Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

They'd won.

They'd built their hives to reach all seven gates. They'd defeated their denizens. They'd completed the genesis frog. They'd God Tiered. They'd defeated the black king and queen with no player casualties. They'd fucking won, with flying colors even, but somehow it didn't count.

They weren't sure what went wrong, but they knew it wasn't a programmed event: Sgrub wasn't supposed to malfunction and it sure as hell wasn't supposed to destroy its own endgame door in an explosion of static and graphical glitches. Or John sure hoped it wasn't supposed to -- it was a game with a tutorial that involved the destruction of an entire planet's population.

If the endgame had gone as it was presumably supposed to, they would have been in their new universe. Instead they were stuck hiding on a meteor in hopes they'd survive another hour before that thing, that almost-troll-but-mostly-glitch freak, found them again. They were left with little else to do than study the twelve humans and their game of "Sburb" within the newly created universe.

Dave was trying to act chill, but John could tell that he was tense and agitated. Out of all of them, he definitely deserved a freakout the most, but he wouldn't even admit it had fazed him. He sat in front of a monitor, bobbing his head slightly to the beat of his headphones, twitching the mouse here and there but not touching the keyboard.

Jade was doing a less stellar job of hiding her nerves, but she was trying. She gave John a big grin when she caught him staring, but when she thought no one was looking, she shuddered and let out a little silent sigh. Her hands reached for the keyboard, hesitated, and drew back. He wasn't sure he'd seen her so uncertain before.

Rose was the only one he actually believed had recovered from the endgame. She was taking the lead, as usual, typing up a storm on her desktop. John supposed that meant that the players in the new session could communicate with them after all.

John... didn't know how he was holding up. Did that mean he was in shock? It would make sense, considering they might not live much longer if they didn't figure something out fast. All the more reason to grab a shovel and at least try to dig his friends out of the shitfest they were knee-deep in.

He opened a chat window with the leader of the human session.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

GT: hi!
GT: umm this may sound weird, but it turns out i sorta created your universe!
GT: it's a long story, but the point is we're in danger from something that came from your session and i may need your help!
EB: JESUS FUCK, EGBERT, DID YOU SERIOUSLY CONTACT ME AT THE END OF MY TIMELINE TO TELL ME *THAT*?

Chapter Text

A young troll stood in his respite block. It was his sixth wriggling day, and under most circumstances that would mean jackall, but for the first time in his short life he had reasons to be excited for it. For one, the release of a highly anticipated game beta coincided with his wriggling day. For another, he'd accidentally started an ironic gift-off with his online bro and he couldn't deny being kind of excited to get a present on a day normally reserved for contemplating his shortcomings -- not that he tended to do that most sweeps, but if his neighbors asked, that was totally what he did, like any good troll.

His name was John Egbert. He was a cerulean blood and he wore a symbol on his shirt that looked a bit like an M if the letter ended in an arrow. His horns were about medium-length -- not little nubs, but not long enough to make pulling shirts on too difficult -- and traveled back the side of his head in waves, ending in nice points that did not at all match his relatively blunter teeth. His swooshy-looking horns were way better than his stupid, giant teeth, in his opinion.

Ever since he first woke up that evening, John couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that he was being watched. He lived alone aside from his lusus, and his hive had never been haunted before, but he wouldn't mind all that much if he got to meet a ghost. It was a more enjoyable thought than a stalker watching him from his lawnring.

He peered out the window just to be safe. It was well into the night, but his neighborhood was quiet with barely another troll in sight. That wasn't too unusual where he lived; there were other hives, but they had large lawnrings and the structures were built far from each other. He liked the privacy but sometimes it was a little eerie, such as when he was quite sure something was boring its gander bulbs into the back of his neck despite there being no one around.

It wasn't like he had to go outside and brave possible strangers waiting to jump him. It would be handy if he could tell if his packages had arrived by staring at his lawnring, but that was an absurd notion. Both packages would show up on his Small Item Teleporter downstairs at any time. They might have already gotten there while he was busy scoping out his block for stalkers and ghosts.

He waited another moment before spinning around, ready to let out a triumphant "A-ha!" if he caught a startled perpetrator, but he was disappointed: the only trolls staring at him were the still photos on his numerous action movie posters.

On second thought, it was just as well nothing was there, considering he was unarmed and didn't know how to fight an intruder (let alone a possible ghost).

Holding back a shiver, he darted down the stairs, slowing only when he remembered he didn't want to attract his lusus's attention. The last thing he needed was a giant hopbeast to tackle him from behind. That could wait for a less exciting night, when he had less shit to do.

He peered into the kitchen to see if the Small Item Teleporter had anything new sitting on its base. It was empty, but there were two new packages wrapped in red and green sitting next to it and- Aw dammit. His lusus was sniffing them and wrapping around them protectively. Why did it have to go and get to them first? He would have to give up on obtaining game or present in a timely fashion if he didn't want to catch his lusus's attention.

He turned back for his block and almost tripped. The same red package his lusus had just been guarding was sitting in the middle of the floor.

Uh. What?

He felt a stare on the back of his neck again, but a glance around revealed an empty block. Okay, there was definitely some ghostly shenanigans going on. Packages didn't just teleport to a perfect position to trip someone up. The ghost must have been a prankster too, attracted to John's kindred spirit. He hoped it was a mostly friendly kind of ghost that would learn to communicate with him and become his best friend. That would be pretty cool. A ghost that just spied on him would be less cool and maybe would require bunking with Dave until it went away.

John heard a curious squeak from the kitchen and took that as sign to grab the package and abscond the fuck out of there before his lusus could bound over to coddle him.

He flung himself into his seat to find a chat window flashing on his computer monitor, but it could hold its damn hoofbeasts for a few seconds as he settled back into his block. He ripped open the packaging to find a small but sturdy blue hammer from Dave.

Hell fucking yes, he could not have hoped for better timing to finally fill his strife specibus, with a ghost intruder in his hive and all. The mallet end did not feel as hard and lethal as a proper weapon, but Dave knew John didn't need to bludgeon anyone in the area that badly and it was perfect for, as was written on the handle, "Wiggler's First Hammerkind."

He supposed a gift so ironically thoughtful earned Dave an acknowledgement on Trollian. He stuck the hammer into his strife specibus, feeling grown up and safe with it in his inventory, and turned to his keyboard.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] --

TG: yo egbert welcome to six sweeps hows it feel to have finally caught up with the rest of us
GT: i'm all caught up in this sweet, sweet emotion called victory.
TG: pretty sure thats not an emotion
GT: it is absolutely an emotion, shithead, starting from right now.
TG: well then better ship that bill off to lalonde for an official stamp of approval
TG: make it a new piece of legislation
GT: maybe i will. :P
GT: right after i finish admiring this awesome hammer some secret admirer sent me for my wriggling day.
GT: it is such a tragedy i will never know the sender's identity. i would probably fall in love with him.
TG: mystery of the sweep right there
TG: better get troll sherlock holmes on the case
TG: dont touch that hammer too much we gotta check it for clues
GT: haha, i know it was you, bro.
GT: and i'm not in love with you.
GT: in case it was not clear that that was part of the joke too.
TG: im crushed
GT: i'm so sorry.
GT: but thanks, dude, i don't normally get exciting surprises on wriggling days.
TG: haha dude its a piece of shit it could barely knock out a rust blood
TG: its meant for wigglers in training
GT: well, maybe i like it anyway, shitface!
TG: you seriously used it for your first strife specibus weapon didnt you
TG: i can barely fuckin believe youre doing this shit unironically
GT: this shit is awesome and no amount of you saying otherwise will change my mind.
GT: take my unironic thanks!
TG: hell no dont infect me with that shit
GT: too late! call giving someone a present on their wriggling day ironic all you want, but this was too thoughtful a gift!
TG: thats just part of the irony
TG: sides i had to get you back for that ironic as fuck present you got me
GT: heheh, i just wanted an excuse to send you shades! that it was ironic timing was icing on the cake.
GT: i never asked, did your irises finish changing or was it just a false start?
TG: they are officially a gray free zone
TG: gray has to get a special permit to park in these peepers
TG: and gray aint got the money for that kinda permit this is prime realty were talking
TG: so gray got totally fucking evicted didnt even have time to collect its belongings before it was thrown outside on its ass
TG: kinda sad if you ask me but its the law
TG: cant make an exception
GT: wow.
GT: that is REALLY premature.
TG: yeah i noticed
GT: sorry, buddy.
GT: what are you going to do when we're adults and you have to reveal your blood one way or another?
TG: eh ill just go rogue
GT: well that seems kinda drastic. :P is your blood really THAT bad?
TG: getting a little nosy there egbert
GT: what? dude, i'm not asking for details.
GT: i wouldn't even give a shit anyway. your blood could be rainbow tie-dye and i'd just be like, whatever! let's watch another movie, bro!
GT: just saying, i don't think even a burgundy blood would need to be that extreme.
GT: and also i kind of would miss your dorky conversations and maybe even your stupid slam poetry if you went rogue.
TG: id stay in contact
TG: cant abandon my bro even if its risky to log in with the empire on my tail
GT: well don't get yourself fucking culled on my account either, dumbass!
TG: that was totally my plan john go on the run and get caught by drones immediately like a stupid fucking wiggler
TG: but you have now given me new purpose in life ill have to completely rethink this
TG: gonna turn over a new leaf
TG: devote my life to volunteer work
TG: ill teach slam poetry to the less fortunate til they get culled
TG: give them at least a little coolness in their short sorry lives
GT: oh my god you're a douche.
TG: so my awesome bro offering isnt the only package you got tonight was it
TG: you didnt happen to come across some game grubs of a beta
GT: oh yeah! i got those too, but they're with my lusus right now.
GT: i'm so pumped to try this shit out. you're playing too, right?
TG: nah
TG: lalonde was practically begging me to tho
TG: on her digital knees in tears that someone so awesome refuses to join her party
TG: it was a pretty sad sight
GT: i'm... sure that's exactly what happened, bro.
TG: you questioning my honesty egbert?
GT: yes.
TG: well anyway you should let her know youll be her partner in shitty gaming instead of me
TG: get her off my ass
GT: hm, i suppose i should try to snatch the game grubs from my lusus before he tries to fucking eat them or something stupid...
TG: not that i normally mind hot girls on my ass
TG: but not when were talking metaphorically i mean whats even the fucking point of that
GT: dave...
TG: granted even when were not talking metaphorically we all know our positions would be the other way around
GT: that was a fucking hint that i'm logging off, dave.
TG: no ones touching this ass that facts so obvious i dont even know why id need to state it
GT: whatever. ttyl loser.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Well, he supposed that meant he really did have to go face his lusus. Or he could pretend that telling Dave that he needed to see his lusus was a prank, not a lie? No, that was stupid. Or he could hope the totally-not-freaky-at-all resident ghost that had decided to make itself known on his wriggling day would be feeling nice enough to teleport the second package to his room? Actually, no to that too; he didn't want to be indebted to a stalker ghost.

He crept back downstairs and, sure enough, his lusus was chewing tentatively on the corners of the package. John let out an annoyed shout, which successfully diverted the lusus's attention away from the game beta; instead its beady eyes fixated on him. It only took two leaps for the hopbeast to reach him from across the room and slam into him so hard he would have fallen if it hadn't wrapped around him, its long floppy ears resting over him like a tent.

Everyone made fun of his hopbeast lusus for being a giant fluffy creature that spent most of its time shitting, sleeping, and cuddling, but they were conveniently missing the fact that its skin was as thick as fucking rock apparently and it had a death grip when it wanted to cuddle its ward.

John smacked his hands against the side of his lusus, but the hopbeast just started bathing his horns with its tongue -- eeeew, how old did it think he was?

He fumbled for his strife specibus like an amateur until he felt the hammer slide into his fingers. He beat at his lusus's leg until it finally seemed to notice he was trying to abscond. With one final lick to his horns, it unwrapped around him and wandered away.

He would have to remember to thank Dave again. That hammer was the best damn "ironic" present.

He grabbed the other package and absconded the hell back to his room, not even bothering to check for a ghost when he felt eyes on his back again.

By the time he returned to his computer, there was a new message on Trollian. He picked the packaging open as he read the bright green text.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] --

GG: happy wriggling day john!! :D
GG: oops i mean
GG: morose and self reflective wriggling day john >:( grumpy cranky serious face
GT: haha, thank you, it's been mostly happy so far.
GG: yay!!!
GG: have you grabbed the game grubs from your lusus yet?
GT: yeah, i just did and how the hell did you know they were with my lusus?
GG: dave told me
GT: no way, you're just pulling your freaky lime blood psychic powers again, aren't you?
GG: nope!! :) that is not even close!
GG: lime bloods arent even psychic silly
GT: bullshit.
GT: you can't fool me, jade, i am the pranking master and you are trying to pull one over on me.
GG: youre the one with mind control ancestry mr cerulean blood!!
GT: hey, not all cerulean bloods have mind control!
GT: i mean i sure as fuck don't. thanks for the reminder though! i like knowing i'm a failure to my hemocaste.
GG: drama queen :p
GT: excuse me, i am sensitive as shit about being the only boring person among my friends without a funky rare blood color.
GG: thats not true!! we dont know daves blood color
GG: for all you know hes a boring olive blood
GT: but he gets to be a mysterious motherfucker about it. that's almost as bad as a rare color!
GG: i suppose thats true
GG: it does seem pretty cool just because we dont know it....
GT: you should use your lime blood psychic powers to rat him out!
GG: what no!!
GG: i still dont have psychic powers but even if i did i wouldnt use them for an invasion of privacy like that
GT: do it! rain on his mystery coolkid parade!
GG: you use your cerulean mind control!!
GT: ARGH!!!!
GG: anyway i should stop bothering you so you can concentrate on your chat with rose
GT: i'm not in a chat with
GT: ok, or she logged in and started trolling me. just now. after you said that.
GT: dammit, jade, how do you do that?
GG: maybe ill tell you sometime
GG: like during the game! :)
GT: i'll hold you to that! i want in on this secret!
GG: dont worry youll see for yourself soon enough
GG: also sorry about your lusus :(
GT: what?
GG: bye!!!

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] --

Oh jeez, that did not bode well.

He ignored Rose's chat window just long enough to peek downstairs and watch his lusus scrounging around the floor for dropped food like a living vacuum cleaner. It was okay. Maybe Jade was just referring to how his lusus was always tackling him and her warning was nothing sinister at all. That weird ghost had damn well not have been on her mind!

He returned to his computer to insert the Sgrub beta's game grub. The installation looked like it was going to take half of forever, so he turned to Trollian again.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] --

TT: Hello, John. I hope you're having a pleasant wriggling day, as oxymoronic as that statement sounds.
GT: i guess it's an oxymoronic night, because it's been pretty fun so far!
GT: dave sent me my first weapon for my strife specibus!
TT: Ah, yes. The hammer?
GT: yes! it is so sweet, rose.
GT: it got my lusus to leave me alone right away so i wasn't stuck under him for two hours!
TT: Did you also receive a beta for a certain game?
GT: nope.
TT: Are you sure?
GT: duh, i would have noticed something like that.
TT: I'm fairly sure you've received it.
TT: It arrived a while ago for me.
GT: well i have not. maybe they forgot to send mine.
TT: If you insist.
GT: jk, it just finished installing!
TT: Really now.
GT: yes, really, that one is not a prank.
TT: Oh, I can tell, from how my server installation has finally picked up on your client's signal and I can see every cranny of your block.
GT: wow. creepy, rose.
TT: I won't snoop. Much.
GT: you did not warn me that you'd get a view of my hive in this game. i, uh. i would have at least cleaned! maybe.
TT: Don't worry. The clutter gives me far greater insights into your psyche anyway.
GT: okay, that being creepy thing has not stopped yet.
TT: John, what the hell was that?
GT: what the hell was what?
TT: There was a red blur right behind you. It almost looked like my computer lagged.
GT: umm
GT: was it, uh. did it look like a stalker ghost?
TT: I'm afraid I'm not qualified to make that distinction.
TT: That seems more your expertise.
GT: okay, it's just i think there's a ghost stalking me. but i have not caught it yet! it's pretty damn frustrating.
TT: I imagine.
GT: it's a rude motherfucker.
TT: Whatever it is, I'll try to snag a screenshot if I see it again.
TT: In the meantime, I'm going to try deploying some of the items at my disposal in the Sgrub menu.
GT: uh. okay?
TT: Shit. Not enough space. Let's see what I can move around...
GT: rose, that's my recuperacoon!! or it was.
TT: Oops. These controls are a bit sticky. I'll replace that for you later.
GT: bluh bluh, i'll still have nightmares til you get your royal butt on that.
TT: You're welcome to stay at my hive until I can have the replacement arranged.
GT: and fucking drown!
TT: I keep air-locked rooms.
GT: argh, maybe. >:(
TT: Attempting to deploy this machine again. Look out below.

With a thud loud enough to shake the ground, Rose's cursor dropped a large metal machine where his recuperacoon used to sit.

She sent him instructions for each piece of machinery she laid out across his house, never giving him even a chance to work it out for himself. He couldn't deny, Sgrub was a pretty lame game if the tutorial was anything to go by. Being ordered around to do boring pointless tasks and watch his furniture get flung about haphazardly was pretty much the opposite of fun.

He drew the line when he saw his load gaper floating around.

GT: omfg. rose, stop yanking my appliances out of their damn sockets!
TT: It's a temporary problem. I'll fix it once I've gotten these controls to behave. They're quite finicky.
GT: temporary, my ass. does this game reattach pipes?
TT: I suppose we'll find out.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! --
GT: rose?

There was a loud thud as the load gaper smashed through the floor, the sound soon joined by a high pitched squeak that cut off abruptly downstairs. Oh god, he hoped that was just an extra noisy machine Rose had placed down there without telling him.

He crept to the stairs to check the damage, holding his breath.

His lusus lay dead in the rumpusblock, its head thoroughly bashed in by the falling ablution block fixture that fell through the ceiling. Its skin was thick, but falling furniture must have passed that limit.

With a sinking sensation in his stomach, John had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

Chapter Text

A young troll sat at a computer in her underwater respiteblock. Her Internet had just gone out at the most inopportune possible moment.

Her name was Rose Lalonde and she was the heir to the troll empire -- the soon-to-be-empress, once she had her chance to take out that nasty witch of an empress currently sitting on the throne. She dressed in dark-colored swimsuits with hints of purples that complemented the fuchsia symbol on her front, which was shaped a bit like an H with curved sides. Not that she cared about complementing colors, because fashion was silly, but she didn't want to look dumb either, hence adding a skirt that flowed well in water to her ensemble. Her horns stood straight up and parted in three spots each on the way up to make for a rather elegant pattern, while her teeth were small but quite sharp.

Her hive was deep underwater in the middle of the northern ocean. It had two airlocked blocks in reserve for any landwelling visitors she received -- a total of zero so far -- and was bigger than she knew what to do with. Most importantly, her Internet connection had never faltered in over five sweeps.

She was more inclined to blame her computer when Trollian went offline, the Sgrub window froze, and the connectivity icon turned to a red X. She tried to reset the connection, but the Wi-fi signal was just plain gone no matter how much she refreshed. Frowning, she set about rebooting the entire computer.

Given that it would take five minutes to restart, she swam from her desk to check on the status of the router just to be safe. She was quick enough with the locks that she had one of the air-tight rooms unsealed in thirty seconds. Underwater routers existed, but they were finicky and she'd never had a problem with the land-based device before.

The lights on the router were all dark. She narrowed her eyes and lifted it to search for a switch or reset hole to get it working again, but the culprit of her troubles was far more obvious: the power cord had been yanked out.

Her hands tensed. She set the router down carefully, plugging it back in while feigning an air of indifference. It was only as the power light blinked on that she spun around, needles out of her specibus and in her hands in an instant.

No one was behind her.

She caught a flash out of the corner of her eyes, just a touch of red, and turned to catch it, bearing her teeth, but it moved faster than her gaze could follow.

The door that led to the surface slammed and she snarled in its direction, ready to give chase, but by the time she reached the exit, staring up the long ladder out of the ocean, the intruder was already gone. She frowned all the more. It had gone up a thousand feet in less than ten seconds.

She made a quick scan of the room, but nothing else appeared disturbed. Whoever they were, the only obvious damage they'd done was interrupt her Sgrub session. She locked the door and shoved a cabinet in front of the exit before leaving the room, sealing it safely behind her, still ready to retrieve her weapons again at a moment's notice.

It would be a good ten minutes before the Internet returned at a dependable enough rate to boot up Sgrub again. It was just as well to use the time to feed her lusus so she wouldn't have to worry about it later.

She made her way to the giant fridge where she kept the carcasses of freshly killed lusii, wrapping the nearest in a net so she wouldn't have to touch its bloody form as she swam it outside and deeper into the ocean.

She'd been fortunate enough to find a herd of musclebeasts on her last round to the surface that she planned to ration them out to last a good perigee. She liked to hope a lusus running wild in a herd had a lower chance of having a little grub back home waiting for its return. It was difficult to feed her behemoth of a lusus while orphaning as few trolls as possible, but an empress would do what was best for her citizens -- even if that wasn't how the current empress operated on any level, it was how Rose would rule.

Any other troll would have been awed by her lusus, if not downright terrified like the poor violet bloods who swam across it while lost, but after more than six sweeps of mutual caring for each other, Rose didn't even blink as she neared the giant creature made of tentacles so numerous she couldn't hope to count them.

She felt its mind prod at hers, a hunger at the forefront of its thoughts. There were no words, but she knew the signals well enough to translate it as basically, "You brought me breakfast? Good, I was getting peckish."

With a careful swing, she tossed the dead musclebeast at her lusus. The carcass floated over and her lusus caught it in its mouth.

Rose waited a moment as her lusus chewed before saying, "Someone was in my hive today, Gl'bgolyb. Do you know what they were after?"

The lusus froze. A wave of thought rushed through her, but the only coherent word she could make out was Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad Bad. She rarely pried more details than that from any given conversation with her lusus, but sometimes that single word was more specific. (She'd rather hoped for something descriptive, like "thief" or "assassin.")

"Is it safe for me to return?" she asked when the psychic panicking calmed to a whisper.

The lusus sent her an affirmation. At least there was that, then. She waited until Gl'bgolyb finished eating and made sure it wouldn't require more sustenance before swimming back to her hive.

She was deep beneath the water, but her eyes were made for seeing through great depths and she frowned when she glanced toward the surface. Bright orange flashes were streaking across the sky. She knew the meteors were coming with the launch of Sgrub, but it was different to see them in person, so soon after they'd started the game no less.

She tried not to dwell on what a waste all of her plans had been, if there was no planet left to govern. Still, most trolls were off-world. The race would live, even if her insides curled at the thought of a full generation wiped off the map because of a game release.

According to plan, both computer and router were done rebooting and ready to go by the time she reached her hive. All that was left was to reopen Trollian, Sgrub, and the game walkthrough from the far realms beyond time and space. She settled in front of her desk.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] --

TT: Sorry about that interruption. I should be back for the foreseeable future.
GT: rose, what the hell! D: you dropped the load gaper on my lusus!
TT: Is he all right?
GT: i think he's dead. :C
TT: Fuck.
TT: My router was unplugged.
GT: oh.
GT: well i'm glad it wasn't on purpose or anything, i guess, but...
GT: shit, what am i going to do? i don't know how to hunt or anything!
TT: It's all right. We can fix this.
TT: There's a mechanic for merging sentient beings into a game construct. I've had plans to use this on Gl'bgolyb.
TT: As far as I can tell, it's just as effective on the dead as it is for the living.
GT: you mean... it'll bring him back to life?
TT: Yes.
GT: like a zombie?
TT: No.
TT: Though I don't think he'll be quite the same. I'm not sure on that front.
TT: Go fiddle with the Cruxtruder and I'll move your lusus's body when it's ready for the merge.
GT: okay...

She walked him through the last few steps of readying the kernelsprite for prototyping, following her semi-secret game guide by the letter just to be safe.

As far as she could tell, everything went according to plan, but John was frustratingly slow about replying to her with the results as he watched his newly prototyped guardian flitter about him.

TT: Did it work?
GT: well
GT: i guess maybe he's alive?
GT: he's making pretty weird noises.
GT: and is following me around but that part is pretty normal.
TT: Hm. That isn't what I expected. Perhaps that's temporary. I'll look into it.
GT: so what's this timer on the cruxtruder for anyway?
TT: I believe it's the countdown for a meteor collision.
GT: WHAT!
GT: there are meteors heading for my hive????
TT: Don't worry. Once we get you into the game properly, you'll be safe from them.
GT: rose, this game is insane!
TT: Yes, I assumed it would be, considering the description of it I was given included "can teach lusii to talk."
GT: but that's a fun kind of insane!
GT: this is fucking dangerous and i'm getting a little nervous!
TT: It's okay, John. There's not much left to go before you'll be safe. I'll walk you through the rest.
GT: what happens if i just quit?
TT: Well, the meteor crashes into your hive and you probably die. I'd prefer if that didn't happen.
GT: bluuuuh! this game fucking sucks and we're not even out of the goddamn tutorial yet!
TT: I'll get you through this as fast as possible. I think you'll find more enjoyment in the main content anyway.
GT: if you say so. :(

She did her best to follow through with that promise, leading him through the rest of the tutorial with as much haste as she could muster when he kept goofing off and not replying to her messages for five minutes at a time.

She kept catching flashes of a red blur shadowing John, but she couldn't hit the Print Screen button fast enough to view it in detail. She thought she had it, once, when she'd left her finger of the button; the only thing odd that the screen capture showed was broken red pixels hovering in a corner of his block.

John seemed happy enough with his conclusion that it was a "ghost" but, after Rose's unexpected visitor, it put her on edge.

She jumped as her hive trembled. A meteor must have landed closer than usual. She stared up at the nearest overhead window, watching the meteors fly by so far above the water. She shook her head and returned to the computer, startled to find John's chat window replaced by a new incoming message.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GG: hi!!! :D
GG: how is the game going so far?
TT: Honestly? Not well.
GG: aww :(
GG: it will get better soon!
TT: I hope so.
TT: You're certain that turning our lusii into game constructs will enable them to speak with us?
GG: yep!! do not worry that will definitely happen
TT: Good, because I may have inadvertently killed John's lusus.
GG: oh nooooo
GG: i didnt realize that was you :(
TT: Well, it was my Internet giving out, at any rate.
TT: You knew of this?
GG: umm :x maybe!
GG: it is a bit complicated
TT: Just as you knew this game would give me the ability to consult with my lusus.
GG: exactly!
GG: and dont worry johns lusus will be talking and driving him crazy with cuddles again in no time once he enters the medium <3
TT: I'm glad your predictions have been accurate so far. I would feel a bit guilty if I'd permanently orphaned a dear friend.
GG: aw it wasnt your fault!
TT: All the same. I was the one who insisted he play with me.
TT: Jade, you're sure Sgrub marks the end of Alternia?
GG: afraid so!
GG: itll be okay though we will figure other things out
TT: Would this be happening even if we hadn't decided to play?
GG: are you worried about this being our fault? :x
TT: I'm afraid I can't help pondering that, yes. Especially given that this is the populace I'm meant to govern and protect, not obliterate for the sake of entertainment.
GG: well if it wasnt us it would be someone else playing the game and sending off the meteors
GG: it is kind of inevitable
GG: so dont feel too bad!
GG: i mean it is a shame but i am glad my friends will be the ones who live through the apocalypse!
GG: even if that is maybe a little selfish
GG: i like to hope other sgrub teams make it through too!
TT: That would be a nice thought.
TT: Thank you. I might tuck that optimistic belief into the back of my mind while we continue this path of destruction.
GG: no problem! :D glad to help!
GG: is everything else going all right?
TT: More or less. Strider still insists he won't be joining us.
GG: he will come around!
TT: Are you sure you won't save me the spongeache of convincing him and be my server player instead?
GG: nooooo!
GG: sorry im sure it would be fun but i have to be daves server player and john will be mine!
TT: What would happen if you ignored these intuitions of yours and acted as my server player anyway?
GG: umm.....
GG: im not actually sure o__o
GG: but i dont know if i want to find out either
TT: Fair enough.
TT: I need to get back to John before I let him get squished worse than his lusus was.
GG: okay!!
GG: you will do fine dont worry! :)
TT: Thank you.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

To her relief, John had been too busy running around to notice her short absence from his chat window. There wasn't much work left to do, but the countdown was ticking far too fast. In the end, he finished his entry item with only seconds to go.

She smiled when John's hive was upended onto a game-made planet, just like the walkthrough had said. She supposed that meant it was time she could stop watching over his shoulder so closely and get to work on her own self-preservation, especially considering the frequency of meteors flashing past her overhead window.

With a sigh, she selected another name on Trollian.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: John said you sent him a wriggling day gift.
TT: You really do enjoy subverting expectations, don't you?
TG: what can i say
TG: it comes natural
TT: Subvert my expectations and play Sgrub with us.
TG: hm
TG: nah
TT: Is there a reason you refuse to play a simple game with friends for a few hours, or are you just antagonizing me?
TG: that game looks boring as shit and im a busy man
TT: Hm, yes, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff must occupy all of your feeble think pan's facilities. I apologize for not putting that together sooner.
TG: gotta keep up a buffer
TG: otherwise i might run out of pages at an inopportune time and my endless readership will go into sbahj withdrawal without their nightly fix
TG: and where will we be then
TT: Oh dear lord. The IQ levels will skyrocket to dangerous territory.
TG: chaos everywhere
TT: You can't let this happen, Strider. I can't govern a populace that knows how to tie its own shoelaces.
TG: im on it
TT: That's why I can always count on you.
TT: Can I also count on you to play Sgrub with us, like the dependable friend you are?
TG: fuckin seriously?
TT: At least install it before you write it off as "boring."
TG: its probably gonna be like one of those damn browser games that addict you with dullness
TG: you say itll just take an hour but then were up all week watering crops as if it actually matters
TT: If this turns into a farm simulation, I assure you that I will be the first to suggest we switch to Left 4 Culled 2.
TT: (But I swear to god, if you or John throw another flammable fluid bottle lit with a rag in our path on purpose again...)
TG: all right fucking fine
TG: but dont expect a wriggling day gift from me when the time comes
TT: I am perfectly happy to accept this as an early "totally ironic" wriggling day gift.
TG: only so much expectation subversion i can do per friend
TT: You'll run out of irony.
TG: what no
TT: You might have to change your font to a real blood color at this rate.
TG: the fuck no
TT: You are aware that traditionally trolls go anonymous with a gray text color, correct?
TG: i am shocked and dismayed ive been doing something nontraditionally all these fuckin sweeps
TT: All I am saying is that I would not be disappointed to wear your irony thin enough that you change to something that pops out a little less.
TT: You are catching unwanted attention with red font, you realize that?
TG: so?
TT: So if your intentions are to avoid harassment and drones, congratulations. You're subverting your own expectations now.
TT: Your text begs the question even to my mind, what the hell kind of blood do you have?
TG: its the beautiful shade of none of your goddamn business
TT: So change your font to gray and stop piquing interest.
TT: Normally even burgundies aren't culled on sight, but this kind of blatant disregard for the hemospectrum mixed with lower blood could get you in trouble, Strider.
TG: you want to worry about someones font habits you should bug harley about her text
TG: that shit isnt lime its fucking neon
TG: people are going to think shes advertising a club
TT: To be honest, I do wish her text would accurately reflect her blood color, seeing as she isn't trying to be anonymous. I worry sometimes that both of you are in danger of attracting drones.
TG: so hurry up on that becoming empress thing and let up on the culling
TT: I don't think you understand societal pressure and how poorly sudden change would go, even change for the better. I'd have to phase culling out very slowly.
TT: Even if I was empress right this very moment, there's only so much I can do in a culture that regards anyone who stands out with such hostility.
TT: Would you care to hear my carefully laid plans to overturn this toxic mindset over the course of the next hundred sweeps?
TG: yes rose i totally want a whole lecture on politics and mob psychoanalysis
TG: but what happened to playing that dumb game
TT: I knew you'd be begging to play by the time I was done hassling you.
TG: you cunning monster
TT: Get the game ready. I'll keep working with John for now, but I may not have much time.
TT: Contact me when the program is ready.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

A bright orange flash lit up her windows and the water rocked enough that her hive shook. The meteors were getting uncomfortably close.

She heard a psychic cry in the back of her mind. Normally her lusus only spoke in incoherent whispers that she could barely make out from her hive, just loud enough to remind her not to skimp the next feeding time, but this sent a jolt through her. Gl'bgolyb was crying out in fear -- thankfully only in psychic form, but it forewarned an incoming glub.

The water felt cold. All it would take was one more stray meteor, landing just a little too close, and Gl'bgolyb might let out a yell loud enough to wipe out the species. And she had to count on Dave fucking Strider to prevent that.

Chapter Text

A young troll lounged in his respite block, drawing an intentionally shitty webcomic to pass the time as a non-intentionally shitty game installed on his computer. His name was Dave Strider, he lived on the top floor of a communal hive stem in a large city, and he was cool as shit no matter what his friends said.

He wore a red and black raglan with the sideways 69 symbol donned by trolls who wanted to keep their place on the hemospectrum secret. The symbol was supposed to be gray, but he wore it in bright candy red. Not because it meant anything; it was just ironic, going anonymous but using an inappropriate color. It wasn't his blood color, obviously, because that was impossible and he sure as hell wasn't some kind of red-blooded freak. Though that would make the irony that much sweeter. Almost a shame he definitely, absolutely had a normal blood color.

His eyes were supposed to be gray, but they'd changed prematurely when he wasn't quite six sweeps and he hid them behind a pair of shades every waking moment. He would have worn the shades regardless of his eye color though. For one, they were so shitty they came full circle into ironic coolness; for another, his best bro gave them to him as a wriggling day present and there was no way he wasn't honoring that.

His horns were sharp and smooth, just long enough to grab with both hands for a throw, but angled back too much to add a stab to his headbutts, because his body liked to find new and exciting ways to put him in danger. On the upside, his teeth were fucking razors all across the board.

Great fiery fuck, Sgrub was a slow piece of shit. He'd managed to complete an entire comic from concept to colors and the game wasn't even halfway done installing after those three and a half minutes of hard work. There was seriously a second game grub to install? How much fucking hard drive space was this thing going to suck up?

He reached for the client grub to check if it even bothered to include its specs, but even though the packaging sat where he'd left it, the grub itself was gone.

He stared at the empty space for a moment before his gaze trailed across the rest of his desk, then down to the floor in case it had been knocked down, but the damn thing was gone. He knew he'd set it there; why the fuck would he have moved it?

He would have noticed if his lusus had come into his respite block, no matter how zoned out he could get when drawing SBaHJ. If he hadn't misplaced it, and his lusus hadn't taken it, and game grubs didn't come back to life and crawl away last he fucking checked... The skin on the back of his hand was starting to crawl. Maybe it fell under the goddamn desk or something.

Before he could check, a new chat window with Rose opened over his freshly finished masterpiece. She'd probably make him regret it if he didn't reply fast enough, so he tried to shake off the uneasiness regarding the game grub and concentrate on Trollian for the time being.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Are you ready yet?
TG: hang on i cant find the other fucking game grub
TT: Do you have the server grub?
TG: yeah i guess
TT: Then worry about the client grub later. Time is of the essence right now.
TG: awright whatever its already installing
TG: and taking its damn sweet time btw so dont go blaming me
TT: That's fine. I'm sending you the list of items i need you to deploy as soon as you can access the menu.
TG: got it
TG: im in
TG: spying on your hive like an internet stalker checking out your abode and abusing the zoom function
TT: And here I forgot to put away my scandalous materials. Your poor innocent eyes must be burning in their sockets at the sight of my steamy novels.
TG: those covers were never meant to be seen by troll gander bulbs
TG: im blind now
TT: Do I need to remind you that we can't dawdle?
TG: wow this game is so fun and totally not a waste of my time so far
TG: so i can put this cruxsomething and shit wherever right
TT: Within reason.
TG: gotcha
TT: ...And you took that as permission to throw my recuperacoon out?
TG: what? it was in the fucking way
TG: you have your weirdass machine now right
TT: Yes, I suppose that's what's important. Did you read my notes or did you choose the Cruxtruder as the first item to place by sheer coincidence?
TG: i skimmed them
TG: how the hell did you figure out how to do all this game shit so fast
TT: I just observed John play through a successful tutorial.
TT: Why? Were you expecting me to stumble my way through this game? Are you implying something about my prowess as a gamer?
TG: well obviously everyone knows highbloods are shit at puzzle solving
TT: Your information is a little inaccurate. That's only true when highbloods are bombarded by messages from needy anonymous castes.
TT: Speaking of, can needy anonymous castes read notes or not? I need to know if you understand the purpose of the Cruxtruder.
TG: whats to understand
TG: you chuck some shit in and it comes to life like a fucking troll frankenstein
TG: except apparently attributes of troll frankenstein get fused with your future npc enemies
TG: so literal shit would be an ideal candidate for stapling together your frankenstein i guess
TG: wheres your load gaper
TT: You're not touching the toilet, Strider. I have other plans for the prototyping.
TG: holy fuck what happened on the screen why did your hive shake
TT: That was another meteor. We're out of time.
TT: Prototype Gl'bgolyb. I'm moving so your cursor is in the right range for her.
TG: uhh
TG: okay that sounds like a really fucking bad idea
TG: next i can drop the load gaper on your head
TG: or lift up your entire hive and land it in a goddamn volcano
TG: shit im running out of terrible ideas to compare this to
TG: that is how bad an idea this is i am speechless
TT: We don't have time for this. Prototype my lusus.
TG: and give our enemies the power to murder trolls with a yell
TG: dammit rose i thought you were the smart one
TT: Strider, if you don't prototype Gl'bgolyb in the next thirty seconds, you and Jade and everyone else in this galaxy are DEAD.
TT: Prototype. My. Lusus.
TG: fuck all right you could have started with that

To pick up a giant sea monster and deposit it into a glowy ball with the click of a button... Maybe he should have been feeling all-powerful, but it was pretty fucking weird. Shit, that was a disturbing lusus. What was it, twice the size of Rose's hive? He didn't know it was possible for that many tentacles to exist at once. No wonder she was so damn creepy, if she'd been raised by that thing.

He thought he saw movement out of the corner of his eye, but before he could even turn to check a sharp pain shot across the side of his neck. He let out an involuntary hiss as he slapped his hand over it. What the fuck was- His hand came away covered in blood: bright and shiny candy red blood.

He slammed his hand back over the wound, breath catching as he tried to hide any sign of the blood on his fingers or seeping out of his skin. Oh god, oh fuck, oh shit, Jade was going to act as his server soon; she couldn't see into his block yet, could she? His view of Rose's hive wasn't a two-way street, was it?

He could barely keep his other hand still long enough to type a sentence.

TT: All right, the immediate danger posed to our species has been sidestepped.
TT: Now we need the Alchemiter and the Totem Lathe set up before the meteors get closer.
TT: Strider, are you still there?
TG: hang on i gotta get a thing
TT: Strider...
TG: brb
TT: Don't you DARE...

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TT: STRIDER!

He tore for the ablution block, still pressing his fingers hard against the wound. It was just a cut, not even very deep, but the blood had almost seeped down to his shirt by the time he reached a mirror. He leaned over his sink, letting gravity direct the blood away from anything stainable, and ran the cold water on full blast.

He couldn't bandage it properly until the bleeding stopped or else the color would just seep through, but he splashed at the wound until it was clean before shoving a bandage against it. He almost had the panic under control -- no one had seen, no one was even fucking around, even his lusus wasn't there to reprimand him for spilling blood -- until he took another peek at the wound once it finished clotting. That wasn't a freak cut; it was caused by a blade.

Someone was in his hive. He forced his breathing to stay deep and even. Someone was in his hive, they moved fast enough he never fucking saw them, and they knew his blood.

His grip increased to the point his claws almost sank through the bandage, but he needed to relax, needed to focus.

Something moved behind him in the mirror. He turned just in time to catch the tail end signs of a flashstepper.

His mind raced -- give chase or bandage the wound, stop a dangerous intruder or hide his blood, die now or die later -- but six sweeps of instinct won out. He shoved the stained bandage deep into a garbage bin under the sink before slapping on a clean one and taping it over the remnants of the wound.

Confirming one more time that his blood was hidden, he darted back into his block and equipped the sword from his strife specibus.

Someone punched him in the back hard enough that he stumbled forward. He spun around, but the attacker had already flashstepped away. He growled at the block, not sure which direction the fucker had disappeared to.

His cell phone flew across the room and slammed into a horn. His vision went dizzy from the sensation and he slid to his knees, trying not to move his head. He was in the perfect position for an enemy to finish him off, but the only sound from his assaulter was the slam of his door. They were going to retreat when they had him on the floor? What the fuck did they even want?

