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Reyes was leaning against the window as soon as his first coffee of the morning was secured on his hands. Mornings on Kadara were used to be pretty much the same for him that all the hundreds of dawns he saw back on earth, bright and warm, all sun and light; annoying, when you were trying to sleep off a wild night. Now, however, mornings had a different meaning. The warm rays of sun crossing the window through his room did nothing to warm up the cold in Reyes’ body.
He probably should go back to sleep, it was really early yet, and he still had a couple of hours until he had to start with his daily tasks, but for Reyes the most of his nights were short, he never really slept that much.
Sight lost in the morning lights, Reyes tried to enjoy the smell and taste of his coffee and the sensations lingering in his body from the night before. He could still feel the ghostly touch of other hands on his skin, gentle and decided, lips delivering kisses and tiny bites here and there, he still could feel the warm and touch of other body against his own, and if he closed his eyes, Reyes could almost hear hushed whispers and soft moans against his exposed neck. He sighed heavily, maybe just 20 minutes had passed since Scott left and Reyes already missed him so much.
Being the pathfinder, even after finding the other pathfinders and finding meridian, was a harsh job; Soctt still had a lot of work to do, Reyes understood that, and his encounters were still being more like the furtive type.
Every time Scott landed on Kadara port, they retired almost immediately to Scott quarters on the tempest or here, in the tiny flat Reyes had near the sulfur pools. They always ended having sex, more or less desperate depending in how much time had passed since the last time the tempest landed and then Scott always fell asleep almost immediately between Reyes arms, he's never going to complaint about that, he wasn’t opposed to the idea of watching Scott sleeping. The morning after, Reyes would leave the tempest before the preparations to depart started or Scott would slip away from his room with the first lights of the morning to help his crew to lift boxes in the cargo bay before they were ready to go, making sure supplies were enough.
That morning was the same, Scott woke up at the same insane hour as always, probably with SAM help, he dressed up in silence and then go back to the port after leaving a small kiss on Reyes’ sleeping cheek. Reyes, as always, was faking to be asleep.
And now, with the sun starting to rise he found himself brooding over a cup of shitty coffee by the window of his own room, trying to fight the dreadful feeling churning on his gut.
Reyes knew exactly what was wrong with that morning, and with that coffee, knowing it didn’t make it easier to accomplish though:
The absence of Scott Ryder.
It always felt heavy, and sour, and sad, and dreadful; Scott leaving like that. He felt used. He always tried to brush the feeling away, to bottle it up. Some mornings were easier than others.
Today was a hard one.
He knew he didn’t have the right to complaint, he knew he didn’t have the right to feel used; they never spoke about feelings, o about a relationship after all. They never spoke about what they were and maybe they never will.
Certainly, Reyes wasn’t going to be the one to ask about that, it was too risky being exposed like that, recognizing that maybe he wanted something more, dreading the thought of Scott pulling away because he was making things complicated.
He moved his gaze to the messy bed and smiled sadly imagining how would be having Scott lying there, with the sheets tangled on his limbs and the morning lights caressing his skin, showing Reyes colors that he'd never seen before. Another sigh, almost painful escaped his lips, leaving him empty.
Scott rarely stayed on Kadara for more than one night and if he did he always has another matter to take care of somewhere. Reyes have never said a thing about this, because he didn't want to cause the pathfinder any trouble.
Ridiculous. Probably he shouldn’t be worrying about something like that, and leave things like they were, simple and unattached. Safe ground.
For Scott this could perfectly be just a way to relieve stress and nothing more. For Reyes this could be the same.
Another heavy sigh. Every time Scott left like this, he had the same argument with himself.
Maybe Scott didn't fully accept him like Reyes thought he did. Perhaps the truth was that Scott didn't care about Reyes keeping secrets from him because this was nothing serious, or perhaps after the charlatan thing he just thought it wasn’t worth it caring about the lies and decided to keep this casual to not to risk getting hurt by a liar.
Reyes was very used to casual relationships.
Every time he let his train of thought going this way, something dark and painful twisted in his gut and his chest, and something tight and awful threatened to explode on his throat. His eyes didn’t sting at all.
Why someone like Scott would like to hang out with someone like him anyway? Reyes knew his own regrets and sins very well, there were things about himself he was definitely never going to say to anyone, specially Scott. There were things he was still doing than he hoped Scott never find out. There were a lot of things he did that he wasn’t proud of, and things he knew he was going to do that wasn’t going to make him feel proud either.
