Chapter Text
I just talked to Rika on the messenger... now it was just us. My only wish was for everyone to find happiness... but it seems she's choosing a different path.
"I think I understand you now, V..." I say out loud hoping his sleep-induced body would hear me. My heart tightens to see him suffering as much as this for the past 10 days. I shut my eyes to contain the tears I've been holding for so long now, and turn my back to his bed.
Another night is about to start as I watch the sunset through the hospital window... V's room is so quiet. Jumin and Seven left earlier, and now I'm the only one keeping him company... I stare at the glass as the darkness outside deepens, leaving room for my reflex to appear in front of me.
I look so tired... I can't even remember how my life was like before joining the RFA only 10 days ago. It feels like an eternity, and I can only recall... suffer--
The phone I hold with both my hands starts vibrating and I look at it to see the caller's id:
Ray..?
Even though I want V to wake up soon, I also wouldn't want to disturb his rest... he deserves it more than anyone else. I leave the room to take the call.
"Ray?" I say it in a surprised tone as I close the door behind me.
"Thank God... It's working. The weather's so nice today... so I wanted to talk to you."
I walked towards the nearest window to not miss the sun leaving... and yes. The weather is very nice today. But how does his voice in my ear sound even nicer? Like the perfect match for this scenario...
"Ray... you sound calm."
"Do I? I have something very important to tell you today... Perhaps that's why. I didn't even realize it."
He's talking as if grasping for air... and my heart becomes tight once again.
"But I feel so nervous... to say it..."
His breathing is getting unstable... as is mine.
"Uh... listen, I... to be honest..."
I place my free hand on my chest and... why is my heart beating so fast right now??
"MC, when you were in that room... those days were the happiest moments in my life. That's... the only memory that sparkles so pure with not a spot of betrayal."
Betrayal? Why is my heartbeat increasing to the point of getting painful after he said this word?
"That moment is the shiniest moment in me... I will never forget how you trusted and waited for me... All those times, your voice..."
I wanted to say something... I opened my mouth, but I couldn't think of anything as my whole body ached. He senses my silence.
"... I really wanted to tell you that."
"Ray..." His name comes out as whisper.
"I miss you so much.... I said this a lot of times, didn't I? I miss you so much, so these words would just come out when I open my mouth... But in the end, we couldn't see each other..."
The sun is almost completely gone now, and my whole body is shaking... why??
"The last time we met... was when I introduced my savior to you, wasn't it? It's been only a few days since that happened... but it feels like years have passed.... Now I'll never get to see you, will I? It's all my fault... I've done wrong."
Done... wrong?
"I dreamed of living happily ever after at that place... I thought that day will come if I work a little harder... But it seems I didn't even deserve that dream. Though it was very brief, I even imagined going on a date with somebody I love... Hold hands so tenderly, give warm hugs, and make lovely kisses... Something like that..."
What's...? As he tells me these words, I can perfectly imagine them... so lively...
"They're dreams too big for me, right? You... were too good for me. You were a person... too good for me."
No... his voice is trembling and he starts whispering.
"Thank you for staying with me, though very briefly. I wanted to see you... for the last time... I think now I even made you hear how pathetic I am. But still... thank you for bearing with me all this time, MC..."
No... NO! This can't be a goodbye!
"Ray, please...! WAIT!" I scream at my phone with the little force I still have in me.
"I won't ask you to please remember me... It doesn't matter if you forget about me... I want you to be happy no matter what..."
I can clearly hear his sobs through his words... and what is it... that I can't remember??
"You need to be happy... You must, MC... My first and last love--"
"RAY!!!" I took a step forward, as if getting close to the window meant reaching out to him.
I quickly look at my phone and I'm back at the home screen. I keep my eyes on it, hoping he would call me back... I'm too terrified to move even a single inch.
The screen turns black and I see my reflection. The desperation on my face confuses me even more... I fall to my knees as the sky outside is fully dark. I can feel it. The pain in my chest... what is it?
I know I never wished any harm to befall on Ray... but this is beyond everything I thought I knew about my feelings.
I try to call him back and he doesn't pick up... Is it all my imagination? Did I get carried away because of his emotions? But why does it feel like it's been here before? This pain in my heart....
"Hey, Miss... you can't stay on the floor--"
The nurse that's been assisting us since yesterday runs towards me... I try to look at her but she's blurred and my eyes hurt.
"Oh dear... are you okay? Would you like me to--"
"No it's.. it's... I'm fine, I just.."
I try to stand up and I'm glad she's here, or I would have fallen right back to the ground.
She calls for help and a security guard holds me while she goes after a wheelchair. She soon takes me to the nearest vacant room, and I can't pay attention to which is it... Jumin secured the whole floor, so V could--
"V! How is... how is V?"
