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Winwin sat in the dark in the middle of the practice room at the end of the hall, his back resting against the mirror-lined wall with his knees to his chest. He had escaped from the dorm, tiptoeing as he slipped out of the room he shared with Yuta and Taeil, careful not to wake anybody for that matter, as he went out into the cool moonlit night. It was a short brisk walk, hugging his thick jacket around him as the midnight wind ruffled his blonde hair. He usually didn’t go out of the dorm way past midnight, especially not when he knew they were to perform again the following evening. This era was surely the busiest since they debuted and despite this fact, Winwin wouldn’t have minded being in two NCT units. But something other than physical strain or stress bothered him. It was the constant ache in his heart.
He never realized when it began or how it even happened. All he knew was that everyday for the past year, he has been thinking about one person. Perhaps it was the way his touch lingered, the way he would smile tenderly when Winwin said or did something amusing or even the way Winwin felt his gaze glued on his face and Winwin pretended not to notice. When they were on stage, he would turn to Winwin to fix his audio wiring or if his suspenders got caught on his clothing. At times he would hug Winwin tightly when he felt like it or when he was happy. Other times he would caress Winwin’s hair or nape. At first Winwin found all of these endearing but then as months turned to years, the innocent acts would make his heart flutter or make him feel like a hundred butterflies were in his tummy. This person’s touches now aroused something other than brotherly love. What pained him was the pretense that it all meant nothing to him. It was a constant battle of emotions.
The nights were worse. Winwin would lie in bed, awake, thinking about him. His smile, his laughter, his silly antics and even the way he acted like a 5 year old trapped in an adult body. His body... Winwin often secretly watched him dance, the way his body would twitch or arch, the way his arms would wave gracefully and the way his hips would thrust seductively. With every move he made, Winwin’s heart raced and his blood rushed. But then it was the touching that bothered him the most. Every touch he felt from him made him ache for this person even more. And almost every night Winwin would shed silent tears on his pillow.
“Taeyong...” Winwin let the name roll on his tongue as if it were a gentle caress. He felt a pang in his chest. Thinking about Taeyong did this to him.
Winwin felt stinging in his eyes and tried to blink back the tears that threatened to fall. He shouldn’t be crying over something like this but he can’t help himself. He knew that he has fallen desperately in love with their leader. Something that would go terribly be wrong if he was ever found out.
He sighed dejectedly, shoulders drooping he rested his chin between his knees and wrapped his arms around his legs as he stared vacantly at the emptiness of the dimly lit room. He didn’t mind secretly pining for Taeyong. He never got bothered by the closeness of other members towards their leader. But lately, he was getting more and more affected. Especially with Ten.
It was mere happenstance. A folly of fate, when he witnessed the scene that wrecked him. They had just finished practice and the whole group streamed out of the room to finally have their dinner. All fifteen of them except two other members, which Winwin failed to notice.
Then it dawned upon him. He left his embroidered towel, a gift from his mother, in the dance practice studio. He was already outside when he realized he was missing the towel. Naturally he went back in to get it, but the scene that took place before him when he opened the door tore his heart out. There, in the middle of the room was Ten kissing Taeyong on the cheek after Winwin heard him say “I love you”. Then the two embraced each other with smiling faces. They broke apart when they noticed Winwin watching them.
“S-sorry,” was all Winwin could mutter while he went to grab the towel by the counter and left, despite him hearing Taeyong calling out to him. He walked out without giving them another glance, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall.
That was five days before and since then he avoided the two as much as he possibly can. Especially Taeyong, who seemed to reach out to him at every opportunity whenever it arose. But Winwin was adamant. He was curt when spoken to, evaded Taeyong whenever he appeared to approach Winwin or try to talk to him. In fact, he avoided everyone else altogether. He built a protective wall around him, guarding his aching heart. He was often holed up in his room lying on the bed, wallowing in self pity when there was no schedule. He barely ate, despite Yuta’s and Taeil’s nagging.
When Winwin saw the teasers of Ten and Taeyong's video his heart felt like it was being torn to shreds. He knew he shouldn’t be feeling this way, yet there it was, staining his heart with jealousy. In the back of his mind, he only wanted to love Taeyong and to be loved back. But he knew this was impossible now. The sky would fall before it happened. Winwin snorted, laughing at himself. He was being stupid as usual, thinking something good would come out of falling in love with someone who can never be his. Sighing heavily, Winwin pushed himself up and walked to the audio system. He took out a flash drive from his pocket and plugged it in to play his favorite instrumental. It was supposed to be a sad song about unrequited love by a Chinese violinist.
Winwin went to the center of the room and started to dance as the music started. His graceful and fluid motions matching the rhythm. His turns and twists paced with the beat. Winwin danced his heart out, his long limbs stretching beautifully. His lines perfect. His leaps outstanding. But his heart kept weeping. He danced to the poignant music matching his mood. His body swaying and moving to the melody to fit his emotions, releasing his torment through his movements. He danced to his pain, he danced for his love and he danced to forget. But he couldn’t.
