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Love, Beej

Dear Hawk,

Peg says she's tired of me moping and could I please write to you properly instead of sitting around the house looking like a kicked puppy - her words not mine. I'm sure I don't look anything like a puppy, but I have a feeling you will come down on her side.

I miss you. It's strange to be back home, but mostly good. Just confusing. There's really only one bad thing, but it's very bad, and that's not having you close by anymore. I keep expecting you to come in the door and crack a joke or pour a martini or look at me in that way you have that says you see me, and you care. God, Hawk, I miss you.

One thing I don't miss is the food. I'll never take fresh eggs for granted again. Have you had French toast at home, yet? I know you have your special recipe. That was the best meal I had the whole time in Korea, did I ever tell you that? Mostly because it was yours.

Peg offered to make French toast three mornings ago, but I told her no. It's not that I don't want to have it, it's that I know it will make me miss you more. Next time I see you, there will be a mountain of French toast and we'll eat it together.

I've gotten used to military censors, so forgive me that I don't quite know how to express myself here. I'm trying. I'll do better, I promise.

Love,
Beej

Beej,

Is it okay if I don't know how not to express myself? Will Peg get mad at me? Because once I start, I don't know if I'll be able to stop.

Yours always,
Hawk

Dear Hawkeye,

I know you're in love with my husband, I figured that out before he did. Please, for my sake, quit being paranoid, or the pair of you will give me grey hair.

I hope you'll come and visit soon, but in the meantime, write BJ and reassure him. I can't stand to see him all long-faced and miserable. Do it for us both, won't you darling?

Much love,
Peg

Dearest Beej,

Where did you find that woman and how on Earth did you convince her to marry you? I don't know whether to be scared or pleased or aroused... Am I allowed to say that about your wife? Don't worry, I promise I still love you best, and whatever effect Peg has on me, you have more. But she called me darling, and I'm only human.

While I'm on the subject, I do love you, by the way. Having gotten Peggy's blessing (most literally - I'm certain she's some kind of heavenly being), I shall be saying that as many times as I remember to in between breakfast food and admiration of your dear wife.

Regarding breakfast: I'll make you the biggest pile of French toast you've ever seen, Beej. I'll even feed it to you if you like. Enclosed is the recipe, which is the closest thing I have to a dowry and which you should keep in a safe place, possibly next to your wedding certificate. (I jest.) Eating my dad's famous French toast with you sounds like a wonderful idea (almost an impossible dream), but I want to make sure you can enjoy this divine concoction one day, whether I'm there with you or not. If you think it was good army style, just wait till you taste it made with fresh eggs.

Did I mention that I love you and miss you terribly and I'm climbing the walls about it? Because I do and I am. I love you more than French toast.

I'm still finding my feet helping out at Dad's practice. Some days are easier than others. My practical side (yes, I do have one, I know it's a shock) keeps telling me I should find surgical work, but I don't know if I can stomach cutting again, even if it's for routine operations with a fully stocked OR and a crack team at my elbow.

Dad has been wonderfully patient with me. He doesn't really understand, which is mostly a good thing - I would hate him to have to live with these memories - but sometimes it's hard to explain. I'm just grateful he's trying, and in the meantime treating cuts and broken bones and 'flu suits me just fine. I'm the fastest suture in the East, and Crabapple Cove scars will be the envy of all.

I will definitely come and visit as soon as I can. I can't wait to see you and to meet Peg. Please tell her I'm founding a new church in her honour, as it's clear to me she is at the very least a magical being, possibly an angel. I don't know why I ever doubted, since she's your wife and therefore must be marvellous, but I am overawed; however, it is encouraging to know she looks mercifully upon me, a poor sinner.

I can almost see you rolling your eyes. It's a wonderfully familiar image. I know, I'm ridiculous, but that can't be a surprise to you. I don't know how I ended up so lucky as to have you in my life, Beej, but I will always be so grateful you got assigned to my corner of the war. I'm sorry for it, too - it seems so unfair on Peg and Erin to be glad you spent so long away from them - but you are the one person I can be completely honest with. I hope Peg (and one day Erin) will feel the lives you saved (mine among them) were worth the pain.

I'm working today. I'd treat you to a long treatise on Maine lobster, but I'm not sure how I'd explain to Dad why I was so late. For now, I have to point out that I love you one more time (and all joking aside, so so much), and look forward to hearing from you again. Don't worry about the words. You can write me about medicine or housebuilding or the weather. As long as you write, I shan't mind at all.

Forever yours,
Hawk

PS: I absolutely know what Peg means when she compares you to a puppy, but for the record, it's adorable.

Dear Hawk,

I feel like I'm in the middle of a farce, passing messages between my wife and my... you. But I'm glad you like Peggy so much, and so far she likes you. (I don't know how long that will last when she meets you, though - now, don't do a sad face, Hawkeye, you know I'm joking. I like you quite a lot, after all.) I told her what you said and she laughed; I wish you could have been here to see it. Peggy laughing is one of the best things in my life (I missed her laughter in Korea the way I miss yours now), and to know it was because of you was beautiful. Yes, you are ridiculous, and it does me good to know that hasn't changed. (A puppy? Really? At least you mean it as a compliment, I suppose.)

I admit, I didn't tell her about the 'possibly aroused' bit. You'll laugh at me I'm sure, but I was too embarrassed. I don't know if I should be worried that you find letters from my wife so exciting or pleased that you claim you still love me best. I'm also a little distracted by the image, if I'm honest - do you know how frustrating you can be when you're thousands of miles away? Of course you do, you probably practise. Thank goodness we have Peg, or we'd probably drive each other to drink. (I know, it wouldn't be the first time. At least we'd have something better than battery acid.)

