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John Shepard felt like he was dying as he laid on the decaying floor of the Citadel. Blood, his blood, was seeping out onto the floor and the pain was unbearable, but it was all worth it to him. He had managed to destroy the Reapers and save everyone he cared about and then some.
Memories flashed by in his mind as his life was being drained away. Memories of his battles, his friends, Kaidan. Yes, Kaidan. There was a memory of him that played more often than the others and it was about a very special night.
Shepard remembered Kaidan standing on a balcony overlooking the presidium during the Citadel’s night cycle; the lights of passing vehicles like sparkling stars in the distance. Kaidan had an intense expression on his face as he was lost in thought about about the reapers and what they had to do to defeat them.
“You know your face will freeze that way if you keep making that face,” Shepard commented as he came over. He was trying to lighten the mood and he actually succeeded as Kaidan’s face relaxed and cracked a small smile. God that smile was like sunshine, Shepard thought to himself as he took a place next to Kaidan.
“Hello Shepard,” Kaidan said to him as he leaned against the rail, giving his full attention to the commander, “What’s going on?”
“I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright. You seemed pretty tense and I was just worried about you.”
“Well that's very kind of you Shepard,” Kaidan told him with a soft smile, but he paused and noticed that Shepard was also a little tense, “Is there something on your mind?”
Shepard sighed and leaned his arms against the railing and looked out at the vehicles passing by. “Well, there is someone that I like and I’m worried about their involvement with me. Especially with all this reaper and Cerberus crap.”
Kaidan looked at him with a concerned expression before he relaxed and chuckled. “If they are willing to stay by your side then they are strong enough to endure anything that happens,” he said with a large smile on his face.
“Oh, I’m sure you are.”
“What?”
There was a silence as Shepard realized what he said; a deep red blush covered his face.
“John,” Kaidan said softly as he leaned in, “Do you like me?” He had a playful smirk on his face.
‘Yes,’ Shepard thought, but couldn’t bring himself to say it. Usually Shepard was able to say what was on his mind but not this time; he felt nervous and unsure. Shepard did want to give any kind of false hope for a future that they might not even have due to the reapers.
Shepard let out a laugh, “Thats a good one Kaidan!” He then turned his heel and walked away at a brisk pace and left Kaidan confused.
A wave of pain brought Shepard back to the present and it dawned on him. A regret. He should have told Kaidan how he felt that night. He should have held him, kissed him, and told him how much he cared and trusted him; but he didn’t. Now as he lay dying, he never will.
Tears streamed down his face and he reached out into the darkness. “Kaidan,” he called, his voice weak and barely above a whisper, yet he called and reached till the world began to fade.
It felt like an eternity, until Shepard felt someone grab his hand. The quiet that surrounded him has been fill with what seemed like a billion voices all talking at once. All of the voices were saying his name but there was a distinct voice that he could hear that called out to him over and over again.
A figure came into view but Shepard couldn’t tell who it was through his blurred vision. “Shepard!” the figure called out, “I found him! He's alive!” The figure started to pick Shepard up but he tried to protest.
“Kaidan,” Shepard mumbled,” I need…”
“Its ok, John. It's over now. I got you.”
The voice that spoke was so soothing Shepard relaxed in the figure’s arms. “I need to tell Kaidan..” Shepard started but the figure stopped him.
“I’m sure anything you need to say can wait,” the figure said as it came into view. It was Kaidan and from Shepard’s point of view, he was surrounded by an aura of white light. He looked like an angel in the darkness and for a brief moment Shepard felt at peace before blacking out.
In all honesty, Shepard didn’t think he would wake up, but when his eyes opened he was greeted by the dimly lit ceiling of the Normandy Medbay.
“You’re awake!” came the pleasant voice of Dr. Chakwas who sat at her desk nearby, “You have been in a mild coma for quite some time. We nearly lost you.” The expression on her face was soft with a certain kind of sadness. “All of us were so afraid of losing you. It was like the collector attack all over again. Only this time we were all there to witness it, “she paused and looked at a half empty glass of brandy that she held in her hand, “Shepard...all of us are glad you survived.”
She gave him a crooked smile, “Especially Kaidan. Poor boy hasn’t left your side since he found you beaten and broken on the flood of citadel.” She nodded her head over to Shepard’s side where Kaidan was currently slept, curled up against Shepard’s thigh. He glanced down at Kaidan and felt his heart skip a beat, but so did his heart monitor.
A loud beeping went off and both Dr. Chakwas and Kaidan stood up in a panic. Within moments the beeping went off and everything calmed down but Shepard had to keep his composure and not laugh.
Kaidan sighed and relaxed back into his chair as Dr. Chawkas downed the rest of her brandy. “You almost gave an old woman a heart attack! I need more booze if I have to keep dealing with you.” She glanced at Shepard and gave a quick glance at Kaidan and a wink before walking out of the medbay.
Kaidan looked at Shepard with a smile, “I’m glad you’re ok. You went through a lot.” Shepard could tell Kaidan has been through a lot too. He had large bags under his eyes and a good amount of stubble on his chin.
Their eyes then met and Shepard saw that Kaidan began to tear up. “I thought,” He started as he choked back a sob, “I thought we lost you.” He clenched his fists and stared down into his lap.
Shepard stared for a moment, unsure of what to do. He should comfort him, right? Of Course! But how? A hand on the cheek? Wipe away his tears? Tell him how much he cared?
Shepard looked down at his hands and fiddled with his fingers. “You know how they say you see your life flash before your eyes when your dying?” he asked, “Well, that’s entirely true. For me I was shown my greatest regret.”
Kaidan stared intently at him, going as far as to lean in close to hear what he had to say.
“I saw a memory of that night on the citadel. You were leaning against the railing looking out and the lighting made you look so beautiful. I told you that I liked someone, blurted out something, and ran away like a coward,” Shepard paused to collect his thoughts and Kaidan could feel his heart beating in his chest, “Every moment since then I realized how much I regret not telling you how I felt. I remember I was calling your name and I felt such dread that that I was going to die without telling you.”
Shepard turned to Kaidan and looked deep into his eyes, “Kaidan. I love you. I trust you and I want to hold you, kiss you, and just…..I love you so much.”
Kaidan sat in silence, tears streaming down his cheeks. He wanted to speak; wanted to tell Shepard that he loved him back in as much detail as possible but words escaped him. So, instead, he launched himself forward and pressed lips against Shepard’s.
Shepard groaned in pain from the suddenness of Kaidan’s weight against his body but refused to let him go. He wrapped his arms around the man and lifted him into his lap. The world fell away around them and it was just the two.
Until they heard someone clear their throat; breaking the moment. Both men looked at the door and saw their friends standing there. Some looking happy, others looking smug, and a few looking embarrassed.
“I so called that,” Joker commented.