Chapter Text
Halfway up the ramp, the crowd can finally see the main deck of the ship.
“Welcome aboard the Queen Marie!” Says a man standing front and center.
He’s clad in a long red coat that reaches past his knees, an eyepatch over his left eye, a large black tricorne atop his head. A sword is neatly sheathed from his waist.
“Come this way, everyone. I’ll be showing you around today. My name is Captain Redcoat and I’m in charge around here!”
Camera flashes and excited murmurs were heard throughout the crowd.
“Red coat? Like the British soldiers who fought in the American Revolution?” Gus elbowed Shawn in the side, whispering to his friend in a joking manner.
“Dude, It’s supposed to be fun, not realistic!” Shawn retaliated.
“That's because it’s for little kids and their families.”
“Don’t diss the pirates, Gus.” Shawn tipped his newly bought pirate hat, “They’re badass.”
Captain Redcoat had lead everyone past the main deck and up some stairs to the quarter deck. A small crew of sailors were messing with the ropes that controlled the sails.
“I’m not dissing anyone, Shawn. You’re not the only one who decided to spend some gift shop money before the show!”
Gus pulled a small plastic telescope out of his pocket and put it up to his eye, looking upwards at the sails and how they unfurled with only the tugging of rope.
“Shawn, there’s a man hanging up there!” Gus was back to whispering, and prodding at his friend with his elbow. “Don’t you think that’s a bit raunchy for a family show?”
Shawn didn’t budge, still staring up at Captain Redcoat, fully absorbed in the performance.
“Shawn!”
“Gus, don’t be Johnny Depp’s lack of glorious mustache in Edward Scissorhands. I’m trying to listen!”
But Shawn’s childlike curiosity always tended to win over. He glanced upwards, if only for a second, but that seemed enough to satisfy. In an instant, he’d snatched Gus’ telescope from his hands and aimed it upwards towards the hanging prop.
“Buddy, I don’t want you to freak out, but that’s not a prop.”
The two men turned towards each other and screamed like little girls.
~~~~~
The scene was secured when the police department was called in, and all the tourists were evacuated off the vessel.
Lassiter stepped aboard followed by Juliet. He took one look at Shawn and Gus standing on the main deck and rolled his eyes.
“Why am I not surprised these two idiots are already here? McNab!”
The teddy bear of a cop rushed over, “Yes, Detective?”
“Get these two back on dry land before they mess something up,” he barked.
“Actually sir, they were the ones who called this in.” Buzz bounced on uneven feet.
“Lassie!” The psychic rushed over, tipping his pirate hat. “Isn’t this place awesome? It’s like a real life pirate ship!”
“Spencer, Guster… What are you two doing here?”
“With all due respect, Lassie,” said Gus, “We were actually just enjoying a day off at the pirate festival. The Queen Marie is a truly beautiful ship refurbished from the actual days of maritime piriating. Most of the accessories here are actually real. Like the cannons!”
Coming up the ramp, was a team of coroners carrying a gurney to collect the body while some of the actual crew riggers maneuvered the ropes to lower said body.
Gus’ tone changed and he looked sick, rushing over to the side of the ship to puke into the waters below.
“Don’t mind him, he’s just a bit seasick,” Shawn smiled at Juliet and Lassiter. “Indeed, I was the one who called!” All he had to do was glance over at the body, now on the deck of the ship, and hand to head, claim it was murder.
“We’ll see what Woody has to say about this. From all appearances, it just looks like a suicide.” Lassiter shook his head disapprovingly. “These people can be incredibly predictable.”
Shawn Spencer smiled his devious smile, “Oh Lassie, haven’t you learned? I see things no one else sees. The spirits tell me everything. This is on like King Kong!”
“Isn’t the phrase ‘on like Donkey Kong?’” Jules asked.
“Well, technically that one still rhymes,” said Gus between heaves. “But your knowledge of video game pop culture should be discussed at a later date.”
~~~~
“Our John Doe was never technically a John Doe. His girlfriend identified him as Ian McIvor, a 26 year old medical student who just wanted to pick up some extra money.” Woody Strode paced back and forth as he spoke, stopping finally to stand at the head of the deceased, who was still covered in the classic blue sheet. “You know, I didn’t go to medical school, but I had a cousin who did. She ended up dying tragically in a freak roller coaster accident, but that’s actually completely irrelevant.”
“Of course he wasn’t a John Doe,” Lassiter stated. One foot was tapping against the tiled floor impatiently. “It says it in the chart right there, his girlfriend was also taking part in the ‘Real Pirates’ show. We’ve already talked to her and she has fuck-all idea what could have happened.”
