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„What have you done?” Armie is collapsing in front of me, bending as if I punched him in the stomach.
„How..? How could you..?” he’s kneeling on the floor before me, looking like he might throw up.
What was I thinking? How could I do something so cruel? Who the fuck am I becoming? I don’t even recognise myself anymore. And I certainly don't like the person that I am right now, so how can he love me after this? Sudden panic overwhelms me. I can’t breathe. I sit on the floor in front of him.
He looks at me, I read fear and shock in his eyes but there’s also something else waking there. Fury.
I see he’s fighting with himself, wanting to say something, wanting to scream at me. In my head I implore him to hit me, I want him to slap me in the face or kick me, anything. I need to be punished somehow in order to be redeemed.
But instead, he stands up, gathers his things, puts on his shoes and walks out. Just like that.
I want to beg, I want to grovel at his feet, but I do nothing, I don’t even look at him. Even when he turns around and gives me a glance before he closes the door.
_______
I walk out of his apartment to save him from my rage. The only thing I know to do in a moment like this is to go for a run.
As I jog around the park, my mind starts to clear up a little and I’m calming down. I’m still mad at him. Not for what he’s done, but because he’s so fucking young and reckless. Funny how I blame Tim just for being young, when I myself act so fucking stupid. So finally it dawns on me, I’m angry at myself really. At first i think it’s for falling for him in the first place. But that's not something I can or ever will regret. At some point I have to admit to myself that all I am doing is just selfish and wrong and I've been lying to myself that I was just trying to be a better man. I’m the only one to blame in this situation.
I should have been honest with him, like I should have been honest with her, but I tried to ease this thing for both of them and in result I just made a bigger mess.
I’m not surprised Elizabeth isn’t calling me, though. The letter shouldn’t be such a shock to her anymore. Not after the things I said to her yesterday before I slammed the door behind me. Yes, I haven’t exactly told her about my feelings for Tim, so that part might be new to her (although I really doubt that), but I’m pretty sure it’s not the most painful thing for her right now. The letter might even help soothe her a little, if she lets herself understand it.
After two hours I decide I’m calm enough to come back. And tired enough too. I sit on a bench for a minute and as my stomach is churning I realise I haven’t had anything to eat today. I had been hungry already when Tim displayed some food on the table for us to have breakfast, but there was something else that I was even more hungry for, so the food was left forgotten.
I don’t think he knows what he’s doing to me. I don’t think he feels the same longing I feel. Even when I have him in my arms, it’s never enough. It’s as if all this wasted time, when I knew I was in love with him but didn’t act on it, has to catch up with us now. So before that happens, the yearning lingers.
The force of it is somehow worse when I’m with him, and it makes me completely unable to think. My mind focuses on his eyes or on his lips and everything else turns into a blur. And when I try to snap out of it, dread takes control over me and I’m even more gone. It’s either this all-devouring passion or paralysing fear that I can't even name properly. There seems to be no middle ground, no safe space so essential for communication. How am I supposed to explain all of this to him? I’m not sure I understand it myself.
_______
My mind goes blank and I’m thankful I’m free from the chaos of my own thoughts. I can’t force my body to move. I just sit there for what seems like hours. At some point I start to overcome the numbness, so I get up and make myself a sandwich, which I eat for the longest time, chewing absentmindedly, forgetting to swallow.
All I can do now is wait. For all hell to break loose, for the shit storm I caused to hit me. For him to come back to me.
I look around the room, the couch is a mess, my coat still lies on the floor, next to some crumpled clothing, there’s food on the table, and all of it screams his name. And then I feel a sudden flutter in my heart. His travel bag. Still there, by the door. He is coming back.
I go and lie on the floor and put my head on it, clutching my phone to my chest. I feel like crying - I’m not sure if it’s because I’m scared or because I’m so helplessly, naively hopeful, or both. I fold myself in fetal position and just wait, looking at the door.
My heart stops when the phone rings. I move my finger to answer immediately but then I see it’s not Armie calling.
It’s Elizabeth.
I stare at the screen for a while before I answer, swallowing and bracing myself.
„Elizabeth?”
„Timmy.” her voice is cold and I can picture her talking through her teeth, fake smile plastered on her lips.
„Elizabeth, listen, I’m sorry..” I start.
„I’m gonna stop you there, Timmy. I’m just calling to tell you you’re in way over your head, sweetie.”
I’m flabbergasted into silence, I don’t think my heart started beating again yet.
„I don’t know what kind of fantasy you created for yourself, but this old game is for adults only and you’re obviously still just a silly boy. I mean you proved that today, don’t you think?”
There’s nothing for me to say. She’s right and I’m scared shitless.
„I was nothing but nice to you. You really disappointed me.”
„I..” I try to say something, but I stutter, her voice is vile and piercing.
„I’m only calling because evidently you need to be reminded of the order of things, little Timmy.”
She hangs up.
I don’t have time to process what she implied or to even start to panic, because there’s a quiet knock on the door.
I get up from the floor, open the door and there’s Armie covered in sweat, looking sad and tired.
„We need to talk.” he says heavily and walks past me.