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What is pain?
It can be something physical, like getting punched so hard, a bruise would form on your skin. Like getting slapped on the face, the hand leaving its mark on your cheek. Like falling down and getting your knees scraped on the rough pavement. Like the stitches once you got out of an operation and the anesthesia wears off. Like having your fingers bleed, your thighs feel like opening up, your calves burning and your arms falling off because of too much volleyball.
It can be something emotional, like losing someone so important in your life. Like feeling empty and drained out of everything. Like feeling that you aren’t fit enough to be in the team. It can be something mental, the stress and pressure eating away at you until you just want to scream your throat raw and let the frustrations pour out of you.
For Semi, it's all of those, but mostly, it’s looking at someone he loves be with someone else that is not him. It is seeing him hold and be held by another person, kiss and be kissed by someone that would never, ever be him. Pain is feeling his heart being torn apart because he knows that they can’t be together, not in the romantic sense that Semi wanted both of them to be in.
Semi Eita had known Shirabu Kenjirou all his life. They spent childhood and grew up together, played in the same team in high school and stayed together in college, where Shirabu found the love of his life, Miya Osamu. It was painful, how Shirabu slowly fell in love with Osamu and the other for him, and Semi wondered, if he got the balls to ask Shirabu out, would he also look at him the way he looks at Osamu? Love him back in the same intensity that he does Osamu?
If Semi had the guts to ask Shirabu out before, would he be the one holding Shirabu in his arms tonight as they danced their first as a married couple? Would he be the one holding Shirabu tonight and the nights to come after, whispering their promises of love and share soft, lingering kisses in the dark?
“Well, aren’t you a masochist?” He heard a voice ask from behind him and he scoffed, drinking the wine from the glass he is holding before looking at the one who spoke behind him.
“That makes two of us, don’t you think?” He asked with a raised eyebrow and the person just shrugged, taking a glass of wine from a passing waiter before settling in on the empty seat beside Semi.
“I guess so. How have you been Semi?” Semi shrugged before answering, “Good.”
“You’re not good at lying, you know?”
“As if you are, Futakuchi.”
Futakuchi Kenji became one of his closest friends in their circle when they reached college because apparently, being best friends with Shirabu meant hanging out with Osamu and his best friend, Futakuchi (much to Shirabu's "displeasure" because they hung out too often during their high school days as fellow captains of volleyball teams). They bonded over picking on Shirabu, along with Kawanishi and sometimes Osamu and his twin, Atsumu, before Akaashi, the voice of reason as everyone called him, would stop them. Eventually, they became close, bonded over their mutual situations: being helplessly in love with their best friends knowing that said best friends won't return their feelings. It took Futakuchi some time to get it out from him and have Semi himself say it out loud, cornering him in a café just to ask him about it, even though he knew.
“Why do you keep on denying it, Semi?” Futakuchi asked him as he calmly sipped on his coffee.
“Why do you keep on insisting it, Futakuchi?” Semi snarked back.
“Because, I see the way you look at him.” Futakuchi said, his voice silent. “It is the same way Osamu looks at Shirabu, like he is so precious, so wonderful that he adores him. Like he is his universe, and I know it’s not how a best friend looks at his own best friend, it is not supposed to be like that.”
“Fine, I’m in love with my best friend, Shirabu Kenjirou. Happy now?” Semi said, sighing in defeat, tone laced with annoyance, which didn’t bother Futakuchi in the slightest. It even made the brunet grin because he finally succeeded in getting Semi to admit it out loud. “Yes.”
Semi just looked at him and sighed, “You’re in love with Osamu as well, aren’t you?”
Futakuchi shrugged, appearing nonchalant, before looking over to the side and releasing a deep sigh. Semi knows more than to pry, because he knew how it feels and it doesn’t feel good, not in the slightest.
They spent time together, reveling in their unfortunate cases of unrequited love and somewhat, it feels reassuring to have someone by your side that shares the same predicament as you. The news of Shirabu and Osamu’s wedding came, and it took all from both of them not to break down in front of their own best friends, not until they are alone, with each other, and have the pain pour out from them, with alcohol as their other companion.
“Numb the pain,” Futakuchi slurred as he waved his glass of alcohol around, contents spilling on the floor and Semi just shook his head at the drunk male before drinking from his own glass and looked at Futakuchi who suddenly stilled and then tears were streaming from his eyes, and it took him aback for it was the first time Futakuchi cried because it was usually Semi who came to him and wept. And now here, in front of him, Futakuchi finally broke and all he could do was come closer and hold the brunet close to him.
“I don’t lie.” Futakuchi said with a snort before taking a sip from his glass.
“Yeah, you don’t. You pretend.” Semi said which made Futakuchi raise his eyebrow in question. “You pretend you’re okay when you’re not. You’re all smiles and laughter, when inside you’re slowly breaking into pieces. You pretend it’s fine when in reality, it’s so painful it tears you apart.”
Futakuchi swirled the remaining liquid in his wine glass before tipping his head back and downing the rest of the content, “Well, there’s not much we can do right? Except to be happy for them.”
