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Woodam can’t take a fucking hint and it’s the bane of Insoo’s existence because Woodam won’t stop texting him about maybe wanting to see Woncheol and Insoo ignores Woodam’s daily texts because declining would just lead to a game of twenty questions that Insoo doesn’t have the mental fortitude to play. It’s because Woodam doesn’t seem to know anything so it wouldn’t make sense to him that Insoo doesn’t want to reconnect with an old high school friend. But Woncheol isn’t any ordinary high school friend, he’s Insoo’s first love and Insoo spent the better part of a year actively repressing thoughts of Woncheol whenever they popped up in his head. And even though the passage of time and falling in love with Kenta had both done a lot to lessen the blow of seeing Woncheol again for the first time in years, Insoo was feeling particularly insecure lately, and he knew that seeing Woncheol was just a bad idea.
Even articulating why seeing Woncheol was a bad idea that necessitated heading on a downward spiral of Insoo’s messy thoughts and Insoo didn’t want to go there. Just the idea of seeing Woncheol was too much because if he was still the same person, it meant he’d be able to see through Insoo immediately. He would know that Insoo was angry, and he would more than likely ask why Insoo was so angry again. Would Woncheol sound a bit sad asking that? Would he bring up how mellow Insoo was when they were together? Already there were too many potential questions Insoo has no guts to contend with so it was just better to stay far away.
He was already being stupid for never deleting the text Woncheol had sent him back in the spring thanking him for watching over Woodam. Insoo didn’t save his number and left the text there, at the bottom of his messages, unsure of why he couldn’t delete it. Woncheol wasn’t anyone to him anymore, that’s what Insoo had tried to convince himself of, but actually seeing him had dashed that to hell. Insoo couldn’t name what he was feeling, but it was worrying because if Insoo was anything, he was singularly interested in Kenta. But Insoo was feeling insecure lately and it was hard to shake his negative feelings.
Kenta wasn’t the problem. Donghan was the problem; Insoo wanted to blame him for the hurricane of his feelings because Donghan was behaving so inappropriately towards someone who was spoken for. Insoo didn’t know Donghan that well, he knew that he was Jaechan’s doting hyung but he didn’t know his doting extended to anyone who he happened to like, and Kenta had been in his Cupid’s crosshairs. It wasn’t fair, why did Donghan have to fall in love with his Kenta when Insoo was the least well equipped to deal with Kenta’s wandering eyes. The timing was horrendous too, especially since Insoo had been patting himself on the back for how far he’d come in tamping down his jealous instincts when it came to other guys sniffing around Kenta. He was much more generous when he saw other guys with Kenta and half the time he didn’t even bring it up. And then Donghan ruined everything by being too touchy feely and too familiar and all of Insoo’s alarms had gone off at once watching how horrifically easily Donghan just ran his hands all over Kenta. Insoo had seen red the first time he laid eyes on Donghan, and his deep feelings of anger had only grown stronger because it really seemed as though Donghan was going to shamelessly carry on his skinship with Kenta no matter what anyone said.
“Let me run him over with my car,” Insoo had implored to a horrified Eunki and Hwanwoong who not only refused to let him, but strongly advocated that Insoo not even deal with Donghan. Insoo had listened because he knew the path of least resistance would please Kenta the most, and Insoo had tried to be as calmly vocal about how angry and upset Donghan made him feel, and Kenta, without fail, promised to talk to Donghan about his touchiness. But Donghan never seemed to heed these talks, and Insoo questioned if they even happened, so Insoo was stuck sitting on his bubbling feelings of rage while Kenta acted unaffected.
It wasn’t fair. Insoo had been working so hard on himself only to have all his hard work torn up instantly. Insoo was so formlessly angry, unsure of where he really wanted to direct his anger, only knowing he really wanted to hate Donghan and not hate Kenta but it all ended up going inwards anyway and so Insoo was trapped with all of his self-loathing and he didn’t know where to turn to for help. It didn’t seem right to pour out these kinds of feelings on Eunki when Eunki was finally so happy, and Hwanwoong was helpless in the face of Insoo’s violent mood swings, and even Sangbin was useless to him since Sangbin was too busy wooing Jaechan secretly.
