Work Text:
“I think I need space. I think I need time to figure out who I am. I think we should split up for a while.”
~
Six months later, Minhyun had come to regret those words more than anything. If there was anything he had learned over the past Jonghyun-less six months, it was that what he had had with Jonghyun was great. After thinking a lot, Minhyun had no idea why he had felt he needed to leave Jonghyun to go soul-searching. Jonghyun knew him better than anyone, suited him better than anyone, and Minhyun didn’t know what had made him trade away the blissful lifestyle that they had cultivated together over the course of their three-year relationship for six months of loneliness. Minhyun just wanted to go back to the way things were. Turn back time.
The expression of hurt that had flitted across Jonghyun’s eyes after those awful, foolish words left Minhyun’s lips had stuck with in his memory the entire time he had been away. Jonghyun, of course, had only let it linger for a few seconds before putting on a mask of a smile and telling Minhyun that it was okay if he thought it was better for them to separate. But nothing Jonghyun had said then could alleviate the guilt that still clung to Minhyun.
~
“Wow you’re finally back in Seoul, how was your trip?” Seongwoo asked Minhyun as he put his bag down in Seongwoo’s apartment. Being currently unemployed, Minhyun hadn’t wanted to drop the cash to get a hotel room so he had asked his friend if he could crash at his place.
“It was fine.” Minhyun answered. “Spent some time at home in Busan, then travelled around to a lot of different cities. Went abroad for a little while even.”
“Sounds like an adventure.” Seongwoo said, evidently wanting Minhyun to go into more detail.
“I guess.” Minhyun shrugged. The trip felt more like a mistake than anything to him. “How’s…” Minhyun paused for a moment and internally debated whether he should continue. He took a deep breath and spit out what he was really there for. “Have you been in touch with Jonghyun?”
“As far as I can tell, nothing much has changed with him except for the fact that you’re gone.” Seongwoo told him, tone deceptively casual yet words sending more guilt stabbing through Minhyun’s gut. “Daniel is closer with him, he’d know more.”
“Ah.”
~
Two days later, Minhyun found himself standing in front of the door of his former apartment. According to Daniel, despite having to pay double the rent without Minyun and their old lease expiring, Jonghyun hadn’t moved. It felt weird standing in front of the place that had been home for him for so long as more of a visitor than a resident. After minutes of contemplation and hesitation, he finally knocked.
A part of him wanted to run away instead of facing his mistake head on, but Minhyun could hear Jonghyun moving around in the apartment before he even opened the door so that option got ruled out pretty quick.
“Hel… It’s you.”
Jonghyun had always had the habit of not looking through the peephole to see who was there before opening the door. Minhyun had always told him that if he just looked before answering he wouldn’t end up in so many awkward, time-consuming conversations with salespeople, missionaries, and unwelcome acquaintances. Or ex-boyfriends. He looked very much the same as when Minhyun had saw him last; Minhyun recognized the clothes on his back, he couldn’t remember whose they’d been originally, after being together for a long time his and Jonghyun’s wardrobes had just sort of merged together. Evidently, Jonghyun hadn’t bothered trying to separate them out again. Jonghyun was even wearing the same sad, stunned expression that had spread across his face when Minhyun told him he was leaving.
“Hi.” Minhyun said awkwardly. “Can I come in?”
Jonghyun stared at him for a long moment before nodding slowly and moving aside so Minhyun could come through the threshold. The apartment too was largely exactly the way it had been when Minhyun had left it. There were bits of clutter in places where there hadn’t been before, but for the most part it seemed as if no time had passed. Almost as if Minhyun had only been gone for a weekend. Minhyun sat down on their sofa. Jonghyun was still standing, looking at him owlishly. It was a long time before wither of them spoke.
“I didn’t think you’d come back to Seoul.” Jonghyun finally broke the silence.
“I… It felt right to come back.” Minhyun answered awkwardly. “How’ve you been?”
“I’ve been okay.” Jonghyun said absently, fiddling with the edge of his sleeve, eyes fixed on some spot by their feet. “Nothing’s really changed except, you know…”
“The apartment does look the same.” Minhyun commented awkwardly. He hated this new wall in conversation that existed between him and Jonghyun where once everything had been so natural. Fed up, Minhyun cut to the chase. “Are you seeing anyone new?”