He cringed and hunched over, trying to massage the tingling sensation out of his horn. His phone was flashing with a new Trollian message from John of all people. With nothing better to do and in desperate need of a distraction anyway, he slid the phone near enough that he could reply.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GT: what the hell are you doing???
GT: you're supposed to be rose's server player right now!
TG: she can wait a sec
GT: no she fucking can't, shit for sponge!
GT: you know what happens if she doesn't enter the medium soon?
GT: bad shit, dave.
GT: bad. shit.
TG: ive got my own bad shit to deal with right now okay
GT: like what?
TG: its no big deal i fucking got this no problem
TG: i just need a fuckin minute
GT: WHY?
TG: some speedy asshole broke into my hive alright
TG: i need to give them a hole in their think pan as soon as they slow down enough i can even fucking see them
GT: is it a ghost?
TG: no it is not a fucking ghost
TG: what is with you and goddamn ghosts
GT: um...
GT: "ghostyTrickster" seemed like a hint.
GT: it is not an ironic username, dave. i know that is hard for you to comprehend.
TG: okay well its still not a ghost
GT: can you ignore it a little while?
TG: no i cant fucking ignore it
TG: this is a matter of honor john
TG: cant let even a ghost think it can waltz into the strider hivehold without a complimentary can of whoopass
TG: highest quality whoopass no less the expiration date is really short so gotta serve it quick before it goes bad
GT: dave, rose could die if you don't hurry!
TG: wait for serious
TG: or is this another prank
GT: look out your fucking window and tell me those meteors are a prank!
GT: this would not even be a funny prank! and you know i wouldn't tell you to ignore a ghost if someone wasn't really in trouble!
TG: yeah i guess thats true
TG: all right fine ill ignore the fucker for now and make sure lalonde gets out of this shit first
GT: thanks, dave.
TG: nbd

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] --

With a cringe, he stumbled back onto his feet. Rose had more than a few harsh words to throw at him when he trolled her, but she brought the chat back to professionalism after a few back and forths. Her hive was shaking worse than ever, enough that he actually felt bad for abandoning her -- not that he'd tell her that.

The spongeache from the assault on his horns had finally dulled by the time Rose's hive was safely relocated to some weird, bright planet of pastel rain. He didn't have time to step away and make a proper scan of his hive for the intruder before another chat window replaced Rose's.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

GG: almost ready? :D
TG: not exactly
GG: ?
TG: for one the fucking client grub went missing
TG: for another i think theres a goddamn thief in the hive or something fuck
GG: oh!
GG: no no no it is just with your lusus!
TG: how the fuck do you figure that
GG: educated guess!! collecting my important stuff is the sort of thing my lusus does all the time
TG: didnt johns stupid hopbeast steal his game
TG: maybe youre thinking of him
TG: dont know how the hell you could get us confused though jade come on
GG: heheh dont worry i wouldnt do that!!
GG: i know johns lusus grabbed his game too but things are very different with his lusus
GG: i mean the poor thing died by load gaper D: that is kind of hard to get mixed up!
TG: wait his lusus is dead? how the fuck did that happen
GG: well sometimes furniture gets flung around a bit too much in sgrub :x
GG: i will do my best not to mess up your hive but there will probably be a mess anyway sorry....
TG: lalonde killed johns fucking lusus
GG: not on purpose!!!
GG: tonight is just kind of a bad night for our lususes
GG: but at least we can prototype them and that will be fun because we can talk to them!!
TG: youre going to prototype yours?
GG: yep!! kind of have to :\
TG: have to
GG: if i want to make sure he comes into the game with me then yes!
TG: will i have to
TG: with my lusus
GG: ummm you will see!
TG: youre being cryptic again
GG: yes i noticed! that is intentional, silly!
TG: its kind of fucking annoying is what it is
GG: :(
GG: well i dont think you are supposed to know certain things yet....
GG: but i will say this
GG: remember that everything will work out and that the rest of us have to prototype our lususes
TG: that seems ominous
GG: yeah sorry it kind of is :(
TG: something happens to my lusus
GG: :x
GG: yeah.....
TG: fucking great
TG: can i stop it
GG: probably not.....
GG: do you WANT more detail?
TG: probably not thats just fucking asking for trouble i figure
TG: getting forewarned of shit before it happens
TG: means i get to cause it by trying to prevent it right
GG: yes probably :(
TG: okay then
TG: time to go face whatever the fuck disasters coming up
GG: i will help you pick up afterwards dont worry!
GG: im rooting for you!!!!! go get him mr cool strider!!
TG: damn straight
GG: damn right! :D

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

He wandered out of his block, not really expecting to find anything. He would have seen if his lusus snuck into his room and stole a goddamn video game.

His lusus was curled up in its nest by the kitchen and- A blur flashstepped away, but for just that split second, it almost looked as if the mystery "ghost" was sitting against the lusus's exposed stomach. The client grub sat safe in its packaging in the intruder's place, untouchable without reaching past the lusus's claws.

No one could get that close to the giant crab without losing an arm. Dave couldn't even get cuddles from the cranky asshole -- not, uh, not that he'd tried -- not unless he was upset enough that his lusus deemed him worthy of comfort. Maybe it was in a docile mood, or caught up in some weird crab hormone cycle that meant it wouldn't attack everything in sight.

Dave swallowed and tried to creep up on it, grab the game and abscond the fuck out of there before- The lusus raised its head. He backed away as it screeched at him, getting to its feet.

"Hey, no, I do not have time for this shit." Dave held his hands up in surrender. "I just need that grub there and I'll go back to my block, okay? We'll strife later."

His lusus gestured wildly at the bandage on his neck, shrieking at him.

Dave set a hand over the bandage even though it was too late to hide it. "Yeah, dude, there's someone else in the fucking hive. And you let them within one fucking inch of you without skinning them, so don't fucking blame me if I can't keep up with them either."

His lusus bellowed at him in its usual "not buying your bullshit" tone and raised its claws.

Dave stepped back. "Aw'right, fine, fuck, we'll go to the fuckin' roof, okay?"

His lusus seemed satisfied with that, letting out a grunt as it dropped its guard, but it waited for Dave to take the lead where he couldn't sneak off.

The sky was almost lit orange with the number of meteors flying overhead as he stepped off the stairs onto the roof, but Dave's attention snapped to straight in front of him as he caught a glimpse of another flashstepped movement.

Jade's warning flew through his mind. He equipped his weapon and moved to block the stairs, acting as a shield to his lusus. He hadn't counted on the flashstepping assailant hitting him so damn hard that his sword broke in half and he slammed back into his lusus. Dave could catch himself by clinging to the railing, gasping from the force of the attack, but his breath stopped as he heard the thundering of his lusus crashing down at least one flight of hard concrete stairs.

Dave didn't move in the following silence, hoping for an angry screech from his lusus and expecting another assault from his mystery intruder. There was nothing. He finally dared to look down the stairs, tensing up even before he saw his lusus lying just outside the door to his hive.

He knew it wouldn't move, but he waited a good half minute in hopes of proving himself wrong before he finally rested his forehead against the railing and groaned. Jade was right to have been cryptic. He'd caused what he'd tried to prevent, just as predicted. He could get the client grub finally, but that seemed like a hollow goddamn victory.

Chapter Text

A young troll napped in her respite block. Her name was Jade Harley and she was the last living lime blood on Alternia. There was nothing special about her blood, no neat powers or anything; it was just a hue highbloods had tried to cull to extinction, which she categorized more as "nuisance" than "special."

Her hive sat deep in a forest far, far from any other hives. It was a great location for lots of gardens and avoiding aggressive trolls. Her only worries came from wandering lususes and she had her large woofbeast lusus Becquerel to watch out for her. It was a little lonely sometimes, but she was used to it and she had her online friends to keep her company anyway.

Her horns sat straight up on top of her head and they were shaped a little like her lusus's ears, to her great delight. She wore a dark shirt with a symbol shaped like a squiggly cane with a vertical line through it. Unlike her fun, bright, deniably "lime" font, the symbol was in the correct yellow-ish green shade of her blood. Who would wreck their very important symbol with a funny typing color?

As far as she was concerned, however, her outfit was a pair of golden pajamas with a moon on the shirt. Normally she enjoyed long naps of flying around Prospit, greeting her carapace friends, and checking on John slumbering in the tower opposite hers, but she knew she'd be waking in a few minutes. She had to get Dave's next message, after he finished mourning his poor lusus, but in the meantime she wanted to watch Skaia's clouds while she could.

Sometimes they repeated scenes she already knew, such as the moment she would enter the Medium with John's help -- ohhh, she did not like that her recuperacoon was missing from her hive in that cloud -- and when Rose would defeat her denizen with considerable effort. She was more interested in the unfamiliar images: Jade sitting with Rose on a rainy planet, exchanging their secrets; John's denizen almost killing him when he would make the mistake of letting his guard down; all their hives built so tall they were mere feet from reaching the final gates...

She studied anything that might be helpful for their game session until the Trollian alert on her computer sounded loud enough to snap her out of sleep. She blinked a few times, always a little disoriented when woken involuntarily, and Bec padded over to nuzzle at her cheek. She wrapped an arm around his neck.

"It's okay," she whispered to him. "No nightmares this time. Only Prospit."

He whined a little anyway, giving her a reassuring lick.

She was really going to miss such calm moments, even though she'd been waiting most of her life for the game to start.

She patted his head as she heard Trollian chime a few more times with the messages she'd woken up for.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

TG: hey
TG: jade
TG: you there
TG: harley
TG: thought you were wanting to get a move on with this game shit
TG: did you seriously go to the load gaper
TG: meteors are falling jade and youre busy taking a piss
GG: oops!
GG: i was napping actually!
TG: so you made the trek to your cocoon for a nap in the middle of the fucking apocalypse
TG: ok that makes sense
GG: no no!
GG: i stayed at the computer dont worry!
GG: i made sure the sound was loud enough trollian would wake me :)
TG: you slept without sopor slime
TG: when did you level up to total stoic badass
TG: behind harleys infinite neon green emoticons is the blood pusher of a stone cold motherfucker
TG: who knew
GG: :O
TG: yeah right behind one of those
GG: o__o one of these?
TG: youve got it
TG: the sign of a true badass
TG: clearly i
TG: have gotta step up my game ～(￣△￣～)
GG: OH MY GOSH O_O
TG: yeah i guess thats too much even for me
TG: ill leave the slime-free napping and emoticon abuse to you
GG: um ok i guess!
GG: i was just trying to prep for the game while i could though, not be a badass
TG: what by scaring yourself shitless with nightmares
TG: guess that makes sense wouldnt want to get caught with a case of the runs in the middle of a delicate operation
GG: ewww :(
GG: i did not even have nightmares let alone a potty break
TG: you dont get the nightmares?
GG: oh sometimes i do! but not very often
GG: i guess i am pretty lucky!
TG: yeah no shit
GG: oh no are they bad for you? :(
TG: nah
TG: i mean i sleep in slime anyway its not like they have a chance to get near me to begin with
GG: yeah the slime definitely makes sure they do not happen!
TG: but you dont always have them even outside of your cocoon
GG: um nope they are usually overruled by ummm
GG: other types of dreams :)
GG: is that weird?
TG: just fucking kind of
TG: you never noticed every other troll in existence except for probably fucking sea dwellers cant get a full days sleep if theyre not rolling in sticky green shit?
GG: ummm
GG: dave you are the one who lives in a city....
GG: i sorta do not know many other trolls! or get to watch them sleep
TG: count yourself lucky
TG: the assholes downstairs sometimes wake up screaming because theyre too fucking high to remember to waddle their wasted asses into their cocoons
GG: oh nooo that cannot be fun to listen to!!
TG: eh sometimes its funny
TG: if im not trying to sleep
GG: :(
TG: anyway i guess the meteors are still falling and shit if thats relevant
GG: oh!!
GG: do you have your client grub now?
TG: yeah i got it
TG: and you were right
GG: about what?
TG: i need to prototype my lusus
GG: oh D:
GG: i am so sorry dave
TG: my damn fault
TG: but whatever
TG: we can fix it at least right
GG: yes definitely!!!!! dont worry!!
GG: you already have the hang of things from working with rose right?
TG: yeah i guess sort of
TG: was only kinda paying attention to that boring shit
GG: oh um well thats okay, i can walk you through most of it
GG: im already installed and ready so let me know when to place your items! :D

Sometimes Jade almost wondered if Dave acted a little too cool. It really would have sped things along if he was uncool enough to care about learning how to play Sgrub, so she didn't have to explain things she was quite sure he must have seen Rose do already.

She explained in careful detail how to procure the Kernelsprite and prepare his entry item, but even then she wasn't sure how seriously he took her. She'd just deposited his poor lusus's body into the kernelsprite when she got a message from Rose.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

TT: Have you started Sgrub yet?
GG: yes! :D i am getting dave all set up now!
TT: Do me a favor?
GG: ?
TT: Make Dave's life just a LITTLE miserable for me as his server player, would you?
GG: heheh aw rose that is mean!
GG: he got you in safely didnt he?
TT: He dawdled and fucked shit up and made a mess.
GG: yes but besides that
GG: your lusus is all properly prototyped and no one was killed by any glubs! that is a pretty decent server player!
TT: Hm. That certainly is a lot of detail that I have not shared with you, Jade.
TT: You know more about this game than you let on, don't you?
GG: maybe :)
GG: you will understand better once you wake up!
GG: besides youre pretty knowledgeable about this too.....
TT: You've caught on faster than the other two.
GG: !!! :O
TT: Perhaps I'll save my secrets for when you reveal yours.
GG: oooooh >:O
GG: okay that is fair
TT: Yes, you have your own share of secrets.
GG: here is a question that is probably fair to ask
GG: how is your prototyped lusus? :D
TT: She is... not as different as I'd like.
GG: still illegible??
TT: No. Just unhelpful.
TT: I assumed she could impart strategies on defeating my predecessor.
TT: The empress must have weaknesses. If I can just exploit them, I should be the first heiress in two thousand sweeps to survive against her.
TT: But Gl'bgolybsprite is insistent that there is no winning strategy. She thinks I'm too weak.
GG: what an unsupportive lusus D:
GG: i hope bec does not secretly think those kind of things about me!! guess ill find out soon...
TT: I shouldn't think so. Your lusus sounds far more loyal than mine. In a way, I'm not really surprised about Gl'bgolyb harboring a lack of confidence in me.
TT: I just thought I could wring advice out of her regardless of her opinions of my prowess.
TT: Hearing various ways to say my goals are pointless gets a bit aggravating after a while.
GG: aww
GG: what does that creepy eight tentacled seabeast know anyway??
TT: Quite a lot, actually. She has limited psychic knowledge of all things before the game and even some basics of Sgrub. Our session is the first uncertainty I've found in her.
GG: well
GG: she still doesnt know everything!!
GG: i am sure you can beat your mean jerkface ancestor!!!!
TT: Is that your own form of fortune telling speaking?
GG: just a hunch!! :) i dont actually know everything either just what the clouds show me
GG: i havent even seen how we win this game
GG: but i am sure we will!!!
GG: just as i am sure you will defeat the empress someday!!
GG: us lowbloods could use an awesome advocate for us on the throne too, so in a way i am counting on you too!
TT: Thanks for the vote of confidence.
GG: oops :x
TT: Oops?
GG: ok you will be happy to know i may have accidentally thrown out daves recuperacoon
TT: Splendid. That does bring me a little relief after all the spongeaches of this game.
GG: you know....
GG: sometimes i think you two are headed straight for a kismesissitude!
TT: Don't be silly.
TT: The power imbalance is too extreme. Besides, he could never hope to keep up with me well enough to be my rival.
GG: whaaaat? nooo dave is awesome!
GG: he is so cool rose! he would be such a cool kismesis!!
TT: He's all yours then.
GG: nooo no no no no no that is not what i meant!!!!
TT: Oh? Perhaps you want him in the flushed quadrant?
GG: noooooooooooooo omg rose!!!!!!!
GG: i am leaving this conversation now and getting back to my server player duties!!
TT: Yes, I imagine you want to spend more time with Strider.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT] --

-- gardenGnostic [GG] unblocked tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GG: YOU ARENT FUNNY!!!!

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

Oh goodness, Jade had never blushed that hard before in her life. She purposefully avoided Dave's messages for a few minutes, only to be greeted with an ocean of red text when she did brave his chat window.

TG: alright now what
TG: ok awesome that is really detailed
TG: i dunno if ill be able to get that all right in one go tho
TG: you might need to break it down into smaller instructions
TG: whatever ive got this rose sent me info on this shit ill just see if its physically possible to thoroughly read it
TG: ok nope no fucking way im choking on the condescension and elitism
TG: be careful of those highbloods jade
TG: you think you can trust them then you turn your back and bam
TG: you have been stabbed to death with fancy vocabulary and polite mannerisms
TG: rose told me "please" once it took me a goddamn week to recover
TG: for fucks sake that shit is spelled "plz"
TG: hand it to a fucking sea dweller to stupidly complicate shit
TG: you know whats stupidly complicated
TG: juice bottles
TG: they never fucking open on the first try
TG: and at first its like whoa fucking weak my grip must be shit i gotta get back on the exercising daily thing and stop being such a lardass
TG: until you realize that not even roses creepy lusus has the strength to rip open that shit on its first try
TG: first you gotta hold it under hot water for sixty two seconds
TG: not a second less not a second more
TG: then you wrap your shirt three times around the cap before its safe to resume the futile attempts to rip it off
TG: and you finish it off with a sledgehammer
TG: but in the end you realize you could have just bought a fucking juice box with a straw instead of a cap
TG: then the straw would rather snap in two than pierce through foil
TG: basically
TG: you can never have juice jade
TG: it is impossible
TG: the juice manufacturing gods have decreed it
TG: no one can sip this sweet nectar without passing five deadly trials of fire and finger blisters
TG: holy shit did you know someone invented a stupid little jar opening tool
TG: check it that shit only costs five beetles on amazon
TG: think i should go for it?
TG: i guess thats a pretty pointless purchase at the end of the world
TG: its cool we can just invent our own bottle openers

Well... At least he was just rambling to himself again and not actually mad at her for going AFK.

There wasn't much for her to do as a server player in Sgrub once the Alchemiter and everything was within his reach -- not until it was time to build up his hive in-game -- so she picked up one of her portable computers, one she'd designed that projected a hologram of her programs around her head as she walked, and just talked to him that way. She needed to grab something.

Bec was always a few steps behind her and nudged her hand a few times until she patted his head.

She climbed down her tall tower of a hive until she reached the ground floor. She opened a chest that contained every object she'd ever excavated that used to belong to her ancestor. She sifted through the journals and old movies until she found the single rifle tucked away at the bottom. She didn't like to use it much, in case of wearing it out, but for the upcoming task, she needed the best, most reliable weapon on hand and her upgraded rifles just didn't always cut it when she needed the feedback and weight of an old fashioned gun. She loaded it before setting it safely in her strife specibus.

She received a message from John before she could start the trek back to her block, so she settled herself onto the floor and replied from there. Bec curled around her.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

GT: hi jade!
GT: i alchemized a portable computer so i can finally talk to you all whenever the hell i want!
GG: you didnt already have one?????
GT: um, no?
GG: shoot i should have gotten in on the ironic gift giving this sweep and sent you a few!
GT: a few??
GG: yes at least three but five is safest
GG: be sure to make something hands off next!! those are extra helpful
GG: maybe a pair of computer glasses
GT: huh, that's a good idea. i'll play with the alchemiter again soon.
GG: so are you enjoying the medium?
GT: yeah it's pretty cool. my lusus is all better, except for having no legs.
GT: i haven't seen that ghost thing since i entered though. i'm pretty mixed on that.
GG: ghost thing??
GT: yeah!! there was this freaky thing that kept moving shit around in my hive. and rose saw a blur on her screen when she was helping me get into the game.
GT: it seemed harmless, but kinda frustrating!
GG: hmm yeah i think i know what you are talking about but i honestly do not know who or what it is either! i dont think it is a ghost though
GT: something jade harley doesn't know ahead of time?
GT: holy shit it's a miracle.
GG: nooo dont go taking up silly religions because of that!
GG: its just that even in the clouds it moves too fast for me to make it out!
GT: ...the clouds.
GG: oh shush!!! you will understand when you wake up! :p
GT: well duh. this is absolutely me messaging you as a sleepwalker.
GG: you will understaaaand
GG: just trust me!!
GG: it makes sense
GT: not to my sleeping think pan it doesn't.
GG: you are not sleeping buster i could tell if you were!
GG: or i could just ask rose to spy on you!
GT: no way! she would never betray me!
GG: HMMMM
GG: yeah she probably wouldnt
GT: that is why she is my best friend.
GG: i thought dave was your best friend
GT: no, he is my best BRO. there is a difference!
GG: what am i?? :O
GT: my best bud obviously!
GG: hee okay i like that
GG: ill be your best bud!
GT: it is a great honor!
GG: as great an honor as having you for my server player?
GT: even GREATER, jade.
GT: oh, wait, am i supposed to do that now?
GG: yes that would be helpful :) im almost done getting dave in
GT: okay, i guess i'll head back to my hive then.
GT: i might have to fight past a few imps, but it'll only be a few minutes.
GT: i'll troll you again when i'm there.
GG: okay!
GG: oh! let me know if you spot your ghost again
GG: now im really curious about it .___.
GT: you'll be the first to know.
GG: thx! <3

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

Dave was having difficulty with his entry item when Jade returned her concentration to Sgrub. There wasn't anything she could do to help, other than reply to his complaints, and it would work out on its own if he was just a little more patient anyway.

Bec stiffened, his ears shooting up before flattening against his head. He launched out of the block, barking wildly as his voice grew all the more distant. She almost wanted to yell at him to stop, but it would be pretty pointless. She knew what was coming.

She equipped her rifle and hurried after him. The barks grew into a barrage of angry snarls as he found whatever had alarmed him, then his voice cut off into a pained yelp followed by silence. Oh no, that was a bit harder to hear than she'd expected. She swallowed and ran into the garden outside of her hive. Bec's body was lying limp on top of half-grown vegetables, lime blood spilling out of a large stab wound in his side.

Poor lusus. He really didn't stand a chance. She readied her weapon, aiming it at the air over Bec, and waited. The intruder moved too fast to see, but her trigger finger was quick and her aim instinctual after six sweeps of practice. Some of her plants swayed, as if rocked by a breeze, and she fired.

The blast of the gun was followed by a strange shriek. It sounded like no troll voice she'd ever heard and it seemed almost robotic, if she didn't know better. For just a split second she saw the silhouette of a figure, hunched over in pain, but they moved away before she could make out any detail. There was no blood, but small orange horn fragments scattered to the ground. They could have come from any horn shape, but they sparked with what almost looked like static or... pixelation. It was kind of creepy and she was relieved when the distortions in the space around them faded away after half a minute.

It wouldn't be a lethal wound, if she only hit a horn, but it had to hurt a lot. It served them right. They were lucky she hadn't blown out their think pans, really! That had been her intention, but at least it looked like they'd been properly scared away. Maybe they'd think twice before trespassing on someone's property and murdering a perfectly innocent guard woofbeast.

Poor, poor Bec. He was so overprotective when she could have looked after herself against an intruder just fine. Oh well. It was a good thing John would be logging in soon to help her prototype the silly woofbeast. She'd have felt bad if he'd been killed permanently.

Chapter Text

John used Dave's wriggling day present as a base to alchemize a large assortment of weapons that even the ironic coolkid wouldn't scoff at, but the fact of the matter was, with only a couple of nights of practice, John was not all that good with his strife specibus.

The strifes weren't too hard near his hive, where Rose could aid him by throwing around furniture, or when there were only a couple of imps nearby because swinging a hammer around was not all that difficult, but he got a little nervous when there were enough enemies that some semblance of skill might have improved his chances of getting out of the horde alive.

At least he had some help from his lusus -- who, for some odd reason, had dubbed himself "Bunnysprite" even though "bunny" was a perfectly nonsense word as far as John knew. Normally Sprites were forced by Game Law to be as vaguely unhelpful as possible, but Bunnysprite was all too happy to jump into frays and smack around any imps that were getting the upper hand against John, once they were high enough level that Bunnysprite could leave the hive and join John in his wanderings around LOWAS.

It wasn't that much different from back on Alternia, really. Any time someone had threatened John when he dared leave his lawn ring, his lusus had come to his rescue. The main difference was that the hopbeast had been more likely to hide John than fight if a highblood was involved (John had had nightmares even in his cocoon for half a perigee after a freak encounter with a purple blood). As a Sprite, however, Bunnysprite didn't hesitate to attack Sgrub enemies regardless of strength -- probably because they couldn't go whine to their sea dweller friends and order a testy cerulean blood culled afterwards.

All the same, there were only so many enemies that Bunnysprite could take at once. During an especially long trek from John's hive, a good thirty imps and five ogres surrounded them and Bunnysprite leapt into the fight immediately, but enemies slipped past him in no time. John tried to defend himself, but he fumbled whenever he wasn't fighting one-on-one.

"John!" Bunnysprite headbutted an imp that had almost struck John in the back. "Use the Windy Thing!"

"What?" John said, swinging his hammer in a wild circle that hit one imp and missed three others.

"The Windy Thing!" Bunnysprite slammed into one of the imps that John had missed. "You're a Hero of Breath, so you can do the Windy Thing!"

"Okay, saying the same two words does not make them suddenly make sense!" John ducked back, trying not to let the imps corner him, but they were coming from pretty much every angle. Oh jeez, and those were two ogres getting ready to charge him from either side.

"John, hurry!"

John gripped his hammer tightly. He didn't have a damn chance against that many enemies with just a normal weapon. He needed that Windy Thing, whatever it was. Something to do with wind, presumably, wind and a thing, or a thing that was wind, or- Okay, that line of thought was not actually helping. He closed his eyes and concentrated. He just needed to use the Wind-

A gust of air shot out around him. His hair and clothes flapped every which way and the nearest imps cringed, some going so far as to back away. With an extra flex of mental muscle, the breeze grew beyond storm levels of wind, whipping even the ogres into the air and slamming them into trees hard enough that they burst into piles of grist. Bunnysprite probably would have joined the whirlwind if he wasn't bound to John's Sprite pendant.

John didn't let the air calm until every imp was either dead or flung far enough away it wouldn't be bothering him again anytime soon.

"You did it, you did it, youdidit!" Bunnysprite tackled John in a hug, wrapping his ghost tail around him. "My little wiggler is the best little wiggler, strongest little wiggler, cleverest little wiggler!"

John groaned, trying not to blush. "Aw, c'mon, I haven't been a wiggler in sweeps!"

"You're always my wiggler, wiggler!" Bunnysprite nuzzled his head against John's nearest horn. "Even when you grow up and learn to defend yourself!"

John let out a quiet huff. Sometimes Bunnysprite was way too overprotective. Which was pretty understandable considering how bad John was at fighting, but still, it was embarrassing. He definitely needed to use that Windy Thing to his advantage. And the hammer, he really ought to get better with that hammer. Maybe he'd ask Dave to train him in combat.

It didn't hurt to humor the silly lusus in the meantime. John snuggled back, glad he was fairly sure Rose could not see him on her monitor.

* * *

Rose's needles sparked with white energy, building up until she elected to unleash it on an approaching ogre. The spell shot through the ogre's head and the monster collapsed to the ground before popping out of existence, leaving behind its spoils.

She had tried practicing spells when she was younger, but discovering a walkthrough sealed in the far reaches of space was her only success before she played Sgrub, before she alchemized better strife needles, before she woke up on Derse and stared into the abyss. She hadn't even been sure magic was real before, but defeating the empress would be a cinch with the abilities Sgrub granted her.

A dozen imps tried to rush her despite viewing the ease with which she eliminated their stronger ally. It took barely more than a flick of her wrist for them to explode into grist.

She smirked and lowered her weapons. "Was that performance satisfactory?" She turned to face Gl'bgolybsprite. "Am I strong enough yet?"

Gl'bgolybsprite let out a long, tired sigh. Her voice was always slow and breathy, as if speaking was difficult even in sprite form. "You will never be strong enough, Rose."

Rose's lips thinned and she aimed a needle-turned-wand at the pastel ocean. One shot of magic made the chalk-polluted water explode at least fifty feet in the air. "Is that not enough to take down a two thousand-sweeps-old witch?" she said as water rained down on them.

It was infuriating how unimpressed Gl'bgolybsprite could look when her face barely showed expression. "It will take so much more than brute force to achieve your goal."

"Strategy, then? Am I not wise enough?"

"Child," Gl'bgolybsprite wrapped around Rose's shoulders, "stop this obsession. You can make a safe haven now. Don't give your ancestor any more consideration and just finish this game."

"This game is nothing more than training." Rose gritted her teeth, trying not to relax under her lusus's gentle grip. "Alternia may be gone, but the empire still lives. There are thousands of ships and colonies left. I can't abandon that!"

"You will abandon it or you will lose yourself in the effort to claim it."

"What if I speak to the Horrorterrors again next time I visit Derse?"

"Don't." For once, there was no tired pause in Gl'bgolybsprite's voice.

Rose raised an eyebrow. "Aren't they friends of yours?"

"They do not have your best interests in mind."

She held out one of her needles in her palm. It sparked with magic. "This wasn't in my best interest?"

"They call that a gift. I call it a lure."

Rose glared. "You think I'd let them use me?"

"Everyone is trying to use you, Rose." G'lbgolybsprite stroked at Rose's back. "Your safest option is to carry the few subordinates you have left safely through this game and abandon the rest of your would-be empire to your ancestor."

Rose shut her eyes, trying to See if G'lbgolybsprite's words were accurate, but her newfound Seer abilities were still too foggy to view that far into the future. "What happens beyond the game?"

Gl'bgolybsprite spoke with more hesitation between syllables than usual. "I don't know. Even Sprites aren't allowed that knowledge and Sgrub has always been my blind spot."

Rose's grip tightened on her weapons. "All right. I'll focus my energy on soundly defeating this game and keeping my friends safe." She stepped away from her lusus, craning her neck to stare at the next gate that her ever-growing hive was so close to reaching. "I'll retrain my focus on the empire only if I can handle this task."

Gl'bgolybsprite let out a disapproving sigh, but she didn't argue.

* * *

The imps were nothing. Hell, they were some of Dave's easiest strife opponents in sweeps. Aside from some grist shortages near the very start of the game that were fast becoming a nonissue, Sgrub posed no challenge until he alchemized a set of timetables.

"I can seriously fucking time travel with these pieces of shit?" he said, equipping them but not quite bold enough to touch their surface.

Crabsprite smacked Dave's upper arm. "Stop sounding so incredulous. You're a Time player, dipshit. Obviously that means you can time travel. But it's also pretty much the Hard Mode of the game, so don't come whining to me if you fuck up."

"Right, I'll just keep it to myself when I inevitably write myself out of existence. Angst internally like a true action protagonist. Maybe shed a single manly tear when Jade doesn't know who I am."

Crabsprite sighed. "It doesn't work that way. You want me to give you the Sprite Guide Tutorial for controlling your Aspect-specific powers? It's a good one."

"Nah, your guides suck nook." Dave dropped the timetables back into his sylladex. "Think I'll just fuck around with it until it makes sense. This is a video game and all."

Crabsprite let out an angry snort and muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like, "Stupid wriggler."

Dave wandered LOHAC until he found a small horde of imps gathered on a gear a small jump below him. Most of them hadn't even received the prototype from Rose's lusus; he couldn't have planned a better set of lab squeakbeasts to practice on.

He equipped his most recently alchemized half-sword and leapt on them, decapitating the closest imp with ease. He meant to go for his timetables next but froze when he saw what had attracted the horde to gather in the first place. There was a pool of bright red blood on the ground, growing wider by the second, and his gaze followed it to its source: his own corpse lay at their feet.

Sweeps of instinct cramped up; his instincts might as well have clutched at their stomach and fallen to their knees in paralysis. The command move move movemovemove screamed in the far reaches of his mind, but it was drowned out by the far closer cry of don't fucking throw up.

He would have been skewered by imps -- fucking low-level imps -- if Crabsprite hadn't swept down and made a protective arc around Dave. His claws sank into each enemy when they dared strike, until they were left alone with a pile of grist and a mangled Dave corpse.

"I tried to warn you." Crabsprite hovered over the corpse and examined it. "He probably timed his jump wrong, practically landed on someone's blade. That's the kind of bullshit that happens when you time travel without establishing a stable loop."

"Th..." Dave swallowed. "That's gonna happen to me?"

"No." Crabsprite's voice was harsh. "This isn't you. It's a Dave from another timeline who fucked up. You're going to see a lot of them until you get better at your time loops." He almost looked as if he was cringing. "You'd better dispose of this. Throw it in the lava or something. I'll take care of the stains."

His limbs were stiff, but at least Dave could force himself to move again. He just couldn't think about it as he lifted the corpse and dropped it over the edge of the gear, watching it disappear into the lava like garbage.

Though he'd managed to avoid staining his clothes, his hands were covered in bright red. He stared at them in a stupor. It was his blood, but it wasn't. It had to be his blood because nothing else bled red, but he was alive, even when he was also dead.

Once Crabsprite finished blasting away the rest of the evidence with his weird sprite powers, he wrapped his tail around Dave's waist. "Hey, it's okay. No one saw." He leaned in and licked the blood off Dave's hands, nuzzling them afterwards. "No one's gonna cull you while I'm around, not even that fuchsia blood."

Dave clenched his hands. "I fuckin' know that."

"Good." Crabsprite unwrapped from him and the softness in his tone was gone, as it should have been.

Dave took another moment to compose himself before daring to set off for more training, under Crabsprite's guidance this time. He would have preferred a boringass farm simulation game to this... whatever the hell it was. The rules were bullshit. Fuck up and die. Fuck up even worse and broadcast his blood color to the world. It was no big deal. He just... couldn't fuck up again.

He found another corpse within five minutes and had to choke down a startled shriek.

"C'mon, get over it!" Crabsprite said, papping his shoulder. "Overcoming personal obstacles is just part of the magic of Sgrub, Dave!"

Dave shuddered, the paps doing shit for all. "I fucking hate this game."

* * *

Jade never missed. She was an expert markswoman and had practiced for too many sweeps to miss. The problem was that sometimes those imps were too darn fast and they made lucky dodges against bullets that should have hit them. The imps prototyped with John's lusus were the worst, but all of the lususes except for Rose's had passed on some pretty frustrating agility. (Rose's just passed on ridiculous defense capabilities, which was its own spongeache.)

She took aim at a hopbeast-prototyped imp a good forty feet away. As she'd come to expect, it leaped out of the way as soon as it heard her rifle fire. She ducked behind a tree before it could spot her. It was almost infuriating how the weak little imps were harder to kill than the big lumbering ogres, at least from afar. If she felt like getting a good ten feet close, even the fastest imps couldn't dodge a bullet anymore, but that was silly; her weapon was long-range and she ought to use it that way. Otherwise she might as well just learn to use her claws and fangs.

She took a deep breath, trying to concentrate on the Space powers she knew were buried in her. She slid out of hiding and took less than a second to aim and fire her rifle a second time. The imp dodged again and she tried to concentrate on moving the bullet but it had zipped out of her sight too quickly.

Internally kicking herself, she fired again, this time keeping her gaze on the tip of the barrel rather than at her target. It gave her a spongeache to even attempt following such a fast object, but this time she had a good enough sense of its location that she was able to teleport it a few feet to the left without losing any of its momentum. It finally hit the imp, earning her a small pile of grist.

She grinned. "Bec! Bec, it worked! I..." She tried not to drop her smile as she turned. Becsprite hadn't even been watching.

He sniffed at the air, his ears twitching as his eyes kept a constant scan of their surroundings.

Jade lowered her rifle. "Bec?" She wandered closer and slid her fingers through his glowing fur. It wasn't as soft as it used to be before he was prototyped, but it was still comfortingly warm.

His eyes softened as he finally turned his gaze on her. "What's wrong, Jade?"

"That's kind of what I feel I should be asking you." She frowned. "Is something going on?"

Becsprite was silent a long moment, staring hard at Jade. "Yes."

She waited for him to elaborate, but instead he raised his eyes to the cloudy sky as if he expected an enemy to swoop down on them.

"Bec?" she said. "Is it something I'm doing?"

"I don't know." He let out a frustrated hum. "I hope not."

She sighed. "Is this what it sounded like to my friends back when I told them what I saw in Skaia's clouds without actually telling them too much?"

Becsprite cocked his head.

She smiled. "Are you allowed to be less vague, or is this another Sprite guide law?"

"It's just... unprecedented." He hovered low enough she could nuzzle against his warm neck. "Something is wrong with this session. Ordinarily it would not be a Sprite's place to involve themselves with this mechanic, but it's... missing."

"What is?" she whispered, not entirely expecting an answer, or not a straightforward one at least.

"This session has no Exiles."

She blinked. "Exiles?"

"It's... complicated. They should guide the players and keep the timeline clean. But for whatever reason, they're missing."

"Are they necessary to winning Sgrub?"

Becsprite considered the question for a long moment. "Not in theory."

She scritched behind his ears, just where he liked it. "You seem pretty worried, Bec."

He let out a very woofbeast-like whine and closed his eyes in contentment. "It's..." He tilted his head towards her hand. "It's just not normal, for a session that isn't voided to have no Exiles. I don't know what it means."

"Well..." She scratched extra hard as she furrowed her brow. "We'll just figure things out and win anyway!"

He licked her nose. "That's what I planned to ensure."

She buried her face in his neck. "Good woofbeast. Best lusus."

