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Isak shifted on to his side, but no matter what position he laid in, it was fucking uncomfortable. The past few weeks had been miserable and he still wasn’t sure how he’d been talked into the idea of a summer school. Sure, the workshops had been interesting and they would be beneficial to school but being apart from his friends and dumped with a whole bunch of nerds was not exactly how he’d imagined spending his holiday.
To top it all off, he’d returned to the cabin he shared with half a dozen of the other boys—damp from the eternal summer drizzle—to find there was a leak. A leak that was directly above his bed and now his mattress was soaked through. Naturally, there were no spare beds, Isak had instead been given a thin camping mattress told to sleep on the floor next to his empty bed, which did nothing to even out the wooden floor boards that rose and fell from years of wear and weather warp.
He sighed loudly into the dark. Someone on the other side of the cabin was snoring. Combining the cold and the floor and the sound effects, Isak didn’t think he was going to sleep well—if at all. Truth be told, he hadn’t slept all that well for most of the stay. He was used to being able to sleep through anything: loud music, alarms, lecturers yelling at him in the auditorium… but the way the boy in the next bed breathed bothered him. It bothered Isak for a reason he couldn’t fathom.
The boy had instantly gotten under Isak’s skin, it was probably his effortless way of being cool. He seemed to fit in with everyone so easily, and he would smile at anyone. Isak had thought—for a weird moment—that the smile had been different, unique when it was aimed at him on the first day. He’d frowned even harder when he realised it wasn't, the guy must be fake. He wasn’t sure why that got under his skin but it did. The boy had tried to talk to him a few times—like how he tried to speak to everyone —but Isak just shut down and turned away.
Usually, when he didn’t like somebody, he was always ready with a sharp comment, or some sarcastic remark. This was the first time Isak felt himself retreat within himself, close off and turn cold. Maybe he was jealous? That could be it, he could admit that to himself. The way his hair just seemed so perfectly styled, and his clothes would be thrown on but they all seemed to work somehow. But he didn’t feel that mean pinch that jealousy often inspired. He just went numb and felt uncomfortable, because the guy had really full lips and it was distracting when you were trying to not focus on another boy’s mouth. But maybe that irritation was fading now because—even though Isak could have sworn the boy’s breathing was getting more intense with each night—tonight it wasn’t bothering him. He couldn’t hear him breathe those deep, slow sounds.
Sighing, Isak turned over, at least that was one less thing keeping him awake. Now if he could just ignore everything else… his eyes stared at the ceiling for a heartbeat before suddenly realising a darker outline of someone's head was directly above him.
“ Fuck !” Isak whispered harshly, trying to shrink back onto the hardwood he was laying on.
Even snorted a laugh. He was hanging over the edge of his bed, peering down at Isak. Isak brought the covers up to his chin as if he needed to defend himself.
“ Sorry .” Even whispered, hesitating a moment before he went on, “The offer is still open.”
Isak snorted. What sort of shit was that? The boy had asked if he wanted to share his bed what was probably at least an hour ago. He hadn’t shared a bed in… well, since he was a kid. No fucking way.
“I’m fine.” he grumbled back.
“You don't sound fine.” The entertained tone that Isak could all but taste in Even’s voice made him bristle.
“Well, I am.” What sort of come back was that? Isak knew he could do better.
“I can’t sleep ‘cos all I can hear is you, tossing and turning. And huffing.”
Isak snorted his own laugh of disbelief. “Well I’m sorry my discomfort is keeping you up.”
“So you are uncomfortable.”
“No!”
“And stubborn.”
Isak huffed. He had nothing. “Just... go to sleep.” he snapped, turning his back on the boy. He heard Even settle back into the mattress before Isak sighed something that might have been relief. Or disappointment. He frowned at himself, why would he be disappointed? But his thoughts were disrupted when something soft landed on him.
“What the fuck?” his voice came out muffled by the material now blanketing him.
“You can lay on it, maybe it’ll be more comfortable.”
“But it’s your blanket.” Isak could imagine—in fine detail—Even shrugging his shoulders, despite not being able to see him from where he was lying.