Reyes was no good man.
He didn’t like dwelling on regrets, there was no point. He knew very well that some things needed to be done and even if they were pretty nasty things, it was necessary because the alternative usually implied Reyes getting killed.
He was sick of that lifestyle, smuggling for a living wasn’t as appealing as some may think. It was dangerous, and dark, and it sucked.
Reyes wanted to be better, just didn’t know how.
He went to Andromeda to leave all the shit of his life behind, it wasn’t working.
He took another sip of his coffee and grimaced. Sun almost all the way out of the horizon.
The coffee was horrible that morning, but he drank it anyway. He missed so bad Scott's coffee from his few mornings on the tempest.
He still could remember the first time he saw Scott Ryder and how his gaze travelled around kralla's song like a fucking tourist, Reyes found funny and cute that complete lack of sense of danger and the cunning he found behind that gaze. He never saw before eyes like those, so open, so clear and honest, yet so sharp and fearless.
Baby blue, all honesty and youth, untamed and not cautious enough. He knew it in that very moment, Scott Ryder didn't tell lies.
Reyes should have sealed himself immediately, instead he went for the game, the hunt, the flirting. Go and try to charm the human pathfinder just for the sake of his ego, everything that he could get from Ryder’s position just a plus.
When the boy started to flirt with him, Reyes was amused and surprised and he couldn't help but feel like the exotic hot native. Flirting back was funny and suddenly Reyes was enjoying the company of the pathfinder a little too much. And he wasn’t thinking about him as the pathfinder anymore.
Nothing in all andromeda and the milky way could have ever prepared Reyes Vidal for the storm that was Scott Ryder. After the incident with Zia, Reyes started to think maybe Scott actually meant all the flirting and was just a little awkward and naïve and inexpert, maybe the boy was aiming at something with the flirting.
After Sloane’s party, Reyes started to think seriously about Scott feeling something (anything) real for him and at the same time he did realize that he already had fallen for the pathfinder, hard.
He never expected, or wanted that, just happened. Scott was so pure, so free with his affections, and emotions, but at the same time so capable, fearless, strong. He didn’t make sense to Reyes at all.
He stopped his attempts of seducing him, but he couldn’t cut the “innocent” flirting.
In any case, he was happy with how the things between them were going, because for the first time in a long time Reyes felt like he didn’t have to pretend anymore, like he could breathe out of his characters, it was liberating.
But there was that another thing between them by that time, Reyes lying about the charlatan thing. Maybe if they were only friends, without any possibilities of something more, he probably would have trusted Scott with the truth, but he didn't, because he was afraid to lose his chance with the human pathfinder.
Reyes was still afraid in this moment, coffee in his hands and the scent of Scott still thick on his skin and his room.
At the beginning of this thing, he thought he could do well with something, whatever Scott was willing to give him, even if it was just stolen moments and quick fucks, and the truth was since what happened in the cave Reyes was doing nothing but keep falling harder and harder for this golden boy. Every time Reyes saw Scott in the eyes something inside him, something broken inside of him, fitted back in the right place, things started to make sense. Every time Scott smiled to him or laughed at some terrible joke Reyes made, something inside his chest just melted and it was hard, so fucking hard for him to stay focused in this man's presence and not to make a fool of himself. When they were apart, Reyes fantasized about kissing him under the rain, waking up in his embrace every morning. He dreamt and fantasized about daily little things, he missed absurd details, like the way Scott wrinkled his nose when he was angry, like a puppy.
Fuck, Reyes has it bad, really bad.
Thinking about Scott always made him anxious and the idea of seeing him messed with his physiological processes and he felt like a teenager.
Nothing in his shady, shitty whole life could have ever prepared him to fall in love with Scott Ryder.
Because in moments like this, alone with himself he could tell the truth. He loved Scott Ryder like no one before and he had that terrifying certainty, every time he looked into those blue eyes, that there would be no one else for him, nevermore.
Reyes was afraid of the magnitude and depth of his feelings, and every time he thought about the "L " word his hands began to shake, like now. He also knew that that word would be never enough. Reyes had no idea how to handle this, and he was terrified.
Reyes kept trying to convince himself, all this time, that he wanted nothing more than what Scott was willing to give him, but he knew that was a lie, he wanted all. He wanted Scott Ryder in body, mind, heart and soul and in every dimension a person could have another, and at the same time he wanted him free. He was a greedy man after all.
