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"Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts." - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
The brilliant blue sky looked down at them in mockery when the bitter November wind buffeted them from all directions. Seungyoon clenched his teeth to keep them from chattering.
“It is colder than a witch’s tit out here…” Seungyoon heard a murmur behind him. He did not need to turn around to know it was Mino. “And we’re shooting summer clothes…”
“We can go back to the dressing area. Jinwoo hyung just got started.” Seungyoon was more than happy to go back indoors where hot coffee and pocket warmers were abundant.
“Nah, it’s my turn soon. Plus I wanna see how Jinwoo hyung does the trampoline shot.”
Seungyoon was also interested how that shot would play out, which was why he was out freezing his balls and other appendages watching.
He leaned backwards a little bit, his back pressed lightly to Mino’s front. Heat immediately began to seep into his jacket. He sighed in relief.
“Using me as a human heater again, Seungyoon...” Mino put his chin on Seungyoon’s shoulder, pulling their bodies flush against each other.
“You’re always warm. Like a radiator. It’s such a waste not to use the heat.” He grinned. The urge to press closer as almost irresistible. He did not really see a reason to fight it, so he did just that.
They were interrupted by one of the stylists, “Excuse me, Seungyoon, we need you for the fire escape photos. Also, Mino, you're up for hair and wardrobe.”
Seungyoon’s mouth involuntarily pouted at the loss of warmth when Mino reluctantly separated from him.
“Stay cozy.” Mino clapped him consolingly on the shoulder and made his way back to the dressing area.
He sighed and followed the staff to the fire exit location where Seunghoon was having his pictures taken. He was dreading having to go up there, and if the wind whipping at Seunghoon’s clothes and hair was any indication, it would be ten times worse up there.
When the lanky rapper was done, he painstakingly clambered down the metal ladder of the fire escape. The crew standing by had his long windbreaker ready and wrapped him in it.
“Waaah, it’s so cold up there, dude. I thought my hands were going to stick to the railing.” Seunghoon whined.
“You’re doing the trampoline next, right?” Seunghoon asked flexing his nearly frozen fingers. They started aching in the morning when they headed out for the photoshoot. He was up almost all night composing in the studio and he may have overworked his fingers playing the guitar. They sometimes gave him pain in the colder weather.
“Yeah. Watch out dude, that ladder is a bit tricky. It wobbles the higher you get.” With that, Seunghoon followed the staff to the next location.
Yoon took off his long coat and started up the ladder. He discovered that Seunghoon was exactly right. The metal bars of the ladder were so cold he felt the ache in his knuckles upon contact. He gritted his teeth as he was told to hang on and pose. The precarious height made him apprehensive, especially since the wind was swaying the entire contraption he was holding on to.
He was just glad that there were staff members above and below him on standby, in case he needed help. Internally cursing, he did as the photographers told him, giving his all into pretending that was he relaxed and not cold at all.
While the photographer was reviewing the raw photos, they were given five minutes in between to retouch hair and makeup. Seungyoon was wrapped in his long coat and they pushed hot packs into his hands. He was just concentrating on keeping warm as his brain moved at sluggish pace.
“Sorry, Seungyoon, please bear it a little bit more, we will be done soon.” One of the producers saw his death grip on the hot packs and started chafing his hands for more warmth.
They were called in once more with the worried looking photographer. “Seungyoon, it seems we need to redo the shots again, the first ones were out of focus.”
Fuck.
The producer looked at Seungyoon and intervened, “Maybe we can take a short break, it is too cold…”
Rest for half an hour then go back out in the cold weather?
“It’s fine. Let’s get it over with, we might lose light.” Seungyoon cut in, taking off the long coat and stuffing the hot packs into the pockets. Immediately, he felt his body losing whatever heat it gained the past few minutes.
With more worried glances, they continued with the shoot. His hands were beyond feeling the ache of his fingers. After a while, he just zoned out, following whatever the photographer was telling him to do. He just wanted the shoot to be over. The thin shirt he was wearing did nothing to protect him. He couldn’t contain his shivers anymore.
