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Their meal was entirely too silent. Danny seemed completely in control of himself, but there were minuscule, barely noticeable signs which Steve knew how to read by now: the way Danny stared unseeingly at the menu for a few seconds too long, the way his shoulders slumped a few times until he had himself back under control, the slightly too bright smile he gave the waitress whenever she came to their table. One might have excused all those with exhaustion after spending a day and a night in the hospital, but Steve wasn't fooled. He had watched Danny closely during the past months, knowing how hard the whole Rachel/baby-debacle was on his partner.
He vividly remembered how entranced Danny had been while he was watching that horrid birthing scene in the movie Steve had caught him with, which made all of this even worse. Danny would have been so happy, having another baby; being there with Rachel, seeing that child coming into the world but knowing not only that it wasn't his after all but also that he wasn't an actual part of its family, wouldn't be going home with them, must have taken its toll, no matter how skilfully Danny tried to hide how hurt he was.
“You look knackered”, Steve eventually said once they were done and their already somewhat uncharacteristically halting conversation had petered out, “want me to take you home?” He fully expected Danny to refuse, but he only inclined his head in ackknowledgement, probably unaware how defeated he looked right then. It made Steve's already bruised heart ache for him even more. He wasn't feeling his best himself; even though Joe was driving him crazy sometimes, Steve didn't want him to leave. He was sick and tired of the emotional roller-coaster his life had turned into, of all the people who supposedly cared about him but then didn't stay just because of that. He wondered, not for the first time and admittedly a little belligerently, what his father would have made of a man moving 5.000 miles in order to be with his daughter, a father who would do everything to prevent getting separated from his little girl.
Since they were both engrossed in their thoughts, they didn't talk much on the way either. When Steve pulled up outside Danny's building, his partner paused after undoing his seat-belt: “Wanna come in?”
His voice was soft now, all the bravado from earlier having abated together with the adrenaline. Steve didn't have to think twice because Danny for all intents and purposes didn't look as though she should be alone right now; apart from that, Steve didn't fancy his empty house right then. Since it was Saturday, he didn't have to return to work either. Well, technically he could, since there was a mountain of paperwork headed his way, but he didn't feel up to it; he was too weary after the events of the last few days, too beleaguered mentally.
So he nodded and accompanied Danny into his new apartment. It wasn't entirely done up yet, but he could see that it was going to be nice. Danny had bought some new furniture (finally having gotten rid of that abominable bed-sofa) and had actually carefully arranged his books and other personal items on his new shelves instead of just putting them wherever there was space (at least that's what it had looked like to Steve in the previous places he had called home). He had also put up some framed pictures Grace had drawn and a few photos, which added a lot to an already rather cozy atmosphere.
Danny went into the kitchen and came back with two beers, one of which he handed his partner, and they sat down on the new, very comfortable couch. Neither of them commented on the fact that it was only eleven in the morning; they just toasted to the new baby and drank, each glad not to be alone.
After the first few sips, Danny leaned his head back and closed his eyes: “It was a mistake, getting involved with Rachel again,” he murmured. “I don't know what I was thinking.”
The undeniable truth was that he hadn't been in his right mind after the Sarin episode; he had been high on drugs and the knowledge that he had gotten another chance at life. Admittedly, he had felt flattered that Rachel had broken off her supposedly romantic weekend to come back for him, and it had been so lovely to have Grace there with him the whole day that he couldn't but once more miss the family life he had had. So yeah, Rachel had happened and Danny had let it happen, at the time telling himself that it had nothing at all to do with the fact that his partner, who had managed to positively inveigle himself into every aspect of Danny's life within record time, being outrageously charming along the way, was seeing Catherine Rollins on a regular basis and seemed to have a pretty solid thing going with her. Not that Danny was into men, but Steve... he had caught himself fantasizing about him more than once, of the toe-curling variety on top of that. But that was evidently never gonna happen and Danny, feeling even more lonesome every time Steve and he didn't spend the evening together because his partner was busy with some booty call or other, had been grateful for the distraction and the comfort that somebody wanted him.