Chapter Text

CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board SGRUB Exploration Team.
CTT: I think we're all high enough on the echeladder now that we should discuss long-term strategy.
CTT: Before we finish building to our seventh gates, it is imperative that Jade and Dave work together on LOFAF to produce a "Genesis Frog" for our endgame.
CTT: I'm sending you both more information on how to go about the frog cloning/breeding. Check your emails.
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGG: oh becsprite kind of told me about that!
CGG: but i should be fine on my own :) no need to bother dave!
CTT: Not that I don't have faith in your abilities, Jade, but I'm afraid the Space player needs to be accompanied by the local session's Knight to breed a successful frog.
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: how the hell did you figure that one out
CTG: am i playing this game wrong because no ones given me hints that specific
CTT: Well, I suppose it's fair to explain, since I already told Jade in private.
CTG: whoa what
CTG: you girls have been keeping shit from us
GG: only a little! :x nothing important
CTT: It wasn't relevant for you to know.
CTT: I've been relying on a walkthrough. I found it at a young age, when I was trying to call on sources beyond our dimension to aid me in the defeat of my predecessor, and it's very thorough in its details of Sgrub, though it refers to the game as "Sburb."
CTG: a fucking walkthrough
CTG: so hey
CTG: remember when i was making fun of you for sucking bulge at games?
CTG: yeah vindicated
CTT: In my defense, considering this game risks our very lives...
CTG: so does flarping and no one writes guides for that stupid shit
CTT: AND an entire universe hangs in the balance...
CTT: I feel more than justified for making sure we don't royally fuck up.
CTG: anonymously fuck up
CTG: only royal one here is you heiress
CTT: Go stash it in your nook, Strider.
CGG: hey ive been sort of cheating through skaias clouds all this time! :(
CGG: dont be so harsh on rose when derse players dont even get such a handy little hint guide
CTG: thats different you dont even get a choice on that
CURRENT ghostyTrickster [CGT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGT: wait, so who wrote the guide?
CTT: That's difficult to surmise. It appears to have been magically sealed outside the realms of time and space itself. It may be a player from millennia ago, or perhaps someone who has not even hatched yet.
CGT: whoa.
CGT: and you're sure it's trustworthy?
CTT: It has gotten us this far without inaccuracies aside from the occasional foreign turn of phrase.
CTG: still seems like a dumbass thing to rely on
CTG: especially for something thatll take as long as it sounds like
CTG: you said youre good with the frog thing on your own right jade?
CGG: yep!!! dont worry about me you keep working at that time travel thing
CTT: You're a goddamn time traveler and you're worried about wasting time.
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 4 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTG: yo
FTG: protip
FTG: you dont have to bother interacting with the frogs you need paradox slime from
FTG: just cancel the appearification a split second before its finished
FTG: the machine glitches out and gets you the goop anyway
FTG: there now everyones cheating
CTT: God dammit, Strider.
FTG: suck it walkthrough cheater
FTG left memo.
CGG: so... i guess that means i will see you soon dave?
CTG: yeah pspace has spoken
CTG: thanks a lot future me now i cant be lazy without risking an unstable time loop
CTT: Well at least it's settled and I wasn't even the one who had to needle you into it.
CGT: is there anything i should be doing?
CTT: Just follow your intuition.
CTT: You have a few actions left as the session's leader, but from what I understand they'll fall into place naturally.
CGT: i'm the leader?
CGG: duh john!! :D you were the first one in the medium and youre like our emotional pillar!
CGG: the pep talk master!
CGG: the one who keeps us going when the going is exhausting!
CGT: i don't feel very leaderly though! are you sure rose isn't the leader?? she's the one who knows everything. and bosses people around. and has spent her entire life prepping to be, you know, a LEADER.
CTT: Oh, I certainly hand out the orders. But you are still our spiritual leader, in a way.
CGT: like a friendleader?
CTG: that isnt even a word
CTG: youre inventing a new language again egbert
CTT: I vote it a new word, if it will make John feel better about his position.
CGG: ok!
CTG: i object thats stupid
CTT: Overruled and outnumbered.
CGG: yaaaay friendleader!!!
CGT: oh jeez.
CGT: well, uh. as your friendleader, my first act of duty is to tell you all to listen to rose 'cos she's way smarter than me!!
CTT: See? You make a wonderful friendleader already.
CTG: kissass
CTT: You heard John, Strider. Off to LOFAF with you.
CTG: im only doing this shit because future me fucked us over and made sure i had to
CTG: just so thats clear
CTG: no offense jade im sure itll be sweet to hang with you
CGG: yeah i look forward to finally meeting you irl!!
CTT: Are we settled?
CGT: wait!
CGT: are friendleaders allowed off-topic questions?
CTT: Yes, I imagine so.
CGT: what's with the timeline system on this memo? it goes all dark at the top!
CTT: I'm... not entirely sure. Perhaps it marks the end of the game session.
CGG: i dont think thats it :O
CTT: Skaia prophesy?
CGG: random intuition! it just doesnt feel right
CTT: Well, I'll look into it when I have the chance. The memo system is complicated. Hopefully it's nothing more than a programming error.
CTT: Any last objections before I shut down this memo?
CGG: im good!
CGT: where should i post other off-topic questions?
CTT: You can contact me directly, John.
CTT: I'll talk to you all later.
CTT closed memo.

~~~~~~~~~

"The fuck is this shit?"

Jade spun around. She had heard Dave through voicechat before and in all the slam poetry mp3s he sent her, but it caught her off-guard how different he sounded in person.

Dave poked at the snow with the toe of his shoe, furrowing his brow. "I knew your Land looked white, but this is just fuckin' weird," he said.

"Umm, I think it's frozen precipitation. It's called snow, at any rate! It's pretty fun. You can smoosh it together and make things with it!" She leaned down to sweep up a handful, pressing it into a rough approximation of a ball before tossing it at Dave's hair. "Also, hi Dave!"

Dave didn't even flinch as the snowball smacked him straight in the forehead. He ran two fingers through his bangs. "Thanks, Jade. That is exactly the warm welcome I wanted. How did you guess."

"Oh, like 'the fuck is this shit' is the greeting I wanted from you!" she said with a grin.

"You expected something else?" He frowned and picked at the snowflakes still stuck in his hair.

"Yeah, I suppose you're too cool for a hug."

"Afraid so." He raised a fist. "This is the closest to physical affection I can muster."

She bumped her fist against his with enough enthusiasm that her knuckles hurt a little. He didn't even wince while she had to shake her hand off afterwards. "So cool!"

He smirked. "You know it." He adjusted his stance. "So we doing this frog cloning thing?"

She beckoned him over to the machines sitting just outside of her hive. "John already set up the equipment, so it's just down to us now."

He glanced the setup over -- or she thought he did, but it was hard to tell with the shades. "You figure out how it works yet?"

She nodded and walked him through the basic controls, repeating a little of what Rose had told her and a little of what Becsprite had told her. She finished the explanation with a quick demonstration that netted them a frozen frog.

She frowned. "And that's what happens instead of slime if we don't search each frog out later."

"Simple enough," he said, which she wasn't sure she'd agree with, but then again his Aspect was probably a bit more suited for it. "Fucking waste of time though." He leaned against the control panel. "Do that shit again and let's try out the cheat a future me apparently found."

She reset the controls to aim at a new frog. With a glance at him to make sure he was ready, she set it to Appearify. As soon as the machine glowed, Dave smacked the cancellation button. The frog on the monitor flickered for a moment, but didn't disappear, while the Appearifier only delivered slime.

Jade clapped in excitement. "It worked!"

"A'right, there we have it." He rested his lower arms against the controls, hovering a hand over the cancellation button. "You figure out which frogs we need and I'll take over this sacred, laborious duty of pressing a button."

She grinned. "You're probably better at timing anyway!"

"Yeah, and the others wouldn't like the kind of shenanigans that'd result from a Strider choosing how to make this Genesis Frog thing."

She laughed. "Everything in the new universe would be misspelled!"

He smirked. "And in shit resolution."

They traded more silly theories about how they might influence the Genesis Frog as they worked -- "This thing is gonna be made ninety percent of goddamn vegetables thanks to you, Harley, vegetables and woofbeasts, don't even deny" -- and moved onto conversation with just like the kind of topics they'd talk about on Trollian. Jade hadn't been sure what would change when talking to her friends in person, but she was relieved that it stayed pretty much the same.

Even with Dave cheating the system, it took them a couple of hours to get a little over halfway finished. After Jade told him how much work was left, he shook his head and groaned. "Shit, this would take fuckin' weeks without cheating."

"Good thing future you let us know about this, huh?" she said without taking her eyes off her task.

"Oh." He straightened. "Yeah. I should probably get on that." Trollian lit up in his sunglasses and, though the text was too small and backwards for her to make out, Jade recognized the brightly colored font of the memo.

She aimed the Appearifier at the next frog and paused, waiting for him to finish his messages so he could concentrate. She could almost see his eyes, with his computer-infused shades lit up like that, but the color of his irises stayed hidden. Not that she wanted to snoop! It was just hard not to be curious, especially considering the color of his symbol.

"What's the hold up?" he said as the Trollian window disappeared from the lenses of his glasses. "Need a break?"

She glanced at the monitor. Cloning frogs wasn't exactly difficult work, but it was getting tedious. "No more than five minutes."

"A'right." He stepped away from the machine and stretched his shoulders, rubbing his arms a little in the cold of LOFAF.

She walked around him to stay face-to-face. "I kept meaning to ask, but how long have you been a follower of the Signless?"

"The what?"

"You know, um, the Sufferer?" She gestured at the front of his shirt. "Most of the time his symbol is in gray, but you're wearing it in his blood color, so I assumed you knew more about its origin than most people."

"What? No." He suddenly folded his arms over the symbol. "What kind of freak has bright red blood?"

"Ummm, technically no one is supposed to know, but since we're not on Alternia anymore, I don't think I can get culled for telling you about it!" She glanced around anyway, still not able to shake off the worry that one of the Empress's spies was waiting for an excuse to cull her. "The Signless was a mutant hatched with bright red blood. No lusus would take him in, but he was an awesome badass who survived all on his own! At first he just eluded the drones and did what he wanted, but then one of his friends got caught up in the corrupt government system. So he started amassing followers and led the biggest revolution Alternia's ever seen!"

An eyebrow crept up over Dave's shades, but he didn't interrupt.

"He assassinated a lot of politicians, even some subjuggulators!" she continued. Her enthusiasm faded with each sentence. "Then he and two of his closest followers, including his loyal matesprit, went to confront the empress and... never came back." She frowned and fidgeted a little. "They say he was shackled in cuffs shaped like your anonymous sign and tortured to death. That's why he's known better as the Sufferer."

Dave was silent a long moment. "If this shit is so forbidden, how do you know all about it?"

"Well..." She squirmed and had a bad feeling that he didn't believe her. "My ancestor was the Signless's matesprit! I found his journals. The writing cuts off just before they reached the empress, so I had to glean the rest from really tight-lipped message boards. I could tell you more, if you'd like! Or let you borrow the journals even! My ancestor was a pretty funny guy."

He waved her off. "Nah, I'm good. History's not my thing and, frankly, I think the whole 'ancestor' thing is just bullshit for highbloods to feel special."

She frowned. "I'm not a highblood!"

"So you're an exception to the rule."

"It's not bullshit!" she said, trying not to sound as frustrated as she felt. "The Signless's story used to even be so widespread that his followers bred a lusus that would care for any future little redblooded wigglers!"

"That's not really proof, but whatever makes you feel better about your weirdass cult."

"It's real! Where do you think your anonymous symbol came from if the Signless is fake?"

He shrugged. "Don't know, don't give a fuck."

She brooded long enough to decide whether what she was about to do was actually mean, concluded that it wasn't, then teleported a small pile of snow over his head. Her annoyance shattered at the sound of his startled yipe as the cold flakes fell on him.

She burst out laughing. "S-sorry, things were getting so serious, and it just was too tempting to-" She let out her own startled noise as a snowball smacked her in the back of the head.

Another Dave stood about fifteen feet behind her, a second snowball ready in his hand. By the time she turned to check on the first Dave, he'd already disappeared twenty seconds into the past. The other Dave smirked and tossed another snowball at her. She teleported it away when it was about a foot from her face; it hit Dave in the back of the head instead. She couldn't help giggling again, especially when she caught him grinning back. She thought it was pretty neat that he was so cool, but she was glad he wasn't too cool to play in the snow.

They broke into a series of trying to one-up each other by abusing their Aspect. At one point there were at least a dozen Daves pelting her with snowballs and she returned the favor by dropping about twenty feet of snow on him. She couldn't stop grinning and she had a feeling Dave was enjoying himself just as much, even if he claimed it was just good training.

Their break lasted a good six times longer than the intended five minutes.

* * *

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GT: hey, rose?
TT: Yes?
GT: does your guide say anything about meteor labs with test tube wigglers?
GT: like, eight wigglers?
TT: That is an oddly specific question, John.
TT: Would it be off-base of me to guess that you have discovered a lab full of recently hatched trolls?
GT: no, it would not. in fact that is exactly what has happened.
TT: Well. I shouldn't like to think how they made it into this game.
TT: Perhaps you should cull them to spare their inevitable deaths at the hands of a less merciful imp?
GT: umm, that doesn't seem like a good idea.
GT: i think i made them.
GT: and that they are us.
TT: ...
GT: well like all the signs are calling this an ectobiology lab and i was just pressing buttons and... stuff happened.
TT: Yes, pressing buttons at random sounds like a reasonable strategy.
GT: i felt like i was supposed to! and then these adult trolls came on this screen and every time i pressed the button, this phantom image of them would appear in a test tub and then it turned into slime. one of them was the empress! i didn't recognize the others though.
GT: and when i had gloop for four of them, they each made another slime, and then the machine did a whirry thing and turned all eight slimes into little wigglers.
GT: and the extra four just, um. look like us.
GT: you are a really cute wiggler, by the way. i thought you should know.
TT: Why, thank you.
GT: stop chewing on my shoes, though.
TT: Stop wearing delicious shoes.
GT: never!
TT: A-ha. The guide does in fact mention this, but for some reason they referred to the wigglers as "babies." These are our paradox clones.
GT: oh, okay, they're just clones?
TT: No. The "paradox" part is the keyword here. You were correct the first time; they ARE us. Apparently they will be shipped off on meteors and land in Alternia at our proper hatching times.
TT: I can only hypothesize, but given the presence of the empress, I wonder if the other four clones are our ancestors?
GT: wow, that's kind of intimidating. hi, miss ancestor, i hope i haven't disappointed you too much.
GT: so is it safe to just, like... leave them here?
TT: Given our continued existence, I would guess that whatever comes naturally to you will ensure our young selves' survival.
TT: If I may ask for one more small detail?
GT: yes, i am an adorable wiggler too, thanks for asking.
TT: What a relief.
TT: But I was more curious as to whether you bear witness to a certain Strider's blood color.
GT: umm
GT: weeell, yes.
GT: but...
TT: You do not feel it is your place to tell me?
GT: yes, pretty much that.
TT: Understandable, if disappointing.
GT: it's not what you expect, i can tell you that much.
TT: Oh?
TT: Here I assumed he must be on the lower end of the hemospectrum, but I suppose he could have developed guilt over his privilege as a highblood.
GT: well...
GT: all i will tell you is that he does NOT have rainbow tie-dye blood.
TT: How very astute of you, John. How did you know that was my next guess? I thought I was the Seer.
GT: i guess heirs are pretty good guessers!
GT: it's okay that i accidentally created all of us, right?
GT: because this still strikes me as pretty damn weird.
TT: It's all right, John. I had never quite followed this part of the guide before you laid the situation out like that, but I'm pretty sure this was part of your duty as our friendleader.
TT: Jade is employing a similar method of ectobiology in her frog breeding duties.
GT: oh, okay. i still don't follow, but so long as i didn't fuck anything up, that's good enough for me.
TT: No, John. Making sure we exist is definitely not fucking up.
GT: i'm going to try making my way back to lowas now. it was a pretty crazy ride up here!
TT: Let me know if there are any complications.
GT: okay, i should be fine, but thanks!
GT: wiggler rose says hi, btw!
GT: well, she says "weh weh" but, in my heart, i know that's "hi."
TT: Hello to her and all her wiggler kin too.
GT: i totally told them you said that.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

Chapter Text

CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board SGRUB Exploration Team.
CTT: I don't think I can emphasize strongly enough how lucky we are that we've avoided this scenario for long enough that we could complete the large majority of our quests these past few weeks.
CTT: But Gl'bgolybsprite has warned me that she senses an incoming Vast Glub from the Black Royalty. It matches up with the blackout coming up on the memo's timeline, which bodes even less well.
CTT: As far as I can see, we have two options:
CTT: One, we try to strike at the Black Royalty before they can unleash it, when we are probably far underpowered for it and we may just encourage them to glub sooner.
CTT: Two, my walkthrough describes a process that would allow us to max our levels and break into a new echeladder leveling system... and more or less nullify the effects of the glub on even lower bloodcastes.
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: i sense a catch
CTG: theres no way youd present option one if two didnt have a fucking catch
CTT: Keen observation skills, Strider.
CTT: The process is called God Tiering. It would impart on us far greater abilities and limited immortality. So long as we didn't die Heroically (which we can't deny is a possibility) or Justly (which none of you had BETTER die from), we would resurrect from any lethal damage.
CTG: and?
CTT: And it requires dying first.
CURRENT ghostyTrickster [CGT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGT: what?????
CGT: we DIE to become IMMORTAL?
CTT: Have you seen the rock slab on your planet surrounded by four pillars? It should have a strange symbol on it that represents your aspect.
CTT: If you die on that "Quest Cocoon," you ascend to godhood.
CGT: we're... sure that works?
CGT: i mean that sounds like a pretty damn good power-up, but...
CTG: but we might just end up committing plain up suicide like goddamn morons if we fuck it up somehow
CGT: yeah, what he said.
CTT: I had thought of that. There's a reason I proposed an alternative, as bleak as it is.
CTT: Should we take a vote?
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGG: only if my vote can be "whatever you three decide"
CGG: this decision seems a little heavy to me
CTT: Your input is still appreciated, Jade.
CGG: my input is that this sounds scary as heck!
CGG: but i will do it if everyone else decides it is the best decision!
CTG: shit i dunno
CTG: any objections from our future counterparts?
CGT: ...
CGT: um... how long do we wait?
CTG: uh
CTG: were probably good
CTG: either future us thinks it goes well enough that we dont need forewarned of anything
CTG: or we all die
FUTURE ghostyTrickster [FGT] 20 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGT: well the quest cocoons exist, i can tell you that much.
CGG: it works???
FGT: i dunno, i'm still waiting on rose.
CTG: goddammit john
CTG: contact us again when someones actually tried that shit
FGT: you're the ones asking for a future opinion!
CTG: unless youre secretly another time player maybe wait longer than half a fucking hour before you update us on the future
CGT: hey, a lot can happen in twenty minutes!
CGT: is the future really different, future me?
FGT: no, it's pretty much the same.
CGG: >__> ummm i gotta go with dave on this one!! this is pretty silly john!
CGG: maybe you should get in contact with us after you have confirmed whether or not god tiering turns out all right
FGT: but it's boooooring up here! D:
CTG: dude just bug future me
CTG: ill entertain your bored ass just get out of the fucking memos
FGT: i thought you were probably busy...
CTG: ive always got time for my bro
CGG: heheh time 8)
FGT: pfff, fine, i'll put up with your lameass puns and troll you.
FGT left memo.
CTT: Any comments from a future-future John?
CGG: that would be kinda nice john!!
CGT: i'll get on it!
CGT: probably!
CGT: any time now, me?
CTG: wow dude
CGT: uh... well... none of your future selves are getting in on this either!
CGT: what about you, jade? have you seen what happens with the cocoons?
CGG: well... im pretty sure we dont die! cos there are more things that need to happen first!
CGG: but when it comes strictly to god tiering im not sure what we should expect
CGT: so it... should be okay to try.
CGT: i guess i vote we go for it.
CTT: It would be foolish for us all to try it at once. Is anyone willing to take the first plunge?
CGG: umm jeez i dont know D:
CGG: i guess i can do it if no one else is willing to???
CGG: but i cant say that i really want to....
CTG: dont force yourself to do shit you dont want to jade we dont want you to die either
CGT: yeah, it's okay, jade. i'll do it.
CTG: whoa john hang on
CTG: even jade is hesitating on this and youre just going to fucking run into it blindly?
CGT: well, we don't exactly have a lot of choice. either one of us tries it, or we never find out if it works.
CGT: and as friendleader, it makes most sense for me to play lab squeakbeast!
CTT: You're sure, John?
CGG: yeah it is really okay i can do it!!
CTG: or hell none of us could bother
CGT: if rose thinks it's our best shot, i'm going to have to agree with a seer.
CTT: I fear more for your safety if you forego God Tiering than if you try to fight without it.
CTT: I can't precisely predict the time of the glub, but I don't think we have long.
CGT: then i'm going to find that quest cocoon.
CTT: I'll come to LOWAS and accompany you.
CGG: good luck john!!!! :(
CTG: yeah man dont actually fucking die
CGT: i'll be fine!
CGT: i'll talk to you again after i become immortal!
CTT: The two of you should probably locate your Quest Cocoons in the meantime, just to be safe. Don't kill yourselves needlessly just yet, but wait on them in case of emergency.
CTT: I'll contact you once I've confirmed the Cocoon's effects on John.
CTT closed memo.

~~~~~~~~~

Rose only had to follow her Seer intuition to the top of a large hill on LOWAS in order to find the planet's Quest Cocoon. To her relief, John had beaten her there and sat cross-legged on the stone slab.

He waved as she approached. "Hi Rose! I guess I must be in the right place, if you found it too."

"That or we're equally lost." She smiled as she finished the climb. "I like to imagine we wouldn't both suffer from such an affliction."

He grinned. "Nah, we're both too smart for that, especially you." He scooted further onto the Cocoon, as if making room for her, but she stayed standing. "So what now?"

"If we want to play it safe, you should probably lie down and make sure you're tucked properly on there."

"Okay," he said, frowning a bit. He kept adjusting himself as he lay down, rolling his shoulders and patting the stone in a futile search for a more comfortable position. He finally sighed and went mostly still. "Do I need to do anything special, like use a holy sacrificial sword of righteousness, or can I just throw a hammer in the air and let it smoosh my sponge?"

Rose winced at the imagery that conjured. "The latter would be a rather unpleasant method, but it should be effective if that's your choice."

He stared at the sky. "Well... I can't think of a much better idea. My inventory isn't very lethal."

She wasn't sure she wanted to offer the obvious solution, but it was better than risking that he attempt something dumb. "Would it be too morbid of me to suggest that I do the dirty work?"

"Y'mean kill me?" John said and tilted his head. "Um... You'd probably be better at it than me, so... If you're okay with that, sure."

She nodded and equipped a pair of very long and sharp knitting needles. His eyes widened at the sight and she stepped to the edge of the Quest Cocoon, her gaze aimed into his. "Are you nervous?"

"Well, yeah," John said with a shrug, "but I trust you. Obviously I don't wanna die, but if you say I'll be okay, then I'll just be like, welp!" He threw his hands up. "Go ahead and stab me through the toxin purger, then!"

She smirked and held up her needles menacingly. "Are you quite certain you wouldn't prefer I stab you somewhere that would actually kill you with haste instead of letting you slowly bleed out?"

"Um." He glanced about and looked sheepish. "If you're taking requests..."

She sat next to him. "Yes?"

"I mean," he pressed his fingers together in a fidget, "we don't have to..."

"Spit it out, John."

He hesitated another moment before saying in one breath, "Can you wait for me to fall asleep?"

She blinked. "Of course." She placed the needles beside her and they exchanged smiles. He still looked nervous.

Whether he stayed still or tossed and turned, he didn't seem capable of sleep. It didn't help that he kept trying to chat with her instead of relaxing and keeping his eyes shut for more than ten seconds at a time, but she couldn't really blame him, going by the number of times he complained about how cold and uncomfortable the stone was.

He finally drifted off when she resorted to shooshpapping him. He kept trying to talk even through that, his mumbling growing incoherent with each passing second, until his eyes finally flickered shut and stayed that way.

She only allowed herself to feel conflicted after she was certain he was unconscious. The walkthrough had yet to fail her, but she couldn't See the results of using the Quest Cocoons and that made her hesitant to reach for her weapons. She swallowed and braced herself. If he didn't die by her hand, he would just die by the Glub's. They had nothing to lose.

"Please work," she whispered before stabbing her needles straight through his bloodpusher.

