Chapter Text
Jeremy didn't think he was anyone who was extraordinary.
He got mediocre grades at school, his best being As. He was decent at singing and acting, but he wasn't exactly like Christine Canigula who excelled at any role she was given. He couldn't really write or draw, and his penmanship was messy at best.
He lived alone with his dad, who he hardly spoke to but got along with and he loved (not that he would ever tell his dad he loved him first). Jeremy guessed his mom fleeing in the middle of the day after dropping him off at school freshman year was an unusual thing. Most people didn't have mothers who abandoned them. Or dads who didn't put on pants.
But Jeremy had a few friends. He wasn't popular but he wasn't exactly a blimp either. Sometimes he burned “incense" in his room and he liked to play retro video games or just games in general. He liked comic books and was still slightly into Harry Potter despite recent misgivings about J.K. Rowling (yes, he was Slytherin, and yes he was aware some thought he was Hufflepuff but not all Slytherins are evil. They’re just ambitious). His favorite band was Jukebox the Ghost and like most teenagers, he’s been to a few concerts in his life. Also like most teenagers, he could drive but didn’t own a car of his own (there used to be two, his parents said he would get his mothers when he was old enough and his parents would share a car, but then his mother took it and drove off to New York).
So, Jeremy considered himself an average teenager. He definitely drank too much caffeine and was riddled with anxiety and depression but weren’t most teenagers? Jeremy just… was a little bit different.
Again, he was pretty normal. And like most seniors with senioritis, he had a bad habit of sleeping in past his alarm.
When his third alarm went off, Jeremy jumped out of bed and scrambled for his phone. His brain was still riddled with sleep but he tried to get himself started. Jeremy rushed to his bathroom, wincing at his reflection in the mirror and wondered if he had enough time to shower. When he decided that no, he didn’t, Jeremy just washed his face, used the bathroom, and brushed his teeth as fast as he could.
A loud knock on the bathroom door, “Coming in!” His dad essentially bellowed, turning the knob and entering the bathroom before Jeremy could spit out the toothpaste in his mouth.
“Dad!” Jeremy mumbled around his toothbrush. “P’ivacy?!”
His dad waved his hand, scratching at his beard before beginning to pee. Jeremy averted his eyes and stared at the sink. “We’re all men in the Heere house Jeremy. No need to pee so shy,” his dad chuckled, “Pee so shy. See what I did there?”
Jeremy nodded his head and finished brushing his teeth as fast as possible. “Yes, dad. Jesus Christ,” Jeremy mumbled to himself. “Just wait next time!” He yelled at his father as he left the bathroom in a flurry to get dressed.
“Hey! When you have to go, you have to go!” Jeremy’s dad yelled back at him. Jeremy groaned, feeling heat rise to his cheeks from embarrassment. Great. Another great start to the day.
Jeremy closed his bedroom door behind him, tilting his head back and letting it rest there for a moment as he tried to burn out the images he had seen. While he wished he could just curl up and hide in his bed, Jeremy knew that if he took too long to get ready then Chloe would get annoyed. Plus the faster he dressed, the sooner they all got bagels.
He spent a few more moments wondering what to wear, burning a hole in his closet before deciding on his standard jeans, t-shirt and decided to mix it up with a black hoodie and jacket as opposed to his blue cardigan. It was a cold fall, and his cardigan didn’t do much to keep him warm. His hair was gross so Jeremy was quick to shove his hair under a beanie and called it a day.
Once he felt just a bit more satisfactory in his appearance, he sat down in his chair and waited for one of his friends to text him. Jeremy glanced out his window, which was pointed to the front of his neighbor's yard. A truck pulled up, promoting a landscaping business.
He shifted in his chair a bit when he saw the driver. Jeremy scooted a bit closer to the window without thinking about it. He watched the driver exit the truck, continuing to watch him as he rounded it to pull out a leaf blower. Jeremy was unable to stop looking at his legs. His eyes briefly flickered to his face and the briefest thought ran through his head of kissing him. The man was definitely out of high school, and he had scruff on his face. But Jeremy still imagined feeling the strong jawline and cupping his cheeks in his hands. His face heated up again as he checked the landscaper out.
