Chapter Text
The Creepslayerz went back and forth between each other’s houses after school almost every day, when they weren't helping out with the new Troll settlement in the woods. They often volunteered to go steal scrap metal and stuff from the local junkyard, which lead to long afternoons of just Eli and him on his Vespa, riding back and forth down the long stretches of curving California landscape until sunset.
Steve relished this time alone with his boyfriend - wow, he still couldn’t even believe that was actually a thing - because they had been tiptoeing around the idea of, well, coming out. They had already blown their cover. Okay, Steve had blown it. Not that it mattered, since Steve knew it had been his stupid idea in the first place.
Sometimes, everything he did felt like he was taking one step forward, and twenty steps back.
To be perfectly honest, he had simply panicked at how much he really did want to be Eli’s friend, and more.
That night had all happened so fast, how was he supposed to keep his head on straight between finding out monsters were real and falling in love with the nerd he'd spent the last few years tormenting? ‘Cause yeah. He had fallen head over heels for Eli at some point during that crazy night.
Which was often the topic he found himself focused on when they were on the road like this, the wind in Steve’s hair while Eli’s body was wrapped tightly around him, his little heart pounding against Steve’s spine as they sped down the road a little faster than was legal. But Eli wasn't complaining, he was laughing and clutching Steve tighter as the scrap metal rattled behind them in the little trailer Toby had found for them to use.
Steve had been pretty shocked that Toby was interested in helping them with their scrap metal trips, given that ever since Jim had agreed to let them join the Trollhunters (“On a probationary period,” Claire’s voice corrected him) Toby had been the most vocal about his disagreement to it. Not to Eli of course, but to Steve.
Steve grimaced as he remembered how Toby had started to shout off a list of all the horrible things Steve had ever done to any of them, and Steve had been kinda horrified to realize how he had no real argument to present on his own behalf, besides maybe taking down the gruesome and bringing them umbrellas. But it had become strikingly clear to Steve within the first few seconds of Toby’s list that those acts where nothing in comparison to his entire life of - of what?
So while he’d been busy falling into a giant hole of an existential crisis and stammering like an idiot at everyone, it had been Eli who had stepped forward and asked Toby to stop, and asked them to give Steve a chance. Then Jim (as the Trollhunter™ amongst Trollhunters) had given his final word that he wanted to give Steve a chance to prove himself even further, and that had been that. Still, Toby had continued to be clear he didn't like Steve or his presence. Until yesterday, that was.
Steve knew that Toby and Eli where sorta friends, but Eli had always preferred Jim, because Jim had been the only one to ever actually stand up for Eli. Against him. Because he was a bully. Because he hurt people and he needs to make other people feel as small as he does, because he's just like his father, and he's never going to earn the respect of the team, he's spent his whole like being an asshole and no matter what he does he's never going to be able to change how worthless and miserable -
“STEVE! WATCH OUT!” Eli suddenly shrieked directly in his ear, squeezing onto him even tighter than before. Steve’a eyes snapped back to attention and made direct contact with the rapidly approaching gaze of a frozen deer. Steve cursed, adrenaline surging through him as he swerved around the animal. They narrowly missed a head on collision with an oncoming car, causing Steve to turn so sharply back into the right lane that he overshot, and they skidded off the edge of the road into the bushes.
It all happened in a flash, ending with Steve suddenly lying flat on his side, sticks and leaves shoving at him from every direction and tearing his skin in numerous places. He blinked a few times to regain his senses, and twisted around in a panic to see if Eli was okay. A thousand worst case scenarios rushed through his mind in the milliseconds it took to twist over, such as Eli having smashed his head open or gotten stabbed in the neck by a stray broken stick.
To his relief, Eli had rolled a little bit away from him before they had hit the bushline. He was sitting in the grass rubbing his leg, but he wasn't dead. Then Steve looked downwards, and saw that his Vespa had kept sliding, ripping a hole through the bushes until a tree trunk had stopped it. Steve winced at the obvious indentations in the metal. That was gonna cost him.