“I’ll be fine.” he said. And not even stoically, like it was nothing. Even only slept in shorts and a t-shirt at night, not that Isak had been looking. The days were warm enough but the temperature in the evenings dropped, you needed blankets to be comfortable. Even wouldn’t sleep without it.
“So, now I’ll be awake listening to you toss and turn?”
“Aw, Isak, I didn’t know you cared.” Even snickered. Isak rolled his eyes. Did that mean Even cared that he’d been tossing and turning? And, if he did, what did that actually mean?
“No, I just—” he had nothing. Again. Turning, he grabbed the covers and tried to make a more comfortable nest to sleep on. He could feel his cheeks heating as he worked, shame began to creep up on him for taking the covers; Isak couldn’t let Even sleep without one. He grunted in defeat and sat up, scrubbing at his face. “OK, fine. Fine .”
“Fine?”
“I’ll... you know. Come up there.”
“No, I said I’ll be alright. I can always wear a sweater if it’s cold.” There was no challenge in Even’s voice, he was just stating a fact. He would be perfectly happy without a cover and just extra clothing.
“Such a martyr.” Isak replied under his breath, shifting up and grabbing both covers. “Move up.”
“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable.” Could he be anymore … nice ?
“Uncomfortable? It’s just sharing a bed.”
“That’s what I thought until you made such a big deal about it.” Isak threw the covers over Even’s face as the boy tried not to laugh.
“I did not.”
“Sure.”
“ Sure?” Isak repeated, sounding harassed as he eased into the space next to Even, throwing his pillow down at the same end as the other boy’s feet. What did he mean? Isak hadn’t made a big deal of anything.
“Yeah, you’re probably just sunburnt. It looked like you were blushing.”
“It wasn’t even sunny-” Isak stopped there, realising he was about to ruin the cover story that Even had make up for him. Why would Even make an excuse for him? And why had he been so flustered in the first place? “well, I’m sure it was probably from yesterday.” It’d been sunny yesterday, he was sure of it. Even simply hummed in agreement, not poking at the subject any longer.
Isak nuzzled into the pillow and pulled the cover over himself, sighing at the relief a soft mattress brought. But then he was staring straight at Even’s feet. They were long and kind of elegant and Isak decided instantly that this was a very weird trail of thought. It felt… intimate . Was Even staring at his feet?
“Your feet are cute. You have hair on your toes.”
Isak pulled his feet under the covers so fast that he kneed Even somewhere he didn't want to think abou. A muffled groan came from the mound next to him.
“Why are you looking at my feet?” Isak asked sharply.
“They were right in front of my face.” Even’s voice was softened by the pillow, half laughing and half wincing. Isak had been looking at his feet, so it wasn’t all that weird. Maybe he’d overreacted. His feet were cute?
“Sorry-I didn’t mean to… it was an accident.” Isak stammered, sitting up and looking over the landscape of blankets to the other end of the bed.
“It’s ok,” Even reassured, rolling onto his back. “If I’d known you were touchy about your feet-”
“I’m not.” Isak said, perhaps a little too defensive, “They’re just not hairy.” he added, hearing the pout in his own voice. Surprisingly, he relaxed when Even laughed.
“I didn’t say hairy. You just have hair on your toes. It’s cute.”
“Well,” and what did he say to that? He didn’t think anyone had said any part of him was cute before. “thanks.” he muttered, trying to get comfortable again.
“You’re welcome.”
Isak decided that this was the oddest exchange he’d ever had as he relaxed his head back down onto the pillow—the pillow which was no longer there.
“ Fuck .”
“What’s wrong?” Isak frowned at the dark shape that suddenly materialized, Even had pushed himself up from the bed almost instantly.
“It’s nothing,” he huffed, turning onto his stomach to fish around on the floor for the missing pillow, “my pillow fell off the bed.”
“That happens; no headboard.”
“Well thanks , genius.”
Even snorted. “From what I hear you’re the brains.”
Isak froze, one hand on the pillow. What had he heard? Had Even asked about him? Hauling himself back onto the bed, Isak sat up. “From what you’ve heard?”