“That’s enough. He’s had enough.” He heard a deep voice cut through the wind. Seungyoon looked down just in time to see Mino clamber up the ladder towards him, his face furious. Was he mad at Seungyoon?
“We’re almost done.” Seungyoon muttered, physically unable to unclench his jaws, he was so cold.
“No. You’ve done enough.” It sounded like Mino was also gritting his teeth as he reached him. Next thing he knew, Seungyoon was enveloped in blissful warmth that he involuntarily sank into it.
“Fuck. Yoon. You’re freezing.” Mino growled, tightening his arms around him. Seungyoon snaked his arms under Mino’s coat and burrowed into him, pressing his face into his neck, breathing in the warm, woodsy smell. “Fuck.” Mino flinched when Seungyoon’s cold nose touched his neck.
“I’m s-so c-cold.” Now that Seungyoon felt some sort of warmth, his body reminded him that it was cold for a long time, that he was helplessly, convulsively shuddering.
If it was even possible, Mino tightened his arms so much that it was almost painful. Subconsciously, Seungyoon felt his own coat was draped over him, along with several blankets. His body was so tense that he ached everywhere.
“Shh, I know. I’m sorry.” Mino murmured, Seungyoon felt his lips move behind his ear.
Seungyoon belatedly realized that they were sitting on the fire exit landing. How did they get there? He didn’t care. All he cared about was leeching more heat from Mino. He was curled between Mino’s legs, his body in full maximum contact with the rapper. He couldn’t remember ever being this cold that he was thankful for whatever heat he could get. Then he felt his hands being pried from their death grip on Mino’s shirt. Seungyoon whined.
“Shh…” Mino soothed again. “I am just going to warm up your hands, Yoonie.”
As uncomfortable as their positions were, he was shifted and Seungyoon felt Mino’s strong fingers massage life back into his reddened ones. The sudden flow of blood made him aware that they were throbbing terribly.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Mino whispered into his hair. “Don’t cry, Yoon. Please don’t cry.”
Cry? He wasn’t crying. “I’m not crying.” He mumbled and Mino brushed his face comfortingly and felt the wetness on his cheek.
He was just so miserable and tired and cold and aching.
“What happened?” A voice interjected, and Seungyoon was crowded by another warm body that he recognized as Seunghoon. The two rappers squeezed him between their bodies, the older rapper more frantic when he saw the youngest’s tear stained face. “Are you hurt, Yoonie? Where does it hurt?” Panicked hands patted Seungyoon to check for injuries.
“He was in the cold for more than forty five minutes.” Mino sounded angry again that Seungyoon pushed his head under the rapper’s chin. “It’s fucking negative two degrees up here and he’s wearing a shirt.”
“Fuck.” Now the older rapper sounded mad too.
“M-my fault.” Seungyoon stuttered. “I ins-s-sisted t-to c-continue.” His trembling form had the two rappers tensing once more.
A cup was pressed against his lips. Seungyoon turned his head away, trying to hide into Mino.
“Drink, Yoon. It’s hot tea.” Seunghoon urged.
He shook his head.
“Please drink, for us, Yoonie.” Mino’s voice sounded sad. With a sigh, Seungyoon took the proffered cup, only for it to be taken back as his hands were still shaking that the contents sloshed dangerously.
“Easy.” Seunghoon helped him with the cup. The first timid mouthful burned its way down his throat that the relief of it had him go slack against his hyungs. The grips of the cold was slowly replaced by warmth that he was left with only the exhaustion.
When he was done with the tea, he let Mino hug him close again and rested against him.
“We’re taking you home, Yoon.” Seunghoon said, taking a hold of his stiff hands and rubbed them between his own.
Home? But the shoot? “The photoshoot?” He asked, finally taking a look around, seeing the concerned faces of the staff, he felt a prickle of embarrassment for causing such inconvenience to everyone.
