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it is no surprise to minghao when it hits him. rather, the surprise is pulled out from him when he finds himself being rejected after he courageously stutters out words that describe his affections for kim mingyu.
love is something that minghao ponders upon occasionally, adolescence and curiosity the two factors drive him to ask what it truly is. he sees it everywhere, in its many forms, from familial to romantic and beyond. maybe it's because he's closed himself off to the world and everyone in it that he doesn't understand. (it's a symptom of being sick, distancing yourself from others.) that's why now, no matter how hard he pondered about it, he cannot fully comprehend it.
and he needs to, because he thinks he feels something like love towards mingyu.
he does not understand how he feels frightened yet safe once mingyu holds his hand, guides him through the crowd, since mingyu is afraid – afraid he'll lose minghao because of the current that are the many passers-by in the busy streets of hongdae ‘cause he’s so thin and fragile. and minghao holds his breath the entire time because he doesn’t expect the urge to kiss mingyu to awaken that day, when all they did was play at the arcade and watch buskers perform.
or when mingyu laughs because of something silly that minghao truly can’t help but sigh, cringing with lips pursed. the feelings that bubble in his chest contradict his reactions as it slowly makes his heart constrict. and he's left breathless, wondering if mingyu somehow steals the oxygen from minghao’s weak lungs to let out bursts of laughter that minghao’s heart dances to.
it is magical and also frighteningly beautiful, he thinks, these feelings.
so when he tells mingyu he loves him, he does so by saying, "i think I love you.”
all of his research about love ultimately leads to this moment, when he feels unsure yet certain. minghao hopes for the best, gaze unyielding as he focuses it on mingyu.
mingyu stops mid pun (he loves searching for puns over the internet and reading them out loud to minghao when he visits) and slowly lifts his head up to look at his friend.
his body is set into overdrive, sweaty palms and forehead, flushed cheeks and beating heart thundering as he awaits a response -- any response because please, for the love of God, he has not stopped thinking about mingyu once the realization that he's probably in love made him trip on his way back to his hospital room.
"i'm..." is mingyu's first word and minghao feels anger bubble in him, impatient. "flattered. but--"
minghao's lip twitches and he feels dread spread throughout his entire body, soon replaced by anger and a helpful amount of self-loathing that makes his skin itch. "i meant it platonically, idiot."
mingyu and minghao met when minghao still attended school. it was when his kidneys were still functioning after spending his childhood in the hospital, dialysis after dialysis draining the life from him. he had the most difficult time gaining friends, mostly because he did not relate to the things that happened around him.
they talked about games, girls and getting good grades when all minghao wanted was being able to pee without someone helping him.
months passed and sure, he talked with his peers sometimes, laughed when it was appropriate and even memorized everyone’s names, but he felt disconnected from everything. like he’s having an out of body experience where his soul is just flying around without a purpose. he’s often spaced out that his homeroom teacher had to yell his name out loud in class and he feels embarrassed because suddenly everyone’s looking at him.
especially that kid vernon, who’s should not even supposed to be in their class anyways but he was so smart the class for younger kids didn’t make sense. he looked at minghao like he could see his lost soul.
he was spaced out too, when mingyu pushed him too hard in PE when the class was playing volleyball and he ended up with a sprained ankle.
it was mingyu who carried him on his back and rushed him to the nurse with their homeroom teacher lagging behind them. minghao doesn’t remember anything from that time due to him passing out from the pain, but he did remember mingyu’s frantic apologies before everything faded to black. when he woke up a few hours later, however, only their teacher was there talking to the nurse.
he didn’t even get to get mad at him that day.
minghao spent two weeks trying to recover and ever since then, was afraid of mingyu.
who wouldn’t be, when he could have single-handedly killed him then?
but mingyu was like a puppy, following him like a shadow once he could walk again. sometimes, he would sit beside minghao at lunch and not even say anything, just eat his own packed lunch. he’ll even share his side dishes and the chinese boy never dared to eat it, afraid it’ll contain some sort of poison.
when the bullies who were much older than them even as much looked at minghao, mingyu was like a guard dog and stood up from where they were sitting in gym class, crossing his arms and daring them to approach them.
(if minghao looked hard enough, he could see his ears perked up with his teeth bared threateningly.)
because of this, no bullies came near him. come to think of it, the other kids didn’t too.
upon realizing that mingyu might be at fault for his dry social life as a child, minghao made it a point to confront the giant about it.
“why are you always following me?”
mingyu frowned, looking like he’d been wronged with his lower lip jutting out and eyes asking, “why are you even asking me this?”
(don’t ask minghao why he knew that at that time.)
