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DRACO
It was decent of you to come, Weasley, even if you did not respond to my owls.
HARRY
I told you we didn’t need Ron! What’s wrong with shopping for Hermione’s birthday gift with me?
DRACO, SNORTING
If you had to ask—
RON
That’s enough, lovebirds. Malfoy, your boyfriend here told me not to. And Harry, really? You’re the worst gift giver this side of the Wizarding World. At least this way ‘Mione gets a new, interesting gift, even if it’s from bloody Malfoy.
HARRY
Hey! What’s wrong with the books I gift her? She’s always loved those!
RON
Mate, the new editions of Hogwarts, A History yearly does not a gift make when she’s written almost half of the content anyway.
DRACO
Really, Potter? Hogwarts, A History? (SIGHS) Sometimes I really wonder why I decided to get in a relationship with you, much less be associated with you.
RON
His big dick, probably.
DRACO
Enormous dick.
HARRY
Kill me now.
DRACO
Fortunately for you, Weasley, I am an excellent gift giver. Now, I normally wouldn’t request your assistance on something like this, but I’m afraid I don’t know Granger enough besides the fact that she can be an insufferable know-it-all—
HARRY AND RON
Hey!
DRACO
I said she can be, not that she totally is one. Do you deny it?
RON
I’m starting to regret my decision to come here.
HARRY
Imagine my life every day.
DRACO
Hush. As I was saying, I don’t know Granger well enough to make an informed decision as to what would be a suitable gift for her thirtieth birthday. Surely this is a milestone year, and if my understanding of women is to be believed, they go positively, absolutely mad on these milestone years.
HARRY, MUMBLING
Your understanding of women is practically non-existent.
DRACO
What?
HARRY
I said, you could’ve just asked Ron what she wanted.
DRACO, GASPING
Sacrilege, Potter! The noble art of gift-giving hinges on the recipient’s personality, desires, and goals, not merely— (SCOFFS) wants!
HARRY, GROANING
Now I remember why I didn’t want to get Hermione’s gift with you.
DRACO
Nonsense! Granger will receive the best thirtieth birthday present, and Weasley will sing praises to our names for this!
HARRY
Just kill me already.
DRACO
Now, Weasley. I need you here mostly to tell me of Granger’s personality, desires, and goals. You needn’t stay for the actual purchasing of the gift—in fact I insist that you don’t—so you won’t accidentally spill the beans to your better half.
RON
I can keep a secret from her!
DRACO
Didn’t I just say better half? She will simply suss out that you have knowledge of a gift for her so great that she won’t be able to resist prying the information off you.
RON
Merlin, Malfoy, you’re such a tosser. Why didn’t you just ask Harry about all of these then?
DRACO
There are only so many times that I can take him saying “why not just get her a book?” before I get up and murder him. You really think I didn’t try?
HARRY
I’m right here!
RON, HUMMING
Fair point.
DRACO
…
RON
…
HARRY
…
DRACO, CLEARING THROAT
Weasley.
RON
Oh! Well, you’re right I suppose, ‘Mione does know a lot of things. But she’s really mostly practical, like she’d rather have things that she will certainly use, not just because it was pretty or expensive or anything.
DRACO, NODDING
All right, what else? Desires?
RON
Desires… well she wants to do a lot of things, always wants to be on top of everything, y’know? But I don’t think that’ll help with gifts… She’s not really into material things much, just that the things she wants are intangible, but something that she can control.
DRACO, NODDING
Good, good. Goals?
RON, LAUGHING
Well, she’s always complaining about how slow things are, so one of her goals is to streamline anything she touches. I guess there’s that.
DRACO, HUMMING
I see. So: practical, controllable, and less time consuming.
RON
Pretty much.
DRACO
Hmm.
RON
...
HARRY
...
DRACO
...
RON
...
HARRY
...
DRACO
Harry.
HARRY
What.
DRACO
Which one did you say was nicer again? Lubrico or Agualenis?
HARRY
Huh?
DRACO
Focus, Potter. Which is better, Lubrico or Agualenis?
HARRY, HUMMING
Well. Lubrico usually comes out thicker for me, but Agualenis is just too thin and watery so I go for Lubrico.
DRACO, SNORTING
You do get overexcited most times for you to get Lubrico right.
HARRY
Hey! I don’t hear you complaining when I do get overexcited! Besides, the Muggle ones are far more superior. They have flavours! The better choices would be Astroglide or KY.
DRACO
Potter, we’re wizards. Surely you know we’re able to modify spells? Even better, we can invent new ones. If you want, I can try doing a bit of tweaking on Lubrico to make it taste whatever you want for it to taste like. Yes, Granger might even appreciate that, if the spell were tailor fit for her...
RON
What is—
HARRY, ROLLING EYES
Oh please, like anybody would have time or the wits to throw such complicated spells by then. At least with the Muggle ones, you just pull it out from a drawer or something or do a simple Accio and voila!
DRACO
True. Still, it depends who casts it, and I’m sure Granger can do it easily.
RON
What are—
HARRY
Are you actually agreeing that Hermione is better at spell-casting than you in the heat of the moment? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve fucked up both Lubrico and Agualenis when you’re all... (SMIRKS) fucked up.
DRACO, SPLUTTERING
Why, I’ve never—
RON
Hey! Stop ignoring me!