“I’m happy for Kenjirou and Osamu, I’ll always be.”
“And I am too, but it doesn’t lessen the pain.”
“Yeah,” Semi looked at the dance floor, taking in the image of Shirabu and Osamu dancing, the brunet’s head on the other’s shoulder, a look of content on their faces. “Hey, Futakuchi.” He called and Futakuchi answered with a hum.
“Do you want to get out of here?”
Futakuchi looked at him with a raised eyebrow, “Don’t you want to have your dance with Shirabu first?”
“I want to, but I’m afraid if I did, I might not ever have the strength to let him go, so no. I’m not going to ruin this night for him. Besides, I’ve said everything in my speech as his best friend earlier.”
“Not everything.” Futakuchi muttered, because Semi didn't, never, admitted to seeing and loving Shirabu as someone more than just a best friend.
Semi stood up and looked at Futakuchi. “Whatever. Are you coming with me or not?”
“Geez, fine. I’m coming, let’s go. What do you have in mind?”
A few minutes of walking brought them to the first bar they would find near the hotel where they were staying and where the wedding reception was happening, but far enough that they don’t need to spend the night looking at Shirabu and Osamu and relive the pain over and over again. It’s too much for one night.
They spent the night downing glass after glass of alcohol, sharing embarrassing childhood stories of each other and even of Shirabu and Osamu, because their childhood isn’t childhood without both of them. They stopped when Futakuchi started to cry, burying his face in his hand as he silently let the tears fall from his eyes. Semi continued to drink silently, his hand on Futakuchi’s shoulder offering comfort.
Once Futakuchi calmed down, they paid for their drinks and went back to their hotel, Semi checking his phone if Shirabu replied to his text informing him that he would be leaving ahead because something came up, only to find his screen staring back at him with nothing but the time and the date, and their picture during graduation as his lockscreen wallpaper.
Semi was about to enter his room when Futakuchi held his sleeve, making him to stop. “Can I stay with you for the night?” he asked, voice a whisper and it made Futakuchi smaller, more vulnerable and Semi nodded his head because personally, being alone with his thoughts is the last thing he wanted to happen.
Semi left him to sit by the bed while he went to take a shower to wash away the dirt and his drunkenness, and when he went out, Futakuchi was still in the same place as he left him, as if he never moved aside from removing his suit jacket and tie, which now hung on the back of the couch by the side of the room. “Hey, Futakuchi-“
“Can I ask a favor?” Futakuchi said, his eyes meeting Semi’s. Semi furrowed his eyebrows and walked closer to Futakuchi, sitting down with his legs crossed, facing him on the bed. “What is it?” Futakuchi mirrored him so that they can sit adjacent to each other.
“Kiss me.” Futakuchi said, voice steady and gaze unwavering and Semi looked at him with eyes wide with shock. “Futakuchi—“
“Please.” It was desperate, his voice even breaking at the end, and Semi studied his face and can see nothing but pain and sadness, hints of tears forming in his eyes. Semi brought his hand up to Futakuchi’s face, the other to his eyes, covering it before leaning close and pressing his lips against the brunet’s. It was an innocent press of lips until Futakuchi pressed back with more force, his tongue prodding at the seam of Semi’s lips before it met his and Semi could taste the bitterness, the pain, the desperation, the sadness. It made tears fall from his eyes at the same time they did from Futakuchi’s.
Futakuchi pushed him on his back, and the brunet had to plant his arms on either side of Semi’s shoulder to hold his weight before his lips were on his again, this time more insistent.
“Kenji..” Semi whispered in between kisses. “Kenji, Kenji, Kenji..” And he doesn’t know who he is calling out to, Kenjirou? Futakuchi? Which one?
“Kenji..” Semi whispered, and Futakuchi pulled back. Semi opened his eyes, and looked up at Futakuchi, whose shoulders were shaking and tears were falling from his eyes that were covered with Semi’s hand. Semi removed his hand from his eyes and Futakuchi opened them, tear-filled brown eyes staring back at Semi’s chocolate orbs. Futakuchi finally let his weight fall and carefully plopped down on top of Semi, burying his face into the ashen gray’s shoulder, his hand clutching the material of Semi’s shirt.
They didn’t need words to convey how much they were hurting because their endless tears that they tried to hold back the whole day were now flowing freely from their eyes, and it won’t be stopping anytime soon.
Semi woke up with the sunlight peaking through the curtains of the hotel window. He let out a groan and was about to stand up and fix the curtains shut when he felt a weight on his body and he saw Futakuchi lying asleep on top of him. He noticed the tear-stains on his otherwise peaceful face, the only evidence of his pain. We must have fallen asleep crying last night, Semi mused. With a sigh, he ran his fingers in Futakuchi’s hair and heard the brunet let out a content hum before nuzzling his face on the crook of Semi’s neck. Semi closed his eyes and let sleep take him once again.
They would heal, little by little, together. If the sun could rise again after being eaten away by the darkness, so can they. After all, another day signifies another chance in life. They would heal, and then the pain that they experienced would become just a distant memory.