"He is still resting... and you need it too, Miss. Mister Han asked me to take care of you... I'm sorry you've been through all of this. V's situation is stable, he'll soon wake up. You don't have to cry..."
"No, no... I need to--" Wait. Did she just say I'm crying...?
"You've been so brave... I'm sure you wouldn't want V to see you crying for him when he wakes up. Don't worry, the security will take care of it if anything happens."
I touch my face and it's all puffy... when did I..? Ray... I think of him, and everything turns black as the night's sky.
I wake up around two hours later from one of the nicest dreams I've had... but I can't recall any of what happened on it.
I look around and the security guard that brought me here still stands next to the door. I want to get up and see V, but my body doesn't move...
My phone vibrates and I see there's a chatroom opened. Jumin's online. I need to thank him for providing us all of this.
He worries about me, and I reassure him that I'm taking care of myself... or more like his staff is, but he doesn't need to be aware of that. I know how much he worries about me...
And all the other RFA members just as much, of course! What was that thought...? I shake off this doubt and continue paying attention to Jumin's words. As he tells me the news from the Mint Eye and updates me on our situation, Rika logs in.
It was an intense conversation, and when it's over I'm finally able to breath normally again. Jumin calls me and I try to show in my voice that I'm at my best shape. He has more than enough to worry about and I'm sure the interaction with Rika was hard on him.
Just before he ended the call, the same nurse that helped me earlier entered the room. I thanked her again and again, then asked her if she could help me see V.
"Of course I could help you... but you still need to rest a little--"
"I'm much better already... Please, I won't be able to rest any more than this if I don't see him. I promise I'll stay still--"
"...but V isn't awake yet."
"I don't mind... I can rest in that reclining chair by his side. Please..."
I can feel my body is almost completely out of energy, but seeing V was the only thing that helped me control the sense of guilt I've been feeling lately... So many bad things happened to him, I don't have the right to stay here and rest peacefully... survivor's guilt be damned, I know I have a part on this situation, but I just can't really recall it from my memories.
The kind nurse helped me and I felt a lot better when I saw him breathing well and steady. He's alright, considering everything... and I'm so glad.
I sit beside his bed and try to focus on his chest moving up and down... within the next 10 minutes I fall asleep again.
I take a nap for over an hour, and the sky outside is even darker. I try to keep my thoughts away from the events that took place so far. I keep staring at V and try to focus on the best case scenarios, and I imagine everyone the happiest once we reach the end of this war against Mint Eye. Everyone, including Rika and Ray...
Ray.... what have you done to me?
V's hand moves and my mind leaves the question behind. I pull the chair closer to the bed and hold his hand close to my face.
"Please... wake up, V"
I'll spend the next hours in this exact same position. Waiting...
It was almost 10 pm when my phone gets my attention. Jaehee is online. Without taking one of my hands off V's, I enter the chatroom.
We start talking about the hacker... Seven enters the chatroom. I do worry about him, but I can't hide my uneasiness about the hacker's status. I feel my eyes watering this time, and everything hurts again. I hate seeing them against each other... I hated before, because I knew from the start that Ray didn't deserve it. But now it hurts... what's this unfamiliar pain that I know so well?
Ray enters the chatroom and I immediately let go of V's hand. Like it was wrong to be by his side...
With both my hands shaking, I manage to type everything correctly after taking long and deep breaths.
Ray?
Thank god...
You haven't left yet...
MC...
...the screen is blurry
because my eyes are bleary from tears.
I miss you so much...
MC...
I wish...
I could go back to time
when I first met you...
I try to control my own tears as well. I cannot miss this opportunity... I need to talk to him... talk him out of this...
...and
My savior...
if you don't come back
our paradise.....
won't exist anymore in this world... will it?
I shall carry on
your last wishes.
Thank you for saving me.
Though it was very brief, I was happy at your paradise...
Last... wishes? Come back? Where is Rika...??
and MC...
my MC...
Ray, it's all over now...
it is...
I'll miss you a lot.
Well then...
Goodbye. For real.
MC...
Unknown has left the chatroom.
I stare at my phone once again. He's leaving me once again... No.... I wanted to tell him it was over, and that he could stay with me and the RFA... but my fingers were shaking too much... and I couldn't... I just...
I'm a crying mess and I'm aware of it this time...
This is stupid! My sobs won't bring Ray back to me!
My phone slips from my hand and hits the floor. I look down and my tears are wetting all my skirt. Then I look up. And I see V still sleeping smoothly.
"V... I cannot make you happy"
My head hurts from crying so much. And I just want to get up and run away from all the troubles... but I have nowhere else to go.
The realization hits me. Without hesitating, I start drying my face... I cannot be like this. I take his hand with mine, and with regret I beg for his forgiveness...