For a moment, Jeremy let himself indulge in the fantasy.
His phone began to ring, making him jump. Jeremy grabbed it, seeing Brooke’s smiling face on his screen before swiping and answering. “Hey!” Brooke’s voice was bright despite it being so early in the morning still. “We’re downstairs! Get down here so we can get some bagels and coffee,” Brooke told him. Jeremy could hear Chloe mumbling something in the background.
“Be right there,” Jeremy told her, hanging up the phone and grabbing his bag. He hurried out of his room and down the stairs. His dad was on the couch, a bowl of cereal next to him and his laptop on his lap. “Bye, dad!”
“Leaving already? I could have made you breakfast,” his dad turned around and looked at him.
Jeremy tugged on his shoes, hopping a bit to get them both on. “It’s fine. We’ll just get something on the way. Thanks though,” despite their morning he smiled at his dad, grabbing his house key and leaving.
Brooke was parked in the front of his house. Chloe was in the passenger seat and rolled down the window, “Hurry up, Heere! We still have to grab Canigula! Jake and Rich are already there!”
Jeremy rolled his eyes and climbed into the back of Brooke’s car (her car was originally her moms, but Brooke used to take it so much that Chloe’s mom just decided to buy another one and let her keep the older car). “Finally, you take so long,” Chloe sighed, flipping her hair before turning around. “How are you?” She asked, a smile betraying her tone.
“Good,” Jeremy nodded his head. Brooke began to drive and Chloe turned forward, messing with her phone. “How are you guys this morning?”
“Ugh,” Chloe groaned, “I’m definitely going to need Pinkberry after school.”
Brooke looked at Jeremy in the rearview mirror, “Fluffy almost got free this morning but we managed to catch him. So, I’m fine.” Fluffy was Brooke’s dog who had a penchant for getting free. Jeremy wondered why they didn’t fix the hole in Brooke’s fence.
They reached Christine’s house. Christine had been his best friend for fourteen years at that point, the two of them meeting when they were just in the second grade. Jeremy couldn’t imagine his life without the happy go-for-it person that Christine was. The bubbly girl was already outside and quickly ran up to the car. She slid in, buckling herself up. “Hey, guys!” Christine greeted them, her smile wide and bright. “Ready for some bagels?” She asked.
“Bagels!” Jeremy shouted.
“Bagels!” The three girls shouted in unison. Chloe turned up the radio, playing a song that Jeremy was sure he heard before.
The car was silent for a moment, Christine started to bob her head to the song, Brooke was mouthing the lyrics and Chloe had began to dance slightly in her seat. Jeremy was dancing too, the beat beginning to take hold. Plus there was an awesome trumpet part that was hard to deny. Christine began to sing along loudly, harmonizing.
Brooke joined in, and the excitement began to bubble up as the song persisted. Jeremy couldn’t resist bumping against to Christine when the song went into a breakdown, the trumpet blaring. “You’re literally just my type!” The four of them yelled in unison before the song slowed down to the end. Another moment of silence before Christine broke down into laughter, running her hands through her hair.
“God I miss the summer,” Brooke sighed, Chloe nodded her head.
“We need to go on a road trip this year,” she stated, scrolling through her phone again for another song.
“Where to?” Jeremy asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No destination!” Christine shouted out before Chloe could answer, “We just travel around the country like… like vagabonds. Getting into mischief and making memories before leaving for school.” Chloe had put on another song at that point, but Brooke was pulling into the Einstein Bagel shops parking lot. Jeremy spotted Jake’s car.
“We need to have someplace where we’ll end up in the end though,” Brooke said, parking. Chloe put sunglasses on and Christine shrugged, exiting the car with the rest of them.
“We can probably just see touristy places along the way. As long as we’re not late to our respective schools, right?” Christine stated. The four of them walked together into the bagel place. They had about thirty minutes until their school started. Thinking about college made Jeremy nauseous. He definitely didn’t have anything worth getting into college for. No special skills or talents and he didn’t even know what he would study. Jeremy applied to a lot of schools already, having just wanted to deal with early admit than wait forever, several of which being for theater-related careers. But truthfully, he doubted he had anything that would make schools even consider him.
