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“Captain, you almost make me believe in luck.”
Kirk smiled at Spock with a twinkle in his eye, “Why Mr. Spock, you almost make me believe in miracles.”
Spock quirked up an eyebrow at his friend and Captain, but did not reply. As he looked into Jim's eyes, he felt the corner of his mouth curving up into a smile. He quickly turned away and returned to his station.
Kirk looked around quickly and was relieved that no else had seen Spock’s incredibly brief smile. It was a smile meant only for him, and Jim believed that with all of his heart.
Someone else had seen it, though. Bones was already on his way back to sickbay. He saw the moment shared between his Captain and First Officer, and sighed as he walked into his office and shut the door behind him. He poured himself some bourbon and thought about how to approach his friends about their attraction to one another.
It was undeniable that there was something between them that went beyond; beyond their friendship and the Captain and 1st Commanding Officer relationship. Bones sipped his bourbon slowly, and contemplated how to bring up the issue with either one of them.
Spock found himself drawn to the Captain's Quarters. He was drawn there for reasons he was not ready to acknowledge, or speak of. But still he went, just to see him, to be near him. Spock told himself that it was to commend his Captain on a job well done. Indeed, it was logical to give humans the validation they so desperately craved, and Spock told himself that was the only reason he was going. He told himself that, and although deep down he knew it was only a half truth, he pushed those feelings down and locked them away. It was not something he was ready to face, yet.
Back at the Captain's quarters, Jim got out of the shower and dressed in his Starfleet issued pajamas. He poured himself some bourbon and sat back in his chair, scanning over his PADD and looking over the events of the day. He thought about Spock. He knew he was in love with him; the thought of it no longer made his stomach do flip-flops. He'd already gone through the denial phase, and now was now ready to move on to step two: What was he going to do about it? James Tiberius Kirk was hardly a man to beat around the bush. He was in love with Spock. He'd accepted it and moved on. Now, he just needed to figure out how Spock felt, or if he felt anything for him at all beyond their friendship. Just as he started to become lost in thought, he was startled back to reality but the sound of his door chime. He knew immediately that it was Spock. He wasn't sure how he knew… But a little tingle in the back of his mind told him that it was his best friends.
“Come in,” he called. He couldn't help but smile when Spock walked in.
“Jim,” Spock greeted with a nod of his head.
“Hello, Spock. What can I do for you this evening?”
Spock hesitated. The logical part of his brain was screaming at him to acknowledge the truth, to himself and to Jim, but he just couldn't form the words, nor was he ready to deal with the emotions he fought so hard to quell. So he made small talk, as best as he understood it.
“Jim… Captain, I… I wished to commend you on your intuition and insight regarding the events of today. Your approach was, at times, difficult to understand, but nevertheless, most effective.”
Jim smiled again, “Thank you, Spock.” He walked over to where his first officer was standing, and gazed into his eyes.
Spock swallowed hard, “You're very welcome, Jim.”
Spock had his hands clasped behind his back, as usual, as Jim approached, but when Jim reached out with both hands and rested his hands on Spock’s chest, Spock could not fight his urge to place run his hands up Jim's arms and rest them on his shoulders. They looked at each other longingly for a moment before Spock slid his hands from Jim's shoulders and down to clasp his hands in his own.
Jim expected him to remove his hands and resume their usual, professional conversation, but instead, Spock gently maneuvered their hands until their palms were pressed together in a Vulcan salute. “Spock.. .” he whispered.
Every nerve in Spock’s body was jolted by the contact with Jim's palms. He leaned in, pressed his nose against Jim's neck, and breathed deeply. He fought hard to maintain his mental shields, but his control briefly slipped as he became lost in Jim's scent. Jim's emotions flooded into him, and his emotions also transferred to Jim. They both gasped as they realized that they felt the same. There was deep affection, undying loyalty, and unconditional love. He felt the rhythm of Jim's heart as their chests pressed together, and suddenly Spock startled. He quickly took a step back and could not meet Jim's eyes, clasping his hands tightly behind his back once more. “Captain… My apologies. I simply came by to congratulate you on the outcome of the events of today.”