“are you stupid? just answer my question,” is minghao’s heated response, little fingers curling into tight fists.
“we’re friends, right?”
what a huge idiot... who would be friends with you?
that was the first time minghao had punched someone in his entire life. his knuckles hurt and the black purple bruises in them were imprinted in mingyu’s cheek days after. but not once did mingyu tell on him. even when mingyu’s mother personally visited the school and demanded to know who. he saw them once, on the way back to their classroom. and he watched mingyu, instead of responding, crying like a big baby with snot and tears running down his face and minghao thought he looked so disgusting.
so much so that he vowed never to be friends with him ever.
still, he stuck around like the magic glue adults use, the ones that somehow put everything broken back together and they’re not allowed to touch, until minghao had no choice but to warm up to him.
if someone asks minghao if he regrets their friendship, he’ll probably answer with a firm ‘yes’. but if he’s asked if he would do it again, he probably would.
(including punching mingyu.)
“joke,” minghao says right after, throat dry. “i meant what i said.”
mingyu blushes and seeing his reaction, minghao feels slightly more hopeful. if mingyu doesn’t see him that way now, he’ll just have to see if he can change his mind.
he may need a little bit of help though, so when visiting hours are over, he sneaks to another department where a guy named lee seokmin is being confined. he’s his only friend aside from mingyu and is an amusing person that keeps him company.
he’s been here longer than minghao, mainly due to the fact that he’d been in a coma until two days ago. an attempt at suicide led him to have a few broken bones aside from being in a coma for a whole three months.
when he woke up, he was belting out a mariah carey song inside the men’s bathroom, happy yet sad that he was alive. minghao happened to walk in then and when he saw minghao, smiled so brightly that the chinese male was appalled. he turned around to leave but instead seokmin dragged him to the vending machine and offered him to buy him coffee.
minghao knocks on the door and as expected, is ushered inside by seokmin. his friend clings onto him and walks him towards his hospital bed, pulling a chair for minghao to sit. he acts as if minghao didn't visit him yesterday.
“i’ll only be here for a few more weeks. they’re putting me on rehab to make sure i’ll be able to walk. all that sleeping made my knees weak, i can barely stand, let alone walk, ” he says, peeling a clementine for minghao. “how long do you need to stay here for?”
minghao smiles a little, and allows himself to lie to his friend. “until they get rid of the cancer, i guess.”
“eh. first your right kidney, now it’s your left?”
“maybe my body doesn’t like to live,” minghao replies, munching on the fruit.
he doesn't want to tell seokmin that he doesn't really need to stay here. he's just afraid to go home.
minghao’s right kidney is fairly brand new and he remembers waiting for years for a donor, confined inside the hospital. he got it from a guy who died from a hit and run (his name was jeon wonwoo and minghao knows because he wants to at least remember his name), he was so happy to be alive and he thinks maybe that’s why the cancer decided to visit him and stick to his other kidney.
what hurt at that time was not the knowledge that he’s sick again. it’s the realization that his college plans with mingyu will not come to fruition.
there’s nothing special with them, really. just sharing a dorm, going to the same school and all that. but it’s all the little things that could happen in those few years. like attending music festivals or concerts, travelling, cramming for exams, inhaling coffee like it’s oxygen to get through every day and maybe even making friends. or something like that.
(“i already have you,” minghao wanted to tell mingyu then when he suggested the latter.)
it also hurt to see mingyu crying for him. big and loud sobs that seem to come from every fibre of his shaking being. minghao had to pry his hand away from his friend’s grasp and when he did, he hit him on the back of the head. mingyu just cried even more so he chased him away from his room and that’s when minghao broke down, mingyu’s sadness (like his smile and laughter) rubbing off on him.
being sick is second nature to minghao, since he’d always been sick for as long as he can remember. if people ask him what he is, he’ll answer that he’s his parents’ son and that he’s a sickly child. he’ll probably add that he doesn’t deserve his parents because he’s never going to be completely healthy like the son they’re supposed to have.
but just because he’s used to it doesn’t make it okay. he realized that when mingyu cried for him for the first time that day.
“i need your help,” minghao says while seokmin peels another clementine. there are four already peeled and it doesn’t seem like he plans on stopping yet.
seokmin tilts his head, waiting for minghao to continue.
“i...i confessed to someone and i need help to court them. or something like that.” minghao’s fingers and toes curl in disgust.
“...i’m game. what do we need to do?”
seokmin stops peeling the clementines, flashing a bright smile. he also sees the hint of a mischievous smile in them but he doesn’t think too much about it. instead, he lets out a deep sigh and makes himself comfortable on his friend’s hospital bed to explain.
it’s going to be a long night.
when mingyu returns to visit again, minghao’s hospital room is decorated with poorly cut paper hearts in varying shades of pink and red.
it’s the day before valentine’s day, and he asked mingyu to come today because maybe mingyu has a date with someone tomorrow. he didn’t really want to mess with his friend’s plans in the love department. at least one of them should have a successful shot at romance, right?