Christine and Brooke were still discussing the logistics of a road trip while Jeremy just looked for Rich and Jake. He handed Christine his card when he spotted them, knowing she would go up with Brooke to grab bagels and coffee for themselves, him, and Chloe. Jeremy used to get too nervous to order and Christine used to do it for him. The two of them never broke out of the habit. Brooke and Chloe just tended to switch off on paying for each other.
Chloe interrupted Brooke and Christine for a moment, “Brooke, I want --”
Brooke rolled her eyes, “I already know what you want. Plain egg and cheese bagel and an iced coffee with soy milk in it.” She repeated to Chloe her order and for a moment Jeremy thought he saw the slightest hint of pink on Chloe's cheeks. Chloe just nodded and Brooke went up to the counter.
“Oh! Christine, can I get a caramel macchiato and just an asiago bagel with the maple cream cheese?” He told her his order when her attention wasn’t zeroed in on one thing.
“You got it!” Christine smiled at him, saluting before going to the counter with Brooke.
Jeremy and Chloe sat down with Jake and Rich. “Dude! What’s up? Did you hear about Madeline?” Rich instantly asked them.
“What did she do this time?” Chloe leaned forward, instantly interested in hearing anything about Madeline, Jake met his eyes and Jeremy understood that this was probably one of many times he had heard this gossip. Jeremy didn’t care about Madeline.
“She’s trying to get Mr. Reyes in trouble for putting on Cabaret this year,” Rich told her.
Jeremy suddenly cared about Madeline, “Why is she doing that?” Christine would be heartbroken if she managed to get it shut down. “I mean, people already auditioned and the roles were announced last night.” Jeremy somehow got the part of Herr Schultz (he didn’t know if it was because he was Jewish, or if he actually deserved the role).
“I think she’s just pissed off she didn’t get Sally Bowles and she’s just an ensemble member. Which is total bullshit because according to Jenna Rolan she’s trying to say that the show is “inappropriate” for a high school,” Rich said. Chloe nodded, taking the information seriously. After all, if Jenna Rolan said it then it was definitely true.
“Who’s saying what’s inappropriate?” Christine asked, handing Jeremy his coffee and bagel, somehow managing to hold her own stuff at the same time. She sat down next to him and he offered her a bite of his bagel, which she took and did the same with him.
Brooke sat down next to Chloe, who took her iced coffee immediately and sipped at it as if it held her life’s secrets.
“Apparently Madeline is trying to get Mr. Reyes in trouble for Cabaret,” Chloe filled her in before Rich could explain. Rich gave her a look, frowning a bit.
Christine gasped, “What? Why?” Her eyes went wide and she looked sad at the thought of it being canceled.
“Something about it being inappropriate which we all know is major BS,” Chloe took another sip of her coffee again. Her tone and demeanor made Jeremy wonder how they managed to become friends; it was through Brooke and he knew in another world that Chloe would never consider him, probably just think he was a fly on the wall to swat at. Brooke and Jeremy hadn’t been friends for much longer, but longer than he had been friends with Rich, Jake, and Chloe. The two of them worked on an English project together in the ninth grade and Brooke ended up talking to him constantly and then talking to Christine. Chloe was just a package deal with Brooke, the two girls had been friends for as long as Jeremy and Christine.
“She can’t make them cancel the show! This is my last show in high school!” Christine’s voice got whiny at the end, bringing him back to the present. Jeremy patted her shoulder in an attempt at reassurance.
“They won’t shut it down, Christine. The school let Shakespeare’s and zombies happen, I bet they’ll be okay with letting Cabaret happen. I mean, Principal Sawyer wouldn’t have approved the audition process if she wasn’t okay with it. Right?” Jeremy attempted to reassure her, looking at the rest.