* * *

CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board SGRUB Exploration Team.
CTT: The Quest Cocoon results are inconclusive.
CTT: There was something of a light show at first, but it's since been ten minutes with no difference in John's corpse.
CTT: The walkthrough is infuriatingly vague on this, but if read a certain way, it's possible that John ascended to the battlefield.
CTT: I pray that is what happened.
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGG: well i took a nap and checked prospit and johns dream self is gone!
CGG: so
CGG: so thats probably a good thing! right?
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: that or hes fucking dead and even the dream self went with him
CGG: dont say that!!! D:
CGG: hey future john let us know youre out there!!!
CGG: please dont tell me you dont have time to check the memos!!
CTG: either hes dead and not checking memos
CTG: or hes a god and what kind of a fucking god checks these bullshit memos
FUTURE ghostyTrickster [FGT] 220 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGT: [][][] g[][][]!
FGT: []h[][]??!
CGG: john?????
FGT: [][]'[] []o[] [][][]n[] []h[][][][][]!!
CGG: john is that you??
CGG: what are you even trying to say??? D:
CTG: seriously dude this is even fucking worse than the last one
FGT: [][][]U[][][]G[]!!!!
FGT: [] []u[][][]n[] []r[][][], []k??
FGT: i [][][][][] [][]k[] c[][][] [][] [][][] f[][][][] [][]s[] [][]w!
FGT left memo.
CTG: what the fuck was that
CTT: It looks as if he was contacting us from beyond the timeline blackout.
CTT: Strider, have you been that far into the timeline yet?
CTG: uh considering the vast glub is supposedly coming up?
CTG: no i have not stuck around long enough for that
CTT: Hm. I wonder if this is a side effect of the blackout, or something affecting John's account exclusively.
CTT: I can't even begin to make out those messages.
CGG: so what do we do? :(
CGG: that WAS john right?
CTT: I hope so.
CTT: Honestly... As much as I recoil to say this, I still foresee that the most fortuitous action is to attempt God Tiering.
CTT: Even if the Cocoons don't work, I see no way the three of us can hope to face the endgame bosses without John.
CTG: so either way we die
CTG: thats what youre saying
CTT: I won't force anyone to do something they're uncomfortable with. I'm only offering my insight.
CGG: im
CGG: im gonna try it!!
CGG: im sure there are things skaia showed me that havent happened yet
CGG: so we cant die here it is just not possible!
CTG: if this isnt whats supposed to happen then skaia will just turn it into a doomed timeline
CTG: figure im fucked either way
CTG: might as well be in control of how im fucked
CTT: Please keep me updated.
CTT: I'm... I'm going to wait by John a little while longer, in case the process just takes more time than we realized.
CGG: i understand :(
CTT: Good luck, both of you.
CTT closed memo.

~~~~~~~~~

The name "Quest Cocoon" was blatant false advertising. It was closer to a Quest Giant Carved Boulder, or a Quest Uncomfortable As Shit Mound of Smooth Rock, but Dave supposed those names never would have made it out of PR.

To make the situation all the more frustrating, Crabsprite refused to tell him where the damn thing was, then hitched along for the ride anyway. At least the consorts weren't cagey about where to find it, even if they were annoying as hell in every other way.

Dave lay on his back and refused to acknowledge the ache that the "Cocoon" caused in his torso pillar. "You really can't fucking confirm whether I'm about to kill myself or not?"

Crabsprite huffed, hovering a few feet away and keeping an eye out for wandering imps. "I could give you more hints if you were at the top of the echeladder, but until then Sprite guides have to keep quiet about the Quest Cocoons."

"You're my goddamn lusus. You'd really let me die?"

Crabsprite floated over to ruffle Dave's hair with the side of a claw. "I trust you not to be a fucking moron, wiggler."

Dave narrowed his eyes. "Is that a vote of confidence or condescension?"

"Maybe a little of both."

Dave sighed. He was really not going to miss that kind of cutesy vagueness once they finished the game.

It would have been most efficient to just stick a sharp object into his blood pusher and call it a day, but that was too easy. (Definitely not intimidating or anything. Hell no.) Instead he waited for a future self to pop by and shove a sword through his neck. It beat aiming the blade himself anyway, but it was taking long enough.

"Yo, Crabsprite?" Dave cleared his throat when his voice came out too shaky. "Can you dispose of the body? I don't want someone reaching LOHAC and seeing the red stains before God Tier me can get back here to clean it up."

If Crabsprite was capable of it, he probably would have rolled his eyes. "That's what I've been doing for sweeps, isn't it? I'm not going to stop protecting you here, Dave."

"Right," Dave muttered and adjusted himself. Fuck, the wait was taking forever. If the tension didn't drive him insane, the boredom would.

He gave up on being patient and opened Trollian on his shades. His mouth quirked into a smirk. Leave it to Jade to still have a computer at the ready moments before her planned death.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

TG: hey
TG: harley
TG: you dead
GG: not yet!
TG: cool
TG: me neither
TG: future me is being a tardy asshole
GG: heheh :)
TG: whats the holdup on your end
TG: your lusus not letting you hold a sharp instrument?
GG: umm no not that....
GG: im just kind of
GG: nervous!
TG: what for
TG: youre the one who can see the future
GG: yes but skaia is really picky about what it shows me!
GG: and i never saw anything to do with the quest cocoons! :(
GG: im not sure if this is whats supposed to happen or not
GG: or if it turns out okay
GG: and it feels really weird because ive known so much about everything before this!
TG: welcome to what the rest of us assholes have to deal with on a daily basis
GG: i knoooow but its still weird to me though!!
GG: sorry ill stop complaining :x
TG: its ok
GG: :x
TG: hey jade?
GG: mmhm?
TG: i dont think future me is coming
GG: ???
TG: timeloops only work if im willing to do the time travel to begin with
TG: or if i know itll cause a paradox cos i dont exactly have a choice then you know?
TG: but theres no evidence that this is going to turn into a paradox
TG: so i guess i just
TG: dont ever bother with the assisted suicide thing
GG: :(
GG: i cannot blame you! this is kinda scary!!
TG: i guess so
TG: its mostly kinda awkward
GG: but we still havent heard from john! doesnt that worry you?
TG: nah
TG: thats just like john to keep us waiting like this
TG: hes probably goofing with his new god tier powers so he can show us up when we finally catch up to him
GG: heheh i hope we can fly around like our dream selves!
TG: who knows
TG: hey im
TG: feeling kinda weird
GG: :O
TG: is everything okay on your end
GG: yeah im fine!
TG: weird i
TG: ow
GG: ??
TG: its nothing lets just
TG: fucking SHIT
GG: what?
TG: this really fucking hurjlkaerrljamrla
GG: dave?
TG: fuck i ajkr
TG: AGJIAAKJLG
GG: dave?!?
GG: DAVE???????
GG: dave whats going on???
GG: are you okay?
GG: im feeling kind of weird now too...
GG: did it start as a tingle for you? maybe im just being paranoid!
GG: if you dont reply in ten seconds im jumping off this slab and running over to lohac!!
GG: dave?
GG: okay ill be there in five!! just hang in there!!
GG: D:
GG: bec isnt letting me get off the quest cocoon!!!
GG: bad woofbeast! worst lusus!
GG: dave please be okay!!
GG: im really feeling funny D:
GG: it kinda hurts
GG: but ill be okay!! just let me know youre there
GG: :( :( :(
GG: dave?
GG: i think the black royalty let out the vast glub
GG: we are on the quest cocoons so we should be fine
GG: but im gonna kick your butt if i dont see you god tiered in a few minutes!!
GG: sorrY
GG: i cnt keep typi
GG: hruts

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

Neon green messages filled his vision, but he was in too much pain to read them, let alone manage a reply. Blood poured from his eyes and mouth until his screams were silenced by choking. Crabsprite held him down, whispering reassurances he couldn't hear and making sure he didn't writhe off the quest slab.

The pain was like nothing he'd ever experienced in his sweeps of near-daily strifes. It cut through every inch of his body, inside and out. The only thoughts that could break through his pain-addled think pan were relief that he hadn't turned Trollian's speech-to-text on and a distant hope that maybe Jade wasn't experiencing the same slow death he was.

* * *

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] --

TT: John?
TT: Have you procured time to reply to me yet?
TT: I understand you may have encountered unexpected difficulties upon ascension to God Tier, but I would appreciate a quick head's up that you have, indeed, finished the transition safely and completely.
TT: Please reply as soon as you have the chance. Even one word will suffice.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Strider? I'm beginning to question the wisdom of employing the Quest Cocoons before we absolutely have to.
TT: If you have not carelessly offed yourself already, I would advise you wait.
TT: I saw a flash coming from Skaia. I'm still uncertain as to its meaning.
TT: Dave?
TT: Fuck, you've already done it, haven't you?

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

TT: Jade, requesting status update.
TT: If you have not yet used your Quest Recuperacoon, please refrain for the time being.
TT: If you have used it, please reply ASAP with your story of success.
TT: I can't get in contact with the other two. It's worrying.
TT: Jade?
TT: Jade, ignore my earlier command. Get on that Quest Cocoon immediately, do you hear me?
TT: The Black Royalty has utilized my lusus's ability. I can feel the Vast Glub has already started.
TT: It won't affect me further, but you are in grave danger. The Quest Cocoon may be your only hope.
TT: Jade, for crying out loud, at least confirm you're still alive!

Chapter Text

The pain, and all sensation with it, faded. It was like slipping off to Prospit in her sleep, except it skipped the moment that her dream self opened her eyes. Jade wasn't even fully aware of herself. It was almost serene in its nothingness.

She felt a warmth first, starting from her fingertips and spreading over her body. At first it reminded her of slipping into a cocoon, until she recognized it as her own warmth from being alive. The rest of her senses returned at once and her eyes shot open.

She was floating above the black and white checkered Battlefield. Skaia's clouds passed above her and she smiled up at them in awe; she'd never seen them from below before. It seemed even better, knowing Prospit was somewhere above her.

She flew up a little higher, but there was something off about the sensation and she paused to glance herself over for the first time. Her clothes had changed and there was an extra weight below her shoulder blades. Her eyes went wide. There were a pair of translucent, green wings on her back.

Before she could examine them properly, she heard a familiar voice call, "Harley?"

"Dave!" She spun around -- she already liked the way her wings whipped against the air when she did that.

Dave flew over to her. He didn't have wings, but his outfit had also changed and he pried his hood off.

She met him halfway and caught him in a hug before she could remember he was too cool for those, but he didn't seem annoyed at least. They looked each other over and she could have sworn she saw relief in his features, especially when she caught the outline of his eyes behind his shades.

She burst out laughing. "You kept your sunglasses even after God Tiering!"

He frowned. "Hey, you kept your glasses and no one says shit."

She felt over her face. She was so used to her glasses that it hadn't even occurred to her to check for them, but he was right. "Well, I wouldn't be able to see without them!"

"Right. We'd both be useless without our eyewear."

"You would not." She shoved him playfully and he smirked. "So I guess the Quest Cocoons do work, huh?"

Dave glanced at his sleeves, not looking entirely impressed with the dark red shirt. "Could be the afterlife."

"Nooo, this is the middle of Skaia, silly! You'd know that if you were a Prospit dreamer like me and-" She paused and, by the way he tensed, she suspected a similar thought had occurred to him. "Where's John?"

She flew higher, spinning to get a full view of the Battlefield, and he was quick to join her. He tapped her wrist and took off before she could ask for explanation, but she saw what caught his attention soon enough: there was a blue figure sprawled on the ground a decent distance from them. The closer they got, the more she was certain there was a pool of cerulean blood under it.

Oh no. Oh noooo, that was definitely John and that was definitely blood. His clothes were odd and there were a pair of blue wings on his back, so it seemed safe to assume he had God Tiered, but he wasn't moving. How had he managed to get himself hurt so quickly despite being God Tier?

Just before they reached him, his body glowed in a nebula of flashing colors and floated off the ground. Jade stopped a few feet away, hovering just above the ground as she watched, while Dave landed and raised a hand as if he was tempted to try touching John -- he must have thought better of it, because he lowered his arm.

The light faded and John floated upright, blinking as if he'd awoken too suddenly. Any wounds he suffered were gone, along with the bloodstains. He returned their confused stares for a moment before he broke into a wide grin and flew at them, tackling them both in a hug. Jade squeezed him in return while Dave awkwardly -- wait, no, coolly -- patted his shoulder.

"Oh my gosh, Jooohn, we were so worried!" Jade said.

"What?" John said, almost laughing. "Why?"

Dave gave him a small shove. "Thought you'd bit the dust, dumbass."

"Oh, yeah, I think the Vast Glub happened! Maaan, that hurt." John rubbed the back of his neck as he released them from the hug and he stayed floating at least a few inches from the ground. "But I guess the immortal thing really is true. You're both God Tier now too, right?" He grinned.

"No, John," Dave said in his best deadpan. "I'm a ghost, here to haunt you as revenge for worrying the shit out of us. Except you like that supernatural crap, so this was a poor fucking plan in retrospect."

Jade shook her head. "Nooo, we were just on the Cocoons when the Vast Glub happened! So we God Tiered kind of involuntarily!"

John undid the buttons on his hood so he could pull it off before he turned to make a scan of their surroundings. "Where's Rose?"

"Um, hopefully she'll be joining us soon enough!" Jade giggled. "I wonder what she'll look like! Probably really regal or something."

"No way, she'll be just as dorky and awesome as us." John looked over their new outfits from horn to toe, his smile a little too amused to mean complimentary things. "So where are your wings, bro?"

Dave cocked his head. "I think the real question here is, why the hell do you two have flittery neon wings?"

"They come from God Tiering!" John fluttered his wings. "Maybe yours are hiding on automatic so you can stay anonymous. They're blood color coded so far anyway!"

"You can hide them?" Jade said, flapping hers as well. It never failed to amaze her how easy they were to move, for a pair of brand new limbs, but she didn't see how they could curl in enough to outright hide.

"Yeah!" John turned his back to them to show off as his wings disappeared in a flash of sparkles, leaving only slits in the back of his shirt. Their presence -- or lack thereof -- didn't change his ability to float.

Jade leaned back to get a look behind Dave and he raised an eyebrow at her. She grinned sheepishly and straightened. "Sorry! I just don't think your shirt even has holes for wings."

Before Dave could reply, John flew over to join Jade in her gawking. He caught Dave's shirt by its sides and pulled so the fabric stretched flat, with no folds left to hide any holes, but there were still no slits for potential wings. "Weeeird. Maybe some blood castes don't get wings?"

"Are we done invading the Strider personal space bubble," Dave said, staring straight ahead, "or do I have to call the bouncer?"

John chuckled and released him. "Sorry. At least it looks like you can still fly! That's really fun if you two haven't tried it yet."

Dave looked like he couldn't decide whether to laugh or facepalm. "God dammit, Egbert, did you seriously spend all this time fucking around with your dumb fairy wings? Would it have killed you to take two seconds to send us a message that you were okay?"

John frowned. "Hey, I don't exactly have a computer up here! Figuring out my new powers seemed kind of like the best strategy!"

Jade gasped. "You don't have a computer? John, you were supposed to keep more than one on you! I told you!"

"Uh." John glanced between the two of them. "Check your sylladex, bros."

Jade reached for her sylladex and came up with nothing. Every captchalogue card in her inventory was missing, leaving her without even a single item, let alone a computer. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"A'right, excuse accepted," Dave shrugged, "even if I'm still not convinced you had your priorities straight."

John waved him off, floating up and backwards by a few feet as his wings reappeared. "Knowing how to fly is useful! I can show you some tricks, if you want, but you gotta be careful or we'll run into one of those carapacian armies and that's-"

John cut himself short as the sky went dark. Jade's gaze shot up. She'd never, never seen anything darken Skaia before, but the blue skies beyond the clouds had turned a dark gray like a sea of shadows. It spread across the skyline, the darkness stretching as far as the eye could see, until it finally hit its limit and faded back to blue in a wave.

"What. The fuck. Was that," Dave said, craning his neck to stare like the rest of them.

Jade was about to reassure them that that was definitely not normal behavior for Skaia, but something caught her eye. "Look!" She pointed at LOWAS. A mass of shadows rose from the planet's surface, growing closer by the second.

"I... think it's coming this way." John frowned and watched it a few more seconds. He rose higher into the air. "I'm going to check it out. You two get back to our planets and grab our gear!"

Dave flew to match his height -- though his flying technique was sloppier than John's. "You're going after that thing alone?"

"Well, yeah." John grinned. "I know my God Tier powers better than you two do. Besides, I'm the friendleader, right? So I get to hand out the orders while Rose isn't around and I said get your asses to your planets." His gaze tracked the incoming mass of darkness as it got larger. He flew in the direction it looked like it would land and called over his shoulder, "Also, grab my shit while you're at it!"

Jade floated up to Dave and they exchanged worried glances as they watched John disappear.

"So," Dave said after a moment, a sigh in his voice. "Head to our respective planets, meet up on LOWAS, get back here together, and abuse the shit out of our powers to make it as snappy as possible?"

She grinned. "Sounds good."

They took off, separating as they flew for the gates to LOFAF and LOHAC.

* * *

The other three were gone.

Rose's skin tingled as the Vast Glub died down, leaving her with only a nauseated feeling and the knowledge that, wherever they were, the lowbloods were dead. There were no replies on Trollian, John's corpse was as still as ever, and even the other three Sprites had disappeared as far as she could tell.

She paced around the Quest Cocoon, periodically checking on John or her laptop for updates, always turning away disappointed. The longer she waited, the more her insides twisted. She'd heard whispers from the Horrorterrors ever since she first woke up on Derse, but they were growing so loud that she could almost make out the words.

"Let them go, Rose," Gl'bgolybsprite's tired, worn voice whispered. She had floated to LOWAS not long after John's death, but this was the first time she'd spoken.

Rose shook her head. "No." She had more reasoning than that, but even that word came out too shaky for her liking, so she just swallowed and kept silent.

"You knew it would come to this, someday."

She stiffened. "Bullshit! An empress can extend lives, can't she? They just needed to survive that long!"

"You would torture your friends like the current empress does hers?"

Rose spun on her lusus, fangs bared. "I'm nothing like her!"

Gl'bgolybsprite sighed. "That is what she said, before she became empress, and couldn't help it."

"You think I would be so weak as to succumb to power like she did?" Rose said, a growl rising in her throat.

"It is not about you," Gl'bgolybsprite said, an angry spark in her voice that Rose had never heard before. "If you became empress, Rose, you would be powerful, and you would lead your race to greatness, but you would have no control. He would warp your mind and you would do his bidding."

Rose swallowed another shout. "He? Who the hell is he?"

With another long, drawn out sigh, the fury in Gl'bgolybsprite calmed to her usual tiredness. "An abomination that has always been here. A being that seeks chaos. A master of time."

"Why would I ever serve this thing? I'd never-"

"You will have no choice," Gl'bgolybsprite interrupted. "Your only escape is to pass your shackles on to your heiress, just as every empress forfeits her life to an heiress as her only means to break free. That is the never-ending cycle for a fuchsia blood."

A shiver ran down Rose's torso pillar and the Horrorterrors hissed in the far reaches of her mind. It had to be a lie; the idea didn't even hold up under much scrutiny. All the same, she found herself hesitant to dig deeper, even as she said, "But the current empress has killed all of her successors."

"She is the exception."

"She won't continue the cycle?"

"She intends to kill you and do her master's bidding for as long as she can."

"Then she must have agency!" Rose said, speaking so quickly she almost tripped over her linguistic muscle. "If she were truly a slave, she wouldn't hold on to her position!"

"Rose..." One of Gl'bgolybsprite's tentacles reached out to stroke Rose's face. "She does this to protect you from her fate."

The Horrorterror's voices roared in her hear ducts and she felt their power surge through her as her mind collapsed into a jumble of confusion, fury, and horror. She stumbled backwards, catching herself on the Quest Cocoon before she could fall. Something sticky slipped through her fingers and she snatched them away too late; her palms were covered in cerulean blood.

The entire troll empire was built on a falsehood she was meant to inherit. All of her hatred for the empress was misdirected. Her position as heiress was bullshit and, even if it wasn't, what would the point be if she couldn't so much as protect the three most important people in her life?

A wave of darkness exploded in every direction.

The other three were gone and she was going to destroy the game that killed them.

Gl'bgolybsprite was speaking to her, but the Horrorterrors drowned out the words. The darkness wrapped around her and she felt its power envelope her as her skin glowed and her hair turned white.

Her feet floated off the ground with the aid of the Horrorterrors' magic. She just had to finish the game before the Reckoning and the meteors would never rain down on Alternia. Break the game, break out and back to her empire, and break whoever the hell had their vice grip on the empress.

She didn't even need to use the Gates anymore. She just flew towards the Battlefield on her own, the shadows flittering about her in tentacle-like shapes. Her Seer vision was clouded in shadow but the whispers told her where to find what she wanted.

She was so close to the battlefield that the carapacian army was in sight when a blue figure streaked in front of her, almost flying right past before it stopped right in her path.

"Rose!" John stared up at her with wide eyes and a relieved smile. "Rose, what's going on? Why is your hair all white? Is this your God Tier?"

She froze. John was still alive? Were the other two? Was this a trick? The whispers reminded her that it didn't matter; she still had a purpose to fulfill. "Stay out of the way, John." She swerved around him and continued her descent towards the Battlefield. "I'm finishing this game."

"Uh, what?" Instead of listening, he kept pace with her -- he kept a little ahead, even, so he could look over his shoulder to meet her face. "I couldn't understand that at all."

"I said go!" Her voice echoed and didn't sound like her own. When she concentrated, she didn't even hear familiar words coming out of her mouth. "I'll find you later!"

He still gave her a confused stare, tilting his head. "Maybe we should land somewhere safe and figure out why the hell you're talking all weird."

She growled and charged ahead, but, to her aggravation, he followed even as they came up on the massive battle below. She equipped her best weapons, took aim at the large creature leading the black army, and unleashed one of her strongest spells. It left a small crater, taking out more than a few weaker carapacian, but the Black King had managed to dodge at the last moment. His head -- covered in Gl'bgolyb's tentacles, John's lusus's ears, and Bec's snout -- raised to watch the incoming attack.

"Oh man." John held back, eyes widening. "Look, you really shouldn't take on the Black Royalty without us! Come on, let's abscond and get back to the other two!" He caught up close enough he could reach a hand to her, but she shrugged him off.

She shot another bolt of magic at the Black King and smirked when it landed, taking off a tentacle.

"Rose, seriously, I think this is dangerous!" John shouted, looking anxious as he shot a blast of wind at a group of approaching carapacians. "I'm not even armed right now!"

She swooped down, both her needles alit in the most magic she'd ever held at once. The Black King swung a claw at her but she blocked it with a quick barrier. She dodged to the side, shooting off an ear as she went, before charging in for the kill. Tentacle-like shadows sprouted from the ground and wrapped around the King's limbs until he was nearly immobile, giving her the opportunity she needed to unleash her powered up spell five feet from his head.

The light from the spell was so great that it blocked out her vision. She heard the now-headless giant collapse to the ground in a heap before she could see her victory. She barely had time to smile; her body jolted as a searing pain shot through her torso. Warm, sharp canines pierced through her chest and her vision turned into another white blur.

She hadn't seen the Black Queen approach, but she was a fool to assume she would still be on Derse and far from the King. Bec's jaws ripped through her and, not for the first time, she regretted prototyping their lusii, for all the good it did. She didn't even remember opening her mouth to scream, but there it was.

"Rose!"

The air blasted around her in a tornado, knocking the Queen back long enough for John to swoop in and grab Rose around the middle. Even that much movement hurt, but her voice was too far gone to make another pained sound.

"It's okay now. I'm getting us outta here," John whispered, holding her close as they soared above the battle and shot off for the Gates. He kept murmuring worried reassurances to her, his eyes widening whenever he glanced at the growing pink bloodstains on both of their clothes.

She groaned and her eyes fluttered shut. She was in too much pain to know if she'd blacked out or if he was moving faster than she'd given him credit for, but it felt as if no time had passed as he laid her against a hard, stone surface.

She cracked her eyes open and the dazzling light of LOLAR greeted her. There were four stone pillars around her and she felt the shallow engraving of the Light aspect under her back.

John sat on the edge of the Quest Cocoon, gripping her hand tightly. "It's okay, Rose." He smiled at her and gave her hand an extra squeeze. "I've got you. You're gonna wake up in Skaia and it won't hurt anymore. Really!" He caught his shirt with his free hand and pulled it up high enough to show off where she'd stabbed him. "See? Not even a scar!"

"J-John..." She couldn't get enough air and she still had an echo to her voice, but at least that one word came out right. Her chest hurt more than anything she'd ever experienced. She tugged on his hand.

His smile faded and he scooted closer, finally leaning over until his shoulder rested next to hers. "It's okay." He wrapped his free arm around her front. "I've got you."

She let out a pained groan, her voice muffled by the blood welling up in her throat.

"Shoooosh," John whispered. He papped the side of her head and it felt so relaxing that the fear clawing at her mind calmed to light scratches.

He kept shooshing her until her eyelids fell shut and the pain ended.

The Horrorterrors didn't go quiet until she opened her eyes again. She was floating over the Battlefield again, but thankfully nowhere near the battle she'd just escaped, and her clothes had changed to a bright orange ensemble. The shadows of the Horrorterrors were gone.

A distant voice shouted, "Rooooose!" With a quick burst of light, Jade appeared in front of her and tackled her in a tight hug.

"Jade?" Rose blinked in surprise, trying to take in too many new visuals at once -- Skaia's clouds, Jade's wings, Dave floating over to join them, both their strange outfits, both of them safe and alive -- as Jade nearly squeezed the freshly revived life out of her.

Jade grinned widely. "Rose, I can teleport myself now! Isn't that cool?"

Rose smiled. "And fly, I see."

"Yeah, we all can!" Jade released her and floated around, clapping her hands. "Look at your pretty wings!"

Rose glanced at the translucent pink wings on her back and fluttered them to check how much control she had over them. They moved with as much ease as her arms.

"Welcome to the once dead club, Lalonde," Dave's indifferent voice said but she detected a hint of relief in his expression, what little of it could be seen around his atrocious eyewear.

"Thank you, Strider," she said and didn't mean it sarcastically in the slightest.

A blue blur slammed into all three of them, gathering them up in a tight hug.

"John!" Rose gasped, unable to keep down a smile as she hugged them all back.

Jade let out a startled yipe before laughing and returning the embrace. Even Dave deigned to join them in wrapping their arms around each other. It was the first time all four of them shared a physical space and Rose could have soaked in it for a good twenty minutes if there weren't more pressing matters to attend to.

As John released them, he turned to Rose and held up two fingers towards her. She stared a moment. It hadn't occurred to her to consider him a moirail, yet there wasn't even the slightest uncertainty that it was true. She pressed her fingers against John's, finishing the diamond shape. Jade clapped for them and John grinned, catching Rose's hand in his.

The air lit up in an orange blaze and they all raised their gazes. A swarm of meteors rained down on Skaia, most shooting safely into a portal and disappearing from the game but a few smaller ones managed to leave craters around them. The Battlefield trembled.

"The Reckoning's started..." Jade said quietly, her eyes wide.

Dave rolled his shoulders. "Guess it's time to kick it up and head to the final boss fight."

Rose frowned. "It won't be easy. We should concentrate on strategy and re-evaluating our arsenal."

"Hey, if you could take down the Black King by yourself, defeating the Black Queen will be," John paused for effect with his worst grin, "a breeze."

Jade burst into laughter and Dave facepalmed.

"I wouldn't call possession by the Horrorterrors 'by myself,' but..." Rose squeezed John's hand. "We'll manage."

John nodded. There was so much confidence in that single action that Rose couldn't help sharing in his confidence. "We'll win."

Chapter Text

John was really glad that being a friendleader did not involve coming up with battle strategies, because in the grand scheme of things Rose was a lot better at that than he was anyway.

They'd already recovered most of their gear, and Jade could teleport to alchemize anything extra they might need within seconds, so the bulk of preparations focused on ways to balance their strengths and weaknesses. All four Sprites had found their way to the Battlefield and stayed by their sides, but they insisted they couldn't provide further advice for the Final Battle since it was a fight for the players alone.

Rose kept a steady watch on the sky above them, her frown deepening the longer they waited. When a meteor crashed near them, she called the meeting adjourned.

"Make sure you have the correct weapon equipped and a hands-off computer at easy access in case we're separated." She stretched her wings. "Once we start this, there may be no chances to regroup again."

Dave waved her off. "Right. Doom, gloom, 'n death. Got it, Lalonde."

"Guys?" Bunnysprite interrupted them before they could get more than three feet off the ground. "I know you're in a hurry, but there's still a few hours before the Reckoning finishes and... Can we talk to our wigglers before you go?"

They all glanced at Rose. Her mouth twisted in hesitation, but after a moment's consideration she nodded.

All four Sprites separated as they beckoned for their wards to follow them to relative seclusion. John was so busy glancing curiously at the others that he almost glided right into Bunnysprite.

John pulled up and tilted his head. "What's up, Bunnysprite? You look kinda serious."

Bunnysprite couldn't really smile or make expressive faces like trolls, or otherwise John would have sworn he was frowning. "Well, this might be the last time I see you, wiggler."

"Pfff, no way!" John grinned. "We're not going to lose."

"That's what I mean. Even if you win, Sprites aren't meant to last beyond the game."

John's face fell.

Bunnysprite let out a sad sigh and wrapped his tail around John. "You'll be fine on your own now, John." He licked one of John's horns and nuzzled against him. "I'm so proud of you."

John hugged back and for once didn't have even the smallest pang of embarrassment for holding his guardian. "Thanks," he whispered.

"Go make an amazing new universe, wiggler," Bunnysprite said as he released John.

John nodded and backed away. He glanced at the other three, wondering if their lususes were giving them the same news. Dave and Rose looked somber, but Jade was smiling, normal as ever, even as she gave Becsprite a tight hug. At least they finished their conversations within ten seconds of each other; he wasn't sure he could have handled waiting with Bunnysprite in an awkward silence.

Rose waited only long enough to See their destination before shooting into the air, flicking her head as a beckon for the other three to follow her. "Keep spread out. We don't want to risk making an easy target for projectiles."

John kept glancing back at the Sprites as they flew towards the carapacian armies. He half-hoped they'd just disperse, instead of watching after their wards and reminding him how much he'd miss Bunnysprite, but they stayed where they left them for as long as they were in sight.

"John?" Rose called. She frowned and flew closer to him. "Are you all right?"

He forced his gaze forward. "Yeah! I, uh, was just..." He was okay; he just needed a distraction. "I should contact one of the memos about God Tiering!"

She looked like she was about to say something, but she hesitated and just nodded instead.

He decaptchalogued one of his glasses-based computers and scrolled through the short list of memos. Only one was still open and he clicked it. His spot on the timeline was obscured by the blackout; in retrospect, it looked suspiciously like the shadows that had surrounded Rose when she went grimdark. They'd thought the blackout was caused by the Glub, but it seemed more likely that the Horrorterrors had left a bigger impact than they realized.

CURRENT ghostyTrickster [CGT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGT: hey guys!

Other than a couple random letters, his message sent as blank boxes.

CGT: what??!
PGG: john?????
CGT: it's not going through!!
PGG: john is that you??
PGG: what are you even trying to say??? D:
PTG: seriously dude this is even fucking worse than the last one
CGT: AAAUUUUGH!!!!
CGT: i fucking tried, ok??
CGT: i gotta take care of the final boss now!
CGT left memo.

Wow, that was pointless. Apparently Rose wasn't the only one whose communication was affected when she went grimdark, but at least God Tiering had reset that for her. He didn't think he could God Tier a memo. No wonder they hadn't heard much from their future-future selves.

The carapacian army came into view and Rose halted. John furrowed his brow in confusion until he saw the looming figure that caught her attention: the Black Queen towered above the armies, as tall as the Black King had been, and her prototypes were sharper, more excessive. He could have sworn she didn't have that many tentacles before, or that the canine snout wasn't that well defined.

"Wasn't she a little, uhh, smaller the last time we saw her?" he said.

Rose equipped her needles. "She took the King's Scepter!"

Dave rolled his shoulders before reaching for his strife specibus. "Wouldn't be an endgame battle without an unexpected boss transformation."

"Everyone ready?" Jade said, still smiling as if completely unperturbed by the giant ahead of them. Her hands glowed, the light spreading from her to surround them all.

John exchanged looks with the other two. They both nodded, looking solemn. His best hammer slipped out of his specibus and landed safely in his grip. He grinned. "Let's make this happen."

Jade's light overtook them and they teleported. The sensation was more disorienting than John had prepared for and he spent the first few seconds in a stupor, barely registering that they were past the armies, on the fringe of the main battle, and standing right before the Black Queen. She, at least, wasted no time in starting the fight and it was a good thing she wasn't the only one quick on the uptake.

Dave charged, flashstepping around the tentacles that slammed into the ground on the spots he'd stood half a second before, and Rose threw up a barrier around them. Jade raised her rifle and shot at the tentacles, leaving a trail of bright red marks that were no more damaging on a creature so large than popped blisters.

"John, attack the side opposite Strider," Rose said, "but keep out of her reach as much as possible."

John twitched and blinked. "Right!" He shot into the air, holding his hammer over his shoulder in preparation for an attack.

As soon as he saw an opening, he flew past the flailing appendages to slam his hammer against the Queen's snout. For as satisfying a thump as it made, the strike barely even stunned her. He had to escape high into the air to avoid the fangs snapping his direction. He kept the wind at the ready, waiting for another opportunity to dive in as soon as she stopped watching him like a feathered talonbeast.

Dave was far better at counterstrikes. He didn't even retreat like John had; he just changed his position fast enough she could never keep up as he cut into her arms and torso with his broken sword.

Rose broke down her barrier once she didn't need to protect John and concentrated on offensive spells, hitting the Queen with magic that struck like lightning. Sometimes they would leave bleeding wounds behind, but mostly they left dents at best. She dared to move within the Queen's reach, but wasn't as bold as Dave, probably due to the fact she hadn't mastered the art of moving faster than a gander bulb could follow.

Jade stayed in the back, just firing her rifle constantly and reloading so fast it almost looked as if her bullets never ran out. She sometimes teleported to get at a better angle for distracting the Queen away from Rose or John but she was otherwise the most static of the four. Whenever the Black Queen got too near her, she teleported further back and continued barraging the Queen with ranged attacks.

John made a point of slamming a gust of wind against the Queen whenever she looked too close to hitting Rose or Dave and sometimes it felt like the most useful thing he could manage. He couldn't stay in range long, he just wasn't fast enough to keep up with the endless tentacles, and his hammer never came away with blood no matter how hard he struck. When he wasn't quick enough to dodge, he deflected the Queen's claws with heavily concentrated bursts of wind.

For as many hits as they got in, the Queen didn't seem to be losing energy. John thought he saw her wince a few times, especially when Rose pulled off an especially impressive bolt of magic, but otherwise their attacks were about as effective as paper cuts: maybe they stung and maybe they bled, but they weren't going to bring her down.

John's grip increased. They'd just have to work harder to find her weakness then. Rose called out orders to all of them, usually warning them to watch their backs but sometimes suggesting a new area to target for as little good as it seemed to do.

Even if progress seemed nonexistent, at least no one was getting hurt. Jade was untouchable, Rose had barriers whenever she couldn't dodge, and Dave was so fast that- John stiffened. Dave had cringed. John didn't see him get hurt, but that was definitely a cringe of pain and Dave was absolutely slowing down.

John dove towards Dave and slammed his hammer against the nearest tentacle. "Hey, what's wrong, man?"

"I just... Fuck, it hurts like a..." He stiffened. "Guys, back the fuck off! She's letting out another Glub!"

Rose shot a giant ball of light at the Black Queen. It didn't so much as leave a dent, but it shoved her back enough distance even her tentacles couldn't reach them. "I'll hold her off! Get the hell out of here and don't you dare snag a Heroic Death!"

Just as they'd discussed in their pre-battle strategies, Jade disappeared with a quick flash of light and John snatched Dave's wrist, yanking him away as fast as they could fly. The hold was more for John's peace of mind than anything; Dave was probably faster and would zip ahead of him any minute.

Instead Dave yanked his arm free and stopped even trying to run. He held his hand over his face, as if trying to hide it. His body shook and what little John could see of his expression looked pained.

"Dave?" John said. He felt a tingling sensation traveling up his skin. It wouldn't be long until he was writhing in pain himself. He reached for Dave. "C'mon, let me-"

Dave dodged him. "Go on your own."

John scowled. Oh hell no, that was not what a friend or a leader would do, let alone a friendleader. "You're not far enough away yet, dumbass! If the Black Queen wanted-"

"I'm bleeding, you bulgesucker!" Dave turned away all the more.

John's mouth fell open. "Dude." He caught Dave's shoulder. "I already know your blood's weird."

Dave flinched back. "Wh- You c-can't know, I made sure-"

"I was your ectobiologist, man," John said, rolling his eyes. "I saw little red Davegrub ages ago."

Dave slowly lowered his hand, still inching away from John. His palm was stained red and a line of blood trickled out of his mouth. Even knowing it was there, it was startling to see a troll bleed in the same shade as the carapacians.

John held out his hand. "Let's go, asshole."

Dave hesitated another moment but finally grabbed hold when John shook his arm in impatience. John gripped him tightly and pulled him along.

The further they flew, the more Dave had to lean on him. Dave cringed and grit his teeth, letting an involuntary groan escape as the pain worsened, and even John felt his insides starting to burn. John finally stopped when the Black Queen was a speck in the distance -- in part because it seemed safe that far away, but also because he really fucking hurt and didn't want to move any more than necessary.

Dave collapsed to the ground, trembling and letting out awful noises that John felt guilty for being present to hear. Blood seeped out of his face through his eyes, nostrils, mouth, even ears. John settled next to him and gave his shoulder an encouraging squeeze.

"It- it'll be over soon, okay?" he said, as much for his own benefit as Dave's. "W-we just gotta get through this."

Dave finally went still and the half-suppressed shrieks fell silent. John's insides felt like ice, even knowing his friend's death was temporary. For a moment he thought he was crying, but his fingers came away covered in blood instead of tears when he tried to wipe at his eyes.

Unlike Dave, he didn't hesitate to shriek when the pain got so bad he couldn't even control his body anymore. At least he'd lasted long enough to be a mostly calm comfort to Dave as he died; he wished they'd decided that Jade would just teleport everyone away during the strategy meetings -- they hadn't realized the Glub took Dave out of commission so fast that he wouldn't be able to retreat on his own. It was awful to think she was slowly dying of unbearable pain without even a friend to cling to. Maybe (hopefully) she'd teleported to her lusus.

