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Waiting was agonizing. You have been waiting too long and it hurt too much to stand sometimes. You nearly lost count on how long you waited, but you didn't forget, because you couldn't. You had been waiting for around four years; four years of blurry memories and four years of agony. You never forgot the reason of this self inflicted pain.
Diana Cavendish.
You had been waiting on the girl you helplessly crushed on and had a fling with for four. Whole. Years.
You would get the same questions from your friends from your old school, but the most asked one was: “Why not move on?” added with “It was just a fling” for the more uncourteous students
The simple answer?
Because you couldn't move on.
Diana just seemed to stick there at the end of the day. The memories of your bickering and your tutoring would always come up.
Its her you will always think about early in the morning when she’s not beside you. It’s her you will think about when eating breakfast, remembering the times when she was right across from you, throwing uncaring jabs at your inability to do normal school work but then softening the blow by giving a slight grin and complimenting your small works of success.
In your many attempts to move on, you had tried seeing other women, drinking and just sleeping it off.
None would ever work.
A girl that was so perfect in everything she did just had that impression on you; on everyone. What made things worse was one of the only reasons you kept remembering her was your little.. “Tryst” with the young Cavendish. You still had the annoying sense of pride in your chest that you were the Diana Cavendish’s first. That's right. You were the first girl to ever have sex with the prodigy of Luna Nova and that felt fan-fucking-tastic.
It was a stupid pride that, back then, made you wanted to actually tell people about your one night stand and point to the hickeys on your neck and happily say that Diana had been there. Tell them that you, Atsuko Kagari had won over the prodigy, the teacher’s pet, the goddess of Luna Nova, Diana Cavendish.
...But you didn't.
You didn't shout from the rooftops that you had just had sex for multiple reasons. One was because you weren't an asshole to ruin your crush’s reputation. Another was because you had no courage whatsoever to tell anyone besides maybe Lotte and maybe whisper it to Sucy so she didn't quite hear what you said.
But sometimes.. Your focus was on the one night stand you had with Diana. Sometimes it was on times she was kind, like the times she mentored to tutor you in math and well.. Everything else. Sure, she was harsh with her study methods but she would always reward you with a “Good job, Atsuko” or a pat on the back. Those little things were enough to give you a small crush that expanded everytime she was not a complete prick to you.
Another one of the things she would do to make you feel like you do was her smile and her stupid compliments that aren't stupid at all. The occasional “Good job” and amused “You’re getting better” was always a treat for you.
“A-Akko..” You heard your name being called with a hint of worry being placed behind it. You knew that voice but didn't turn to see her.
“..Akko.” A much more annoyed voice came from your other side. “Jesus..” Even though you heard the voices, you were still just sitting there. You were suddenly flicked on the nose, causing you to snap out of your daze. It didn't hurt, It just shocked you. You flinched a bit, moving your head side to side, seeing that Lotte and Sucy were there beside you.
“Sucy!” Lotte seemed to scold, leaning forward to look at her friend with a soft glare before looking back at you. “Are you…” She seemed to hesitate. “Okay?” she finished.
You rubbed at your nose and nodded with a laugh. “Totally!” You faked your normal enthusiasm the same way you had been doing for a while now.
“You’re totally not fine.” Sucy spoke up before pointing at your face. “You’re crying again.” It was actually sad how Sucy had to say the word ‘again’ referring to her crying. Despite her annoyance, the purple haired female was actually pretty concerned by the look on her face.
You then realize the wetness on your face, quickly wiping your face with your sleeve. Ugh. Random dazes that lead to you thinking about your stupid fling and crush.
You were kind of lucky that Amanda wasn't here. Actually, you were really lucky Amanda wasn't here. If she saw you crying and knew the reason? Well lets just say it’d be a mix of chaos and furious ranting. Amanda was not fond of the prodigy you just so happened to sleep with. Sucy was bad enough, disliking her to a point where she wanted to pull a Heathers styled move and mix some unknown substances into a drink and.. Yea. Your friends were a bit protective.
“Haha- Stupid dust” You tried to play it off with the old ‘dust in the eye’ trick but Lotte and Sucy were obviously not convinced. Lotte was more sympathetic while Sucy held a steady rage in her gaze while her face seemed uncaring. This is why you don't exactly look Sucy in the eyes anymore.