Anyway, Reyes wouldn't tell Scott any of this never, because he was unsure about Scott’s feelings. He was always confident in his good looks and his charm, but this was too big, this feeling was too alien to him, he was afraid that his good looks and charm wouldn’t be enough, because he knew all of that was a charade, he had so little to give, to offer but secrets and grief and nasty business. Who was Reyes Vidal after all? Who knew the real answer?
Some days he felt like the whole idea of himself was a lie.
He didn't have the strength to resist Scott anymore, he'd never has it. But he didn’t want this to be just a casual thing, he couldn’t stand that. That would probably break him beyond repair. He still had some self-love (or at least, self-preservation instinct) somewhere.
Maybe, if Reyes wasn’t getting what he really wanted from all of this (he was sure he wasn’t), it was better to put and end to this, stop the risk of exposing the weak and broken parts of himself.
He needed to put distance, even if the boy was kind of irresistible.
By the time he finished his shitty coffee, Reyes Vidal had made his decision and if he had learned something about Scott Ryder, was to keep his word, even his word to himself.
By noon, however, he was more anxious and grumpy than ever, he knew Scott was still on Kadara, he could see the tempest landed on Kadara port while trying to hear what Kheema was saying. He couldn't do the call in the whole fucking morning.
In the end he didn't have to, Scott called him a couple of hours later.
He would like to say he kept it suave enough to pick up the call at the third tone, but he picked up immediately.
"wow Reyes, that was fast" Scott's voice teased him from the other side of the line
"I just hanged up Kheema" he lied
"mmm I have a good timing then"
"perfect timing" something painful and ugly was lurking in his gut " you calling to say goodbye?"
There was silence in the other line, this conversation was typical between them but not like this, usually Scott would call to tell him he need to leave earlier and he is so sorry he couldn't go to say goodbye in person, but he will be back soon, and then Reyes would tell him to not worry and tease about making up to him later, then they’d said their goodbye and get done with the thing. They always pretended the things were good, or at least Reyes always pretended, he would leave everything to go so he could give Scott one last kiss if the man jus asked, but he never asked, and Reyes wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, seeing him depart.
So they always said goodbye by vidcom. With the vid part deactivated.
"yes"
Another awkward silence.
"where are you going this time?" Reyes broke the silence with a broken voice, he tried to clear his throat but didn't work.
"nexus" Scott breath hesitated for a moment "you okay?"
"yeah, yeah, I'm ok" he lied again.
Another long and silent minute
"could you…" Reyes cleared his throat again, voice strangled " could you stay another night? just one more? I have something I want to tell you"
He wishes he wouldn't sound so begging
"yes, I suppose I can do that, for a couple of hours, at least" another moment of silence and Reyes was at the edge of a panic attack. How could he dared to think this would be easy?
"Reyes is everything alright?"
"yes, nothing’s wrong, I just need to tell you something, in person"
"ok, if you say so" another silence "I'm here whenever you need me"
Reyes smiled bitter at that.
"same hour, same nav point. See you Scott, I need to go back to work now " before Scott could say anything else, he hanged up the call.
He was at the spot 20 minutes early and Scott was already there. They walked in awkward silence until they reached Reyes favorite spot to look over the badlands.
He found himself caught in the sunlight again. He always liked the way the setting sun lit up the waste land, the colors were striking, and totally different from the morning’s.
There was silence between them, Reyes wanted this moment to never come, but he had to do something right, at least once in his life. For both of them.
The pathfinder shouldn’t be having an affair with the charlatan, it was, at least, dangerous for him, even if Reyes would protect Scott with his own body if necessary.
Reyes wasn’t good for Scott. Reyes was barely good for himself, sometimes.
"you wanted to tell me something" Scott began after a long silence.
Always to the point, Reyes thought, he took a deep breath and dropped the bomb.
Now or never.
"I think we must end this" trying to avert Scott eyes he locked his gaze on Kadara sunset, but he wasn't paying attention to the sunlight upon the naked land, like he did whenever he went to this exact place.
"end what?" Scott asked stupidly.
"whatever is this thing between us"
A long silence fell upon them, Reyes hands ached to touch Scott, but he remained still.
Scott wasn’t looking at him, he seemed to be considering things.
“is that what you want?” he asked frowning.
“I think is better this way, yes”
Another long moment of silence. Reyes felt like they spent hours here, watching the horizon swallowing the sun, but the sun had barely move a little down since he arrived.
