Chapter Text
So this is it. She’s packed her bags and she’s got nothing left to say. There's no more arguments to be made, no more nights for them to try and make it work. They've said their thank you's and their goodbyes, hugging each other painfully before Maggie pulls away and throws her bag over her shoulder to leave.
And while Maggie knows she said she's stronger for having been through this with Alex, all she really feels is hurt, angry, sad, worthless...she can't really keep track. Its just empty words meant to fill the space between being here and leaving. Because she's made her case. And Alex has made her choice.
It’s one Maggie knows she should have expected, should have protected herself from. But she couldn’t help believing this time would be different, that she would have a chance to actually be happy. That maybe Alex would love her the same way she loves Alex.
But she was wrong, again.
So with her heart lying broken in her chest, Maggie opens the door to leave another home. And somewhere in the back of her mind, she's at least grateful she isn't being thrown out of it again, that she gets to walk away on her own two feet. No injuries in sight, save the ones no one can see.
A small sob sounds behind her and Maggie forces herself to turn, just to look back on what she’s ruined. And Alex stands there crying, a painful reminder of exactly why Maggie is walking out of their home tonight.
She’s still the Alex that Maggie is in love with, albeit the bright smile being replaced with heavy tears that pour down her face. And it kills Maggie to know she's caused all of this pain to the girl she loves. Because she couldn't find a way to change, feel things that she couldn't feel...and Alex couldn't see the future Maggie could. So they’re left with nothing short of an irreconcilable difference over where they go from here.
She never meant to do this to Alex, to them. But then again, she never means to do anything to hurt people. It’s just what Maggie does, leave a path of hurt and damage behind her. And she doesn't know how after everything in her life, she thought she would ever be enough for this girl. Alex deserves more than her, more than Maggie could ever be. And the acknowledgment tears through Maggie, cutting her deeper than any knife will ever reach.
But for some reason, the pain Maggie feels seems worth it this time. Because at least she got to love Alex, even if it was only for a little while. And given the choice, Maggie knows she would do it all over again, even if this is exactly where she’d end up. Mostly because falling for Alex hadn’t ever been Maggie’s choice, it was something far stronger than the logic and guarded walls she hides her feelings behind.
So after everything, to be losing Alex, Maggie knows she deserves the agony that clings to her soul.
But now she stands right in this moment, her future without Alex waiting past the door's open threshold...and the life she desperately wants, crying in the living room. And Maggie wants so badly to fall to her knees and beg for her heart back, beg to stay here so she can hold the only girl she’s ever wanted to spend her life with. But she knows what the answer will be, what it always is.
And yet she still finds herself shuffling back towards Alex a little, fingers digging harshly into the strap of her bag to keep herself together. The door clicks shut behind her, as if signalling a timer for how long she has left in this place she’ll always call home.
She's already given everything, there's nothing left for her to lose by giving it another shot. It's not as if she's going to break any further than the pieces she's already in. So Maggie tries one more time, to ask for something she knows she can’t... knows she doesn’t deserve to have.
“Please.” Maggie whispers across the quiet room, pleading with Alex, wishing she could go to her and hold on for dear life.
But Alex chokes at the request, hands covering her face as she looks away. Maggie can see her trying to compose herself, wiping harshly at her eyes. And she can feel the inevitable coming between her and Alex one final time, knows what she's about to hear.
“We can't, Maggie.” Alex breathes out almost inaudibly, turning back to face the detective.
All Maggie can do is nod, hearing the words echo in her head. She allows herself to move forward and embrace Alex once more, committing everything she can about this girl to her memory. Because she doesn't think she'll ever be this close to her again. And as Alex hugs her tightly, there's nothing Maggie can think of to make things right, to make things easier for them, for herself. Because Maggie's not ever going to be as important as she thought she was to Alex. They haven't ended up being the team she thought they were.
And so, even though Maggie doesn't know how to let Alex go...she knows she's been holding on too long. She knows they're out of time.
So she pulls away, wiping at her eyes to try and stay strong, pushing herself back to the door. She can feel her legs shaking under the weight of her failure as she pulls it open again, trying desperatly not to collapse against the wood.
And Maggie looks to Alex and says the only thing she hopes will give some closure. To try keep the memories Alex has of her happy and untainted by the pain she's inflicted over the past weeks.
“See you around Danvers.” Maggie smiles sadly, tears running down her jaw.
She feels the rest of her heart shatter to pieces as Alex tries to smile back brokenly.
“Yeah, I'll see you Mags.” She whispers, gaze falling to the floor.
Taking a breath, Maggie forces herself to step outside, reality hitting her in the face as she glances to the elevators down the hall. It tugs at her chest and she can't help looking back. Just to see Alex one last time. And Maggie knows she'll go to bed every night dreaming that this girl will love her in the morning.
But she won't.
Alex doesn't have any obligation to care about her ever again once she closes this door. So Maggie holds it open slightly, hand bracing against the handle as the conflict rages inside of her, head and heart finding the strength to battle again.
But Alex deserves the things she wants in life, she deserves happiness. And Maggie knows she can’t really give that to her anymore. Knows that the love she has isn’t enough to change how Alex feels.
So taking a final look at her home, Maggie finds Alex’s eyes with her own. She can feel the fragments of her heart try in vain to let this girl go. But they aren’t ever going to be Maggie’s to command again, always listening for Alex’s voice to instruct them to be whole. Always waiting for the chance to beat for Alex again.
And it forces Maggie to accept that she won’t ever get over what she’s leaving behind right now. That she’s losing herself to Alex and never getting any part back. Her heart is never going to belong to anyone else, not even herself, ever again.
But If Maggie’s being honest, she doesn’t mind that anyway, finding solace in the fact that she won’t have to keep looking for a love she’s already lost. That she can just find a way to live with herself, until she doesn’t even have to do that anymore.
So she tries to find the words to say goodbye, to say she loves Alex and that she’s sorry. But the words sound empty in Maggie's head, repeated to death and not worth saying to this amazing girl choking back tears in front of her. They probably mean nothing coming from Maggie anyway.
“You're gonna be a great mom.” She whispers sincerely, hoping Alex will forgive her a little for all the fights they’re ending their relationship on. Hoping Alex will forgive her for not being strong enough to be what she needs.
And as Alex looks up at her with tears in her eyes, Maggie closes the door.