Chapter Text
“I loved a woman once.” Grace says out of the blue, making Frankie stop thinking about the circus that’s coming to town next week and concentrate on Grace’s words. They had been relaxing on the deck for what must have been nearly two hours without so much of a word. Just sitting peacefully, enjoying the birds playing on the beach in front of them.
“I know that- her name is This Woman Right Here but what’s with the past tense, lady?” Frankie jokes, opening one eye and turning to look at Grace, who continues to look straight ahead as if trying to see farther than the ocean can reach. She doesn’t say anything, which makes Frankie reach her arm out and poke her left shoulder.
“Hey. You know I’m listening. Tell me all your secrets Grace Hanson-Bergstein.”
Grace scoffs, “Oh god don’t tell me I have to take both of Roberts names now.”
“No just mine, in fact let’s drop the Hanson altogether. Better yet let’s drop both those names. They’re dead to us. Let’s create our own last name.”
“Name as in singular? As in the same last name?” Grace rolls her eyes but then smirks, as if it’s not actually the most ludicrous idea she’s ever heard.
“Calm down I’m not asking you to marry me- yet.” She says with a wink, “I just thought we remade our lives together why not remake our names together as well. At the very least we could pick ones for each other. But mine has to start with a B so I don’t have to change my autograph.”
“Yeah because I’m going to let the woman who named her children Nawbudake and Coyote choose my new name.”
“Hey now! I will not sit here and justify my name choosing methods for probably the 374th time to you Ms Grace Sabra.”
“Sabra?” She scoffs, “As in the hummus brand you eat instead of the ones from the farmers market you can’t seem to make yourself like?”
“Damn you for knowing me so well and damn those corporate brands filling what is supposed to be a natural food with so many delicious delicious chemicals.” Frankie almost gets caught up in her ongoing internal struggle about wanting to support local and fresh vs the superior tasting pre packaged, but not before remembering what started this conversation in the first place.
“Alright alright lets pop the new name train onto the back burner until I can whip out my spiritual name guide. I believe you were saying something? Something about love perhaps?” she says leaning back against the chair again.
She hears Grace sigh, as if debating whether or not she wants to go back after the much welcomed diversion.
“I, uh, I,” She starts, “Oh who knows, now you’ve got me thinking about hummus. I think we have some baby carrots left over. I could whip you up a nice snack if you’re hungry?” Her voice is off, as if she’s trying too hard to convince Frankie to drop it.
“Not a chance sister- you promised me a secret first. Then and only then may you make me a delicious snack platter.”
“I did no such thing.”
“Graaace.” Frankie whines.
“Oh fine. I was just, thinking. About Robert. And Sol I suppose. I was, uh, I was just wondering if it’s something that’s always there you know?”
“Being a lying bastard?”
“No, no. Being... gay. Having gay feelings I guess. I haven’t... I’m not ready to ask Robert more questions about it yet. I just wonder if one were to have loved one woman once, hypothetically, if... if that means they’re gay?” Grace starts picking at the side of her deck chair as she speaks and Frankie can feel the tension in Grace’s shoulders from two feet way.
“Oh?” Frankie asks, for once not knowing what to say, not wanting to say the wrong thing for fear of Grace shutting down. She closes her eyes; tries to be nonchalant, “You?”
“Well. I think, I think I loved a woman once.” Frankie hears the trepidation in Grace’s voice.
“No, I did. I did love a woman once. But I was young and so was she. It didn’t mean anything. I hadn’t thought about it in years. I hadn’t thought about her. That doesn’t mean I’m gay- I’m not saying I’m gay- I’m not gay. But if Sol can fall in love with only one man and still call himself gay then what does that mean?”
“Well for one thing that means Sol is a big ol’ bisexual who has been peer pressured by your gay square of an ex husband into thinking he has to be one or the other. Which, I will add, almost none of us are! Not even you Grace New Last Name To Be Determined Hanson.”
Frankie gives herself a mental pat on the back for keeping her voice so calm despite Grace’s confession. She ignores her heart beating rapidly against her breastbone and waits for Grace to speak next but Grace seems lost in thought. Frankie tries not to stare at her. Tries not to let her hand shake as she reaches out and stops Grace’s hand from peeling the paint off the armrest. She holds Grace’s wrist. She holds her own breath.
“Have you ever...?” Grace whispers.
“I’ve come close.” She replies and she wonders how it can be true and yet feel like such a lie at the same time. How it feels like Grace’s question is much bigger than itself.
“Yeah, well we all feel things sometimes. But we don’t go ruining our marriages over it for Christ’s sake.” Grace says with a slight laugh, trying to dismiss her confession, trying to lighten the mood. Before Frankie can speak Grace takes her arm back and clasps her hands together.
“Well! I think that’s enough fresh air for one night! What do you think? We’ve got to get an early start tomorrow!”
Frankie watches her get up, notices how high she’s holding her eyebrows- how high her voice is. Frankie knows she’s pretending this conversation never happened. Knows that Grace like lie in bed and hate herself for opening up.
“Hey Grace?”
“Mm?”
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had- and I’ve had a hell of a lot of em. I’m not one to believe in rankings but if I were, you’d be at the top”
Grace’s face relaxes, if only slightly. She grabs Frankie’s arms and pulls her up out of the chair. They head towards the house.
“Did you see the circus is coming to town? I imagine you’ll insist on dragging me along this year?” Grace asks, voice dripping with exaggerated dread.
Frankie laughs and links their arms together.