“what’s up….with all the decorations?” mingyu asks, shrugging his backpack off to put it on the floor beside the bedside table. “did the hospital decorate all the rooms like this?”
minghao scoots to the side, trying to remember what he rehearsed with seokmin. “it’s valentine’s tomorrow,” he responds stiffly.
the taller laughs, sitting on the free space on minghao’s bed. “you got a date?” he asks, flashing a toothy grin. “do you need friendly advice, is that why you invited me over? you didn’t tell me you had someone you liked here.” he picks up his laptop from his bag and turns it on while talking.
“yeah, you’re my date.”
mingyu freezes halfway through typing his password and starts laughing nervously. the ‘ha ha ha’ that’s begging the other to say he’s joking or just brushing it off completely. minghao watches him try (very obviously, at that) and he feels both angry and embarrassed.
“look,” he starts while trying to breathe evenly. “this thing...i-it’s not going to go away soon. and you can’t expect me not to do anything about it just because i’m sick, okay? i’m going to do something about it, the only way i know how. and i’m going to wait until you feel the same way i do. and if not, it’s fine.” slowly, he opens his eyes and in a gentler voice says, “i just...want to know if this is a real thing.”
minghao stands up after abruptly after, leaving a rather baffled mingyu who then tries to find a horror movie they can watch together. it’s insidious, mingyu tells him quietly, while minghao’s opening his mini fridge to get the box of chocolate truffles he made with seokmin. he stares at it a little, knowing it doesn’t look all that pleasing outside of the red and white box with the golden bow, but he hopes it tastes good at least. it took a while to make it decent 'cause the first few batches they made together were a mess.
he hopes mingyu can at least appreciate his efforts.
he walks back to his bed and throws the box in front of mingyu as gently as he could. “happy valentine’s,” minghao mumbles before sliding under his covers again. “is this movie any good?”
“why do you choose to be in the hospital? you should’ve been home three days ago.” mingyu asks once the movie is finished and he’s helping minghao’s nurse clean up the mini table where minghao just had his dinner.
minghao shrugs. “i’m scared i’ll eat something outside that’ll make the cancer worst.”
mingyu frowns at him, before escorting the nurse out of the room. “auntie misses having you home. and you haven’t even agreed to get surgery.”
i know.
“maybe it’s best they get used to me not being home,” minghao mutters. he hears an audible (way too dramatic, actually, though minghao doesn’t hold this against him) gasp coming from mingyu and he laughs, shaking his head. “it’s a symptom of being sick, mingyu, being this way.”
“ right . there you go again with your ‘symptoms’. but i still think you should just go home. auntie looks like she hasn’t slept a wink since you decided to be left behind. she calls your aunt who works here to check up on you every day and when they visit you, you’re always asleep.”
his parents visit him daily but they don’t stay long. his mother has a chinese restaurant to run and his father has to work his office job to pay for his medical bills. his father’s sister is the one who pulls the strings to make it possible for him to stay here without any particular reason.
when they visit, minghao chooses to sleep because he he can’t bear to see the disappointment in their eyes every time minghao rejects their suggestion if going through with the surgery that will “maybe” make him better. unless it’s a hundred percent going to cure him, he’s not going to ‘cause he’s scared to die on the operating table with strangers in white surrounding him.
the guilt makes him feels sick to the point of throwing up. but he doesn’t tell mingyu this, though.
when it’s just the two of them left, minghao makes room on his bed so that mingyu can lie down. surprisingly, his bed could handle the both of them. mingyu is...much bigger and heavier than minghao and had always been. he’s everything minghao wants to be: normal (ish). mingyu has his whole future in front of him and sometimes he feels envious of his best friend ‘cause he wishes he can see his future clearly too.
they usually lie down like this, mingyu updating him of what’s happening on the outside world. from politics, new games, anime series, their old classmates and his family. minghao is silent when he talks like this, just listening as his voice fills the whole room and makes it slightly warmer. sometimes he falls asleep (maybe that’s why mingyu does this before he leaves) but he doesn’t feel sleepy tonight.
minghao rests his head against mingyu’s shoulder, closing his eyes. even mingyu’s skin is warm. he could feel it through his sweater. “maybe i’ll go home next week. what do you think?” he mumbles.