Their manager was close by their small huddle and gave Seungyoon a reassuring pat. “I spoke to the photographer, Seungyoon. He said that they got all the photos needed for today. He’s very sorry for not realizing that it was too cold up here.”
Seungyoon may have imagined Mino growl under his breath in disapproval, but he definitely saw Seunghoon’s face tighten at the mention of this oversight. Seungyoon bit his lip in consternation. He should have known better, it was his fault for not knowing his own limits.
“Can you stand, Yoon? Let’s get you out of here.” Mino literally stood him up, carefully bracing Seungyoon against him.
They made the slow descent down the ladder with Mino going right before him and Seunghoon waiting below. It took a bit of time, since with the absence of the two rappers, Seungyoon was shaking once again, and his tired muscles were protesting having to exert any sort of coordination.
The van was waiting for them when he finally made it down, Mino clasped Seungyoon close to him and ushered him in.
Overwhelming lethargy took over him as he settled into his member already seated in the van, uncaring how his body landed. Gentle fingers moved over his cheek comfortingly, “We might need to take you to the doctor, Seungyoon.”
Jinwoo.
Seungyoon protested. All he wanted was to go home and sleep. He was so tired.
“That’s okay… Hush. We’ll take you home.” Jinwoo rubbed his arm when Seungyoon was becoming restless.
“But if it looks like you’re getting sick, we’re going to take you to the hospital, okay?” Seunghoon’s voice came from the front seat.
He nodded against Jinwoo’s shoulder and closed his eyes.
*
Mino wanted to hit something. This was not the first time Seungyoon disregarded the limits of his body. But this. Risking hypothermia for a stupid shoot? He was already working hard enough on a regular day. Staying up all night, composing, recording and researching, sometimes not even going home. Seunghoon had called Mino frequently to ask whether their youngest was in Mino and Jinwoo’s apartment and they always ended up picking him up from his studio.
His eyes met Jinwoo’s worried ones, while their oldest member cradled Seungyoon into him. Mino felt his lips tighten as he absently warmed Seunyoon’s fingers between his own.
They finally made it to the dorms, after what felt like the longest ride ever. Jinwoo reluctantly woke Seungyoon. “Yoonie, we’re here.” His gentle voice roused the younger. Seungyoon tried to snuggle closer.
“Can you make it up there?” Mino asked. No answer. “Do you need me to carry you?”
Silence. Nod.
A bolt of apprehension struck all of them. For Seungyoon to admit weakness to the extent of accepting assistance walking, meant that he was that depleted.
“Okay, hold on to me.” Mino murmured and carefully positioned Seungyoon on his back. The youngest draped his arms limply over Minos shoulders, not really holding on and pushed his face in Mino’s neck. The rapper’s heart squeezed at the apparent vulnerability that their usually vibrant leader did not show.
The trek back to the dog house was eerily quiet. Their manager flanking them, casting worried looks at the members.
“Yoon, I will run you a hot bath to soak okay?” Seunghoon ran his hand on Seungyoon’s back.
“No. I just want to sleep.“ Seungyoon mumbled, rubbing his face (and probably makeup as well) on Mino’s shirt.
Mino gently laid Seungyoon on his bed and arranged him comfortably under the blankets.
“We’ll keep an eye on him, hyung.” Seunghoon dismissed their manager who was also reluctant to leave. Mino, not really knowing what to do, lay down beside Seungyoon and started playing games on his phone. Seunghoon and Jinwoo were in the kitchen cooking for all of them.
In no time, Jinwoo came in with a steaming mug of tea, kneeling beside the bed. “Yoonie, I have tea for you. It will make you feel better.” With astounding strength that was out of place with his delicate looks, Jinwoo manhandled Seungyoon into a sitting position that had the younger whine and pout grumpily.
“Drink.” Using authority rarely exerted being the eldest, Jinwoo pushed the mug against Seungyoon’s lips. “It’s lukewarm, you can drink it right away.”