“No.” Jonghyun murmured, voice barely above a whisper. “Are you?”
“I’m not.” Minhyun said, shaking his head purposefully. “Jonghyun I… I really missed you. For the past six months I was trying to find myself but… In the end I think all I found out was that I shouldn’t have left you.”
Jonghyun froze at Minhyun’s words. Minhyun felt his insides tighten; he didn’t want it to be like this, he didn’t want Jonghyun to keep looking at him like that… He could see a tear beginning to roll down Jonghyun’s cheek, but he didn’t know if Jonghyun would want him to brush it away for him.
“I-I really missed you. All the time.” Minhyun continued. “I just want to go back to how we were. Is… is that okay, Jonghyun? Can we go back to how it was six- no before that- like, a year ago?”
Jonghyun opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a sob. He sniffed, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his sweater before finally nodding.
“Yes.” Jonghyun said softly. “I’d love that.”
Minhyun wasted no time and stepped forward to fold Jonghyun into his arms.
“I’m sorry.” Minhyun said into Jonghyun’s hair. “I’m so sorry I ever left you, Jju-ya.”
~
Minhyun moved his stuff back in the next day. Or rather, brought back what he had took with him when he left. The clothes he had left behind were still in Jonghyun’s closet, and other traces of him remained him throughout the apartment. His cleansers, scrubs and lotions were still in the cupboard under the sink, a book he had been reading six months ago but left behind unfinished was still on the nightstand by their bed. The only thing that made Minhyun unable to forget what he had done was the way Jonghyun looked at him, like he was scared that Minhyun would walk out the door again. There were other, subtler things, Minhyun noticed too. The way Jonghyun would make a point to always give him kiss before he left the house; how he seemed more attentive to Minhyun’s every move, how he was freer in giving Minhyun physical affection.
At first, Minhyun liked the extra affection. He enjoyed how Jonghyun would let him give him hug him from behind when it was Jonghyun’s turn to make dinner whereas before Jonhyun would usually playfully elbow him away. He no longer complained when Minhyun nagged him to do the dishes or tidy up their room. He was more pliant, always eager to please Minhyun, and the playful, mischievous side of Jonghyun seemed to have faded away. It was nice to be met with all the physical intimacy he had missed when he had left, but Minhyun came to realize that Jonghyun might be doing it to make sure he wouldn’t leave again. He might be giving Minhyun everything he wanted even if that want wasn’t mutual. He missed Jonghyun pulling away from his kisses and touches when he was annoyed, or just wanted to rile Minhyun up. He even missed the way Jonghyun would blatantly ignore him sometimes when he bugged Jonghyun to take out the trash or clean up his things. It was nice being indulged, but Minhyun didn’t want that all the time. He wanted to go back to the way they had been. He wanted Jonghyun to push him back instead of just giving in.
One night, when they were hanging out with their friends at Seongwoo and Daniel’s apartment, laughing and talking and having a good time together just as they always did, Minhyun couldn’t help but notice the angry looks Hyunbin gave him from across the room when Jonghyun was glancing the other way. Minhyun was sure Hyunbin was upset with him for some reason. Normally, Minhyun didn’t like to let such things fester and would’ve found a way to take Hyunbin aside and ask what the problem was. However, with Jonghyun gluing himself to Minhyun’s side he couldn’t really confront him about it. Minhyun had a feeling the root of Hyunbin’s issue might have something to do with Jonghyun.
Before, when they went out like this Jonghyun show affection more sparingly. He would leave Minhyun’s side to chat with others, make sure no one was drinking too much, and try to cheer up anyone who seemed to have other things on their mind. He would rest his hand on Minhyun’s thigh or hold Minhyun’s hand when they sat together, but would otherwise refrain from physical displays of affection. Tonight, however, Jonghyun was snuggled up into his side, not making much effort to catch up with their friends. He kept leaning up to kiss Minhyun’s cheek at random intervals; the first time it surprised Minhyun so much that he spilled his drink all over himself which made Jaehwan break out into hysterical cackles. Finally, about an hour later, when Daniel dragged Jonghyun away to show him something, Minhyun was finally free to confront Hyunbin.
