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“Remember in our first year of training. I dared Connie to put on a shitty black wig and run around after hours, pretending to be you. The plan was that Shadis would spot him, think it was you, and you’d get into trouble. It turned out to be the worst prank ever though; Connie’s way too small to pass as you. It was obviously not you, and I and Connie were found out. Put on toilet duty. But in the end, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.”
Eren looks at him slowly, eyebrows quirking slightly at the tale. How many years ago was that, three? Four? Yet so much had been different back then. Thinking about that time was like looking through a smudged lens. It didn’t feel like his past, it felt like someone else’s; a different Eren Jaeger who, although still bore great pain and had blood on his hands, was still much more naïve and innocent than the boy he was today.
“I never heard that story before,” Eren says. His voice is somewhat subdued, straining to sound normal and under control (as if his heart isn’t thundering as loudly as titan footsteps). “Why are you telling me now?”
Jean’s face is an open book. He’s always been honest (too honest in some cases), he always lets everyone know exactly what he thinks. Not just through his words; every emotion is scrawled messily across his features, like a badly written book. Eren mightn’t have been the best at reading, but it isn’t very hard to read Jean.
Write now, Eren is able to conceal the doubt and fear behind his eyes, badly concealed. He can tell Jean is trying; trying to look like everything’s fine; nothing could go wrong with this mission. But this is the Survey Corps; usually anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Jean knows this; Eren knows they both know it. But for once, Jean is trying to bury what he’s feeling; he’s trying to bury any thoughts under a false, strained calmness. It’s not working, they both know that too.
“Because,” he says, with a roll of his eyes – a painfully normal gesture – “that’s exactly what this is like.”
Eren arches an eyebrow further. “You’ve lost me,” he says, deadpan.
Despite everything, Jean smiles a bit. “It’s all like a dumb prank, right?” he says, pulling at the synthetic dark hair on his head. “I’m trying to pose as you, even when it’s as clear as day that I’m not.”
“Yeah,” Eren says, “I don’t have a fucking horse face like you do.”
For a second, he sees a familiar quirk behind those amber eyes; somewhere between faint amusement and mild annoyance. It’s a look he’s been seeing a lot recently; now that they’re no longer at each other’s throats and are spending more time together. It paints the situation with a strange sense of normality. Eren’s not sure whether or not that’s a good thing.
“My point is,” Jean continues. “Is that even if I am caught out, it won’t be too bad.”
Eren says nothing, just looks down at where Jean is seated. Jean holds his gaze.
He’s gotten used to people risking their lives for him, but this…is different. First of all, because if anything happens to Jean, it’ll happen because Jean is acting as his double. These people are trying to capture Eren, so the plan is to offer Jean up as bait. And Armin too; that’s preying on his mind as well.
(But also, because it’s Jean. Eren doesn’t want Jean to die, doesn’t want it at all. But he tells himself he can’t show favor to anyone, he can’t say he’d rather someone to die in Jean’s place, so he ignores these thoughts.)
“Eren.” His voice pulls him out of his thoughts. “It’s worked before.” All he can do is nod; sure it worked the last time, but that’s not a guarantee for success this time around. The whole plan relied on so many different variables; one slip up and Jean and Armin could be murdered in cold blood by humans, or tortured, or worse.
“Just think of it like we’re back in training.” Jean’s voice trembles a tiny bit, and it only really hits Eren how scared he is. He doesn’t want to die; he never has. He’s still going through with this though, and not just because Captain Levi gave the order. “Think of it like a dumb prank.”
Eren looks down at Jean in silence. He’s still standing, while Jean is still sitting. They stay in silence for a moment, neither daring to break it. Seconds tick by, each one drawing closer to the time when they would have to set the plan in motion. Eren finally reaches over and grabs Jean by the collar, pulling him into some sort of hug.
It’s awkward; Jean is pulled forward while still sitting, so his head is buried in Eren’s chest, while Eren leans down slightly, curling protectively over the younger male. He can feel Jean’s hands trembling like his voice as he wraps them around his waist. They stay like that for a few minutes, neither moving nor saying anything. A dumb prank, Eren thinks. Even if he’s caught, it won’t be too bad. Not like the whole mission depends on it, or anything.
He takes a deep breath and lets go of him reluctantly when Sasha yells that it’s time to go.
“Make sure to come back, asshole,” he calls after Jean’s retreating back. He doesn’t respond.
Eren’s reminded once again of the lives they lead; there’s a chance Jean isn’t going to come back. Although unlikely, there’s a chance that none of Levi’s new squad will come back. No matter what they’re feeling, or hoping, or doing, soldiers are going to die. That’s the reality; offer up your hearts. In some (most) cases, it’s sign your own death certificate.
Eren sighs heavily. He’s going to be cooped up alone now, until the others get back. Useless (once again), unable to do anything to protect his comrades.
All he can do is hope they come back in one piece.