He really hoped Dave resurrected soon; his corpse was so creepy to die next to. What if it didn't even count as a neutral death? Running away from battle and letting Rose cover their asses couldn't be Heroic, right? (Oh, fuck, Rose had better stay safe, because that definitely sounded like candidacy for a Heroic Death.)

Shit, shit, shit, it hurt.

For the third time, John sank into the abyss of death. He thought he heard the chiming of an old, loud clock, but otherwise he was aware of nothing. He wasn't sure he'd ever get used to the sensation of waking up from nothing.

Dave knelt over John and tried to smirk when John's eyes fluttered open, but it looked awfully relieved for a coolkid. "Welcome back, Egbert."

John sat up, rubbing his forehead to fight off dizziness. All of their bloodstains had disappeared. "Did you have to wait long?"

"A little, yeah." Dave stood, offering John a hand that he was all too happy to accept.

"I guess that makes sense." John straightened and his feet left the ground. "You were fast as shit about dying first; only fair you revive first."

Dave shrugged. "Guess that's what happens when your blood's the moldy scrapings at the bottom of the barrel known as the hemospectrum."

John frowned. "I guess you are below burgundy, but 'moldy' is kind of a dumb way to put it, isn't it? Also ew."

Dave took to the air. "Whatever. Point stands." He waited for John to catch up before he shot off, back towards the battle. "John?"

"Yeah?"

Dave's lips went thin. "Did you tell anyone?"

"No way, man." John grinned. "It's your business that your blood's kinda weird."

Dave nodded, returning John's smile with a small smirk.

By the time they were in range of the Black Queen, Jade had beat them there and teamed up with Rose, teleporting them both around the Queen at dizzying speeds and combining her bullets with Rose's spells.

They rejoined the fray and the battle returned to the same rhythm as before: as far as John was concerned, they were doing a great job in every aspect save for visible results. No matter how many good strikes they got in, or how unharmed they remained, the Queen didn't show even the smallest signs of distress.

"Jeez, Rose, what kinda spells did you use to penetrate the King's armor?" John said as he passed her.

"Spells no troll was meant to wield." She unleashed another bolt of magic -- that slim white light really was nothing compared to the blast of darkness she'd wielded when she was Grimdark. "But this is certainly not going well. Cover me!"

John flew beside her and sent gusts at any incoming threats, only having to resort to using his hammer once, as Rose pressed her fingers against the bridge of her nose and concentrated.

Her head snapped up. "Jade!" she shouted.

Jade teleported closer between shots, her gaze only faltering from its target to glance in Rose's direction.

"Can you grow one of your bullets to the size of a troll while maintaining its original velocity?"

"I wish I could," Jade said, reloading her weapon, "but bullets are kind of really fast and I can only make it so big before it hits its target." The bullet out of her next shot grew a good five times its original size before hitting the Queen.

Rose chewed her lower lip for a moment. "Strider, hang back! John, whip up a tornado and make sure the Queen keeps her distance."

They both obeyed without question, Dave flashstepping over just as John's twister shoved the Queen back and blocked her path.

"Sup, Lalonde?" Dave said, never fully dropping out of a defensive pose.

"We need you to freeze time on one of Jade's bullets after she fires it. Is that possible?"

He cocked his head. "Uh. Theoretically. But that's weird as hell and I can't say I've tried it."

"Then give it your best shot." Rose took to the air with John. "John and I will distract the Queen for now and lure her into Jade's aim when you're ready."

They flew off together, separating as they neared the Queen to flank her and keep her attention divided so there was no chance she could find an opportunity to strike Jade or Dave.

John glanced over his shoulder. A red glow surrounded Dave's hands and encompassed a freshly fired bullet from Jade's rifle, holding it in place. The frozen bullet expanded to cannonball size in seconds and kept going, but John had to turn his attention back on the Queen.

Playing a distraction was a lot easier than attacking outright. It was less disheartening when his attacks did no damage too, since all he was trying to do was keep her away from the other two.

"Ready!" Jade yelled. The bullet was as tall as any of them and it looked as if it was almost too large for Dave to keep under a time freeze.

"Wait for my mark!" Rose shouted. With only a beckon of her head, John knew to follow her lead. They swerved in front of the Queen, luring her to face straight towards Jade's rifle. Rose caught John's arm and they plummeted, falling out of the aim of both the Queen and Jade. "Now!" Rose caught them before they could hit the ground.

The bullet rocketed overhead and struck just below the Black Queen's sternum, leaving a gaping hole through her torso. For the first time in the battle, she let out a deep, pained sound and stumbled.

Rose practically threw John upwards. "John, go!"

Dave and Rose cleared a path through the tentacles -- Rose shooting off a barrage of spells and Dave flashstepping to block any she missed before they could reach for John -- as John shot towards the gaping hole. The worst part was convincing himself to actually take the plunge into the bright red cavern of flesh, but he didn't have time to hesitate. He made a face all the same.

The air was stuffy and it felt like he imagined it must be like to be swallowed whole. Tentacles pried their way after them and, while the Queen would probably do plenty of damage to her insides all by herself that way, he didn't want to get caught in the middle. He raised his hammer straight up, sent the wind in every direction in the strongest gusts he could manage, and flew straight up, through the Queen's bloodpusher and all the way through her think pan until he hit fresh air again.

The ground shook below him as the Queen collapsed. The Scepter rolled out of her hand and she returned to the size of a normal carapacian, almost submerged in a pool of her own blood.

John's grip on his weapon remained a vice and he kept a breeze close in case of a surprise attack. He only snapped out of his tenseness when Rose caught his arm and squeezed it, smiling softly. Jade teleported next to them, clapping in excitement, and Dave offered him a fistbump.

The meteors in the sky calmed and the Black Army dropped their weapons. The Battlefield was a wreck, but the Reckoning was over.

John laughed and gave each of his friends a squeeze. Save for the final task, Sgrub was as good as over.

Chapter Text

Nothing John had ever experienced compared to witnessing the Vast Croak. He watched with wide eyes as the frog Jade had bred grew to almost unfathomable size, glimmering with the lights of billions of stars and planets. The sound was almost too loud to bear, but he couldn't bring himself to cover his ears either; he had a feeling it wouldn't make a difference anyway, as the Croak reverberated down to his bones.

They stood together in silence. They'd changed back to their normal outfits, putting away their bloodstained God Tier clothes and their wings for the time being. The Croak was such a reassuring sound that no one even bothered keeping their weapons at the ready.

As the Croak quieted, a large door in the shape of the Sgrub logo with a glowing doorknob spawned in front of them. The way it juxtaposed with the Genesis Frog left little question that the two were related.

John glanced at his friends, but they all stood back with tired grins on their faces -- even Dave's coolkid smirk looked genuine. Rose nodded to him. John stepped forward and extended a shaking hand towards the door. Excitement welled up in his stomach and his imagination flooded with images of what the new universe might look like.

A flash of light behind him made him hesitate, fingers inches from the door, but the shout that accompanied it froze him in place.

"John, get back!"

John almost didn't recognize the voice. He'd never heard Dave sound so emotional, but there was both volume and panic behind his tone. He looked over his shoulder.

A second Dave had appeared, his timetables still equipped. He wore his God Tier outfit, but it was stained in splatters of lime and fuchsia blood. He breathed heavily and his entire torso shook.

John turned to face him, eyes wide. "Dave?"

"I said move!"

John dropped his arm to his side but only took one step. "What happened?"

Dave clenched his teeth. "Egbert, I swear to-"

His words were drowned out by a screech. It sounded as if a hundred songs were trying to play at once, but they were stuck repeating the first two notes in rapid succession. All five trolls flinched and only the bloodstained Dave managed to keep from covering his ears as the broken sound grew louder.

John dared to glance at the door. It flickered and warped; squares of it zapped away, hung in midair, then zapped back into place, repeating the pattern with dozens of squares. Sections of it flashed the wrong color, changing back to normal for a few seconds before shifting into a new hue. Small blocks of color misted away from the door, flickering into larger sizes for a split second. The entire door shivered with static.

Dave shouted something again, but John's ears were still plugged -- even with his hands as buffer, the screeching noise was unbearably loud. Staticy pieces of the door surged towards John and he was too startled to react, let alone dodge.

The other Dave charged forward, caught John by the back of his shirt, and threw him backwards. The door kept its aim and the bloodstained Dave had replaced John as the nearest target; the static swarmed him. The door shifted to normal, but half of it was broken off, the knob included.

The screeching silenced as Dave let out the most disturbing sound John had ever heard: it was a scream, but it was distorted, like a troll voice combined with a dial-up tone, filtered through an old, broken radio speaker.

Whatever had been happening to the door passed on to his body. Cubed pieces of his anatomy tore off without a drop of blood and the air grew thick with small flickers of static the same color as his clothes and skin. His leg twisted all wrong, like it was made of clay, but he didn't fall.

Dave's screams faltered and he managed to choke out words, but they were even more distorted than his cries of agony. "J(A)d3!;!!" He flinched and his torso split in half for two seconds before combining again. "t__elep0RrRT ththth_thEm a*w@y!"

Jade raised her arms and all of them glowed in a faint light; all except for the bloodstained Dave. "I can't get a lock on you!"

"N0W!" The static spread around Dave, inching closer to the other four.

Jade cringed but finished the teleportation process all the same. In a flash of light, Skaia and the glitched up Dave were gone. They stood in a large metal room, with computer stations lining the walls and a transportalizer pad in the middle of the floor. It looked like one of the labs from out in the Veil -- maybe even the same ectobiology lab John had used.

John stumbled, disoriented from the teleportation, and yelled, "What the fuck was that?"

"Seriously, is this some kind of fucked up secret boss?" For as toneless as Dave's voice was, he looked tense.

Rose gripped her opposite arm as all eyes turned on her. "My walkthrough never reaches the endgame," she said, her expression grim, "but I'm beyond certain that this is not a normal mechanic of Sgrub."

"What now?" Jade said.

Rose was silent a long time and kept her brow furrowed. "We regroup and attempt to assess the situation." She reached for the nearest computer station and booted the machine up.

"Genius, Lalonde. Someone pass her a trophy for most astute observation none of the rest of us could ever come up with."

"There aren't exactly many options to choose from right now, Strider!" Rose snapped. Her shoulders slumped and her tone calmed as she stared at the loading screen. "All I know is that this is an abnormal scenario and I'm... I'm not seeing any possible positive outcomes at this moment. So. For now. We wait for something to change."

John swallowed and even Jade's head dipped. The game had been discouraging more than a number of times, but it gave John chills to hear their Seer sound so hopeless.

"Sorry," Dave mumbled.

Rose just nodded, opening a browser and searching for Sgrub information they knew didn't exist on any Alternian Internet.

They waited in silence, leaning against the metal desks around the room or booting up other computers for lack of anything else productive to do.

"Guys?" Jade straightened, her eyes wide. "Bec's... Bec's pendant just broke." She held out the small white disc with the Sgrub portal etched into it, the same pendant all of their Sprites had given them. It had shattered into five pieces.

Almost on instinct, John reached for his own pendant. He felt it safe and whole under his shirt, but Rose swore as she showed off her own broken pendant. Dave just shook his head as he took his hand away from his chest.

Rose typed furiously at her computer and an overhead screen lit up, showing the view outside of the meteor. With a few more mouse clicks, the screen zoomed in on Skaia: the Battlefield was sparking with static. When Rose abused the zoom capacity to its limit, it finally showed a red blur making its way across the checkerboard. The carapacian armies were slaughtered, the ground around them covered in blood, and the only Sprite in view was Bunnysprite.

The static-covered blur tore after Bunnysprite. For as quick as Bunnysprite could be, he had no chance of escaping a flashstepping Knight of Time and Future Dave's sword tore through him. The Sprite didn't even leave behind a body as it dissolved the same as defeated imps. John's pendant shattered.

"No!" He wasn't even aware he'd shouted until it was out of his throat.

Rose unzoomed the view again, leaving the carnage out of sight too late and replacing the image with an overview of the session, showing every planet except Derse. She shoved away her keyboard and came over to hold John close, shooshing him. He clung to her despite himself.

"Wh-why is he killing them?" For once, even Jade couldn't keep up a cheerful demeanor. "Dave-"

Dave held his hands up. "Hey, hell if I know what the fuck's going on any more than you guys."

"Maybe it's strategic," Rose said, papping the back of John's head. "Or maybe it's senseless. The future Dave seemed aware that the static was dangerous, so I don't harbor optimistic leanings."

John buried his face in Rose's shoulder, then almost jumped out of his skin as his glasses lit up with a new chat window. Rose and Jade both reacted to a new message on their headsets as well. Who the hell was left to contact him when his three friends were already- Oh god.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling ghostyTrickster [GT] --

TG: jjj0/hN?
TG: w#h3r/E i$ evEerrry0n+e?
TG: cCcc)m0n egg-g-gggG##berT :)
TG: a]rRn*T w3 b!e)esT b-r0$ jjj0hnNnnn_n0 D0NT 0h g*0-d 0hg0d
TG: j^0hN iMm s$0 s*0rrrRRy 1m s0rrY i
TG: #-[*^)+_##%
TG: //////////////
TG:
TG: d0N*t h1/d(e br0

"Don't answer," Rose said sharply.

"What?" Dave looked at each of them, frowning. "Who the hell's messaging you?"

"Just our friendly new antagonist." Rose shook her head. "Suffice to say, the username turntechGodhead is no longer safe to contact."

Dave groaned. "The son of a bitch is hijacking my account now?"

John slid away from Rose and removed his glasses long enough to show Dave the conversation on the lens. Dave drew a sharp breath as he read.

"Fuck," he said, his voice barely a whisper.

"Is..." John slid his glasses back in place and kept lowering his gaze no matter how often he tried to stare Dave in the face. "Is this going to be you? Are you going to have to travel back in time and become... that?"

Dave relaxed and shrugged. "Don't worry about it, dude. That staticy asshole is just another Dave from a doomed timeline. He probably saw you get possessed before he decided to fuck that noise and prevent the same thing happening in this timeline."

"Your doomed selves are supposed to die though, right?" John said, not sure he felt so good about wanting any version of Dave to die.

"As far as I can sense," Rose cut in, "this glitched Dave is an exception to that rule. Whatever's happened to him, it's strong enough to overwrite the laws that should doom him."

John frowned. "Are we really sure we can't reason with the, uh... Daveglitch?"

"He killed his lusus, John," Dave said, a dark edge to his tone. "Pretty damn sure he wasn't trying to be cute with those messages he sent you either."

"He wanted me to leave him behind," Jade said quietly. She sounded weird when she wasn't cheerful. John had heard her exasperated or sympathetic on occasion but never quite so somber. "I think he knew that he wouldn't be himself anymore."

John shuddered, both for the Daveglitch and for how close he'd been to being a Johnglitch. If he'd moved just a few more inches and grabbed that doorknob, he'd have been the one slaughtering innocent NPCs and sending creepy messages to his worried friends.

"M-maybe there's another walkthrough and, if we look hard enough, we can find a way to reverse this!" Jade's smile looked forced.

Dave shrugged, looking about as convinced as John felt. What were the chances they could rebuild an endgame door, even if they could sneak past the Daveglitch? They were as good as waiting to die, as far as he could see. Maybe it would take a while for Daveglitch to find them, but there was no way they could fight him if even Rose didn't foresee a chance of victory. The most they could do was mess around on the lab's computers, either to futilely search for answers or to just take their minds off the situation -- it probably wouldn't matter which.

While Dave and Jade both took to computers that sat isolated from the others, John claimed a computer station next to Rose's. He barely paid his monitor any heed and he clutched Rose's hand whenever it was free from typing. She squeezed back, giving him a small but nervous smile.

"What."

John glanced at Dave, whose expression was too blank to read. "What, what?" John said.

Dave stared straight at his monitor. "What the hell is someone doing sending me a piece of shit jpeg right now."

When Rose and Jade looked perplexed -- and it seemed safe to assume neither had sent him anything -- John hopped up to stare over Dave's shoulder. The other two were quick to join him in crowding around Dave's station as he maximized an image file.

It was a mess of scraggly lines, all drawn in bright red. It almost looked as if there was a stick figure attempted within the mess of scrawls and curves, but the only thing that looked recognizable beyond a clusterfuck was a scribble in the corner that might have been the words "TO COOLKID" written with a distorted I.

Rose raised an eyebrow and Jade tilted her head as if the image would make more sense at a sideways angle, but John had a feeling the candy red of the composition was agitating Dave more than the nonsensical nature. Thinking of the color as blood gave it a violent impression. He shivered and hoped it wasn't from Daveglitch.

"Do you know who sent this?" Rose said.

Dave scowled. "Y'think I'd give two shits about this if I knew where it came from? I don't know how to trace this crap."

Jade batted at his shoulder so he'd lean aside enough that she could take over his keyboard. It only took her a few seconds to pull up a couple new windows and type the commands that opened a new viewport on Trollian. "There."

They all leaned in to stare. The viewport focused on a... thing that sort of looked like a mini troll. It had pink-ish skin and an almost orange hue to its hair. It didn't have horns, or claws, or fangs, and it looked awfully squishy and fragile.

"What the almighty fuck is that," Dave said flatly.

Jade frowned and straightened. "I... I think it's an alien from our universe."

"Wow. That's what we created. A pathetic little pink thing that doesn't even have horns."

"To be fair, it does look freshly hatched." Rose peered closer to the monitor, making Dave lean back even more to avoid her. "Jade, can you go a little further into the timeline?"

"Sure, um..." Jade moved the cursor, fast forwarding through the little alien's life until she -- it looked female by troll standards, anyway -- grew closer to their ages. Other than her odd coloring and the lack of sharp bits, she could have been a troll.

"Whoa, its blood is red!" Jade said, pausing near the end of the timeline. "I thought only carapacians had red blood!"

The monitor froze on an image of the alien on a strange planet, different than the bright blue world that had colored her background before. She was a little scuffed up, trickles of red blood running from her cuts, and she carried a cane she used to attack imps. Whoever she was, she'd also played Sgrub.

Rose gasped. "Jade, keep going."

Jade nodded and moved the timeline ahead. The alien vanished from view and the entire window was replaced by static and graphical glitches. It looked just like the distortion that surrounded Daveglitch.

John's eyes widened. "The same thing happened to their session!"

Dave shook his head, his jaw tense. "That's the exact same shit that came out of our door. Y'know, the door that just so happens to be connected to their universe."

John mouthed an "Oh," then said "Ohhh!" aloud as the idea sank in. Oh man, that could not mean good things.

"We should investigate further," Rose said, her voice harsh only like it was when she gave orders. "Jade, can you get a lock on the other players within their session?"

"That should be easy," Jade said with a grin. Shoving Dave aside again, she grabbed his keyboard and got to work typing system commands so fast John couldn't hope to follow. It was a good thing she was proficient with machines, because he was fairly sure none of the rest of them could have straightened up with a triumphant expression half as quickly as she did. "There's twelve of them. Their usernames should be coded into all the computers on this network now."

Rose nodded. "Observe them." She moved to her computer. "Maybe they can show us exactly where that glitch came from."

Jade nodded, peering at the viewport on Dave's monitor for as long as she could before she settled back at her station to open the same window. Dave frowned and decaptchalogued a pair of headphones instead of touching his keyboard.

Mind still swimming, John slumped in front of his monitor. There were twelve new usernames sitting on his chumproll, just as Jade had predicted, and he scrolled through them. It probably made the most sense to start his observations with the aliens' leader, but there was no telling which one was- Wait. One of the usernames was ectoBiologist (though it started as carcinoGeneticist earlier in the timeline). That was handy.

He opened the viewport on his fellow ectobiologist/leader. The alien looked male, though there was no knowing for sure. He had pitch black hair, at least, but his skin was a reddish brown and there were still no horns to be seen in his unkempt hair. He had no lusus in view -- was he an orphan? -- and he appeared to live with a full grown alien.

John scrolled along the timeline, pausing every few months to check for changes. Still no sign of a lusus. The alien really must have been an orphan, with no one to feed him or protect him from highbloods or cuddle him back to sleep after a nightmare. John felt a yearning he couldn't quite place.

The alien almost never smiled and John began to wonder if his species was even capable of it before he caught sight of the adult alien smiling. He supposed the ectobiologist didn't have much to be happy about, orphaned and hornless and fated to play a game that would try to kill him at every turn.

The yearning grew stronger. This weak little alien must have fought so hard to survive on his own, only to fall victim to a game even trolls had difficulty playing...

John had never felt such a strong surge of pity.

He wasn't normally interested in giving orders, but observing just didn't cut it. It only made sense to interrogate, right? Interrogate and maybe make friends. He swallowed.

"Guys?" he said. "I think we should talk to them."

Chapter Text

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 20:12 --

CG: GUESS WHOSE DUMBASS PARENT FINALLY GOT THEMSELVES FUCKING ARRESTED.
GA: Has Aradias Mother Been Implicated After All This Time
CG: I'M PRETTY SURE WE ALL KNOW THEY'D NEVER TAKE DAMARA ALIVE EVEN IF THEY COULD FIND HER.
CG: I MEANT MY DUMBASS PARENT.
GA: Oh
GA: What Transpired That Could Possibly Land Your Father In Jail
CG: SOME POLITICAL PROTEST DOWNTOWN. WHAT THE FUCK ELSE?
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED. THE TV STATIONS ARE PROBABLY TOO FULL OF SHIT TO BOTHER CHECKING.
CG: AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, THE BRAIN-DAMAGED ASSLICKER WENT AND LED A MOB TO THE MAYOR'S OFFICE AND DIDN'T DISPERSE WHEN THE COPS SHOWED UP, BECAUSE HAVE I MENTIONED LATELY THAT MY DAD'S BRAIN IS MADE OF FUCKING COTTON CANDY?

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GA: Karkat
GA: Are You Invisible

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 20:28--

CG: FSJFKNTDM
CG: ARE YOU STILL THERE?
GA: Yes
CG: THE GODDAMN COMPUTER FROZE. I SWEAR IT TOOK LONGER TO REBOOT JUST TO SPITE ME.
CG: WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?
GA: You Were Explaining Why Your Father Was Arrested
CG: UGH, RIGHT.
CG: DAD'S PRIORITIES ARE FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF, THE COPS AGREE WITH ME, THE END, MOVING ON.
GA: Hmm
GA: I Cannot Help But Feel You Are Judging Your Father Unfairly
CG: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
GA: My Mother Has Partaken In A Number Of Peaceful Protests
GA: I Assume You Would Not Spew Such Insulting Phrases At Her If Something Went Wrong At Such An Event
CG: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND MY DAD IS THAT ONE OF THEM HAS DONE RESEARCH WHILE THE OTHER CAN'T FIGURE OUT THAT FECAL MATTER ISN'T EDIBLE. GUESS WHICH IS WHICH.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GA: I Do Not Believe Either Of Them Partake In Fecal Matter

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 20:40 --

CG: THAT WASN'T EVEN FIVE MINUTES! I WILL MURDER THIS DESKTOP IN ITS SLEEP, SO HELP ME.
CG: ANYWAY THE POINT IS
CG: YOUR MOTHER IS A MINORITY IN RACE *AND* GENDER, HAS A PH.D, AND HAS HER SHIT SO WELL TOGETHER THAT SHE GETS PAID TO TEACH COLLEGE STUDENTS ABOUT ALL THE WAYS THIS COUNTRY FUCKS OVER ANYONE WHO'S NOT WHITE, STRAIGHT, AND MALE. MY DAD THINKS BEING IN A MARGINALIZED GROUP MEANS HE CAN DO NO WRONG.
GA: He Just Wants To Bring Light To A Very Important Subject
CG: HE ALIENATES AND INSULTS EVERYONE HE PREACHES TO UNTIL EVEN OUR ALLIES WOULD RATHER STRANGLE THEMSELVES WITH THEIR OWN INTESTINES THAN GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT RESERVATION CONDITIONS.
CG: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN HE TELLS OUR NEIGHBORS THAT THEY NEED TO AVOID STEREOTYPES AND BE A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR THE REST OF THE NATION? OH GOD, WE MIGHT SCARE OFF THE WHITE PEOPLE IF WE DON'T ACT JUST SO, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF US! EXCEPT, OH WAIT, HE SCARES THEM OFF ANYWAY.
GA: I Am Sure He Is Not That Bad
GA: He Probably Just Encounters People Who Dismiss Him Because They Are Too Uncomfortable In Their Privilege To Acknowledge The Problems Your Tribe Faces
CG: IT'S A NATION, KANAYA, NOT A TRIBE AND OH MY FUCKING GOD I'M TALKING LIKE HIM NOW.
GA: I Apologize I Should I Have Known That Distinction
GA: I Am Sure Mother Has Told Me Before
CG: CAN WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT ALREADY? I'M FINALLY AWAY FROM HIM FOR A FEW HOURS. I DON'T NEED TO WASTE THIS FREEDOM TALKING ABOUT POLITICAL ACTIVISM.
GA: Fair Enough
GA: Are You Contacting Me From Some Sort Of Foster Home
CG: WHAT? FUCK NO. AT LEAST DAD'S NOT DUMB ENOUGH TO TELL ANYONE I EXIST.
GA: What
GA: Do I Understand Correctly That You Are Home Alone Until Your Fathers Bail Is Posted
CG: HE'LL PROBABLY BE BACK TOMORROW.
GA: Probably
CG: LATE TOMORROW WITH ANY LUCK.
GA: That Is Troubling
CG: IT IS A FUCKING GODSEND.
CG: I'M STAYING UP PAST MIDNIGHT AND SKIPPING SCHOOL. IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL.
GA: I Would Advise Against That
GA: In Fact I Would Advise Locating Your Nearest Family Member If You Are Uncomfortable Approaching The Police For Assistance
CG: WHY IS THIS A BIG DEAL? SOLLUX GOES FUCKING DAYS WITHOUT SEEING HIS BRO ALL THE TIME.
GA: Piloting An Airplane And Sitting In Jail Are Two Very Different Things

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GA: Sigh
GA: Oh

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 21:05 --

CG: WHAT? WHAT DID I MISS IN THE FIFTEEN MINUTES THIS SLOTH OF A GLORIFIED TOASTER TOOK TO TURN BACK ON?
GA: I Have Found Video Coverage Of This Protest Your Father Participated In
GA: He Is
GA: How To Put This
GA: Quite Passionate But Severely Misguided Isnt He
GA: In Fact He Almost Sounds As If He's On The Side Of The Oppressors For The Number Of Times He Scolds Marginalized Groups And Tiptoes Around Insulting Any Majority Groups
CG: DO I REALLY HAVE TO STOOP TO "I TOLD YOU SO"?
GA: I Apologize For My Earlier Disbelief
GA: However In My Defense His Supposed Cause Truly Is Important
GA: And You Do Tend To Exaggerate Matters
CG: IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY, APPARENTLY.
GA: I Sincerely Hope He Has Not Passed His Fashion Sense On To You As Well
CG: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOW DO YOU EVEN NOTICE HIS SHITASS CLOTHES OVER THE CHEESE GRATER ON THE BRAIN THAT IS HIS VOICE?
GA: How High Does He Wear Those Pants Exactly
CG: WHAT HAPPENED TO "You Are Judging Your Father Unfairly"? IT'S NOT LIKE GOODWILL REGULARLY STOCKS RALPH FUCKING LAUREN.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GA: I Apologize That Is A Fair Point
GA: Your Computer Really Is Being Especially Antagonistic Today Isnt It

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 21:25 --

CG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
CG: THIS
CG: COMPUTER!!!
CG: THIS MACHINE IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF MOLDING, FESTERING, BLEEDING SHIT ANY CONSTRUCTION SITE PORTA-POTTY HAS EVER SEEN!!!!!
CG: IT BELONGS IN THE TOILET FROM ****HELL****!!!!!!!!!
CG: BUT THE DEVIL DIDN'T WANT IT, SO HE SENT IT TO ME IN HOPES OF DRIVING ME SO MAD I'D SLIT MY FUCKING THROAT WITH A PENCIL!!!
GA: You Appear Stressed
GA: Perhaps It Is In Your Best Emotional Interest To Turn In Early
CG: FUCK THAT SHIT! I'M STAYING UP UNTIL THE SUN RISES AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GUILT ME OTHERWISE!
GA: Have You At Least Had A Proper Dinner
CG: THE EMPTY STATE OF MY KITCHEN IS NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!!!
GA: Karkat
GA: I Asked About Dinner In General
GA: After Your Response I Am Afraid I Must Entertain A Much More Worrisome Thought
GA: Do You Have Food In Your House
CG: YOU'RE MEDDLING AGAIN.
GA: You Are Dodging The Question
CG: RRRRGH.
CG: THERE'S HALF A STICK OF BUTTER IN THE FRIDGE, OKAY? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR? IS YOUR NOSINESS SATISFIED?
GA: Is This A Normal State For Your Kitchen
CG: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WHEN THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS HOUSE OLD ENOUGH FOR EMPLOYMENT SPENDS ALL THEIR TIME PICKETING STUPID POLITICAL GARBAGE?
GA: No Wonder You Are So Agitated Tonight
GA: I Am Ordering You Delivery
CG: WHAT NO
GA: And Why Not
CG: BECAUSE
CG: DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT. JUST DON'T ORDER ANYTHING.
GA: Hmm Jimmy Johns Would Be The Healthier Option But I Feel This Situation Calls For The Wild Abandon Of Nutritional Value
CG: STOP IT.
GA: Perhaps Pizza Hut
CG: KANAYA, DON'T.
GA: Do You Prefer Sausage Or Pepperoni
CG: I CAN'T PAY YOU BACK.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GA: Oh Dear

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 21:43 --

CG: FUCK THIS COMPUTER WITH A RUSTY, SHARPENED, SHITCOVERED FORK!!!
CG: I GIVE UP. I'M SIGNING OFF BEFORE IT CAN FREEZE AGAIN.
CG: MAYBE I'LL DO SOMETHING MORE PRODUCTIVE FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT THAN WRESTLING WITH SHITTYASS COMPUTERS. LIKE SLAMMING MY HEAD INTO BROKEN GLASS.
GA: That May Be For The Best
GA: Do Look After Yourself
GA: The Pizza Should Be There Within Twenty Minutes I Covered Everything Including Tip
CG: GODDAMMIT.
GA: I Am Not Expecting Reimbursement If That Troubles You
CG: I AM SCUM AND I DON'T DESERVE YOUR FRIENDSHIP.
GA: You Are A Fantastic If Vulgar And Overly Enthusiastic Friend And I Will Not Hear Otherwise
GA: Please Contact Me By Whatever Means Necessary If Your Father Does Not Return By This Time Tomorrow
CG: FINE. BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE FEEDING ME.
CG: ...THANKS, KANAYA.
CG: AND SORRY.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 21:46 --

* * *

-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] began pestering adiosToreador [AT] at 15:39 --

CC: H---ELLO!! 38D
AT: oH, hELLO,
AT: sORRY, i WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION, aND i DIDN'T NOTICE YOU SIGN ON,
AT: iT'S, uH, bEEN A WHILE AND i GUESS i WASN'T EXPECTING TO SEE YOU,,,
CC: Don't apologize! I )(ave been offline a W)(IL-E, )(aven't I?
AT: yES, a FEW WEEKS, aS FAR AS I COULD TELL,
AT: i WAS A LITTLE WORRIED, wHEN YOU WERE GONE THAT LONG,,,
AT: wERE YOU OKAY?
CC: Y---EP! Sorry about t)(at! I just )(ad a bunc)( of filming to do and Mumsy took me on a SURPRIS-E TRIP afterwards! T)(en I was SWAMP-ED wit)( interviews when we got back!
AT: oH, gOOD, i AM GLAD, tHAT YOU ARE WELL, aND HOPEFULLY THAT YOU HAD A GOOD TRIP,
CC: It was fintastic mostly! Too bad Mumsy )(ad to tag along! I was doing a great job )(iding from cameras, until Mumsy blew our cover! S)(e just LOV-ES the glubbing attention. 3>8(
CC: I t)(ink s)(e knows s)(e wouldn't get that muc)( coverage on )(er own anymore. But it's not like s)(e's a )(as-been eit)(er, so s)(e s)(ould learn to suck it up and accept t)(e attention s)(e attracts WIT)(OUT )(er daug)(ter!
AT: yES, tHAT SOUNDS VERY SELFISH OF HER,
AT: iF YOU DO NOT MIND MY SAYING SO,
CC: Of course I don't mind! 38) But enoug)( about M-E! How are YOU?
AT: oH, i AM
AT: tHE SAME AS USUAL, mOSTLY,
AT: bUT,
AT: i MAY OWE YOU AN APOLOGY,
CC: O)(??
AT: i, uHH, mAY HAVE TOLD SOME KIDS AT SCHOOL THAT i KNEW YOU,,,
AT: bUT THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE ME ANYWAY, sO,,,
CC: O)( no! Tavros, w)(y would you do that??
AT: wELL, tHEY HAD BEEN A BIT, uH, mEAN,
AT: aND THEN i HEARD THEM TALKING ABOUT mERMAID dIVA,
AT: sO i TRIED JOINING IN, aND LET THAT SLIP, bUT THEY JUST CALLED ME A LIAR,
AT: aND MAY HAVE STOLEN MY BAG,,,
CC: 3>8O
AT: i AM SORRY,,,
CC: Don't feel bad, Tavros! Sometimes I almost wis)( Mermaid Diva never became popular so I could )(ang out wit)( all my old friends wit)(out attracting stares!
CC: But I am FURIOUS AT T)(OS-E GLUBBING BRATS!!
CC: Can't your cousin do somet)(ing to )(elp?
AT: wELL, i HAVEN'T ACTUALLY TOLD HIM, iN ALL TRUTH,
AT: tHERE HAVE BEEN SOME NEW HORSES TO TRAIN AT HIS JOB AND, uH, hIS EMPLOYER, mR, zAHHAK,,, i GUESS HE'S BEEN RATHER DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH, lATELY,
AT: sO, i THOUGHT i SHOULDN'T BOTHER HIM,
CC: Glub glub...
CC: I still t)(ink )(e s)(ould know, Tavros. But it's your decision.
CC: I would offer to get you a cameo on the s)(ow, but t)(e only t)(ing worse t)(an bullies are paparazzi! 3>8(
CC: I won't unleas)( t)(ose bottomfeeders on you!
AT: tHANKS, fOR LOOKING OUT FOR ME,
AT: i PROBABLY WOULD NOT LIKE PAPARAZZI, nO,
CC: We'll )(ave to )(ang out IRL sometime anyway! But no attention w)(ore mot)(ers allowed to cras)( our parties! 38)
CC: And I'll c)(ase away any bullies wit)( an oversized prop trident! Or maybe my non-prop version, )(e)(e.
CC: )(ey, I )(ave an idea! W)(y don't I tell you some spoilers for the upcoming Mermaid Diva eposodes? T)(en you can ruin t)(em for t)(ose bullies AND prove you know me!
AT: aRE YOU, uH, sURE?
CC: Sure am! 38) So long as you t)(ink t)(ey're t)(e types w)(o )(ate getting spoiled!
AT: oH, dEFINITELY,
CC: Well, t)(ere's a two-parter coming up w)(ere Crystal transforms back into a mermaid princess early and )(as to fake an entire concert wit)(out letting anyone figure out )(er tail is reel!
CC: T)(e kicker is t)(at t)(e concert goes FIN-E, but Billy finally figures out s)(e's not )(uman!
AT: wOW, i WAS NOT EXPECTING THE SHOW TO CHANGE, uM, tHE STATUS QUO,
AT: sO SUDDENLY,
CC: )(a)(a, Y-EA)(, I'm so EXCIT---ED for it! T)(oug)( -Eridan was so mad t)(at )(is c)(aracter isn't Crystal's sole secret keeper anymore! I don't know w)(y )(e wants -Eric to end up with Crystal so bad, for as muc)( as )(e makes fun of Nepeta's s)(ipping c)(arts!
AT: pROBABLY BECAUSE HE IS, pERHAPS NOT SO SUBTLELY, pROJECTING HIS REAL LIFE DESIRES, oNTO THE SHOW,
AT: tHAT'S WHAT THE OTHERS SAY, aT LEAST,
CC: Wait, you mean...
CC: T)(e ot)(ers t)(ink )(e LIK-ES M-E?
AT: yES, :)
CC: O)( COD, I )(OP---E NOT.
AT: iS THAT, bAD?
CC: SO V-ERY BAD!
CC: -Eridan is a good FRI-END, but...
CC: )(e can be so TAXING to be around!! 38(
CC: I don't t)(ink I could -EV-ER be interested in )(im like T)(AT.
AT: oH,,, sORRy, :(
CC: SIG)(. I t)(oug)(t )(e was just awkward, not trying to FLIRT...
CC: I wonder if I s)(ould nip t)(is in the bud? Or would t)(at make t)(ings WORS-E if )(e knows I know?
AT: i AM NOT SURE i AM MUCH HELP, iN THE DEPARTMENT OF ROMANTIC ADVICE,
AT: pERHAPS ASK kARKAT?
CC: )(a)(a, sorry, Tavros! I'm just venting I guess.
CC: Maybe I will ask for Karcrab's opinion t)(oug)(. Good idea.
AT: i'M GLAD i CAN BE AT LEAST OF THAT MUCH ASSISTANCE, :)
AT: sPEAKING OF, i SHOULD PROBABLY GO CHECK ON MY COS, aND MAKE SURE HE ISN'T IN NEED OF AN EXTRA PAIR OF HANDS,,,
CC: I understand. Ranc)( work sounds pretty toug)(!
CC: I'll catc)( you later more often now that I'm back! See ya!
AT: gOOD LUCK, wITH ERIDAN, aND YOUR MOTHER, aND THE PAPARAZZI,
CC: T)(anks! 38)

-- adiosToreador [AT] ceased pestering cuttlefishCuller [CC] at 16:50 --

* * *

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] at 18:04 --

AA: hell0
AC: :33 < *ac pawnces happily on her friend who she has not seen in too long and missed very, very much!* aradia!
AA: s0rry f0r the absence
AA: 0ur last few st0ps didnt have wifi
AA: the internet here isnt particularly fast but at least it w0rks for pesterchum
AC: :33 < another motel?
AA: yes
AA: i d0nt think we will be settling d0wn again f0r a few m0re m0nths
AA: after mamas last scam 0_0
AA: but shes pr0mised t0 stick t0 m0tels that pr0vide wifi when she can fr0m n0w 0n
AC: :33 < where are you now?
AC: :33 < or is that supurr secret?
AC: :33 < *sniffs around for hidden surveillance equipment*
AA: it sh0uld be fine n0 0nes bugged my c0mputer
AA: we are in nebraska
AC: :33 < OH NO!!!!!!
AA: n0 its all right
AA: mama made sure we c0uld st0p by ashfall
AA: s0 we saw l0ts 0f f0ssils 0u0
AC: :33 < arent the people pawful though?
AA: n0t really
AA: theyre m0stly nice
AA: alth0ugh
AA: theyre rather put 0ff whenever mama pretends she cant speak english
AA: but theyre nice t0 me
AC: :33 < i guess thats not too surpurrising
AC: :33 < even in auntie meulins supurrb veterinary clinic she gets racist assholes
AC: :33 < sometimes they dont realize shes deaf and assume she cant understand english when shes just trying to explain she cant read lips if they dont face her!
AC: :33 < grrrrr!! *she paces angrily as she envisions going on the hunt for these rude vermin*
AA: pe0ple can be like that anywhere
AA: even new y0rkers have sp0ken t0 me with raised v0lume and 0verly careful enunciation bef0re
AA: its half 0f h0w mama can d0 her business everywhere
AA: since everywhere pe0ple are capable 0f assuming she d0esnt kn0w what shes d0ing just by virtue 0f language barriers
AC: :33 < *she shivers, the furs on her tail standing on end* sometimes, aradia, your mama sounds a little scary
AA: 0_0
AA: 0h n0 shes quite nice
AA: s0 l0ng as y0ure n0t a rich businessman
AC: :33 < heck no! i wouldnt even wanna rp one of them!
AC: :33 < speaking of
AC: :33 < i really wish you lived n33rby sometimes
AC: :33 < i would love to have an rp partner irl
AC: :33 < equius wont let me go to the local larp meetings DDX he says theyre bad influences and its not proper anyway
AA: y0u c0uld g0 anyway
AA: i s0metimes sneak 0ut while mamas at w0rk and expl0re even when she says n0t t0
AA: n0thing bads happened yet and i imagine ive been in w0rse l0cati0ns f0r such shenanigans than y0u have
AC: :33 < *she licks at her paw and works at cl33ning her bangs while she ponders this*
AC: :33 < no i dont think i should hes just looking out for me
AC: :33 < and well :\\ look at tavros and terezi
AA: its y0ur ch0ice
AA: if mama ever travels past y0ur area th0ugh i w0uld be happy t0 take y0u f0r y0ur first larping expediti0n
AC: :33 < yay!!
AC: :33 < nuts auntie meulin wants me to run a few errands fur her :((
AC: :33 < will you still be online when we get back? i miss our rps
AA: sure
AA: tell me which 0ne you want t0 pick up and ill think ab0ut new scenari0s f0r when y0u get back
AC: :33 < oooh ummmmmm!! :33 what about the vampire kitty one?
AA: we can d0 that
AC: :33 < yaaaay ill be back as soon as i can :))

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] at 18:32 --

* * *

-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began pestering centaursTesticle [CT] at 08:10 --

TC: HeY tHeRe MoThErFuCkEr.
CT: D--> Mr. Makara
CT: D--> I would STRONGLY prefer not to be addressed in such a crude manner
CT: D--> It's unbefitting for both of us
TC: mY aPoLoGiEs, My FiNe BrO. i DoN't MeAn To GeT aLl Up In YoUr MoThErFuCkInG gRiLl, YoU hEaR mE?
CT: D--> I don't hear you
CT: D--> But in retrospect I must apologize for speaking so rashly
CT: D--> Though I still don't appreciate such a tone I have no right to chastise you on your choice of language
TC: ChAsTiSe To YoUr MoThErFuCkInG hEaRt'S cOnTeNt. :o) I dOn'T mInD, bRo.
CT: D--> No, I do not hold the ranking to make such demands
CT: D--> While our ranch is noble in its task of caring for magnificent steeds, and more than successful at its task, we are still in no position to compare ourselves to a politician and fine businessman such as your father
TC: aW, pOpS aIn'T nOtHiNg SpEcIaL. hE's JuSt A lItTlE fUcKiNg FaNcY.
TC: DoN't WoRrY yUuR hEaD aBoUt WhAt ThAt MoThErFuCkEr ThInKs.
CT: D--> Though it is not my position to say so, if it were, I'd remind you once again that such 100d language really is unbecoming of someone of your social status
TC: yEaH, nEvEr CaReD mUcH aBoUt ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg SoCiAl NoRmS rOuNd HeRe.
TC: GeTs In ThE wAy Of A tRuLy ChIlL lIfE, yOu FeEl?
TC: bUt I gEeSs ThAt'S a BiT oF a MoThErFuCkInG pRoBlEm.
CT: D--> At least you've recognized that
TC: YeAh, bRo. :o( I nEeD hElP.
TC: pOpS aIn'T tOo HaPpY wItH mY sTaTe Of BeInG lAtElY.
CT: D--> Well the senator does have a reputation to maintain
CT: D--> His family included
TC: HoLy ShIt, It'S lIkE yOu'Re A mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiNd ReAdEr.
TC: tHaT's SoMe MiRaCuLoUs ShIt, RiGhT tHeRe.
TC: It'S a SiGn I wAs RiGhT tO cOmE tO yOu, BrO. yOu'Re My MoThErFuCkInG gUiDe.
TC: nEeD yOu To LaY dOwN sOmE rUlEs On WhAt I sHoUlD bE dOiNg To KeEp PoPs HaPpIeR wItH mE.
CT: D--> You're giving me permission to give you orders
TC: SuRe, BrO. lAy SoMe On Me.
CT: D--> Is that an order
TC: iT's A mOtHeRfUcKeR aSkInG hIs GoOd BrO fOr A mOtHeRfUcKiNg LiFeSaVeR oF a FaVoR.
CT: D--> Are you sure it can't be an order
CT: D--> It would be, uh
CT: D--> More appropriate, for your cause, if you wish to emulate your father
TC: Oh, WeLl, SuRe ThEn, BrO, mAkE iT a MoThErFuCkInG oRdEr To TeAcH mE sOmE pRoPeR fUcKiNg EtIqUeTtE oVeR hErE.
CT: D--> E%cuse me one moment I think I need to fetch a towel
TC: tAkE yOuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg TiMe, My BrO.
TC: :o)
CT: D--> My apologies, I believe I can begin now
CT: D--> First off, cease your usage of those disgusting narcotics
TC: nO cAn Do. :o)
TC: ThEy HeLp Me KeEp My MoThErFuCkInG cHiLl On.
CT: D--> You are not making this easy
CT: D--> Your social status allows you near legal immunity on such matters
CT: D--> But all the same if you were caught it would be a STRONG mark against your father
TC: wElL, wE'lL tRy A fEw OtHeR tHiNgS aNd MaYbE tHeY'lL eVeN oUt So We CaN sKiP sTeP oNe.
CT: D--> If you insist
CT: D--> Ne%t, the 100d language
CT: D--> It has to stop
TC: WeLl ShIt. ThAt SoUnDs LiKe A pReTtY tOuGh HaBiT tO bReAk. I'lL gIvE iT a TrY bUt I cAn'T mAkE pRoMiSeS.
CT: D--> On a similar note
CT: D--> I STRONGLY suspect Senator Makara would prefer if you ceased referring to him as "Pops," especially in official capacities
TC: hAhA yEaH.
TC: PoPs MoThErFuCkInG hAtEs ThAt.
CT: D--> You are purposefully being difficult as a joke at my e%pense, aren't you
