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In all honesty, Changbin wouldn’t have even remembered prom was a thing that existed if not for Hyunjin, who was apparently part of the committee for it. He isn’t really sure if he’s grateful to the other for that or not.
“Since when?” demands Seungmin. Hyunjin had arrived a bit later than usual to Jisung’s classroom, where the group usually had lunch together, and told them he probably wouldn’t be seeing them much over their breaks because he had to finalize everything for their fast-approaching prom with the other members.
“Since two months ago.” Hyunjin answers, digging his chopsticks into his rice. “I don’t get how none of you noticed. I ditched so many dance sessions and hangouts just to go to those meetings.”
“For one, none of us are part of the dance team besides you and Felix, who I know doesn’t attend that often because he takes forever when doing his homework.” Seungmin points out. “Second, we barely hang outside of school, so of course we haven’t.”
“And since when were you even competent enough to be a member anyway?” Jisung asks.
“Incredibly competent, actually. I’m even one of the few boys part of the committee.” He says, sounding too proud of this fact.
“Isn’t that only because barely any boys tried out?” teases Jisung, causing Hyunjin to smack him hard in the arm.
“I saw Jisung get hit.” Jeongin’s voice suddenly pipes in, finally arriving, taking a seat next to Seungmin. “What did he do this time?”
“Be annoying. The usual.” Seungmin explains, ignoring Jisung’s loud shout of protest.
Jeongin nods, taking out his lunch and chopsticks. They’ve already lost half the period of lunch, yet it feels like only five minutes have gone by. “Where’s Felix?” Changbin asks.
“Not coming. He’s working on a project due next period.” Jeongin explains. “Anyways, what were you guys talking about before I came?”
“Prom.” Hyunjin says.
“Never mind.” Jeongin immediately replies. “I’m not interested.”
Changbin isn’t either. It’s why he didn’t join the conversation, no matter how loud his friends are about it. Hyunjin starts telling them something else, but it sounds prom-related still, so Changbin drowns them out as he finishes eating, disinterested.
By the time fifteen minutes have passed since the final bell rung, most of the classrooms are already empty. Changbin waits until two more students leave before he enters, adjusting his grip on his backpack. Felix is busy erasing the board in the front, but he turns around when he notices the other’s presence.
“Sorry.” He apologizes. “I’ll just finish this.”
Changbin shrugs. “Take your time.” He always waits for Felix anyway; it’s nothing new.
“Where are the others?” Felix asks as they walk out of the campus.
“Busy.” Changbin says. “Jeongin and Seungmin have vocal lessons, Jisung went home already, and Hyunjin is either getting roasted by your coach for missing so many practices, or has an afterschool meeting.”
“His fault for being so responsible.” Felix says. “It looks like it’s just us two then.” Changbin can’t help but be secretly pleased by Felix’s words.
“Don’t you also have dance practice?”
“I don’t go on Wednesdays.” Felix replies. “So,” He turns to Changbin. “Wanna go to the library with me?” Changbin narrows his gaze, suspicious, and Felix grabs his hands. The gesture makes Changbin’s heart tingle. “I need help with my paper.”
“Fine.” He agrees, hoping Felix doesn’t notice how sweaty his palms have become.
Changbin’s headphones rest on his shoulders as he fixes the contents of his locker, rearranging the books and taking out the tiny crumples of paper he remembers leaving inside but not why. Right after he’s finished, already halfway out of the area and the hallway to head to his first class, he hears gasps coming from behind, and he turns around to find a small crowd gathered around the area where his locker is.
When Changbin moves closer, he sees, through a sliver of space provided by the other students, the girl who he recognizes to have her locker beside his own, bent down and looking through the paper hearts scattered all around her. There’s a boy that walks to her, says something Changbin can’t clearly understand from his distance, but he manages to catch what he needs from the chatter in the crowd. Hyunjin arrives shortly, standing next to him see what’s happening.
“I don’t get why people are putting so much effort.” Changbin says.
“Well,” Hyunjin begins. “It’s prom season.”
“And?”
“Prom’s a once in a lifetime thing. Of course people are gonna go all out.” He says. “You’re probably the only one I know who isn’t up for it.”
“Not true.” Changbin says, but he doesn’t actually know that. He sees a paper heart on the ground and picks it up, staring at it before he closes his fist. “It’s just not my thing.”
Hyunjin shrugs. “It’s your loss.” He turns around and walks away.
