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She could feel it. He was away from the game once again.
But this time she had a strong hunch that he would be gone for far longer than before.
Monika had to wonder why she was aware of that. She also wondered what was going on in his life for these absences to occur so frequently.
She didn’t dwell too long on it though since these situations often worked out in her favor. She could fool around as much as she wanted without any supervision.
At the moment he left he had just sat down with Yuri. They had joined two desks together to share a book that she had wanted to read with him.
It was a bit troublesome to watch. Monika didn’t like how they were sitting so close together. It was far too intimate of a scenario and stirred a restless feeing in her gut.
For now, she was going to ignore that feeling. Besides, she had a plan to intervene on their little session once he returned to the game.
Monika wandered towards the back of the room to check on one of her favorite club members. Not that there was much competition with one of them gone.
Monika held her bangs aside as she looked down at Natsuki. The girl was seated on the floor with a single volume of manga open in her hands.
It was honestly a pitiful sight, yet Monika could only sympathize with the girl.
The way things have been going so far just left her feeling lonelier than when the game began.
She had thought that by removing Sayori from the game it would readjust its programming to allow her to replace the empty path that was once her route. She hoped that maybe then he would pay a bit more attention to her as well as the others.
However, things haven’t worked out quite as she had planned. Now she was left watching events unfold once again, as his attention was diverted from her by the remaining two girls.
She didn’t quite understand entirely the reason why she wanted his attention so badly. What she did know was that he was a way to freedom. A window that led to a reality where he was free to make his own choices.
Unlike this place…
Monika looked back towards the other two, sitting close and sharing a story. She returned her gaze towards Natsuki and, after taking a deep breath to steel herself, she unfroze her.
For a few seconds it seemed like nothing had happened, but then Natsuki blinked and glanced up at her.
They stared at each in awkward silence.
Monika cursed internally when she realized she hadn’t thought of anything to talk about beforehand. Luckily, she was saved from any potential embarrassment as Natsuki spoke first.
“Did you need something, or is it time to share our poems?”
Monika was a bit caught off guard by the other girl’s tone. She seemed different from usual, like her personality was a bit off even though she still held the usual snarky attitude.
“Ah…We still have some time before sharing poems.” Monika answered, coming up with an idea. “But I was wondering. Would you mind if I joined you?”
Natsuki wore a skeptical expression at first; peering at Monika with an analytical gaze as she considered her question.
Monika had almost given in to the urge to rewind and attempt another idea, but the girl responded before she could move her hand.
“I guess you can join me, since you seem so eager.” Natsuki glanced away from her; avoiding eye contact like she always did when she got shy.
Filled with relief Monika closed the space between them in a few short steps. She lowered herself, carefully tucking her skirt beneath her as she sat on the floor beside Natsuki.
Now that she was closer she could properly see the cover of the manga. She then read the title. “Parfait Girls, huh?”
Her comment was ignored as Natsuki continued roving her eyes over the pages. She looked like she wanted to say something but was obviously trying to restrain herself. Of course, Monika wasn’t going to let her keep quiet.
“What’s it about?” She asked, making sure her tone held genuine curiosity.
At first it seemed like Natsuki was going to try ignoring her again, but after releasing a heavy sigh she turned her head to face Monika.
“It’s about four girls and their daily lives. Going to school, hanging out and dealing with every day issues.”
Monika hummed as she listened, and when Natsuki didn’t continue she decided to try prompting her again.
“I didn’t expect it to be about such mundane things. With the way the cover looked I thought it would be some sort of magical girl story.”
This seemed to be the right thing to say to rile the girl as Natsuki lowered the manga onto her lap, allowing it to close, and turned her attention towards Monika. She looked absolutely baffled at the statement.
“Don’t peg it as boring just because it isn’t a fantasy or supernatural themed story. I’ll have you know that slice of life plots can be just as interesting as any other genre.”
Monika kept herself from revealing a smirk.
“Well, maybe if you told me a bit more about it I could learn what makes it just as intriguing as any other genres.”
Natsuki averted her eyes and appeared to be contemplating whether she wanted to go through with Monika’s request.
After a long silence Natsuki closed her eyes and released a deep breath, as if preparing herself for an arduous task.
“Well, if you’re really that interested in it, I guess I can tell you a little more about it.”
Monika brought her hands together and gave Natsuki a grateful nod. “That would be great.”
Natsuki picked the manga back up and opened it, flipping through some of the pages. “Okay then. So, um, what did you want to hear about first? Maybe their school life?”