“It’s a small cabin.”
“Oh.” So just in passing. Why was he disappointed?
“Seeing as you’re touchy about your feet and you’ll probably keep losing your pillow otherwise, you could just lay this end. Back to back.”
Isak frowned. There was nothing wrong with that, it made more sense. At least he wouldn’t have to look at Even’s feet that way. “OK.” he could see the logic in the idea, but his stomach danced with nerves. Shaking his head he dismissed the thought, it was late and he was tired. That was it.
“OK.” Even seemed pleased, surprised perhaps, that Isak had agreed so quickly.
Chucking the pillow at the other end, Isak shifted around until he was on his side and looking away from Even. He felt the other boy move around to mirror his pose. When they were still, Isak could feel the heat of Even’s body; they were almost touching and that thought was alarming. Suddenly, this all seemed like a pretty stupid idea. What was he scared of?
“You know,” Even cut through the relative quiet with his whisper, “this feels weird. I’m used to sleeping the other direction.”
“Huh?” Isak replied, furrowing his brow. Now he thought about it, he’d been sleeping most comfortably facing the other way. They’d been sleeping facing each other these past weeks. Maybe that’s why the breathing had bothered him so much. “Um, do you want to swap?”
Even huffed a laugh. “I’ll be fine.”
“You sure? I don’t mind.”
“It’s cool. But thanks.”
Isak chewed his lip. “Well if you’re more comfortable on your other side, just turn.”
There was a moment pause before Even shifted, turning to face the other way—to face Isak. And just like that, Isak knew this was a bad fucking idea. Instantly, he couldn’t think and he couldn’t breathe, his palms were damp with sweat and his heart was beating so fast he was sure Even would be able to feel it. He’d never felt so aware of someone else in his entire life and, as Even’s breath stirred the hair at the nape of Isak’s neck, the only thought that passed through his head was whether Even’s eyes were wide open like his were. He knew he should have stayed on the floor, but now he was here, Isak couldn’t move. And, strangely, he didn’t want to move.
Perhaps it was the way he tensed, or the way he was breathing, or his silence, but Even must have felt something was different. Isak felt as he lifted his head from the pillow.
“You OK?”
Isak could taste his concern, he was so close. “I’m fine .” he said, irritably.
“I don’t think you are-” Even reached out towards him and Isak lashed out on instinct, he wasn’t sure what would happen if Even actually touched him right now.
“Why are you being nice to me?” he shot the words over his shoulder like venom. Even shrunk back from him.
“Because I like you.” he didn’t say it defensively, there was a playfulness in Even’s tone that hinted he felt he was stating the obvious. Almost teasingly.
Because he liked him? What was there to like? Isak had been nothing short of an asshole. “You like everyone .” The words were heavy with accusation and Isak frowned at that. Why should that be a problem?
“Is that what you think?”
Isak grunted, of course that’s what he thought because it was true. Turning to face Even, he was going to tell him just that. Isak resisted the urge to flinch back away from the other boy’s face which was frighteningly close to his own now. He opened his mouth and stuttered out something incoherent at first as Even’s mouth spread into a pleased grin. “You do like everyone, you talk to everyone and smile at everyone.” Isak stated it like it was the crime of the century. “Besides, why would you like me? I’m grumpy and I’m rude. You must be... insane if you like me.”
Even’s smiled never faded. “It’s customary to be polite to people, Isak. Talk, smile,” he raised his eyebrows, “you know. Or maybe you don’t—most of us aren’t cute enough to get away with being grumpy most of the time.” and there was that easy laugh again.
Isak frowned in response, not knowing which point to tackle first. He was not grumpy most of the time. And he was cute now? Not just his feet? “I’m not grumpy most of the time. I just like my space, that’s all.” He’d just been describing himself as grumpy and rude, but now Even had said it, he felt the need to defend himself.
“I figured.”
“You did?”
“Uh-huh. And I don’t think you’re rude. Actually, you’re pretty caring without even knowing it: holding open doors, sharing notes, helping to clean up after meals…,” he trailed off, but it felt like he was counting off evidence from a list and there was more but he chose to stop.