Mino watched as Seungyoon ineffectually turn his head away only to be forced by Jinwoo to drink again.
“Too sweet.” Seungyoon complained.
“Which is good for you. You need sugar to get you back up again.”
Heedless of Seungyoon’s whines and struggles, Jinwoo had him finish the entire mug. When he was done, Seungyoon turned to Mino and nosedived into his chest, hiding from their oldest member.
Mino chuckled, amused by Seungyoon, the rare moment that their youngest acted like the youngest and pulled him closer.
“There, there. I’ll protect you from the mean hyung, Yoonie.” Mino teased.
Jinwoo sort of expelled air from his nose haughtily, but ruffled Seungyoon’s hair anyway. His color improved compared to a few minutes ago, so whatever was in that tea, Mino was grateful.
Lulled by the domestic sounds coming from the kitchen, Seunghoon no doubt cooking something and the tv droning on at a low volume, Mino pressed his cheek to Seungyoon’s soft curls and fell asleep.
*
“Hoon. Hoony.” Jinwoo’s soft voice filtered through his restless thoughts and looked at Jinwoo.
“Your face is gonna freeze like that.” The oldest member said. Seunghoon immediately realized how tense his facial muscles were in light of everything that happened during the day. He sighed and chopped the vegetables needed for the soup he was preparing.
A smaller hand settled on top of the one Seunghoon was holding the knife with, which stilled his actions. “You know Seungyoon.” Jinwoo said kindly.
“I know him.” Seunghoon affirmed. “I should have known he would push himself. I should have known he was tired from the night before. I should have-”
Arms wrapped around his middle tightly and a soft cheek on his shoulder blade. “It’s not your fault.”
Seunghoon let the calm words wash over him, and slowly, surely, the helplessness he felt melted away, leaving only his stark disappointment in himself.
“He already tries to do so much.” Seunghoon put his hand on the ones clasped around him. “I wish he relied on us more. After Taehyun-”
“That wasn’t your fault either.” Jinwoo cut in firmly, with a strong squeeze. “Lee Seunghoon, you and Mino need to get that into your thick skulls.”
Silence pervaded the kitchen and only the sound of the bubbling pot was heard.
“No force on earth could have made Taehyun stay if he wanted to leave. Even if I wished otherwise. Even if I begged-” Jinwoo’s abruptly stopped.
Seunghoon twined his fingers with the smaller ones, feeling the fine tremor there.
“It wasn’t your fault, okay?” The older said thickly. “ It wasn’t anyone’s fault. This isn’t your fault either.”
“I get it.” Seunghoon’s internal turmoil calmed completely in the face of Jinwoo’s emotional reassurance. “I wish you’d stop blaming yourself too.”
Silence.
“Let’s do our best, okay?” Jinwoo whispered into his shoulder.
“Okay.”
*
Mino was pulled to wakefulness when his bed was literally vibrating. He blearily opened his eyes and saw an unfamiliar clock that indicated it was 1 in the morning.
A pained whimper jolted him to full awareness and turned to his side where Seungyoon lay into a literal ball of misery.
“Yoonie? What’s wrong?” He ran his hand up and down Seungyoon’s back to comfort the younger who had his face planted into the pillow. He ran his hand soothingly over what he could reach, noting that Seungyoon was slightly hotter than normal. Not feverish, but definitely not okay.
“Mino.” A small utterance. “Hurts.”
Mino’s chest squeezed as if the very word inflicted pain on him as well. “Tell me where, Yoonie. Where does it hurt?” He asked urgently.
“Everywhere.” Was the disconsolate reply. “Hurts everywhere.”
Mino tried to touch Seungyoon’s face and encountered the wetness on the pillow.
“Aww, Yoon. Don’t cry. Here. Come here.” Mino pulled the younger up with surprising lack of resistance. Seungyoon latched on to Mino, shivering miserably and clutching at the rapper’s shirt. His face found its favorite place on Mino’s shoulder, wetting the cloth there with the involuntary tears that escaped his closed eyelids.