“I know where Diana live-”
“Sucy! You’re not going to poison anyone!” Lotte groaned as if she’d said this a lot because she totally has. Sucy had a fascination with poisons, how to poison people, how to make her own poison from mushrooms, how to get away with murder, etc. Lotte and yourself were kind of the only reason she hadn’t ended up in prison or a mental ward.
“I can call Amanda and make her--”
“No one is poisoning Diana.” You spoke up suddenly instead of Lotte, surprising the two girls slightly. “Trust me.. Im over her.” You try and flash your most convincing you like grin; a grin that was full of life unlike how you felt.
“You’re a terrible liar. Ever since you had sex with Cavendish and she stopped talking to you, you’ve never been the same” Sucy’s tone held a bite to it. She was starting to lose her uncaring facade. It was fading into clear annoyance and anger. “Not to sound like a complete ass or anything, but she used you. I can't forgive that shit” You and Lotte looked a bit surprised at the bitterness in her tone. Ever since Luna Nova, Sucy had been pretty tame besides the whole poison and destruction thing. Neither of you had seen Sucy get angry like this.
“All throughout our junior year after that whole “situation”, Diana wouldn't even /look/ at you on purpose. She stopped sitting with us. She looked so damn high and mighty I just wanted to skip the poison and go in with a-” Sucy gritted her teeth and stopped. “And yet.. You still loved her.” She spoke with a soft growl, her pale red eyes staring at the pavement. “You’re both fools to me and yet I still stick around you.” Sucy grumbled before raising a hand to her head, holding it lightly. “You give me a migraine, Atsuko Kagari.”
You and Lotte were still a bit shocked by the outburst but both of you were slowly calming down. It wasn't a surprise that Sucy had a soft spot for her two best friends but for her to actually snap like that? It was unusual.
It took a while for anyone to speak but Lotte was the one to break the silence.
“..She’s right, y’know..?” Lotte spoke hesitantly. “You can tell us anything.. You don't have to keep this to yourself. You know this!” The ginger gripped lightly at her clothing. “Diana was and is being a complete… Complete..”
“Asshole, prick, a useless bimbo, little shit, huge shit, a cu-”
“All of those work” She interrupted Sucy’s insults before continuing. “She betrayed you so she betrayed us.” She grabbed at your hand gently, looking you in the eye. “You have us, remember? She isn't relevant anymore.” Lotte attempted to grin.
You knew Lotte was trying to help more gently than Sucy did but it wasn't exactly helping. You wouldn't tell them that, so you just gave another grin.
“I know she isnt.” was what you said, but she felt relevant enough to stick with you for four years. Most people would’ve gotten angry at your friends’ statements, but not you. You knew they were trying to help and knew that they cared.
It wasn't their fault that you were stupid and naive enough to fall in love with a girl that was out of your league. It was entirely yours. A rich girl with high up best friends and brains that did perfect in class, with you, a middle class transfer student that was terrible classes and had no place at being at a prestigious academy such as Luna Nova? Hah. Fat chance.
Now that you thought on this, you felt your heart ache. You slowly stood to your feet, looking a bit hurt but then changed your attitude. “C’mon! Lets get some stuff done and go home.” You three were sitting on a bench in the park, openly talking about murder and betrayal. Geez, no wonder everyone was looking at you weird.
As the day went on, you didnt speak on the topic. Sucy tried a couple of times while Lotte shut her up with a light nudge or a glare, but that was all. You couldn't burden your friends with your stupid problems. No one could say they weren't stupid, because they totally were.
The rest of the day went on like you were on autopilot. You acted normally enough where no one questioned you and you went home, ate dinner normally and went to your room normally and flopped on the bed quite as normal.
Once you were in the safety of your room, you just stared at the ceiling. It was pitiful how you looked. You used to be so full of life and wonder and now… you were hurt; heartbroken. Where was your old self? Where did she run off to? Those thoughts just seemed to cause you to think more. Will your old, cheerful self ever come back? Will you ever be happy like before? These thoughts slowly make you laugh. Your laugh wasn't happy or sad, just bitter; Bitter and hurt.
You, Atsuko Kagari, laughed for quite some time, eventually letting your hurt show on your face.
You, Atsuko Kagari, were laughing so bitterly for you were stupid. Stupid and ignorant.
You were laughing because you loved Diana as much as you despised her.