"I'm sorry, V... I won't give up on the RFA. I'm sorry... Please, wake up..."
I don't know if it was how I held his hand.. or if he heard my prayer... but I swear I heard V making a sound... his hand moved... it's squeezing mine very lightly!
"V...! Can you hear me?"
"MC...? Where am..."
His voice is so low, but the silence in the room allows me to hear him.
"We were... at the mount--"
He shakes in agony... it hurts me so much to see him like this.
"We are at the hospital! Are you okay?"
It was a dumb question, but I didn't know how to control my tongue under the sudden rush of happiness that hit me.
"Ah... Hospital... I don't know... I don't remember what happened..."
V closes his eyes...
"You were hurt, V... You were stabbed..."
I know he remembers... I just can't push him...
"Ah... But MC, you're not hurt, are you?"
A sad smile finds its way onto my face... I could never hurt him. I couldn't tell him that my whole body was under a turmoil caused by my own feelings... though I know my face is probably showing it after so many tears... but V is kind and pretends not to see it. He knows I'm suffering... but neither of us knew why.
"Ha... you look fine. That's a relief... If we are in the hospital, Rika... isn't casing us?"
"No, she's not. Let's slowly assess the situation." I say trying to hide my desperation. I wish I knew her status too...
"Ha... Thank god. Luciel did a good job taking care of it. Are we in contact with the other members...?"
"Yes, Jumin and Seven said they would take care of the Mint Eye"
That was the only answer to avoid him to worry and try to do everything by himself again.
"I see. If we're in contact with the others, that means you're safe as well... Thank heavens. I think I can let go some of my guilt now."
I massage his hand in order to reassure him that he shouldn't feel like this, despite having said so many times before. He looks away from me.
"About Rika..."
Before he continues, I interrupt him.
"Let's talk about her later..."
"... Alright. I hope I'm not dreaming... I hope I'm not in a dream... as I'm sitting and talking to you face-to-face. I wanted to see you in a safe place. That's what I've been desperately praying for the past few days. It'd be okay to let go of my thought on Rika for now, for just a little, wouldn't it?"
"Yes, it is... I was so worried something might happen to you."
I cannot hide how guilty I feel as well... He closed his eyes, embarrassed.
"I'm sorry for making you worry... and go through all of this again..."
Again...? I probably shows the question on my face, and V avoids my eyes.
"If you're safe... if you're under the RFA's protection from now on... then my goal has been accomplished. I've... been asleep for long, haven't I?"
"I was worried. But it's okay since you're awake now..." Not one of my hopeless feelings earlier that day made me think this moment right now wasn't worth the wait. He tries to put on a smile before talking again.
"Yes... I also feel relieved, seeing you safe and sound."
I understand V more than I thought... a short silence fills the room before he continues. Not once I let go of his hand.
"I dreamt of my mother while I was asleep. I didn't have much chance to talk to her when she was alive... Now that I think about it... she always gave the look as if she had something to say to me."
"What kind of words did your mother say in your dream?"
I was curious... I believe V's mother was responsible for making him the wonderful person he was now.
"..." He closed his eyes again... I felt how difficult it was for him to open up about her...
"That's... I can't tell you right now. Not now. You've heard so many things. From me, from Rika... So for now... please let me take a break. I'll tell you, MC, when I'm able to carry out my mother's words. But instead... I'll tell you one thing. I really want to love again someday, MC..."
I was so happy to hear that... V deserves all that's good in this world.
"I don't know if I can, but if I'm given the chance... I want to love again. Maybe it's beacause I've survived death, or maybe it's because of seeing my mother in my dreams... I now have the courage. The courage to become and voice the real me... Not as the head of RFA, photographer V, Jumin's friend, or Rika's lover... But as the real me. I... I want to find the real me. Now I really want to let go of Rika. And.. I want to let go of my past as well."
My face certainly displayed the happiest smile... I'm so glad I could help him..
"I also hope... though my head keeps telling me I don't deserve it... That I want to get help from everyone. I know it's a nuisance... but I want to ask for help.. And I want my heart to heal. I want to live a different life...! As the real Jihyun Kim... I want to live however I like. Not the life for father or of art... but my life. Can I... do that?"
"Sure, V. I'll be rooting for you." With my free hand, I shed a single tear of joy that insisted in leaving my eye. V tightened the hold on my hand.
"Thank you, MC... thank you. Um... When I learn who I really am... then.."
He's.. hesitating? I frowned. V looks me in the eyes. He's calm and nervous at the same time.
"N-no, it's nothing. Thank you for staying by my side until I woke up. MC, I... really admire you. And... I... I always thought... you shine so beautifully..."
I look away from V without knowing how to respond. I'm happy he sees me this way... yet it still feels wrong.
But why?? I search in my head and nothing but Ray's face answers this question...