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The Akutagawa family was one of pride, and one who held pride above all; even their own lives.
This, of course, would lead to struggle and overall, distraught in their lives, but they were fighters and they were survivors, known never to give up and never to die unless in the line of their own self sacrifice; And they certainly never bowed their heads to any lesser unless it was for their own pride and of their higher rank; And even at that, they held strong in their own pride and never did anything unless it was out of benefit to themselves; and with their actions, they were never put in the position where they would need help from others.
So of course, this was what Ryunosuke Akutagawa would believe as well.
His parents had died with this belief, they had died on the line of their own pride and they had left him alone in the world to fend for himself and take care of his sister; so it was only natural for him to believe the same; the most traumatic events of his past were all stemming from one source, and yet he would keep living because of his promise and because of his pride and his will to live, because that was who he was, and that was all he was; he was the only one left in the world to demonstrate just who the Akutagawa family was, and he was the last to keep his pride until the end.
So, yes, of course he would keep his pride and he would take it to the grave. He was never to surrender, not once and not ever; it was set in his blood and carved to his skin, just who he had to upkeep and who he lived for.
And that was himself and only himself.
He had it already set in place, to uplift his family name with care for himself and a life biased by himself. And so, that was what he lived by and what he did, why he did everything and the bias towards every move set in place.
Which why it was disastrous to Akutagawa when he began to realize months back he had fallen for another.
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It had started slowly, the feelings. A tingle in his stomach or a flush that had been brushed off as a fever, but it would soon become too obvious and too situational for even him, one of the most romance-dense humans, to ignore.
Yes, he had got all lovey-dovey for Chuuya Nakahara, and as gross as it was, he was madly in love with him.
And so, their relationship would grow as his heart would force him to grow closer to him against his minds will, until soon he would find himself on his knees, lips pressed tight as he asks for a date.
And then another.
And another and another and another.
And soon, before he knows it, they’ve been dating for a year, and he’s no longer subject to pining, yet it still feels fresh and new and he still feels in love with a spreading madness and a care that reaches no ends. And he still loves him with every inch of his body and he loves him through the danger of their missions and the danger that his heart may suffer.
Yet he’s happy, he notices that he feels a warmth and a feeling like no other; Ryunosuke Akutagawa is happy and Ryunosuke Akutagawa has found love , and that is the strangest thing about this all.
However, he notices the danger it holds, and he notices what could happen but he also notices that with every danger comes the wish to continue, and he slowly feels his wishes die away; even so, he feels a worthwhile warmth in his chest and he realizes what it was and what was causing his feeling of dread when he would watch Chuuya go off on a mission, and he realizes the tightness in his chest to protect and what it means; He truly has fallen in love with this being, and he will let it drive him to his ends and past his limits.
And that is scary .
It truly is; He, one who values himself over others, has fallen so deeply, so madly in love that he now values another over himself, and he now has another wish; to protect this man with his own.
Which is why it’s so painfully hard when he learns the devastating fact that his only love had been locked up somewhere so far he can never reach him, and that he can never help nor will he ever be able to protect him like he wished.
It was a raging fury that bloomed in his chest, a new driving point and a new sadness that would bring him to his worst point, and to where he was now, after his many days and weeks of struggle and crying and breakdowns where he gasped against their blankets and sobbed his heart out as he grasped the air for what had been and he screams with all fury that had bottled up in his shell of a body because what he deared for was gone and lost and e could never save him, for he was too weak to ever do anything.
And that pain was what would lead him to what he thought never would happen, and to where he was now, an absolute mess as he stumbles across the city and through the cold with tears streaming down his face from another breakdown until he makes it to the building, the one he never had thought he would ever sink to and the one he would push himself forth through with violent force, and with a scream he would yell out for the one he never thought he would ask help from.
“ Jinko !”
And with that word, he knew he had come to his end, he knew he had made ways too far and he held too many wishes to do any less. He was truly at his downfall, and so he would come crashing down to his knees with a shaking fury that held only tears.
And so as he hears the stomping of the only one he knew to turn to, he hopes for the immediate separation from this world before he was to do what he had set out to fo; But it never happens, he only sees the feet of his arch nemesis in shocked ready, just before pounce as Akutagawa screams out again.
“Please!!” He coward, “Please, just bring him back..!”
And that was his downfall. That was the last words he ever uttered with what had been the core of Ryunosuke Akutagawa; and now what lay was a scared man gripping onto his sanity and the wish for his only lover back.
And so, he did what he could do, a shell of a man abandoning everything he knew, he screaming and he begged upon his knees for all he cared for back, and he continued sobbing until he would fall to a rest, and his voice would break where he truly realized what he had done, and he sits in his own shock and his own broken body for what was next, never uplifting his head for fear the rest would come crashing down.
Because all he longed for was to regain what he had lost, and to bring home Chuuya Nakahara, but instead he ended up breaking them both and bring them to a forever loss.