Chapter Text
Donghan falls in love with Kim Taedong at first sight.
He can still remember the way time stopped, how he dropped a moving box directly on Jihoon’s foot, how even Jihoon punching him square in the back couldn’t knock him out of his trance. It didn’t take Donghan long to fall in love with everything about Taedong. They were roommates and they shared classes and they fell into stride so naturally that Donghan could feel how it was just meant to be.
There was one problem. A problem named Yoon Jaechan.
Taedong texts Jaechan all the time and Donghan can’t help but conjure up the image of some beautiful supermodel there was no way he could compete with and had felt himself growing disheartened thinking the guy he’d fallen so hard for would never look at him. But then he met Jaechan, and he wasn’t at all what Donghan had conjured him up to be. Jaechan was still pretty and cute, but he was also a high school student, and acted like Taedong’s younger brother, so Donghan had regained his confidence.
But when he and Taedong kiss for the first time at a party, their kiss tastes like really cheap beer and Taedong grabs him by the shoulders and pushes him away with an apology. “I’m sorry,” Taedong says, not looking at Donghan. “I’m really drunk. I really can’t think straight right now. We shouldn’t do this right now.”
Even if ‘right now’ hadn’t been the time, there wasn’t another time to do anything. Donghan didn’t want to bring it up, because they had both been drunk so maybe Taedong thought that he was keeping both of them from doing something that they’d regret. But Donghan hadn’t been interested in a one night stand, he was really in love with Taedong.
So the strange uneasiness he feels towards Jaechan begins to resurface, especially when Taedong rushes out of dance practices every day to go to Jaechan’s hagwon. Donghan had been pricked with jealousy but he tried to cover it up by doubling his outward affection for Jaechan. Jihoon peers at him over the rung of the top bunk.
“You’re an idiot,” Jihoon says dismissively. “Overcompensating like that. If this kid’s as bright as you think, he’ll pick up that you really hate him.”
“I don’t hate him!”
“But if you could get him out of your way, you would, right?”
Jihoon’s words make Donghan’s mouth run dry. He had never considered anything that sounded so sinister. It was true that Jaechan was in his way, but he didn’t look like he was aware of it. It wasn’t Jaechan’s fault unless Jaechan was seducing Taedong actively. But Donghan feels uneasy thinking like that.
“I need a huge favor.”
Donghan isn’t sure what to make of the concerned look on Taedong’s face.
“Can you go and meet Jaechan at his hagwon and walk him home? He doesn’t live far. I’m doing a project right now and the group leader’s lost her damn mind. She thinks I ran off to take a shit; I need to hurry back.” Taedong looks at him imploringly. “Can you do that for me? I’ll owe you.”
“Sure,” Donghan agrees and Taedong gives him a fierce hug.
“You’re a lifesaver. I’ve gotta run. Thanks so much, Donghanie.”
So Donghan meets Jaechan and walks him home, talks his ear off about nothing in particular, and maybe he’s too honest admitting that he was jealous of the bond between Taedong and Jaechan, but maybe Jaechan is too honest replying that he was jealous of Donghan too.
“Can I ask you something about Jaechan?”
Taedong is bent over their sink, toweling off his hair. “Fire away.”
“Why do you run all the way over to his hagwon to walk him home every day? It can’t be more than a fifteen minute walk back to his dorm.”
Taedong stands up slowly. “I just do.”
“But isn’t there a reason? It’s not like he’s a kid…”
Taedong looks at him carefully. “I’ll tell you, but don’t tell him that I said anything.” Donghan blinks. “Someone’s stalking him.” Taedong goes back to toweling his hair. “He’s precious to me. I wouldn’t be able to live if he got hurt because I wasn’t watching out for him.”
Hot shame pours over Donghan and it forces him to bow his head, his face burning up with the guilt. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles. “I’m complaining about it and I didn’t know…”
“You didn’t know, so you don’t have to feel bad about it,” Taedong sighs. “Jaechannie blames himself. He’s embarrassed by it because he thinks it’s his fault.”
Donghan just swallows thickly, unsure of what to say. Sweet Jaechan, who always smiles so brightly, and Donghan becomes acutely aware of Jihoon’s words. If Jaechan is as smart as Donghan thinks he is, wouldn’t he pick up by now that Donghan hates him? But Donghan doesn’t hate him. Did Jaechan think that? Was that why he responded that way when Donghan admitted he was jealous? Donghan tosses and turns all night agonizing over it.
“You’re acting like a sinner,” Jihoon says to him, distaste evident. “He said it was nothing to worry about so why freak out over it? You’re not the one stalking the kid, so stop driving yourself nuts. Study for finals, you idiot.”
In the end, Donghan decides it only makes him love Taedong more to see how fiercely protective he was, even if it wasn’t for his benefit.