“i think that’s a good idea, hao,” he hears mingyu say and he could hear the relief in his tone. “should i tell auntie?”
minghao shakes his head, nuzzling the other’s shoulder like a cat. “it’ll be a surprise. pick me up?”
mingyu nods, laughing although there’s really no reason to laugh. “okay.”
“okay,” minghao replies, sighing.
it means that his plan with seokmin won’t be happening but it’s something he’ll live with. he makes a mental note visit his friend later when mingyu leaves to tell him that maybe he’ll need to do everything himself in the end.
ah, the things he does to make other people happy.
home is a reminder that he’s still alive.
maybe that’s why he feels even more sick when he’s there.
going home after years of being confined in a hospital the first time, his parents had flashed him their brightest smiles he had ever seen. the looks on their faces seemed hopeful, relieved and a mixture of other emotions that made him feel choked up with his own as he tried to identify them.
the years he spent after getting a sparkling new kidney were one of the happiest and most burdensome time of his youth. they were so excited for him and the future. his parents didn’t expect that a few years down the line, his other kidney is going to get sick so their plans had to stop.
he remembers walking to their kitchen to get a glass of water to see his mother preparing his first packed lunch for school and crying silently while doing so. at that time, he should have hugged her and told her ‘thank you’ but instead he ran back to his room and cried until the sun peeked through his curtains.
he recalls how his father gave him a sparkly new phone that looked really expensive and told him to hold the number one if there’s an emergency since it’s his doctor’s speed dial. minghao nodded, got a pat on the head and an, “i’m proud of you.” from his father when he doesn’t even deserve it.
hope is what home represents.
“you okay there, bud?” mingyu asks once they’re on the bus.
minghao nods, though he honestly feels like throwing up the closer they get to home. he distracts himself by counting the number of cars that they pass by and how many red cars there are.
but mingyu’s very talkative today and he’s at sixty eight cars (only twenty eight red cars) when he gets nudged by him.
slowly, he turns around to face him. “what is it?”
“the chocolate was good,” he says, looking straight ahead instead of at minghao. “you made it yourself, right?”
minghao flushes at the unexpected compliment and turns away quickly, resting his cheek against the cool glass window. “i guess,” he mumbles. he wants to ask if mingyu ate it all or if he’s lying to make him feel better or something but he’s too happy to do so.
his best friend's laugh is awkward but the sound pulls at minghao’s heartstrings still. “thank you. i’ll make sure to give you something for white day.”
minghao sticks himself closer to the window as if he can melt through it and jump in front of traffic.
the good mood stays with him the rest of the day. communicating with his parents is easier, even, when they ask him what he wants to eat or did he want his favorite pyjamas to change into tonight. not once did they ask why he stayed in the hospital for longer and he’s thankful. he likes to believe that the reason behind this mingyu because he just keeps staring at minghao after each question. he’s surprisingly quite observant.
it’s one of those (used to be) odd and eerie moments when he knows the other is trying to figure him out. there’s a lot of times that he got punched by minghao at those times and got called disgusting. today, he punches him on their way to the kitchen to wash the dishes, earning a yelp of pain. mainly because his stares flusters him now -- non platonic feelings and all that -- and he really doesn’t want to suddenly say or do something that’ll force him to come out to his parents.
in minghao’s mind, he can be sick but he certainly can’t be sick and gay. that’s just too much of a burden on his parents.
after lunch, the two of them head to minghao’s room. it’s been cleaned by his mother, the scent of lemon air freshener still in the air. there’s an array of inspirational and self-help books mixed with school books as well as anime figurines displayed all over his shelves and desk. his laptop is there as well as a small plant his mother thought would add more life to his room. (ha.) other than that, his room is pretty blank and he prefers it that way.
minghao pushes back heavy white curtains and opens the windows to welcome cool air while mingyu settles himself on his desk chair.
it’s been a while since the both of them were in his room and maybe it’s because of the confession again or feeling like a stranger in his own room but he feels nervous, hands sweaty and gross. so he sits on his bed in an indian position, rocking back and forth. just to do something, anything.
mingyu is the first to break the silence, as always.
“you have any plans tonight?”
brows furrowed, he stares at mingyu. he’s asking a rather stupid question (not surprising) since minghao doesn’t have plans that don’t involve him. the lack of friends part contributes to that.
“no. why?”
mingyu stops from spinning around and just looks outside the window. naturally, minghao follows the line of his gaze as if to see if there’s anything special he should be taking note of that’ll clue him in on what the other’s thinking. it isn’t very helpful, since there’s just the rows of houses and cars passing by that can be seen outside.
“how about…” mingyu starts slowly. “we go out after dinner?”