Jake nodded in agreement, “Besides, they know that Madeline is just upset she’s not talented enough to be Sally Bowles.” He told Christine, whose face became slightly pink as she smiled. Jeremy thought that Christine liked Jake. Not that he could blame her if she did. Jake was textbook handsome. He had a winning smile and was great at everything he did, he was smart and funny. Jake and Chloe had dated for a moment before breaking up but they had all gotten used to him being around and he never left (even though they were one of many groups he hung out with).
Rich, like Chloe, sort of just came along with Jake. Not that Jeremy wouldn’t deny that having Rich around was anything less than entertaining (although Rich and Jeremy hadn’t gotten along at all until junior year, that was a story for a later date).
“You’re right,” she looked at Jake and Jeremy. Jeremy let his hand fall from her shoulder. “I’m so excited for rehearsal tonight!” Christine told them, beginning to go into a detailed explanation of how much musicals and theater meant to her and how sad she was to be leaving high school that summer.
Eventually, their conversation steered away from the school's theater and headed onto the actual things before ending up on the topic of school. Which was a topic that reminded them all that they needed to head to school. Jeremy went back into Brooke’s car, and somehow all of them ended up making it on time.
“I’ll see you guys at lunch!” Jeremy waved at the last bit of the group, Christine waved enthusiastically back at him.
He headed to his first class of the day, and then the next, and the next until it was their lunch period.
Lunch was where Jeremy’s group grew larger. He grabbed his lunch and headed to the usual table. When he was younger, he never dreamed that he would have so many people who considered him a friend, nonetheless called him a friend (he still didn’t think he should have so many friends).
Jenna Rolan was deep into telling a story to Chloe, who seemed bored but was definitely listening to every single word Jenna was saying, “So then Ms. McNamara just started to sob in the middle of the lecture because she started to think about her divorce and then she began to tell us the details of it. Her ex-husband sounds like a real piece of work but I really don’t understand why she’s so hung up over him.”
“Jenna, you’ve told this story like ten times already,” Michael Mell rolled his eyes and looked up at Jenna. “Hey Jeremy,” he nodded his head at him and Jeremy nodded back. Michael was someone Jeremy couldn’t figure out. He ended up doing tech for the play one year and ended up hanging out with them. He was closest to Jenna, who wasn’t very close to anyone at all (and who Chloe seemed to mildly tolerate at most). Still, everyone seemed to enjoy him and Jeremy wouldn’t deny that Michael was… something.
(He was undeniably handsome and funny, and smart and, yeah, he was a stoner but Jeremy didn’t care about that. It was 2018, who would care so much about weed? Michael was sort of quiet but when you actually talked to him and got to know him, Jeremy thought he was one of the funniest and interesting people he knew. He had dark, expressive, brown eyes hidden behind thick lens, dark hair, tanned skin with beauty marks randomly placed and constantly seemed to have a beat stuck in his head.)
“It’s an important story, Michael,” Jenna swatted at him and Michael stuck his tongue out at her. Jeremy wasn’t sure if they were just close friends or if they were dating. “The heartbreak of Ms. McNamara is the juiciest teacher gossip of the year.”
“It’s less exciting than when Mr. Kelly and Mr. Sweeney were rumored to be dating,” Chloe sighed.
“I still can’t believe the school let that happen. It’s weird to see them being all touchy-feely and stuff,” Rich said and Jeremy felt that nauseated feeling he got when thinking about the inevitability of his future.
“Dude, don’t be intolerant,” Jake scolded him.
“I like gay people,” Chloe said, brightly.
“I’m not being intolerant. I just don’t like thinking about my teachers boning,” Rich became defensive.
“That is a weird thought but why were you imagining Mr. Kelly and Mr. Sweeney naked to begin with, Rich?” Michael asked, “Do you have something to say? We’re all friendly and open here.” There was a smile on his face and Rich threw a goldfish at him. Michael laughed and Rich threw another, which landed in Michael’s mouth. Somehow, Michael didn’t choke.
“Oh guys don’t throw food again, I felt so bad for the janitor last time,” Christine told them, poking at her salad. “Jeremy, are you going to eat your bread?” She asked him and he shook his head, giving her the roll much to her joy.
