Chapter Text
If you asked Osomatsu how long they've been here, he'd tell you hours or years. In reality, it was a mer minute and nothing has been said except this tense silent atmosphere between them sitting.
"Well? Are you going to talk?" Karamatsu's was getting impatient.
"Just-" really, he didn't know what to say, "Just give me a moment. Please." Osomatsu kicked everyone out of the house for this, they all understood and agreed but...
"So you have to think about what to say? If you really meant something and were so eager, you wouldn't have to think about it." He sighed, "This really is just a waste of my time." What a shame and disappointment. He really wanted to talk to him, to hear him. But what's the point if it seems like he's coming up with excuses or something and taking too long. It made everything seem less genuine and urgent. As he was getting ready to stand up, Osomatsu spoke up.
"Wait wait wait!" He was waving his hands in front of Karamatsu. "I really have been wanting to say something to you all this time because its been killing me but..." What he'd say next made him feel stupid, but it was true, "I just...I don't know how to...talk to you..?"
Karamatsu crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow as he stayed seated, speaking in an unimpressed tone, "You don't know how to talk to me? It's only been four days not years or months, I don't see how hard it is to talk to me. Unless I've always been that difficult to talk to then my apologies," the last words came out as bitter and sarcastic.
"That isn't what I meant!" This guy wasn't even listening to him and taking everything up in the-! No, no. Calm down. He needed to calm down, anger is what caused this entire situation. Besides he was here to apologize not make things worse.
"Then what do you mean?" His voice was rising. If that isn't what he meant he could've at least explained or worded it differently.
What did he mean? It could've been anything because everything felt hard at this point. Though what really made it hard to talk to him was, "I mean...I don't know what to say to you that you'd accept or listen to. That you'd believe anything I'm telling you and feeling is true."
Was that it? It wasn't hard and didn't take a genius to figure out, even someone like Osomatsu could figure it out, but apparently, he can't. It's as if he's reading in between the lines to find some hidden code that didn't exist in the first place. "You make me believe by telling me what you feel, what you truly feel, and prove it with your actions. It's not rocket science." It seemed no matter how he wanted to speak, it would come off with an attitude.
"That's easier said than done. I've been trying, Kara, really. But no matter what I tried you take it the wrong way. It's just so hard when you're being so diffi-" Crap. "No wait that's not- That isn't what I wanted to say-"
He really said it. There was a bitter chuckle and smile, "No, you clearly meant to. You were going say difficult, were you not?"
"No no, listen Karamatsu, I-"
"For God's sake- Just tell me what you want already so I can leave."
"I would, but you aren't listening Karamatsu! Just listen to me for once!" He was getting desperate, they really weren't going to this right now again, were they?
"Listen to you for once?! I always listen to you but you never listen to me! And I'm still willing to listen to you after all this so why are you making it more difficult?! You're even yelling at me!"
"Me? Yelling? You're the one yelling and taking everything so personally as an insult for no damn reason! I'm trying to talk Karamatsu, I'm trying to apologize to you for all the awful shit I told you because it's killing me! I never meant anything I god damn said, my stupid anger and pride got the best of me and I regret. It hurt me too!"
Karamatsu scoffs, "So you're only forgiving me to make yourself feel better about what you did and said to me, is that what this is all about?!"
"See! You aren't listening to what. I'm. Saying! Karamatsu I want to apologize not for me, but because I want you to know what I don't hate you, that I don't want you dea-" His breathing and next words came out shaky, he never liked saying that word, "God- I don't want you dead...I want you to know nothing I said was true..."
Silence.
"I just...I want to apologize to you Karamatsu...I know this fight and all this is about more than what I said days ago...and I don't- I don't expect you to forgive-forgive me but please...please don't hate me and believe anything I ever said before because I'm such a fucking idiot..."