“eh? but it’s valentine’s day. don’t you have a date?” minghao asks this in the most innocent way possible and certainly not laced with jealousy as one would expect.
after middle school, mingyu had grown to be more approachable and he also grew out of his awkward and brooding type personality. this, in turn, led to him gaining attention from the opposite sex. it didn’t necessarily bother minghao then and now, too. it’s just that he wants mingyu to have fun and not be forced to hang out with him at times like this. it’s not a big deal.
“i don’t,” mingyu confesses, fiddling with his fingers the way he does when he feels embarrassed.
“okay,” minghao answers all too quickly. “okay.”
silence falls between the two for a few minutes before mingyu stands up from the chair which makes minghao stand up too. a glance at the digital clock on his desk tells him that it’s getting late and mingyu’s sister is probably home already and hungry.
“i should be going. i’ll drop by later?”
the air is awkward and minghao nods dumbly, staring at his floor until he hears the click of the door opening and closing.
for a few minutes, he’s just staring at the wooden panel, his mind devoid of any thought and when it hits him, he gasps too fast in surprise and chokes on his spit for the second time today. it’s not a date so he really shouldn’t get ahead of himself. but still, a warm and light feeling spread on his chest and he wishes time will fly by faster than ever.
minghao tries his best to hold back. when mingyu texts him that he’s on his way, he panics and starts thinking way too much of what he should wear and how he should look. he truly doesn’t need to look his best for mingyu when it’s just the two of them hanging out. but he styles his hair with wax, pushing his bangs to side and even moisturizes his face.
for today, he chooses to wear a lightweight fuzzy turtleneck, black pants and his long deep brown duffle coat that he only wears once in a blue moon. he pairs this with a pair of timberlands that he got for his birthday.
he looks like he’s going on a date, staring at himself on his full length mirror.
“hao ah?” his mother calls out from outside his room, slowly opening it to see her son all dressed up. “oh? are you going somewhere with mingyu?”
minghao nods, glancing at his mother. “d-do you think it’s too much?”
she beams at him, walking towards him to reach out and fix the collar of his coat. she also tucks away stray strands of hair away from his face and cups both of his cheeks. minghao feels like he’s a child again, as it’s been a while since he looked at his mother straight in the eye.
“have fun, okay?” she says in mandarin. “you look so handsome.”
he nods, smiling a little. “mhm. we might be back a little late.”
his mother caresses his cheeks with the softest smile he’s seen on someone’s face. “just make sure you have your spare key. i gave mingyu one too, in case.”
“auntie! minghao?”
she lets go of minghao’s face and turns around, sniffling. “there he is! i’ll go downstairs and open up. you should finish getting ready. it’s a bit cold still so wear a scarf.”
when she’s already downstairs, minghao lets out a heavy breath he’s been holding. his chest burns and aches and the guilt is slowly swallowing him again. but he doesn’t let it consume him or else the rest of his night will be ruined and there aren’t many nights like this given to people like him. so he sucks it up and follow his mother downstairs where mingyu greets him with his infectious smile.
he smiles back even if he doesn’t feel like it.
“you’re joking, aren’t you?”
“what? i thought it’d be nice!”
“there’s so many people, mingyu….”
the place that mingyu decides to take minghao to is lotte world and the amusement park is bustling with people. especially couples. wherever he looked, he could see at least three couples walking behind each other. they’re wearing matching shirts, matching headbands and being lovey dovey and it honestly makes this whole hang out session with mingyu more date-like than he wanted.
“you’re the one who said this isn’t a date,” he continues to protest once they’re inside.
“it isn’t,” mingyu says firmly, glancing at minghao. “i just wanted to visit since i haven’t been here in a while.”
minghao isn’t really a fan of theme parks but it seems like mingyu is enjoying himself way too much, waving him over to ride what was called the gyro swing. it’s a gigantic spinning ride that greets minghao with the screams of people already riding it. they fall in line and finds that he doesn’t have the heart to propose they go to another ride. he’s really scared of heights and as far as he knows, mingyu is too.
“you sure about this?” minghao asks, feeling his heart race the closer they get to the gate.
mingyu nods. “y-yeah,” he answers, his voice shaking.
minghao laughs and while he’s still nervous, he holds mingyu’s hand and they ride it together.
after the ride, their legs are shaking and mingyu almost threw up. there are tears in both of their eyes from being too scared and when they see each other’s faces, they burst into nervous laughter that grew louder and less nervous. after buying some water and taking a breather, they set to plan out which rides to go on next.
the comet express will probably be something minghao will not forget today. the chairs spin around and they couldn’t stop laughing when they look at each other’s and the other people’s faces of horror. it’s one of those fast rides too that made him so nervous. mingyu holds his hand tightly while yelling and he grabs hold of him, eyes closed. he just listens to the sounds around them and the feel of mingyu’s gross hands.