TC: dOn'T fOlLoW yOu ThErE, bRo.
TC: I jUsT hAvE tO bE mYsElF. wHo ThE mOtHeRfUcK eLsE cAn I bE?
CT: D--> 100k, this is all I can do for you
CT: D--> If you can't take my advice seriously, then I may have to order you to order me to stop giving you orders
TC: wHoA, bRo. ThAt WaS dEeP.
CT: D--> Just tell me to stop giving you orders
CT: D--> If you would, sir
TC: SuRe ThInG, mOtHeRfUcKeR. iF yOu ThInK tHiS sHiT iSn'T hElPiNg, BeSt We QuIt EaRlY.
CT: D--> Yes of course
CT: D--> My apologies, sir, I hope my behavior was acceptable to you
TC: aLl My BrOs HaVe AcCepTaBlE bEhAvIoR, mOtHeRfUcKeR. yOu JuSt GoTtA lEaRn To MoThErFuCkInG aCcEpT yOuRsElF. :o)
CT: D--> I will do my utmost
CT: D--> As I hope you will attempt with your new knowledge in proper etiquette
CT: D--> Now if you'd be so kind... as to order me to cease this conversation
TC: SuRe, MoThErFuCkEr.
TC: gEt On LoGgInG oFf Or WhAtEvEr SuItS yOuR fAnCy, BrO.
CT: D--> Yes of course
CT: D--> I need to fetch another towel anyway

-- centaursTesticle [CT] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious [TC] at 10:03 --

* * *

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 19:56 --

CA: vvris
CA: wwe need to talk
AG: Oh, reeeeeeeeally?
AG: Here I thought you were too f8mous to 8e seen talking to pl8n little ol' me anymore.
AG: Oh w8!!!!!!!! You're just a stupid co-star no one cares a8out anyway! >::::)
CA: youre showwin your ignorance vvris
CA: havve you seen howw many times ivve made the covver of teen mag this last year alone
AG: Ooooooooh, the 8-year-olds like you. Congratul8tions.
CA: that is not the target demographic you imbecile
CA: its evven titled teen
AG: Exactly. For those who wish they were teens! 8ecause real teens know that's a 8ullshit magazine anyway!
CA: wwhat are you antagonizin me for
CA: im just tryin to talk wwith you
AG: I dou8t that, but okay, fine. What are you pestering me a8out this time?
CA: im tryin to be nice here
CA: i knoww you must be havvin regrets about wwhat happened betwween us by noww
CA: i just thought maybe youd wwant to see me and get that shit sorted out
AG: ........Holy shit. You're trying to ask me out again, aren't you?
CA: dont flatter yourself
CA: i mean itd be one thing if you realized wwhat a giant mistake you made and came crawwlin back
CA: but until then consider me uninterested
AG: Mm-hmmmmmmmm. Very convincing.
AG: I'm sure I won't use this conversation as fuel to mock you mercilessly l8er.
CA: gawwd
CA: i dont knoww wwhy i still bother talkin to you fuckin people
CA: at least zahhak knowws howw to be a kissass but evven hes beneath fefs and my time
CA: youre all lucky i havvent decided to block you on pretext of being unwworthy wworthless nobodies
AG: Is it 8ecause no one else will talk to you?
CA: that is not fuckin true
CA: ivve got fans and film creww racin to satisfy my evvery need
AG: Not half as many as Peixes has got! ::::)
CA: you shut up she deservves evvery one of those
CA: and the serkets get wwhat they deservve too
CA: a wwhole wwhoppin zero
AG: MEH!
AG: Mom's 8ooks sell more in a week than your teeny-8opper auto8iography sold in a year.
AG: May8e no one recognizes her on the street, and we don't have legions of yes-men at our 8eck and call, 8ut at least she's not a has-8een remem8ered for oooooooone song and riding the coattails of a nephew.
CA: you keep my uncle outta this
AG: How did that tune go? "No8ody likes me, every8ody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms"?
CA: those are not the fuckin lyrics
AG: Pretty sure that's close enough!
CA: no
AG: "Every8ody hates me" is literally in the chorus, moron.
CA: but it sounds wway deeper in context
AG: You keep telling yourself that. Just do me a f8vor and have your traditional family angstfests far, far away from the microphone.
AG: Don't want to suffer a fluke and risk airplay for another song only twelve-year-olds can relate to.
CA: you knoww wwhat nevver fuckin mind youre too insufferable to evver be wworth askin out
CA: hell if wwe wwere still datin maybe this is wwhere id break up wwith you
AG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you WERE trying to ask me out!
CA: you fuckin wwish
AG: No, I don't. >::::) Trust me on that, Ampora.
CA: fuck you anywway you black wwidoww

-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] at 20:48 --

* * *

-- twinArmageddeons [TA] began pestering gallowsCallibrator [GC] at 16:22 --

TA: hey TZ. you 2tiill gettiing that beta thii2 week?
GC: Y34H BUT MY S1ST3RS COPY OF G4M3 G1RL S41D TH4T 1TS K1ND4 SH1TTY
GC: WHY :? YOU ST1LL PL4NN1NG ON PL4Y1NG 1T
TA: yeah, ii'm not wa2tiing my fuckiing money and not playiing iit. kiinda need another player though.
TA: you wiilliing two giive iit a 2hot de2piite shiit reviiew2?
GC: SUR3 WHY NOT
GC: G4M3 G1RL 1S FULL OF CR4P 4NYW4Y
GC: W3 C4N JUST H4V3 FUN BR34K1NG 1T 4ND FUCK1NG 34CH OTH3R OV3R 1F 1TS NO GOOD
GC: OR M4YB3 1TLL SOM3HOW 4CTU4LLY B3 FUN ON 1TS OWN
TA: iit giive2 me a bad feeliing actually.
TA: but meh. iif iit'2 gonna go two 2hiit, miight a2 well play iit wiith 2omeone ii can tru2t know2 what 2he2 doiing at lea2t.
GC: TH4TS TH3 SP1R1T :]
TA: oh 2hiit.
GC: WH4T :?
TA: 2poke two 2oon. KK found out. ii thiink he want2 iin on iit. that ok?
GC: ONLY 1F YOU PROM1S3 H3 1SNT MY S3RV3R PL4Y3R >:[ 1 DONT TRUST TH4T P13C3 OF SH1T H3 C4LLS 4 COMPUT3R
GC: H3 PROB4BLY US3S D14L UP TOO
TA: he 2teal2 a connectiion from hii2 neiighbor2 actually. 2tiill 2hiitty though.
TA: maybe we 2hould just buiild up a huge team. apparently the diiffiiculty goe2 up, the more player2 you have. fuck ea2y mode, let'2 at lea2t make thii2 iintere2tiing.
GC: 1 C4N 4SK 4ROUND :]
TA: yeah me two, ii'm not fuckiing u2ele22, TZ.
GC: WH4T3V3R GRUMPY P4NTS YOU KN3W WH4T 1 M34NT
GC: N3P3T4 W1LL B3 1N FOR SUR3 1F H3R STUP1D FR13ND OK4YS 1T
GC: 4ND 1 B3T 4R4D14 WOULD PL4Y 1F YOU 4SK3D H3R
GC: 1F TH3 G4M3S D3SCR1PT1ON 1S 4CCUR4T3, M4YB3 YOU C4N F1N4LLY M33T H3R 1N P3RSON
GC: >:]
GC: > :]
GC: >:]
GC: > :]
TA: hey, you know what, how about ii pull the 2ame fuckiing card on you?
TA: lookiing forward two 2eeiing KK face-two-face, TZ?
GC: WHY NOT
GC: 1M LOOK1NG FORW4RD TO "S331NG" J4CK4SS3S L1K3 YOU 4LR34DY 4R3NT 1 >:]
TA: yeah ii gue22 that'2 true.
TA: haven't gotten two meet many of you iirl yet.
TA: my bro actually flew iintwo your local aiirport for a few hour2 ye2terday. ii'd 2ay iit'2 a 2hame ii hadn't bugged hiim iintwo lettiing me come along, but ii'm faiirly 2ure he met hii2 2weetheart duriing the layover 2o no way iin hell wa2 he lettiing me joiin hiim ju2t two meet an onliine friiend.
GC: H4H4 MY S1S WOULDNT H4V3 T4K3N M3 4NYW4Y
GC: SH3 W4S TOO BUSY M33T1NG SOM3 DUD3 4T TH3 41RPORT H3RS3LF
TA: ...
GC: 8O
TA: oh my god.
GC: OH MY GOD!!!
TA: no fuckiing way.
GC: TH1S R3QU1R3S
GC: SOM3 PROF3SS1ON4L SL3UTH1NG FROM D3T3CT1V3 PYROP3!!!
TA: ii thought you wanted two be a lawyer liike your 2ii2ter, not a detectiive.
GC: 1 C4N B3 BOTH
TA: only on tv, dumba22.
GC: 1LL B3 TH3 F1RST BL1ND D3T3CT1VE PROS3CUTOR JUST YOU W4TCH
GC: ST4RT1NG W1TH TH3 C4S3 OF
GC: WHY TH3 FUCK D1DNT MY S1S T3LL M3 SH3S D4T1NG MY FR13NDS BRO
TA: maybe becau2e iit2 none of your damn bu2iine22 and 2he knew youd overreact and do your wanna-be law 2htiick.
GC: OR M4YB3!!!!!
GC: SH3 W4NT3D M3 TO SL3UTH 1T OUT ON MY OWN :O
GC: G2G SOLLUX
GC: 1V3 GOT 4 N3W C4S3 TO SN1FF OUT
TA: yeah whatever. ju2t keep me updated on when you wanna play thii2 2tupiid game.

-- gallowsCallibrator [GC] ceased pestering twinArmageddeons [TA] at 17:06 --

Chapter Text

Rose said the aliens were called "humans" and their version of the game went by "Sburb." She'd already compiled a small list of information on the new species just by giving their timeline a quick skim, but John didn't find any of it particularly interesting. Wow, names, that would totally help them survive Sgrub.

He wasn't exactly getting better results with his attempts at sleuthing through Trollian, but whatever! It wasn't his fault the viewport changed to a steady stream of static before he could find whatever caused the glitch. Besides, he wanted to learn more about the ectobiologist anyway, so his time was only half-wasted. As friendleader, though, he decided to set aside his curiosity about the brown alien and concentrate on new ways to obtain the information they needed when observation alone wouldn't cut it.

He figured the human could tell him the most later on, so he selected a moment near the very end of the human timeline. (It made him vaguely unsettled that the timeline just ended; time didn't end, did it?) The viewport was still a mess of static, but he wrote out a message in hopes that text at least could still transfer through the glitch.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

GT: hi!
GT: umm this may sound weird, but it turns out i sorta created your universe!
GT: it's a long story, but the point is we're in danger from something that came from your session and i may need your help!
EB: JESUS FUCK, EGBERT, DID YOU SERIOUSLY CONTACT ME AT THE END OF MY TIMELINE TO TELL ME *THAT*?
GT: whoa, whoa, wait, how do you know my name??
EB: WOW. I KNOW YOU SAID THIS CONVERSATION WOULD BE EMBARRASSING, BUT CHRIST ON A CRACKER.
GT: i said what now?
EB: EGBERT. WE ARE ABOUT TO FUCK THIS SESSION UP. I HAVE BARELY TWO MINUTES TO TALK. AND THAT'S NOT FACTORING IN THAT I'M IN DANGER OF BEING THE CLOWN'S NEWEST MURDER VICTIM IF I'M NOT CAREFUL.
EB: MAYBE NOW IS NOT THE POINT IN MY TIMELINE THAT YOU WANT TO CONTACT ME FOR HELP.
GT: oh.
GT: i guess you're busy then.
EB: NO SHIT.
GT: but i kind of need to know what the hell's going on in your session!
GT: whatever this static-y stuff is, it came through our door and sort of tried to kill us and made our friend go batshit!
GT: i mean it's more complicated than that but
EB: JOHN? SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAP.
EB: OR STOP TYPING WITH YOUR WEIRDASS ALIEN APPENDAGES WHAT THE FUCK EVER!
EB: I AM WELL AWARE YOU FUCKWADS PAINTED THE FLOOR IN A THICK LAYER OF SHIT AND DID SO WITH SUCH PATHETIC FORESIGHT THAT NOW YOU'RE BACKED INTO A CORNER, WITH YOUR ONLY OPTIONS TO WALLOW IN YOUR MISTAKES OR TRAIPSE THROUGH A PATH OF FECES OF YOUR OWN MAKING.
EB: BUT I AM STILL FUCKING BUSY.
EB: SO JUST DO YOUR STUPIDASS BACKWARDS TROLLING AND WHINE TO A PAST ME INSTEAD.
GT: what? dude, why would i do that? that's so counter-productive.
EB: DID I CLAIM TO UNDERSTAND THE WORKINGS OF YOUR ALIEN LOGIC OR LACK THEREOF?
EB: IT'S ALREADY HAPPENED SO IT'S FUCKING INEVITABLE, END OF STORY.
EB: GO EMBARRASS US BOTH AND GET IT OVER WITH.
GT: jeez, maybe if that's what it takes to figure out what the hell's going on with this game!
EB: YEAH WE GET ON THAT EVENTUALLY, DON'T WORRY.
EB: ACTUALLY, IF WE'RE TALKING SPOILERS, MIGHT WANT TO BRACE YOURSELF FOR BREAKING RED TEXT ASSHOLE'S FACE.
GT: uhhhh
GT: well, first off if you're talking about who i think you are his name is dave
EB: STILL DON'T FUCKING CARE
GT: and second, sorry man but he is sort of my best bro, so
GT: i don't really plan on doing that!
EB: WELL SUCKS TO BE YOU.
GT: man... this is not at all how i thought this conversation would go.
EB: ACTUALLY THIS IS NOT AS MIND-NUMBINGLY WRETCHED AS I FEARED. BUT THEN AGAIN I WAS PREPARING FOR A CONVERSATION LESS PLEASANT THAN RIPPING OFF MY OWN TOENAILS.
GT: pffff
GT: dude, don't say shit like that, you already seem pitiful enough without silly exaggerations.
EB: HEY, FUCK YOU. I DON'T NEED YOUR DAMN
EB: ...
EB: HANG ON A FUCKING MINUTE ISN'T PITY ONE OF YOUR ALIEN ROMANCES?
GT: uh
GT: no
GT: sort of
GT: but that's not what it sounds like!
EB: OH MY GOD, IT IS, I REMEMBER THINKING ROMANCE BASED ON PITY SOUNDS LIKE UTTER BULLSHIT.
EB: HOLY FUCK, THIS EXPLAINS TOO MUCH. YOU'RE A LOVESICK DWEEB.
GT: well wait a damn sec!!!
GT: i mean yes you are pitiable from a TOTALLY OBJECTIVE standpoint and you seem like a pretty funny guy so far, but you are probably reading way too much into this!
GT: we should get to know each other first before we talk about weird stuff like that!
EB: I DO KNOW YOU, MORON. YOU'RE AN OKAY SHITWAD AS FAR AS ANNOYING ALIENS GO.
EB: FUCK I NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS BUT GUESS WHAT?
EB: I STILL DON'T HAVE FUCKING TIME FOR THIS CONVERSATION, LET ALONE YOUR ALIEN SOLICITATIONS!!
EB: SO PROVIDED WE DON'T EXPLODE OR SOMETHING...
EB: I'LL SEE YOU IN A FEW.
GT: what??

-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] --

Well, it could have gone worse, even if all he'd learned was that the alien was very... spirited and swore on par with Dave. At least it was impossible to contact the ectobiologist any later on his timeline; that would have been pretty awkward, if they had to work together with quadrant misunderstandings hanging over their heads.

Maybe he was approaching things from the wrong direction. Starting from the end was clearly not the way to go, but hopping around the timeline at random sounded stupid. Was the ectobiologist really the person he should have been concentrating on, even? The leader of the session probably knew the most, but...

John was about to turn to Rose for advice when a new alert sounded on his computer. He held his breath in fear it was another threatening message from Daveglitch, but the text on his screen was gray.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] --

EB: JOHN?
EB: JOHN, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?
EB: DON'T YOU DARE IGNORE ME.
GT: uhh, hi?
EB: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT?
GT: what was what about?
GT: how do you still know my name?
EB: GOD DAMMIT
EB: I GOT THE MORON AGAIN.
GT: hey, ow.
EB: OH, SLAP A FUCKING BANDAID ON IT AND CRY TO MOMMY.
EB: IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN PESTER THE FUTURE YOU OR SOMETHING?
GT: umm, if there is, i don't know it!
GT: wait, you were talking to future me?
EB: NO SHIT.
GT: soooo... we're buddies? :D
EB: ERRRAAAAGH.
EB: YES.
EB: WE ARE
EB: FUCKING "BUDDIES."
EB: BUT YOU'RE NOT HIM AND THIS CONVERSATION IS ASININE.
GT: haha, yeah i guess
GT: so, uh, what's up with future me exactly?
EB: HE'S IN DANGER OR SOMETHING, YOU COCKSUCKING IDIOT.
EB: DO ME A FAVOR AND DON'T BE SO FUCKING VAGUE WHEN YOU TROLL ME IN THE FUTURE.
EB: BUT TOO FUCKING LATE FOR THAT I GUESS.
GT: well, i can still try if that helps!
EB: NO YOU CAN'T YOU ALREADY FAILED.
EB: DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TIMELINES AND INEVITABILITY? HOW MUCH DOES YOUR TIME PLAYER SUCK TO KEEP YOU IN THE DARK ON THESE THINGS?
EB: A LOT, JOHN. YOUR TIME PLAYER SUCKS SO DAMN HARD. HE SUCKS ALL THE DICKS AND THEN MOVED ON TO SUCKING ALL THE BALLS.
GT: dicks and balls?
GT: not that i know much about your human pastimes either, but our time player is kind of shit at sports...
EB: OH MY GOD CAN YOU STOP BEING SUCH AN IDIOT FOR TWO GODDAMN SECONDS?
EB: YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME FEEL ANY KIND OF FUCKING CONFIDENCE THAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF CROSSING THE STREET WITHOUT SOMEONE TO HOLD YOUR HAND, LET ALONE THAT YOU HAVE ANY CHANCE OF SURVIVING WHATEVER BULLSHIT YOU WADDLED INTO.
GT: aw, you're that worried about me?
EB: SHUT UP.
EB: THIS GAME IS STRESSFUL. STOP READING INTO THINGS.
GT: oh
GT: not even a little worried? :(
EB: DON'T YOU DARE GUILT ME WITH YOUR STUPID FROWNY FACES! OF COURSE I AM FUCKING WORRIED, YOU OVERSENSITIVE COCKBITE! YOU'RE A DUMB, GROSS ALIEN BUT WE'RE STILL FRIENDS AT THIS POINT. I THINK.
EB: FUCKING HELL, PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE THE LAST I HEAR FROM YOU. THIS IS TOO STUPID FOR A FINAL IMPRESSION.
GT: no, i talk to you later, but you weren't happy to hear from me then either.
EB: BEAUTIFUL.
EB: LET ME GO BOIL MY EARS IN OIL AS I JOYOUSLY ANTICIPATE THIS NO DOUBT UNFORGETTABLE FUTURE CONVERSATION.
GT: ...i'm hoping that is more hyperbolic bullshit and not a real human alien ritual.
EB: YOU HOPE RIGHT, BUT I MIGHT ACTUALLY HIT MY CRANIUM AGAINST THE NEAREST WALL A FEW TIMES AND SCREECH TO THE HEAVENS UNTIL LIGHTNING STRIKES ME DOWN FOR BEING TOO OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD.
GT: you say, hyperbolically again.
EB: LOOK, ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NO WAY FOR ME TO TALK TO FUTURE YOU? :(
GT: not that i'm aware of... i'm pretty new to the timeline features on trollian too.
EB: FUCK.
EB: WHATEVER THE FUCK'S HAPPENING ON YOUR END IN THE FUTURE, JUST CONTACT ME WHEN IT'S OVER, OKAY? AND DON'T FUCKING DIE, WE DON'T NEED THE BODY COUNT ANY GODDAMN HIGHER.
GT: body count? D:
EB: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. ALREADY HAPPENED AND NOTHING YOU CAN DO. DON'T PRE-GUILT YOURSELF OR I'LL THROW A BUCKET OF VOMIT ON YOU IF WE EVER MEET.
GT: eeeeeww!!!!!! dude that's VULGAR.
EB: GOOD.
GT: i mean, seriously, eeeeeeeeeeeeeew
EB: SHUT UP.
EB: GOD, THE NEXT CONVERSATION CAN'T GET WORSE THAN THIS ONE AT LEAST.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] --

Those were probably some worrying things to learn on the whole, but John had to chew on his lower lip to tone down his grin. Hell fucking yes, they were gonna be buddies in the future. (And also there was bad shit going down, but how was that any different from the present? He'd deal with that when they came to it.)

Maybe he didn't need Rose's advice yet after all, if he managed to befriend the ectobiologist by his own methods. He didn't understand inevitability and timelines like Dave did, but if they were friends on the human timeline, that probably meant it was definitely going to happen in his future too.

He scooted the timeline marker back a little further. The viewport was still static-y, but he maintained it seemed smartest to try making contact as far into the game as possible, if he wanted the best information.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

GT: hi!
EB: WHAT NOW?
GT: umm, i was just thinking, since we're buddies and all, maybe you could tell me your name?
EB: OH MY FUCKING GOD.
EB: YOU CAN'T REMEMBER? WE WENT THROUGH ALL THAT AND YOU CAN'T BE ASSED TO EVEN REMEMBER MY NAME?
GT: dude, how the hell am i supposed to remember something you never told me?
EB: I
EB: FUCK.
EB: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU TALKED TO ME?
GT: this is the third!
EB: I KNEW IT.
EB: THIS IS IT. THIS IS HOW YOU LEARN IT. YOU FUCKING CHEAT.
EB: I'D TELL YOU TO SUCK IT SO YOU DON'T STARTLE THE SHIT OUT OF ME EARLIER, BUT THEN I'M PROBABLY JUST CREATING A DOOMED TIMELINE ANYWAY, SO WHAT THE HELL.
EB: IT'S KARKAT VANTAS.
GT: what's that?
EB: MY NAME, DOUCHEWIPE.
GT: really? that's a dumb name
EB: YOU'RE DUMB.
GT: no, i'm john!
EB: I FUCKING KNOW, EGBERT.
GT: still??
GT: man, this time stuff is weird.
EB: SERIOUSLY. WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULDN'T GO LINEARLY?
GT: me.
GT: in my defense, i THOUGHT you'd be able to tell me more stuff in the future, but mostly you dodge questions and panic.
EB: PANIC? LIKE HELL. YOU PROBABLY JUST FOUND A WAY TO TROLL YOURSELF AND WERE TOO CONFUSED TO NOTICE YOU CHOSE THE WRONG USERNAME.
GT: sorry, dude. you were totally panicking. soooo worried about a future me apparently. it was sweet. :)
EB: GO FUCK YOURSELF IN THE ASS WITH ONE OF YOUR GROSS SLIMY TENTACLES.
GT: pfffffffff
GT: what? we don't have tentacles.
EB: YOU DON'T?
GT: no! who the hell told you that?
EB: YOU FUCKING DID, YOU BALL-LICKING DOUCHEBAG.
EB: BUT I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NOT TO TRUST ANY OF THE RANCID VOMIT YOU CALL WORDS.
EB: YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST SOME BORINGASS GRAY HUMANOID ALIENS.
EB: WITH CANDY CORN HORNS, APPARENTLY. OOH, FUCKING UNIQUE. YOU DRINK A TEA AND HAVE WEIRD HORNS. YOU'RE NOT LIKE THE *OTHER ALIENS.*
GT: uh, no.
GT: how have i not mentioned that we are evolved from centipedes? i have like eight hundred legs and not a single tentacle. i don't know how you humans can stand typing with only ten digits.
EB: ...PLEASE TELL ME I HAVE NOT BEEN CHATTING WITH A GIANT BUG THIS WHOLE TIME.
GT: wow. racist.
EB: OH, DON'T EVEN. YOU PROBABLY THINK IT'S WEIRD AS FUCK TO BE TALKING TO AN EVOLVED PRIMATE.
GT: haha, yeah kinda.
GT: this is fun and all, but if you haven't noticed i'm a little behind on what's going on with your session!
GT: do you know what caused all the weird glitchy stuff?
EB: FUCK YOU, WE'VE ALREADY GONE OVER THIS.
EB: YOU PROBABLY WATCHED IT HAPPEN LIKE A FUCKING CREEP, GETTING OFF ON OUR VIOLENCE AND MISERY.
GT: ew no. i don't know anything about what happened!
EB: WELL MY STUPID JUGGALO OF A BEST FRIEND WENT OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND AND KILLED PEOPLE.
EB: SO BASICALLY I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT AND I TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT ANY MORE THAN IS NECESSARY CONSIDERING I'M LIVING IT.
EB: ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS SHIT.
GT: no i don't!
EB: BY MY TIMELINE, YOU DO. SO STOP BEING LAZY AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF INSTEAD OF MAKING ME DO YOUR HOMEWORK FOR YOU.
EB: GET YOUR ITCHY CENTIPEDE ASS OFF THE METAPHORICAL COUCH AND GET TO WORK. I DO ENOUGH GODDAMN HEAVY LIFTING AROUND HERE AS IT IS!

-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] --

John rolled his eyes. That was mostly pointless, but at least he'd learned Karkat's name finally. And raised his prankster's gambit. Ha. Centipedes. Gross.

He supposed he could just keep slowly going backwards until he finally found a point that Karkat was willing to break down what had happened for him, but fuck that. He probably should have just gone linearly from the get-go. This was turning into a mess.

He moved Trollian back on the timeline, all the way before Sburb, and didn't stop until Karkat's username returned to its old handle. He sure hoped he wouldn't have to contact him any earlier than that. It was hard to imagine this version of Karkat would even be that helpful. At least the viewport was working finally, not even a spec of static to obscure the image of the brown alien at his computer.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

GT: hello?
CG: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?
GT: finally!!!
GT: i was getting worried you just always knew my name or something!
CG: I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG USERNAME, YOU CREEP.
CG: THAT, OR THE DUMBEST SCRIPT FOR A SPAMBOT THAT I'VE SEEN YET.
GT: i'm not spam! i'm a troll!
CG: YEAH, NO SHIT.
CG: PESTERCHUM ALREADY TOLD ME THAT MUCH.
CG: SO WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOUR TROLLING GAME'S PRETTY WEAK IF YOU THINK IT'S GOING TO SEND ME CRYING TO MY ROOM JUST BY PRETENDING AS IF WE KNOW EACH OTHER.
GT: i'm not trolling you!
GT: if i was pranking you, oh man, no WAY would you know it!
GT: i am the pranking MASTER
CG: YOU'RE AN ANNOYING DOUCHE AND I'M GOING TO BLOCK YOU IF YOU DON'T REACH SOME KIND OF POINT SOON.
GT: yeah okay whatever! you're going to be playing a really important game soon and i need you to pay attention in it, because it kind of put me and my friends in danger.
GT: so in the future when i talk to you, it'd be really cool if you could just pass on what went wrong so we have a chance at fixing it and maybe living to adulthood after all!
CG: ............WHAT.
GT: also! you shouldn't trust that juggalo guy.
CG: OH MY GOD YOU DID NOT JUST INSULT MY BEST FRIEND.
GT: he goes on a murderhappy rampage though! you said so!
CG: YOU HAVE MOVED OFF THE "WORST TROLL EVER" LIST AND ON TO THE "MOST DELUSIONAL AND RUDEASS DUMBFUCK" LIST.
CG: CONGRATULATIONS.
CG: I HOPE YOU HAVE A SPEECH PREPARED. BE SURE TO THANK YOUR PARENTS FOR DOING SUCH A SHIT JOB OF RAISING YOU.
GT: what's a parent?
CG: ARE YOU EVEN FUCKING TRYING?
CG: WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT TROLLING ACT IS THIS? PRETENDING TO BE DUMBER THAN A BOX OF JOCKS?
GT: it's not my fault i don't know your weird alien words!

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer connected! --

GT: uhh.
GT: hey, you okay?

Judging by the way Karkat facepalmed and smacked at his monitor, it seemed safe to assume that the conversation had not been cut short on purpose. Karkat finally reached over and held the power button on his primitive alien computer until it restarted.

John waited for the desktop to finish loading and Karkat to log into his bright yellow chat client before he picked the conversation back up.

GT: man human technology sure seems crappy.
GT: are you sure it can play sgrub?
GT: i hope that's not why the glitch stuff happens...
CG: COULD YOU NOT? I HAVE ENOUGH SHIT TO DEAL WITH, WHAT WITH THIS ANCIENT PIECE OF GARBAGE THAT WAS OUTDATED FROM THE DAY IT WAS MANUFACTURED.
GT: okay, well, that's probably as helpful as this conversation was going to be anyway.
GT: good luck with the game though!
CG: OH MY GOD JUST FUCK OFF.
GT: >:P

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

Man, these conversations would have been great if John was looking to just shoot the shit with a funny (and maybe also cute and pitiable but that wasn't the fucking point) new alien buddy. As it was, there was kind of still the looming presence of potential death to worry about. He could have funny conversations with Karkat later! He hoped anyway. Oh hell yeah, that'd be so cool if they both survived and could be post-Sgrub penpals.

He shook his head to break out of his daydreams. The matter at hand first, daydreaming about alien friends later! With more than a little excitement, he moved the timeline cursor once more for another conversation with Karkat.

Hell yeah, going linear.

Karkat's hive had been transported into the Medium already, but from the looks of things he hadn't figured out much about the alchemiter yet and the only enemies around were a few barely-prototyped imps. John sent a message as soon as Karkat was near his computer.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

GT: hi karkat!
EB: AAAUGH. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
GT: this is your worst greeting yet.
EB: WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU MY NAME?
EB: MORE IMPORTANTLY
EB: HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND MY NEW CHUMHANDLE, YOU CUM LICKING ASSHOLES?
GT: rude!

-- ectoBiologist [EB] blocked ghostyTrickster [GT] --

GT: so rude.
EB: GODDAMMIT, WHAT.
EB: HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS.
GT: well you see, troll technology is totally superior to your alien hardware. i'm not even bragging, that's just the facts.
GT: okay i'm bragging a little but it's not like i invented any of it.
GT: still, troll stuff is waaay better than human stuff.
EB: ...THIS ISN'T EVEN AN ACT IS IT?
EB: YOU'RE SERIOUSLY A BRAIN DEAD ALIEN.
GT: yeah pretty much.
EB: WHAT DO YOU WANT? ARE YOU PLANNING AN ABDUCTION? HAVE I ALREADY BEEN ABDUCTED AND THAT'S WHAT SBURB IS? SHOULD I WARN MY FRIENDS BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE AND YOU'VE STUCK YOUR HIGHLY ADVANCED ALIEN RODS UP MY ASSHOLE FOR ALL YOUR PROBING NEEDS?
GT: okay gross. you are always so gross, karkat. it's pretty funny but also ew. i'm glad i haven't been eating for any of these conversations.
GT: i have no intention of abducting you and making you uncomfortable with rods up your butt. i need your help and you probably also need mine considering the game you're playing.
EB: YOU NEED *MY* HELP?
GT: yeeeep. see, my friends and i played sburb too, and we beat it and made a cool new universe like you're probably gonna! but then something fucks up in your session that somehow made it over to our session and now we're hounded by a possessed, glitchy, doomed timeline best bro.
EB: ......
EB: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOAD OF HORSESHIT.
GT: haha, wow it does. but it's true.
GT: you don't have to believe it if you don't want, but will you help us anyway? we just need to research what goes wrong in your session. and maybe be buddies!
EB: SO LONG AS YOU'RE NOT THREATENING TO KILL ME OR MY FRIENDS IN GROSS AND CREATIVE WAYS, DO WHAT YOU WANT.
GT: :D
EB: JUST DON'T GO OVERBOARD ON SPOILING THE GAME. THERE'S NO FUCKING POINT OF PLAYING IF THE CHALLENGES ARE RUINED.
GT: okay but we used a guide and it made things way easier but still fun.
EB: I'M NOT SURPRISED YOU NEEDED ONE. YOU SOUND LIKE IDIOTS.
EB: SO WHAT DO I CALL YOU? YOU ALREADY KNOW MY NAME AND ALL.
GT: i already told you!
EB: NO YOU FUCKING DID NOT.
GT: yes i
GT: oh
GT: fuck. yeah i guess i didn't.
EB: YOU'RE IN RARE FORM TODAY.
GT: i'm john egbert.
GT: i've been hopping around on your timeline like a fucking idiot, so you'll hear from past me a bit in the future, but i'm planning to go as linearly as i can from now on to avoid confusion. 'cos that was stupid. so stupid.
EB: DO THE WORDS YOU STRING TOGETHER EVER MAKE ANY SEMBLENCE OF SENSE?
GT: bluh tl;dr: it's time bullshit. you'll understand later. hopefully, 'cos i can't explain it to you.
EB: SOUNDS LIKE EVERYTHING RELATED TO THIS DUMBASS GAME SO FAR. I SHOULD STOP BEING SURPRISED, REALLY.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] is no longer connected! --

Human technology was really bad. It was almost funny to watch Karkat slam his head against the keyboard while no doubt screaming obscenities. Try as he might to suppress it, John chuckled to himself. With all the shit going down around them, at least he could be pretty sure he'd enjoy working with these humans, if Karkat was anything to go by. What a pitiable little jerkwad.

Welp. There it was. They had more important things to worry about, but all the same, he couldn't even try to deny it anymore: that was definitely a flushcrush.

Chapter Text

In all the times Rose had envisioned her first contact with a new species, this scenario had never even crossed her mind. Poor oversight for a Seer, she supposed, but at the time it had seemed fair to assume any aliens she discovered would be viewed from the comfort of her empire's best fleet.

She wouldn't be negotiating peace treaties as previously assumed, or even conquering them like her ancestor was probably doing with other planets that very moment. She wouldn't even be contacting anyone of a social status that remotely matched hers.

The best strategy for the time being (or however much time they had left) was probably to sit back and wait, gathering intel from observing the aliens without meddling.

For a while anyway. If she couldn't find answers, and quickly, she'd have to resort to more drastic measures. Still, it didn't hurt to prepare for any future confrontations by learning the basics through her own sleuthing skills.

Rose ran down the list of twelve Sgrub players, clicking each and examining them on the viewport in an attempt to gauge their place in alien culture. It was infuriatingly vague, with the lack of blood colors or horns to differentiate them. At least their skin varied a little, going from a light pink to a deep brown.

She paused at the eleventh one. He was a brown alien, with a purple streak through his black hair and striped clothing. She'd finished being startled by the eccentric fashion choices of these aliens a while ago, but something else caught her eye: His hive was covered in books and posters featuring wizards. His username was CA. Something pinged in the back of her mind.

She minimized Trollian and dragged open the Sgrub walkthrough instead, scrolling to the very bottom where the guide left off. Instead of any advice on the final moments of the game, there was only a farewell message wishing luck to any players who found the guide left hiding in the abyss, followed by a magical signature of CA.

She kept her face stiff to mask her shock. These were the players who made her guide. These aliens were the "humans" that had so flummoxed her for sweeps, whose version of Sgrub was known as Sburb.

Her interest in merely observing plummeted. She waited only long enough to pass the newfound knowledge on to the other three (who had also been doing a poor job of using their keyboards thus far) before opening a chat window.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] --

TT: Are you in the business of writing video game walkthroughs, by any chance?
CA: oh fuckin hell
CA: wwhat do you assholes wwant this time

Her mouth twitched. Definitely not the right writing quirk for the walkthrough writer, unless he had a significant change in preference later on. Still, the username and interest in magic seemed too coincidental to not be related.

TT: We assholes are searching for a human alien who writes a pivotal guide in your near future. A guide on a game called "Sburb."
TT: I assume the name is familiar to you this late in your timeline.
CA: i might havve heard of it
CA: no ones invvitin you to play wwith us if thats wwhat youre thinkin
CA: evven tavvs not that nice
CA: or goddamn dumb
TT: I've already played it.
CA: its not evven out yet howw stupid do you think i am
TT: Your species seems quite primitive from where I'm standing, actually, but that's off-topic.
TT: When you play this obviously unreleased game in your future, do you have intentions to record your experience?
CA: im not goin to livvestream it or some shit my fans wwould go apeshit in all the wwrong wways
CA: and im definitely not sharin any of my game exploits wwith the likes of you
TT: Hm. Perhaps I was mistaken in contacting you in particular.
TT: The person I'm looking for Speaks More Akin To This
CA: wwhat
CA: you talkin about kan?
TT: You know of them?
CA: wwhy wwould i tell you that if you dont already knoww
CA: youre a fuckin troll
TT: Point.
TT: Still, I can't help but hypothesize that you aid this Kan. Your magical signature is imbued into their guide, at any rate.
CA: wwhat the hell are you on about noww
CA: magic is stupid bullshit evveryone knowws that
TT: Is that why your hive is covered in magical memorabilia?
CA: wwho the fuck told you that
CA: wwas it sol
CA: its a dirty fuckin lie all right i knoww magic is fake as shit
TT: Yes, completely fake. I have absolutely never partaken in anything that might be classified as magic, up to and including summoning powers from creatures beyond the reach of space.
TT: Obviously such feats could only be classified as advanced science.
CA: exactly
CA: youre startin to get it
CA: youre almost not all that bad for a troll yet
TT: Right.
TT: My mistake for not contacting you after you reached the Medium, really.
CA: see thats wwhat im talkin about
CA: you just speww useless bullshit nothin all that upsettin
TT: Same to you.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] --

These humans were maybe going to be more complicated than Rose gave them credit for. CA had clear signs of magical potential, claimed to shun it, but had to overcome his resistance before the end of the game. Did this "Kan" even intend to write the walkthrough? Or would they likewise need an outside influence?

If she could narrow down Kan through Seer powers (or traditional detective work, if need be), would it even be safe to pass on the hint that they'd be writing a walkthrough in their future? A paradox of that degree could backfire if invoked just wrong.

For that matter, what happened if she meddled in the human universe's timeline? Perhaps even gave it a push in the wrong direction? The timeline was all laid out and decided already, yet here she had the opportunity to interfere. Would the timeline shift to match any changes she made, or...

There were too many possibilities. Her Seer vision could only penetrate an entirely new universe by so much. Maybe if her echeladder were higher, but there was no point in dwelling on that. She had neither time nor opportunity to level up while stuck hiding from a glitchy monster in the veil. She would just have to conduct a few experiments and find out firsthand just what kind of chaos she could inspire in their new universe.

She scanned through Trollian, looking for a straight-forward but significant event to attempt altering. The significant portion of glitched up timeline did not aid things, but she found what she was looking for when she selected the apocalypseArisen username not far into the game. The viewport only opened on a smoking crater.

No need to wonder what went wrong there or invoke her Seer powers, but she scrolled back to view the exact moment all the same, just to know when it happened.

Satisfied with the how and when, she switched back to CA's chat window, giving his timeline ample space for what she intended. He wasn't the most pleasant person to contact, but at least he already knew her and wouldn't need as much of an introduction.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] --

TT: We don't have time for pleasantries.
TT: Your co-player is in danger.
CA: fuck not you again
CA: i dont havve time to wwaste wwith trolls
TT: Too bad. Something goes wrong with your Time Hero's server player and she won't enter the Medium in time if no one interferes.
TT: She will be dead, without chance of revival.
TT: Now do I have your attention or do I need to present the situation to a more competent member of your party?
CA: i am plenty fuckin competent
CA: just cos im not wwillin to drop evverythin for some wweirdass online stalker doesnt mean im not plenty competent
TT: Excellent. If you know how to reach her server player's planet, I suggest you make haste.
CA: did you miss the part wwhere i said im not followwing your orders blindly
TT: Did you miss the part where your friend will DIE?
TT: Her blood will be on your hands and your friends will all know it. Your kind don't seem keen on violence and death, so I imagine it won't go over well if they hear you didn't try to save her.
CA: jesus obvviously i wwasnt goin to let her die
CA: but this better not be a joke

He made his way through his land, blasting any imps that stepped in his path mercilessly with his riflekind, whether they made to attack him or not. Just before he could reach the gate, however, a bright red light flashed in his path. After watching Dave at work long enough, Rose would know the signs of time travel anywhere.

The human girl AA -- the one who was slated for death minutes in their future -- emerged from the light, smiling brightly. She wore the dark red clothes and gear symbol of a God Tier; only the Maid's particular style was an unfamiliar sight, contrasted with Dave's knight ensemble.

What Rose wouldn't give for Trollian's viewport to include audio as the humans confronted each other. They spoke calmly for a time, then CA tried to pass AA, only for AA to draw a whip from her specibus and crack it with such precision that it flew dangerously close without touching him. She smiled the whole time.

CA finally backed down, scowling deeper than usual as he abandoned the gate.

Rose made to contact him again to request a status update, but a new message interrupted her. A copy of apocalypseArisen's account had appeared on Trollian, sitting beneath the soon-to-be-dead AA's username.

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

AA: you really should stop interfering
AA: it makes things very difficult for us
TT: How did you contact me right now? Your chat client shouldn't be able to pinpoint my timeline.
AA: it just comes naturally to a maid of time
AA: did you heed my warning or do i need to repeat it?
TT: Heed? Certainly not.
TT: I apologize if this inconveniences you, but I have my own agenda.
TT: And while I prioritize your well beings far beneath our own, I was actually aiming to aid you.
AA: yes it was rather nice of you to try to save me but i am afraid i cant let you do that
TT: Oh? And why not?
AA: for one it leads to a doomed timeline
AA: more importantly
AA: it results in the death of all my friends when the glitch breaks loose
AA: time travel can be fickle like that
AA: i suggest you leave it to the experts :D
TT: I'm a Seer.
AA: not of time clearly
TT: Hm.
TT: So you came back in time to stop me and save your friends?
TT: You realize you've just killed yourself?
AA: it was either this or scratch the whole session
AA: and that sounded like overkill
TT: Scratch?
AA: oh it is irrelevant now that the time players planet is never materializing
AA: and even if it was
AA: i would not let you use it
AA: i rather like existing as i am
TT: I have bad news for you, considering you're a doomed iteration...
AA: i am aware of my impending death
AA: i just dont intend to let it catch up to me :)
AA: on a related note
AA: i had better run

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

AA disappeared in a flash of red, the same as when Dave time traveled. In the meteor, the overhead screen flashed and Rose's gaze snapped up.

The screen should have been on a view of the session as Daveglitch moved from planet to planet, killing any consorts he found (presumably in search of them). Instead it only showed a simple black background with white numbers, counting down from 13:40:00.

The other three also looked away from their computers to stare at the new countdown.

"What's that mean?" John asked, cautiously glancing at Rose.

Rose frowned. "I don't know. But I suggest we try to beat whatever it's counting down to."

Chapter Text

Jade had never been shy in her life. Well, it was hard to gauge how shy she was in real life, since she'd lived so far from civilization, but she liked to hope she was plenty friendly, and she'd never been afraid to hop into an online discussion, whether it was with friends or total strangers. It shouldn't have been that different with a bunch of aliens. Except... what the heck was the appropriate way to introduce herself to the citizens of a universe she'd created?

She scrolled through the human timelines, watching them grow from tiny squishy things to more recognizable creatures. How did she even decide which one to greet first? When in their timeline would be best? She wasn't used to acting without planned out strategies and hints from Skaia.

She finally settled on one of the lighter skinned humans, the one with a short mohawk. He didn't look intimidating, but he was in a four wheel device and had survived at least six sweeps without getting culled, so he must have been quite a clever or sneaky alien. She contacted him a few days before he'd be entering the Medium.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT] --

GG: hi! :)
GG: i have a few questions for you if you dont mind!
AT: uHHH,,,
AT: aRE YOU ONE OF THOSE TROLLS?
GG: yes i am!
AT: kARKAT WARNED ME, tO BLOCK YOU GUYS,
GG: who is karkat?
AT: tHAT'S CARCINOgENETICIST
AT: i MEAN ECTObIOLOGIST
AT: i MEAN,,,
AT: sHOOT,
AT: dON'T TELL HIM i TOLD YOU THAT,
AT: hE CHANGED HIS HANDLE TO AVOID YOU,
GG: why??
AT: bECAUSE, hE SAID, yOU WERE, uHH, dISTURBING,,,
GG: :O we are not!!
AT: sORRY,,,

-- adiosToreador [AT] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] --

Well, he wasn't intimidating at least, but she hadn't expected that kind of reaction. She could have overridden the block and kept trolling him, but what good would it do to question someone so determined to avoid her?

Her mouse hovered over ectoBiologist. He seemed to be their leader, so maybe it was best to clear things up with him? But if he'd already decided they were "disturbing," it might just make things worse. She chewed her lip as she debated. After a few minutes, she decided it was probably best to speak to more of an underling and hope they could let this Karkat know that they weren't so bad as whatever he was imagining.

She selected another username at random and the viewport opened on a small female human wearing a hat with pointed ears. She was dark haired and had light brown skin. (How did humans come in so many colors?) She was pretty cute for an alien, even Jade had to admit, and hopefully she would be more friendly.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] --

GG: hello!
AC: :33 < *ac lets out a warning hiss at the new intruder*
GG: ?
GG: you mean me?
AC: :33 < *ac carefully circles the nasty troll, her eyes trained on their tasty looking shins*
GG: o_o you want to eat me??
AC: :33 < *ac waits for purrcisely the right moment then pawnces on the unsuspecting troll gnawing their leg off so they cant escape*
GG: gg dodges!!
AC: :33 < *but its too late*
AC: :33 < *ac goes for the throat and ends the poor trolls suffuring*
GG: why are you doing this?! D:
AC: :33 < *is what the troll would say if they werent busy being delicious catfood*

-- arsenicCatnip [AC] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] --

Jade stared at the screen, her eyes wide and her mouth agape. What had she ever done to deserve that kind of greeting? That was just plain mean. She'd expected the humans to be friendly and harmless -- they certainly looked fragile -- but they were just as bad as some of the jerks she used to run into on Alternia message boards.

She glanced at the other three, watching their expressions for any sign of agitation as they exchanged messages with the humans. Dave's face was neutral as ever, Rose looked focused but not in distress, and John seemed downright cheerful. Either they weren't having problems or they were a lot better at shrugging them off. Well, if they could handle whatever these humans threw at them, so could she!

She chose another human, this one decked out in bright clothing and with yellow-ish white hair. She was a little too tan to be pink, but it was hard to call her brown either. Jade knew humans couldn't have a bloodcaste system, since they all shared the same strange color, but the royal sea dweller pink text still made her nervous and overly polite just to be safe, especially after the last few conversations.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] --

