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I pull the collar of my coat around my face and push my hands into my pockets, pressing them against my body. It’s a different kind of cold tonight, it’s the type which belongs to indecision when indecision is a foreign thing inside me. It’s the type of cold only a warm shower can rectify. It set in like a winter hours ago when I called her, but still I shake my head as I leave the building. I tell Thomas I will walk because I’m probably going to walk to her and I need more time before I raise my hand to knock on her door.
Everything will be decided once I see her.
These past months have taught me more about the human brain than any study. There is nothing one could Google, nothing one could put under a microscope in a lab which could explain this feeling. It’s bigger than science somehow and I’ll write about it one day when I’ve ironed out the mess. People will laud it as a breakthrough and ask me how I came to know and I’ll have a decision to make that day, too, because the truth will be simple. I fell in love.
I stopped counting the blocks a while back. My feet know the way there like the way you drive home from a late shift at night abiding the road rules unconsciously, like you slide into bed, body wracked by exhaustion and wonder for a single moment how you got there.
I wonder how I got here.
My walk still has time to it, but I wonder how I got to be in this space, the one which connects my head and my heart like it never has before. I’ve managed to keep the two separate for so long. There was heart stuff. There was head stuff. And now I can’t switch off the connection, and there is something like pain in the space in between. I wonder how I became someone kept awake by dreams. No pill knocks me out enough that I can’t feel her when I sleep. Golden blonde hair. That smile which changes the shape of her face. I fear it’s changed the shape of mine forever.
Each of these blocks is like walking on a treadmill. This time of night the facades around me all blur into one and my feet keep tracking forward, I can hear my heels drumming out a consistent rhythm against the pavement, it sets the beat for the soundtrack of late night traffic and still I feel as though I’m not making ground.
I could blame her eyes, you know. I could blame the cliché that when she looked at me that day outside my building, just in passing, I was frozen to the spot. I went to speak to her, to say hello or something which resembled a greeting and my mouth opened. That’s all it did. I was fixated on her eyes. Who looks at someone from prisms of blue and expects anything from them, after all? Surely she’s left people speechless in her past. Whose eyes are cut from precious stones? How anyone ever sat across from her to eat dinner and still manage their meal, I’ll never know. Whose eyes refract the light like that? Maybe everyone falls in love like this. Maybe no single part of this is new, but it felt like discovering the secrets of time itself when I spent time with her. That’s what we’ll call it for now. Spending time.
The faces of the people I pass are set in harsh stares much like mine, eyebrows knitting together, and I wonder if theirs are so because of the cold. Maybe they too are in love with a girl and have no idea if she feels the same. Maybe they too know they are doomed because to take pieces of your head and heart and hand them over to someone else is a risk like no other.
I take risks every day. I weigh up decisions which have monumental consequences, but her apartment is only a block away and my feet are slowing all on their own and the part of me that knows I should keep the content of my head and my heart to myself is fighting to turn back. But I don’t live anywhere near here.
I knock despite knowing she heard me coming; can see who I am through the wooden door. I don’t need powers to sense her hesitation on the other side. I invited myself here, after all.
The door clicks a moment before the light from inside spills put into the corridor, and my heart picks up as it did when I decided to take the stairs, take them one at a time to postpone the bad news if it’s that that I’ve come here for.
I haven’t seen her face in five days.
There’s a picture of the two of us on the sideboard in my apartment. It captures a point in time, but I recall the moments after is was taken and she replicates them now in front of me. She looks to the floor as she opens the door, glances at me – a smile flitting across her face, as quick as she could race across town – and she looks down again and pushes her glasses up her nose before she speaks.
“Lena, hi.” She grabs the cuffs of her sweatshirt and pulls them down over her arms before crossing them in front of her as she leans against the door frame, the wood creaking with her weight before she stands up straight, adjusting her pose, making her presence lighter against something from this world, something which can’t withstand her impact. I know all about that.
“Thank you for agreeing to see me. Even after we spoke I wasn’t sure I should come.” I try to stand still, I hold my bag in front of me. Seeing her face makes me warmer than the walk up several flights of stairs, makes me want to rip my scarf from around my neck, undo my coat which feels too tight around me, but she’s still blocking my way. This may be as far as I get tonight. I may be back out in the cold before long.