“Steve? Are you okay?” Eli called, voice sounding panicked.
“Yeah, just banged up, what about you?” Steve called in response, dragging himself out of the bushes. He stood, not bothering to dust himself off before hurrying towards the other boy. Upon closer inspection, he saw that Eli’s leg was bleeding, scratched along the side badly. Road burn. God Eli’s moms were going to kill him! And behind Eli, Toby’s wagon trailer was flipped over and looked to be in bad shape, their stolen scrap metal strewn everywhere. This was a huge mess, and it was all because of him.
He felt a wave of emotion well up in him. Amongst all the shame, pain, fear and anger was another learned instinct; he could blame Eli for all of this, if he wanted. Shove it all away onto someone else to protect himself from having to deal with it. Steve was suddenly reminded of when he used to blame small things that went wrong around the house on his mother’s drinking, for fear of his father’s fists. More shame and anger welled up. He shoved it all away, and focused on his wounded friend in front of him. That was what mattered.
“How much does it hurt? Can you stand, Pepperbuddy?” Steve tried to make his voice as gentle as possible, echoing the tone his mother would use on him after his father did beat him into a pulp, trying to ignore the burning in his eyes. He threw in the pet name to further put Eli at ease guilt gnawing at him from the inside out.
“I don’t know, it’s not that bad, let’s see…” Eli said, his voice sounding a little strained but optimistic as he turned and pushed at the ground, trying to get his feet back under him. It seemed to work at first, until Eli tried to unfold his body and take his hands off the ground. Once his weight was fully on his legs, he winced and whimpered, crumpling as his leg gave out from under him.
He didn’t hit the ground again, however, because his boyfriend dove forward to catch him and hold him up. Eli stood on one leg while he held onto Steve, taking a deep breath. The tears that leaked out of his eyes from under his crooked glasses made Steve feel like vomiting, so he also took a few deep breaths. This is all my fault, all my fault, it’s always my fault…
“I’m so sorry…” Steve choked out, his throat suddenly too tight to breathe. He stared at the ground between their feet, trying not to tremble as he held Eli up.
“What? Steve, this was an accident, it’s not your fault you didn’t see the deer. It could have been way worse if you hadn’t reacted so well!” Eli said, his little hands squeezing Steve’s arms where they held onto him as he spoke. Steve shook his head.
“I wasn’t paying attention. It could have never happened at all if I was actually keeping my stupid mind on the stupid road!” Steve said, unable to keep the anger out of his words. To make matters worse, it caused Eli to flinch slightly, flooding Steve with even more emotion ridden memories.
“Sorry, I’m sorry, I'm just stressed out. We better call for a ride, I don’t think my bike’s going anywhere.” Steve sighed, fishing his phone out of his pocket. His dismay heightened when he laid eyes on not only a cracked screen, but the words No Service staring back at him from underneath the shattered surface.
“My phone’s dead…” Eli said, upon seeing Steve’s shattered screen and lack of service.
“We’ll have to walk. Luckily, it’s only about seven miles to Arcadia.” Steve guessed. Eli looked down at his scraped leg, and at how his knee was swelling and turning purple around the kneecap. That couldn’t be good.
“Only seven miles?” Eli questioned.
“Don’t worry, i’ll carry you.” Steve assured him. After all, he was the one who had hurt Eli in the first place. Eli’s eyes widened.
“For seven miles?!”
Probably more like ten miles, actually... Steve’s brain supplied, but he ignored it.
“Don’t worry, Eli. I carry heavier weights than you during training all the time.” Steve replied. Eli still seemed worried, but Steve’s joke appeased him a little. The smaller boy looked around at the way the scraps of some of the less rusty metal where reflecting the last rays of daylight.
“What about your Vespa? What if someone finds it and steals it?” Eli asked in concern. Steve shook his head.