“Thank you, Mr. Spock,” Jim replied sincerely. He took a deep breath and internally screamed at himself to not make it any more awkward than it already was. He couldn't hide the smile on his face, but he pressed on and spoke to his friend as he always had, “Would you like to stay and have a drink? Talk?” They definitely needed to talk. He looked at Spock longingly, still smiling, and saw sadness quickly pass over Spock’s face before he schooled his features and looked like Jim had always known him: Calm and collected.
“I'm afraid I must decline your invitation this evening. I need to meditate on… recent events.”
Jim smiled at his friend again, “Of course, Mr. Spock. Thank you for your kind words.”
“It seemed logical to, as you would say, ‘give credit where credit is due.’ It is unnecessary to thank me.”
“Well, thank you all the same. Goodnight Spock.”
And for the second time that day, Spock allowed Jim a hint of a smile. Jim grinned and Spock could feel his ears getting hot. “Goodnight, Jim.” He turned and quickly walked out of the room and back to his quarters.
Jim smiled to himself after Spock rushed out. Their encounter had given Kirk all of the information he needed. Spock did have feelings for him, he just hadn't completely accepted it yet… He was definitely exploring it, though. Jim decided to let Spock make the next move.
Spock silently berated himself for how he acted towards Jim as he changed out of his uniform and into his meditation robe. However, by time the candle was lit, he was calm and ready to face his reality. His feelings had been there for a long time, he admitted to himself, but buried deep, or so he thought. He realized as he meditated that Jim smiling at him, saying, “Why, Mr. Spock, you almost make me believe in miracles,” had forced those feelings to the surface once again, in spectacular fashion. They rushed in and pounded at him all at once. He always knew they were there, he just had them under careful control, until today, at least. Jim placing his hands on his chest as they spoke and gazing into his eyes caused him to lose his control almost completely. As his meditation deepened, he began to see himself as others did; he was a fly on the wall, as Jim might say, watching his life play out before him. He saw himself gazing deeply into Jim's eyes, their palms pressed together. He startled as another image interrupted the moment. It was the image of his father looking into his mother's eyes. Spock’s face as he looked into Jim's eyes held a striking resemblance to his father Sarek’s face when he looked at his wife, Amanda.
It was only then did Spock allow himself to fully admit it. He was not only attracted to, but also in love with James Kirk, his dearest friend and commanding officer. And Jim was in love with him. He felt the T’hy’la bond strongly in his mind, and wondered if Jim could feel it, too.
Spock slowly came out of his meditation, and took a deep breath when his eyes opened. He rose from kneeling on the floor and sat in his chair. “Now what?” he thought himself. The solution to his dilemma was logical: He would simply pursue a romantic relationship. But, like most things in life, it just wasn't that easy. There would possibly be negative consequences. Same sex relationships were normal and accepted in Starfleet, so that wasn't the issue. The issue was that Jim was his Commanding Officer. He was Jim's subordinate. It was not unheard of for a couple to work together successfully in that regard, but Starfleet was wary about such things. A meeting would take place in which they would have to explain to a panel why their relationship would not be detrimental to the overall well being of the ship and crew. Starfleet would investigate, deliberate, and then decide if they felt the relationship was healthy enough not to create a conflict of interest. If they decided that they could not allow them to continue to serve in that capacity, one of the pair would be reassigned to a different post on the same ship. Since Jim was the Captain, that meant Spock would be the one reassigned, and his heart dropped at the thought of not being beside his Captain on the bridge. It was a gamble, and he was not sure if it was one he was willing to make. Spock was not eager to disrupt the working relationship that they had. Plagued by his uncertainty, he walked out of his room and towards Dr. McCoy's quarters.
Bones had changed into his pajamas and settled in to review the results of this week's round of routine physicals before submitting them to Starfleet. It wasn't the most exciting way to spend a Friday evening, but after the events of the last few days, it was a welcome respite. He was surprised to hear his door chime. It was getting late and he was not expecting anyone. “Come in,” he called.
“Good evening, Leonard,” Spock said, using his first name to imply that this visit was not regarding ship business.
“Evening, Spock. Everything OK?” He asked. Spock coming to his quarters at this hour was definitely unusual.