HARRY, IGNORING RON
Besides, it’s not you who usually casts all those dumb spells, you make me do them more than half the time!
DRACO
Well, you’re the one who insists on not hurting me, so it makes sense for you to do them instead. I keep telling you, I can take whatever you... (SMIRKS) give me.
RON
Is this—
HARRY
At least the Muggle ones can change temperatures. You just blow or wait a couple of seconds then it goes from hot to cold to hot! Can you even imagine casting that and accidentally burning your balls?
RON
What!?!? Hermione doesn’t have balls!
DRACO, SNORTING
I should hope not. (ROLLS EYES) Fair point, Harry. Still, it seems rather gauche to give her something one could easily buy at a store. The personal touch really isn’t there.
HARRY
Hmm, yeah. Maybe a potion based on Muggle lube, then?
DRACO, SNORTING
You just want me to do all the work. That’s pretty Slytherin of you, love. I approve.
RON
L-lube...?
DRACO
Why, of course Weasley, what did you think we were talking about? I sincerely hope you keep your gob shut about this though because I will not hesitate to Obliviate you.
RON
Why do you even think gifting my wife lubricant would be a good idea? She doesn’t even have a bike, much less a car?
DRACO
...what?
HARRY, SNORTING
It’s not for a car, Ron.
RON
Then what—
DRACO
I have no idea what you buffoons are talking about. Weasley, lubricant hits all of what you just told me. It’s practical, it makes control easier, and it makes activities less tedious. The usual preparations do get tiresome when all you want to do is fuck.
RON
Are you... are you telling me that you have been talking about lubricant... f-for sex this whole time?!
DRACO, SIGHING DEEPLY
I have no idea why the likes of Granger and I allow ourselves to get penetrated by men whose brains are practically non-existent. We simply are too smart for this.
HARRY
Hey!
RON
How in the seven hells did you come up with this idea!?!? Are you fucking serious right now!?!?
HARRY, GLARING AT RON
I highly doubt Draco has sexual relations with my godfather.
DRACO, SCOWLING
Don’t be crass, Weasley, though I admit I wouldn’t say no to Cousin Sirius if he did ask.
HARRY, GLARING AT DRACO
Hey!
DRACO
Besides, I just told you why it would be the perfect gift. It fits all the requirements. It’s also something I can recreate for that personal touch, then just say on the card that Harry helped even though she’d probably figure out that he didn’t. It’s the thought that counts.
HARRY
I can actually—
DRACO
Hush, love. There’s no way in this green earth that I will let you near my potions lab.
HARRY, GRINNING
Not even if I’m... not actually there for potions making? How about love—
RON, GROANING
Kill me now.
DRACO
Now that would be a horrible gift for Granger. I’m sure she has... uses for you and would be ever so cross if you died, even if I cannot fathom as to why she would be, honestly.
HARRY, SNORTING
You’re such an arse.
DRACO, SMIRKING
You love me anyway
RON, MAKING DYING AND GAGGING NOISES
I curse the day I decided to be nice to you, ferret. Lubricant isn’t even a good gift!
DRACO
What are you talking about?
HARRY
Yeah mate, I think it’s nice and useful. Even if I’d rather tear my brain out than imagine you and Hermione have sex.
RON
You were literally just talking about boinking each other! In front of me! (GROANS) She doesn’t even need lube!
DRACO, GASPING
Are you saying you go into her... dry? What kind of barbaric—
RON
She’s able to self-lubricate, you homosexual nitwits!
DRACO AND HARRY
...what?
RON
She’s a woman!? Born with a vagina!? With a natural lubricating mechanism in her womanly, vagina-having body!
HARRY
But if you do it from the rear end? Butts don’t lubr—
RON
No, Harry! Hermione isn’t interested in sodomy! Not now, not ever!
DRACO
How do you even—
RON
I know! We’ve t— (GLARES) None of your arse-loving business, ferret!
DRACO
I do love arse.
HARRY, DREAMILY
He does.
RON, GURGLING FRUSTRATEDLY
I fucking hate you both! You’re not giving my wife lube and I’m never shopping for anything with you ever again! Weasley out!
(POPPING NOISE)
DRACO, HUFFING
Well. That was rude.
HARRY, CHUCKLING
You pissed him off.
DRACO
I was just telling him facts. He needn’t be so sensitive.
HARRY
I told you we could just shop by ourselves. What are we getting ‘Mione now?
DRACO
Who says we’re getting something different? Come now love, we’re going to the apothecary.
HARRY
I’ll just order some other book then, if she ends up hating your gift.
DRACO
She won’t.
HARRY
At least we’ll have more for our stash if she does send it back.
DRACO
Harry, I really doubt that she’d hate it. In any case I could always make more for… our own pleasure.
HARRY, BEAMING
Can you make it change temperatures too and taste like treacle tart?
DRACO, CHUCKLING
Your mind is so odd, love. Of course I can.
HARRY
Yessssss. To the apothecary we go!
Hermione liked her gift so much that she urged Draco to sell it. The book-shaped object that came with it remains unwrapped.
Draco did sell his concoction, but under a different name because no Malfoy will ever be associated to something as plebeian as sexual implements.
Ron begrudgingly sent a thank you card to Draco and became a regular buyer of Draco’s magical lube. He orders under a different name.
Harry continues to delight in the private and limited editions of Draco’s magical lube, ever thankful that his boyfriend is an amazing potions master, amongst other things.