“Once we get cell service, we’ll call Blinky and ask him to send someone to get it. But...we should probably at least get the scrap metal off the road, so nobody gets hurt. The last thing we need is my stupidity causing more accidents…” Steve said, turning his head and ending in a mutter as he saw the way Eli’s expression changed.
“For the last time, Steve, it wasn’t your fault. And you’re not stupid!” Eli said, in his sterner voice, the voice that tended to take control of situations whether Eli really realized it’s power or not. Steve ignored his words, choosing to focus on the matter at hand before it got too dark.
“Here, i’ll clear the road. You just take it easy, alright?” Steve said, lowering Eli back down to the ground. Eli nodded, and watched as Steve hurried to the road to kick the metal pieces away into the grass. Luckily, there weren’t many, and no cars came by while he worked. When he was done, he hurried back to Eli’s side, and thought for a moment before he came to a decision.
“I think our best bet’s a piggyback ride, so if I kneel down, can you climb on top of me?” Steve asked. Even in the dim of twilight, he could see Eli’s face turn a brilliant red. Steve pretended he didn’t see it, and hoped he wasn't blushing as well. He suddenly wondered how much Elil had thought about him in that way, before decided that train of thought was probably a bad idea at the moment. So he filed away the ideas that came to mind, and turned around. He knelt with one knee on the ground and the other folded under him, and spread his arms to show he was ready to pick Eli up.
He felt Eli’s arms wrap around his neck first, and with the help of a slight tug on his shoulders, Eli managed to put enough of his weight on his arms to swing his legs around. Steve grabbed onto them carefully once they were around his torso, careful not to brush against the injured calf and knee. As he had predicted, Eli’s smaller frame fit fairly snugly against his back, and he was able to stand up pretty easily.
“You good?” He asked, trying to ignore the pounding of his heart in his ears as Eli’s head came to rest against the crook of his neck, on top of where his arms held on.
“Yeah, are you?” Eli asked.
“Yup. Told you Pepperbuddy, I could probably carry you to the end of the world and back without breaking a sweat. I’m just that awesome.” Steve told him as he started out in the direction of Arcadia.
“You are that awesome. Which is why it bothers me whenever you call yourself stupid. You know you’re not, right? Everyone gets distracted sometimes.” Eli said, softly, as he was practically speaking directly into Steve’s ear. His breath was warm, especially compared to the dropping temperature of the night air.
“But i’m always distracted…” Steve muttered in reluctant argument, the urge to let his walls down surprisingly powerful. That was just something Eli seemed to be able to do to him.
“By what? What were you thinking, before the deer?” Eli asked. Steve was silent for a long moment as he trudged alongside the freeway, in between the treeline and the edge of the asphalt river.
“The same thing i’m always thinking about. Or trying my hardest not to think about, to where I don’t think at all. And we both know what happens when I do that.” Steve said, struggling to voice what he felt. He wasn’t used to talking about feelings. He wasn’t used to admitting how much feeling he felt.
“And what is that?” Eli asked, sounding remarkably patient with how evasive Steve was being.
Steve swallowed, the images of him shoving Eli into lockers and worse flashing across his mind.
They were dating now. Eli was his boyfriend. He had said yes to dating Steve, after Steve had tormented him more than anyone for god knows how long...didn’t he deserve something in return? And on that note, all of the evidence so far pointed to Eli being trustworthy, and understanding, and forgiving...if anyone could be trusted with Steve’s innermost thoughts…
“How much of a big phony I am.” He said, in a voice that was so small he almost couldn’t hear himself. He stared ahead at the distant light of the town over the hills of the trees, trying to keep his breathing regular. He waited as Eli was quiet, suddenly afraid he’d made a stupid choice. How was he supposed to explain what he’d been feeling on the road without explaining things he really didn’t want Eli to know about him?
“Why are you a phony?” Eli asked, also in a quieter tone, a careful tone. Seemed like he thought it was better to take this one small step at a time. Steve’s lips felt dry, so he licked them before he answered.