“I am uncertain.”
Bones raised an eyebrow and put down the file he was reading. He had never seen Spock looking so utterly uncertain. “Have a seat,” he said. They argued a lot, but over the years they had come to have a mutual respect and admiration for one another, and their friendship strengthened by the day. Bones could clearly see that Spock needed a friend, and, although he'd never admit it, he was touched that Spock had chosen him to talk to. “Do you want a drink?”
“That would be acceptable. Thank you.”
Bones raised both eyebrows this time. Spock rarely drank, so now Bones was really concerned, although he didn't let it show too much. He poured two whiskeys and then sat down across from him. “So, what's on your mind, Spock?”
“That is, as you would say, ‘a loaded question.’ I find myself in a difficult situation.”
“What kind of situation?”
Spock thought for a moment before replying, “The kind of situation where the logical choice may not be the correct choice. I have come to seek your advice.”
“Well, honestly, I'm flattered Spock, and I will do my best not to steer you in the wrong direction; but I'm going to need to know what we're talking about here.”
“It is… A private matter. And one that I'm finding most difficult to discuss.”
“Well, I can't help you unless you tell me, and I hope you know that whatever is said in this room will stay in this room.”
“I… I have developed romantic feelings for the Captain,” Spock said, looking at Bones with uncertainty in his eyes.
Bones snorted a laugh, relieved that it wasn't anything more serious and amused at the fact that Spock was finally admitting to having feelings. “Yeah, no shit, Spock.”
This time, Spock raised an eyebrow at him and Bones smiled, “What, you think I didn't notice the way you two gaze longingly into each other's eyes? And if your question is if Jim reciprocates your feelings, the answer is definitely yes.”
“That is not where my uncertainty lies. I have indeed confirmed that Jim reciprocates my feelings.”
“And how did you do that? Or do I not want to know?”
“There was nothing overly inappropriate about the encounter, at least by human standards,” he admitted, “I approached the Captain to commend him on his handling of this last mission. I… We… Initiated a momentary emotional transference when our hands touched.” That was as much as he was willing to share about it, and he was thankful that Bones didn't press for more details.
“I see,” Bones said carefully, “So, did you two begin your romantic relationship at that time?”
“Negative. He wished me to stay and talk and I declined, citing the need for meditation on the events unfolding.”
“Well, what's the problem? You love him, right?”
Spock downed his whiskey in one shot and forced himself to look at Bones, “I do,” he admitted quietly.
“I know he loves you, too. So what's the problem?”
“As you are aware, couples in Starfleet that are in a position where one is a subordinate to the other are carefully scrutinized, and require Starfleet approval to continue to serve in that capacity. There is a chance that Starfleet will not approve our request, and of that happened, I would be assigned to a different area of the ship, and a new First Officer would be appointed.”
“Ah,” Bones said knowingly as he poured them both another drink, “I see what you're saying. You're not sure if you're willing to risk being removed from him in that sense.”
“Precisely.”
“Well, Spock, you need to figure out of you could still be fulfilled in a relationship with him where you're not his First Officer. Would your love for him change or lessen if that happens? I know you wouldn't like it, but even if you were reassigned, you would still be together. And if you love him as much as I think you do, I think it's a risk worth taking. But that's just my opinion. At the end of the day, it's up to you and him.”
“Indeed.” Spock finished his whiskey and stood, “Thank you for your insight and your discretion, Leonard. I know I do not always show it, but I have come to greatly value your friendship.”
Bones smiled and resisted the urge to tease him, “My pleasure, sir,” he simply said, “Don't hesitate to reach out to me anytime you want to talk. Good luck. Let me know how it turns out.”
“I shall. Goodnight.”
“Night, Spock.”
The next day, on the bridge, Spock was nervous, but everything played out as it normally did. After their last stressful mission, they were ordered to stop at Starbase 7 to pick up supplies and make a routine delivery to a science outpost in the beta quadrant. They were 6 hours into the 20 hour journey to the starbase when the Alpha shift ended.
After Jim finished eating and was in his quarters reviewing reports, he smiled as he realized that Spock would be at his door momentarily. He smiled again as his prediction proved to be correct when he heard his door chime.