Hence, seeing Woncheol would only spell disaster because Insoo couldn’t trust himself. He had no idea how to plan for their paths to cross. He was an open book, Insoo had always been a wide open book to Woncheol, and he didn’t think he could stand feeling naked and vulnerable in front of him. Woncheol would know with half a glance that Insoo was miserable and angry and most importantly exhausted from being miserable and angry. He might ask Insoo questions and Insoo wouldn’t have any strength to not unload everything on the person he used to love. And how awful would it be to tell your first love how unbearably unhappy you are now. And Insoo has no idea how Woncheol would react to him. Compared to the relationships Insoo had after him, what he and Woncheol shared was considerably chaste - they only held hands. If Woncheol were to reach out and touch him now, Insoo doesn’t know what he’d do.
Insoo thinks he’s doing a decent job at ignoring Woodam and not lashing out at him, or anyone else, because of his feelings and then things predictably get more difficult.
Insoo sits on his hands after Donghan kisses Kenta on the cheek, both of them drunk and giggling, and even though Insoo’s seeing red and he’s burning to smash something over Donghan’s head, he doesn’t do anything. He holds it in so he can carry Kenta home and after Kenta sobers up Insoo tells him very calmly that the kiss was crossing a huge line and that could absolutely never happen again.
Kenta had rolled over and hugged his pillow. “We were both drunk. It didn’t mean anything. I’ll talk to him, but you shouldn’t worry so much.”
Insoo waits until Kenta is snoring away to lock himself in their bathroom and sit on the floor and try calling his friends. It’s a gamble, because it’s 3am and he knows they’re sleeping, but sometimes Sangbin’s up this late and he just wants to talk to someone, anyone, and let out some of his frustration. And he gets three voicemails in a row and he feels slightly possessed because his finger is hovering over Woncheol’s text and over his number and Insoo snaps himself out of it. No matter how desperately lonely he feels, Woncheol is not going to be the person he reaches out to because it feels wrong.
Even thinking about it makes Insoo feel guilty.
Insoo takes out his angst on Sangbin, because Sangbin can take it, and it’s easy because Sangbin just knows him too well but he’s too different lately. Insoo thinks that Sangbin can see through him too, but unlike Woncheol who always knew how the pieces fell into place, Sangbin assumes too much incorrectly to ever make much of an impact on him. Except Sangbin is saying things too flippantly these days and Insoo is too sensitive to take it. It was too much when Sangbin brought up how he and Kenta met, and it was too much when Sangbin said Insoo was trying too hard to forcefully keep them together, and it really feels like the last straw when Sangbin meets Insoo’s woes with an instruction to dump Kenta.
Insoo pushes his way out of the restaurant they’re in because he can’t sit there and listen to Sangbin and have Eunki gasp and fawn over him. Sangbin’s words feel like knives in his back and Insoo wobbles to a bench and tries to regain his breath because he feels like he’s suffocating. Sangbin is too cold, too uncaring. He doesn’t like Kenta. Insoo doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t want to hear that it would be better to give up. He can’t hear it from someone like Sangbin when those same kinds of thoughts have been creeping in Insoo’s mind anyway. It’s too terrifying to hear them out loud.
It’s worse because of course Woodam and Woncheol are out walking and Insoo does a terrible job of hiding and he knows Woncheol saw him and it’s the worst possible combination of things. Insoo can’t look at Woncheol when he’s feeling this insecure. He doesn’t know what he’ll do, how anything will make him feel. He just wants to escape. It doesn’t even feel good to admit to Sangbin that Woncheol was his first love because Sangbin doesn’t know the truth either. It’s just too much all at once.
Seeing Woncheol sets Insoo on edge for the rest of the day. Woodam texts him again and Insoo waits, wondering if Woncheol will text him too and call him out for running away. He doesn’t. Insoo still agonizes.