There's no need to feed me French toast, I promise I'm still very capable of feeding myself, though if you would come home here and make it for me, that would be wonderful. I still miss you very much, and letters aren't the same.

It's hard for me to balance the time I missed with Peg and Erin with all that happened in Korea. I didn't want to leave them, I don't want to leave them ever again, but whatever the war took from me, it gave me you, and I can't regret that. Trying to imagine my life without you in it hurts too much. Don't ask me to quantify it - it's just not possible. Asking me to weigh the time I lost with them against the time I spent with you is like asking me whether I would rather go without the right or the left side of my heart.

(Peggy has long since forgiven you (and me), by the way. Or rather, she doesn't think there's anything to forgive. All she says if I bring it up is that it wasn't our fault we were sent to Korea, and she's glad we found each other there and helped each other keep the war at arm's length.

She is amazing. I have no idea why she married me; maybe she took pity on me.)

I you Damn it. How do you make this all seem so easy, Hawk? I think all the time about seeing you, and I'm sure it will be just like old times except without the war and I will be able to but somehow it's hard to put things into words. Please know that I want this letter to be much more like the letters I used to send home to Peg, but I'm struggling. I guess I didn't have enough time to get used to all this - to us - before we got sent home.

I don't even know what to call you. I don't have the words, except to say you're mine (and I'm yours, did I say that already?) and I promise it will stay that way because I really - look, you must come and visit soon, I need to see you in person and hold you and I just need you, Hawk.

Come soon?

Love,
Beej

Dear Beej,

I love you too, you ninny. I've had a lot more practice pointing that out than you have, Beej. Every time I sang a love song in your vicinity or made some quip about not being able to live without you? Well, I wasn't kidding. (Hiding the truth with humour is my specialty, or didn't you notice?) Maybe you didn't realise at the time, but I've been telling you almost as long as I've known you. It gets easier.

I did sort of know you're mine, as well as Peggy's, but that doesn't mean it didn't put a smile on my face all day to see it in black and white. (It goes without saying that I am absolutely yours and have been from the start. I wasn't entirely joking when I said the recipe was my dowry.)

Honestly, Beej, I've been a bit scared. I wasn't sure if I was reading more into all of this than was really there, and I was terrified of hoping for too much, but now... now, if I could, I'd run all the way. I'll need a while to book tickets and make sure Dad is okay with me deserting him again, but I'll be there as soon as I can. I've gone without my heart for far too long. Is it ridiculous of me to keep pointing out that I love you? I don't really care if it is. I love you. I told you to write me about housebuilding and you write me this, and- Beej, I don't have the words for what I'm feeling, except to keep saying I love you.

Give Peggy a kiss from me, and have her give one to you. I didn't get to kiss you nearly as much as I wanted to, and I intend to make up for that as much and as often as she can spare you, and I should warn you both that I may accidentally kiss Peg for being so wonderful and being willing to share you with me. If she slaps me for it, I'll completely understand, but I couldn't help falling a little in love with her after all those wonderful letters she sent you in Korea (and because of how devoted you were to her), and after that note she sent me here in Maine, I may be a little besotted. I have a weakness for people who make my fondest dreams come true.

I promise I'm going to start planning my trip as soon as I sign off.

Love,
Your Hawk

Hawkeye darling,

Did you think it was only you who fell a little in love with someone for being so important to BJ? I may have been giving you too much credit all this time. I do hope you're just being modest.

Much love,
Peg

Darling Peg,

You are far too kind and shouldn't commit yourself until you've actually met me. I dare say your husband has told you how maddening I can be. Well, he wasn't exaggerating. (If anything, he was probably far kinder than I deserve, just like you are.)

All that said, I now want to kiss you almost as much as I want to kiss your husband, which is very much indeed. You continue to be some kind of miracle worker, possibly a goddess; I don't know how Beej found you, never mind convinced you to shackle your undoubtedly divine self to a mere mortal, but I'm terribly glad that he did.

Yours in reverent supplication,
Hawkeye

Dear Hawk,

I'm so sorry you felt that way - I wish I'd realised and managed to explain a little better how much you mean to me. I was scared too. I always knew you cared (even if it took me a long while to figure out how much) - it was my own feelings that frightened me. What a pair of fools we are.

This is short, because all I want to do is say please come, please come soon, and I promise I'll do everything in my power to make it up to you.

I'm going to get this in the mail as soon as possible. Come soon, Hawk.

Love,
Beej

Beej,

I have tickets. I have an itinerary. My hand is actually shaking - I hope you can read this. Arrival times enclosed. I can barely contain myself.

Did you kiss Peggy for me? Did she kiss you? I'm counting down till I can do the honours myself, but in the meantime, I'm trusting you both with this most important task.

All my love, all yours, always,
Hawk

Dear Hawk,

I kissed Peggy very thoroughly for you, and she kissed me back equally thoroughly on your behalf. I should warn you, I don't know how long I'll be able to keep myself in check when you get here. I don't suppose you'll mind, will you?

I am counting the days. And the hours. (I shan't admit to minutes.)

There's a strong probability I will entirely lose track of all the things I want to say, especially when you're here and I can see you and touch you, so in case I fail to tell you to your face: Hawk, I love you. I think maybe I always have, and I'm as sure as I can be that I always will. I'm sorry it took me so long to say it, rather than implying it and suggesting it and hinting it. It was emphatically not because I didn't want to or didn't feel it. If anything, I feel far too much, and wanted to tell you far too much, and was terrified.

But here it is, in black and white, and I mean it more sincerely and deeply than I know how to explain. I love you. I can't wait to see you. I'll be the tall guy sprinting towards you at full speed and trying to keep my displays of affection suitable for onlookers when I finally get hold of you.

So much love,
Your Beej