Compared to the cold attitude she had earlier Natsuki seemed to become shy all of a sudden.
Monika placed a hand under her chin as she thought. She glanced down at the manga and glanced at the contents within it.
As Natsuki was about to turn to another page Monika stopped her with a gentle touch on her shoulder.
“What are they doing here?” Monika said as she reached across to point at a panel on the left page. “Looks like they’re getting ready to cook something.”
Natsuki was somewhat startled by her proximity but seemed to immediately perk up at Monika’s comment. She raised the manga up a bit more and leaned it towards Monika so that she could see the pages better.
“Actually, they’re about to bake something.” Natsuki informed her.
“I guess it is called ‘Parfait Girls’ for a reason.” Monika said with a chuckle.
“Well, yeah.” Natsuki shared her smile as she continued.
“Despite it not being a novel, it has some really detailed panels where the characters talk about the recipes they’re preparing for. It goes into specifics by describing certain processes and what should be done at each step. It’s honestly really neat how in depth the writer gets with those parts. Like, in one of the chapters Minori—”
Natsuki spoke excitedly as she recounted a scene from the manga. When she mentioned a character, she would flip through the pages to point them out so Monika would have a proper visual of them.
Monika listened dutifully and pitched in a comment whenever necessary. She observed Natsuki as her eyes lit up at certain points. A smile was on her face the entire time she spoke and Monika found herself hoping it wouldn’t go away.
After several minutes; Natsuki finally done with her tirade, they both sat in silence.
It wasn’t an awkward silence like the other times. It felt more like the two were just trying to reorganize their thoughts after such a lengthy discussion. Trying to figure out what else to say or elaborate on.
As Monika turned to Natsuki; prepared to ask her another question about manga, her words caught in her throat.
Natsuki was staring wistfully towards the front of the classroom. When Monika followed her line of sight she found the other two club members sitting together.
Monika felt a surge of— irritation? Frustration? She wasn’t entirely sure right now, but she knew one thing for certain. She didn’t like seeing such a sad expression on Natsuki’s face. Especially not after the fun they were just having.
She decided to take a careful approach, tapping Natsuki’s arm to get her attention.
“Hey. Is everything alright?”
Natsuki glanced over at her with a surprised look in her eyes, but it vanished quickly as she settled into a neutral expression. She opened her mouth and it seemed like she was about to brush off Monika’s concern but instead she closed it again, remaining silent.
She shook her head a little before trying to speak again.
“It’s nothing, really. Just zoning out. Nothing to be worried about.” Natsuki said this with a smile, but the feeling behind it wasn’t convincing Monika to drop the subject.
Monika crossed her arms and gave Natsuki a stern look.
“Now, as president of the Literature Club it’s my duty to help my fellow club members when they seem to be in any trouble.” Monika said confidently. Meanwhile Natsuki was looking down at her manga, fiddling with the corner of a page as Monika continued. “And as a friend, I just want to hear what’s wrong and help you out.”
Natsuki’s motions froze after hearing the last statement. She turned to face her again, and Monika was pleased to note the hint of a blush on her face.
Natsuki’s shy demeanor returned as she avoided eye contact for a while; trying to gather her thoughts.
“I guess I feel a little disappointed?” She began slowly. “I don’t know. It’s just— We promised to continue reading from where we left off, but instead...” Natsuki glanced up for a moment before dropping her head back down. “I’m on my own…”
There was no question as to who it was she was talking about. Monika remembered interrupting their reading session the other day when it came time to share their poems.
“I know it’s not like we promised or anything, but I was hoping we would get to talk more about manga. It’s hard not having anyone to really talk to about it.” Natsuki’s tone was melancholic as she spoke. “Maybe it’s a little bit childish, but I feel kind of left out.”
Monika understood exactly what it was that Natsuki was trying to get at. After all, it was a reason why she started making tweaks to the programming to lean toward her favor. It was a reason why Sayori was gone.
“Maybe I’m a little bit childish too.”
Monika’s quiet words made Natsuki look at her with surprise and some confusion. Monika returned her shocked expression with a small smile before looking down at her hands resting on her lap.
“Lately it feels like I’ve been set on a pedestal, but I didn’t put myself there. Everybody thinks so highly of me, and I’m flattered by their positive regards, but sometimes when you’re put up so high they forget to take you back down.”
