Work Text:
Phil’s just finishing brushing his teeth when he hears his phone ring from where he left it on his bed. It’s so unexpected and jarring in the quiet of the night that he jumps, dropping his toothbrush on the floor in the process. He swears and hurries back to his room before the noise has a chance to wake his parents.
He can’t remember the last time someone called him this late. He goes to silence it, but he freezes. It’s Dan. Dan’s calling him, at nearly 1 am. His irritation is replaced with bewilderment. Phil’d had his phone with him before he went to brush his teeth, and he hadn’t gotten anything from him the entire day except for their usual good morning texts.
“Dan?” he answers, failing to keep his confusion out of his voice.
“Um. Hey.”
He holds his breath as he waits for Dan to say something else. His heart stutters in his chest, and not in the nice, fuzzy way he’s used to.
They text, they Skype, they IM, but speaking on the phone isn’t something they typically do unless there’s a reason. In the last call Phil remembers, he’d picked up the phone to a furious, nearly incoherent Dan. He’d calmed him down enough to learn he’d gotten into a fight with his dad and had stormed out of the house for a walk in the dead of night. Looking back, it really wasn’t a huge deal for an eighteen-year-old to be out on his own, but he’ll never forget the dread and helplessness he felt as he tried to convince Dan to go back to his home where he was safe.
Phil has to force his way through the fear to make his voice work. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”
“What? Oh, shit, no, I’m fine.” Dan lets out his laughter in a single burst, like Phil surprised him. “Nothing happened.”
“Oh.” The tension that had overtaken him dissipates. “Then... what’s up?”
“Uh, nothing’s up, really. I was just kinda bored.”
“Oh,” Phil says again. “I can get on Skype, if you want?”
“No, no,” comes Dan’s voice as Phil is sitting down on his bed and reaching for his laptop he’d haphazardly left on the floor. “I’m out, actually. Or was. I’m walking home now.”
That explains the faint background noises that Phil can now recognize as the bustle of the streets and Dan’s clothes swishing. His breathing is pretty loud, so he must be walking quickly. There’s something oddly surreal about talking to Dan out and about while Phil is sitting in the comfort of his own home.
“Okay. Well, I’m just here. In my room, I mean. Just changed into my pyjamas and was getting ready for bed before you called.”
The swishing noises come to a stop. When he hears Dan’s voice, it sounds like he’s stifling a laugh. “Are you trying to start something? Gonna ask me what I’m wearing?”
“I—no!” Phil sputters. Dan laughs properly now, a little more restrained than usual as he’s likely around people. He’s sure Dan’s joke would’ve been a lot dirtier if he was alone, too. Dan always likes catching Phil off-guard like that.
Dan’s laughter fades but Phil can’t think of anything to say. He doesn’t know why it feels so different on the phone when they’ve talked countless times on Skype. Maybe he’s still reeling from the novelty of it.
“So. How was your day?” he asks, slightly cringing at how stiff he sounds.
“Um, it was okay. I was out with some old mates. Kinda fun.”
Phil lays down and shifts around to get more comfortable. “Really? I thought you said you felt weird hanging out with them. Or were those different ones?”
“Huh? Oh... right. I told you about that.”
Phil fumbles. “Sorry. Should I have not said that?”
“No, I’m just thinking. I mean, yeah, it’s kind of weird. I think I already told you, how it’s like, they’re all off to uni already. Some already have a bloody job. So, so for me, I feel…”
Phil is already prepared with words of comfort, but Dan lets out an unexpected huff. “Okay, this is so not what I called you to talk about. And I already know what you’d say, we’ve talked about it a million times. It’s fine, I’m fine.”
“If you’re sure,” Phil says quietly. He rolls over to his side and uses his free hand to pull up his duvet and bunch it up. He hugs it to his chest like he would a pillow and lets out a sigh once he’s cozy.
“Yeah. So what have you been up to, then?” Dan asks.
“Mm, not much really. I should’ve filmed a video. Today was kind of a fail.” His voice has already gone deep and mumbly with sleep. He probably should’ve stayed standing up.
“That’s okay sometimes. And a fail for you is like normal for me, so.”
There goes Dan’s self-deprecation. It still makes Phil uncomfortable, in the way it highlights his powerlessness. He used to argue and reassure and prod every time it happened, and he occasionally still does. But if he tried to do so for every off-hand jab Dan made at himself, they’d never talk about anything else. Knowing that doesn’t help the guilt and heartache that swirls in his gut whenever Dan belittles himself, though.
He’s torn out of his thoughts by Dan’s voice. “Hey, I kind of want to say something, but I don’t know if it’s clingy or weird, and I don’t know if it’s worth the risk.”
It takes Phil a moment to process what he said, because the change in his tone is so jarring. He sounds stiff, formal, rehearsed. He almost wonders if Dan practiced it before calling him. But he quickly realizes he shouldn’t leave Dan hanging.
“Dan, I won’t think… You don’t have to worry about that.” He searches his brain in a panic to try and sound somewhat convincing. “And even if, I mean, even if it was like that, I wouldn’t mind.”
