Work Text:
Based off this post.
I sigh as I walk through the door, clutching the envelopes to my chest and keeping my head bowed to try and stop the tears glistening in my eyes from being noticed by my parents. Not that they'd probably care, but it's just easier like this. If you don't give them the excuse to ask questions then they never will.
Trudging up to my room, I skip the creaky stairs and don't put the hallway light on, not wanting to disturb their evening television session that means they are probably engrossed in some new episode of some dull soap right now. As my feet find their purchase on the rickety landing floor, I sigh again. The sound of my brother's video game is muffled only a little by the thin walls, and I most certainly won't be able to sleep for a while tonight.
Yawning, my fingers reach out to grasp the doorknob of my room and I hiss when my skin makes contact with the frozen metal. Great. The snow outside has melted by now but obviously since my room hasn't been opened since I left it's still as cold as it was when the white banks surrounded the house. Stupid erratic English winters.
With a shiver I push the door open and stumble through, putting the stack of envelopes carefully onto my bed before slinging my bag to the other side of the room. I groan and throw myself down onto the sheets, burying my face in them and trying to force back pathetic tears. I just want to be back with him so damn much.
I breathe deeply and push myself up, letting my hands wander to the envelopes. Gently, I brush the surface of the top one, the one that reads 'Open when you need to know how much I love you'. Shaking my head, I push it aside and look at the title of the next one, tilting my head to the side a little as I read it.
'Open when you've left me after visiting'.
Why not?
'Hey Dan. I guess you've probably just gotten home, and you probably collapsed on your bed with a sigh and now you're probably chuckling because I know you well enough to know exactly what you're doing right now. It's cute when you chuckle. Anyway, that's kind of off-topic.
Remember whenever I'm not with you: you always have the next time to look forward to. There's always the future to look up to, even if you think that yours is bleak, no matter what happens it will still have me in it. You've never really left from that visit because you never leave my thoughts, and I can only guess that I never leave yours. As long as you want me to be, I will be there. And it's not really a visit, because that suggests something temporary, and our time together is never temporary, just fluctuating, maybe. Like one of those stupid maths graphs that you complain about 24/7. Just keep going until the curve gets steeper again.
Love you, Phil x]'
I find myself wiping away tears as I read the last few words, chuckling at the familiar smiley face. A grin on my face, I press the letter to my chest and curl up on the bed, tucking my knees up to my chest. My eyes flutter shut, and I let myself drift into sleep.
~
It takes everything in me not to just burst into sobs as I slam the door shut. I thud upstairs to my room and slam that door shut too, earning a shriek from my mother, but I really don't care. Instead of replying, I just press my back to the door and fall to the ground, head falling into my hands.
Everything that could have gone wrong today did. My manager decided to fire me for nothing, and then my phone, my only line of contact with Phil whilst my laptop had been confiscated by my parents, had been nicked on the bus. And if I tell them, I'll just get into trouble, and the chances of me getting a new phone are zero.
I can't even let Phil know that I'm okay.
Tilting my head upwards, I glance around my room and see the letters stashed neatly on the desk. I stretch as much as I can and grab the first one on the pile before falling back into my position and looking down at it. I can barely read it through the blurring of my tears, but my heart warms a little when I see the small lion drawn in the corner of the cream envelope.
'Open when you've had a bad day.'
Without even thinking, I tear it open and start to read, Phil's messy scrawl so familiar and comforting without even taking in the words.
'Hey Dan. So you've had a bad day, huh? That sucks. But trust me, I promise tomorrow will be better. And I always keep my promises, right?
In the mean time, if you can get hold of me then do that, but if you can't, for whatever reason, don't feel bad about it. Just turn on your xbox and shoot the living day lights out of some zombies, or put My Neighbour Totoro on and just relax. Eat some of the Maltesers I've hidden for you at the bottom of your sock drawer (I know that you won't have found the stash without me telling you, so there should be plenty there).
I wish I was there to help you and hold you and kiss you, but I can't be yet, so just remember that wherever I am, I care lots about you and this is just one bad day in thousands of good ones. Plus, we'll probably be together soon, right? So I'll make up for all the bad days then ;).
Love you, Phil <3'
I giggle a little as I read the last few words, tears forgotten. I shuffle over to the TV in the corner of my room and turn it on, slotting the movie into my DVD player and settling back on the floor by the edge of my bed.
~
My head rings with thoughts, almost making me feel dizzy. I already feel sick to my stomach and I wonder if I'm going to pass out before the night's over, but then I suppose this is all psychological, so that's unlikely. Unfortunately.
At least if I passed out I would almost be sleeping.
Tossing over again, I groan deeply and try to keep my sore eyes shut. I shouldn't have stayed up so late playing games, but I couldn't help it, it kept my mind off the final journey that I will make tomorrow. The journey to university, to Phil. Sure, I'm living in halls, but I know full well that I'll probably end up spending most of my time with him. And that scares the shit out of me.
I love him, yeah. So, so much. But practically living with him? We've never done that before, we don't know each other's little usual habits that could drive each other insane. For all I know, we could end up hating each other before a week's out. Long distance seems almost easy compared to this.