Changbin opens his palm and looks at the crumpled heart. The boy used scratch paper, apparently, but no one probably noticed because the spectacle and concept itself was too touching. There’s a text on the scratch paper, and while it’s incomplete, it says boy + girl. “My loss, my ass.”
Contrary to Changbin’s disinterest in the entire event, he actually thinks about it a lot. He tries not to, but it’s hard when promposals—the term is cool, he’ll admit—are happening left and right, ending in either rejection or acceptance. At least he forgets all about it when school’s over. He doesn’t actively pay attention or keep track, but from Jisung’s comments, there have been more positive responses than negative ones.
“It’s probably because people are scared of going alone.” Jisung reasons, leaning forward on the backrest of his chair. Jisung’s going to split his pants for the third time if he keeps on sitting like that, legs always spread too wide, but Changbin knows that even if he told that to the younger, he wouldn’t listen.
“That’s stupid.” Changbin says. “If they really wanna go, then they should go, date or not. Having a date isn’t required anyway.”
“Yeah, but it’s embarrassing, I guess? People are worried others will talk about them behind their back if they go alone, like they’re losers or something for not being able to score a date.”
“Again, that’s stupid. It’s 2018. Who does that anymore? Don’t you go to prom because you want to experience it?”
Jisung shrugs. “Ideally. But customs and cultures are hard to shake off. Not a lot of people are as indifferent to it as you are.” He says. “Besides, not everyone’s actually like that. There are some people I know who are planning on going alone to hang out with their friends.”
“Most of the group, I’m guessing?”
“Probably. I know Hyunjin wants to go with someone, and judging from the amount of girls planning to ask him, he will.” Traditionally, it’s supposed to be only a boy asks girl setup, but lots of the student council members said that girls should be given the same opportunity to ask boys out, because they were trying to establish more equality between both sexes. Hyunjin had commented it’d be even better if they also allowed the partners for prom to be of the same sex, but they all knew that it was a too big of a step to take, and the school would probably cancel the entire event if they attempted to really propose for it. For now, they’d have to settle with this. “Seungmin and Jeongin are going alone with the rest of the choir group so they can ditch early and do karaoke. I don’t know what Felix is gonna do.”
“How about you then?”
“Me? I’m not going.” Jisung replies. “I promised Minho I’d go to his showcase that night. You?”
“I’ll pass.”
“Not surprised, but I still don’t know why.” Jisung says. Changbin almost wants to tell him, but doesn’t. At least Jisung doesn’t pry. He never does. “Will your parents even allow you?”
“Will yours?”
“Who says I’m telling them I’m skipping out?”
Changbin rolls his eyes. “You are so dead if you get found out.”
Jisung grins. “That’s why I won’t.”
The screen flashes the words Player 1: Win. Felix groans loudly in defeat, flopping on the bed behind him.
“Round five?” Changbin proposes, twirling the WII stick in his hand.
“Hell no.” Felix says. “I don’t have any more dignity to give up.”
“Stop overreacting.” He says, tossing the stick aside to also lie down beside Felix.
“Let’s do a dance competition next time.”
“I don’t think WII has that.”
“A real competition, I mean. With actual dancing.” Felix says. “So I can at least beat you in something.”
“You can beat me in plenty of things.”
“Then why haven’t I won any contest we’ve had yet?”
“Because you’re suggesting the wrong games to play.”
“Whatever.” Felix huffs. “We should really have a dance competition though. I need to boost my ego.”
“Find someone else then.” Changbin says. “It’s not going to be a competition if you go against me. I don’t even know how to dance.”
“The fact that you can’t dance is the reason I believe in God.” Felix says. Changbin rolls his eyes and lies down beside him. His gaze drifts to the empty ceiling, to the plastic stars stuck against the surface, and suddenly remembers how Hyunjin told him—even if he repeatedly told the younger that he didn’t need to know—that the prom theme was something related to stars. Bright lights. Etcetera.
“Are you going to prom?” Changbin asks, despite himself.
“I want to.” Felix says. “I love prom. I’m hyped as fuck for it. But I don’t know who to ask out. Maybe I’ll ask Hyunjin to set me up.”
Hyunjin knows a lot of pretty girls, so Felix will most likely be spending prom with someone equally as good looking as him. “Maybe you’d be the prom king. Or get picked as best couple with your date.”
Felix laughs. “Prom king can be none other than Hwang Hyunjin, Changbin.”
