope. That's why I was angry. And why I refused to see Julia the way you saw her.”
Kara leans back against the booth, a crinkle forming behind her glasses.
“You know...I stopped believing too. I didn't think I would ever get through the heartache. But guess what? I'm getting through it. And you are far stronger than I am.”
Alex shakes her head, she's a little tired of her and Maggie's relationship being compared to Monel of all people, but Kara is just trying to help. And it's all she really has to relate to Alex, seeing as she apparently never loved James. And Alex doesn’t want to argue about her feelings with Kara again.
“See, you are always hopeful.” Alex states.
“So are you.” Kara urges. “You were hopeful when you made the decision that you could have more.”
Alex feels her chest tighten at that, it makes it sound like Maggie was nothing. She wasn't nothing. More than Maggie seemed like nothing, now that she was gone.
“And you know what,” Kara continues. “I think you were right. I think there is another person out there for you. And I think you will be a mom. You...you will have all the things.”
Alex can’t help how the ramble makes her smile. Not everything the hero is saying is really true, but having Kara is the only reason she's still standing. Even if she does feel ashamed and broken.
“I'm glad you're the way that you are.” She smiles softly at the blonde.
“You too.”
The pair share a smile and Alex takes comfort in the fact that Kara is in her life. Someone would be there to pick up the pieces at least.
Alex sips at her water and wonders if it would still be appropriate for tequila.
There's a sudden change in volume when a bunch of cops walk into the bar behind Kara. They're all smiling and clapping each other on the back. Something good must have happened on the last shift. The Police haven't really had much of a break with everything that's been going on with Reign, so it’s nice to see even they're getting a bit of a reprieve.
Alex watches deftly between the group as they get drinks and Kara as she inhales fries ten at a time. How the hero manages to breathe through all the carbs in her mouth is beyond her.
The DEO agent nearly spits out her drink when one of the cops speaks up over the crowd, his voice booming in their direction.
“Detective Sawyer! Hey that was an awesome bust, let us buy you a drink!”
Alex watches mortified as the blue uniformed group all balance beers and shuffle towards them. To the booth behind Alex.
“No thanks Michael's. I um...I actually gotta get on the paperwork for that so uh... I'm gonna clear out of here. Have one for me.”
Alex feels the breath catch in her chest at Maggie's voice. God was it always that beautiful?
Kara is frozen mid chew and Alex watches the way the blondes eyes widen in horror.
Fuck, Maggie had been right there, she probably heard everything. And Alex knows. Knows how it sounds like she thinks Maggie isn't enough. When really Alex had just panicked, she'd made a terrible mistake and was too ashamed to ask Maggie for forgiveness.
She already had her one chance for mistakes, who was she to ask for another.
Alex doesn't really register as her body moves to stand, hands bracing on the table as she turns towards where Maggie was sitting. The cops are all squeezing into and dragging chairs to the booth though. Alex peers into the group trying to find the short brunette.
She finally catches sight of a leather clad arm and sweep of dark hair pushing through the back door.
Alex takes off, pushing a little to get through the small crowd of people.
“Alex!” Kara yells after her, probably wanting to tell her to just leave it be.
But she can't, her feet move on their own and her heart thumps insanely against her ribs at just the thought of seeing Maggie. Seeing her gentle eyes and her smile. God, the things Alex would do to hear her laugh.
Crashing through the door, Alex is breathless and she yells desperately for the girl her heart is screaming for.
“Maggie! Maggie please wait!”
The detective stops, halfway to her bike which is propped by the road, her back to Alex.
She doesn’t turn around and Alex feels herself shuffling forward slightly until she’s only a few feet from the smaller woman.
“Maggie I –”
“Please don't.” She breathes harshly.
Alex isn't used to the way Maggie’s voice kilts in a mixture of pain and anger towards her.
“Please Maggie, I'm sorry. It doesn’t mean what it sounded like, I promise.” She begs the detective.
Maggie faces her, jaw tight and eyes steely.
“Don’t apologize to me. You're not sorry because of what it means, you're just sorry that I heard. Not that it matters anyway seeing as you've told me to my face already. So please, just stop.”
Alex can feel her heart break a little more at the tears that are catching in Maggie’s lashes, the way she crosses her arms defensively.