“No. Really? I was glad you called. I needed to see you, but I don’t think I would have ever picked up the phone. I didn’t know what to say.” She looks surprised by how quickly the words slip from her lips and I don’t want to get my hopes up, but she needed to see me and my heart is dancing double time inside my chest.
She smiles again. It lasts longer this time, and her eyes are doing that thing they do which makes me feel like I have drugs in my veins and lead in my feet so I look away.
We left things very abruptly a few days ago. I feel like I want to use those exact words, but bringing up last week, despite being the reason I’m here, is the last thing I want to do.
“Could I,” she looks directly at me again and I lose my train of thought, “…um, would it be okay if, could I, I mean, if you don’t mind, perhaps I could come in?”
“Oh gosh, yes, I’m sorry. Of course. This is rude of me, I’m rude.” She pushes her glasses up her nose again and takes a deep breath as she stands aside to let me in, and it feels even warmer inside her apartment than it did in the corridor.
I lean my bag against the blue cabinet inside her door and unravel my scarf. Kara hovers beside me and offers to take my coat as I begin unbuttoning it. I feel her reach for my collar and I let it slip from my shoulders. That her hand touches mine as I let the coat drop makes no sense. It’s not because of the coat, and I turn to face her but she already has her back me, hanging the coat on the peg my scarf sits on beside the door.
I take a step back and rub my hands together slowly. I have nothing to hold now and curse myself for not wearing pants, or at least a skirt with pockets. I’m just as warm as I was when she invited me in, and the hint of pink on her cheeks as she turns fills me with a mixture of dread and hope. An abysmal concoction, and not entirely unfamiliar.
“Can I get you a drink?”
“Water, please.” And I feel as though even a sip of that could knock me off my feet at this point.
She fills two glasses, her back to me once more, but as I watch I also see her placing a wet hand to the base of her throat and the back of her neck before wiping her hands on a dish cloth. Still, I must wonder if she’s embarrassed somehow, or if the tinge in her cheeks which hasn’t subsided is something else entirely. I think I’m hoping for the latter.
She’s wearing baggy sweatpants and an old white V-neck. I can’t help but trace the outline of her shoulder and biceps beneath the material. My eyes trail down her back and I want to put my hands on her waist and turn her to me. My eyes continue downward. I can’t make out her legs in what she’s wearing, but they’re another matter entirely. She catches me looking as she turns, handing me a glass with a weak smile.
“Please,” Kara gestures to the sofa, “-take a seat, I’m sorry I kept you standing at the door like that.”
We sit, sip our water, place the glasses on the table, and turn simultaneously. It feels choreographed, but I’m too anxious to laugh and too overwhelmed to speak, so I look at her and hope this is something she can start. She said she needed to see me, too, after all.
She smiles at me, really smiles now, but there’s a sadness in her eyes I can’t place. It’s similar to the way her face changes when she talks of home. I don’t want to be another thing for her to count among her losses. I don’t want to be the cause of anything less than happiness for her.
“Lena,” my heart rate picks up a notch again at the sound of her saying my name, but my stomach feels like my feet did before and I want to gather my things and leave, “-I need to apologise about the way I reacted last week.”
Kara removes her glasses, resting them on her knee as she rubs at her eyes. She glances at me without them before scrambling to put them back on again. This time I can’t help but breathe out a small laugh. She has ruined me for anybody else, regardless of the outcome of this conversation.
“Last week was a disaster in ways I hadn’t anticipated and I owe you an apology, too. I didn’t mean to cross a line the way I did. I didn’t mean to-“ I start to explain what I’ve spent days thinking about, but she interrupts me.
“Lena, stop.” Kara holds a hand up between us and bites her lower lip and, Jesus, I feel like I’m tethered to two opposite points, being pushed and pulled. The force might kill me if her eyes don’t do it first.
“Last week was a disaster, and I know you feel responsible for that somehow. You were the one who crossed a line in a way, but my reaction was uncalled for. We had been dancing around that line for so long and you didn’t actually do anything wrong. I don’t really have the words to explain myself and my reaction, or a ‘where to from here plan’, but I owe you an apology.”