In actuality, that’s probably true. But to Changbin— “I think you’re more handsome than him.”
“I love it when you compliment me. You should do it more often.” Felix teases. “But what if I go with Hyunjin? He’d probably still be prom king, but then we could both be best couple.”
Changbin rolls his eyes. “That can’t be an actual thing, Felix.”
“I know, but like, if it were.” He says. “I just don’t like how the school limits us to just boys to girl partners and girls to boy partners.”
“You’re not the first.” Changbin mutters, unconsciously saying his thoughts aloud without him meaning to. “Do you want to go with a boy though?”
“Depends on the boy. But I’m fine as long as it’s someone I like. Boy or girl.”
Changbin suddenly has an idea, but it’s stupid and ridiculous and delusional and the last person he should tell is Felix, so he just nods, even if the other can’t see him. “If only we had the choice.”
“I’d like to think that we always have a choice.” Felix says. Changbin glances at Felix from the corner of his eye, and wonders, for a moment, even if this isn’t the right moment, what it’d be like to kiss him. “But sometimes, we have to make the choice instead of waiting for it to come to us.”
They’re nice words. Changbin thinks. And he knows that Felix lives them out well. He wonders when he himself will become brave enough to do that.
“Why do you hate prom so much?” asks Seungmin.
“Who says I do?” Changbin inquires. They’re by the campus garden, sitting under the shade of a large tree, not really doing anything but also not wanting to leave. It’s late in the afternoon, school long over, and they’re waiting for Jeongin to finish his monthly vocal evaluations for the choir, something Seungmin managed to skip out on because his throat wasn’t in good condition (and because he’s the favorite of one of the highly regarded alumni chorale members, Woojin, but Seungmin would deny it).
“No one.” Seungmin says. “It’s just—it’s in your face. Whenever Hyunjin or someone else brings it up. You look so bitter.”
“I don’t feel bitter.” At least, he doesn’t think he does. Not in the way others might think he is, whatever that may be.
“If only that was obvious enough.” Seungmin closes his eyes. He’s lying flat on his back, surrounded by all the grass and a bit of the concrete. Changbin’s sitting down, leaning on the tree and right beside the other, and he kinda wants to stand up and pretend to aim a kick at his face, just to mess with the younger. “Kinda wish I knew why.”
“Why what?”
“Why you don’t like it. You haven’t told anyone why. Not that you need to, but it’s nice for us to at least know. So we can, I don’t know, do something about it.” He pauses, like the words are awkward and hard to say. “So you won’t hate it as much.”
“That’s sweet.” Changbin can’t help but comment, surprised and touched. “How very un-Seungmin-like of you.” Seungmin scoffs, and Changbin knows the younger’s going to protest, but he continues. “But it’s okay.” He tells him. “I don’t know if there’s anything anyone can do about it.”
“No one?” Seungmin echoes. “Not even Felix?”
Felix. Funny how Seungmin mentions him now. Or ironic. Changbin stifles an exasperated laugh, pretends like his heart hadn’t warmed up at the same time as it dropped. “No.” Because Felix is the reason. Boys can’t take other boys out to prom, after all.
“How about you?” Felix asks. “Are you going to prom?”
It gets annoying when all his friends ask that, but it’s not when Felix does. It’s definitely Changbin being biased; he’s not stupid enough to not know that.
He opens his mouth to reply, but then Felix continues. “I’d like it if you’d come.” He tells him. “I mean, it’d be cool. If you did.”
Felix doesn’t elaborate, and he sounds like he doesn’t like how he delivered his own words, though he doesn’t know how to change them, how to phrase them correctly. Changbin doesn’t know what Felix really means by that, but they make him flushed anyway, a bit lightheaded, a bit more considerate.
“Maybe.” He answers, after a while, open about it, for once, all his firm rejections of the event be damned. He knows how excited Felix is for prom; he can’t bring himself to shoot that enthusiasm down.
And besides, Felix’s apparent hype for it puts things into more perspective for Changbin. Maybe, just maybe, there’s something about prom worth going to. He doesn’t deny the possibility that it just might be Felix himself.
The first time he thinks about prom out of school, it’s during dinner. His parents are the ones to bring it up, even if Changbin has never mentioned it once and made it clear enough to them that he’d rather do everything else but attend school events.
And Jisung’s unfortunately right.
“You have to go.” His father says.
“Is it because you don’t have a date and you’re embarrassed to go alone?” asks his mother. “I don’t think you’re bad looking at all, but we can always set you up.”