“Shhh… I’m sorry.” He rocked the younger back and forth. “Hospital?” He whispered.
Seungyoon shook his head. Mino was exasperated as he kneaded the tense knots on Seungyoon’s shoulders. Poor thing shivered so much during the day that his muscles were punishing him now.
“I can’t leave you like this though.” Mino said against Seungyoon’s temple.
“He needs to soak.”
Mino’s head swung to the door where Seunghoon and Jinwoo were standing, surpringly still awake. They probably were in the living room, or Seunghoon’s room. Jinwoo was a light sleeper, so it was highly likely he woke up the moment Seungyoon became restless. Or judging from their tired faces, they haven’t slept at all.
“I’ll take you to the bathroom okay? Your muscles need to relax, Yoon. You’ll feel much better after, I promise.”
Seungyoon sniffed against his collar, but nodded.
Mindful of the younger’s state, Mino lifted him up easily, but little sounds of distress still escaped. Mino apologized the entire way to the bathroom where the tub was halfway full with steaming water. He sat on the edge of the tub with Seungyoon on his lap.
“Let me take off your clothes.” Mino said. Yoon held on to him. “Come on, stylist noona will get mad if you get her YSL pants wet.”
Mino looked at the two oldest members for help. Seunghoon immediately went into action and took off Seunghoon’s jacket. He wouldn’t let go of his death grip on Mino’s shoulders.
“Come one, Yoon. Mino is not going anywhere.” Seunghoon tugged Yoon’s sleeve.
“Hurts, hyung. Please.” Seungyoon’s voice seemed smaller that they were used to. Mino saw Seunghoon bite his lip so hard, he thought it was going to bleed any moment. The older rapper brushed the fresh tears off Seungyoon’s face and took a deep breath.
“Let’s do it slowly, okay?” Seungyoon acquiesced and they painstakingly took off the articles of branded clothing until he was left shivering in his shirt and boxers. They all let out the collective breath they were holding.
“Jinwoo hyung. Seunghoon hyung, I need your help with mine too. I’m going into the tub with Yoonie.” Mino said.
To say that the monumental task of removing articles of clothing when there was a full grown, albeit skinny guy clinging to you like a barnacle was difficult, was a gross understatement.
When Seunghoon managed to get Mino’s shirt off, Yoon plastered himself even closer (if that was possible) when he felt the heat of Mino’s skin. Jinwoo received the honor of removing Mino’s pants, which, thanks to their current stylist, were several sizes larger, therefore just fell to the ground when Jinwoo unbuckled the belt.
For safety, Mino sat on the edge of the tub and just scooted into the steaming water along with Seungyoon in his arms.
The water rose up to their necks. While Mino’s body instinctively relaxed at the intense heat, Seungyoon’s seized.
“Wanna get out.” Seungyoon gasped and struggled from Mino’s hold, but was too weak to fight against him.
“Just bear it for a minute, Yoon. This is good for your muscles.” Mino strained, trying to prevent Seungyoon from hurting himself in his struggles.
“No, it hurts. Mino. Please. Hyung.” Seungyoon cried, silent sobs racking his frame, all the while mouthing the same words over and over against Mino’s skin. “Please, hyung. Please. Hyung. Hyung…”
Never in their entire relationship had Seungyoon called Mino “hyung”, eschewing convention in favor of closeness. He rarely cried either. For Seungyoon to do both at the same time while it was Mino who was inflicting him pain, even if it was for his own good…
Mino cupped the back of Seungyoon’s head and tightened his arm around his waist, his heart breaking at the helpless sobs that were all the more harrowing in their lack of sound.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered. A litany. A prayer. Words uttered repeatedly in remorse.
For what felt like the longest time, Seungyoon finally calmed down, giving in to the demands of his wrung out body, melting into Mino like taffy with the occasional hiccup.