“What’s the deal?” Minhyun asked once he had pulled Hyunbin to a more private corner of the room. “Why do you keep glaring at me?”
“I don’t know what you’re-”
“Every time Jonghyun looks away, you look at me like I’m an especially nasty cockroach or something.” Minhyun cut in. “What’s your issue with me?”
“Do you have any idea how torn up Jonghyun was after you left?” Hyunbin asked in a low accusatory tone. “Do you know how hard it was for him? At first he wouldn’t even eat unless we forced him to. Do you know how scared we were for him? And now you just think you can come waltzing back trying to pretend like nothing happened!”
Minhyun took a deep breath before speaking. “Look, I know I screwed up. I’m trying to make amends for that I-”
“Are you?” Hyunbin demanded. “How do we know you won’t just walk out on him again?”
Before Minhyun could try to defend himself, Jonghyun and Daniel reappeared and Hyunbin turned back to them smiling like nothing had happened.
~
When Minhyun drove them home late that night Jonghyun dozed in the passenger seat beside him. Minhyun half carried him up to their apartment, where they began preparing for bed without many words exchanged between them. Minhyun thought that they were just going to knock out as soon as they got under the covers, but just as he was reaching up to turn out the light he felt Jonghyun’s hands slipping under the hem of his shirt and caressing his waist. His first response when Jonghyun offered him physical affection was obviously to respond in kind. Minhyun had always been a tactile person. He leaned over and grabbed Jonghyun by the waist, pulling him to him and kissing him.
At first, Jonghyun matched the movement of his lips, letting Minhyun in as he moved to deepen the kiss, but after a minute or so Minhyun realized he had gone still. He felt Jonghyun’s breathing against his mouth, slow and deep, in the rhythm of sleep. Minhyun pulled himself away from Jonghyun, intending to join him in sleep. Just as his lips were leaving Jonghyun’s however, Minhyun felt Jonghyun jerk awake beneath him and reach out to pull him back.
“You’re too tired for this.” Minhyun whispered, giving him a light kiss on the cheek. “Let’s just go to sleep.”
“M’fine” Jonghyun mumbled, feebly trying to pull Minhyun’s face back to his. “Let’s…”
“Jonghyun, with me you don’t have to force yourself to do things your too tired for or don’t want to.” Minhyun sighed, catching Jonghyun’s wrist as he sleepily reached towards the waistband of Minhyun’s sweats.
“I do want to!” Jonghyun insisted stubbornly in a sleepy, delirious mumble.
“Well, I don’t want to do anything with you if you’re not getting the same amount of enjoyment out of it as I am.” Minhyun said. “You’re half asleep already and I know you have work tomorrow. Let’s just rest now, okay?”
“I’ll enjoy it! I will!” Jonghyun continued to argue, sounding a bit desperate.
“Please, Jju-ya,” Minhyun pleaded. “Don’t force yourself.”
“I-”
“Go to sleep.” Minhyun told him firmly, leaning in and attempting to gently kiss Jonghyun’s eyelids shut.
“But you wanted-”
“Sleep, Jju-ya.” Minhyun murmured, pulling the blankets back over both of them. He wrapped his arms around Jonghyun, pulling his head to his chest. For a moment Jonghyun went still and Minhyun thought he had finally convinced him to sleep.
“Don’t you want me?” Jonghyun asked just as Minhyun was shutting his eyes and trying to drift off himself.
“I always want you.” Minhyun affirmed. “I want you in the physical sense, but I also want you to be happy and healthy and get enough damn sleep. I love you, Jonghyun.”
“I don’t want you to leave again.” Minhyun heard Jonghyun mumble half consciously into hi chest. His heart broke at Jonghyun’s words. It was difficult for Minhyun to sleep well that night.