“Come in, Spock,” he called.
“Jim,” Spock greeted as he walked in.
“Hello, Spock. Come in, have a seat. Tea?”
“Tea would be acceptable. Thank you.”
He handed Spock his tea, then sat down on the couch next to him. “How's everything, Spock?” Jim asked casually.
“Everything is… Satisfactory, Jim. Although, I wished to speak to you regarding recent events.”
“OK, what's up?”
Spock thought for a long moment, then set his tea down on the table in front of him and stood to face the Captain. He made sure his shields were firmly in place before offering his hands to help Jim to his feet. Once Jim was on his feet, Spock pulled their hands up and arranged them so that their palms were touching in a ta’al symbol, just as they were the previous evening. Then he dropped his mental shields. Emotions flooded the both of them again, and Jim gasped at the intensity of Spock's feelings.
“Jim… T’hy’la… What you are experiencing is only a small sample of my feelings for you. Please… Allow me to demonstrate the full depth of my feelings for you,” he said as he held up a hand and it hovered in front of Jim's face, “May I?...”
Jim swallowed hard and nodded his consent, unable to speak. Spock, ever so slowly and gently, placed his fingers on the psi points on Jim's face, murmuring, “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts…”
Jim gasped again and became lost in Spock. He saw and experienced the full, undying love the Vulcan held for him. He saw every moment that made Spock love him just a little more. He felt the anguish, confusion, terror, and joy that those emotions brought to Spock, and then the elation that he'd finally come to terms with them, and instead of buying them, embraced them. The meld only lasted a few minutes, and when Spock pulled his hand away and opened his eyes, he saw tears running down Jim's face.
“T’hy’la, I am sorry. It is never my intention to hurt you.”
Jim smiled and brushed his thumb against Spock's cheek, “You didn't hurt me. Illogical humans often cry tears of joy. Sometimes something happens that's so wonderful that it's overwhelming to the point of tears. I am happy. I didn't think that you'd ever reciprocate my feelings. Even if you didn't, I was happy just to be friends with you… And we can continue to just be friends, if that's what you're comfortable with. I love you, Spock. I'll take you any way that I can get you.”
Spock gazed into his eyes and smiled that small, special smile meant only for him, “I am pleased that you share my feelings. If you wish, I would like to be more than just friends… But as you know Starfleet…”
He was interrupted by Jim leaning in and softly kissing his lips. It was brief and chaste, and Jim pulled away, searching his eyes for permission to continue. Spock wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, kissing him deeply before hugging him tightly and peppering his neck with kisses.
Spock tried to speak again, this time, speaking a few words in between each kiss, “Jim, as you… Are aware… Starfleet will… Investigate and… Deliberate… On the safety… Of our connection.. In relation to… The ship and crew…”
Jim pulled away and kissed his lips again before saying, “Let them investigate. Whatever happens, happens. What's that Vulcan term you use?”
“Kaiidth,” Spock replied, “What is, is. That which we cannot change we must learn to accept.”
Jim kissed him again then hugged him close, whispering into his ear, “Kaiidth, Spock. Like I said, I love you and will take you however I can get you.”
“Good,” Spock replied, making Jim smile again, “I feel the same.”
“I knew you were coming, you know,” Jim said as he continued to hold him tightly, “before you even got to the door, I could feel you approaching in my mind.”
“Fascinating,” Spock replied, pulling away from him just enough to look into his eyes, “That is the T’hy’la bond. I was unsure if you were aware of it.”
“Bond? I thought bonds had to be created by a Vulcan elder?”
“Normally, yes… But the T’hy’la bond is different.”
“What does that mean? T’hy’la?” Jim asked, brushing his hands over Spock's cheeks.
“There is no direct translation for the word. It can loosely mean friend, brother, or lover. But with the bond, the closest translation is soulmate. It is a bond that forms naturally, without any outside influence. You are my soulmate, Jim. My T’hy’la… And I cherish thee, Ashayam.”
Unable to resist the pull of the bond, Spock once again pulled him close, kissing him deeply. And for the first time in his life, he truly felt like he was home.