GG: salutations! :D i hope you are well and do not mind my intrusion!
CC: Are you really a troll?
GG: umm
GG: if i say yes are you going to be mad?
CC: Y---ES.
CC: If you bot)(er any of my friends again I will out you on every social media site anyone's ever touc)(ed!
CC: I may not be a computer wiz, but my fans are! And as soon as t)(ey get me your ISP, I will )(unt you down and gut you MYS-ELF.
GG: D: WHY??

-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] --

How were these getting progressively worse? She was really trying not to lose her patience, but these humans were pretty damn awful and she had no idea how the other three were putting up with them.

She took a deep breath. No, no, no, she could do this, she wasn't going to let some silly nerves scare her from contacting another one. No matter how nasty the aliens were, they couldn't hurt her -- well, besides sending an evil glitch out to murder them, but she sure hoped that was a big misunderstanding.

She went further back in the timeline, hoping it would make a difference, before selecting another username.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] --

GG: hello? :x

-- apocalypseArisen [AA] blocked gardenGnostic [GG] --

Jade shoved her keyboard away. "This is stupid!" She flopped back in her seat and crossed her arms, glaring daggers at the monitor. "All they've done is shout at me, threaten me, and block me!"

Rose glanced away from her screen, her hands pausing mid-keystroke. "I've had better luck than that, but I did notice that my initial contact received lukewarm responses at best."

John also pulled away from his keyboard, his eyes wide in surprise. "That's weird! Karkat and I get along fine! Dave, what about you?" He rose from his seat. "Dave? Daaaave?" He finally gave Dave a light shove as he passed on his way over to Jade's station.

Dave glanced up, pulling out an earbud. "Hunh?"

John rolled his eyes. "Never mind." He leaned over Jade's shoulder and caught her mouse, dragging it over to Trollian and clicking on the gray ectoBiologist username. "Jade, you should try talking to Karkat. He's really fun!"

Jade tried not to show her hesitation. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah! Here, this looks like a good spot on the timeline." He stopped the viewport not too far after the male human entered the Medium. "I've talked to him further along, but I haven't had a chance to help him near the start, so that can be your job!" He straightened and returned the mouse to her. "I'll just find another human to investigate. There are like a bazillion of them."

She reached for the keyboard but didn't type yet. "Okay."

He grinned and left her to it without further instruction. He must have really thought Karkat wouldn't be too bad, if he didn't even wait to make sure their initial greetings went well. She sighed and started typing.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

GG: hi!! :D
EB: OH GOD, NOW WHAT.
EB: ARE YOU ANOTHER ONE OF JOHN'S IMBECILE FRIENDS?
GG: yes and no!
GG: yes i am his friend no we are not imbeciles!
EB: SORRY, WOULD YOU PREFER "DICK LICKING MORONS"?
EB: HOW ABOUT "PUTRID ASSHOLES WHO SMELL LIKE THEY WERE BORN IN TOILETS"?
GG: jeeeeeez!!!!!
GG: look, i think we kind of started off on the wrong foot!
GG: we contacted you at the wrong time spouting some pretty silly-sounding stuff and i am sure that did not give you the best of first impressions!
GG: but i think we can really help each other out if we can just try being civil for a start!
EB: WHY?
GG: my friends and i beat the game already, so theres all sorts of things we could tell you about! and in exchange maybe we can find out what exactly you did that crashed our game??
EB: OH, I SEE HOW IT IS. YOU THINK US LOWLY HUMANS COULDN'T *POSSIBLY* BEAT THIS GAME WITHOUT A CHEAT GUIDE.
EB: WELL, FUCK YOU AND YOUR ARROGANT ASSES. WE'RE DOING *JUST FINE* AND WE'RE GOING TO BEAT THIS GAME FASTER THAN IT TAKES YOU TO TAKE A SHIT.
GG: that is not what i meant at all!
EB: A LIKELY FUCKING STORY.
EB: OR MAYBE YOU MEANT YOU'RE PLANNING TO LEAD US RIGHT INTO A TRAP LIKE A BUNCH OF SUCKERS?
GG: wow how does john put up with you?? >:( i am just trying to help!
EB: YEAH, WELL, HELP ME BY SHUTTING THE FUCK UP WHEN I'M TRYING TO SAVE A FRIEND FROM GENOCIDAL METEORITES.
GG: its an instant message! you dont have to read it immediately when you are busy!

-- ectoBiologist [EB] is no longer connected! --

GG: real mature karkat!
GG: well maybe i will just spam you with short messages so you will be treated to a wall of boring text when you sign back in!
GG: how
GG: do
GG: you
GG: like
GG: that
GG: ?

Jade sat back with a huff, crossing her arms as she watched the monitor. John was so wrong; Karkat was just as bad as the rest, maybe even worse since he just kept badmouthing her instead of blocking her.

Karkat was backhanding his computer repeatedly. His fingers pounded against the keyboard and he jiggled the mouse furiously before holding his head in his hands. Anger fading, she leaned closer and wished she could zoom in on his monitor, but after a moment even she could tell what was wrong.

His computer wasn't responding. The image of his friend's house in the Sburb window didn't move; she was pretty sure humans didn't freeze in the midst of walking, anyway. Even though there was no sound, she had a feeling she knew exactly what Karkat was shouting at the machine.

"Fucking work, fucking work, please fucking work, you stupid piece of useless shit!" He grabbed the desktop and shook it a few times until the monitor went blank. He punched the desk, his fist missing the keyboard by inches. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUUUCK!"

Torso shaking, he pressed the button at the front of the computer tower, his gaze never leaving the monitor. It took a moment, but a logo flickered on as the computer rebooted. It took an excruciating amount of time just to load past that initial startup screen.

As they waited, Jade typed a new message.

GG: sorry i just realized what happened :( don't read the messages above this one ok?

It was taking more time for the computer to boot up than Jade had patience for, so she reached for the timeline on Trollian and winced as she watched the event in fast forward: the further it went, the more panicked Karkat grew. He was actually in tears by the time the desktop icons finished loading. It still took a few more minutes before the machine was ready to open Sburb. Jade stopped fast forwarding.

Sburb was black.

EB: HEY...
EB: YOU GUYS CAN SEE ALL TWELVE OF US, RIGHT?
EB: DID ARADIA MAKE IT IN?
EB: SBURB IS BLANK BECAUSE SHE'S IN THE MEDIUM... RIGHT?
EB: HAHAHA, OF COURSE SHE IS. I'M JUST BEING A PARANOID TOOL AGAIN. SHE CAN HANDLE HERSELF BETTER WITHOUT MY STUPID ASS GETTING IN HER WAY.
EB: I MEAN SHE'S ONLY OFFLINE BECAUSE SHE'S BUSY KICKING MONSTER ASS.
EB: SHE'S FINE
EB: SHE'S JUST PLAYING A JOKE
EB: SHE'S
EB: OH GOD
EB: OH FUCK
EB: LOOK, WILL YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT PLANET SHE'S ON ALREADY??
GG: :(

For a short moment, it looked almost as if Jade's computer had frozen, for as little as anything moved in the viewport. Karkat covered his face and tears trickled through his fingers. He hunched over, his shoulders shaking from sobs.

GG: i am so sorry
GG: but if someone can maybe reach her and give her a kiss, her dream self will take over! dont give up yet!
EB: SHE WAS HIT BY A METEOR.
EB: WHERE THE FUCK ON HER CHARRED AND CRUSHED BODY IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO KISS HER EXACTLY?
GG: :(
EB: SHIT...
EB: WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO TELL THE OTHERS?
EB: SHE TRUSTED ME AND I
EB: THIS IS ALL MY FAULT
GG: nooooo it is not your fault!
GG: dont cry.....
EB: I'M NOT FUCKING CRYING!
EB: I'M NOT SOME DAMN TODDLER THAT BREAKS INTO TEARS JUST BECAUSE IT WET ITSELF.
GG: :\
GG: you remember we can see you right?
EB: JSUTJ LEAJVE ME ALKONE'/

He slammed his fist against the enter button, his face turned away from his haphazard typing. He raised his middle finger, brandishing it upwards, before pulling his legs up and burying his face in his knees.

GG: shoosh!
GG: shoosh shoosh shoosh
GG: shooooooosh
GG: it is going to be ok
GG: i am sure she would understand :(
GG: it is ok to be sad!
GG: just dont beat yourself up karkat
GG: i know this is not starting well for you, but i will help you get through this game!
GG: it will be ok!
GG: it looks like you have not used your alchemiter to its full potential yet
GG: when you calm down why dont we look at it together? i know a lot of combinations that can get you a better computer, preferably a few portable ones so we can talk more often!
GG: and if you have enough material afterward we can make you some better weapons too!!
GG: after that you should probably go fight some more imps to level up and collect extra material
GG: that way youll be prepared for anything the game might throw at you later!
GG: see? we have a strategy all prepared already! that is how ok everything is going to be!
GG: ...
GG: :(
GG: but we can wait a bit first
GG: i really AM sorry....

He raised his gaze to the monitor. Wiping his eyes with a sleeve every few seconds, he scrolled down the lengthy chat. His expression was hard to read, but at least he didn't seem angry for once. He stared much longer than it could have taken him to finish her messages.

GG: better?
EB: NOT REALLY.
EB: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO ME?
GG: umm because i am worried about you i guess!
GG: this game is really mean
GG: i know i would have liked a better guide than my sprite if that was an option
EB: WELL I'M NOT YOU, THANK FUCK.
EB: ...
GG: ...?
EB: CAN YOU REALLY GET ME A BETTER COMPUTER?
GG: yes!! :D
GG: i even made computer shoes once!
EB: WHAT.
EB: UGH...
EB: YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE.
EB: IF IT WILL GET YOU OFF MY BACK, I'LL LET YOU HELP ME A LITTLE.
EB: BUT ONLY A LITTLE. GOT IT?
GG: :D

Chapter Text

God.

Fucking.

Dammit.

Dave cranked up his music. He was chill, he didn't give shits, and he wasn't even the slightest bit thrown off by recent events. So one of his doomed timeline iterations had fucked up worse than usual. Big deal. He'd leave the worrying to the others. He was too busy keeping chill and looking for a solution.

By chatting with a bunch of useless aliens over Trollian. That would absolutely solve the problem that their lusus were dead, Sgrub was unwinnable, and they were all going to die.

He couldn't exactly claim he had any better plans and it's what John wanted. What was there to lose anyway? Other than what little time they had left before the static-y asshole found them.

Dave picked a username among the twelve without paying attention. His mouth twitched as the user's profile and viewport appeared on the screen. Naturally, he'd chosen someone who typed in a highblood's colors. Not that Dave gave a fuck; he had no reason to worry about highbloods.

There were things far more concerning than the alien's possible social status anyway. Such as the fact the asshole caked white and gray makeup all over his brown skin.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] --

TG: what
TG: in the name of the shitty frog you crawled out of
TG: are you supposed to be
TC: HoNk.
TG: ok
TG: that answers approximately fuckall
TC: hOnK hOnK. :o)
TG: i guess you assholes speak in an alien avian dialect
TG: caw caw and stuff then
TG: thats troll bird speak for stop talking like a dumbass
TC: DoN't MoThErFuCkInG bE lIkE tHaT nOw, My TrOlL bRo. I wAs JuSt GeTtInG mY wIcKeD mOtHeRfUcKiNg ElAtIoN wArMeD uP. :o)
TG: i changed my mind go back to honking
TC: cAn'T sAy I gEt MaNy ReQuEsTs FoR tHaT oNe, MoThErFuCkEr, BuT i'Ll Be HaPpY tO oBlIgE.
TC: HoNk HoNk.
TG: whatever
TG: ive got orders to follow quotas to fill places to be people to nag
TG: so question number one
TG: have you done anything so fucking stupid lately that it could fuck over a completely different universe
TC: wElL tHaT sUrE iSn'T sOuNdInG lIkE a ThInG i WoUlD'vE dOnE. hOnK.
TG: cool survey over this is pointless thanks for confirming what i already knew
TG: you aliens probably dont even have enough cumulative iq to notice if you fucked something up on an interdimensional level anyway
TG: so basically im wasting my time talking to idiots like you but what else is fucking new
TC: If I mAy PaSs On A wOrD oF aDvIcE fRoM oNe BrOtHeR tO aNoThEr...
TC: yOu MaY wAnT tO gEt YoUr MoThErFuCkInG cHiLl On SoMe. ReLaX, bRo. AiN't ThE eNd Of ThE wOrLd.
TC: HoNk. :o)
TG: excuse me i am always fucking chill
TG: i radiate so much chill that cooking is a nearly impossible pastime in my presence
TG: that foods staying cold doesnt matter how much fire you give it when im around to cancel out the heat
TG: that is how chill i am at all times including now especially now
TC: sOuNdS lIkE yOu'Re On EdGe To Me, MoThErFuCkEr.
TG: the fuck i am
TG: not that i wouldnt have every damn right to be considering my friends are fucked six ways from next perigee and theres not one goddamn thing i can do to help them
TG: anyone else would probably panic or something in a situation like this and i cant say id blame em
TG: but i remain chill as always
TC: BrO, yOu'Re SoUnDiNg LiKe My MoThErFuCkInG bEsT fRiEnD wHeN hE's TrYiNg To PrEtEnD hE dOeSn'T nEeD tO cAlM hIs AsS dOwN. yOu BoTh NeEd To LeT sOmE sHiT bE.
TC: iF tHeRe'S nOtHiNg YoU cAn Do To FiX yOuR pReDiCaMeNt, BeSt To AcCePt It. MaYbE iT's FoR tHe MoThErFuCkInG bEsT aNd YoUr MiNd JuSt HaSn'T bEeN oPeNeD eNoUgH yEt To SeE iT. :o)
TG: that is the biggest case of bullshit ive heard since the great hoofbeast stampede of 06
TG: fuckers left droppings all over the town it was smelly and squishy and an unnatural shade of green
TG: no shoes were safe
TG: but its nothing compared to the stench of the crap spewing from your mouth
TC: WeLl It'S a MoThErFuCkInG sHaMe YoU fEeL tHaT wAy. BuT tHiNgS wIlL bE wOrKiNg ThEiR wAy OuT oF tRoUbLe If YoU lEt ThEm Do YoU tHaT sOlId.
TC: a MiRaClE's CoMiNg YoUr WaY, bRo. I cAn MoThErFuCkInG fEeL iT.
TG: check it time to get repetitive
TG: hoofbeast
TG: shit
TC: gOtTa HaVe MoRe FaItH tHaN tHaT, bRo. AlL yOuR dIsBeLiEvInG's ThRoWiNg OfF aLl ThEsE cHaNcEs At SoMe MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS.
TC: FoCuS oN tHe PoSiTiVe, My GoOd MoThErFuCkEr. CaN't Be MaKiNg AnY hApPy EnDiNgS wItH tHaT kInD oF dOwNeR aTtItUdE.
TC: wOrLd lIkEs A gOoD nAtUrEd MoThErFuCkEr. BrO, iT's No WoNdEr YoU'rE iN sUcH a BiNd If AlL yOu'Re Up AnD pAsSiNg ArOuNd Is ThE cYnIcIsM.
TC: HoNk. :o)
TG: this is not our fucking fault
TG: its yours
TG: you fucked us over
TG: your clueless team fucked us over
TG: your entire goddamn universe fucked us right up the ass without lubricant
TG: and youre trying to pass the blame to us
TG: fuck you fuck your species and fuck your goddamn miracle hoofbeastshit

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC] --

How did the others think this was anything other than a waste of time? These aliens were worse than useless.

Dave drummed his fingers against the desk in beat to his music. Obviously he was chill. That delusional juggalo just needed to stop slurping slime (or whatever aliens did to get high) and sharing his drugged up hallucinations with strangers. Dave had better shit to do than listen to wasted morons give him irrelevant advice.

That was a lie. There was no better shit to do when his only tasks involved contacting more of these sponge-numbing idiots.

He picked another username and glanced over this one's timeline. Like hell he was going to risk talking to another high juggalo, but this alien seemed to keep himself together and favored computers over greasy paint. Maybe it'd be an improvement over the last one, but he wasn't counting on it.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

TG: lemme guess youre their incompetent programmer
TA: hii and welcome two my autore2ponder. your u2ername ii2nt famiiliiar 2o youve been automatiically rediirected two my homemade iin2ult generator. every tiime you 2end a me22age, you wiill receiive one 2hiittya22 iin2ult iin reply. iif thii2 ii2 2ome kiind of mii2take and ii actually know you, too fuckiing bad ii gue22. text me or 2ome 2hiit.
TG: well fuck me i guess your team had to luck out somewhere and recruited someone who can actually put two lines of code together without exploding anything congratulations i hope that makes you feel better when you all inevitably die horribly later
TA: ii gue22 you diidnt lii2ten the fiir2t tiime, fuckbraiin. that wa2nt a joke. ii have liike a thou2and iin2ult2 here, waiitiing for 2omeone dumb enough two 2et them all off.
TG: id call you on bullshit but no one can type that fast so i guess this autoresponder of yours isnt a total fabrication
TA: iive met 2pambot2 wiith more 2en2e than you.
TG: the real insult here is that i dont know whether you delete these logs automatically or if you scroll through them at your leisure later
TA: iim 2urprii2ed the 2ciienti2t2 havent 2tolen you away two experiiment on how youre 2tiill aliive wiithout a workiing braiin.
TG: so either i should be sending you some sick burns to make you regret reading this
TA: diid your webcam melt at the 2iight of your face la2t tiime you triied two u2e iit?
TG: or sending you useful spoilers that could save your asses to make you regret not reading this
TA: your mother wa2 a ham2ter and your father 2melled of elderberriie2.
TG: that doesnt even make fucking sense
TA: ii fart iin your general diirectiion.
TG: who the hell taught you insults
TA: 2peakiing of your mother, 2he told me la2t niight what a pathetiic faiilure of a chiild you are.
TG: seriously how did you not get culled for this pathetic excuse of a program
TA: 2he empha2iized you were e2peciially bad iin the bedroom department. you 2iick fuck.
TG: i guess the imperial drones on your planet feel sorry for the little fuckers who hatch with a broken think pan and they saw your feeble attempts at insults and just said
TA: ju2t a remiinder that ii wa2nt fuckiing jokiing about codiing iin a thou2and iin2ult2. ii gue22 iif youre thii2 far along, youre two fuckiing 2tubborn, not two mentiion 2tupiid a2 2hiit, two giive up now. dont worry, iill grab more iinsult2 onliine or 2omethiing iif ii 2u2pect youll actually reach my liimiit.
TG: i wasnt fucking finished
TA: ii hear they kiicked you off of 4chan for haviing dii2gu2tiingly bad ta2te.
TG: you know your attempts at insults are just short of amusing in how they suck and all
TA: the be2t part about thii2 conver2atiion ii2 tryiing two gue22 who taught a monkey how two type iin the fiir2st place. waiit, nevermiind, that iin2ult ii2 way two mean two monkey2.
TG: but im getting kinda sick of you interrupting me when im about to go on a roll
TA: your 2tench ii2 2o bad ii can 2mell iit over iin2tant me22age.
TG: youre supposed to be drowning in a sea of red not a fucking ocd pattern of red yellow red yellow red
TA: are you iilliiterate or ju2t that de2perate for human contact?
TG: fuck you im still not done talking
TA: diidnt ii teabag your noob a22 iin halo when ii wa2 eiight?

He wasn't that familiar with the time controls on Trollian, but it only took a few seconds of searching to find the button that looked like it would pause the human timeline. He pressed it before typing again.

TG: two can play at manipulating simple software motherfucker
TG: here i almost felt bad for giving you guys shit
TG: but nah thanks for reaffirming my suspicion that you dont deserve an ounce of respect let alone a shot at rebuking our allegations
TG: and so help me
TG: if my abilities reach that far
TG: the exact moment you die in this timeline i will make time
TG: slow
TG: to
TG: a
TG: crawl
TG: as you bleed out over an eternity
TG: so i guess you better go code some software that can deal with that for you too

He unpaused Trollian and watched the message window light up in a stream of yellow responses, flying by too fast to read before they had been replaced by a new insult. The messages didn't stop even after their number matched the ones he sent; he'd probably thrown the program into an infinite loop.

The human hesitated. Dave couldn't zoom in enough to read the fucker's monitor, but if his body language was any indicator -- frantically tapping at the keyboard, jiggling the mouse, facepalming intermittently -- the infinite loop was doing way more damage on his end. The human had to resort to holding the power button and grimacing as the computer flickered off and restarted.

Dave waited through all of it. He reached for the keyboard again once the computer finished rebooting.

TG: i hope you got all that id hate to have to retype it since its too hot for copypaste to handle
TA: what the everloviing fuck diid you do?
TG: no wonder you guys fuck up so royally
TG: if thats all it takes to break the best excuse for coding you have to offer
TA: go two hell.

-- twinArmageddons [TA] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: protip
TG: try all you like
TG: you cant block me
TA: FUCK YOU.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

Part of him wanted to stay and watch the fireworks as the human spewed a set of angry insults not generated by a computer. The other part of him won out and he exited the chat window. The guy was getting on his nerves and it was only appropriate to give him a turn at messaging an unresponsive user.

Fuck it. This was bullshit. IMing a handful of aliens too stupid to know their bulges from their horns wasn't going to get them anywhere. If John didn't know that, Rose should have, yet here they were delaying the inevitable like a rustblood trying to outrun a drone.

Sooner or later that drone was gonna catch up. Dave had always known that, but he guessed he couldn't blame the others for sinking into denial. Maybe they deserved that small hope, 'cos they sure as hell didn't deserve to be going through this with him.

He was done pretending though. If he couldn't fix things, he might as well have fun with it.

He chose the next username with purpose.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: so youre the leader
TG: the big fermented cheese
TG: the ectobiologist
CG: ...ARE YOU THE WORLD'S SHITTIEST SPAMBOT?
TG: nah man
TG: im flesh and blood and a kickass set of candy corn horns
CG: OH GOD. YOU'RE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE TROLLS.
TG: hey its smarter than it looks
CG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP BOTHERING US?
CG: I'D BELIEVE IT IF YOU HAD A BONE TO PICK WITH ME, BUT THE OTHERS DON'T DESERVE THIS KIND OF VOMIT ON THEIR MONITORS.
TG: they will
CG: YOU GUYS NEVER MAKE ANY DAMN SENSE, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?
TG: yeah i dont care
TG: bottom line is you fucked us over
TG: my friends and i are just waiting for death at this point
TG: and i dont care about me i wasnt expecting to make it to adulthood anyway
TG: but they had a chance and you fucking took it away
CG: HAS THE ART OF TROLLING FALLEN TO THE DREGS OF "LET'S BE AS INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND BORING AS POSSIBLE" NOW?
CG: IS THIS TROLLING DADAISM?
TG: not that i dont appreciate some good surrealism
TG: but it is very fucking realism when i tell you
TG: if i ever find a way into your universe you and i are going to be making some killer modernism
TG: my paintbrush
TG: and gallons of your blood
TG: we can call it
TG: untitled 37: red on canvas
TG: it will be the ugliest laziest painting in the whole gallery
TG: the critics will love it
CG: AN ANONYMOUS TROLL THREATENING TO TRACK ME DOWN AND KILL ME. HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL. DO ANY OF YOUR TARGETS ACTUALLY BUY THAT?
TG: i know exactly where you are
TG: you have terrible taste in movies by the way and my best friend is the king of bad taste
TG: hang on i think i can make out the title on one of your posters
TG: 50 first dates? even the title is shitty
TG: is that human adam sandler
CG: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?
CG: DID SOLLUX PUT YOU UP TO THIS?
TG: no one did
TG: im supposed to be interrograting you or some shit but whatever you did we clearly cant change it so why bother
TG: instead im letting you know that you wont get away with it
CG: WOW, I'M PISSING MYSELF IN TERROR.
CG: NEXT YOU CAN SEND ANON HATE TO MY NONEXISTENT TUMBLR.
TG: yeah i see you shivering in your ugly red tshirt
CG: WHAT
TG: did you know theres a hole in the left sleeve

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked turntechGodhead [TG] --

Minutes ahead in the human's timeline, the username carcinoGeneticist became inactive and was replaced on Trollian by ectoBiologist. Dave smirked.

Chapter Text

Well, that kind of sucked. John had been looking forward to helping Karkat play Sgrub- err, Sburb, but Jade seemed to be getting along with him pretty well, after having such lousy luck with the other humans no less. They just had too much investigating to do for John to swoop in and double-up on the same human, even if he thought Karkat was pretty neat.

It was okay though. He'd just find a new alien buddy to work with. How hard could it be, with twelve humans to choose from?

Actually, that was maybe an overwhelming number of choices, wow, and who knew which ones had already made Jade upset? How much did it even take to make Jade upset? She was so cheerful; it was hard to imagine anything could unsettle her that wasn't really awful.

If she could brave through it, though, so could he. He was the friendleader and all, and that had to mean something. Even if that something was delving into unfriendly territory when he really didn't want to.

He chose a username colored in a dark blue that reminded him of the indigo caste -- he used to have a very nice if bossy indigoblood neighbor, back before Alternia was destroyed by falling meteors. He scrolled up the timeline until the human in question had just entered the Medium before initiating contact.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] --

CT: D--> You're another one of those lowly trolls
GT: yes! hello, i am the friendleader of the sgrub exploration team from an alternate dimension to yours. i am working to find out what went wrong in your game!
CT: D--> Leader
CT: D--> Then you are the highest ranking member of your comrades
GT: well, no, rose is the future empress of my party. but she is my pale girlfriend for whatever that is worth.
CT: D--> You do not make the commands then
GT: uhh, i guess technically i'm supposed to? but mostly i just let her do the ordering people around shit.
GT: i'm really more interested in working together instead of making demands!
CT: D--> This does not fol100w any sort of proper protocol
CT: D--> You are the leader yet you're given orders
GT: uh i guess?
CT: D--> Troll
CT: D--> I command you to e%plain the method behind your relationship with this Rose empress
CT: D--> Particularly the chain of command she utilizes against you and your devoted submission to her
CT: D--> In e%crutiating detail
GT: ew, no.
CT: D--> Yes
GT: no!
CT: D--> Yes
GT: no!!!
CT: D--> Yes
GT: you know, you are kind of creepy! and WEIRD.
GT: rose just bosses me around sometimes but it's only when she knows better and i'm probably being stupid, okay?
CT: D--> She bosses the leader
CT: D--> Oh my fudge
CT: D--> I need a towel
GT: uhhh.....
GT: hey you know what i'll just leave you to that!!

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT] --

He wasn't sure what else he should have expected, with a username like that. No wonder Jade was having trouble with finding a tolerable human to troll.

There just wasn't time to be distracted by really weird humans though, especially with that creepyass clock ticking down to who knew what. He just had to shake his head and move on. No problem! He wasn't shaken by a creep asking for bizarre and unsettling details of his moirallegiance, nope.

John's mouse gravitated towards the other remaining blue username on his chumproll. It was almost the same shade as his blood. There was still a danger he'd get some weirdo on the other end, but the color felt familiar and reassuring.

He clicked it, sticking to the same spot on the timeline. If they were awful again, he'd just block them.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] --

GT: hello!
AG: Theeeeeeeere you are.
AG: I was wondering when I'd hear from you again. ::::)
AG: Feeling 8etter, John?
GT: oh jeez, not again.
GT: i guess i go back in time and talk to a past you and explain stuff and tell you my name?
AG: Yep!!!!!!!! More or less anyway!
AG: I was pretty sure you were 8Sing me, actually, especially with what the rest of you trolls are like.
AG: 8ut I'm willing to give you the 8enefit of the dou8t now.
AG: Considering Ampora already said he saw a cr8zy time-traveling Megido, I gueeeeeeeess it's possible you're really my time-hopping mentor.
GT: whoa, mentor?
GT: i said that? 'cos i do not feel qualified to be a mentoring figure just yet!
AG: Well, you said we'd be friends at least. And that we'd be gr8 together!!!!!!!!
GT: okay, well, i'd like being friends! and future me probably knows what he's talking about.
AG: O8viously! I'm already pretty gr8, after all. :::;) Can only get 8etter from here!
AG: I'm pretty curious how you plan to help me be gr8er though. You have a tough jo8 ahead of you, John!
GT: uh, well i already beat your game once!
GT: so i can help you with that.
AG: Sorry to 8urst your 8u88le, 8ut I don't really need help on that front! I'm gr8, remem8er???????? Especially at games!
GT: even if you don't need tips on where to go next and how to beat the baddies, i can tell you shortcuts and use my cool troll technology to watch your back though! that could be useful, right?
AG: Hmmmmmmm. What's in it for you, exactly?
GT: your game goes a little haywire later on and it's affected the instance of the medium i'm in so we're in danger and can't get out!
GT: so i'll just be following you around to maybe find out what happened and if we can fix it! :D
AG: Sounds like a tough 8r8k for your team, eh?
AG: All right, I'm willing to give this a try if you can point me in the direction of level-ups. Just don't 8ackseat game too much, ok?
GT: got it! thank you!
GT: so what's your name?
AG: You can call me Marquise Spinneret Mindfang!!!!!!!! >::::D
GT: wow that's a mouthful.
GT: are all human names that difficult? and kind of hard to spell?
GT: karkat's was pretty easy. i liked his name.
AG: Pffffffff, his name is LAME!
AG: Spinneret is 8888% cooler!
GT: is that reeeeally your name?
GT: wait, i mean...
GT: reeeeeeeeally?
AG: ::::O
AG: You used 8!!!!!!!!
GT: heheh, i noticed your pattern and figured you'd like that.
AG: <33333333
AG: Okay, fine, smart guy. For that, I'll admit, Spinneret's not my real name. It is my 8adass roleplaying name, so you can call me that for now anyway!
GT: pff, that's stupid. but fiiine.
AG: >::::(
GT: SIGH.
GT: fiiiiiiiine!
GT: that is actually very difficult to count out, did you ever notice that!
AG: You get used to it!
GT: i hope so! i almost sent seven instead!
GT: i'm john by the way.
AG: ........
GT: wait you knew that.
AG: Nice catch.
GT: do you know my last name too? did future me mention that?
AG: Nope! Just that you're John and shit goes down and that I'm gr8!
GT: ok well then...
GT: it's strider.
AG: Wow. That's a really dum8 name.
GT: it totally is. i have the dumbest name. only a super lame kid could have a name like that.
GT: (hehehehe)
AG: C'mon, Strider, don't talk like a loser. We're here to 8e WINNERS!!!!!!!! >::::D
AG: Even if you come with the handicap of an unfortunate name, unlike me!
AG: I'll overlook this once, 8ut I don't want mentored 8y a self-depreci8ing loser! Ugh, I might as well go to Karkat for THAT.
GT: oh, no, don't worry i am pretty cool. it is just my name, that is mine, that is not cool in the slightest.
AG: Much 8etter. ::::) Now let's get to 8eing the gr8test players S8ur8's ever seen and saving the day!
GT: ok!
GT: step one is to make as much awesome shit with the alchemiter as you can until you run out of grist. then we can equip it all and start really mowing down some enemies!
AG: Piiiiiiiiece of cake!

John sat back with a sigh of relief as Spinneret got to work with the alchemizing. That wasn't so hard after all! Spinneret wasn't as funny as Karkat, but he liked her already. Much better than the creepy CT guy and whoever had given Jade so much trouble.

He glanced around the lab. Rose, Dave, and Jade were all engrossed in their computers, typing frequently. He guessed that meant they were making progress too. Good. They were going to find a way out of this mess, he was pretty damn certain. With teamwork and stuff!

He turned his gaze back to his monitor and frowned a bit. Spinneret had alchemized several new outfits, a bunch of useless junk (not that he could talk on that front), and some nifty computers, but no new weapons. The new additions to her wardrobe weren't even armor, just... aesthetic changes.

Well, aliens came with different priorities. That was inevitable. And stupid, but oh well. Either way, humans sure did like their clothes.

* * *

Rose hummed to herself. Did she want to test out the limits of her Seer powers through another dimension, or try old fashioned sleuthing and just ask around for the mysterious "Kan" who most likely authored her walkthrough?

Well, there was always the chance that one would lead to the other. Might as well try to See and go from there. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply to block out the anxiety from the rest of her reality -- imminent death at the hands of a mind controlled ally, the countdown ticking down to an unknown moment, the broken endgame door...

She Saw a flash of jade text. Whether she'd found Kan or not, she knew she had the right starting point for the best possible outcome.

She selected the corresponding username and the viewport opened on a dark brown-skinned human. As far as she could tell, all the human had done since entering the Medium was alchemize a large assortment of varied outfits. How peculiar.

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

TT: Hello, Kan?
GA: Um
GA: Eridan
GA: Is That You
GA: Did You Change Your Username And Become A Troll
GA: Thats Really Quite Uncivilized Of You And I Hope You Know Better
TT: Well, in that case, I have some fantastic news for you.
GA: Oh
GA: Did I Win An Ipad
GA: I Will Have You Know I Dont Open Links From Strangers
GA: Thank You All The Same
GA: Please Scam Someone Else
TT: More good news!
TT: A scam just happens to be the furthest thing from my mind.
TT: I take it from your matching typing quirk that you are, in fact, Kan?
GA: Well I Guess The Answer Is Not No
GA: But There Is Only One Person Who Calls Me That So Also The Answer Is Not Yes
TT: Would that person happen to be CA?
GA: You Have Met Eridan Then
GA: That Explains It At Least
TT: Is there a name you'd prefer?
GA: Oh Do Not Get Me Wrong I Do Not Mind His Silly Nicknaming Habits
GA: I Am Just Unaccustomed To Seeing It Come From An Internet Stranger Who Pesterchum Tells Me Is In Fact A Troll
GA: Are You Here To Cause Emotional Distress
GA: Should I Be Blocking You
TT: I can't guarantee a lack of emotional distress resulting from our contact, but for what it's worth that is unintentional on my part and more an unfortunate side effect of our circumstances.
TT: My name is Rose Lalonde. I'm an alien to you and I'm the heiress of the great troll empire.
GA: Forgive Me I Did Not Realize I Was In The Presence of Royalty Where Are My Manners
GA: How Does It Go
GA: Curtsy
GA: Drat
GA: Where Is The Block Button Anyway
TT: Please don't.
TT: This is my first foray into interplanetary diplomacy and unfortunately the stakes on my end are quite high.
GA: One Moment I Need To Pester Sollux I Am Sure He Knows Where It Is Located
TT: If you don't sympathize with a suspicious group of strangers, that's more than understandable, but you should be aware that the stakes are high for you as well.
TT: Your Time player has already died. Your other friends may meet similar fates.
GA: You Know About Aradia
TT: I'm sorry. I tried to prevent it from happening, but the Alpha timeline has other plans in mind for you that requires her death.
GA: I See
GA: And For What Purpose Are You Contacting Me
GA: If You Apparently Cannot Change Events
TT: Data gathering, mainly.
TT: Is that a field of interest for you?
GA: Not In Particular
GA: I Spend My Time With Fashion Magazines And Supernatural Young Adult Novels For The Most Part
TT: Is anyone on your team more of the information gathering type, then?
TT: Keeping track of what you know about Sburb, perhaps?
GA: No I Do Not Believe So Mostly Karkat Just Bosses Us Around And We Either Obey Or We Dont
GA: Admittedly That Has Not Worked So Well For Us Thus Far
TT: How inconvenient. I would have thought someone would have put together a document compiling what everyone has learned so far...
TT: And spread it around to make sure the team is up to speed and doesn't repeat any stupid mistakes. That sort of silliness.
GA: Hm
GA: That Does Seem Useful
GA: I Would Suggest It To Karkat But I Am Fairly Certain He Will Dismiss It Since It Was Not His Idea
GA: And Then He Would Regret It In A Few Hours
GA: And Probably Complain About His Past Self Again
GA: Compiling Game Information Really Might Not Be A Bad Task To Attempt While The Others Focus On Their Monster Killing Quests
TT: I imagine it would be quite beneficial.
TT: I would be more than willing to work with you and help you organize it, if the task seems too daunting. It would be a learning experience for both of us, I imagine.
GA: I Do Not Entirely Trust You Yet
GA: But You Do Not Seem Particularly Nasty For A Troll In Fact You Have Been Quite Polite If A Little Sarcastic
GA: And I Would Appreciate Aid On A Project None Of My Friends Are Likely To Want To Participate In
TT: Does this mean I'm not blocked?
GA: For The Time Being I Will Assume You Mean No Harm
GA: But I Will Block You With A Swift Vengeance If I Suspect Betrayal
TT: Fair enough. I shall make sure your faith in me isn't misplaced.
TT: May I have your name, or is Kan sufficient?
GA: Oh Of Course I Am Kanaya Maryam
TT: Thank you, Kanaya. It's a pleasure to work with you.
TT: You may want to start with what you know about entering the Medium.
GA: All Of Us Have Already Entered The Medium So Information On That Would Be Rather Pointless
TT: Well...
TT: You never know when the basics may come in handy again, that's all.

Not that Rose doubted her abilities, but sometimes it was a relief to confirm that Dave's strings weren't the only ones she could pull without effort. She hadn't even needed to abuse her Seer powers to steer Kanaya straight into opening the empty document that would become the walkthrough stored safely on Rose's hard drive.

* * *

So far, so good! Once Karkat was armed with a new computer -- and some shiny new clothes he insisted on alchemizing -- he was well underway to moving along in the game. Most importantly, no one else had died yet! That was a very good thing, in Jade's book.

Still no progress on the source of the glitch, but they had time! Hopefully, probably. Even if Daveglitch found them soon, they'd find a way to hold him off long enough to find a new safe haven, she was sure of it. She wouldn't let the others come to harm and she knew they felt the same way, so they'd work it out.

Aside from the fear of impending doom, watching someone else play Sgrub after she knew all the tricks was almost fun! Even if Karkat was the most grumpy person she had ever met.

EB: COULD THIS GAME BE MORE REDUNDANT AND TEDIOUS?
EB: WE GRIND FOR XP AND LOOT, WE BUILD OUR HOUSE UP. WE GRIND SOME MORE, WE BUILD SOME MORE. THE MONSTERS GET TOUGHER, WE GRIND SOME MORE, WE BUILD SOME MORE... IS THAT SERIOUSLY ALL THERE GODDAMN IS TO THIS GAME?
GG: weeeeeell
GG: i guess mostly!
GG: but i thought it was fun to explore all the lands and meet the consorts! :D
GG: it was even a little fun to learn how to beat all the new underlings as they show up
GG: giclopses are quite a few levels above you still, but theyre tricky in a nice challenging way once you get there!
EB: OH BOY, MORE GRINDING.
GG: oh!!! and since youre the knight i guess you will be helping your space player make a genesis frog
GG: i think she is GA?
EB: THAT'S KANAYA
EB: SHE'S COOL
EB: AT LEAST WORKING WITH HER WON'T SUCK.
GG: see? :D this game can be fun especially when you work with your friends!
EB: WHATEVER, I STILL THINK YOU'RE TOO DAMN CHIPPER ABOUT A VIDEO GAME THAT'S TRYING TO MURDER US.
EB: SO WHAT KIND OF MONSTER IS THAT?
GG: hmm?

She zoomed out of the viewport until she saw the underling standing in Karkat's path. It was a regular imp, a little different-looking from what she was used to since it wasn't prototyped with any lusii, but that wasn't what made it stand out. It had managed to clip through the tip of a tree branch, resulting in a constant collision that kept it floating a foot off the ground and unable to move from that position.

Its feet moved as if it was walking, but it couldn't break free from the tree's near-invisible hold. Its form glitched from normal visuals to disappearing in a flash of white and back again, almost like a strobe light.

GG: it is just an imp but.........
GG: ours never acted like that :o
EB: WOW, THIS GAME IS FUCKING BUGGY
EB: HANG ON, I THINK ITS COLLISION DETECTOR IS STILL REACHABLE...

Karkat equipped his sickles and slashed at the imp. It took a few hits to sap through its HP even in its defenseless state, then it burst into a small shower of grist. Even the grist flickered as if the graphics hadn't loaded quite fully, until Karkat collected it.

GG: that was really weird o_____o
EB: YOUR VERSION OF THE GAME DIDN'T HAVE BROKENASS ENEMIES?
GG: no!!!!
GG: ours worked perfectly!
GG: i mean until the endgame obviously :\
EB: GO FUCKING FIGURE, OURS IS RIDDLED WITH BUGS.
EB: AND FUCKING LOOK AT THAT, THERE'S MORE OF THEM.
GG: oh noooo...

She checked and, sure enough, a number of the imps in the surrounding area were acting strangely, clipping through objects or spawning upside down. One was even missing a limb and kept trying to move as if nothing was amiss, which just resulted in many trips.

At least it meant Karkat could plow through them with little to no resistance. Free XP, she supposed?

GG: what a mess...
EB: NO FUCK.
EB: THESE ASSHOLES ARE LIKE SITTING DUCKS. WHATEVER THAT ACTUALLY MEANS. SITTING IMPS, STUCK IN A DUCK POND MADE OF VIDEO GAME BUGS LEFTOVER FROM DEVS TOO LAZY TO QA THEIR GAME RIGHT.
EB: THESE MONSTERS ARE ALMOST PITIFUL, REALLY
GG: platonically i assume :)
EB: ......YES, JADE, PITY IS USUALLY PRETTY PLATONIC
GG: well generally speaking that is a pretty blatant quadrant solicitation! o_o
GG: unless you mean pity towards npcs doesnt count??
EB: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT? WHAT'S A QUADRANT?
GG: errr the romantic quadrants?
EB: WOW, LOOK AT YOU, SPEWING MORE WORDS THAT MAKE NO DAMN SENSE.
EB: JADE HARLEY, EVERYBODY. LET'S JUST STRING RANDOM NONSENSE TOGETHER AND PRETEND WE HAVE A SENTENCE!
GG: hey!!! dont be so mean!
GG: quadrants are common sense! pity comes from the redder ones while rivalry stems from the blacker side of things!
GG: dont humans have that???
EB: NO? WE HAVE ONE KIND OF ROMANCE AND THAT'S CALLED GODDAMN "TRUE LOVE" BUT I GUESS ALIENS ARE TOO HIGH AND MIGHTY FOR THAT
GG: huh :o
GG: well we have four kinds of romance and um
GG: pity is the source for two of them!
EB: OH
EB: THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS KIND OF INTERESTING
EB: MORONIC AND OVERCOMPLICATED AND A WASTE OF ROMANTIC ENERGY, BUT INTERESTING IN, YOU KNOW, A SCHOLARLY WAY.
EB: SINCE I'M THE RESIDENT EXPERT ON ALL THINGS RELATED TO ROMANCE AND ALL.
GG: it seems pretty normal to me!
GG: but i could tell you more i guess while you grind
GG: we needed something new to talk about anyway
EB: SURE WHY NOT?
EB: LET'S HEAR MORE OF YOUR CLEARLY INFERIOR MATING RITUALS.
EB: IF IT'S NOT EDUCATIONAL, AT LEAST IT'LL BE A LAUGH.

Chapter Text

Humans were the easiest fuckers to troll that Dave had ever encountered. He'd met some gullible rustbloods in his time, especially after launching SBaHJ and gaining a steady audience, but none of them were so easily unnerved. His threats were mostly empty -- for fuck's sake, how was he supposed to hurt some shitass brats over the Internet? Let alone when they were in another goddamn universe? -- but the humans reacted as if he was hiding in their closets, ready to make good on his word that very second.

They grew most agitated when he could throw in a detail or two about their physical space. Their alien instant messaging program must have been exceptionally primitive, if they couldn't even entertain the idea of a working viewport.

Most of them tried to pick fights right back with him like stubborn assholes. They didn't do too bad a job, sometimes, but they all tried blocking him eventually. That was usually when it got boring anyway, so he let them go, thinking their block was successful. It'd be all the more amusing when they found out later that Trollian could still break through without even trying.

By that point he was fairly sure he'd trolled all twelve of them at least once, usually timed long before they were supposed to enter their game of Sburb. Well, make that eleven out of twelve. He wasn't keeping track of who he'd already contacted or anything, he might've missed a few still, but he knew damn well he had yet to break the ice with the orange-haired girl who'd sent the JPEG attachment that alerted them to the humans' presence to begin with.