A sigh escapes my lips. I hate being a slave to my own mind.
Needing to stretch out, I clamber out of bed and lift my arms, hearing something click. I stop as I catch sight of the envelopes still on my desk, the final few things that I will be taking with me to Uni and the only things I haven't packed yet. Hoping that Phil might have thought of this kind of situation, I reach for them and flick through them, searching carefully.
'Open when you can't sleep.'
Close enough.
'Hey Dan. Can't sleep again? Not surprised. You think too much. But that's okay, I love that about you. Still, I do wish you wouldn't let it interfere with your sleep, but I think that's probably an unrealistic wish.
I want you to go and lie down again, and then look up at your ceiling. You see the stars that we stuck up there? Start to count them. It's better than counting sheep, promise. When you count each one, think of a good time we've had together, and it'll start to distract you from the bad thoughts, okay? Then you'll be able to sleep. And if you still can't, don't worry about texting me to wake me up to help you. I'll stay on the phone as long as you like.
Happy dreams, love you, Phil x]'
With a sigh, I put away the letter and fall onto my back on the mattress, looking up at the stars that we put there together the first time he visited my place. By the end we had been both been with falling apart with laughter, hands entwined and eyes drinking in each other's small details. My lips prick up slightly.
~
"No, Phil! I fucking hate law and I fucking hate Manchester and I fucking hate myself, okay? I'm sick of you telling me that I'm amazing when I'm really fucking not, I made all the wrong choices and I'm a fucking dickhead!" I scream, throwing the papers crammed with text to the floor. He flinches and tries to rest an arm on my elbow but I push him away, almost making him fall onto the sofa.
"Dan-"
"No, don't 'Dan' me, Phil! I'm sick, so sick, of everything!"
"I don't want to fight with you Dan-" he starts. I tower over him, trembling, and I let out an exasperated gasp.
"Why not? Why not? I screw up everything Phil!"
"Don't say that, Dan!" Phil starts to raise his voice now, which I know is a warning sign since he never does that, but I ignore it.
"It's true, and you know it! Why the hell do you even love me? Why do I even love you when you lie to me all the time about this?" The words fall from my mouth before I realise what I'm saying. Oh shit.
"Don't you dare, Daniel Howell! Don't you dare say something like that! Go away!" Phil chokes out, thrusting his arm out and pointing at the door. I don't even hesitate before following the direction of it.
I storm into the small box room where I store my things when I'm at his place, and where the single camp bed is set out in case I can't get to sleep until long after him and I don't want to wake him up with my stupid tossing and turning. Tears falling down my face, I tear open the nearest cardboard box, pulling out a random handful of the envelopes and searching for the one that I really need.
'Open when we're fighting (and it's your fault).'
Without paying much attention to preserving the envelope, I rip it open and start to read quickly.
'Hey Dan. If we're fighting than you're probably hiding somewhere right now, and I'll probably be just biding my time to come and comfort you, even if it was all your fault, which I highly doubt it was. Arguments are never one-sided and let's be honest, we can both be as bad as each other with our words. Don't blame yourself.
You'll have forgotten about this fight, probably, by this time tomorrow, so don't worry. Nothing will ever change between us, no matter what you do. I love you, and it's pretty much unconditional, so don't worry about me holding a grudge. In fact the general theme surrounding by this letter appears to be don't worry, and I could probably tell you that until I was blue in the face and you'd still worry. But hey, it's another one of those quirks that make you, Daniel Howell, unique and perfect and so loveable. Not flawless, but those flaws make you you.
I'm sure the fight will be over soon. Just try not to blame yourself please, bear?
Love you, Phil x]'
Sniffling, I stuff the letter back into the box and climb onto the bed, waiting patiently for Phil. I know that he'll come, and when he does I smile a little, holding my arms out wide to embrace him. He tangles his fingers in my hair and litters my face with kisses, paying special attention to the tip of my nose. I giggle as he does that, my nose being (weirdly) one of the few places where I'm ticklish, and he giggles with me.
Eventually, we fall asleep, a mess of long-limbs and fringes.
~
We sit on the floor, surrounded by a fort of packed boxes and blankets, our beds already dismantled and ready to go. We've made a makeshift mattress on the floor out of pillows and duvets, and I swear this is far better than sleeping on a proper bed.
I'm sat in Phil's arms, his legs either side of me and his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. He nuzzles his face into the back of my neck, pressing small kisses to the exposed skin innocently. It's pitch black around us apart from the glow of my Mac at my feet that the movie - My Neighbour Totoro, of course - is playing on. I've turned the sound right down so I can just hear his steady breathing in time with my heart beat.
Tomorrow, we leave for London. For a contract with radio one. For a future. And it terrifies me.
In my pocket rests the envelope entitled 'Open when you're imagining our future', folded in half so it fits. I want nothing more than to open it, but then I don't want to do it in front of him, since he's probably long forgotten that he wrote them, and besides, he'll probably think it's silly how much I rely on them still. I've only opened a few, and I never read them twice, but still, they're always there, like the comfort blanket I never had.