Not wanting to see Woncheol in any capacity means Insoo has to admit a lot of things. He has to admit that Woncheol makes him confused about his feelings. Which means he has to admit that his feelings aren’t as secure as before. Which means he has to admit his feelings for Kenta are in flux, which means Insoo has to admit that he feels differently about Kenta but not in a good way. And that means Insoo has to admit that he really, really is unhappy and that he’s never felt more miserable and lonely and totally unwanted. And Insoo is afraid to admit what those feelings have been making him think, and he doesn’t want to admit Sangbin has only been voicing the distant and fearful thoughts Insoo’s already having about the state of his relationship.
Kenta is still waiting at home, promising to talk to Donghan about the kiss and the skinship and Insoo’s discomfort but it just feels like an empty promise because Insoo knows by now Donghan won’t change, and he even doubts if Kenta’s initiating these conversations at all.
Insoo’s ambivalence only grows the more time Kenta spends with Donghan and Insoo’s thoughts starting getting out of control. It’s a terrifying thing and it only makes Insoo feel more alone and unhappy. Insoo tries to find anything to distract himself from wondering where Kenta is when he goes out to meet Donghan so he doesn’t think they’re sleeping together. It’s for the same reason why Insoo has never asked about ex-boyfriends or whether or not Kenta dated when they were separated, because no matter the answer, Insoo’s going to turn them into monsters and they’re going to haunt him relentlessly and he’ll get jealous of nothing and it would only exasperate Kenta more because Kenta doesn’t like it when he gets jealous. Insoo manages to distract himself by going out with his friends and it works to a certain degree. It’s harder when he has to see Donghan when they’re all out and the questions return and swirl around in his mind dangerously and it’s really miserable.
He thinks about Woncheol too much if he’s honest, and he spends far too much time imagining what Woncheol would say to him about everything. And Insoo struggles to not imagine Woncheol telling him to just come back to him because Insoo was happy with him, and Insoo doesn’t want to tempt himself with idiotic thoughts. He feels guilty for even thinking of wanting someone else, even if it’s just a shoddy coping mechanism to try feeling less miserable. But Kenta isn’t sparing him any such thoughts and it’s just pushing Insoo too far now.
The air conditioner in his car is basically broken so Insoo just reclines in the driver’s seat and lets the fans blow hot air around, wondering if it’s hot enough to kill himself if he idles the engine.
He had been sitting with Jaechan in a convenience store stabbing apple slices with a spork, pretending he was stabbing Donghan over and over, but it hadn’t been cathartic enough. It became too intolerable when Jaechan had begun gazing at him with pitying eyes. Insoo feels bitter towards Jaechan because Sangbin loves him and Sangbin doesn’t love anyone, he didn’t love Insoo anyway. What right did Jaechan have to look at him like that? Insoo was miserable but he didn’t need Jaechan feeling sorry for him.
Insoo gets jolted out of his haze by someone tapping on his driver’s side window. Insoo’s heart sinks. It’s Woncheol. He cranks down his window a centimeter. “Yes?”
“Can I talk to you?”
Insoo nods slowly and reaches over to unlock the passenger door. He cranks his window back up as Woncheol walks around the hood of the car and climbs into the passenger seat.
“I saw you the other day,” Woncheol says without preamble. “You were running away.”
“I was.”
Woncheol smiles at him softly. Insoo looks away. “I noticed you seemed sad.”
“So?”
Woncheol sighs a bit. Insoo remembers this kind of sigh. He knows Woncheol can see through his defensiveness.
“You disappeared from my life so suddenly I wondered for a while if I had just imagined you,” Woncheol says mildly. “I just hoped that no matter where you ended up that you would be able to take something away from being with me. I hoped you would be happy.”
“Well I’m not,” Insoo presses the back of his wrist against his eyes. He’s going to cry. “I’m so angry all the time.”
“Why?”
Insoo lets out a shaking breath. “I don’t know. I’m just so tired.”
“Woodam hyung said you were seeing someone. Aren’t you happy?”
“You said I looked sad.” Insoo sniffles. “This isn’t how I imagined this conversation going.”
“You imagined talking to me but you ignored all of Woodam’s messages?”
“I didn’t want to see you.” Insoo wipes his eyes and sighs. “I was afraid of missing you. I wanted you to hold my hand and kiss me and tell me to come back to you because I was happy with you.” Insoo leans back in his seat. “And I’m supposed to want to fuck you so I can make my boyfriend feel as shitty and inadequate as I do all the time.”