Gus spoke up from the edge of the room. “Woody, If I may clarify something. In your expert opinion, is it possible that this could have been malicious muuuuurder?” He drew out the word, pointedly staring at Lassiter.
“Well, it’s entirely possible. The tox reports haven’t come back yet, it’s any man’s guess if there was anything else nefarious involved.”
Lassiter’s eyes shot bullets Woody’s way and the coroner stuttered.
“I-I mean, it’s also just as possible this was a suicide. His neck is broken and he has a collapsed larynx.” Woody tugged at his collar nervously.
Shawn belted out a loud “ha!”
The room turned to stare his way.
“All I’m hearing is that my theory holds water. Which means,” Shawn smiled at Lassiter, “I’m going to prove myself correct.”
Then, the door opened and Chief Vick peeked her head in.
Juliet, who had been standing silently in the corner, content to just observe the madness, spoke up. “Chief!”
“Can I have all of you upstairs in my office? Now please?”
Woody started to follow the group, but Shawn put his hand against the coroner’s chest, not allowing him to walk forward. “Stay down here, buddy. Keep playing with your dead guys, or whatever it is you really get into with the stiffs.”
“Well last week, we actually had a pizza party and-”
“Talk later, man. Stay fresh.”
~~~~
Chief Vick sat at her desk, now surrounded by Lassiter and Juliet standing on one end and Shawn and Gus seated on the other.
“Now, we’ve all been briefed on the McIvor case, but the decision now stands that this would be a perfect case to actually go undercover. So I’ve actually gone and taken the liberty of signing the four of you up to audition for parts in the show, and assuming you get them, you’ll be staying for a week to get to know the other actors from the inside. Shawn, we’re all hoping you can psychically read the participants by spending close time with them…”
To Shawn and Gus, the chief’s voice had begun to fade out as their excitement grew. The two nearly vibrating in their chairs, fist bumping and smiling wide, were entirely in their own world now.
Lassiter noticed and pointedly rolled his eyes.
Yet secretly, he didn’t want to admit he was just the tiniest bit excited for this endeavour. It was like the pirate version of his civil war reenactments, a different piece of history to fully immerse himself in. He imagined getting to use different guns or firing cannons or wielding swords. He imagined learning more about the parts of the ship and how they were organized. He imagined the mock battle and the fake deaths he’d most definitely cause. He imagined the costumes he’d get to wear; the coats, the fake mustaches, the hats…
“Yooo, earth to Lassie!”
He came to with Shawn’s hand waving in front of his face. Vick had dismissed them all, and he was stuck staring at the ceiling, as much in his head as Shawn probably usually was.
He grunted, smacked the other man’s hand aside, and left the office.
When Lassiter returned to his desk, Shawn trailed behind him. Hand to his head, he wore his classic smirk.
“I’m sensing that this is actually something you’re excited for, Lassieface. You actually like pirates, that’s cute,” he teased.
One quite reserved head detective nearly blushed.
“It’s not cute, Spencer. I just so happen to enjoy the historical aspects of any type of combat.” It was always better with Shawn to keep his replies short and to the point. Lassiter figured there were less annoying comments the less ammo he gave him.
Gus trailed up behind his friend. “Dude, lets go, the taco truck closes it’s window at 3 today and I’m not about to waste time here that would be better spent enjoying quality street cuisine.”
Shawn turned back to Lassiter, smiling brightly, he winked. Lassie looked pretty cute when he was embarrassed. The word did fit. “I’ll see you on Monday at the auditions. I’ll be wearing my lucky underwear for the occasion.”
Lassiter blinked, face drawn tightly neutral.
“They’re white with little pineapples on them. If you’d like to know whether I’m a boxers or briefs guy, you’ll have to see them yourself.”
“Goodbye, Spencer.” He returned to typing on his computer while Gus rounded back to pull his friend towards the door.
~~~~
There were three people on Monday in charge of running auditions and deciding who would become a part of Real Pirates. Cindy Washington was a 34 year old cook who’d been with the company for 5 years. Keith Weston’s father oversaw the handling of the ships. Spencer Simon was a new recruit for management this year and was being shown how auditions each year were run.
Cindy explained ground rules for the auditions and laid out what was being looked for in contestants. She also made it known that while this show only lasted a month and was performed three out of seven days a week, that crews were in constant rotation, and they were accepting new actors up until the third week.
There were only 6 people auditioning that morning, Shawn, Gus, Lassiter, Juliet, some guy named Robby, and a girl called Sally-Ann. And while Sally-Ann was able to impress the judges with her knowledge of the language at the time, and Robby was an amputee who brought along an actual hook-hand attachment, Shawn Spencer ended up making quite the impression with his imitation of Orlando Bloom’s character from the first pirates movie.