There was no rush. He wasn't concerned at all that she'd managed to send him a JPEG covered in his blood color. Nothing like that. He was just taking things at a leisurely pace.

Fuck, he needed to actually troll her soon if even he was gonna believe that bullshit.

He set the timeline marker so that she was freshly in Sburb. It had seemed funnier to contact the others before they knew about all the shit involving the game, but that didn't feel right with her. He wanted to strike at her during a weaker moment, when she was out of her element.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: hey attention worthless human
GC: WORTHL3SS HUM4N R3PORT1NG FOR DUTY S1R
TG: wow one of you actually got the memo
GC: Y34H 1 R34D 4LL 4BOUT HOW SOM3 L4M3 4L13N W4S DU3 TO TROLL M3 1N 4 FUT1L3 4TT3MPT TO CONSOL3 H1MS3LF OV3R TH3 M1N1 S1Z3 OF H1S D1CK
TG: the fuck is a dick
GC: 1TS 4 TH1NG YOU DONT H4V3 H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
TG: i always felt like there was something missing in my life
TG: who knew it was some ugly alien appendage
GC: YOUR F4C3 1S 4N UGLY 4L13N 4PP3ND4G3
TG: well shit consider me burned
TG: first my thankful lack of one of your weirdass human dicks
TG: and now my face has been thoroughly insulted
TG: damn is this next part where you finish me off with a threatening jpg of red scribbles
GC: :?
TG: never mind it doesnt matter the point is this is lame as fuck
GC: Y34H 1 NOT1C3D
GC: YOUR3 PR3TTY BOR1NG FOR 4 TROLL
TG: i am the coolest text to have ever graced your primitive human computer monitor
TG: not my fault if your weak alien think pans arent wired to recognize pure ironic awesome when they see it
GC: Y444444444WN
GC: SO BOR3D
GC: NO WOND3R 3V3RYON3 3LS3 TR13D BLOCK1NG YOU
TG: and its any wonder how you dumbasses fucked everything up in sburb
TG: youre not even smart enough to have good taste
GC: OH NO 4 J3RK ON TH3 1NT3RN3T 1NSULT3D MY OP1N1ON WH4T3V3R W1LL 1 DO???? D:
GC: TH1S 1S TH3 WORST D4Y OF MY L1F3
TG: you better believe its about to be
TG: i can see the future fucker and right now your fortune lies in getting a verbal asswhooping followed by a game thatll tear you and your friends limb from limb
TG: have fun with that ill be sure to record the best moments and send them to you in your dying moments
GC: SO 4R3 YOU 4CTU4LLY 3NJOY1NG TH1S R1GHT NOW L1K3 FOR R34L
TG: it kills time and annoys you
GC: SO YOUR3 MOR3 BOR3D TH4N 1 4M
TG: im so much more advanced than you that i dont even measure my state in boredom anymore
TG: im just in a perpetual state of awesome
GC: 4ND TH4TS WHY YOUV3 GOT SUUUCH 4N 4W3SOM3 L1F3 TH4T YOU H4V3 NOTH1NG B3TT3R TO DO TH4N TROLL STR4NGERS ON TH3 1NT3RN3T >:]
TG: my life was absolutely amazing until twelve aliens got their sticky appendages up in it
TG: man if youd seen the kinda shit i used to get up to youd shit yourself with envy
TG: you just wish you could be that cool
TG: but sorry man you cant even gain a drop of this no matter how much you associate with me
GC: TH4TS OK4Y YOU C4N K33P 1T YOU PROB4BLY COULD US3 4LL TH3 H3LP YOU C4N G3T
TG: hey guess what this conversation aint about
TG: me
TG: i am none of your business
TG: related fact: i am too hot for you to handle anyway
TG: so lets focus on the more appropriate subject matter staring us in the face
GC: 4R3 YOU 4BOUT TO CONF3SS TRU3 LOV3 L1K3 1N 4LL TH3 MOV13S WH3R3 TH3 4SSHOL3 GUY W4S JUST H4RBOR1NG 4 DUMB4SS CRUSH
TG: the subject matter being that youre about to get your ass kicked five ways from- fuck no fuck you what the fuck
TG: thats sick youre an alien and also i am so out of your league
GC: 4W B4BY YOU DONT H4V3 TO B3 SO TSUND3R3 W1TH M3 ;]
TG: i am not whatever that is
TG: stop fucking distracting me
GC: 1 TH1NK YOUR3 TH3 ON3 D1STR4CT1NG M3 4CTU4LLY
GC: 4LL H3Y STUP1D HUM4N P4Y 4TT3NT1ON TO M3 CH3CK OUT HOW COOL 1 4M
TG: i am the coolest thing you will ever come in contact with not denyin that but youre not worthy of checking it
GC: OH NO MY L1F3 1S RU1N3D
GC: PL34S3 COOLK1D L3T M3 B4SK 1N YOUR GLORY
GC: 1TS NOT L1K3 1 H4V3 OTH3R SH1T TO DO TH4N HUMOR SOM3 D3SP3R4T3 4L13N
GC: W41T
GC: 1D34 :]
GC: YOU C4N S33 US THROUGH YOUR W31RD 4L1EN T3CH R1GHT
TG: yeah our weird alien tech can do a lot of cool shit you humans cant even begin to comprehend
GC: GR34T YOU C4N T3LL M3 HOW TH1S SH1RT 1 JUST 4LCH3M1Z3D LOOKS
TG: looks like it took a dump in hoofbeast barf then took a swim in the mixture
GC: OK
GC: WH4T COLOR 1S 1T
TG: wow youre making this too easy
TG: cant you see you fucking dumbass
GC: NO 1 C4NT YOU FUCK1NG DUMB4SS
TG: yeah obviously
TG: wait
TG: you cant see
GC: GOOD JOB R3P34T1NG WH4T 1 4LR34DY KN3W
GC: YOU 4L13NS 4R3 TRULY SM4RT3R TH4N US DUMB HUM4NS
TG: no hold up
TG: youre blind?
GC: YOUR3 SO P3RC3PT1V3
TG: how the hell have you survived this long
GC: W3LL G3N3R4LLY 1 TRY TO K33P 4 H34LTHY D13T 4ND SL33P 4T L34ST 31GHT HOURS 4 D4Y
TG: i mean how the hell has no one culled you yet
TG: with a liability like that
GC: CULL3D :?
TG: killed
TG: for being a deficient member of your species
GC: H4H4H4H4 WH4T K1ND OF SH1T 1S TH4T
GC: 1F SOM3ON3 3V3R TR13D TH4T 1D JUST G1V3 TH3M TH3 SL1P UNT1L TH3Y G4V3 UP
TG: how
TG: youre fucking blind
GC: SH3N4N1G4NS :]
GC: NOW WH4T FUCK1NG COLOR 1S TH1S SH1RT DUMMY
TG: orange
GC: Y34H R1GHT 1TS PROB4BLY PURPL3
TG: teal actually
GC: OK4Y TH4TS NOT TOO B4D
GC: 1 C4N W34R T34L
TG: why do you care its not like you have a hemospectrum to show off
GC: UH B3C4US3 1 L1K3 N1C3 CLOTH3S?
GC: WH4T DO YOU DO DR3SS 4LL TH3 S4M3 L1K3 BOR1NG 4SSHOL3S
TG: i dress like a badass
TG: which is good seeing as fashion is stupid bullshit anyway everyone knows that
TG: but everything i wear takes a level in badass just by virtue of sitting on my hot bod
GC: 1LL B3L13V3 1T WH3N 1 S33 1T H3H3H3H3
GC: WH4T COLOR 1S YOUR FONT 4NYW4Y
TG: red
GC: :O
GC: 1 LOV3 R3D!!!
TG: i thought you were blind
GC: 1T W4S ST1LL MY F4VOR1T3 COLOR WH3N 1 COULD S33 YOU 1NS3NS1T1V3 PR1CK
GC: JUST B3C4US3 1 C4NT S33 1T 4NYMOR3 DO3SNT M34N 1T STOPP3D B31NG TH3 B3ST COLOR
TG: awright fair enough it is pretty kickass
GC: 3X4CTLY :]
GC: WH4TS YOUR N4M3 4NYW4Y MR OH SO B4D4SS COOLK1D
TG: dave strider
TG: why do you care
GC: 1M T3R3Z1 PYROP3
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 N33D TO H3LP MY CL13NT PL4Y3R W1TH SOM3TH1NG R1GHT NOW
GC: BUT YOU C4N P3ST3R M3 4G41N L4T3R 1F YOU W4NT
TG: yeah youll eat those words
TG: im not done with you by a long shot pyrope
GC: OK WH4T3V3R
GC: BY3 D4V3

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

That was not how things were supposed to go. Dave frowned a little as he reopened the chat.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: nah i meant it when i said i wasnt done

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: you really think the repetition of closing my chats is going to chase me away

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: i could do this all fucking day here comes one whoopass trolling session one sentence at a time

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: ok but fucking seriously

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: stop it
GC: NO :]

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: youre getting off on this arent you
GC: 4 L1TTL3
GC: MOSTLY 1M ST1LL BUSY

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

He should have trusted his instincts and left this one alone. The others could be frustrating and try to throw him off his game, but this one- Fuck, no, he wasn't off his game; this was just a minor setback. It wasn't even that. It was an annoyance, not even a nuisance. This Terezi had nothing on him.

That said, reopening chat windows was getting on his nerves.

He moved the timeline marker further along by a few minutes before trying again.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: are you fucking done yet
GC: Y34H PR3TTY MUCH
GC: CONT1NU3 W1TH YOUR SUP3R 1NT1M1D4T1NG TROLL1NG SHT1CK
GC: 1TLL K33P M3 3NT3RT41N3D WH1L3 1 PL4Y W1TH TH3 4LCH3M1T3R SOM3 MOR3
TG: if youre trying to get under my skin so you can enjoy the sweet sensation of getting trolled into oblivion
TG: well congrats cos you failed i am way too smooth to be riled by your lame antics
TG: but i was planning on trolling you anyway so you still reap the benefits
GC: ST3P 1T UP 4ND G3T TO 4 PO1NT PL34S3 1 4M NOT B31NG SUFF1C13NTLY 3NT3RT41N3D Y3T
TG: youre trying to reverse psychology me into leaving you alone arent you
GC: SUR3
TG: dont care you havent been sufficiently scared out of your mind for fucking us over yet
GC: 1S TH4T WH4T TH1S 1S 4BOUT :? R3V3NG3
TG: i guess
GC: W3 H4V3NT 3V3N H34RD OF YOU B3FOR3 YOU CONT4CT3D US YOU KNOW
TG: yeah well time works like a bitch sometimes
TG: from our pov youve already gotten us killed
GC: TH4T SOUNDS K1ND4 L1K3 4 LO4D OF BULLSH1T
GC: BUT CONS1D3R1NG YOU KNOW 4BOUT SBURB 4ND 4LL TH1S CR4P
GC: 1M GO1NG TO GO OUT ON 4 L1MB 4ND GU3SS TH4T YOU 4CTU4LLY M1GHT H4V3 SOM3 R34SON FOR B31NG P1SS3D 4T US
TG: if i was the type of guy to get pissed at little things like imminent death at the hands of a freak clone
TG: yeah i might have a pretty decent excuse for being shitty to your group of friends
GC: 4ND YOU TH1NK W3R3 R3SPONS1BL3 FOR YOUR 1MM1N3NT D34THS
TG: yeah because you pretty much are
GC: HOW :?
GC: 4R3NT YOU 1N 4NOTH3R UN1V3RS3 3V3N
TG: didnt stop you
TG: you unleashed this shit and sent it over to our dimension simple as that
TG: not that i expect your human sponge to comprehend something that basic
GC: OH Y34H W3LL
GC: TH3N PROV3 1T 1N COOOOOURT!
TG: what
GC: PR3S3NT YOUR 3V1D3NC3 TO TH3 JUDG3 PL34S3 PROS3CUTOR COOLK1D
TG: hey you know what
TG: fine check it
TG: we beat the goddamn game and had every right to claim the good ending
TG: then the door into your fucking universe spawned a glitch thats determined to kill us
GC: TH3 JUDG3 WOND3RS WH4T TH3 FUCK TH4T H4S TO DO W1TH H3R
TG: ok whatever let me put it more simply
TG: it came from your universe
TG: you caused it
GC: YOU H4V3 W1TN3SS3S FOR TH1S :?
GC: SOM3ON3 WHO C4N T3ST1FY TH4T W3 BROUGHT TH1S GL1TCH TO L1F3
TG: it infects your session later on and entered our session through your universe
TG: how is that not enough proof for you
GC: BUT YOU DONT H4V3 4NY 3V1D3NC3 B3YOND TH3 HYPOTH3S1S TH4T W3 4CTU4LLY C4US3D TH1S GL1TCH PROS3CUTOR COOLK1D?
TG: connect the goddamn dots what else do you think happened
GC: 1RR3L3V4NT!!!
GC: TH3 G4V3L F4LLS
GC: B4NG B4NG B4NG
GC: TH3 JUDG3 THROWS OUT YOUR C4S3 ON GROUNDS OF 1T B31NG TOT4L HORS3SH1T
TG: i demand a retrial
GC: UNL3SS YOU UNCOV3R N3W 3V1D3NC3 TH3 JUDG3 W1LL H34R NO MOR3 ON TH3 M4TT3R
TG: are you seriously trying to say anything else could have happened beyond you guys fucking up royally
GC: NO W3 DONT H4V3 3V1D3NC3 FOR TH4T Y3T 31TH3R
GC: YOU 4R3 D1SM1SS3D PROS3CUTOR COOLK1D
GC: NOW T3LL M3 WH4T COLOR 1M 4LCH3M1Z1NG TH1S T1M3
TG: why the hell are you making more clothes
TG: youre already wearing a set
TG: this just in but you do not need backup outfits
TG: you dont ever get stripped naked in sburb
GC: B3T YOU W1SH 1 D1D H4H4H4H4
TG: yeah weird pink aliens are exactly what gets my bulge throbbing
TG: how did you know about my sick perversion
GC: HOW COULD 1 NOT
GC: YOUR3 4 S1CK P3RV 4ND 1M HOT 1T DO3SNT T4K3 MUCH TO PUT TWO 4ND TWO TOG3TH3R
TG: you know whats sicker than my hankering for squishy extraterrestrials though
TG: the tragic amount of grist youre wasting on fucking clothes what the actual fuck make a goddamn weapon already
GC: OH STOP B4CKS34T G4M1NG
GC: N3W CLOTH3S 4R3 FUN
GC: 1 B3T YOU M4D3 L1K3 4 B4Z1LL1ON SU1TS WH3N YOU R34L1Z3D YOU COULD
TG: no because thats fucking pointless
TG: make a few spare cheap outfits in case you get drenched in blood then move the fuck on to shit thats useful
TG: like i dunno maybe a weapon
TG: if you feel like not dying when ogres become more plentiful than imps in a few levels
GC: TH3R3 4R3 OGR3S :?
TG: yeah theyre a cinch for me now but theyre kinda assholes to beat on your first go
GC: HM OK4Y
GC: SO WH4T K1ND OF JUNK WOULD 4LCH3M1Z3 TH3 B3ST W1TH MY STR1FE SP3C1BUS
TG: dunno its kind of a crapshoot just start trying shit out and make whatevers most expensive
TG: wait no
TG: im not fucking helping you
GC: WHY NOT
GC: YOUR3 JUST GONN4 L3T US FUCK 3V3RYTH1NG UP 1S TH4T WH4T YOUR3 S4Y1NG
TG: thats how it works
TG: nothing i can do to change it so why bother
GC: DONT YOU W4NT TO F1ND OUT WHY YOUR3 1N D4NG3R
TG: what for
GC: SO W3 C4N F1N1SH OUR C4S3 DUMMY :]
GC: 4ND TH3N W3 W1LL KNOW 3X4CTLY WHO TO 3X4CT JUST1C3 UPON
TG: thats pointless
GC: NOT 1F W3 F1ND HOW TO B34T WH4T3V3RS 4FT3R YOU WH3N W3 D1SCOV3R 1TS OR1G1NS
TG: and what are the fucking chances of that happening
GC: SHRUG
GC: 1TLL ST1LL B3 MOR3 FUN 4ND PRODUCT1V3 TH4N TROLL1NG US T1L YOU D13 1 B3T
TG: you just want me to be your game guide
GC: NO W4Y
GC: 1 W4S 4CTU4LLY PL4NN1NG TO S1PHON YOUR COOLN3SS 4FT3R 1 GOT YOUR GU4RD DOWN
GC: G3T 1T R1GHT!!
TG: pretty nefarious plan youve got going there
GC: 1 KNOW 1M PR3TTY PROUD OF 1T
TG: might have to keep a close eye on you pyrope
TG: who knows what shit youll screw up without someone to watch your back
TG: ...literally i guess
GC: Y34H YOULL PROB4BLY R3GR3T 1T 1F YOU DONT JO1N FORC3S W1TH M3 34RLY
GC: 4LL TH3 R3GR3T
TG: all of it huh
GC: 4LL OF 1T D4V3
TG: well shit
TG: guess i got no choice then
GC: NON3 4T 4LL :]
GC: NOW T3LL M3 HOW TO 4LCH3M1Z3 4 B3TT3R W34PON!
TG: fine asshole get ready to take some notes on how best to kick ass in this game
TG: youre about to be schoolfed

Chapter Text

AG: Level
AG: UUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!
AG: One more step up the echeladder, 8a8y!
GT: hell yeah! :D
GT: you're going way faster than any of us did!
AG: You expected any less? I told you, John, I'm gr8!!!!!!!!
GT: haha, yeah, i know.
GT: i still think you should at least try to alchemize some better weapons. you never know what you'll need out here!
AG: John, John, John...
AG: I don't need an upgraded weapon. I have aaaaaaaall the luck, you see! ::::)
AG: There's only so much you can upgrade a pair of dice anyway!
AG: Now where to next?
GT: the next gate is over the hill up ahead!
GT: there are a couple ogres on the way, but otherwise there are only imps from here!
AG: 8ahahahahahahaha, that's like a c8kewalk now!
AG: See you when I get to the other side of this mo8!

John often just skipped ahead on the timeline until Spinneret -- or whatever her real name was -- had finished fighting her way to the gate, but it was kind of fun to watch her kick imp ass too. She made the game exciting -- more exciting than even when he'd been playing. She was just so enthusiastic!!!!!!!! And kind of full of herself, but that was all right. If he was offended by arrogance, he wouldn't have ever made friends with Dave or Rose.

She equipped one of her portable computers once she'd leapt through the next gate, but to his confusion she didn't pick up their conversation yet. He was about to ask her what she was up to when she finally sent him a new message.

AG: John!!!!!!!!
GT: uh, yes?
AG: Terezi's snagged a troll mentor now too! Some guy called Strider????????
GT: oh, that must be dave. good, so he IS making some progress!
AG: Who is this asshole? Is he your 8rother?
GT: brother? umm... well kind of, actually! i guess that is not a bad way to put it!
GT: he is mostly just my friend, but he's my best bro as well, so i guess that makes him my brother.
GT: how'd you know?
AG: Well 8ecause you're 8oth named Strider?
AG: Or...
AG: I THOUGHT you were. >::::(
GT: haha, nuts! you got me. i am not a strider. i am not the lame one. that is dave.
GT: my real name is egbert!
AG: You were lying about your name, Mr. John Strider?
GT: hey, you said your name's spinneret!
AG: Uuuuuuuugh, that's true.
GT: ...
GT: soooooo you wanna let me in on it now that you know my actual name?
AG: Fiiiiiiiine. My name is actually Vriska Serket.
GT: vriska! i like that.
GT: much easier to spell than spinerret.
GT: err!! spinneret!
GT: see????????
AG: Heh.
AG: Maybe you're just 8ad at typing, Eg8ert.
AG: 8etter step that up.
AG: We need to look our 8est now that we have rivals!!!!!!!!
GT: uh, we have rivals?
AG: Terezi and that 8rother of yours!
GT: you think dave and i are rivals??
GT: pffffffff, noooooooo, we are not THAT!
GT: wow no.
GT: me in the black with dave?
GT: wooooooooow nope!
AG: "In the 8lack"? The fuck does that mean?
GT: you know, like a kismesissitude!
AG: ........
GT: humans don't have that?
GT: so weird!
GT: it is one of our romantic quadrants. none of which i share with dave. especially not the black one!
GT: that's the rivalry one.
AG: Trolls are fucking weird.
AG: Whatever, we have PLATONIC rivals then!
GT: i really don't think dave's trying to be my rival regardless of his romantic interests or lack thereof.
AG: C'moooooooon, John, don't 8e naive.
AG: It's a GAME. We're meant to have rivals!
AG: These in-game enemies are getting 8oring. We need a real challenge to 8eat. :::;)
GT: heh, i guess. maybe if it's just a friendly pretend rivalry.
AG: Oh, whatever, close enough!
AG: Shit.
GT: what?
AG: Shiiiiiiiit.
GT: what???
AG: I see my mom, gotta run, contact you when I'm safe!

-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased pestering ghostyTrickster [GT] --

Vriska tossed her computer into her sylladex and took off. For once, she dodged optional enemies instead of taking them head-on. There were even a few glitched up imps around. She normally loved annihilating those near-defenseless enemies, even if she avoided collecting their grist like the plague.

Whatever she was running from, it must have been bad.

He was about to jump a few hours ahead in her time, something he did every now and then when she wanted to just grind without interruption, but he hesitated. If she didn't need him for a while, maybe he could strike up conversation with another human for a while. Gather more intel. Get to know a certain pitiful loudmouth better.

Okay, he wasn't really interested in gathering intel, but it was all right. He was making great progress with Vriska and the other three were also hard at work, so it wouldn't matter if he took a few minutes to talk to Karkat some more, right? He could afford the break.

-- ghostyTrickster [GT] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

GT: hi karkat!
EB: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT NOW
GT: to see how you're doing and make sure you're getting along with jade!
EB: AREN'T YOU IN THE SAME DAMN ROOM AS HER? GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND ASK HER YOURSELF
GT: i can see she's sitting at her computer with a big silly grin on her face. it is safe to assume she is fine.
GT: i can't ask her how YOU'RE holding up though!
EB: I AM FUCKING PEACHY.
EB: JUST CHASING SOME BULLSHIT AMPHIBIANS AROUND FOR WHO THE FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG
EB: I COULD READ DANIELLE STEEL'S ENTIRE PASSIONATE, POIGNANT BIBLIOGRAPHY FIVE TIMES OVER IN THE TIME IT'LL TAKE BEFORE WE'RE DONE WITH THIS ASININE TASK.
GT: haha, see, this is why i wanted to talk to you!
GT: you're a lot of fun, karkat.
EB: YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST TODDLER I HAVE EVER COME ACROSS.
EB: THAT'S AN INSULT TO TODDLERS, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE EVEN A TWO-YEAR-OLD CAN TELL WHEN THERE'S SHIT SITTING IN ITS PANTS
EB: INSTEAD OF REACHING IN TO PLAY WITH THE WARM MUSHY CRAP LIKE IT'S A SHINY NEW TOY.
GT: ew gross.
EB: SUCKS TO BE YOU, COCKSUCKER.
GT: pfff, back at you, bulgestain.
GT: so i wanted to ask, what's a mom?
EB: ALIENS DON'T HAVE MOTHERS?
GT: mothers? well, we have a mother grub who lays all the wriggler eggs...
GT: but she doesn't really chase after us much, like vriska's mom apparently does. mostly she just stays in her caverns and doesn't think about her wrigglers much.
EB: ....HOLY SHIT, TROLLS ARE FUCKED UP.
EB: YOU DON'T HAVE, LIKE... AN ADULT WHO TAKES CARE OF YOU WHILE YOU'RE GROWING UP?
GT: wow no!
GT: adults are scary and would probably just try to eat us!
EB: I REPEAT
EB: TROLLS.
EB: FUCKED. UP.
EB: HOW DO YOU EVEN SURVIVE AS A KID? YOU JUST LIVE ON YOUR OWN?
GT: nah, we have lususes! they are white creatures that adopt us as wigglers and they feed us and we look after them in return. it's a pretty sweet deal.
EB: ...YOU HAVE PET-PARENTS.
GT: what's a parent? you said that before...
EB: UGH, ADULT HUMANS WHO RAISE CHILDREN AND SHIT. THEY'RE TRADITIONALLY MOTHERS AND FATHERS.
GT: ohhh... so vriska's mother is a type of lusus basically?
EB: IF I UNDERSTAND YOUR LUSUS CONCEPT RIGHT, THEN YES.
EB: ALL OUR GODDAMN GUARDIANS GOT SWEPT UP IN THIS GAME FOR SOME REASON.
EB: HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SEEN MINE AROUND THOUGH, THANK GOD.
EB: MAYBE HE'S BUSY PREACHING TO THE IMPS ABOUT HOW THEIR AMBIGUOUS GENDERS MEAN THEY NEED TO WEAR THEIR PREFERRED PRONOUNS ON THEIR SHIRTS SO AS NOT TO MAKE ANYONE UNCOMFORTABLE IN TRYING TO GUESS WHAT THEY GO BY.
EB: OH MY GOD, HOW WILL ANYONE KNOW HOW TO REFER TO YOU IF WE CAN'T TELL BY LOOKING AT YOU???
GT: haha your lusus sounds weird.
EB: HE'S FUCKING AWFUL. BE GLAD YOU'VE NEVER MET HIM AND HOPEFULLY NEVER WILL.
EB: JESUS, I'M SHUDDERING TO THINK WHAT KIND OF SERMONS HE'LL HAVE FOR ME ONCE WE GET OUT OF THIS GAME.
EB: PROBABLY SOMETHING ABOUT IMP PRIVILEGE.
GT: that fucking sucks. lususes should be someone who takes care of you and you can go to for protection!
GT: man, mine was this great hopbeast. everyone assumed he'd be a total pushover but he had a death grip and could kick a hoofbeast ten feet in the air. :D
EB: ...HOPBEAST.
GT: yeah, then i prototyped him and he became bunnysprite!
EB: ...................
EB: OH MY GOD YOU WERE RAISED BY A RABBIT THAT IS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I'VE HEARD IN A YEAR HOLY SHIT
EB: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
GT: uh... i guess?
GT: anyway, point is, hopbeasts are the best, especially mine.
GT: i already miss him a lot actually. :(
EB: OK WELL THEN.
EB: THAT'S MOOD WHIPLASH. THANKS FOR THAT.
EB: YOU COULD HAVE WARNED ME YOUR RABBIT-DAD WAS DEAD.
GT: sorry. it is generally not how i introduce him. then again i've never had to introduce him since he died.
GT: guess i'll be more careful about that next time.
EB: ER.
EB: LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR RABBIT-DAD.
EB: YOU SAID HE WAS A SPRITE SO... I'M ASSUMING HE DIED IN SBURB.
GT: yeah... the glitch monster from your game got him and all the other lusus sprites too. :\
EB: GODDAMN. THIS BUGGYASS GAME JUST WENT FROM MILDLY INCONVENIENT TO FUCKING PERSONAL.
EB: GLITCHING ENEMIES WAS WEIRD.
EB: GLITCHED UP GRIST? BALL-ACHINGLY ANNOYING. DID YOU KNOW THAT SHIT MAKES GLITCHED UP WEAPONS THAT *MISS* HALF THE GODDAMN TIME?
GT: haha, yeah, vriska was mad about that when she tried alchemizing some computer glasses... most of my messages turned garbled.
EB: YEAH, BUT IT'S FUCKING LIVEABLE, EVEN IF THIS GAME OWES EVERYONE WHO PLAYS IT A GODDAMN REFUND FOR ITS BROKEN UNTESTED ASS.
EB: BUT KILLING ALIEN PARENTS? THAT'S FUCKING SICK.
EB: JUST FUCK THIS GAME.
GT: well it was kind of fun before all the killing happened...
EB: JOHN GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS THIS GODDAMNED SECOND AND AGREE WITH ME HERE
EB: THIS GAME? FUCK IT
EB: FUCK IT IN EVERY ORIFICE YOU HEAR ME
GT: ...
GT: yeah.
GT: fuck this game.
EB: THAT'S THE FUCKING SPIRIT
EB: SO IS THAT ALL YOU WANTED? TO ANGST ALL OVER ME LIKE A TEEN ACTION HERO?
GT: wanna talk about movies? trolls make some awesome ones but i don't know what kind humans have.
EB: OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO WASTE OUR GODDAMN TIME ON BULLSHIT LIKE THAT
GT: shrug.
GT: do you have anything better to do?
EB: ...NO, FUCK IT, I'M CHASING AMPHIBIANS.
EB: EVER SEEN CITY OF ANGELS?
GT: nope!
EB: OH MY GOD IT IS TRAGIC. IT WOULD MAKE YOU CRY IF YOU COULD WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. IT'S BRILLIANT.
EB: EVEN IF IT DOES STAR NIC CAGE.
GT: never heard of him.
EB: AND BE GLAD OF IT, HE'S HORRENDOUS USUALLY.
GT: haha, he doesn't sound that bad to me. but if you say so!

* * *

Goddamn, Sgrub was even duller when he wasn't the one actually playing. Dave had to give Terezi a shitton of credit though, 'cos she didn't mind that he skipped the boring crap. They'd created a system for it, even. If she needed his attention, she'd put on a red scarf and he could stop to contact her since it was almost fucking impossible to miss as he skimmed over her timeline. She didn't wear it as often as he'd assumed she'd need to.

That got shit done pretty efficiently, when he only had to contact her whenever she wanted assistance or whenever he thought her actions looked interesting enough to pry into.

Her timeline was getting close to the glitched up zone, though, where shit must've hit the fan or something. Didn't matter that her scarf was safely tucked in her sylladex. They were running out of room for clear communication so he opened her chat window as she finished up with another imp.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: bout done in this area?
GC: Y3S 1 H4V3 K1CKED BUTT 4ND S3RV3D SW33T JUST1C3
GC: NOT TO M3NT1ON W3NT UP 4 F3W MOR3 L3V3LS
TG: yeah lookin pretty sweet
TG: gonna hit the top of the echeladder in like record time at this rate
TG: youre welcome btw
GC: :P
GC: MOST OF TH4T W4S 4LL ON M3 4ND YOU KNOW 1T
TG: you wish
TG: never woulda gotten this far without me admit it
GC: N3V3R
GC: YOU JUST S4V3D M3 FROM G3TT1NG BOR3D 1N 4LL TH3S3 COOLDOWN P3R1ODS >:D
GC: SO 1 W1LL TH4NK YOU FOR PROV1D1NG 4N 3NT3RT41N1NG D1STR4CT1ON
TG: cool if thats all i matter to you guess ill leave then
GC: F1N3
TG: see ya
GC: ...
TG: ...
GC: 1M C4LL1NG YOUR BLUFF
TG: maybe im calling yours
GC: YOU TH1NK 1M 4W3SOM3 4ND N3V3R W4NT TO L34V3 MY PR3S3NC3 3V3RYON3 KNOWS 1T
TG: im so indifferent about your presence i sometimes forget you exist even when your chat windows right in front of me
TG: but eh
TG: ill at least admit youre actually not too bad for a human
GC: TH4NK YOU :]
GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T TROLLS 4R3 USU4LLY L1K3
GC: BUT 1M PR3TTY SUR3 YOUR3 ST1LL 4N 4SSHOL3
TG: yeah pretty much
GC: H3Y
GC: SO 1 G1V3 UP MY CUR1OS1TY W1NS
GC: WHOS JOHN?
TG: hes my best bro
TG: why
TG: is he trolling you
GC: NO BUT MY FR13ND VR1SK4
GC: BLUH W41T 1 K33P FORG3TT1NG SH3S 4CTU4LLY MY R34L B1OLOG1C4L S1ST3R 4ND SH1T
GC: 31TH3R W4Y SH3 H4S B33N T4LK1NG TO H1M 4ND H4SNT SHUT UP 4BOUT 1T FOR FUCK1NG D4YS
GC: SH3 S4YS H3S W44444444Y B3TT3R TH4N YOU 4PP4R3NTLY :P
TG: hahahahaha what the shit how is that even a topic
GC: SHRUG
GC: SH3S WRONG R1GHT
TG: well obviously
TG: but whos keeping track here i mean im not going to go setting up a competition
TG: its just a fact that im the coolest troll in the remaining universe
TG: not johns fault if someone wants to go and pit him against me
GC: Y34H TH4TS VR1SK4 FOR YOU
GC: H4H4 POOR GUY
TG: he gonna be ok around her
GC: HOP3FULLY BUT 1 DONT KNOW VR1SK4S K1ND4 D4NG3ROUS
GC: BUT TROLLS 4R3 4 SC4RY D4NG3ROUS SP3C13S 4NYW4Y R1GHT
TG: uh
TG: right
TG: most of us
TG: like ninety nine percent or so
TG: total terrifying badasses
GC: ...
GC: SH3 GOT H3R CL4WS 1N TH3 3XC3PT1ON HUH
TG: yup
GC: H4H4H4H4H4 TH4TS JUST L1K3 H3R
GC: 1TS OK4Y TH3R3S ONLY SO MUCH SH3 C4N DO OV3R P3ST3RCHUM DONT WORRY
TG: who the hell said anything about worrying
TG: im chill as fuck over here
TG: might fuck off and draw comics just cos i can
TG: prove how little fucks i give about our current situation
GC: YOU M4K3 COM1CS :?
TG: yeah man theyre the shit
TG: voted most ironic long running series in last sweeps up n coming webcomic awards
GC: :O
GC: 1 W4NT TO R34D TH3M!
GC: S3ND M3 TH3M
TG: nah
GC: >:[
GC: TH4TS PR3TTY L4M3 FOR 4 COOLK1D
TG: sorry t-z these rad masterpieces just arent safe for an alien such as yourself we dont know the side effects theyd have on your kind
GC: T-Z?
GC: G3TT1NG K1ND OF C4SU4L TH3R3 STR1D3R ;]
TG: were you expecting formal and respectful
TG: shit i forgot my fancy manners back at my hive
TG: guess youre stuck as t-z now
GC: TRULY TH3 WORST F4T3 :[
GC: SO RUD3 COOLK1D
TG: the rudest
GC: 1 M1GHT H4V3 TO SU3 YOU 1F W3 3V3R M33T 1N P3RSON
TG: cool i totally know what that means
TG: btw you remember that weird glitch thing i warned you about on your timeline
GC: Y34H
TG: yeah
TG: its coming up in a few minutes
TG: so
TG: no goddamn clue what thatll do to our communication
TG: i mean i could just move up into the future and ask you then come back and report
TG: but meh
TG: i do enough time shit and that craps likely to get confusing and predestination-y
TG: so fuck it
TG: gonna go linear and see what shit goes down from our front row seats
GC: 1 STOPP3D L1ST3N1NG L1K3 F1V3 M3SS4G3S 4GO
TG: cool
GC: SHOW M3 YOUR COM1CS!
TG: subtle
TG: yknow what fine im feeling charitable as we wait for your glitchy doom
-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent gallowsCalibrator [GC] the file "sbahj001.jpg" --
TG: i sent one
TG: now you can go piss yourself in joy
GC: TH3R3 1S JOYFUL P1SS 4LL OV3R
GC: NOW D3SCR1B3 1T TO M3
TG: what
TG: why the fuck
GC: 1M BL1ND R3M3MB3R
GC: MY SOFTW4R3 C4NT D3SCR1B3 1M4G3S
TG: that is really more effort than im willing to expend
TG: especially when that glitch is coming up on the timeline in like
TG: thirty seconds
GC: D3SCR1B3 1T 1F W3 SURV1V3 WH4T3V3R TH1S 1S :?
TG: omfg
TG: fine
TG: if we both manage to survive this bullshit i will read you my entire archive ok
GC: :]
TG: see ya on the other side in 3
TG: 2

The screen flickered as if the connection had gone bad. It went to normal for a few seconds, then flickered again for a longer moment. The environment around Terezi slowly grew in static before the viewport crackled into an image of pure gray static, with only a flash of normal footage every few seconds.

TG: and 1 then 0 i guess
GC: HOLY SH1T!!!!!
TG: so what the fucks going on what happened
GC: 1 DONT KNOW 8[
GC: BUT TH3 GROUND F33LS R34LLY UNST4BL3 4ND TH3 41RS PR1CKLY
GC: MY 1NV3NTORY SYST3M 1S FUCK1NG UP 1 C4N B4R3LY 3V3N GR4B MY W34PON W1THOUT SOM3TH1NG WRONG POPP1NG OUT FROM TH3 SYLL4D3X 1NST34D!
GC: WH4T 4BOUT ON YOUR 3ND
TG: yeah this is complete garbage
TG: my viewports all fucked up the statics so thick i can barely even make out that theres a person on the screen let alone figure out your surroundings
TG: basically i cant see jack shit
GC:
GC: HOW HORR1BL3 TH4T MUST B3
GC: 1 C4NT 3V3N 1M4G1N3
TG: shut up this is actually relevant right now
TG: how do you expect us to figure out whats going on if neither of us can see
GC: 1M TRY1NG TO 4SK 4ROUND BUT TH3 OTH3RS 31TH3R 4R3NT R3PLY1NG OR TH3Y DONT KNOW WH4T TH3 H3LLS GO1NG ON 31TH3R SO F4R :\
TG: beautiful
TG: fucking hell you guys even got it worse than we did at least we only had one glitch not a fucking hurricane made of it
GC: TH1S 1S SO 4NNOY1NG >:[
GC: YOUR3 GO1NG TO B3 US3L3SS TO M3 L1K3 TH1S 4R3NT YOU
TG: pretty much
GC: L4M3!!! L34RN TO S33 W1TH YOUR TONGU3 OR SOM3TH1NG
GC: 4R3NT YOU 4N 4L13N
TG: yeah even if that was possible which it aint
TG: dont think thatd fix the problem that its the computer fucking up here and not my perceptive abilities
GC: BLUH BLUH BLUH
GC: M4YB3 SOLLUX C4N DO SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT 1T >:\
TG: who
GC: OUR PROGR4MM3R
TG: oh that guy
TG: haha he was a fucking riot
GC: GOOD YOUV3 M3T H1M NOW 1 WONT H4V3 TO 3XPL41N 4S MUCH TO H1M
TG: uh wait actually
TG: maybe dont tell him about me
TG: t-z
TG: terezi?
GC: OHHH MY GOD
GC: B4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 WH4T TH3 H3LL D1D YOU S4Y TO H1M
GC: H3 FUCK1NG H4T3S YOU COOLK1D!!
GC: TH1S 1S H1L4R1OUS
TG: yeah i mightve thrown some less than advisable threats his way earlier
TG: in my defense the guy was a douche
GC: DONT WORRY 1 KNOW TH4T
TG: hes not going to refuse to help just to spite me is he
GC: N4H H3 W1LL DO 1T OR F4C3 MY WR4TH
GC: 4ND 1 C4UGHT H1M 1N ON3 OF H1S MOR3 L41D B4CK MOODS 4NYW4Y
TG: you think hes actually capable of this
TG: he seemed kinda incompetent from where i was sitting
GC: H3S 4N 4SS BUT H3 KNOWS H1S SH1T DONT WORRY
GC: G1V3 H1M 4 CH4LL3NG3 4ND H3 W1LL STRUT H1S STUFF 1N NO T1M3
GC: H1S 4NGRY R4MBL3S 4BOUT YOU 1NVOLV3D SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT T34R1NG 1NTO WH4T3V3R TR1CK YOU PL4Y3D ON H1M 4ND M4K1NG SUR3 1T WONT WORK N3XT T1M3
TG: well now i almost want to give it a shot again to prove him wrong
GC: L3T M3 KNOW HOW 1T GO3S
TG: nah not gonna bother itll just be a pain in the ass
TG: unless i get bored
GC: F41R 3NOUGH :]
GC: H3S GOT SOM3TH1NG FOR US TO T3ST OUT BY TH3 W4Y
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "gliitched_2creen_fiix.zip" --
GC: D1D YOU G3T TH3 F1L3 4TT4CHM3NT
TG: yeah but im kinda not so sure about opening it
TG: he has it out for me
TG: this is just gonna be full of porn and loud music that i cant get rid of isnt it
GC: H3 KNOWS 1D GO 4LL L4WY3R ON H1S 4SS 4ND S3ND H1M STR41GHT TO WH1NY B4BY J41L 1F H3 FUCK3D US BOTH OV3R FOR TH3 S4K3 OF 4 GRUDG3 WH3N SH1TS TH1S S3R1OUS
TG: blaming you if my computer explodes
TG: but k

Dave was still ready to run a sword through his computer at the first sign that the executable Terezi had sent him was about to infect his hardware with loud screaming WAV files or something. Almost to his surprise, after he double-clicked the file inside the zip and ran the installation, all it did was add an icon onto the corner of Trollian.

Nothing else changed, for the worse or for the better.

TG: guy must be outta practice or shittier than you give him credit for
TG: cos that did jackshit
GC: NUTS :[

As soon as Terezi's message came through, the static on the viewport faded away, revealing the familiar sight of Terezi on her planet. Difference being, her planet was fucking covered in graphical glitches the likes of which even the shittiest game devs wouldn't let pass for an alpha build, let alone the shipped product.

TG: spoke too soon
TG: think this add-ons activated by replies from your end
GC: !!!! SO YOU C4N S33 M3 CL34RLY NOW
TG: hard to call it clearly
TG: but im pretty sure all the static and glitches on the screen are actually in your game instead of a weirdass problem with my monitor
TG: progress right
GC: R1GHT!! :D
TG: we got any hints on whats caused this crap yet
GC: SOM3TH1NG 1S M4YB3 H4PP3N1NG ON K4N4Y4S PL4N3T :? BUT 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1TS R3L4T3D 4ND NO ON3 TH3R3 1S R3PLY1NG Y3T
TG: aright whatever we can worry about it later we got time still
TG: brb for two of your seconds

He paused her timeline before leaning back in his chair and pulling out his headphones. "Yo, guys?"

The keyboards clacks went silent as the other three glanced his direction.

He pointed at his monitor. "Anyone else get to the glitched up spot on the timeline yet?"

Jade shook her head. "I won't be there for a little while yet!"

"I might soon-ish," John said with a shrug.

Rose's forehead creased as she checked her status on Trollian. "Working with Kanaya on her walkthrough requires that I stick to the beginning of their game pretty closely for now."

"Yeah, cool, don't care." Dave tapped two fingers against the desk. "Point is, it's fucked up to hell and back and you're not gonna be able to see a damn thing once you get there. S'all right, though, Terezi and I got one of the other alien dweebs to cook up a work-around if you wanna install a Trollian add-on."

Rose frowned. "You're sure it's not a malicious file, even accidentally? Trollian is beyond their technological comprehension, I thought."

He shrugged. "Works on my end so far."

"We can always uninstall it or switch to new computers if it goes bad," John said.

Rose nodded slowly. "All right, send the file over. A reminder, however," she said, raising her voice for attention. "We can accept file transfers, but we are still not replying to turntechGodhead for as long as Daveglitch is logged into that account."

Dave rolled his eyes, for as little as anyone saw behind his shades. "Yeah, my account's still infected with the glitch-plague." He opened chat windows with the other three and uploaded the file as an attachment to all of them. "Better watch out."

John tilted his head. "How come he gets to talk to the humans then?" he asked Rose.

"He's sending a signal into another dimension, not to us. I don't think it would be of much use for Daveglitch to intercept that."

Yeah, whatever, Dave still thought Rose was being a paranoid control freak about quarantining his username, but who cared? Not like the only people worth trolling weren't in the same block as him.

"Strider?" Rose said before he could put his headphones back in. She gave him a soft smile. "Good work."

He shrugged, keeping his pokerface strong to make sure his discomfort couldn't slip through. Yeah, he was handling things with the humans fucking great. No incriminating evidence in his chatlogs at all. "Ain't nothing."

Chapter Text

"Um, Rose?" Jade perked up with a smile when Rose glanced her direction. "I need to borrow your human for a bit!"

Rose paused her timeline before turning her full attention to Jade. "Oh?"

Jade nodded. "Yes, since she is this session's Space player and I am the most qualified to help her with the frog breeding." She rocked on the balls of her feet, trying to look as sheepish about her meddling as she felt. "Weeeell, actually I already borrowed her. I just thought I'd warn you when you come across that point in her timeline, that she'll be heading back to her planet for her Space player duties."

Rose opened her mouth to say something, her expression still only curious and thankfully not changing to annoyed, but John beat her to the punch.

"Why don't you use the same appearifier trick you and Dave found?" he said, leaning back in his chair. "Wouldn't that be faster?"

"We tried that, actually!" Jade said, turning towards him while careful not to turn her back on Rose either. "But we haven't gotten it to work yet. Karkat doesn't have much patience for machines."

Dave snorted, the first indicator he was even listening in on the conversation. Jade wondered if his headphones were on a quiet song. "Yeah, he probably can't get the timing right without a badass like me there," he said, not even glancing their direction -- as far as Jade could tell, with his eyes covered and all.

"Regardless," Rose said quickly before the boys could interrupt again, waving a hand, "it would probably be more beneficial for Kanaya to document the proper strategy instead of the shortcut version." She smiled. "I'm willing to relinquish my alien ward to your care."

"You're nabbing everyone's humans, Jade!" John said with a smirk. "Are you going to take Terezi from Dave next?"

"Not happening," Dave said, hands moving across his keyboard even as he spoke. "I'm way ahead of you assholes on the timeline anyway."

Jade playfully gave John's shoulder a nudge as she passed him on the way back to her computer station. "Yeah, John, or maybe instead I will just take Vriska too."

John pulled at his hair in exaggerated anguish. "Noooo, I don't want to go back to the gross towel guy!"

She giggled as she flopped back into her seat. The atmosphere in the lab had changed so much in just a couple hours that it was hard to remember they were still in mortal danger sometimes. She preferred it that way. They were going to get out of this mess anyway.

She unpaused the timeline in Trollian, the viewport focused on Kanaya's ocean-covered planet.

GG: back!
GA: So You Have Told Her Then
GG: yep!!!
GG: she knows now :D
GA: Oh Good
GA: I Do Not Completely Follow How This Nonlinearity Goes Sometimes But I Am Glad She Will Not Somehow Be Taken Off Guard By Our Earlier Lack of Foresight
GG: heheh nope! thats not how timeloops work or so i am told! if you remember it happening in a certain way itll stay that way :D
GG: unless its a doomed timeline i guess o___o
GA: Yes You See So I Am Not Just Being Paranoid
GG: yeah..... thankfully i do not think thats the case or we could not talk right now
GG: so werent you awake on prospit early like i was? i would have thought seeing all the visions from skaias clouds would have gotten you at least a liiiittle used to events happening in a nonlinear order
GA: I Suppose
GA: But I Havent Acted Upon Those Visions Very Often
GA: It Seemed Unfair To The Others Especially When They Are Already Tired Of The Amount That I Already Meddle
GG: really?
GG: hmm i guess i never thought of it that way.....
GG: i took them as a sign to give the others little pushes in the correct direction
GG: and it turned out pretty well! but im sure your strategy works for you too
GA: I Certainly Hope So Because Sometimes It Has Been Quite Trying Not To Butt Into Their Plans
GA: On A Similar Note
GA: Are You Sure We Should Not Plan To Go Near The Denizens Lair Anytime Soon
GG: yeah denizens are scary and toooough so definitely avoid them as long as you can!!!
GA: Well
GA: Its Just That I Saw My Denizen In The Clouds On Skaia
GA: And It Did Not Appear Hostile
GA: In Fact I Seemed Quite Calm In Spite Of Its Presence
GA: Which Makes Me Believe I May Need To Confront This Monster Soon If We Want To Succeed In These Attempts At Stoking The Forge
GG: errr D: well ok but please be ready to run!!
GG: youre really not a high enough level to take on a denizen yet!
GA: I Will Exercise Caution
GA: And Continue Our Efforts For Now Until It Seems Necessary To Approach The Denizen
GG: yeah good idea dont take a risk in case you dont have to!
GG: and you can always level up and come back later if you have to defeat your denizen after all to get the water levels down
GA: Yes And Ive Been Climbing My Echeladder Quite Steadily With Aid From Roses Suggestions
GG: so how are you getting along with rose anyway? :)
GA: She Is Quite Clever And An Enjoyable Conversationalist
GA: I Do Not Regret Teaming Up With Her In The Slightest So Far
GG: heheh awww
GG: rose is pretty great <3
GA: Quite
GA: And To My Great Relief She Is Not Remotely As Evil As I Was Made To Believe
GG: what?
GG: you thought shed be evil????
GA: Well I Was Similarly Surprised By You
GG: where did you get the impression id be evil? D:
GA: The Others Had Less Pleasant Encounters With You Or So I Have Gathered
GA: I Also Had One Similar Incident But
GA: Oh I Believe Karkat Wants To Speak With You
GA: Im Not Sure I Would Recommend It Though
GG: uh oh
GG: no i better do that then... brb!!!

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] --

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

GG: kanaya said you wanted something?
EB: JADE, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GODDAMN PAIRS OF SOCKS I'LL NEED TO ALCHEMIZE IF I WANT TO KEEP MY FEET DRY FOR THE DURATION OF THIS STUPIDASS QUEST?
EB: AT LEAST TWO THOUSAND
EB: MILLION
EB: AND THEN SOME
EB: ENOUGH THAT ALL THE GRIST AVAILABLE IN BOTH OUR SESSIONS WON'T BE ABLE TO COVER THE AMOUNT OF SOCKS ALCHEMIZED.
EB: AND THAT'S NOT EVEN COUNTING THE ENDLESS PARADE OF SOAKED SHOES THAT NEED REPLACING.
GG: im sorry its wet buuut is there something you needed that i can actually give advice on?
GG: some codes for better footwear maybe?
EB: IF I HAVE TO RESORT TO ALCHEMIZING A PAIR OF YELLOW GODDAMN RAIN BOOTS I'LL HAVE TO MAKE A PAPER BAG NEXT TO GO OVER MY HEAD.
EB: KANAYA WILL NEVER LET ME HEAR THE END OF IT ANYWAY.
EB: SHE'D PROBABLY BAN ME FROM HER PLANET UNTIL I TAKE REMEDIAL COURSES ON FASHION.
GG: well if the alternative is feet that bother you this much.....
EB: THE ALTERNATIVE SHOULD BE A QUEST THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE TRAIPSING AROUND A WATERLOGGED PLANET!
GG: we are working on it karkat!
GG: kanaya will get that forge going in no time and im sure that will improve the environmental conditions
GG: but for now you can catch the frogs in the shallow areas to save time :)
EB: THIS IS A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME IS WHAT IT IS.
GG: hehe but catching frogs looks fun!
GG: if it is bothering you that much you could always try to get that appearifier trick to work
EB: FUCK THAT, WE'RE PLAYING THIS GAME RIGHT AND NOT USING ANY GODDAMN SHORTCUTS.
EB: WE'RE NOT DESPERATE LOSERS LIKE YOU GUYS.
GG: okay our seer thinks thats probably the better plan anyway
GG: but if you change your mind im sure you could probably talk to dave for advice on how to get the timing with the buttons right!
EB: DAVE?
GG: turntechgodhead :)
GG: he was our knight and helped with the frog breeding
EB: HELL.
EB: FUCKING.
EB: NO.
EB: I WOULD RATHER STICK MY ARM INTO A DISEASED COW'S RECTUM FULL OF ACID DIARRHEA BEFORE I TALKED TO THAT ARROGANT DICK-FONDLING FUCKFACE AGAIN.
GG: what???
GG: why??
GG: dave is awesome!!
EB: OH GOD, IS IDIOCY YOUR DEADLY FLAW? I KNEW YOU WERE TOO SANE TO BE TRUE.
GG: hey!!!!
GG: seriously dave is my super cool friend and theres no reason to be such a jerk about him!!
EB: DEATH THREATS ARE SUPER COOL?
EB: HARASSING MY FRIENDS IS SUPER COOL?
EB: HARLEY, WHAT THE HELL DOES "COOL" MEAN TO ALIENS? BECAUSE IN HUMAN TERMS, YOUR FRIEND "DAVE" IS ABOUT AS "COOL" AS JUMPING INTO A FURNACE.
GG: death threats???
GG: what death threats?????
EB: ...YOU MEAN YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW?
GG: know WHAT?!!
EB: IT'S... HANG ON.
EB: I'VE STILL GOT A COPY OF THE FUCKING PESTERLOG. READ THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A SENTIENT BEING TRYING TO CONVERSE FOR YOURSELF.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] sent gardenGnostic [GG] the file "DOUCHEMUFFINCONVO.TXT" --
GG: >:O !!!!
GG: BRB