Monika glanced up to find Natsuki listening intently to what she was saying, and she felt a warm feeling inside herself.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is, well, I just want to stay down at everyone else’s level. I never asked to be held with such high regard. I just want to enjoy learning as many things as I can while I can, or at least the things I find interesting.”
A brief calm floats between them, and it feels like some of the weight that’s been burying her has lifted. She never realized how suffocated she had been until this moment. It was truly a breath of relief to vent some of her turmoil, even if it was only scratching the surface of truth.
Natsuki set aside her manga, not even bothering a glance towards it to memorize what page they were on.
“I kind of feel bad now.” She began sheepishly. Monika was about to protest but stopped as Natsuki shook her head. “No. You don’t have to say it. I know that’s not what you intended by telling me all of that.”
Natsuki shifted, bringing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them as she continued.
“I just feel like a hypocrite, since I don’t want people judging me based on first impressions or the things I’m interested in. But I’ve been pretty rude to you when you’ve done nothing wrong.”
Natsuki then chuckled, laying her head on her knees as she looked over at Monika.
“I guess I just have a bit of a problem towards authoritative figures. My dad can be really bossy, and sometimes I want to talk back to him, but he’s my dad so it’s not that easy. And, well, you’re not him but I guess somehow I used you as a scapegoat for those frustrations.”
Monika watched the other girl with awe, causing Natsuki to avert her eyes.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is…well…” Natsuki’s shyness had managed to catch up with her as she lifted her head and buried her face in her hands with flustered sigh. “I’m sorry about the things I said or did that may have hurt you.”
Monika felt that warmth inside of her again, except this time she let it swell into her chest and rise to her throat.
She was at a loss for words, so all she could manage was a hum of acknowledgement. It was like all of the happy thoughts, all of the warm feelings she wanted to share had become trapped in her throat.
While she struggled with her emotions Natsuki continued on.
“It’s so weird opening up to someone like this, especially you of all people. No offense.” Natsuki smiled at her and Monika returned it with one of her own.
“I mean, with the way I am right now, I’m kind of a mess.” Natsuki looked toward the floor and wore a forlorn expression on her face. “I can’t make friends properly, and when I do I can’t even be myself around them because of what they’ll say. I can’t share my love of manga or else they’ll say I’m a kid, but I can never bring myself to stop reading manga either. Like, am I even worth it to keep trying to please others?”
Natsuki looked as if she was ready to cry but Monika wasn’t about to let that happen.
Now that she was able to swallow the feelings blocking her voice she found the words she had been searching for.
“You’re worth it.” She said, gaining some of Natsuki’s attention. “Even though sometimes you feel like you aren’t.”
Monika placed a hand over one of Natsuki’s own as she kept on.
“I want you to know that whatever anybody says about you doesn’t matter. They’re not you, and they’ll never be able to know you the way you know yourself.”
At this point Natsuki was facing Monika, who had an earnestness in her eyes as she spoke.
“It’s not just your hobbies or interests that define you. It’s not even your parents’ or society’s choice to say who you are. You are not just an existence waiting to be labelled by someone else’s standards. You’re more than that. I want you to never forget how important you are. Just being here, in the Literature Club, is a statement of your strength. It may seem like everyone’s out to get you, but we’re here and we won’t keep you from being you.”
After Monika finished her discourse Natsuki sat up a little straighter, closing her eyes and taking in a deep and quiet breath before releasing it slowly.
“Oh, geez.” She said as she looked over to Monika. “You’re going to make me get all mushy over here.” Natsuki laughed as she rubbed a hand over one eye.
Monika laughed along with her, and she was grateful for the fact that Natsuki seemed to be feeling better.
“Oh, hey. Not that I’m super stoked for it, but isn’t about time to start sharing our poems?” Natsuki asked, trying to glance at a clock near the front of the room.
Monika shook her head and waved a hand dismissively, pulling Natsuki’s attention back towards her. “It’s okay. I think we can afford to take a bit more time to continue reading.”
“If you say so, miss club president.” Natsuki said in a teasing manner.
Monika smiled and the two easily settled back into comfortable positions before picking up from where they left off.
Monika was leaning close to Natsuki’s shoulder, while the other girl sat with her legs crossed. Natsuki had propped her other arm against her leg, resting her chin in her hand as she read.
Monika was finishing the first page when she was interrupted by Natsuki’s voice.
“Thanks…for letting me keep my manga in the club.” Natsuki said quietly.
Monika smiled at the simple gesture of gratitude, and for a moment she forgot about the idea of programs and the existence of other realities.