“It’s not because of that.” Changbin tells them, already exasperated. “I just don’t like prom and all the stuff we have to do there.”
“That’s not an excuse.” His mother says. “You have to go. It’s a rite of passage.” She sounds almost like Hyunjin. “There is no way you are not going.”
Changbin grits his teeth. “If you’re really going to force me to go, then just let me go alone.”
“Definitely not.” His father cuts in. “I didn’t raise my son to be too much of a wimp to go to prom dateless. That’s pitiful. There are lots of girls in your school. Haven’t you asked any of them out yet? Or were you rejected?”
Changbin would gladly have Hyunjin annoy him about prom ten times over than his parents doing it. At least his friend would eventually let him off and not say shit like this. It makes his skin crawl. “I haven’t asked any of them because I wasn’t planning on going. And there’s no girl I like enough to ask.”
“Changbin, if you’re afraid of getting rejected, then we really could just set you up.” His mother says gently, like she’s just realized the problem. “I know lots of parents with daughters around your age. They’re not from your school, but I think that’ll be better. At least you’ll be different from everyone else.”
He wants to leave the dining room and lock himself in his bedroom. Or escape to Felix’s or Jisung’s place and live there until his parents finally drop the subject. It takes all of Changbin’s willpower to not do that, because he knows that realistically, it won’t solve anything, because his parents are relentless and stubborn. “I just really don’t want.”
“Why?” she demands. “Saying that you just don’t like prom isn’t a reason. We always have to do stuff we don’t like; it’s part of life. Consider this good training.”
“That’s not it.” Changbin protests, almost quietly, trying to hold down his frustration. “That’s not why.”
“Then tell us.”
“It’s because I don’t like girls!” he exclaims, snapping. He’s suddenly fucking terrified, but he doesn’t stop. “It’s because I’m gay, and going with a girl to an event that is incredibly straight-loving is really the last thing I want.”
His mother stares at him, wide-eyed and shocked, like she doesn’t know how to react, what to think. “You’re lying.” His father suddenly snaps. He doesn’t glance at him, but he feels his father’s burning gaze, can feel the anger radiating off of him, an emotion that only arises whenever people are lying to him. And when they’re gay as well, Changbin’s guessing. It feels like his heart has dropped down onto his stomach, and he wants to vomit. “You’re only saying that because you don’t want us to set you up.”
They don’t believe him, Changbin realizes, and he doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or not. He doesn’t know if he should take back his words and pretend like he really did say that just as an excuse, just so his parents won’t forcefully set him up, or if he should keep on going, just tell them the full truth. He’s scared, and the first option seems too pleasing to not take, especially at the rate they’re going, especially at the response and reaction he thinks his parents will have the moment they really realize that Changbin’s not bluffing that he absolutely doesn’t want to witness, but then he thinks of Felix and his words and the idea of choice, all of a sudden, and realizes he doesn’t want to take it.
“I have a boyfriend.” Changbin blurts out without thinking. “That’s why I don’t want to you to set me up.” He hesitates, for a second. “It’s like—it’s like I’m cheating on him. Or something. If I do that.”
“And you don’t want to go because you can’t actually spend time with him, as your date.” His mother supplies slowly, like she has a hard time processing it as well.
Changbin nods, not trusting himself to speak.
His parents are silent, digesting the information. Changbin fidgets in his seat, knowing there’s no taking back anything he’s said, even if there isn’t any boyfriend, only conviction to not attend prom, one that is slowly waning from everything happening. “Who is he?” His mother eventually asks. “Your boyfriend, I mean.”
“I—” Changbin bites his lip. “I can’t tell you.” His parents both glance at him sharply. “I don’t want to out him like that. But he exists. He’s not made up.”
“Do we know him?”
“I can’t tell you that either.” He pauses. “I’m sorry.”
“I see.” She says simply. “I see.”
His mother doesn’t speak afterwards. His father’s looking down at his empty plate. Changbin really wants to leave, but he needs to know their opinion, needs to know if he’s really fucked for life or if he has a chance of being okay.
“You should still go to prom.” His mother finally says. “That decision—that won’t change. About the other thing though,” She looks to her husband for help, but he still doesn’t speak, still glaring down in silence. Changbin thinks he doesn’t want his father to speak. He’s worried what’ll come out of his mouth will only be things he doesn’t want to hear.
