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Dahyun isn’t sure the others understand – she doesn’t, either, sometimes. But that’s okay.
There are gestures, and there are words, and then there’s Sana, who goes beyond all that. Dahyun didn’t realize how little faith in people she had until this woman came along and made her a believer again.
Backtrack.
At some point in her life, Dahyun stopped blindly trusting others. She could even pinpoint the exact moment, too – it was when she walked into the trainee studio for the first time and saw girls that were much better than she was at everything. She liked to think that she had a positive attitude, and that her smiles and hilarious quirks would get her through this dream of hers easily, but adults shut kids like that down as soon as they had a performance test. It was hard.
She’s had many reality checks through life; as a consequence of this, when people promised her that they’d bring her lunch after practice, she didn’t really expect anything by the end of the day. Everybody was tired, and no one had time for kindness. Dancing, singing, playing, acting, posing, getting your make up done – that was all that mattered, and that was all Dahyun learned to trust.
Until Sana came along.
She barely spoke the language, and Dahyun felt sorry for her. But she studied. And gradually, Dahyun studied her.
It didn’t take long for her to realize that Minatozaki Sana was a bombshell. She was good with gestures, and she was good with words, but most of all, she was good with people.
Dahyun didn’t know how to approach her, because she was speechless. Sana kept her promises, lifted people’s spirits just by being around the room, and encouraged every single trainee to do their best, because if she could do it, then they could too. She was the type of person that Dahyun so desperately needed – and wished she could be.
So, when Sana approached her, she took the bait, hook and all.
She was so glad.
She still is.
“Why do you ignore what I say?” Sana’s voice through the cellphone speaker carries a playful hostility – and an underlying hint of pain – and Dahyun can’t stop smiling at the screen.
“I’m not ignoring you. I’m listening to your voice.”
“Ah! Really? Dahyun, come back home.” Sana believes that, because Dahyun is tired and spilling her guts.
“I will.”
The stream continues for a while after Sana hangs up, but all Dahyun can remember after that is that Sana promised she’d cheer her up once she arrived at the dorm. And Sana always keeps her promises.
The video ends, and so does her schedule for the day. Dahyun sleeps in the van until her managers wake her up gently. She yawns, drags herself towards the door and walks in with silent steps.
There’s no one in the living room and Dahyun assumes that they’ve already slept. There’s a ghost of pain in her chest, because she’s been through the same situation countless times before – the one where promises are broken due to tiredness and stress.
She tries not to dwell much on it.
Dahyun goes straight to the bathroom, starts the tiring process of removing her make up and her character, then washes her face. She looks paler than usual and the bags under her eyes are visible.
She tries not to dwell much on it.
After eating a banana, she brushes her teeth, spitting the remaining taste on the sink. With a sigh, Dahyun takes one last look at the empty living room, then walks into her room. As expected, Chaeyoung and Tzuyu are already fast asleep. She smiles softly at the sight of her friends snoring, then throws her plushie on her bed.
Dahyun stares at the blankets, then at her other plushies, and finally at her pillow. Sana’s words are still echoing inside her head, the silence numbing her other senses.
She tries not to dwell much on it.
She fails.
Dahyun turns on her heels, leaves the room, and walks into another, eyes watering. She sniffs, and the darkness welcomes her, threatening and empty. She feels like a child. All she wanted was a hug.
The path is familiar already; Dahyun steps silently into the shadows, avoiding the clothes piled up on the floor, and climbs into a bed that is her second home, settling against Sana’s back. She doesn’t move, waits for Sana to turn around and embrace her like she promised, but nothing happens. Dahyun waits a little longer, because she’s patient and doesn’t want to be a bother, but there’s only so much she can take before the exhaustion of the day catches up to her.
“Unnie…” She speaks softly, then sniffles.
That’s when Sana giggles, and finally – finally – turns to face her. “Did I trick you?”
Dahyun doesn’t care about the little joke, because Sana is looking at her with those eyes and she needs her right then. So, she dives into her arms and whines, small tears wetting her beautiful pajamas. “Unnie…”
Sana’s hand tangles in her hair as she hugs her tightly, heart beating fast. “Dahyun-ah… you did well today, didn’t you?”
“Yes…” Dahyun nods, whispering against her collarbone.
“You were so cute and brave.”
“Yes…”
“I’m really proud of you, Dahyun-ah.”
“Thank you, unnie…”
Sana can’t hold back a soft chuckle, pressing innumerous kisses to her hair. Dahyun cries silently, just as she said she would, and Sana hums a song to calm her down. They stay like that for a long time, and Dahyun thinks that nothing will ever be as healing as Sana praising her against her hair.
