Chapter Text
Souls are finicky things; each filled with a unique essence, but always adapting to truly reflect the person to hold it. However a soul is never born in a complete form, and is always searching for its pair – the other half to complete it. Sometimes, a soul may need more than just another, and may fester with the task of searching for two, three or even more harmonious souls. Each soul had a way of finding each other, a distinct means of connection that made it inevitable that they would meet.
Whether it be in the hands of Fate, or by coincidence… souls are always chasing, and will never settle until they meet.
However, Oikawa Tooru was an exception to this theory.
At the prime age of twenty-two, one would’ve hoped to have met their soulmate already. Most pairings met in high-school or early in college after all. Unfortunately for Tooru, this wasn’t the case. In his mind, it probably never would be. Being a hopeless romantic didn’t quite help his soulmate-less predicament either. Every day he would go to the local park, and make a wish at the fountain. Every day – with a ¥10 coin in hand – he would wish for a soulmate.
Of course, many would think the better option was to visit the shrine and make a wish there. But this wasn’t about asking for good fortune, or anything like that. This was a call out to Fate – maybe even the Goddess of Love if she was listening; why me?
He watched as the coin hit the water with a small splash, causing ripples over the surface. The water was a dark, murky colour so the coin disappeared as soon as it began it sink. An owl hooted quietly in the distance and he sighed. Looking up into the night sky, his mind drifted back to Hanamaki’s question. Don’t you feel empty?
That was the thing. He didn’t.
Even though all the textbooks and articles would say a soul is never born complete, he truly believed the opposite for himself.
People had described this feeling of not being whole, or like something was missing in their lives throughout his whole childhood. He’d never felt this way before. There was no missing piece, nor the buzzing need or anticipation to ‘complete’ himself. And there were no markings upon his skin, or any indication of who, where or how to find his other half.
He’d even searched his predicament up online – but a whole night’s worth of research left him with a dead trail and the notion that he must have already met his soulmate. He had pondered upon it, but the idea was far-fetched since he’d met few people in his lifetime that stood out or had made an impression upon him. In addition to that, soulmates who’d met but didn’t connect for long periods of time would begin to feel incomplete again. The only people he saw on a frequent basis were his family and friends from school. But, they all had their established marks or connections.
He had even taken a day off school once to visit a Weaver in Kyoto – someone who was able to see the red-string of Fate. But upon questioning, the Weaver simply took his left hand and stroked his ring finger gently, whispering a pitiful, “My child, you are cursed. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.”
So at the age of fifteen, Tooru deduced that he was mate-less. A dud.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled it out to find a message from Hanamaki, asking where he’d went. He frowned slightly, and dismissed the message. The pink-haired boy had finally met his soul mate for the first time in real life – he didn’t need to be there to witness it.
Another blow to his lack of love life would probably make him snap. The idea that there was no one waiting – searching – for him, made Tooru feel insecure. Was he not good enough for a soulmate? Or did Fate have something against him?
His vision blurred and tilted his head up to the sky, blinking back the tears. Simultaneously, his right knee throbbed with the reminder of yet another lost hope. Shaking his head at the thought of his past, he roughly wiped the sleeve of his jacket over his eyes and began to make his way back to his apartment.
The walk was short, but it had calmed him down enough to put a smile on his face when greeting his flatmate. At the beginning, it was out of convenience and financial restriction that they happened to rent the apartment together. But time proved that they had similar interests and personalities, allowing them to become friends.
“Oikawa, you’re back! Have you eaten yet?” A silver head popped up from over the couch. The TV was on, a rom-com playing in the background.
Toeing off his shoes, he made his way over to his friend, sighing as he sunk into the well-worn couch. “Yup! I went out to eat with Makki. He met his soulmate today.”
Sugawara immediately gushed, “Really? How romantic!”
“He’s the owner of the new diner that came into town.” Tooru absently set his eyes on the movie that continued to play on the screen. “I’m happy for him… he’d been upset in the past couple of days.”
Nodding, Sugawara shifted to a more accommodating and comfortable position for the two of them to fit on the sofa. He peeked from the corner of his eye to see the solemn expression on Tooru’s face. “That’s good.”
The two fell into silence, focusing on watching the rest of the movie.
Tooru had assumed that Hanamaki meeting his soulmate would mean constant third-wheeling and less time spent with him outside of the one class they shared. But that wasn’t the case. Instead, the pair became a trio of friends – the couple acting the opposite of what he’d expected in the public eye. Rather, they spent time discussing memes or teasing Tooru. The plus side was free food from Matsukawa’s diner. Any poor college student wouldn’t risk passing up that opportunity.
But then one day, Matsukawa – oblivious to Tooru’s situation – eyed him carefully and asked him that question. The question that never failed to pop up between acquaintances at some point in time. “So, what kind of link do you have with your soulmate?”
Hanamaki’s eyes widened slightly and he looked between his soulmate and Tooru nervously. He was unsure of how the brunet would react, seeing as last time he’d brought it up, it’d become a taboo topic of sorts.