“I don’t think he’s lying.” Changbin’s sister suddenly says, speaking for the first time in this entire conversation. “He isn’t making an excuse.” He looks at her in disbelief, surprised she’s defending him. “I do agree that he should still go though, regardless. It’s prom.” She glances at him. “You can go with your boyfriend, you know. You don’t have to go as a couple, but lots of boys go to prom alone to just stay with their friends. No one would notice if you did it with your boyfriend.”
“I—yeah,” His mother agrees, though she sounds confused, uncertain. “You can do that.” She nods, unfocused. “You kids can go up, by the way. It’s late already.” She adds. “Your father and I will handle cleaning up.”
Changbin knows what she’s implying, but he nods, too eager to leave the dining room. They both exit, and Changbin nearly runs upstairs, but his sister grabs his wrist, stopping him. He turns to her, and the look she gives him make him feel a lot younger than he really is, like he’s still the kid she gave piggyback rides to up the stairs and asked her to bake him cookies whenever his friends would come over.
“Hey,” she says softly. “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.” She pulls him towards her, enveloping him in a hug. “I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks.” Changbin replies, unsure what to say, unused to the affectionate gesture, but genuinely grateful for it. He thinks he needs it.
It’s Friday, the following day. It’s going to be a weekend right after, meaning there’s no school to occupy his time and he’ll have to stay at home. Also meaning: because Changbin was stupid enough to come out on a Thursday night, now he’ll have to endure the most awkward weekend of his life because weekends usually mean family time. Maybe not anymore though. At this point, he isn’t sure of anything.
And he doesn’t want to think about it. It’s a relief that his friends exist.
“Can I crash at your place over the weekend?” Changbin asks Felix.
What’s not a relief is that Changbin’s an idiot who acts before he thinks, which is, you know, what got him into this situation in the first place. It’s only after Felix and Changbin chat about the totally random sleepover and the details behind it does he realize his mistake.
“Fuck.” He hisses to himself, after Felix leaves for his next class and the elder’s left standing alone in the empty hallway. Because: Felix. Changbin had to ask Felix, of all people. As if Jisung didn’t have a nice enough place of his own.
I’m fucking stupid. Changbin texts Jisung, after school’s over and he’s waiting (as always) for Felix to finish packing his stuff.
i don’t know what you did this time,
but i wholeheartedly agree.
from jisungie, 15:27 p.m.asshole.
don’t think i didn’t notice how fast you replied to that.
from changbinnie, 15: 29 p.m.
Jisung only sends a winking emoji in response.
It’s not all bad though. At least Chan’s there. Changbin’s lucky that Felix lives with Chan, even if they’re not blood-related, but their families are close enough for them to entrust Felix to the elder Australian, because Chan is... Chan. He’s chill and really kind and mature (for the important things). And he’s open enough to constantly tease Felix about his bisexuality, something that makes Changbin a little less wary and cautious than he normally is. It also helps that Chan warms up to him the fastest among the rest of their friends. Changbin guesses that part of it plays from the fact that Felix told him about his sexuality (only him; is that supposed to mean anything? Changbin wonders), and Changbin also hadn’t judged and told anyone, keeping Felix’s secret-that-wasn’t-really-a-secret-just-something-he-didn’t-actively-tell-others-but-would-probably-tell-if-asked.
Still, Changbin’s unease doesn’t really shake. He and Felix play video games like they always do and Chan even chats with a bit about some new music released by rappers they both like in the recent season of Show Me The Money, but they don’t distract him the way he wants them to. It must be obvious, because Felix abruptly invites the rest of their group of friends over for a sleepover. It’s only one night though, shorter than the entire weekend Changbin practically booked in Felix and Chan’s place, but it helps.
“He said something about cheering you up.” Jisung tells him quietly, as the rest enter and they’re left by the front door of the apartment.
“He didn’t have to.” Changbin murmurs, but even Jisung can hear the gratefulness in his tone.
Leave it to Felix to notice. It’s things like these that make shaking off his crush on his friend so hard.
They put up all the sleeping bags by the living room because the apartment, while big for two, is cramped for five growing high school kids. Chan lets them eat instant ramen for dinner and popcorn while he retreats back to his room, letting them have fun on their own while he finishes up on a project of his due by Monday.
“We should watch a horror movie.” Hyunjin tells them, a mischievous glint in his eyes as he looks up at them, a movie in his hand. Seungmin and Jeongin are still looking through the box of movies Chan and Felix have, while Jisung finishes the rest of the ramen the others stopped eating and decided to ditch.