Isak swallowed. It should feel weird, someone noticing his quiet actions, those he felt were necessary but that he didn’t want to be recognised for. That Even had seen him— watched him, should feel invasive, but all he felt was a tangle of emotion close to the surface of his skin, building in his throat. His stomach was dancing again, like he’d swallowed a kaleidoscope of butterflies. The only time he had felt anything similar was with his best friend, but he figured everyone got confused with how they felt about someone that was so close to them. Didn't they? But Even wasn’t a close friend, and this wasn’t really comparable. This was a different level of sensation entirely, this is what he imagined he should feel like with girls but never had. Did he like Even? Was that why he bothered Isak so much?
Isak was suddenly keenly aware of how close they were again, his eyes kept returning to Even’s lips and he couldn’t stop himself from wondering how they would feel against his own. The dark room was a welcome relief because it hid the heat that burnt in his cheeks. There was no disguising that as sunburn now. He hugged the covers tighter around his body too, there was no other way of hiding other reactions his body was experiencing. The question of whether he liked Even had been answered.
A long silence stretched out and Isak began to feel increasingly naive or just plain stupid for not realising what this was. What this meant. What did he do now? He returned to the notion that he should probably get out of the bed and lay on the floor before he made a fool of himself. But he couldn't move.
Huffing indignantly at nothing at all, Isak tried to find something to be disagreeable over. “Anyway, I’m not cute.”
“Ok, good looking then.”
Isak snorted in disagreement. “You’re better looking than me, so that’s bullshit. You could get away with being grumpy, or rude.” he wasn’t sure now what point he was trying to make, he simply felt the need to keep talking in case he decided to do something else with his mouth.
Even’s face softened and Isak conceded that he was ridiculously attractive. And he thought Isak was good looking?
“You think I’m good looking?” Even asked beaming, skipping past the point of Isak’s statement and straight to the truth beneath the words.
Isak rolled his eyes. “I meant—I said, better than me. Which isn’t much.”
“I disagree.”
“Oh?” Isak just stared at the other boy’s grin, despite himself he couldn’t help the smile that curved his own lips. Bashful was not a quality that Isak could remember ever experiencing. He pushed his face into the pillow and closed his eyes, everything was just too much. Too overwhelming. And yet he didn’t want to be anywhere else but here.
“I haven’t seen that smile since the first day.”
Isak’s eyes opened so that he could level a confused look at Even. “What do you mean?” Isak stammered but his lungs froze on the last word as Even’s hand moved towards his face, a finger traced a gentle line down Isak’s cheek, following the crease that was carved by the smile. And just like that the touch was gone and Isak could breathe again, air rushed out of him like a gale but his skin was on fire where Even had been. His body felt ice-cold in comparison to the heat generated by that single finger tip.
At first, Isak assumed Even was being polite in ignoring the obvious response he was creating by doing next to nothing at all. But then he noticed that Even had held his breath too, and—when his gaze ran along the exposed skin of the other boy’s neck—Isak could see his vein ticking with a vibrant pulse. So he wasn’t alone in whatever this was?
“When I arrived on the first day, you were already here. Sat there on your bed. I noticed you straight away and you gave me that smile when I smiled at you. Then I was ambushed and by the time I made it over to you, you wouldn’t look at me.” he shrugged. “I tried to talk to you everyday since but—like I said— stubborn .” Even exhaled, it was almost another laugh but the heaviness of the moment was affecting him too.
Isak’s mouth went dry. That wasn’t how it’d been, had it? “That’s not how it was.”
“No?”
“No. You walked in and I saw you and I thought-” what had he thought? He hadn’t thought much, he just couldn’t look away. And then Even had looked back and he still couldn’t look away. Isak thought the smile was an understanding; an instant comradery that he didn’t understand at that point. But when he saw that smile directed at others, there was a feeling of betrayal that he couldn’t escape, which was irrational. He had felt vulnerable and Isak had resented that. It wasn’t a thought, it was a feeling. “I felt… I just felt something.”