“But?” Woncheol prompts.
“But I feel guilty just because you’re in my car.” Insoo presses the heels of his palms against his eyes. “I sat around hating myself and thinking about how I could stick a knife in him and twist it to make him hurt but I feel terrible just because you’re sitting here with me.”
“So you love him,” Woncheol says kindly. “But why don’t you think he loves you back?”
“He does,” Insoo feels choked. “I know he does but I can’t believe him because there’s someone around him all the time and it makes me feel terrible. And he knows how I feel. I tell him.”
“Then it’s not you,” Woncheol says. “Why do you think it’s you?”
“I don’t know. It’s just how I feel.”
“Seeing you like this is a bit heartbreaking,” Woncheol sighs. “I really had hoped you were happier now. But seeing you, I feel like you haven’t changed much.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry.” Woncheol is still smiling at him gently. “I just wish you were happier. I don’t know why you’re so unsure of yourself.”
“Because I know I’m not good enough for him.” Insoo feels like he’s swallowing nails. “I can’t help but think somehow I just tricked him into this and he’s just looking for a way out. I’ve never wanted to let him go but lately,” Insoo snuffles. “Lately I’ve been thinking about it.”
“Will you be happier if you do?”
“No. I’ll be more miserable because I’ll be alone.” Insoo sighs heavily. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Just do what will make you happy. I know it’s harder than it sounds.” Woncheol smiles at him again. “I want you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
“Woncheol, are you happy?”
“Yes. I am.”
“But were you sad when I left?”
“Of course. I loved you.” Woncheol looks at Insoo. “I didn’t know why you left without saying anything.”
“I couldn’t. My father got transferred back to Seoul. He moved us back so fast and I couldn’t do anything.” Insoo sniffles. “I broke my phone and lost your number. I didn’t mean to leave you like that.”
“I know. I know.” Woncheol reaches out to him, maybe to touch his face, but Insoo leans away and Woncheol drops his hand. “I’m sorry.”
“I tried so hard not to miss you.” Insoo says. “And now I don’t know what to do. I didn’t want to think about what ifs.”
“You don’t have to think about what ifs,” Woncheol says. “I’ve always seen it as we were only meant to have that short time to ourselves. Because I was able to tell you that I loved you, I could tell someone else too. I’m sure you learned something too.”
“I didn’t learn anything. I’m the same.”
“You’re not. You are different. You’re just unhappy now. You must have been happy at some point. You fell in love with someone else. You love him. So trust that.” Woncheol reaches for the handle to the passenger door. “If you want to, I don’t mind talking. I understand if you don’t want to; I know it’s hard for you.”
Insoo nods as Woncheol smiles and leaves his car, and it’s hard thinking about how much he missed Woncheol and how badly Insoo wanted him, but it’s harder coming home to an empty apartment when he knows Kenta isn’t working late, so Insoo curls up on their bed and eventually nods off.
Insoo wakes up to Kenta’s hands in his hair and he rolls over groggily to Kenta’s smiling face.
“Good morning. You looked so peaceful,” Kenta says with his usual lopsided smile. “I didn’t want to wake you.”
“When did you come in? Where were you?” Insoo whimpers as he reaches for Kenta.
“I was out with Longguo and Sanggyun,” Kenta says gently. “I called you but you must’ve been asleep.”
Insoo slumps against his pillow. “I missed you,” he says, feeling very pathetic.
“I missed you too,” Kenta leans in to kiss him but Insoo turns his head away. “Are you alright?” Kenta brushes his hand through Insoo’s hair. “Are you feeling unwell? Is that why you slept so early?”
“I guess,” Insoo’s voice comes out choked but he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know what’s making it harder to speak, the irrational fear that Kenta is lying about where he was or the guilt he feels about talking to Woncheol. Insoo just knows his body keeps pulling away when Kenta tries to touch him and it’s bizarre because Insoo always craves Kenta’s touch, and he’s been desperate for any physical affection from him so he can’t figure out why he’s rejecting it now.
“Are you sick?” Kenta’s forehead is creased with worry. “Should I stay home and take care of you?”
“No, hyung, you don’t have to. I’m fine. I’m okay.”