Kara raised her fingers, placing ‘where to from here’ in air quotes and I found myself smiling again despite my entire week being about that very thing. Where to from here?
For an organisation with so many secrets, Lena was always surprised the DEO had so much open-plan space, and so many rooms made almost entirely of glass. Not that she was complaining. While she waited for Agent Danvers to return with the item they required help identifying, Lena watched Kara enter the building from the opposite direction. On the rare occasion Lena had been summoned to the DEO in the past, Kara’s presence had always only ever been in full Supergirl attire. Whenever the two would meet up during work hours, Kara wore dress pants and a button-down shirt. In recent weeks, as the two had been spending more time together in the evenings and on weekends, away from CatCo, L-Corp, and the DEO, Kara managed to make Lena swoon in little more than jeans and a t-shirt. So, when Lena stood to wave at Kara as she walked toward her, the very short, very tight black skirt the woman wore saw Lena’s jaw go slack and her hand barely making it past her own waist in an effort to signal Kara.
With barely a smile between them, Lena turned around and marched to the other side of the room, eyes all but rolling back in her head.
“Holy hell.” The fact that her words were audible could not be helped. That little red sorry excuse for a skirt on Kara’s Supergirl suit was nothing to the one she was currently wearing. And those thighs…
“Holy hell.” Lena pressed her hands to the desk in front of her, bowing her head and taking a breath to try and compose herself.
“You said that already.”
Lena turned, startled to see Agent Danvers who was looking at her with a bemused grin on her face.
“Agent Danvers I didn’t…you…I wasn’t, I.” Lena took a deep breath and cleared her throat. “I apologise for my language. That was uncalled for. Do you have the device?” Lena walked back to the other side of the room, eyes focussed on the agent, a conscious effort to prevent her from searching for Kara through the glass wall of the office.
“Winn believes he’s been able to crack the algorithm the device was using to locate alien activity, but he’d like you to run your eyes over the code if you wouldn’t mind. He’s also keen to see if your recognise any trademarks of Morgan Edge which we may have missed. We can head down to his work station now if you think you’re able to hold yourself together.” Agent Danvers smirked once more and Lena felt her cheeks flush.
“Hold myself togeth…excuse me?”
Motioning with her head towards the door, Agent Danvers began walking out of the office, indicating Lena should follow.
“My sister has also come by to speak with Winn. Perhaps try to keep your eyes on the monitors to prevent further outbursts.”
The heat in Lena’s cheeks burned now, and she concentrated on matching Agent Danvers step for step, hoping it would subside before reaching Winn and Kara.
In the time between her visit to the DEO and her arrival at the bar several hours later, Lena had found her mind wandering back to Kara in that skirt.
She had pictured Kara pushing her against a desk, one leg either side of her own as Lena ran her hands over Kara’s ass in that skirt. She pictured being able to walk into a room where Kara was leaning forward over a desk, reading something very important and Lena could distract her by running a hand up the back of Kara’s thigh while she was wearing that skirt. She pictured her hands on Kara’s hips, kissing her way up Kara’s naked back and, ever so slowly, unzipping that skirt.
Lena took a deep breath before knocking on the door of the bar, giving the password, and making her way inside.
Alex and Winn were already quite merry by the time she joined them in their booth. Kara offered Lena a shy smile as she slipped onto the seat beside Kara, accepting a kiss on the cheek as both Winn and Alex were distracted, motioning for someone behind the bar to come to their table. The peck on her cheek, small as it was, had the very same effect as some of the other kinds of kisses they’d shared in recent weeks. Lena’s mind was in overdrive.
She understood whatever was happening between them was developing slowly. Until today this hadn’t caused her any dissatisfaction, but a quick glance downward confirmed that Kara was still wearing that skirt and Lena used every ounce of willpower she could muster to keep her hands on the table.
Alex and Winn gave up trying to get anyone’s attention and left the table to take matters into their own hands.