“I know.” Even said, a candid statement which seemed to imply he understood things Isak did not, or hadn’t until this point at least. And, for whatever reason, Isak seemed to trust that confidence.
“So,” Isak began, licking his lips, Where did they go from here?
“So?” Even grinned back, intent on whatever Isak would find to say next.
Words and sentences seemed to float through his mind but none made it past his throat. Perhaps avoidance was the best thing, maybe if Isak suggested they get some rest this whole thing would be forgotten. Old news. He doubted his assessment as soon as it was made but Even seemed to anticipate where Isak’s thoughts were heading, and he opened his mouth to speak just before Isak got the chance.
“Have you ever kissed anyone?”
Isak blinked in surprise. “ What ?” he spluttered.
Even tilted his head, that knowing smile played on his lips while he quirked his eyebrows in a way that Isak found uncomfortable. Well, he had found it uncomfortable, now he realised that was because the gesture was hot as hell.
“Have you kissed anyone before?”
Isak shook his head in disbelief. “I don’t see what that has to do with any-”
“So, that’s a no?”
Isak snorted, intending to deny the claim. But he found he didn’t want to lie. “I just never found anyone interesting enough.”
“Is that still the case?”
“Yes.” Ok, maybe he could still lie a little.
Even just laughed softly. “You’re a terrible liar.”
Isak tried on his best affronted expression but he couldn’t stop the smile that pulled at the corners of his mouth. “I am not. Besides, kissing is no big deal. It’s juvenile.” Isak tried to steer the focus from his lie but the truth was kissing had become a big deal. It was something he’d come to associate with shame because the only people he’d wanted to kiss were people he wasn’t supposed to feel that way about. So, he’d avoided any situations where it might come up. But here he was, laying next to someone he couldn’t stop thinking about kissing and who might want to kiss him back. Did Even want to kiss him? But why else would he bring this up?
Even just looked at him with that knowing look on his face. “Juvenile?”
“Yup.”
“No big deal?”
Isak sighed, feigning exasperation. “ Yes !”
“Well, I guess you’re right, seeing as you’re the expert. With all that kissing experience and everything.” he was laughing again.
All he could do was huff the affrontation which was now genuine. He had no come back, again . Isak was usually so good at turning the tables on people that were poking fun at him, but right now his words were nowhere to be found. He only had his actions to fall back on which, he realised, might work better than anything he could say. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen besides them both ignoring the other for the remaining weeks of camp?
It was far from perfect, far from what Isak had ever imagined. He lurched forward, hapahazaedly pushing his mouth against Even’s. The laughter was replaced by a snort of surprise, which was worth it alone. But he didn’t quite know how to angle his head, or what to do past their mouths meeting. So, it ended up a nose bumping, half cheek experience before Isak swiftly pulled back. It was no big deal.
Settling his head back on the pillow, Isak kept his expression as stoic as possible despite the laughter that wanted to break free of his chest when Even remained frozen in shock.
“See,” he shrugged, “no big deal.”
Even recovered fast at those words, a smirk curving his mouth. It dawned on Isak he may have bitten off more than he could chew with his brazen show. Somehow he knew that Even wasn’t one to back down from a challenge. Well, fuck .
“You call that a kiss?”
“Technically it was a kiss.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.” But Isak was far from sure of himself, especially as Even began to move towards him.
“I’ll show you my version.” Even murmured as he closed the distance between their mouths. Isak wanted to die when a helpless whimper escaped him, it made Even’s grin widen. And then a hand was on his cheek, tilting his head gently as Even’s thumb pulled at the corner of Isak’s mouth, parting his lips before the kiss was placed. Isak realised his eyes were closed and his fingers were splayed on Even’s chest. Not to halt him, Isak simply didn’t know what else to do with his hands.
It seemed an endless wait before Even’s mouth nudged against his, a tender motion that caused Isak’s head to relax further into the pillow and his jaw to widen. Even’s lips were soft and on his, his body was over Isak’s. There was no pressure, he didn’t feel trapped, if anything Isak wanted to feel his body press firmer to him. But any thoughts of proximity disintegrated as Even’s tongue pushed past his lips, sliding slowly alongside Isak’s.