Mino felt cool fingers brush his face. He opened his eyes that he did not realize were shut tight and saw his two older members sitting by the side of the tub, their faces etched in dispirited lines. Jinwoo’s dimple, normally a pleasant sight to see, was also apparent in his times of distress. His hand kept wiping at Mino’s cheek that he finally registered that he was crying too.
“I should have watched over him.” Mino’s deep voice crackled and looked at Jinwoo for reassurance.
“I am the oldest, Mino. I should be watching over you guys.” JInwoo smiles sadly, his eyes red rimmed as he was sure Mino’s were as well.
Mino recognized the guilt that was probably mirrored in all of their faces and shook his head. Jinwoo patted his head, and like magic, he felt comforted. They could play the blame game all night long, but the fact was that they all just do their best both in work and watching out for each other. At the end of the day, each person was their own entity and their actions cannot be accounted for by the others.
“Aaaah, we’re all a bunch of crybabies.” Seunghoon suddenly burst out, his head turned to the side. Mino could see that his ears were red and the side of his face was blotchy. For the first time that day Mino felt a genuine smile cross his lips.
“We should get you both out of the water before it cools.” Seunghoon said.
“I think Yoonie fell asleep.” Mino said quietly, peeking over Seungyoon’s hair to confirm and just as he said, the young leader was out like a light.
“Poor thing.” Jinwoo affectionately ruffled Seungyoon’s hair.
With their combined efforts, they managed to get Seungyoon out of the tub, into the waiting warm towel held out by Seunghoon. Seungyoon walked into it without hesitation, seemingly content to melt onto whoever was available which Seunghoon took advantage of, since it was rare to have Seungyoon pliant and docile enough to cuddle.
Pulling an unresisting Seungyoon bodily out of the bathroom, “I’m taking this one, bye!” Seunghoon called out, ignoring Jinwoo and Mino’s protests.
“Yah, hyung! Don’t take advantage of Yoon!” Mino yelled.
Seunghoon gleefully towed Seungyoon into his room and sat him on the bed. Swaddled in big fluffy towels, Seungyoon blinked owlishly at him. He pulled a large, old white t-shirt over the maknae’s head that swallowed his entire frame.
“You’re so cute.” Seunghoon’s voice rose just like how he talked to Haute and Thor. “Let’s go to sleep, okay?”
He maneuvered the compliant singer into the blankets and gave Seungyoon one of his plush toys to hug.
“S’nice. Smells like you.” Seungyoon mumbled closing his eyes.
Seunghoon almost melted. He slipped into the covers and pulled Yoon closer to his body. The younger pushed his face into his chest and breathed in.
“Like dog.” He murmured sleepily.
“YAH!” Seunghoon objected, but he saw the dimple on Yoon’s chin. A far cry from the pained expression he had before. He would gladly take it the insult. “I bathe Haute often.” He huffed.
“Mm-hmm.”
Seunghoon squeezed his arms around until Yoon squeaked.
“Wow, that is not the way to treat a sick person.” Mino’s voice came from the doorway dressed similarly as Yoon. Sure enough, Jinwoo was also there behind him wearing only his sweater and boxers. “Scoot over.”
“Hey-!” Before Seunghoon could protest, Mino settled behind Seungyoon and pulled the maknae back from the older rapper.
“There, there, Yoonie. Was that hyung mean to you?” Mino patted Seungyoon who turned to face him instead and clinging to Mino again. The traitor.
“He said I smelled like dog!” Seunghoon whined.
“Well you use the same shampoo.” Jinwoo commented and slid behind Seunghoon, his arm going on top of his waist.
“Yoonie always clings to Mino.” Seunghoon complained, seeing the two youngest members hold each other.
Peaceful silence finally settled over the cramped queen bed they were sharing.
“Hyungs keep me warm.” Seungyoon mumbled groggily. “But Mino is the warmest.”
-Fin