it reminds him of when they visited another theme park before at a school trip. he didn’t want to ride the thrill rides and found mingyu in a similar sitting position. despite wanting to avoid him then, he suggested that they go on the carousel instead and ended up hating it. but after, they got lost and held each other’s hands to find the nearest adult that can help them find their group.
while the memory played in his mind, he couldn’t help but smile. when he opened his eyes to see mingyu looking at him worriedly, he grinned and let out a loud ‘WOO’. mingyu, seeing this, laughed and chimed in as their voices mingled with strangers.
after the ride, the both of them were really too dizzy after so they spend a few minutes just walking and buying small things to munch on like corn dogs and fries. mingyu manages to spill ketchup on his white sneakers which isn’t really something to be surprised over. minghao chokes on his corn dog ‘cause it’s too hot and he burned his tongue.
mingyu laughs at this and gets smacked in the head.
after their fifth ride, the both of them eat tonkatsu at this japanese style restaurant before going home. their throats hurt too much from yelling for hours that they spend the bus ride and walking to minghao’s place in silence. the night is chilly and of course, minghao had forgotten to put on a scarf like his mother told him earlier.
like in dramas, mingyu pulls at his hand to stop him from walking. minghao’s brows immediately furrow but he doesn’t say anything as mingyu unwraps his thick and fluffy black scarf from his neck and puts it on minghao.
“we’re always home, you do realize that, right?” minghao says once mingyu is done and they start walking again.
mingyu nods, looking down at his feet. “mhm…”
shaking his head, minghao buries his face against the scarf and he almost nuzzles it since it’s warmer than most scarves and smells faintly like mingyu’s cologne.
“did you enjoy today?” the taller asks once they reach the front gate of minghao’s house.
minghao pretends to ponder on it for a bit which has mingyu pouting. “i can’t say it was an entirely bad experience.”
“you’re just being an asshole now.” mingyu whines.
“i thought you already knew that i’m an asshole?” is minghao’s comeback, though he can’t stop from smiling. “it was great. don’t get your boxers in a bunch.”
“good.” mingyu’s smile is triumphant and proud and it makes minghao regrets giving him a compliment a little as it makes his heart do little flips. “welcome back, hao. you should rest up.”
minghao nods, allowing himself to smile a little. “alright. good night, gyu.”
minghao opens the gate and steps inside, smiling way too widely to be seen by anyone. he’d be embarrassed if his mother is still awake and sees him like this. so he treads the darkness carefully and quietly, hearing soft snores coming from his parents’ room when he passes by it.
when he’s alone in his room, he shrugs off his coat and realizes then that he still has mingyu’s scarf around his neck. he unwraps it and smells it again, feeling warmth spread in his chest again as he replays the way mingyu carefully wrapped it around him. he’ll find it hard to sleep tonight but he does go through his usual nightly routine of washing up and changing before jumping on his bed, smiling face against his mattress.
maybe, just maybe, coming back isn’t too bad. at least, mingyu makes it so.
a few months after going home, minghao suggests to his parents that he should get surgery over dinner. the shock and relief in their faces make him tear up and when they hug him, the tears do fall then. he’s still terrified and while the success rate for the surgery he’s about to get to get rid of the cancer is fairly high, there’s still a chance he’ll die.
but ever since the valentine’s date, mingyu slowly and surely becomes the secondary reason why he wants to stay alive. he knows he’s being hopeful, putting meanings to mingyu’s actions and words when they’re together and he’s too afraid to ask and have an answer. so he decides that maybe when he’s “better”, he’ll ask then.
and try as he might to deny it, he also misses living a normal life. he already had a taste of it before which lead him to meeting mingyu. the possibility of his ‘symptoms of being sick’ he uses when justifying not making friendships aside from the actual symptoms being completely gone fills him with hope.
seokmin also contributes to it. and one time when they both decide to go out and eat ramen, seokmin tells him that he really didn’t have a reason to want to die.
“i lead a very happy life,” seokmin opens up. “my parents are so in love it makes me sick and my older sister dotes on me like there’s no tomorrow. i also grew up surrounded by a lot of people that love and adore me. although i don’t look like it, i’m actually really smart and talented. i was supposed to go to university with a full scholarship and while i didn’t have my whole life planned out, i knew i had something i wanted to do with it.
but as i grew up, there’s this void that filled me. i was diagnosed with depression and had to take meds to continue functioning. i felt guilty for it because i was given everything i could ever ask and more. and that just made the void bigger. i tried so hard to be happy and make others happy until i tried to kill myself. i thought that ‘ah finally, the void will consume me’.
as you can see, i’m still alive.” he laughs, shaking his head. “the void is still there and i still think about taking my life. but i’m trying my best to recover. just because it’s the most humane thing to do. we always want to try even if there’s no guarantee we’ll succeed. we always try to find a reason for our existence, to smile, and to live on.”