“Only if you’re sure.” Insoo lets Kenta touch the side of his face and he nuzzles into his palm. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, hyung,” Insoo says.
“Okay,” Kenta squeezes Insoo’s cheek gently. “I’ll take care of you when I get home.” He leans down and Insoo stills so Kenta can kiss his forehead.
When Kenta leaves, Insoo’s phone buzzes. It’s his daily text from Woodam asking if Insoo wants to talk to Woncheol. Insoo ignores it, as usual.
Insoo thinks he’s doing a good job of holding it all in. Insoo knows how harshly he can lash out, so Donghan should really feel lucky that Insoo hasn’t done anything to him because he’s wanted to but hasn’t. And it really burns him up every time Kenta goes out to see Donghan because Insoo can recognize that Donghan probably considers them dates even though Kenta insists they aren’t. Insoo holds it in even though it makes him feel terrible and he starts to get suspicious because he can’t help it when Kenta starts answering him vaguely about where he and Donghan went to hang out or all of a sudden Kenta is hanging out with Longguo and Sanggyun - Sanggyun who Insoo has never heard Kenta mention before a few weeks ago - a lot more. Insoo tries to expel the negative thoughts, tries to cling onto Woncheol’s advice to trust in how much he and Kenta love each other, but it is so hard when Kenta isn’t giving Insoo any reason to trust him.
The final straw is Kenta coming home late one night from seeing Donghan and Insoo has just been alone with his thoughts for too long and he can’t stop himself this time.
“Are you fucking Donghan behind my back?”
Kenta’s expression hardens. “If that’s what you think, you can get out.”
Insoo’s ears are ringing because there’s no denial, and Kenta should know what Insoo thinks so he’s effectively just telling Insoo to get out and so Insoo gets dressed and makes to leave.
“Where are you going?”
“You told me to get out. I’m just doing what you told me.”
Kenta’s face pales and goes blank but before he can say anything Insoo’s out the door, his keys still on his bedside table, and he’s in a destructive mood. He goes to Sangbin because Sangbin’s the most likely to indulge in his destructiveness, because Eunki is too soft and will try to talk him off the cliff but Insoo just wants to lose his mind for a little while.
He drinks himself into an oblivion and throws up behind a club and chokes on cigarettes and drinks even more even though his vision is blacking out and he isn’t quite sure how he ends up kneeling over a toilet and throwing up even more. He vaguely remembers one of Sangbin’s roommates asking if he was okay and then dropping Insoo on the floor after Insoo answered and then he wakes up in Sangbin’s bed hungover and sore and fully clothed with Sangbin glaring at him across the room.
Sangbin has his phone and it’s imperative Insoo get it back because Kenta has been calling him and all of Insoo’s self-destructive urges suddenly feel very juvenile and the idea that Kenta has been worrying about him suddenly feels agonizing. Even if Insoo is angry, he doesn’t want to hurt Kenta, and he knows that he’s not nearly special enough for Kenta to want to put up with his mood swings. If Kenta gets it in his head that Insoo left him to go hook up with someone else, like Sangbin, Kenta wasn’t going to keep Insoo around. And suddenly the gravity of losing the person he’s loved madly for four years is too overwhelming and Insoo kind of wants to clobber Sangbin for not giving his phone back.
“I’m doing you a favor because you’re too afraid of being alone to meet a guy who doesn’t make you feel like shit!”
It’s not like Sangbin knows how to treat people well either, and Sangbin certainly shouldn’t comment on Insoo’s fear of being alone, even if he’s right. Sangbin has his own skeletons and just because they’ve shared a couple of them, and a bed, it doesn’t mean Sangbin can pull that on him. Insoo is afraid of being alone. He’s afraid of losing Kenta. And if he has to lose Kenta, he doesn’t want to do it like this, when he doesn’t know what Kenta thinks he’s been out doing.
As soon as Sangbin surrenders his phone, Insoo picks up, “Hyung?” and he hears Kenta gasp. “Hyung.” Insoo wants to cry. He can hear Kenta sobbing.