“I pretend like I’m this great guy, like I know what I’m doing all the time, like I can do anything, like I’m the King, you know. But really I’m - I don’t…” Steve stopped talking, throat suddenly tight around his words. He could see himself in the school crown, on stage at the dance, and he remembered the disappointment on Eli’s face.
“So being the King is just...a cover? Well, that’s not so bad, you know, everyone’s faking it till they make it at our age…” Eli tried to suggest.
“Yeah, but… I’m not trying to make it. It was never about the future. It was...I don’t like myself and the things I do, and when I do like it I don’t like that I like it... I always hurt people and mess things up, but i’m a big coward so instead of dealing with it or even thinking about what i’ve done or what i’m doing I run away from who I really am and pretend to be perfect but, really…” Steve sighed, shoulders sagging as the weight on his heart seemed to double with the truth’s value. He could feel Eli shift to adjust to the change, his heart beating a little faster than it had before against Steve’s back.
“I’m the biggest loser in the whole school, I think…” He finished. While it made his soul cringe to admit or even think about, something about finally letting some of his true thoughts into the air that made the weight seem lighter. Like every step he took wasn’t being dragged down so much.
“Nobody’s perfect, Steve, especially as a kid. And that’s what we all are, still just kids. Yeah, you used to be a jerk but it sounds like you were just taking your confusion out on others. Now that you’ve stopped doing that, it means you’re less confused.” Eli replied, slowly and with a lot of pauses, like he was choosing his words carefully and assigning them deep meaning. Steve drank them in, trying not to flinch away from how this talk grated on his instincts.
“I used to think it was okay, in some way, I guess...to let my pain out that way. Actually, no, I didn’t think. I just felt that way. But then, well, you know the rest. I started thinking before I did things…”
Steve stopped talking because he had to focus on carefully navigating a downward path over a hill in the dark. He was about halfway down, when he felt Eli shift, and suddenly there was blue light pouring over his shoulder to light up the rocks and grass along the incline.
“Sorry, should have done that sooner!” Eli apologized, holding his outdated IPod up even higher so Steve could see farther down the hill. It couldn't call for help, but it could provide them light.
“That’s just what I was going to say about thinking. I wish I’d done it sooner. It almost feels like it’s too late…” Steve admitted, half his mind still focused on their conversation while the other half found footholds down the hill.
A semi drove by the road past them, it’s large lights offering them a little more illumination. Steve wondered if maybe he would see a kid carrying an injured kid and stop to help, but the semi carried on as swiftly as it had came. Once it was out of earshot and they were finally on level ground again, Eli found it fit to respond.
“Excuse my language, but that’s bullshit, Steve. I know everything can feel like the end of the world right now but you gotta remember, we have our whole lives ahead of us! We aren’t even out of high school yet, and you’ve already realized the error of your ways. I think that’s pretty impressive. The fact you realized you had to start thinking about your actions on your own is why I know you’re not stupid!” Eli said, voice no longer soft and patient, but stern and passionate.
The same voice he’d used to snap Steve out of his panic at the museum. But edged with a care, he really wanted Steve to believe him. Steve wanted nothing more than to believe him, it made something small and foreign blossom in his chest.
“You really feel that way?” Steve asked.
“I wouldn’t have said yes otherwise! I wouldn’t have even become a Creepslayer if I didn’t know - oh! That’s another point!” Eli realized, interrupting himself, much to his boyfriend’s amusement.
“You’re a Creepslayer, Steve! You’ve fought monsters to save this town, risked your life to help Jim and me and the others, you spend your time helping the trolls rebuild their lives! You’ve come a long way from prancing around in a crown we all know you cheated to get months after the dance was over!” Eli told him with some enthusiasm.
Steve flinched at the truth hidden in the joke. “Shit...you knew? Everyone knew?”