“There is no fucking way we are doing that.” Felix says, entering the room with a bunch of soda cans. Changbin quickly gets one as Felix sits beside him. “I will kick you all out if we do. Watch it in your own house, Hyunjin.”
“Can’t believe I have killjoys for friends.” Hyunjin grumbles, but he places the movie back in the box.
“Action?” Changbin suggests.
Seungmin shakes his head. “None that are in Korean.”
“There’s too much English.” Jeongin whines. Felix only smiles sheepishly, looking slightly apologetic.
“Romance?”
“Dead.”
Jisung gives Hyunjin a dirty look. “This is why I don’t get why girls even like you.”
After twenty minutes of arguing, they end up watching The Beauty Inside, Felix’s apparent favorite movie, despite Hyunjin’s initial complaints. Ironically enough, he’s the one who becomes the most engrossed in the film, having a non-stop commentary going on along with Jisung as they watch. Seungmin and Jeongin hog the popcorn while Felix sits unusually close to Changbin, like he always does, even if there’s so much space in the living room. Changbin still turns red, but at least the room’s dark and no one’s looking at him, attention completely focused on the screen.
The movie’s nice— “It’s fucking beautiful.” Hyunjin practically hisses, and his voice is thick and he looks like he’s trying not to cry. Jisung, on the other hand, is trying not to laugh at him because of the drastic change in attitude—but it makes Changbin feels strange. He guesses it’s because of the shameless shift in gender, the gradual acceptance, and the fear that comes along with the strange circumstances, the judgement they’d inevitably face as well as the hardship. It feels too real for a movie with such an unlikely situation, and maybe that’s what makes the film so great.
It’s lights out by midnight, unusually early for them, but also reasonable because this week has been nothing but cruel to them and the choir members have Saturday training while Hyunjin has a meeting for prom. They all fall asleep quickly, but Changbin stays wide awake, staring at the blank ceiling in silence, still feeling restless but unsure on how to quell it. He thinks he probably blanked out once, reached a state of unconsciousness that he didn’t notice with his eyes still open until he escaped it and really woke up. After sometime, he silently slips out of his sleeping bag and heads out of the apartment, making sure his steps are gentle enough for the floor not to creak and wake up everyone else.
He climbs up all the way to the roof deck, which is fortunately not a long trip, despite the cold and breeziness that immediately hits him. It doesn’t help that he’s in thinner clothes and the only protection he really brought against the unexpected but unsurprising weather was a jacket, but he doesn’t feel like going back.
He spends around nine minutes up there, and he’d know, because he started listening to music playing through his phone, using earphones to not disturb anyone even if he’s the only one there. The songs aren’t the ones he usually listens to, but instead a playlist Hyunjin had sent him and practically ordered him to listen and evaluate sometime (which he’s doing only now, because Changbin had completely forgotten about it until that moment) because he trusted the older with his taste in music, oddly enough.
Changbin doesn’t entirely hate the songs, much to his surprise. The occasional pop and English is unsurprising and mildly annoying to him personally, but he knows objectively, they’re what the student body would like, and every other song, as cheesy as they are, fits the theme prom is going for. Changbin doesn’t know Hyunjin’s specific role in the committee, but he does have to admit that whatever it is, he’s probably contributing a shit ton and really making an effort. The songs would kind of even fit the scene right now: Changbin staring ahead at the city and buildings and people below, tiny lights illuminating from lampposts and still opened stores, creating artificial stars from below. He can’t really explain why; it’s just how he feels.
“Knew I’d find you here.” Someone loudly remarks from behind him, and Changbin turns around to see Felix, standing by the door, clothes he wasn’t wearing earlier hastily placed on to protect him from the cold. Changbin would feel incredibly underdressed, but at the moment, he’s momentarily caught off guard with how bright Felix looks despite the darkness all over them. He’d attribute this fact to the single light that the roof deck has, hanging right above the door they came from.
Changbin shrugs, slowly turning back. “Where else would I be?”
“I don’t know. Convenience store, maybe.” And Changbin laughs loudly at that, because the suggestion sounds fucking ridiculous. “Hey, it’s possible. It’s something Jisung would do.”
“I’m not Jisung though.”
“You aren’t.” agrees Felix. “So what are you doing here?”
“Not much.” He says. “Just thinking.”