Once Dahyun is done, she shifts on the bed, leaning back to look at Sana. She’s beautiful, as always.
“Are you feeling better?” Sana mutters, wiping her wet cheeks with her thumbs.
“Mmhm.” Dahyun nods, then smiles when Sana pokes her nose with a finger. “You promised you’d cheer me up and you weren’t in the living room…”
“I wanted you to come here.”
“I know,” Sana is easy to read, but that doesn’t stop Dahyun from feeling betrayed for a second. “But still.”
They stay like that, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes. Sana likes to comfort people with words, but she has a special way of dealing with Dahyun – one that is silent, because Dahyun gets tired of talking. It makes Dahyun feel taken care of.
“Momo-ya.” Sana speaks suddenly, and Momo is already getting up from the bed on the other side of the room.
“I know,” She says, grabbing her pillow and walking out. “Have a good night, you two.”
Dahyun frowns, confused. “Where are you going?”
Momo doesn’t answer her, just chuckles and waves, closing the door. They’re alone in the room right then, and Dahyun feels her heart picking up speed.
“I asked her for a little bit of privacy,” Sana explains. “Is it okay?”
And suddenly Dahyun is filled with an uncontrollable emotion, because being completely alone with Sana was all she needed today, and Sana was already one step ahead of her and made this possible, because she knows her better than anyone, and Dahyun is so lucky to have met someone that understands her this much, and—
“I love you, unnie.” Dahyun breathes out.
She thinks that the sentence surprises Sana, because the way she looks at her shifts – it’s all starry eyes and admiration, and Dahyun loves her face and all its expressions. She chuckles warmly then, leaning forward.
Their foreheads touch. Sana parts her lips, and Dahyun hesitates because she still needs reassurance.
Sana’s never been good at hiding what she wanted.
Dahyun feels Sana’s hand sneaking under the blankets, grabbing her waist and pulling her closer, legs tangling. Dahyun lets her. She would let her do anything to her.
“Dahyun-ah.”
“Yes.”
“Can I kiss you?” It’s a whisper.
“Yes.” Dahyun answers breathlessly.
“I don’t mean on the cheek.”
“I know.”
Sana licks her lips, bites it, then flicks her gaze towards Dahyun’s. She closes their distance, slides her fingers up and down Dahyun’s side, caressing her gently, making sure she’s relaxed under her touch. Dahyun’s own hand reaches behind Sana’s ear. They stare a little longer at each other. Dahyun could burst.
“Unnie.” She mouths without a reason.
“I’m here.” Sana answers her. She always answers her.
Dahyun is the one who presses their mouths together. Sana closes her eyes, sighing and pulling her even closer.
It’s not their first kiss. It’s not their second, either. But it is the first time Dahyun acknowledges that this is what she wants to do every time she comes back home tired. And every time Sana praises her. And every time Sana looks at her with a fondness much too heavy to explain.
Dahyun can’t explain Sana. She’s kept promises, and she’s sweet kisses, and she’s the anchor to Dahyun’s insecurities and fears. She’s everything at once, and even though Dahyun is tired, she will never tire of her.
“I love you,” She mouths in the middle of their kiss, and Sana hums against her. She parts her lips, and their tongues touch – that is a first. Dahyun whimpers, because everything is so good.
They kiss slowly, exploring each other’s mouths, and Dahyun’s hand goes down to cup the back of Sana’s neck. She pulls her on top of her, rolling on her back, and Sana giggles a little. Dahyun chases her mouth every time Sana shifts to kiss her again, needy. She needs her.
“I’ll take care of you, Dahyunnie,” Sana pulls back a little to breathe in her ear. “Always, okay? I promise.”
Dahyun nods, kisses her again. She believes her.
They spend the night exchanging kisses and cuddles, confessions and promises. Dahyun can’t go two minutes without saying that she loves her. Sana can’t hold back from kissing her swollen lips.
Dahyun apparently finally blacks out, and Sana still looks at her with a soft smile. She brushes the hair away from Dahyun’s face and just stares at this girl who told her she loved her at least ten times that night.
“I don’t think you’ll ever understand,” Sana whispers one last time. “How in love with you I really am.” She holds her hand and presses her lips to her knuckles.
Sleep catches up to her, then.
Dahyun smiles, opens her eyes, and sighs softly.
Sana had her way with words, and she could make people melt with one delicate look, but when it came to Dahyun, she couldn’t put up fronts. She encompassed everything that was good, and Dahyun thought that maybe this is what the priests meant when they said that angels roamed the Earth, and sometimes walked into people’s lives. In a life made of trial and error, Sana was a divinity.
Dahyun looked forward to hardships, because Sana existed to heal her afterwards.