“Well, yeah…” Eli said, suddenly not sounding so amused, like he might have said something wrong. Which was rich, since Steve was the fucking maniac that had cheated his way into being the dance’s King. Just then, the light provided by Eli’s IPos suddenly died, and they were returned to the darkness. Steve stopped walking so he could let his eyes adjust, and Eli tucked his IPod into his pocket.
“I’m so sorry, Eli, I should have told you sooner...I know how much you wanted to win.” Just as Steve had been starting to feel less like a pile of dogshit, his emotions came crashiong down on him like a house of cards. They started off towards Arcadia again, and Eli returned both his arms to being wrapped around Steve’s shoulders or neck.
“I feel like such an asshole. You where the real winner, it should have been you, you can have the crown and staff when we get back, I can’t believe I didn’t tell you before we started dating, I mean, the whole point is I don’t deserve you, I hurt you and bullied you and no wonder Toby hates me -” His downward spiral was interrupted by Eli literally slapping a hand over his mouth. This was so surprising it caused Steve to halt in his tracks, splashing mud with the weight of his stomp.
“Steve, the only person who gets to decide if you’re worthy enough to date me is me, okay?” Eli said, almost desperately. Steve nodded behind the hand, surprised how Eli’s actions had helped him to clear his mind. Eli pulled his hand away.
“Sorry, maybe doing that wasn’t the best idea but I just - “ Eli apologized, his voice dwindling away towards the city lights. Steve shook his head.
“No, that helped. I’m not really used to talking about this kinda stuff, so a little coaching is appreciated. See why I get distracted? Everytime I start thinking about one thing I’ve done wrong, no matter how small or how long ago, I can't help but think about everything I've ever done wrong. And everything I ever will do wrong, for that matter…” Steve lamented, shaking his head in exasperation. He hated admitting how broken he felt on the inside, and this wasn't even scratching the surface. Still, it was the most intimate conversation he’d had with anyone other than his mother.
“That's why you didn't notice the deer till I said something? You were having a downward spiral?” Eli asked, sounding like he had reached his Eureka! moment in this conversation.
“Yeah. I was thinking about how awful I was to Toby. I mean, I was bad. I was kinda having a meltdown over all this stuff that's going on, before we you know, made the Creepslayerz...things were crazy and I took it all out on Toby, and I said some stuff...there's stuff you just can't take back, you know? Even if you didn't mean it. Even if you were just saying to someone else what you were thinking about yourself, it can never make up for…” Steve stopped talking, feeling like he was losing his own plot. There was a long moment of empty air before Eli spoke in return.
“Everyone makes mistakes and changes. Obviously some mistakes are bigger than others, but like I said, I've never seen a bigger effort to change in response to mistakes, so if you keep trying it counts for something.” Eli paused as Steve struggled to climb over a patch of ice and snow that had yet to melt.
“Plus, you know what they say, time heals all wounds. I mean, think about it Steve. I know that this probation thing seems like they don't trust you, but they forgave and trust NotEnrique, Arrrgh, Nomura, and even Strickler now! And those guys did way worse things than you. Sure you where a bully, but you weren't a murderer or a spy for an evil demon troll!” Eli said with increasing severity, as if he himself was also just realizing how true his words were, when he heard the comparison out loud. Eli’s words filled him with such warmth it made Steve forget how cold he was. But there was a snag in him being able to fully swallow the spoonful of sugar Eli was trying to provide him with.
“Why?” Steve couldn't help but ask. He felt Eli lean his lead a little closer to Steve’s ear, their hair brushing together.
“Why what?”
“Why are you the one who’s convincing me I’m not a bad guy? For that matter,” Steve swallowed, “I still can’t believe you said yes to dating me. After everything...I’m sorry for how I treated you and I want to make it up, but I feel like nothing I do will ever really be enough…”
“Steve,” Eli tried to say this as calmly as he could, “You’re literally carrying me on your back like Yoda.”