The summer however is what Donghan would rather forget, listening to Jihoon ranting about a friend of his that Donghan once met at a party who has been uncontrollably brooding because he flunked half his courses. “Hyeob’s done with the bullshit, he’s ignoring all the messages we send him. So now I’m the one who’s supposed to get him out of the slump. Some friend Hyeob is,” Jihoon grumbles. “You know anyone up for a blind date?” Donghan asks Jaechan who eventually agrees and Donghan kisses him on the cheek for agreeing; Jihoon thanks Donghan too.
Donghan has no way of knowing it would go as badly as it does and he doesn’t expect it when Taedong gets up in a frantic rush, grabbing his keys and running out the door when Jaechan calls him. He doesn’t come home so Donghan frets about it while Jihoon texts his friend.
“He’s not being straight with me,” Jihoon groans. “He keeps saying it was going good and then Jaechan lost his marbles and ran off.”
Donghan finds out the next day when Taedong walks through their door and walks Donghan flat against the wall, face to face. “You can tell me why your friend thought it was a good idea to put his hands on Jaechan when Jaechan didn’t want him to.”
Donghan goes into a panic, saying he didn’t know anything, but Taedong is glaring at him like he’s a detestable insect.
“What’s his name.”
Donghan tells him because he doesn’t know what else to do to make Taedong stop looking at him like that, it’s breaking his heart to think Taedong hates him, and he goes to Jaechan like a sinner and begs on his knees for forgiveness. Jaechan’s embarrassed by the display and tells Donghan that there’s nothing to apologize for, but Donghan swears to himself to be at Jaechan’s beck and call and do anything to make up for setting Jaechan up with someone who groped him. Donghan is embarrassingly more worried about what Taedong thinks of him, but Jaechan assures him that Taedong isn’t angry at him.
And if Donghan finds Taedong washing his bloodied knuckles in their bathroom sink the next night, he pretends he didn’t see.
Their relationship doesn’t become strained somehow. Donghan sees Jaechan all the time and treats him every time they eat together. He sees Taedong too, at home, when Taedong is exhausted from classes but barely sleeping. Donghan loves that part of Taedong too, how hardworking Taedong is, even if it means he doesn’t get to hang out with him much.
“Will you carry on with this sappy one sided love?” Jihoon asks one day from his bunk. “You’ve been crushing for a year now. You should confess.”
Donghan tries to gather his nerves so he can confess, planning out what to say, and even why he waited so long to say anything. When he comes home the day he planned to confess, he finds Taedong sitting in the dark with his head buried in his knees.
“Are you okay?” Donghan asks, and then gasps when Taedong lifts his head to reveal tear streaked cheeks.
“I confessed to the person I love today,” Taedong says quietly and Donghan’s heart shatters in his chest. “I knew he didn’t feel the same way, but I still hoped. There’s someone else that he loves.”
Donghan rests his hand on Taedong’s shoulder as a comforting gesture, knowing that Taedong doesn’t realize Donghan knows exactly how he feels.
“You know, I smoked in high school. It was stupid and I didn’t even think about how it would affect my ability to dance. And I got caught by one of the teachers at my academy and he tore me a new one for being such a dumbass and he ordered me to quit and said if he caught so much of a whiff of smoke on me ever again he’d kick me out. So I quit cold turkey. I didn’t know quitting felt like that, I thought I’d die. I really thought I was dying.” Taedong laughs, the sound hollow and broken. “I feel like I’m quitting smoking all over again. I feel like I’m dying. I needed something but I just have to stop short like this. All this time and it was never me, when I hoped like an idiot it would be me.”
Donghan rests his head on Taedong’s shoulder. He wishes he could tell Taedong that he loves him, that he wants to take away all of this pain.
“I’m sorry to unload all this on you,” Taedong wipes his face with the back of his hand.
“No, no, it’s okay,” Donghan says. “We’re friends. You can rely on me like this.” Donghan swallows dryly, and dares. “Jaechannie always relies on you, but you don’t seem to rely on anyone. It’s okay if you rely on me a little.”
Taedong just nods stiffly and rests his head on Donghan’s.
Donghan doesn’t know what possesses him to ask Jaechan, but he regrets it immediately because Donghan offhandedly mentions his plan to confess and Jaechan starts crying. Not even a noisy burst into tears kind, just a silently hurt kind of falling tears that’s more painful to see. Donghan can see it in Jaechan’s face that he’s shouldering the burden of being the person who doesn’t love Taedong back. Donghan wants to hate Jaechan for it, for ruining it for him, when all Donghan has done is love Taedong since they met, but he can’t hate Jaechan. Jaechan who is sweet and fragile and honestly, Taedong was never Donghan’s anyway, Taedong was always Jaechan’s whether or not Jaechan knew it.
It just sucks that Donghan can’t find anyone to hate or to blame so it all internalizes, thinking that if he was just better that Taedong would have seen him instead.