This. This was what he had imagined it would be like. His head began to spin as his body melted beneath Even, breath rushing from his nose as the kiss deepened. The hand was still cupping his face, the pad of Even’s thumb stroked over his cheek, sending an electric charge skittering across Isak’s skin. Those charges seemed to set off a chain reaction, he could sense vivid phantom touches where he imagined Even’s hands would feel good on him. This felt better than good, this felt right and Isak wondered why the hell he’d avoided Even for so long. They could have been doing this the whole time, maybe more…
Even pulled back and Isak attempted to recover, proud that he had maintained a shred of conscious thought. Assuming the kiss was finished, Isak opened his eyes in time to see Even descend on him again, his nose sliding alongside Isak’s and switching the way their heads tilted. And then their mouths were one again, it was firmer now and more desperate and Isak couldn’t stop the soft moan, slipping from his throat.
Isak realised his fingers had a death grip on Even’s t-shirt, the material bunched in his fists at the other boy’s shoulders. Releasing his hold, he hesitated for a moment before a moan answered his own and urged him on. Fingers ghosted tentatively up Even’s neck, he’d never touched anyone like this before, not with intent. Even’s heart pounded just as wildly as Isak’s, and then he was combing through hair that was as soft as he’d imagined it would be.
Need welled up in Isak, to match the passion driving the intense kiss. His fingers tightened in Even’s hair, pulling him harder against Isak whilst daring to push his tongue back into the mouth covering his. Even’s body edged over his, one leg sliding between Isak’s. The blankets were still between them, which was lucky because there would certainly be no denying the effect Even had on him if that defence was removed. His hand moved down Isak’s neck, fingers dancing over vein and bone and tracing the collar of Isak’s t-shirt before hesitating where the covers began—pulled tight around Isak’s torso—then it laid still.
Their lips parted as Even rested his forehead against Isak’s, breath coming hard and heavy between them.
“Sorry,” he whispered against Isak’s lips, “I’d been thinking about doing that for a while.”
He had? How long? Isak intended to ask out loud but his brain wasn’t engaging with his tongue. Lips tingling, all he was truly focusing on was Even’s mouth and whether he could taste him again. Suddenly the smile that Even wore wasn’t knowing or cocky, it was fond. He was enjoying the emotion’s that were unfolding inside of Isak, and had been revealing themselves in his actions and expressions and words. The tip of his nose nudged against Isak’s, as he lay still and speechless.
“So,” he grinned, “no big deal?”
Isak huffed, the tease stirring his ability to retort. “I’m a scientist. It would be irresponsible to come to a conclusion after one test study.” his fingers were still tangled in Even’s hair, should he let go? He didn’t want to. He wanted to stay just like this.
As if Even could read his mind, he reached up to brush a curl back from Isak’s forehead, before slowly carding through his hair. It didn’t seem Even wanted to move either. “In that case, I’ll sacrifice myself and be your test subject.”
“Such a martyr.” he’d said the same thing earlier, but there was a complete change in Isak’s tone and meaning now.
“For science.”
“For science.” Isak agreed through a soft laugh, it quieted as Even’s mouth neared his own but it was a light kiss that graced Isak’s lips, and then another at the corner of his mouth before Even moved back, looking down on Isak’s face and seeming to be absorbed with what he was seeing. Soft or passionate, Isak’s heart skipped a beat when they kissed.
“I like it when you laugh. And smile.”
“Both those things are rare so make the most of them.” Isak resisted the urge to lean into the palm that resisted on his cheek. Even felt natural against him, something both comfortable and exhilaratingly new; a whirlwind of contrast that was quickly sweeping Isak away.
“That’s what I thought but you haven’t stopped smiling the last few minutes.”
Isak tried to scowl but it was no good, his body wasn’t listening to a thing his brain was telling it. “Well, don’t go telling people. I have a reputation to upkeep.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it. Besides, I like that you’re my secret smile.”