“It was nice to see you at work today, I’m sorry we didn’t get much of a chance to talk, but you and Winn seemed very busy and I couldn’t be away from CatCo for very long.” Kara pushed her glasses up her nose with one hand while her opposite shoulder bumped Lena’s, a common show of affection when they were in public together.
“I was trying not to allow myself to become distracted from the task Winn had summoned me for, but that was more difficult than usual today.” Lena tried to keep her tone steady. She didn’t want to be too forward, she didn’t want to be too suggestive, despite her thoughts being anything but innocent.
“What do you mean?” Kara was all innocence, and Lena felt guilty debating what degree of honesty she should answer the question with.
“I mean,” she hesitated, looking over to Alex and Winn at the bar before turning back to Kara, “-I mean I wasn’t expecting to see you there today and you looked… stunning.”
Kara laughed, head dipping as she did so. “I kind of want to kiss you right now.”
Jesus. Lena closed her eyes at the very thought. They had kissed on a few occasions in recent weeks, each one longer than the last. “Kara Danvers, please don’t tempt me right now.”
The two shared a smile as Alex and Winn arrived back, each with a jug and extra glass in hand. Lena accepted the beer Winn poured her and Kara grabbed a jug of pink liquid from Alex’s hands and poured herself a glass.
The loud noises of laughter and general banter mixed with the beer helping Lena relax into the evening. A woman Alex had been seeing came by for a drink or two and left, and the four of them became three when Winn ran into an ex-girlfriend and made a suspiciously quick exit.
“So, you two then?” Alex’s voice was loud as she wiggled a finger at the Lena and Kara, but Lena wasn’t concerned that any of the other patrons were paying them any attention.
“Alex.” There was warning in Kara’s voice, but she turned and smiled at Lena just the same. A shoulder bump reassuring Lena that she wasn’t perturbed.
“What? I figured you two would’ve been out of here before Winn and that girl, to be honest.” She quirked an eyebrow in Lena’s direction.
“Alex!” Kara clearly didn’t appreciate the implication behind Alex’s words.
“What? Look, Lena, she’s told me all about you two…and after your reaction to seeing her in that skirt today, I would have imagined it would’ve been on the floor of your apartment before now.”
“Agent Danvers!”
“Alex, stop!”
Kara and Lena spoke at the same time, and Alex poured herself another drink as Kara turned to look at Lena.
“What is she talking about?” Kara pulled at her skirt under the table as if doing so would make it longer.
“You really need to start calling me Alex…” Alex took a sip from her glass.
“It’s nothing, Kara. Honestly.” There was nothing honest about her words, but Lena could see Kara’s blood boiling at their personal business being discussed in such a matter.
“…you need to drop the Agent Danvers crap if you’re going to start banging my sister.” Alex laughed at her own words. “Holy hell! That was what you said. You know I heard you. Twice.”
“Agent Danvers, I think that’s quite enough.” Lena stood up to leave. “Can I offer the two of you a ride home?”
“You can drop me off and then take her back to your-“
“Alex, you need to shut your mouth right now.” Kara shuffled out of the booth and stood up. “Wait here. I’ll deal with you in a minute.” Grabbing Lena by the arm, Kara dragged her over to the corridor which led to the bathrooms.
“What is all this, Lena? I don’t understand. What have you been saying to her about us? About me!” Kara was visibly upset now, voice shaking, and the look of betrayal in her eyes hit Lena square in the chest.
“Kara, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. I haven’t said anything to your sister about you or about us. I wasn’t even sure what you’d told her. I don’t really know what we’re doing to be able to talk to anyone about it. It’s just you and me and I’m enjoying the time we spend together. That’s all.” Lena’s heart was racing as she tried to process the turn their night had just taken.
“But you want more? Is that it? You want something I can’t give you? And what on earth did she mean about my skirt?” Kara’s arms were folded and her lips were pressed together in a thin line as she waited for Lena to explain herself.
“Kara I-“ Lena rested her head back against the corridor wall and tried to steady her racing heart with a few careful breaths, “-Kara you know I’m incredibly attracted to you. The way we’ve been, together, the way things have changed these past few months…I didn’t expect to see you today and I haven’t often seen you dressed like this. Your sister walked into the room as I reacted to seeing you and clearly made some assumptions.”