The dark circles beneath the detectives eyes and the way her small body screams that it needs a rest, push Alex over the edge.
“I never meant for you to feel this way Maggie, you have to know that. I would change everything if I could.” She pleads, tears starting to cover her cheeks. The emotion she's had locked away, burning to the surface.
Maggie shrugs "I thought I did know... everything. But I don't know anything now, what was real and what was just a new experience for you.”
Alex just stands, attempting to breath as Maggie chokes up but continues to speak.
“There's nothing to change. You know what you want. And I wasn't it. I'm not the one for you Alex, I was just the one you wanted for a while. And this is on me anyway, I should have just stayed away from the beginning like I fucking told myself to. I shouldn't have been with you at all.” She throws her hands up angrily and Alex finches back a little. “If it’s any help, I've already deleted your number so you may as well do the same.” Maggie paces a little on the spot, hands on her hips and Alex watches as the detective berates herself internally.
Alex wants to scream that she is the only one. She wants Maggie and only Maggie, if the gods above would ever let her be so lucky again.
But Alex, like always, says nothing like what she is thinking.
“So you hate me?”
Maggie scoffs at that. The reaction makes Alex's chest tighten and she feels like falling to her knees and begging Maggie to just to say she loves her one more time, before ripping her heart out.
Maggie takes a breath and it echoes gently in the alley, her lip quivering softly as the air moves past her lips.
“Right now... It's easier than loving you.”
Alex watches, unable to speak past the crushing feeling in her chest as Maggie walks away, wiping the tears on her face, gets on her bike and drives off.
And Alex is left standing, alone. Feeling just like she did all that time ago when Maggie had closed the door to their home for the last time.
Broken and empty. Knowing that as soon as Maggie left, she would give anything to have her back.
Kara appears and the hand she puts on her shoulder feels like it weighs five tons, loaded with all the things her little sister won’t say out loud.
Alex shrugs it off and heads back inside and grabs her keys. She's done avoiding her problem. Maggie is hurting because of her and Alex would be damned if she let another night go by without trying to fix it. Maggie deserves better.
“Alex just wait!” Kara pleads, hands raising up in a calm down motion.
“I have to go Kara. I can't be weak anymore. And before you say I’m not, please just understand that I feel it anyway. And the girl that I told to leave because I was scared, just left me again. And I'm not gonna let her go this time.” Alex grabs Kara by the shoulders, trying desperately to make her understand.
“You want children Alex. You can’t want that and Maggie. You made the right choice, there will be someone else out there for you –”
“No Kara. There won't. This feeling I have for Maggie, it only happens once if you're lucky and I know that now. I wanted kids, but that idea is from a different lifetime, Kara. One where my job isn't risking my life and the person I'm with...is a man. But a man could never be enough. I thought kids would make up for that.” It’s hard to admit, but it feels like a weight is coming off Alex's shoulders.
“And I never recalculated when I was with Maggie. I thought I still needed the kids to make up for what I'd be missing. But I don’t need that anymore Kara.” Alex reasons, all the thoughts she’s been having over the weeks spilling out in a Kara style ramble.
“Sure, I'd like kids. But I want her. And I only need one. And she's out there right now, hurting because of me." Alex wipes at her cheeks, trying to maintain her composure. She doesn't need anyone thinking she's anything less than someone who could kick their assess. "I'm tired Kara, I don’t wanna fight myself anymore, I just wanna give up and be happy. Because you're right, maybe I deserve to be happy. Maggie makes me so happy, she makes me laugh and she makes me feel alive, every day. And I...I have to go, okay. I'm sorry, so sorry if you think this is wrong or you're disappointed in me but...I have to go.”
Alex gives her sister a quick hug, not looking at Kara's face because she doesn’t want to deal with whatever she sees there right now.
Her hands shake as she pulls on her jacket and makes for the door.
Tossing on her helmet Alex swings a leg over her Ducati and revels in the sound of the engine roaring to life.
She instructs the helmet system to call DEO control, the line ringing for a few seconds as the bike rolls onto the road.
“Hiya Alex, what’s up?” Winn chimes through her helmet speaker.
“Winn, I need you to get me Maggie's new address.”