“Couldn’t sleep?”
“Yeah.” He agrees, voice soft. “You?”
“Couldn’t sleep either.” Felix says. “Pretty hard to.”
Changbin glances at him from the corner of his eye, watches as the younger moves closer to him, doesn’t say a word until Felix is by his side.
“‘Cause of the movie?”
“Yeah,” Felix replies, after a pause, like he was surprised Changbin even asked, that Changbin even thought of it. “Always catches me off guard, no matter how many times I watch it.” He smiles gently into the air. It’s pretty to look at. “How about you?”
“It was good.” Changbin says, softly, a bit hesitantly. “It,”
He doesn’t finish, just lets the word hang strangely in the air.
“Changbin?” inquires Felix.
Changbin’s cheeks grow warm in something like shame, and the atmosphere suddenly feels so stiffly because he feels nervous, scared.
“What were you going to say?” Felix continues asking, but Changbin’s mouth stays clamped shut. He doesn’t look at him, even if he can feel the younger’s gaze turned towards him.
“I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“I told my parents.” Changbin starts, and the words come out short and suddenly, connected but disjointed bursts. “They kept on nagging me about prom, about bringing a date—a girl, and it was getting out of hand and I couldn’t take it so I came out. Told them I was gay.” And now Felix, but Changbin doesn’t let himself dwell on it.
Felix’s hand is reaching out to him. “That’s—”
“But they didn’t believe me, so I said that I had a boyfriend so they would.” Changbin continues, and Felix freezes. “I didn’t—I didn’t say a name, but.” He’s aware that what he might say next is a very bad idea, but even if there are more reasons to suggest that he shouldn’t, he says them anyway. “I thought of you. When I said them.”
“Oh.” is all he says, unsurprisingly.
“I’m sorry.” Changbin says again. He still doesn’t want to look at Felix, eyes prickling with tears, so he chooses to refocus his vision on the lights below and quiet but still bustling city, pretends like his eyes aren’t moist.
They don’t say anything for a while. Changbin feels like if he does, it’ll break the fragile glass he feels like they’re current standing on. It was a mistake. He really can’t stop fucking up his week, his life.
“What are you listening to?” Felix suddenly asks, much to Changbin’s surprise.
“Nothing much.” Changbin shrugs, taking out one of the earphones when Felix opens his palm. The cord is long, at least, so they don’t have to be that close to one another. He doesn’t know what’s appropriate to do, given their situation. “Songs from a prom playlist Hyunjin made.”
Felix visibly perks at that as he slips the earphone in. “Prom songs, huh.” He hums. “These are good. For dancing, especially. I can kind of picture it.”
“You aren’t even twenty seconds into the song.”
“It’s still good.” Felix insists, briefly closing his eyes, as if he’s soaking in the lyrics. He lifts his hand a bit and makes gestures that are unconsciously done but still graceful. “Trust me.” He looks to Changbin, eyes bright. “Dancer’s intuition.”
“Right.”
“I’m serious.”
“I’m not denying you.”
But Felix seems to take that as a challenge anyway. “I’ll prove it to you.” And Changbin almost asks how, but then Felix takes his hands and leads him to the center of the roof deck.
“What is this,” Changbin mutters, staring at their hands.
“You know why I like prom?” Felix says instead. “It’s for the dancing, more than anything. More than the fancy décor and the dressing up.”
“I know.” Because that’s a Felix thing to say. He lives and breathes dance the same way Minho and Hyunjin do. It’s why they’re so good at it.
Felix licks his lips. “Dancing with someone else, specifically. But you aren’t like that. Or, at least, you don’t see the beauty in it. Don’t lie to me; I know you aren’t a big fan of prom. You weren’t even planning on going—Jisung told me—but when I asked, you seemed to consider it.” Fuck Jisung and his big mouth, Changbin thinks. “I don’t know why you did, or if you were really serious, but given what happened with your parents, I’m pretty sure prom is absolutely the last thing you wanna do. And I get it, especially because you can’t ask boys to prom and you can’t ask them to dance with you. So that’s why I’m doing this.” He tightens his hold on Changbin’s hands briefly before maneuvering them, letting one of each of their arms stretch out together while Felix rests the other hand on his waist. Changbin’s hand hesitantly goes to Felix’s shoulder.
“Like High School Musical?” Changbin can’t help but inquire.
Felix’s eyes practically shine. “You watched the 3rd?”
“You told me to.”