"Phil?" I ask quietly, and he hums a little in response.
"I'm just going to the bathroom for a second, okay?" I whisper, and he nods, letting go of me and scooting back a little. Careful not to pull anything down, I climb out of the 'tent' and slip away to the bathroom.
I lock the door before sitting down on the closed toilet seat, pulling out the somewhat battered envelope and opening it carefully.
'Hey Dan. This is probably the hardest letter to write, mostly because I, like you, have no idea what will happen in the future. But I think that's a good thing.
Let me explain, okay?
I think that if we knew everything about our future, then everything would be boring. We'd know how everything ended, and to be honest, do you really want to know that? The best thing about this is that we don't know where it's headed, it's a mystery, an adventure, one that we will live out together. And I think that's amazing.
So don't worry about our future. Imagine it, sure, but don't spend too long dwelling on it. Keep your head focused on the present and just take every opportunity that you can. I'm sure I'll be there to take them with you.
Love you, Phil <3'
I quickly tuck away the letter, staring at my stupid grin in my reflection. As I return to him, I snuggle right into his arms, pressing back against him as much as I can. God, do I love him so much. And he loves me back too, which makes it just all the better.
~
Existential crisis number sixty, and Phil's not here to help me this time. He's in Europe for this stupid tour with Blackberry, and Skype calls are nowhere near as comforting as they were in 2009. I'm so used to having him around by now that going back to old ways just isn't enough. I knew this would happen from the second I woke up without him.
I've opened most of the letters by now; there are only two left. I stare at them, eyes flicking from one to the other. I've set them down on our bed besides my feet, trying to figure out which one would be better to open. I sigh. I think I could use both of them right now.
Firstly, I pick up the one that reads 'Open when you need a reminder of all the things I love about you', scanning my eyes over it and quickly opening it.
'Hey Dan. This is a letter that I'm pretty sure you'll never open, at least not for a long time, so if you're actually reading it then it probably means we've come quite far. How do I know that? Well, I suppose, I just do. I can't really describe it. But I do know that it'll be a while before you read this. I hope future me is doing well.
I could just make a long list of all the things I love about you but that would take up much more space than I have to write this letter. So I'll just settle on a few.
I love the way that you flick your hair out of your eyes and play with it absently; I hope you still have the same haircut whenever you're reading this. Even if you don't, I'll love it anyway.
I love the way that your eyes sparkle in flashes of light, the way they reflect things so perfectly in those dark orbs. I love to just stare at them, taking in every small detail, every fleck of lighter gold against dark chestnut brown. That probably sounds a bit creepy, but I promise you it's not meant to be like that. I just get lost in them sometimes.
I love the way you say my name, with that strange change in pitch of your voice and how you drag out the vowel. The way my name rolls of your tongue is amazing; it's one of the many ways that I'm sure we're meant for each other. Why else would it melt my heart every time I hear it?
I love how passionate you are. Especially about music. When you play your keyboard in the morning before I get up I sometimes just lie there and continue to pretend to be asleep so you'll play longer, because I know you're self-conscious about it. You're probably blushing right now. Thought so.
I love how kind you are. I can't really put that into words, but you are the gentlest person I know, even if you try and hide it. I know you're sensitive but that helps your kindness and I wouldn't wish you to be any other way.
I'm starting to run out of room so I guess I'll stop there, but remember, there are far more things than that. Never stop being amazing, Dan.
Love, Phil x]'
I sniffle, the tears in the corner of my eyes pricking at them. I laugh despite myself. I'm so stupid, getting so emotional over a damn letter that Phil probably doesn't even remember. Fingers shaking, I quickly open the second one, reading it faster this time.
'Hey Dan. I told you to open this one when you need to know much I love you. I don't know when that'll be, whether it'll be ten years, or maybe just six months. Either way, I have a question to ask you, and I know that whenever you're reading this I'll be ready to ask the question.
You need to know how much I love you? Okay then. How about this. Will you marry me, Dan?'
The letter ends there and I just stare at it, opened mouthed.
"Will you marry me?" I murmur hoarsely, repeating the words that swirl around in front of me, before reaching for a clean sheet of paper.
~
Phil opens the door, stumbling through it with a sigh. He doesn't really think as he just throws the suitcase to the floor before half-crawling up the stairs towards his and Dan's room. He's exhausted, and all he wants is to curl up next to Dan and sleep for a thousand years.
Just as he's about to open the door, he stops in his tracks. There's an envelope tacked to the door, a cream one, and Phil tilts his head to the side as he reads the words on it.
'Open when you come home and you're ready to know how much I love you'.
What?
Phil sighs, trying to rack his brain for what he wrote in those letters all those years ago. He didn't think that Dan had even read them, but apparently he was wrong about that, if this is anything to go by.
Could it be...
He takes it off the door, turning it around and seeing the blue-tac that had been holding it up. He chuckles, opening it and reading the single word printed in Dan's handwriting. A smile creeps across his face.
'Yes'.