Chapter Text
Her hands, they were always so cold.
Cold when they were on his neck squeezing so hard he could almost feel something give underneath her fingers. Cold when they would slap him across the face and cold when she pushed him way too close to the heat of their stove.
But sometimes her hands were warm, or maybe that was his father, it could even be someone different all together. When he was able to feel them he was already too far gone in the pain to know. Those hands would soothe and rub something onto where it hurt the most, it would make the pain melt away as if it was never there but he knew better. His body knew better.
Her hands hurt him but her words made him shatter. She would hold his hair with her cold hands as she pushed his head into the bathtub filled with lukewarm water. He pressed his hands into his lap as she roughly washed his hair.
“If you weren't so useless you'd know how to wash your hair by now.” He was only 4.
He flexed his fingers around his knees feeling little blisters on his hands pop from the movement. He hissed softly under his breath which got him a slap to the back of his head.
“Sorry,” he mumbled softly under his breath as he pressed back onto the porcelain of the tub. “My….my hands hurt.”
“Well, maybe if you knew how to use your quirk you wouldn't have burned yourself.” She grabbed the shower head and washed his hair out before tossing a towel over his head.
“Sorry.” He didn't dare look up as he dried himself off.
Her words were like knives in his chest.
“You can't be a hero if you can't even use your quirk.”
“Can't take a hit without crying, huh? Pathetic.”
“Do you think All Might tells other people's secrets? Don't you dare spill a word of what happened.”
“You're useless, can't even cook dinner.”
“Sorry…..I'll do better.” He looked down at his hands, they were always warm. Warm, he liked warm.
Katsuki liked being outside, his mom wasn't outside. It was just him and others who wouldn't hurt him. Who couldn't hurt him.
Outside he was the hero he wanted to be. Outside he was Bakugo, not Katsuki. He didn't like the sound of that name. It grated against his heart and made his stomach churn with disgust.
He liked to stay outside for long hours hoping his mother would be asleep by the time he came back. It never worked but he still hoped every time.
He never liked to be touched by others, no one was allowed too close. No one.
But then he was there. He fell and got his clothes wet (she was going to be mad) and he offered his hand. He was so close to him, his hand hovered inches near his face and he couldn't take it.
He realized a few seconds after he had pushed him that he was offering him help. That was even worse. He wasn't supposed to get help. Help made him weak. Asking for help got him punished. But what if help was forced upon him? Was it his fault? Was he in the wrong for somebody else holding out their hand to him?
He didn't want to think about it.
He couldn't think about it.
He just had to make it stop.
Every single time he would come to his aid he'd repeat in his head the same things his mother would.
‘You don't need his help, you don't need his help. Useless useless useless useless uselessuselessuselessuseless’
“Useless.”
“That's mean Kacchan don't call me that.”
It felt good. It felt real. It didn't taste bitter on his tongue when it was about someone else.
So he did it again. “Useless.”
“Kacchan!” And now he was crying. It felt nice to not be the one sobbing for once.
So he made him do it again. He did everything he could to ease his own pain. He didn't care if it hurt him. He just wanted his to go away.
“Wow look! You have ‘Deku’ in your name! You really are useless!”
(“And you aren't Katsuki? You're just as useless as he is you stupid brat.” He didn't want to listen.)
“Stop crying Deku, heros don't cry!”
(“Stop being a little bitch Katsuki! Heros don't fucking cry!” He knew she was right.)
“Fuck off Deku! I don't need your fucking help!”
(“Shut up Katsuki. The neighbors are going to hear and if I get any complaints I'm gonna beat your ass even harder.” Why wouldn't the pain stop?)
“Just because you saved me don't think I owe you anything Deku.”
(“I heard you got caught by a villain, and you think you can get into UA? You can't even protect yourself against some fucking low tier sewage monster? God you really are useless .” He was, wasn't he? He really fucking is.)
He blinked as he looked down at the ball in his hand. Ah, that's right. He was taking a test. It was his first day at his dream school. He rolled it in his hands before sending it off with a parting message.
“Die!”