He really wouldn’t. But Dan’s fears aren’t completely unfounded. There were a couple times early on that Dan came on a little too strong, a little too honest, and it scared Phil. It scared him, just how little it bothered him. It made him realize that he’d been thinking the same things, and that had been new. He’d never experienced anything deeper than a crush before. He tries not to remember it, but he’d been so unprepared to handle those feelings, his reactions probably caused Dan a lot of distress.
He can actually hear Dan swallow and inhale. “Okay. Well, I was… I was out with them and all, and it’s not like we even talked about dating or anything that could’ve like, reminded me. But at some point I was just. Just thinking about you. Completely off in my own world and everything.”
Phil’s not sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t that. Warmth curls in his chest and a smile tugs on his lips. He hopes his voice doesn’t crack. “Yeah?”
“It’s actually embarrassing. Like, all I could think was, what if it was you I was hanging out with? I was basically fucking daydreaming about spending the day with you.” Dan lets out a short, derisive laugh. “Which is stupid, because we’ve been together a lot by now. And probably unhealthy, like, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be all fuck-off with your friends when you get with someone.”
Dan’s talking a mile a minute. Phil suddenly wishes more than anything that he could see his face.
“But just, I was like… It made me think of how cool it’d be if we could just be together like that. With no deadline or countdown or anything. And—and I know!” The rise in his voice almost makes Phil jump. “I know we already talked about it. When I go to uni and stuff, then it’ll be like that. It just… reminded me. How good that’ll be.”
Phil waits to see if Dan has more to say, but he seems to be done. For a few moments he hears nothing but the sound of a car’s horn.
“Dan, I…” Phil trails off and swallows. At some point butterflies had burst in his stomach and they still haven’t subsided.
He hates how he doesn’t know what to say in moments like these. In person he can pull Dan close, he can caress his cheek and hope to convey how he feels through tenderness alone. On Skype he can do that silly hand-heart thing or hide his face in his arm to show how affected he is. Like this, without the aid of vision or touch, he struggles. Phil’s always been bad with words. And the longer he searches for the right ones, the longer the silence lasts.
Thankfully, Dan doesn’t wait for him to continue. “So I called. I wanted to hear your voice.” He sucks in a breath. “Sorry, that was cheesy. I mean, I did, but… um. And like, sorry if calling was weird. I know we don’t really do that.”
A part of Phil wants to bask in the contentment, to quietly ride out the waves of flutters coursing through his body. But he can tell Dan’s feeling awkward, and his urge to comfort him overrides everything else.
“I wish you could feel my heartbeat right now,” Phil blurts out, because apparently that’s the best thing his brain can come up with to express his current feelings.
“I… what?” Dan asks incredulously.
“You.” Phil clears his throat. “You don’t have to be so nervous, or like, careful? Because just lying here, listening to you, I’m...” He shakes his head before he realizes Dan can’t see him. “I feel so… Basically, it’s not just you. I’m so—I’m so into you, Dan.”
Dan definitely knows all of that already. They’ve shared vulnerability and secrets and intimacy enough times by now that it really shouldn’t be anything significant, so Phil’s not sure why he’s acting like he’s telling Dan he loves him for the first time. But there’s something in the energy between them that feels that way, that makes Phil’s palms sweat like he’s still that overexcited mess with frayed nerves waiting for Dan at the Piccadilly station.
He expects to Dan to laugh it off, or maybe say something sweet back, depending on his mood. But the line’s quiet, and Phil almost says something before he hears a strange squeak.
“Shut up,” comes Dan’s whiny voice. “You wanker, you can’t just say that!”
Phil breaks out into a smile almost immediately and can’t contain a giggle. He didn’t think there was anything particularly embarrassing about what he was saying, but Dan gets flustered by the oddest things.
“You were the one rambling about your love to me. I can’t even say I’m into you?”
“It’s different! I wasn’t expecting it. And I’m in public, so thanks for that.”
There’s a shrillness to his voice that Phil’s familiar with. He’s probably blushing. It’s chilly outside, so he assumes he’d already been tinged a pleasant shade of pink. But when he’s embarrassed, Dan always flushes with this splotchy deep red that Phil loves to point out, which only serves to intensify it. And his hair’s probably gone that mussed-up type of wavy from the wind and humidity, too. God, he wishes he could be there, so he could tease him about it and laugh and try to run away as Dan smacked him. Or kissed him, if he decided that was a more effective way of shutting Phil up. He loves when Dan does that.
A pang of something cold shoots through his chest. Listening to Dan, he’d mainly been flattered that Dan had been thinking of him. He hadn’t truly been processing what he’d been saying. Now that he can, it just reminds him how much he wants the same.
He wants a future with Dan where their time together isn’t limited. He wants it so bad it’s painful, even knowing that all he has to do is wait. The thought of a life like that is exhilarating, it’s dazzling, it’s terrifying. But he has enough experience with his own brain to know that he can’t wait until he’s ready. He’ll always be unprepared. And now, when things are finally starting to feel like they’re falling into place, he’s not going to let his overthinking sabotage him.