The music stopped and so did he. He stood still in the middle of obscurity, staring at his own pale reflection. Tears started falling unchecked as he fell on his knees to the floor and sat on his heels. Winwin sobbed woefully with both his hands covering his face, as if shamed from crying like a babe. How will he survive this? He realized how great his love for Taeyong was and how much he cherished those moments he spent with him. He wanted to blame himself for not trying to communicate how he felt. Cursed at himself for denying how much he loved and adored Taeyong. Now it was too late. He lost his love to someone else. His cries grew louder, sobs more uncontrollable. His heart was broken.
No more Taeyong taking care of him, picking him up when he felt down, no more stares that he pretended not to see, no more sharing of ice cream and no more soft lingering touches.
The gentle caress on Winwin’s hands gave him a start. The hands held his own pulling them away from his face, revealing the person he has been avoiding before him, Taeyong, who was kneeling in front of him. Winwin blinked, trying to focus through the blur of tears welling in his eyes. He must be imagining things but Taeyong looked so haggard and tired. Dark circles around his eyes, his cheeks seemed to have sunk a little and he looked pale.
“Wha-what are you doing here?” Winwin faltered.
“I followed you,” replied Taeyong. “I saw you come out of your room, so I thought I’d look to see what you were up to. I was here the whole time, in the corner over there watching you. Watching you dance.”
Winwin was speechless while he looked at Taeyong. There was a glint in Taeyong’s eyes that said loneliness and a peculiar expression on his face. Taeyong followed him here and was watching the whole time? Why? But then he realized he shouldn’t be talking to Taeyong. Speaking with him will only make matters more complicated and harder to explain. Or worse, reveal his true feelings. Winwin motioned to leave. “I... I should go.”
“Wait, Winwin please,” Taeyong pleaded, preventing Winwin from leaving by tightening his hold on Winwin’s hands. “Why are you doing this? Why are you avoiding me? You’re not eating and I know you’re not sleeping well. Yuta and Taeil told me, so you can’t deny it.”
“I’m sorry, I just have... a lot on my mind,” Winwin said, avoiding Taeyong’s eyes.
“Will you tell me about it?”
Winwin looked at Taeyong’s pleading face, his eyes seemed to express anguish in them, as well as worry. Winwin felt confused with what he saw. Anguish? Despair? Taeyong looked as if he was in misery. But then, he knew he was just being fanciful. He wanted to tell Taeyong how he felt, but how can Winwin say he loved him? How can he be a third party to an already established affair? Winwin felt very tired. He was fighting a losing battle. He decided to give up, surrender and admit defeat. Perhaps doing so will give him peace of mind and something to make him move on. He made a choice. A choice that he may very well regret, but he thought it wouldn’t matter anyway. He had nothing to lose but his pride and it was all he had left.
“I’m... I’m really sorry Taeyong,” Winwin said, lament apparent in his voice. “I wish I could tell you.”
Much to Winwin’s discomfort and surprise, Taeyong pulled him closer, letting him sit between Taeyong’s now outstretched legs and held Winwin in his arms. Winwin could do nothing but to oblige, his frailty was to blame. Winwin’s heart was beating like a jackhammer being so close to Taeyong with his shoulder resting on the latter’s chest.
“Tell me. Please share your troubles. I hate seeing you this way,” Taeyong said with his voice shaking as he wiped Winwin’s tear-stained face tenderly with his fingers. Winwin felt a deep sigh escape from his lips, weakened by Taeyong’s touch. As he thought earlier, surrender might be his absolution and his way to find peace. He braced himself and said, “I’m just...sad. No, I guess I’m happy for you and Ten. Your duet is going well and Ten will... make you very happy. He loves you and you love him, so he...”
Winwin let his words trail off when he looked at Taeyong whose face had confusion written all over it, then slowly amusement seemed to lift the corners of Taeyong’s mouth. Somehow, Winwin felt something was amiss. He felt a frown forming on his face, thoughtful of why Taeyong’s reaction was odd. But he crushed his senseless thoughts.
“Ten... you...wait...,” Taeyong said, as if realizing something in his head that only he understood. “You think Ten and I...what you saw...”
Winwin watched with frustration as Taeyong’s face started to reflect mirth, his eyes glittering with sudden elation and the corners of his mouth lifted as it broke into a smile. Taeyong was staring at Winwin and his shoulders started to shake. He seemed to be suppressing his laughter.
“Are you laughing at me now?” Winwin huffed and tried to escape from Taeyong’s tight grasp, tried to stand up, but to Winwin’s horror and surprise, Taeyong wrapped his long legs around his hips while securing an arm over Winwin’s shoulder. Then Taeyong held the side of his face forcing Winwin to look upon him. Their gazes locked, held by something powerful, their emotions both trying to surface. Winwin’s heart was hammering against his chest and held his breath as Taeyong slowly devoured every feature of Winwin’s face, a hunger seemed to manifest in his misty eyes until it settled on Winwin’s mouth. Winwin could only gasp when Taeyong inched his face close to his and touched his mouth against his parted lips.