“why are you telling me this?” minghao asked then, having a whole lot of things to say against what he just said but he couldn’t.
“oh? i wonder why?” seokmin answers in a sing song voice, sipping his cola.
minghao scratches his cheek. “you want me to be inspired or something so i can go through with the surgery.”
seokmin hums. “eh? i thought i was just sharing a bit about me to a friend. is this a symptom of being sick?”
minghao scowls at him, making the other laugh.
“it’s part of being human, not giving up,” he tells his parents. “so i want to try it.”
“i’m so proud of you, son. i know it’s not easy. we understand you’re scared and we’re scared for you too. we don’t know exactly what you’re going through and feeling but thank you for wanting to go through with it,” his father responds, placing his hand on minghao’s shoulder.
“i didn’t want to force you. me and your baba…” his mother stops a little, letting out soft sobs. minghao wipes her tears away with his thumb gently and she leans against his touch, holding his hand with her own small ones. “...saw how difficult it was for you to live. we were ready to let you go if you really wanted to. we don’t have the heart to selfishly ask you to stay and fight this battle for us or for anyone. thank you… thank you, hao ah… i’m sorry...”
“don’t be sorry, ma,” he answers, hugging her close to him as she breaks into uncontrollable sobs. he doesn’t even bother to hold back his tears, sobbing like he's a child once again. “if i can be reborn again, i’d still want to be your son even if i'm sick like this or worse. thank you for giving birth to me… i’m so thankful that i’m yours and baba’s son.”
the three of them spend the entire night talking. minghao settles in between them in their bed that night the way he did when he was younger. they tell each other stories of what they missed in the time the air was too heavy to talk this comfortably. they laugh together the way they haven’t in years and sleep wrapped in the warm blanket of another form of love that minghao always pondered about.
minghao is admitted to the hospital on the night of mingyu’s birthday. he had to prepare for surgery which was on his best friend’s birthday. although he wanted it to be on another day, his doctor’s schedule was full until may. minghao couldn’t really wait for too long so he agreed in the end.
there is no seokmin he can go to when he’s bored but he doesn’t need to. his parents are there and his aunt as well who checks up on him when she’s able to. mingyu visits too after classes and stays until visiting hours are over.
“we won’t be spending your birthday together,” minghao says apologetically.
mingyu flicks his forehead. “your operation is more important. focus on that.”
minghao flicks the other’s forehead back, scowling. “i get it, i get it.”
“we can celebrate after it,” mingyu says quietly, looking down.
he looks like a sad big puppy with its ears folded against its head and it’s too endearing to resist. minghao pats him gently, putting on his best smile though he doesn’t really use it often so it looks very forced. “of course!”
mingyu notices it and lets out a snort, though he doesn’t ask minghao to stop petting him.
the following day, he’s dressed in a white hospital gown and surrounded by doctors, assistant nurses and not one face in the surgery room is one he recognizes. the white light that shines down on him harshly makes him squint until they inject him with anesthesia and some other drugs that make the harsh light disappear little by little.
before entering the surgery room, he makes sure to write his will. although it isn’t much since he doesn’t really have much belongings. so it’s more like a letter for everyone. his parents, aunt, mingyu and seokmin. his hands cramp a little but he forces himself to finish it no matter how messy his writing became.
he writes that he wants everyone to remember that he tried and tell him he did well. he doesn’t need to be recognized as a good and obedient son or a loving friend. ‘cause he knows he’s neither. and there isn’t really much he’s done with his life that he can be recognized for. instead, he wants to be told he did well. ‘cause he really did try to live, no matter how difficult he made it and it was.
remembering this, he imagines mingyu telling him those words and he feels warm where he petted his hair last night.
- a few months after -
seokmin’s obnoxiously late. he already imagines how his friend will look at him once he’s spotted among the crowd. but he can explain! he just had to get the perfect cake and the shop he usually buys the best cake from were out of stock of their decadent chocolate cake. he’s not even sure if he can bring this inside the venue without it being completely squished.
plus, there were probably a lot of other cakes already given to him. but if seokmin has to shove a single slice of this cake inside the other’s mouth by force, he will do it.
he’ll take his chances. it’s far too late to go back on it now.
once the cab stopped in front of the building, he paid for his fare and started sprinting towards the gymnasium. it was a fairly hot day in june and he wished he didn’t wear the tacky suit his mother forced him to wear.
once inside, everyone was already standing and clapping and he cursed inwardly as he ran towards his seat.