~
Minhyun waited until evening the next day to finally confront Jonghyun. When he came home from work, Jonghyun was already there and had dinner waiting for him. Jonghyun’s cooking was still average at best, but Minhyun told him it was delicious anyway. A tension in Jonghyun’s expression that Minhyun hadn’t registered until it was gone faded into relief. Guilt surged in Minhyun’s chest. Sixth months ago, before his trip, Jonghyun probably would’ve played games until he came home and then, if he felt like it, helped Minhyun with the cooking. If he was feeling considerate he might have ordered takeout for both of them. He would never have been so anxious for Minhyun’s approval like he was now. Minhyun kind of hated it. It was as if the Jonghyun he had loved had become diminished somehow. Faded to a shadow of the person he had been before. And he had become like that because of Minhyun. It was all Minhyun’s fault.
“I can do the washing up.” Jonghyun said as Minhyun began to get up from the table, plate in hand.
“No, you made dinner.” Minhyun insisted gently. “Besides, you were always kind of shit at doing dishes anyway.” He joked lightly, hoping desperately that it might bring out the old, playful, Jonghyun. His hopes were in vain.
“I-I’m sorry.” Jonghyun said, looking down at the table. “I’ve gotten better, though.”
Minhyun let out a heavy sigh and set his dish back down with a loud thump. He immediately regretted it when he saw the way it had made Jonghyun flinch. “You’re supposed to say, ‘why would I need to do dishes when I have a weirdo boyfriend who loves cleaning.’” Minhyun grumbled. “What happened to the Jonghyun who I had to nag? What happened to the Jonghyun who wouldn’t let me kiss him in public?”
“I-I thought you liked all those things…” Jonghyun whispered, slowly looking up to meet Minhyun’s gaze. His eyes were shining with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, I’ll-”
“It’s not that I don’t like those things!” Minhyun exclaimed in frustration. “I just- if it’s forced, what’s the point Jonghyun? I’m not going to leave you again just because you refuse to do the laundry or are too tired for sex! I hate that you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me!” Minhyun saw a tear escape the corner of Jonghyun’s eye and roll down his cheek. Minhyun inhaled. “I was stupid and selfish to leave you and I know that now. I just… I wish you could trust me again.”
A long silence stretched between them. Jonghyun held his gaze for a few seconds, then blinked several times and wiped a tear away on his sleeve. Minhyun felt powerless, unsure of how or whether he should try to comfort him. Hesitantly, he took Jonghyun’s hand. It was shaking.
“I’m sorry Jju-ya, this is all my fault I shouldn’t gotten heated like that I-”
“It’s fine.” Jonghyun cut him off. “It’s just… It’s hard.” He took a deep breath in. “I guess before I always trusted you’d be here with me and then, well, you weren’t.” Minhyun winced. “After you left I kept asking myself what I could’ve done to make you stay and now- I overjoyed you’re back of course but… It’s hard not to wonder whether you’ll disappear and my world will crumble around me again.”
“It wasn’t anything you didn’t do.” Minhyun attempted to assure him, giving his hand a little squeeze. “I just- I was stupid. Can- will you be able to trust me again?”
Jonghyun was silent for a long moment as Minhyun looked at him, then, he smiled apologetically. “It’ll take time.”
Minhyun nodded, knowing that it would be too much for him to hope for more. Gently, he brought Jonghyun into his arms.
~
The next day, Minhyun got home late again. Instead of a dinner prepared for him, he found a dirty bowl in the sink.
“You ate without me?” He asked Jonghyun, for he discovered lying on the couch watching a TV show.
Jonghyun shrugged, not deigning to give him a verbal response. Minhyun couldn’t help but notice the edge of nervousness in Jonghyun’s eyes, the stiff way he held his legs on the couch. This was hard for him, but it was a start.
“And you didn’t even clean up after yourself?” Minhyun continued, letting an edge of humor creep into his voice.
Jonghyun looked up and caught the smile Minhyun was suppressing in his eyes. “Wash it yourself, bighead.” Jonghyun told him, a grin slowly spreading across his face.
Minhyun let the laughter he was holding back escape and went back to the kitchen to clean Jonghyun’s dishes and get himself something to eat.
“I’ll have you know I’m making you wash my plate once I’m done!” He called to Jonghyun from the kitchen as he scrubbed.
“Whatever!” He heard Jonghyun call back snickering.