“Well, sorry. I can’t help it,” Phil says, voice gone soft.
“Yeah, whatever,” Dan grumbles.
There’s a silence that stretches on now, but the awkwardness from earlier is gone. Phil closes his eyes and breathes slowly, trying to wane off the biting loneliness that had gripped him.
“No, but seriously, I hope it was okay I called,” Dan eventually says. “It’s actually pretty fucking late now that I think about it. Shit. And all to say some soppy crap.”
Phil opens his eyes and rolls over onto his back. The idea of Dan thinking he could be bothering him is laughable.
“Dan, you can call me whenever you want to. You don’t even have to have a reason.” A strange fear that he’s sounding cocky flashes through his mind. “I—I mean. Not just, can. I’d like it. Like talking to you.”
Phil has to restrain himself from facepalming or rolling back over and shoving his face in his pillow. He definitely ruined the mood a bit at the end. But if Dan notices, he doesn’t mention it.
“Thanks, Phil.”
Dan’s voice is soft in a way Phil’s only heard a few times before. He doesn’t want to overreact, but he can’t help it. The sheer amount of affection he feels coming from those few syllables leaves him blushing. Actual, full-on blushing. He thanks the stars that Dan had called when he did and not a little earlier when he’d been watching a show with his mum.
“I want to see you,” Phil says so quietly he’s not sure if his phone picks it up.
“I do too, Phil.” The gentleness in Dan’s voice makes Phil want to squirm. “But we will, soon. And eventually… we won’t even think of it as seeing each other. It’ll just be how it is. We’ll be around each other so much we’ll wish we could get some alone time. Yeah?”
Phil laughs and is surprised by how choked up he sounds. He doesn’t know when things switched to Dan comforting him, but he’s thankful for it. “I can’t picture that happening, but okay.”
“We have all the time in the world to look forward to. Like, in the grand scheme of everything, we’re really just at the beginning. Of us. We… we’ll...” Dan trails off and laughs softly. “I’m gonna stop myself before I come on too strong, like usual.”
He doesn’t have to hear it to know what Dan’s thinking about. They’ve only properly discussed their plans for when Dan goes to university in Manchester. They’ve gushed over how Phil would have a flat of his own, how Dan could visit him whenever they felt like it. But there’s been enough off-hand mentions of forever, enough cut-off ramblings like this one, that they both know they’re thinking of more. They’ve simply been dancing around qualifying it, as if there’d be anyone in the space between the two of them to judge them for moving too fast.
He supposes they should get it out in the open at some point, but not now. For now he’ll enjoy the giddiness, the bumbling navigation of this thing he was so desperate for, yet still can’t believe he has.
“Yeah. You’re right. I’m just being weird,” Phil says.
“Trust me, if you’re weird, I don’t even want to know what I am.” The background noises had disappeared at some point, and now all that came through the line was Dan’s low voice. “Anyway… I’m home. Freezing my tits off. And I’ve done enough embarrassing rambling for one night.”
“Shooing me away, are you?”
“Shut up.” Phil can picture the smile on Dan’s face from his tone. “Be on Skype tomorrow, will you?”
“I dunno, I’m a busy guy. Maybe if you’re lucky.”
“Whatever you need to tell yourself. And sorry, but I really gotta go. Love you.”
The way Phil’s stomach swoops is almost violent. He really needs to get used to that already. “Love you too.”
“Okay, bye.”
“Bye.”
He waits for the line to disconnect as he pulls the duvet over himself, but it doesn’t happen.
“Oh my god, we are not doing that you hang up first shit,” Dan says.
“You said bye first, that means you do it.”
“Yeah, and I’m just gonna do it. I won’t let you rope me into this.”
“Then do it. It’s fine. I’ll just be here, lonely and—”
Then Dan actually hangs up, and Phil can’t help but laugh out loud. He plugs his phone into its charger and settles down. The heartache from early isn’t completely gone, but the warmth in his chest balances it out.
It’s a strange feeling, being aware that he’s at a turning point in his life. If he looks back a year, he didn’t know who Dan was. A year into the future he hopes to be sharing his life with him, at least on some small level.
The part that petrifies him is not knowing what that life will look like. He worries about Youtube, he worries about Dan experiencing life on his own for the first time. He worries about being left behind, about choosing a path that Dan doesn’t want to follow.
The only comfort he can find is in the knowledge that no matter how things turn out, the experiences he’s had so far are worth it on their own. He’s happy he met Dan, and there’s surely no way the future can tarnish that.
Before he drifts off, he hears his phone ding with a text notification. With half his brain already in dreamland, he just burrows deeper into his pillow and resigns to reading them tomorrow.
***
sry i had to go so fast, i felt weird standing in front of my house so late talking when my parents could hear me T_T
hope i didn’t weird u out. i actually called bc i was happy, idk if that came thru.
i’m excited. which as u prob know by now, is a new feeling for me when it comes to my future xD
idk, i just wanted u to know it. and i know ur excited too. and that makes me happy :]
ur prob sleeping by now. skype tomorrow or i’ll go to ur house and fill ur pillowcase with bees. gnight phil <3