“you’re late,” mingyu greets, not even letting seokmin breathe.
seokmin attempts to clap while holding the cake, out of breath with his gaze focused on the stage. “i had to get the cake. sorry.”
there, minghao stands with the rest of the graduates for his year. he can tell it’s him because of the blonde hair peeking through his graduation cap. he was talking to the other graduates and smiling like he’s never seen before and it makes his heart swell with happiness.
once the rest of the formalities were done, they regroup outside of the gymnasium and take commemorative pictures. minghao’s mother is still crying while her husband is comforting her and minghao is comforting the both of them. he takes a few candid shots before shouting that they group together, mingyu included since he’s always been considered family. he is their designated photographer, and he tries his best not to accidentally press one of the many other buttons of minghao’s expensive camera. it takes longer than usual to take the pictures, but once he’s instructed on what he can’t and can press, it goes by smoothly enough.
“congratulations, hao! you finally graduated!” seokmin says once they’re finished taking pictures, giving his friend a hug.
“thanks,” minghao replies, smiling. “i heard from mingyu that you were late.”
seokmin laughs nervously, gesturing at the cake. “tada~ graduation gift!”
minghao shakes his head, pretending to be disappointed but he couldn’t stop smiling today. it’s kind of creepy, now that seokmin thinks about it. “it’s okay. you’re forgiven. you’ll be coming with us to dinner, right?”
mingyu appears beside minghao, nodding. “you’ll come right? i’m going to be helping auntie cook.”
the other nods, giving him a thumbs up. when mingyu and minghao’s mother team up in the kitchen, food tastes like magic. he surely will not miss this chance. “sure! i--”
“minghao!”
seokmin turns and sees a group of fellow graduates wave minghao over. they’re a bunch of attractive looking guys and he’s glad one of them is wearing a tacky suit because he doesn’t feel like he’s the only one. another one of them looks like a model with his well sculpted facial features and tall stature and there was even one who looked like a famous american actor he just couldn’t pinpoint the name of.
minghao grins, waving back. “come, guys, i’ll introduce you to the gang.”
the gang? seokmin thinks, a bit surprised. he looks over at mingyu who doesn’t even seemed that surprised. well duh. they tell each other every thing. i’m just a third wheel in this friendship.
once they meet the other group halfway. “guys! so this is jun. he’s chinese like i am and we had a few classes together. he’s older than us but he had to finish a class he failed so that was the class we shared,” minghao says, gesturing towards the modelesque guy who bows politely, smiling. “this is vernon. we're childhood friends though he's younger. he graduated early 'cause he's some sort of genius. not sure if that's true.” american actor dude. vernon. got it. he gives a smile and a bow as well. “and this is seungkwan. he hasn’t graduated yet but he’s in the student council so he helped organize everything.”
there was an exchange of names on their side as well and ‘nice to meet you’ before the group took pictures together. seokmin’s still in a state of culture shock with how minghao gets along with his little group of friends. the fact that he has a friend other than him and mingyu is still quite a shock and he voices this out when they’re on their way to minghao’s house.
“i thought i was a special case,” seokmin says, pretending to be hurt.
“well, you aren’t,” came minghao’s blow, a snicker following.
“uncle, could you please drop me off the bus station. i’m taking the cake home to eat it alone.”
a chorus of laughter fills the car and mingyu pats seokmin in the back.
“he might not say it but you’re special to him too,” mingyu says, laughing still. “but not as special as me, though.”
“that’s disgusting,” seokmin says, grimacing.
“isn’t he?” minghao chimes in, glaring at mingyu.
(though if one were to look past the “hostile” look, one could actually see the adoration behind the gaze.)
mingyu pouts, which makes seokmin gag beside him. “am i disgusting?”
minghao nods, grinning. “yeah, but--”
“wow! that’s my favorite song! could you turn up the volume, uncle?!”
minghao’s father glances through the rearview mirror to look at seokmin “why are you so loud for, seokmin?”
“right?” is mingyu and minghao’s unified response that wasn’t needed.
seokmin opens his mouth to say something but is meeted with his friends’ glare and he just sinks in his seat, mumbling things here and there. the two don’t notice him and instead link their fingers together, laughing at the whole situation but also their friend.
he forgives the abuse. just because he's happy that after the suffering, his closest friend is in love. he's no longer unsure of his feelings, asking seokmin for symptoms (minghao really likes this word, it seems) and all of that. he's figured it out for himself. seokmin closes his eyes and imagines the future for minghao since his friend still can't do this particular thing for himself yet.
he smiles because such a beautiful future is ahead of minghao.