“Plus last time I found like five popcorn pieces in my bra. How did they get into my bra, guys? You weren’t even throwing them at me. I was just sitting next to Michael,” Brooke piped up.
“Okay, but are we going to completely ignore the fact that Ms. McNamara is beginning to really go through it? Like she needs to have a hardcore feelings jam with Mr. Reyes or something,” Jenna interrupted what was going on.
“Oh speaking of Mr. Reyes, is there rehearsal today?” Jeremy asked.
Christine shook her head and Jeremy swore there was glitter on her cheekbones, “No. He apparently rescheduled the read through for tomorrow. Something about “eating too many Hot Pockets” and having to go home.” Well.
That sounded like Mr. Reyes.
“Oh, by the way, congrats on getting Sally, Christine. And nice job on getting Herr Schultz, Jeremy,” Michael told the two of them.
Christine preened, “Thank you!”
“Thanks,” Jeremy mumbled.
“I’m excited to play Sally with Jake as my handsome Cliff Bradshaw,” Christine gestured to Jake, who was in the middle of biting into the sad attempt at pizza from the school lunch line. Jake gave a thumbs up with his mouth stuffed full of food.
“Of course, how could I forget one of the main characters, nice job Jake,” Michael told him with a genuinely warm smile.
“He only got Cliff because he doesn’t sing that much in the show,” Rich joked.
“You’re not wrong, bro,” Jake nodded in agreeance.
“Who’s playing the Emcee again?” Brooke asked.
“That kid Squip, you know he wears like either a trench coat or a leather jacket. Super handsome but kind of a dick,” Jenna informed her. “Kinda looks like a young Keanu Reeves. Tried to sell Dustin Kropp oregano saying it was weed from his cousin in Colorado that one time.”
Squip, whose real name was Eric, was a transfer to their school that came in the middle of the first semester. Jeremy hadn’t had much interaction with him. Truthfully, he got a weird vibe from him.
“I haven’t seen him act at all. I wonder if the part is deserved,” Christine hummed, “I’m sure it is though! Mr. Reyes usually doesn’t cast without the parts being what they should be.”
“Do you guys ever think about that when you’re in the ocean you’re swimming in a giant cemetery?” Brooke asked, her nose buried in AP Biology textbook.
“What does that have to do with Bio, Brooke?” Chloe asked her. The table broke off into several different conversations then, Jeremy just listening in and not really saying much. His stomach was still in knots, but it wasn’t as bad as before and he was able to eat just fine.
The rest of the school day ended up being a blur. He went through the rest of his classes and got a ride home with Brooke as usual. As usual, he tried to give her gas money and she refused, and Jeremy gave up and just went inside his house, shedding his shoes and jacket.
His dad was in the kitchen. “Hey dad,” he greeted him. He sighed at his pantless form, “Did you even put on pants today?”
“Nope! No need to when I didn’t leave the house,” his dad told him before going back to humming and swinging his hips to “Love On Top” by Beyonce which was not really a song he wanted to see his dad shimmy around to while pantless. “Spaghetti and meatballs for dinner tonight, I tried to make some garlic bread too but I don’t know how it’ll turn out,” his dad told him.
Jeremy sighed a bit, “Thanks, dad.” His dad was trying in some way, at least. When his mother first left, they had eaten take out for a solid two months. Thankfully the local Chinese restaurant was already familiar with them.
His dad just nodded, continuing with his cooking-dance combination and Jeremy went up to his room.
He went face down into his bed, groaning and intending to avoid homework for as long as he was able to. Jeremy just wanted a few minutes of uninterrupted doing nothingness.
Like usual he didn’t get what he wanted. His phone began to ring and he picked it up without looking at the screen. “Hello?” He rolled onto his back.
“Jeremy!” Christine’s voice came from the other end. “Did you hear about the closeted gay kid at our school?”
“What?” Jeremy shot up, his beanie falling off of his head. His heart began to race in his chest and he suddenly felt like a caged bird.