“So what you’re telling me is that you’re just like Mon-El and every other guy I’ve ever dated? This has all just bee about...getting me into bed?!” Kara shook her head.
“Kara, it’s not, I-“ Lena stammered no knowing how their evening had come to this.
“Just leave, Lena. I’ll get Alex home myself. I have plenty to say to her too, trust me, but there’s nothing left to tell her about us.” Turning on her heel, Kara ignored Lena’s pleas to come back.
Lena watched as Kara dragged a very drunk Alex from the booth and marched her out the door of the bar.
Staying to have another drink alone, Lena fought tears as she typed and erased the same message to Kara several times. As she stood to leave, she pressed send before slipping her phone into her pocket. Three words. The only three words which would connect them for days.
“I’m so sorry.”
The water glass beside me is almost empty which doesn’t help the dry feeling in the back of my throat, but Kara is smiling at me, has let me in her house, is being kind. I can’t really ask for more than that.
“Is that the part you’ve come here for? The ‘where to from here’ bit?” Kara sinks her teeth into her lip again and while so many thoughts are fighting for priority in my head right now, I just want to reach out and run my thumb across that spot she keeps biting. I want to kiss her too, but I’d give anything for even just her hand on mine right now.
“I came here because I had to know if this, whatever this was, is really over. I’m too stubborn to take you at your words when you were angry the other night. You had every right to be angry, of course, but I guess I need to hear you say it to me one more time before I can believe it.” I breathe in deeply and blow the air out slowly to distract me from the pressure forming in the corners of my eyes.
I feel like I’ve been holding my breath all week. I can’t look at her if those are the words she’s about to repeat. I stare at my lap. I can’t keep my hands still. Its common practise when I’m around her to fidget in the silence. It happens when I’m nervous. Usually I would try to hide my hands behind my back, but I’m completely exposed before her now.
When she reaches out to stop me, taking one of my hands in hers, my breath hitches and I don’t know what it means or whether I should look at her or not.
“I don’t think I can do that, Lena. I don’t really know what to say right now, but I can’t say this is over. I really don’t want it to be.” She has tears in her eyes now and I feel mine trailing down my cheeks.
I use my free hand to wipe them away before reaching for her so I’m holding both her hands, and for the first time all week the crazy rhythm of my heart feels like something I can handle.
“I spent most of the following day with Alex. She was as hungover as a human can be, and we spent the day on this sofa. She feels terrible about this, too.”
I’ve spent my fair share of these past few days being mad at Alex Danvers, but I know she wouldn’t have had any fodder had she not witnessed my reaction to Kara that day.
“In between napping, I realised that despite what I had told her about us, there was a lot I had left out.” I raise my eyebrows at this. Kara and I have barely spoken about what we are to each other or where it’s going. She moves closer to me now, both of us leaning a shoulder lazily against the back of the sofa, our hands knitted together between us.
“Alex,” it’s now Kara turn to take a breath and I find myself holding mine like this thing she is about to say is the thing I need to hear, “-she pointed out that this has been bigger than I’ve acknowledged for longer than I care to admit. And she’s completely right. I’ve been using this idea of Mon-El leaving, this idea of grief to hold me back, to hold us back as though it’s some open wound I should heal from before I can let this happen, but…I’ve come to realise that this,” she squeezes my hands and I feel warm tears on my cheeks again, “-this thing between us started long before I lost Mon-El. I think this whole time it has been the guilt I feel around that which is holding me back.”
I let go of her hands to wipe away the tears again. I know I must look a mess but I can’t bring myself to care. “So what are you saying, Kara? I might need you to spell it out at this point because I’m…”
“I’m saying,” she interrupts me with a finger to my lips and I can feel her everywhere as she moves her leg and brings herself even closer now. I can see the pulse in her neck beating out of control and I can’t help but reach out and run my hand over her skin and rest my thumb there. She swallows thickly and I find my breath syncing with hers as her chest rises and falls more rapidly, “-I’m saying-“ her voice is a whisper now, as if what she’s about to say is a secret no one else is to hear, “-I’m saying I’ve been in love with you since long before this started.”