The younger smiles widely. “Just like that. Is that okay?” Changbin nods slowly, after a few seconds.
A slow song in English comes on, just in time as they start moving. Changbin almost wonders if it was coincidental or Felix somehow knew about it. They don’t do grand gesture or moves, only moving back and forth, legs able to know where to go and how to do it without them looking or paying attention. Changbin realizes he’s not bad of a dancer as he thinks he is, and that Felix isn’t anything that special when he dances to songs like these as compared to his hip hop ones. But Changbin can tell enough that Felix is sure of his movements, more than Changbin, who is just going through the motions of it. Truly a dancer, through and through.
It’s not as visually appealing as the dance scene in High School Musical though. They aren’t pretty lights or pretty backgrounds, they aren’t wearing nice clothes, and they can’t sing to the songs they’re listening to. Their music comes from Changbin’s phone tucked in his pocket, they’re dancing in jackets and basic clothes, and the roof deck only has one light, the orange lightbulb by the door. Changbin still likes it though, likes the feeling, likes what they’re doing, and likes how Felix looks at him with that bright smile and brighter eyes of his.
If this is really why Felix likes prom, then maybe Changbin can find himself liking it too.
His English isn’t that bad; not as good as Felix’s, but decent enough for him to understand the words that come with it. “So close to reaching that famous happy ending.” When Felix starts to murmur and sing softly the words, already able to pick on the lyrics and tune, Changbin knows what he’s saying, stares at his lips and lets the words sink in. “Almost believing this one’s not pretend. Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are so close.”
“And still so far.” Changbin finishes, cheesy as it is. They come to a stop because the song ends, and while another one comes into play, they don’t move to that any longer. Instead, they stand still, looking at one another, hands and arms slowly dropping from one another’s sides.
“Changbin,” Felix says, and his hands rise up to touch his face. “Is this okay?”
Changbin nods, knowing what’s about to happen but not really processing it, and Felix leans forward, presses his lips to the other gently. Changbin can’t respond as kindly, because he’s a bit more forceful and stronger when he returns, too excited and thrilled by how it feels, how it’s happening. He can feel the smile on Felix’s lips as a reaction to his reaction, but he doesn’t care because Felix kisses back with just as much force anyway.
He almost regrets the fact that they have to pull away, because he doesn’t want Felix to see the embarrassed flush on his cheeks, but at least, when he looks, there’s the same red tint on Felix’s face as well, so maybe it’s not that bad.
“You like me?” Changbin can’t help but ask, even if a part in his mind says that it’s obvious enough. Hearing the words themselves are different though, confirms something that he can’t leave hanging.
Felix laughs. “From the start.”
Felix doesn’t ask about Changbin. He’s pretty sure it’s because he already knows, doesn’t need verbal confirmation. It’s in Felix’s eyes, that brat. Changbin shakes his head in amusement and endearment.
The younger’s hands reach out to Changbin’s, and they entwine with one another. “Things are going to be okay, Changbin.”
“How do you know that?” Changbin asks, and the atmosphere turns somber. “I haven’t talked to my parents since.”
“Fine, so maybe things might not be okay.” Felix amends. “But you won’t– you won’t be alone. Even if your parents don’t support you for some reason—and if they don’t, what kind of parents are they?—you’ll still have people be there for you. Our friends. Me.”
“Wish it was that easy.”
“Me too.” And it sounds like Felix means it, like he knows. Changbin supposes he does. He should. “Worst comes to worse, my parents can talk to yours?” he suggests. “Or we can adopt you.”
“Let’s not get there.” Changbin says, wrinkling his nose. “Please.”
Felix smiles, brushes his thumb against Changbin’s knuckles in comfort. “But I’m serious.” He says. “I promise that things are going to work out, fall into place, like they’re supposed to.”
Changbin finds it hard to believe. Optimism has never been his strong suit, and given the possibilities, reality, and how his parents reacted, it’s probably unlikely that things will ever be the same. He thinks the chances of things getting worse are higher than them getting better. But he looks at Felix and their hands linked together, and thinks, just like what Felix said, of how things fall into place, unexpectedly, like they’re meant to. Like them, right now.
“Okay.” Changbin replies, because for that moment, he wants to believe in him.
“Okay.” Felix repeats, softly, contentedly. “Do you want one more dance?”
Changbin rolls his eyes (in amusement, in fondness, because this is what being in love has reduced him to), and Felix whisks him away to another song.