"I don't-"
He sounded upset. But not in the way he thought. "I don't hate you I never did! I really really wanted to forgive you Osomatsu!" He finally said his name. "I couldn't stand not talking to you, ignoring you, but I just- I can't!" Why? "If I do, everything – these past days – they all would've been for- for nothing! I'm trying to change Osomatsu, I don't just want to be the older brother that's weak and soft because I don't even defend myself that our younger brothers don't even think they can confined themselves to me! I don't want to always be known as painful that causes pain by my existance or so easily forgiving and naïve that anything that's done to me is okay because I'll never hold grudges!" He's tearing up. "I want- I just want to change and not be so pathetic that gets so- so easily upset- upset over everything and I make it seem like its okay, like it didn't hurt and that I pretend I'm strong but I'm not! Things get to me and I get so angry, but I just bottle it up over and over and over that-" He was crying, "I'm just so tired..." He was crying. "...I don't like how- how I am, who I am...I want to be- be someone the others could look up to...someone they can-"
Karamatsu felt pathetic, he made it more about himself that it needed to be already. Instead of letting Osomatsu fully apologize, to even say the rest of what he felt and listen to him, he had to speak about himself. Selfish. Selfish selfish selfish. He was still mad at him, wasn't he? He just said he wouldn't forgive him, but here he was pouring out his heart and soul, for what? To show he's weaker than he already is, possibly making Osomatsu feel worse about himself? Why couldn't he just-
"...What the hell are you saying, Karamatsu?" Osomatsu tightly hugged the younger, putting one hand on his back and the other to burying his face on his chest. Did Osomatsu really miss how the second felt? Maybe he was the naive one to believe he was okay, even aiding in what made him feel this way in a lot more ways than what he said. Osomatsu just made it worse by pointing everything he felt self-conscious about. "You're already what you want to be...you shouldn't think that about yourself because it isn't true... I've never really told you this before and man I find it stupid how I never did before but..." Osomatsu slightly pushed Karamatsu away so he could look at him. He had puffy eyes, eyebrows furrowed up and a runny nose it looked slightly adorable but the mood and context really wasn't, so Osomatsu flashed on a small sincere smile, "I trust you the most...I'd trust you with things I wouldn't trust with our younger brothers. Really when I'm being asshole or something you..." This wasn't something to be embarrassed about, but his cheeks warmed up, scratching it with a finger as he looked down, "You step up and you're really good at being the older brother, probably way better than me heh," He looked back up, "You don't need to change who or how you are Karamatsu...you're already pretty great the way you are with the same dumbness as the rest of us, maybe you're a little more naive but you make up for it with a big heart and determination and just being you! Because we love the way you are and don't want you to change because they already look up to, whether they show it not, and believe me we're pretty crappy at showing it heh.."
Osomatsu didn't think his words would work, they sounded too cliché and something he normally wouldn't say, but it seemed Karamatsu thought otherwise as he tackled Osomatsu into a hug, burying his face into the older's chest, seemingly crying even more, bringing them both down.
"Whoa Kara-!"
"Shut up Osomatsu-niisan...!"
"Nii-Niisan?!"
"Stupid Aniki don't talk or I'll leave!"
Osomatsu kept his mouth shut as Karamatsu cried on him. He was getting mixed feelings, whether his crying and passive aggressive tone was good or bad. Were they on good terms or is this just a moment? Whatever it was, it made Osomatsu feel warm. Physically, because he was being crushed by his younger brother that's still a grown man, putting him in a deathly strong hold as he cried into him. And emotionally, because even if Karamatsu didn't say he forgave him or really said much on what he thought the main issue was, it reassured him that Karamatsu trusted him enough to tell him about his real problems, about what's been bugging him despite being mad at Osomatsu. But he felt a little better knowing this and that he could help. Just a little. No, not really. He still felt horrible that he let Karamatsu feel this way. It wasn't bad to have insecurities, everyone had them, even him, but he shouldn't want to entirely change who he is because he thinks he’s the problem.
Well, they can discuss that later. This wasn’t the end though, far from it. It was a step closer, but this was more yelling at each other with deeper feelings, and this situation didn’t need any more yelling. They have to talk about it, actually talk about it. But now that some things have been cleared and a little of the problem was resolved, they’ll take another step.