Winwin tried to repel from the kiss but Winwin felt Taeyong's hand on the back of his head, preventing him from pulling away. Vulnerable and defenseless, Winwin could do nothing but feel Taeyong’s lips move against his own and surrender to the delightful sensation. The moist and soft lips of Taeyong entrapping his lower lip while he gently sucked on its softness and let his tongue slide sensually over it. Winwin moaned against Taeyong’s mouth. He was lost to the kiss, his heart crying out as the man he loved kissed him hungrily, as if trying to quench something insatiable. Winwin melted in Taeyong’s arms and felt himself responding to the delectable pleasure of Taeyong’s kiss, making him grab onto Taeyong’s jacket. Their breathing laborious, their soft moans interchanging as Taeyong delved his tongue into Sicheng’s mouth and met the tip of Winwin’s own, sending shivers down the latter’s spine.
After what seemed like forever, Teayong parted from Winwin’s lips to look upon his face. Their eyes locking filled with questions, boring into each other’s thoughts. Winwin was trembling, shaken by what had just occurred.
Surprisingly though, Winwin was the first to recover somewhat, to ask Taeyong, “Wha-what are...why did you..k-kiss me.”
“Because I’ve been wanting to do it for the longest time,” Taeyong said simply, caressing Winwin’s smooth cheek.
Winwin blinked, distracted by Taeyong’s touch and confused with Taeyong’s reply. “I don’t...understand.”
Taeyong caressed the side of Winwin’s neck while he studied the face of the one entrapped in his embrace. A smile slowly formed on Taeyong’s lips. “Because I’m in love with you. I have been for a long time, so long I can’t even remember when it started. I was just afraid of telling you how I feel for fear of losing you.”
Winwin froze at Taeyong’s words, his heart pounding. It can’t be true, can it? Tears rushed from Winwin’s eyes despite him trying to blink them back but failing miserably. He must be dreaming for it was too surreal, that Taeyong loved him was too dreamlike for him to accept in reality. “But... but you and Ten...”
Taeyong smiled as he wiped off Winwin’s tears while the latter thought the gloom seemed to slightly dissipate from the room. “Ten has been badgering me for months. He told me he noticed us playing cat and mouse about how we really feel. He said he was sure you and I felt something for one another and we should give it a shot, as difficult as it may seem. He said it was better to hide a relationship between us together, than him getting frustrated at watching us both suffer alone. So when you saw us, he in fact cornered me and confronted me.”
“He...did?” Winwin was all ears now, as he studied Taeyong’s glittering puppy eyes framed by his lush auburn hair and felt his heart leap. He so loved this man. “So what I saw...”
“I finally admitted to him how I fell for you, so he convinced me to profess my feelings. He was so proud of me for deciding to take the chance. He told me he was so happy for us and loved me...as a brother would,” Taeyong explained with the emphasis on the last part while he looked at Winwin, as if waiting for a reaction, desperate for a response.
Winwin stared into Taeyong’s eyes, lost for words. Could this really be happening? Wasn’t it a dream and find himself waking up here in the studio alone?
“I... am I dreaming?”
Taeyong gave a little laugh and said, “no you’re not. But am I wrong in believing that we have something here? Don’t you...feel something for me?”
Taeyong’s scrutiny of Winwin made the latter flustered, making words more difficult to come out. But Winwin noticed Taeyong looking a little tense as he swallowed nervously. Winwin felt a little tug at his heartstrings, thinking how adorable this creature was, with his big round eyes staring at him.
“I’m not sure now if I really do...love you,” Winwin tried to steel himself from smiling as he saw Taeyong’s face slowly lose color and felt him stiffen. He kept a serious face when he continued, “I'm sorry. But...maybe one more kiss can convince me.”
Taeyong blinked and suddenly it dawned on him and he smiled mischievously saying, “I can give you more than one if you still can’t decide.”
“I’d like to see you try,” Winwin said with the corners of his mouth quivering.
Taeyong took Winwin’s face in both of his hands and kissed him lightly. “Will that do?”
Winwin feigned frustration. “I don’t know, it feels too weak.”
Taeyong kissed him again, this time Winwin felt the passion and ardor that he himself felt, responding involuntarily at Taeyong’s succulent coaxing of his lips. Winwin sighed when their lips parted.
“I think you felt something there,” Taeyong said teasingly.
“Maybe. It’s hard to say ‘I love you Taeyong, so much that it hurts’ with that kind of tasteless kiss. I’ll be needing more, real kisses, not flat ones.”
Taeyong laughed and squeezed Winwin in his arms. “You’re a little minx aren’t you. Alright, I’ll give you what you want. Kisses that will make your head spin.”
“Minx?! I’m not a girl...”
“No, you’re prettier.”
Winwin blushed at Taeyong’s complement and hid his face by shoving it onto Taeyong’s shoulder. Taeyong chortled with amusement. He lifted Winwin’s chin to meet his lips and kissed him tenderly. “I love you, Dong Sicheng.”
“I love you Mr. Lee Taeyong.”
True to his word, Taeyong did give more kisses to Winwin and he couldn’t complain more.