However, Tooru had been expecting this for some time, and simply sighed. He took his time to sip slowly at his drink, wanting a few extra seconds to think over his reply. He could shrug it off and avoid the question, but perhaps blunt was the best way to go; he had an inkling feeling that Matsukawa would keep pressing upon the manner if he continued to drag it out.
“I don’t have one.” His lips curved into an exaggerated smile as he shrugged in a helpless manner.
“Really?” he asked, to which the brunet nodded in reply. The chef continued on, “Hmm well, I have a friend whose skin would light up in colour whenever their soulmate would touch them. Maybe you have a similar type of link? The kind that forms upon connection.”
Tooru averted his eyes away from the calculative gaze. “I meant… I don’t have a soulmate. At all.”
Think brows furrowed in confusion, ignoring the jab to his ribs from Hanamaki. “How can you be so sure? Don’t you feel empty?”
There it was, that word again. Hearing it left a bitter taste in his mouth. But this time, it really was the last straw. The word echoed through his mind tauntingly.
Empty.
He was sick of it. He hated feeling this way – feeling so odd in a world full of destined love and ‘complete-ness’. It was like he didn’t belong. Well, maybe he didn’t need a soulmate. Maybe his whole existence was proof that love wasn’t a necessity in life. But even so, he desperately wished that it wasn’t the case. Swallowing thickly, he forced the corners of his lips to tug into a smile.
“No, I don’t. I can’t even imagine what it feels like.” He exhaled shakily, “I’m certain I don’t have anyone. The Weaver I visited even said so.”
Hanamaki’s eyes widened as he moved away from Matsukawa to sit beside Tooru, resting a comforting hand upon his shoulder. “Oikawa… I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”
He brushed the hand away and stood, “It’s really nothing, Makki. I mean, I’ve lasted twenty-two years without one, so what’s another fifty or sixty?” With that, he turned and swiftly left the diner.
The couple silently watched as the door closed behind him, before turning back to face each other. Matsukawa’s usual half-lidded gaze was replaced with an expression akin to guilt, and Hanamaki reached out to grasp his hand. Their fingers clasped together tightly, reassuring one another in a manner that only they could understand through their bond.
Tooru had no idea how long he’d been walking for. The sun had begun to set by the time he’d cleared his thoughts and was able to focus on his surroundings again. He supposed that he was at least grateful that he recognised the area he was standing in.
Pulling his phone from his pocket, his eyes widened at the time flashing upon the screen. He’d missed his whole set of afternoon lectures. He sighed helplessly, he’d simply have to catch up in his own time.
Upon entering the apartment, he knew that there was no hiding from Sugawara – the man’s instinct never failed to pick up on distress.
The silver-haired male was already standing in the hallway by the time Tooru had pulled off his shoes. “What happened?”
Tooru stood, silent. A glance at the worried expression upon Sugawara’s face was enough to have his eyes fill with fresh tears. He sniffled slightly, "Suga... I don’t like this. I don’t like that I’m alone even in a world full of people. I-It’s not fair.”
The world claimed that you didn’t truly start living until you met your soulmate. If that was the case, then Tooru didn't know what kind of life there was to live. Years upon years of history had built a culture surrounding the idea that your soulmate was going to be the most important existence in your life. A human's unconscious will always search, or look for a sign to find and complete their soul. For Tooru, he'd never had the urge to search. He'd wished and dreamed to feel the way everyone else did, but in reality, he was just holding onto hope.
Sugawara moved forward, wrapping the taller of the two in his arms and pet his back soothingly. Tooru leant into the comfortable touch, allowing his dam of emotions to spill out – the sobs wracking through his whole body and the core of his soul. His flatmate whispered words of solace that Tooru heard, but didn’t comprehend. The tone of his voice helped to ease the ache nonetheless.
He simply couldn’t understand how there wasn’t a single person out there waiting for him in a world of seven billion people. There was no one who would always, truly be there for him, and in return, no one for him to care for. Forget feeling empty, he just felt so tired and alone. His days felt like they dragged on for far too long as he sat isolated from something that was humanity’s norm; he was an outsider – dissociated from the rest of the world.
“What's so bad about me?” He blubbered, clutching tighter onto Sugawara’s sweater. "Did I taint my soul so horrendously in my past life that Fate decided I didn't deserve someone?"
"Tooru, you know that's not how it works..."
"Then why?"
Sugawara leaned back to face the brunet directly in the eyes. His expression was hardened as he spoke confidently. "Think what you want Oikawa, but despite how annoying and whiny you can sometimes be, your soul is one of the purest I've ever seen. Don’t you dare think for a second that you're worthless!"
Tooru looked at him, unshed tears blurring his vision and his breathing laboured from the stuffiness in his nose. He nodded hesitantly, and pushed the negative thoughts into a deep corner of his mind. He should just accept his circumstance already. He relaxed back into his roommate's arms, allowing himself a moment of reprieve. "I'm sorry Suga."
Suga was definitely wrong. He really didn’t deserve anything.