“And that’s supposed to make up for years of torment?” Steve protested. Eli opened his mouth to reply, before he just couldn’t bear it anymore and he started to laugh.
“What’s so funny? Pepperjack? Don’t make me drop you!” Steve warned jokingly, every time the other boy failed to reply because he was laughing. Finally Eli regained control of himself.
“I’m the one you’re supposed to be making things up to, but you’re arguing with me at every turn. It almost feels like it isn’t about me at all.” Eli said matter of factly, carefully letting go of Steve with one hand so he could reach to push his glasses back up the bridge of his nose.
Steve lowered his head, suddenly feeling like an idiot for opening his mouth at all. He couldn’t even express himself right when he tried, who was shocked? Eli seemed to realize how Steve had gone silent at what he said, and he tried to back track.
“That’s not really what I meant! What I meant is that it seems like you want me to agree that you’re a bad person who doesn’t deserve me, but if I agreed with that, I wouldn’t have become your friend in the first place, let alone your boyfriend. And if I have to keep repeating that for the rest of my days, well, I guess I can do that.” Eli said the words casually, but he knew that Steve would understand the intent to commit.
“You don’t have to repeat it again, I promise. I’ll get better at this stuff. It just takes time, right? I have to be patient.” Steve didn’t know who he was talking to more, Eli or himself. He supposed both was better anyways.
“Think before we act, operate from the shadows, strike when Arcadia needs us, and be patient.” Eli echoed enthusiastically. The last part seemed to be the last piece of a puzzle Steve didn’t realize he’d been trying to solve. Eli’s faith in him and the feeling of getting this stuff off his chest, even if just for a little bit, made Steve feel lighter than air. His muscles were starting to get tired, but in a strange way, he felt like he’d caught some second wind.
Eli didn’t seem to feel the same spike of renewed energy that Steve did. He yawned directly in Steve’s ear, and the sound was so adorable Steve had to take a moment to collect himself. He smiled, even though he knew Eli couldn’t see it.
“You know, you can try and catch some Z’s. I won’t let you go. It’s gonna be a long walk.” Steve told him, squinting up at the stars that were starting to twinkle over their heads. It was getting colder, but Eli pressed against his back kept him warm.
“Are you sure you can carry me the whole way home? You must already be getting tired…” Eli worried reluctantly.
“Don’t worry, my dad once left me by the side of the road a town over and I walked all the way home in one night. I can handle this, take a nap if you need to.” Steve assured him.
“Why would he do that?” Eli asked, sounding alarmed. Steve stiffened up, realizing he had forgotten himself. This was what happened when he got things off of his chest.
“It wasn’t like that - it was more like a mutual agreement. We were fighting and I got out of the car and told him to leave me because I was mad. I guess I didn’t really expect him to leave, but walking wasn’t that bad.” Steve tried to explain, hoping it sounded better than reality had been. Eli was quiet for a minute, and every second he didn’t reply Steve felt his tension increasing tenfold. What if he had said too much?
“Well, at least you know Coach would never do that, no matter what you said.” Eli finally told him, his voice small and seeming far away, even though Eli’s head was hanging over his shoulder. The words struck Steve strangely, as if he’d bumped his funny bone and sent tingles up his arm. The words struck him deeply in a place he’d forgotten, and made him shudder as he realized how true the words where. He almost wished it wasn’t true, that Lawrence didn’t care about him more selflessly than his own father had. He blinked, suddenly feeling like his eyes were burning against the cold air.
“Y-yeah, I guess you’re right. Now get some sleep, Pepperbuddy.” Steve said, hoping Eli didn’t notice how close his voice was to breaking. Eli seemed to finally agree, because he shifted slightly against Steve, before turning his cheek to rest on Steve’s shoulder. Steve focused on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to breathe through the sudden tightness in his chest. A few moments later, he felt Eli’s breathing steady out, and knew the smaller boy had fallen asleep.
Then it was just Steve, the stars, and the thoughts he was pretending not to think.