“Insoo. Insoo. My Insoo. Where are you? I don’t want to fight, please come home. Where are you? I’m so sorry, I don’t want to fight anymore.” Insoo can hear Kenta sniffling. “Come home.”
“I’m at Sangbin hyung’s place,” Insoo snuffles. “I’ll be home soon, I’m really hungover.”
“I’ll come get you, I’ll get a cab,” Kenta says breathlessly.
“Hyung, you don’t have to…”
“I want to, I want to come and get you.”
When Kenta comes to pick him, Insoo is struck by how hard Kenta is shaking when they touch, how his hands are trembling as they brush through his hair and how his lips quiver as he presses them recklessly against Insoo’s face even though Insoo wants to resist because he’s unwashed and hungover but Kenta doesn’t care. Insoo untangles himself long enough to grab his jacket he left on Sangbin’s bed and Kenta takes his hand as they leave.
In the cab, Kenta is gripping his hand so tightly Insoo thinks he’s going to lose circulation, but he also can’t help but notice how utterly exhausted Kenta looks. The dark circles under his eyes look puffy and bruised and Kenta keeps nodding off before snapping awake again and giving Insoo’s hand another desperate squeeze. It’s painful to see, how wrecked Kenta looks, and Insoo feels a surge of guilt thinking about how much he hurt Kenta acting out.
Walking into their apartment is worse, because Kenta grips Insoo even tighter. “We need to talk.”
“I don’t want to talk right now,” and Kenta’s face falls and Insoo feels another spike of guilt. “No, no, we have to talk. But not now. You need to sleep.”
“I’m okay…”
“You look like you’re going to pass out. You stayed up all night, didn’t you?” Kenta nods tentatively so Insoo steers him towards their bedroom. “You need to sleep. We’ll talk when you’ve rested, okay?”
Kenta is reluctant, but lets Insoo guide him to their bed. He refuses to let go of Insoo’s hand until Insoo sits on his side of the bed. “Don’t leave,” Kenta whimpers softly. Insoo’s heart breaks a little, seeing how tiny and vulnerable Kenta looks, so he nods placatingly. Kenta is asleep almost as soon as his head touches the pillow. Insoo watches him for a while, feeling a bit anxious at Kenta’s still creased forehead and the uneasy way he moves in his sleep. Insoo waits until Kenta settles into a deeper sleep before carefully freeing his hand so he can take a shower and change into more comfortable clothes. By the time Insoo’s finished brushing his teeth, Kenta is still solidly asleep so Insoo crawls into bed and watches the steady rise and fall of Kenta’s chest, heart swelling with affection, but also guilt. Guilt, because Insoo never wanted to make Kenta feel this way, and because Insoo felt relieved that Kenta was trying to find him so desperately. Insoo deletes the cache of missed calls and frantic, misspelled texts from Kenta, feeling something uncomfortable sitting in the pit of his stomach. He wanted Kenta to want him this desperately, but not like this.
Insoo can’t sleep, so he just lays there listening to Kenta quietly breathing until he finds himself a little drowsy and curls up beside Kenta. Insoo sleeps shallowly, stirring every few minutes it seems, opening his eyes drowsily to see Kenta still snoring away. Kenta’s face has eased into a more peaceful expression and Insoo brushes hair off his face gently.
Kenta wakes up a few hours later, disoriented and reaching around, whimpering. When his hands find Insoo’s, he sighs in relief. “There you are.”
Insoo’s heart is suddenly in his throat as Kenta wipes the sleep from his eyes and inches closer to him. “We need to talk,” he repeats softly, his eyes flickering nervously.
“Yeah,” Insoo says thickly.
“I’m sorry,” Kenta laces their fingers together tightly. “I’m sorry I snapped at you to leave. But when you left I was…” He bites his lip nervously. “I thought. I thought you were really leaving. I was so scared.”
“I’m sorry,” Insoo mumbles. “I didn’t mean to leave like that. I was just angry and I…” Insoo pulls himself into a sitting position and Kenta scrambles to sit up too. “I’m angry all the time.”
“Why?” Kenta’s voice is trembling a little.