“It’s all over that gossip blog that Jenna denies running. You know, Middleborough Highs Skeletons?” Jeremy always found the name weird but it was probably started up by some edgy freshman before his time. “Do you have your laptop? You need to read what he wrote.”
Jeremy stuck his phone between his shoulder and ear as he found his laptop. He immediately pulled up the Tumblr blog, jiggling his leg full of anxious energy. “Found it,” he told Christine. The post was blowing up, no doubt the whole school knew about it if they hadn’t read the post themselves already.
“What do you think? Do you think we know him?” Christine asked him, but it fell on deaf ears.
Jeremy was focused on the post.
You would think that most people would have no issue with coming as gay anymore. What with so many celebrities being out and the acceptance that seems to be spreading.
But as soon as I think about disclosing my secret, the secret of liking boys, of finding men beautiful and wanting to kiss them, I hear or see something that makes me want to shrink back and hide again. I feel like in one moment, I’m winning the game. I’m beating all of the enemies and gaining high scores. I’ve managed to outrun any beasts chasing me.
And then I get eaten whole again.
I want to be out, I want to tell my parents, siblings, and the rest of my family. I want my friends to know. But it’s still scary to finally step off the cliff and dive into the water.
Okay, I’m getting too poetic.
The point is. I want to be comfortable in expressing myself. In being who I really am (not that being gay changes my personality, I’ve always been gay, I just wanna kiss a boy and hold his hand in public). But the thought of letting people know makes me nervous, I know I’ll receive shit for it and it’s terrifying to think about being out and being proud of it. Especially in our school which seems so small and close-minded.
I’m probably just being dumb.
- Blinky
“Jeremy? Did you read it?” Christine attempted to get his attention.
“I have to go Christine.”
“Jeremy? Wait.”
“Sorry, dinner,” he cut her off, hanging up the phone as soon as possible.
Jeremy stared at his screen for what seemed like hours before nervously clicking on the email attached to the post.
He made sure to use an email no one knew about from middle school when he got a little too deep into Warriors.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey
Again he stared at his screen, staring at the blinking cursor that was there. Then, he began to type.
Dear Blinky,
I’m just like you. I have a secret too.
I guess it’s not a secret if I’m telling you.
To everyone else it is. See, I’m a perfectly average kid. I get average grades, I have friends who sometimes get on my nerves but I love them anyway. I’ve been best friends with one girl for years and we still haven’t outgrown each other, much to my surprise. I think we’re getting closer and closer with each addition to our little ragtag group.
I don’t know what I want to do when I’m older, or where I want to go to college.
Sometimes my dad annoys me. For a long time, we were awkward after my mom left us. But we try now, and I love him. Not that I would tell him without him saying it first.
There’s no reason for me to feel afraid, not when I have a close-knit community and only one parent to (potentially) disappoint.
Still, I don’t want people to know my secret. Maybe we can help each other? Finally, have someone to talk to about our shared secret.
Sincerely,
Jakku
Jeremy stared at the email for a long time. He hovered above the ‘send’ button for ages.
On an impulse, he pressed it. As soon as it was sent he freaked out, slamming his laptop closed and immediately pushing it under his blankets on the furthest corner of his bed. Oh god, what if he had just made a mistake? Blinky would never respond to him. Blinky probably just wanted to be left alone. Jeremy was trying too hard. What would Blinky want to do with him? What was he going to say in response?
Jeremy buried his face in his hands as he thought about it before standing from his bed. That’s it. He would just have to delete the account, he decided as he paced back and forth in his room, that way Blinky would never be able to reply to the email.
That was obviously the best course of action.
He nodded to himself. Yes. Rational, he decided as he went to terminate the account.
“Jeremy! Jeremiah! Dinner!” His dad hollered up from the living room before he could even grab his phone.
Jeremy stared at his phone for a moment like it was his enemy. “Jeremy!” His dad called again. “This garlic bread is amazing!”
He sighed heavily through his nose, “Coming, dad!” Jeremy called back, leaving his room and heading to the kitchen.
Watching what happened wouldn’t be a bad plan either, right? Jeremy wondered if meatballs could erase his possible mistake.