“It’s not often we get great actors in here,” Cindy said after Shawn’s performance.
He laughed, brandishing a wide grin, “Oh no, I’m not an actor, I just watch a lot of television. But, I’m flattered, really.”
After Gus’ escapades with tap dancing pirates, and Lassiter’s real-to-life depiction of how guns were handled during that time, it was Juliet’s turn.
She charmed her way through a script found on Google, playing the part of a female pirate who was pretending to be a male in order to fight for her family.
“I loved the Mulan-esque aspect to this piece, Juliet,” remarked the other judge Keith. “Alright, that wraps up the auditions for today. Thank you all for coming, and be sure to check your emails tomorrow. We’ll be sending messages out to let you all know if you got the parts or not. You’re all dismissed!”
While the judges made their way back into their respective offices, Shawn decided to talk to the other two actors to see if he could find out any relevant information to be used in a future vision.
“So, Robby, is it? Do you come to these auditions a lot? Seems you have a nice advantage,” Shawn said pointing to his hand.
Robby was rummaging through his bag, putting his scripts away, but briefly looked up to reply. “Look, man, I appreciate the curiosity, but I’ve really got places to be.” He’d already headed for the door, but not fast enough that Shawn didn't notice the pin on his bag- a little brown house sitting below the words “Our Home Tavern.”
Meanwhile, Gus had gone to introduce himself to Sally-Ann.
“My name’s Burton Guster, but you can call me Captain Gus.”
Sally-Ann looked him up and down, blushing, she reached out to shake his hand. “I’m Sally-Ann. You can call me Sally-Ann.”
“I like that name,” he chuckled lightly, “But hey, listen, I couldn’t help but notice you really have the hang of all this pirate slang. If we both get cast, maybe I can take you out to dinner and you can teach me.”
“Gus, buddy!” Shawn, bounding over with a hand to his head in his typical fashion, interrupted the flirting. “I’ve had a vision, and I think it's worth checking out tonight.”
“A vision?” Sally-Ann looked quizzically at the man with perfectly-gelled hair.
“Shawn, I’d like you to meet Sally-Ann. Sally-Ann, this is my friend Shawn. He’s a psychic.”
“A psychic? Really? Is there anything you can tell me about my future?” She smiled Gus’ way and he smiled right back.
“Well, you know, my powers don’t really work on command…” Shawn trailed off as his observant eye kicked into gear and ran through every miniscule detail of this girl. Her bright blonde hair was tucked back into a tight ponytail, she was wearing a blue tshirt with an image of a dolphin on it, she had a small scar on her left forearm, the space where a ring might be was a slightly lighter shade than the rest of her hand… Bingo, that’s the one.
“I’m sensing that you’re recently single. But, unfortunately, Gus isn’t a good rebound, so I suggest you look elsewhere. Toodleloo!” Shawn ended by grabbing his friend’s arm and tugging him away, much to the surprised (and perhaps a bit frustrated) gaze on Sally-Ann’s face.
“Shawn, you are quite literally the worst wingman in history.”
“No time, Gus, I know exactly where Mr. Hookhand Robby works, and I think we should pay him a visit before Juliet and Lassie can figure anything out.”
“Fine. But I swear, the next time you do something like this, you’re getting the silent Guster treatment.”
~~~~
Scoping out Robby’s place of work was a bust. He was a pretty average bartender, but ended up being a pretty nice guy in the end. He gave Shawn and Gus both a free drink and they talked about his family’s winery over the most delicious greasy onion rings.
~~~~
The next morning, the emails were sent. And surprisingly enough, it looked like Robby and Sally-Ann both were given parts. In fact, it looked like everyone in that room was cast. Gus was the boatswain, a man in charge of ship maintenance. Juliet, who must have also garnished attention from the judges, actually did become a woman in disguise, as true to the times, there were very few female pirates. Shawn’s name was written beside “Quartermaster.” He had to ask Gus about this one, but learned it was a position of near equal value to the ship’s captain. Scanning the cast list for Captain, Shawn was shocked to find Lassiter’s name beside it.
He did the only logical thing he could do from his desk in the Psych office. He sent an email to Lassiter as a reply to the cast list, with the message:
Lassie,
Every pilot needs a copilot, every Sonny needs a Cher. You’re the captain to my quartermaster! Here’s to our unbeatable pair!
H & Ks,
Shawn
He never got a reply, but it was fun to imagine the inevitable blush on the detective’s face before he promptly deleted the email.