"can I ask why?" now Reyes was looking into Scott’s eyes and it broke his heart.
He had an almost clear idea on his mind of what he was going to say before coming here, but all of it suddenly disappeared.
What could he say?
"because I can't… I can't do this, Scott I…" Reyes was trying to find the words, and for the first time in his whole life, failing.
"I can't do this anymore" he said finally, he could never have imagined that the hurt in Scott eyes would hit him so hard.
He could never have imagined it was going to be hurt or sadness in Scott’s eyes. He wanted to brush it away, and he was the one causing it
He tried to keep tears back, and he decided to be honest with someone, complete honest. Maybe he shouldn’t say this, not even in his final hour, but fuck it, he wanted to take it out of his chest, perhaps that way it was going to make it easier to carry, that constant weight on his heart.
"because I don't want to pressure you, and force to chose between your job and me, and I don't want to put you in a complicated situation or cause any trouble. Because I think is for the best we end this here and now, because I can't handle anymore being just a fling to you because I…" a guttural sound came from his chest "because I fell in love with you Scott, because I love you" he put his face between his hand and squeezed hard, it was done, there was no coming back from this.
He excepted juts silence in return, and silence was what he got.
His hands were shaking, and his breath was uneven, he thought his chest could explode at any moment and he couldn't hold his tears anymore.
A thick and horned chain clenched over his heart, but somehow now he could breathe a little easier.
Then, a hand, a shaking hand took his own trying to take them away from his face, he resisted first, and then he let go.
Scott was crying, his face was a sobbing mess of tears and red eyes and hurt and pain and an expression Reyes didn't want to see on that beautiful face ever again. He still managed somehow to look bloody gorgeous though.
"Reyes, a fling? seriously? a fling? really?" he made an exasperated sound as he tried to clean his face from tears with his hoodie, but only made it worse.
"you are so stupid, ahhh fuck I really want to punch you right now"
Reyes didn't know what to do or what to say, so he remained silent.
" we are so stupid, you are so stupid" he made another strange sound and then took Reyes face between his hands.
"we both were being an asshole with each other. I knew you got some baggage and I didn't want to put the pressure of my feelings on you, I wasn't sure what exactly you felt, so I tried to give you as much space as I could. I didn’t want you to think I was going too strong and you never said something, I thought you wanted something casual. I’m just a kid to you anyway. You don't know how damn much effort takes me to leave you sleeping like that every time, I feel like I am using you. I wasn’t. I’m not."
"you didn't have to leave" was all Reyes could say, voice shaking.
"you could have told me what you really wanted, you could have ask me to stay" Scott replied " I always called you goodbye because I was afraid I could say something stupid and cheesy if you were there with me, I was afraid to make a fool of myself telling I didn't want to leave at all like a child, I couldn’t trust I’d do the right thing and leave to do my pathfinder shit if you were there, with me"
Scott was sobbing again and the next thing Reyes felt was salty lips on his own and the sound of wet- with-tears kisses, Scott hands were shaking and his voice was cracked when he spoke again.
" I love you stupid smuggler, I have loved you since the first time you winked at me"
Reyes didn’t know why that made him laugh so hard.
"that's my winner movement you know" he said finally and they were kissing again.
"more than your terrible picked up lines?" Scott whisper searching for air
"hey, my lines aren't terrible. What was that "maybe another kiss? just to be sure" shit anyway?, that was a bad pick up line" Reyes teased, and instantly he felt a heavy punch on his right shoulder.
"and you didn't kiss me again!" Scott complained
"I'm kissing you right now"
The silence now was filled with slow soft gentle kisses, like a conversation in whispers. The chain over Reyes’ heart fell stained, but it was still difficult to breathe, now for entirely different reasons.
In a way it was like kissing Scott for the first time, sweet and hesitant like that one kiss they shared on the rooftops.
"Say it again?" Scott asked, a little desperate, breathless. Reyes looked right into those eyes and found there all the answers he would ever need.
"I love you"
"I really want to be your boyfriend"
Reyes couldn't help but laugh, hiding his face in the curve of Scott neck, blushing a little, because oh god, he was gross and utterly fucked.
"That can be arranged" he whispered breathlessly into Scott ear, the shiver he recived as an answer was delicious.
He breathed in Scott’s scent with greed.
"you are mine then? like all mine" he asked looking into those blue eyes again.
"I am all yours"