I exhale every everything I’ve been holding onto for the past few days. Every doubt, every moment I was afraid I’d misinterpreted, every memory we’d started making together that I was afraid I’d have to try and erase from my mind.
“Remember before things became a disaster the other night?” She’s smiling at me, but I have no idea if she knows which moment I’m about to remind her of. “When Alex and Winn went to the bar and you said…”
“I said I wanted to kiss you?”
“Yes.” I feel my face breaking into the most ridiculous smile, the kind only she can pull from me. “Would it be okay if…”
She interrupts me with her lips this time. Every inch of my body is tingling and she exacerbates this as she moves to straddle my lap. I wrap my arms around her and get lost in the sensation of her mouth on mine and the weight of her against me. I didn’t come here tonight prepared for anything like this.
“Jesus, Kara. What are you doing to me?” I lick my lips and rest my head back against the sofa to look at her, my hands still moving at her waist desperate to lift her shirt and feel her skin. But that’s too many steps forward in too little time. She rests her forehead against mine and I can feel her breath on my cheek.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go from ‘how dare you check me out in that skirt’ to ‘take it all off’, but I’ve been needing to kiss you since you would barely make eye contact with me at the DEO that day…and, we were at a weird angle just now, so I fixed it.” Her smile is a mixture of dopey and cocky and I can’t tell which I adore more.
I pull at the hem of her shirt. “So if you kissed me again, but I lifted this a little, just to keep my hands warm, would that be okay?”
She lifts the bottom of her shirt and places my hands on her hips before leaning in to kiss me again. I have no intention of moving too fast, but I let my hands roam around her lower back and feel her hips jerk as she gasps at the feeling of them moving toward her stomach.
“Sorry.” I mumble through kisses, sighing as I feel her pull back again.
“Don’t be sorry.” She takes my hands and places them back on her waist so my thumbs are close to that spot again. “You just need to know, for future reference, that I’m extremely sensitive right here.
“For future reference, eh?” I move my thumbs ever so slowly against her skin and she buckles in front of me, a string of curse words leaving her lips. “Is it just right here?” I press my thumbs to her skin.
Her eyes close and the look on her face goes right through me as she arches her neck and licks her lips. “There, and a little further up.”
She places my hands higher and I feel greedy as I move them both over her skin, smoothing them down her abs which tense under my touch. I make sure to trail my fingers down her sides and rather than buckle under my touch this time, this woman who can punch holes through cement walls and lift vehicles above her head, presses her hips down into me and moves against me in the most delicate, delicious way. My lips are on her neck and my hands all the way under her shirt, feeling every muscle in her back and shoulders moving beneath her skin.
I feel a jolt behind me, something breaks and I feel myself falling backwards for a moment before Kara grabs me and pulls me to her. There is silence for a moment before her body is moving against mine in a very different way. The laughter ripples through her like I’ve seen many times before, but it’s the very first time I’ve had a woman laughing hysterically while sitting on my lap.
“I’m sorry. I’m so glad this is my sofa and not yours. I guess something had to give.” She releases her hold on me, enough for me to turn and see the sofa back has essentially been ripped in half. I laugh too, but for whatever reason, I’m more turned on than amused.
“Does this happen often? Things breaking when you’re…”
“When I’m straddling a beautiful woman? Wouldn’t know. Never done that before.”
“But have you done that before?” I nod my head toward the broken section of the sofa we’re still sitting on.
She pulls me closer again, kisses me slowly. I feel her pick me up and lay me down on the sofa, her body coming to rest on top of mine. “I haven’t had to try this hard not to break things since I was a teenager. Being with you feels like learning to control my powers all over again. We’re going to need to take this slow because I don’t want to break you in the process. I think the reason this all has been so hard for me to admit to myself is because it’s never happened before.”
I feel her lips at my neck now and nothing could make this moment more perfect. That space between my head and my heart is filled with everything Kara. We can take this as slow as she likes if she kisses me this way. I just want to spend my time with her like this.
“Being with a woman?” My voice is barely audible as she takes my face in her hands. Her eyes are doing that thing they do which means I can’t form words. She shakes her head, smoothing her thumbs across my cheeks.
“Falling in love.”