“Because I’ve been squashing all of my feelings because I thought it would be easier if I just didn’t tell you how I was feeling. I thought it would be better if I didn’t say anything so we wouldn’t fight. But it was hard on me, I couldn’t stop feeling jealous and feeling paranoid and I started thinking…” Insoo takes a fortifying breath. “I have always felt like I’m trapping you and forcing you to be with me and I just started thinking I don’t want to keep you trapped anymore.”
Kenta fumbles for Insoo’s hands again. “No, no, it’s not like that…”
Insoo barrels on because he feels like he’s swallowing nails again and he thinks he’s really going to start crying. “So I don’t want to trap you, if you like Donghan more it’s okay with me, I just want you to be happy.” Insoo’s voice cracks, it sounds horrific. “It’s not like I have any self-respect anyway, you could leave me and I’d probably wait for you forever. I love you so much, I just don’t want you to be unhappy.”
Insoo is crying and it’s embarrassing as he tries to cover his face but Kenta is trying to pry his hands away to look at him. Kenta’s fingers are brushing under his eyes and over his cheeks, trying to wipe Insoo’s tears away.
“I’m so sorry,” Kenta says. “What have I done to you to make you so unhappy being with me?” He tries to make Insoo look at him. “Insoo. My Soosoo. My baby. Insoo. Look at me, please.”
Insoo wipes at his face with the backs of his hands, trying to compose himself. Kenta scoots closer to him and rests their foreheads together. “I love you,” he says softly. “I love you so much. I don’t want anyone else. Just you. I’m sorry I haven’t been acting like it.” Kenta kisses the tip of Insoo’s nose. “I only want you. You’re the only one. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you feel so alone. I love you. I love you. I love you.”
“I know you love me,” Insoo croaks. “I know.”
“Do you not trust me?”
“I do. I do. It’s just hard for me. I can’t help but think there’s someone else because I don’t think I’m enough for you.”
“You’re more than that,” Kenta sighs and kisses Insoo’s nose again. “You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to receive so much of your love when I don’t give you anything in return. I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. I just want you to be happy. If you’re not happy with me, I’ll accept it. It’s okay.” Insoo sighs heavily as he wipes his face. “I don’t want to be miserable anymore. I don’t want either of us to feel trapped.” Insoo squeezes Kenta’s hands. “Don’t feel obligated.”
Kenta’s shoulders slump. “I never have,” he says softly. “If I didn’t want you I would have left without looking back. Even when you were being difficult I wanted to love you. I opened up to you more when I realized how much I missed you and how much I wanted to know the real you. I told Donghan that I chose to love all of you.” Insoo flinches a little at the mention of Donghan. Kenta shifts awkwardly. “I’m sorry.”
“Do you like Donghan more than me?” There’s the feeling of swallowing nails again.
“No.” Kenta rubs at his face, his own watering eyes. “I liked the attention he gave me. I don’t know why I wanted it so much.” He meets Insoo’s eyes with an unsteady gaze. “I understand if you can’t tolerate hearing that from me.” He swallows thickly. “If you’re too disgusted by me.”
“Never,” Insoo says softly. “I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to love you more than you love me.”
Kenta flutters anxiously. “What does that mean?” his voice is tight and strained.
“It means I’m confused and I don’t know what to do. I love you, but I’m angry and sad all the time and I’m so tired of being angry and sad.” Insoo wipes at his face roughly. “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”
Kenta’s eyes are watering. “Do you not want me?”
“I do.”
“Then why are you talking like this?” Kenta ducks his head away to wipe his eyes. “You’re scaring me again.”
“Because I don’t want to force us to be together if it’s not going to work,” Insoo says meekly. Sangbin’s words are heavy in his mouth. “I love you too much and I’m always afraid you’re just tolerating me.”
“That’s not true,” Kenta whimpers. “I love you too.”
“I know. I know.” Insoo sighs. “I’m tired. I don’t want to talk anymore. I want to sleep.”
“Okay,” Kenta slides off the bed. “I’ll give you space.”
Insoo curls up under the sheet and buries his head in his pillow, trying to not cry. He doesn’t want Kenta to feel guilty. Insoo just wants to be alone.
“Insoo…” Kenta taps his shoulder. “I’m going to go walk for a little while. I’ll be back soon.”
“Okay,” Insoo says, rolling back over and curling up closer to his pillow.
Insoo ends up being unable to sleep because his mind is racing. He never thought of voicing all of his deepest fears, to Kenta of all people, in his life. Sangbin was right, Insoo was terrified to be alone, but talking to Woncheol made Insoo fear being miserable until he and Kenta parted ways. Insoo rolls over, thinking about what Kenta must be thinking of, and if he ever considered Insoo’s feelings that deeply, and if he didn’t wasn’t that Insoo’s fault for never volunteering them? Insoo tosses and turns until he hears Kenta return, and sits up when Kenta comes in and sits on their bed. “You’re back.”
“I want to try to be better for you,” Kenta says. “I want to try to get rid of your confusion. If you still want me, I want you to try to trust me more.” He falters a bit. “Do you want that?” Insoo nods. Kenta still looks unsure. “Do you mean that?”
“Yes, hyung.”
Kenta leans forward to peck Insoo on the lips. “Thank you.” Kenta looks into Insoo’s eyes. “I’m going to make you happier.”
Insoo doesn’t really know what exactly Kenta has planned, other than Kenta spends a lot more time with him and showers him with a lot more affection. There’s a nagging worry that Kenta is only doing this to keep Insoo, and that when Insoo decides that Kenta is being nice enough to him that it will stop. Insoo convinces himself to voice these worries more often and Kenta quickly dispels them by cooing about how much he misses Insoo when he’s at work and how often Kenta wishes he could be home with Insoo instead. And Insoo likes the attention, he feels perkier when Kenta is doting on him the way he craves. It doesn’t completely drive away his anxieties, but it does a lot to quiet them.
“I want to take a trip,” Kenta says one night when they're curled up on their couch. “I have some time off soon and I want to go somewhere.”
“We could go south,” Insoo suggests. “Go to the beach. A little family vacation with Eunki, Jaechannie, and Sangbin hyung.”
Kenta pouts. “Not just you and me?”
“If it was just the two of us, wouldn’t we just lay around the hotel like we do at home?” Insoo smiles. “Let’s take a little family trip.”
Kenta’s amiable the whole trip and Insoo can feel the tension he’s been carrying around melting off of him. Kenta is cheerful and affectionate and Insoo blooms under all of Kenta’s attention. They use the rental cottage’s one bedroom and Kenta curls up close to him every night and peppers him with little kisses and declarations of love and Insoo positively beams. It’s arguably not very much for Kenta to dote on him like this, but it means everything to Insoo.
Even more so when Kenta smooths his hand down Insoo’s stomach one morning. “I want to be very gentle with you,” Kenta says softly. “Can I?” Insoo nods and Kenta slowly strips him out of his clothes and Insoo feels a little vulnerable with Kenta treating him so softly, and touching him much more gently than usual, and Kenta swallows up Insoo’s soft gasps in sweet kisses and it feels very delicate until Eunki screams from the other room and shatters the moment.
“Do you think he heard us?” Kenta asks as they rush to make themselves look presentable.
“I hope not,” Insoo says breathlessly.
(Luckily, it wasn’t them that caused Eunki to scream, it was Sangbin aggressively cuddling a bewildered looking Jaechan who was trying to answer Eunki’s questions about where Sangbin touched him.)
Kenta’s affection and doting continues when they return home and Insoo continues to feel at ease. Kenta going out with Longguo and Sanggyun doesn’t make him uneasy because Kenta sends him pictures of the three of them at the nightclub they decided to go too and a very drunk video of Sanggyun insisting Insoo should join them next time.
When Insoo decides to ask about Donghan, Kenta just shrugs and says he wouldn’t mind seeing Donghan if they were all in a group, but not alone. “I think we gave everyone the wrong idea, including ourselves,” Kenta says thoughtfully. “I think we both thought we were going on dates, and I don’t want to date anyone but you.”
Insoo gets a bit flustered, especially when Kenta leans over to kiss him quickly with his lopsided smile. “You’re the only one for me,” Kenta says firmly. “Don’t you feel the same way about me?”
So Insoo thinks about his anxieties that have been majorly absent since they fought, and sees the smiling man in front of him and pulls him closer. “I do.”