So if he was honest with himself, it had more been a convenient way of trying to get over Steve than anything else. But. Even that had gone spectacularly wrong because Steve never did anything by halves, and in the end it had been an easy decision to stay in Hawaii for his partner even though it had torn at Danny's heart that Rachel was taking Grace with her. Leaving Steve behind and during such a crisis at that would have done similarly catastrophic things to Danny however; at least he knew that Gracie was safe with her mom. Steve in Halawa on the other hand... Danny had barely slept during that week, quarreling with fate in general and unfairly bad timing in particular.
The cause for all his mental agony now shook his head in sympathy: “Can't change it now, Buddy.”
“No. I know.” Without opening his eyes, Danny pinched the bridge of his nose with two fingers. “But it seems that every single stupid mistake I ever made is coming back to haunt me, every time.”
When Steve just looked at him questioningly, Danny sighed and told him about his friend Billy and how it still made his hair stand on end when he, Danny, was spending time in or on the ocean for some reason. About his partner Grace Tilwell and what happened because they hadn't waited for backup. And there's his brother, of course, whom he couldn't stop from leaving and who subsequently made it onto the FBI's most wanted list, robbing his family of their sleep.
He fell silent, opening his eyes and looking so despondent that Steve reached out and squeezed his thigh. He had long since learned that Danny always felt responsible for the things which happened around him, and he knew from experience that it wasn't always easy to deal with that. For Danny, it must be even worse because he was always so very emotional; it came with his being, and while it was part of what made him so lovely in Steve's opinion, it also made things difficult for him, was one reason why he always worried, among other things.
“I'm sorry, Danno,” Steve said quietly after a while, only then registering that his hand was still on Danny's thigh.
Danny shook his head: “I shouldn't complain,” he replied. “You've been through enough shit yourself, after all.”
Steve smirked: “Yeah.” He took another sip of beer: “And since we're at it- Joe's leaving Hawaii. He told me this morning.”
“Yeah? Why?”
“He wants to 'protect' me and the people I care about.” After all these years, Steve still didn't understand why protecting someone meant abandoning them.
“Huh.” Danny regarded him for a moment, then he scooted closer and put his own arm around Steve's shoulder because the big goof looked terribly forlorn all of a sudden: “It's all so messed up, isn't it?”
“Yeah.” Steve leaned into the touch, finding Danny's warm, solid body immensely reassuring and something else... he felt almost jittery, but in a good way that would definitely have to be explored later. He closed his eyes, feeling bone-tired by now, but there was something he needed to say.
“Danno?”
“Hm?”
“I'm sorry that it didn't work out between you and Rachel.”
“Thanks, Buddy.”
“But I'm also not sorry.”
Danny shook his head, thinking he might have misheard: “Huh?”
Steve just smiled, eyes still closed, and nestled more firmly against Danny. Who sighed, more from exhaustion than anything else, and closed his eyes again as well; it'd probably make sense once they had both rested for a bit.
He should get up, make up the couch for Steve and go to bed, but he felt really comfortable right then, so he just allowed his overwrought mind to drift off with his arm still around his partner and said partner's hand on his thigh.
They didn't talk about it later. When Danny woke up some time in the afternoon, Steve had left. If Danny felt disappointed for some reason, he didn't allow himself to dwell on it. There was no point, after all: Steve was still seeing Catherine whenever she was in town, and apart from that, Danny didn't know if his partner had ever had male partners. So it seemed best to quell the madness from the beginning. Which admittedly would be easier if Steve didn't keep touching Danny in all kinds of affectionate manners, telling him he loved him. It was torture of the especially exquisite version, and what exactly had Steve meant earlier when he had said 'But I'm also not sorry'? And he hadn't even been drunk since they had only had one measly beer each then, so that didn't account for it either.
Frowning, Danny closed his eyes again, too tired to deal with the enigma that was Steve McGarrett.
Said enigma lay awake that night, contemplating things. When had woken up in the early afternoon, it had taken him a moment to register where he was and why. He was cuddling with Danny, and the notion alone made his stomach doing funny things and his heart- well, it... sang. There was no denying it. Danny made him feel safe and loved, had done so from rather early on in their relationship, but this... this was different. This was amazing but insufficient, he realized- he wanted more.
Very slowly, he had extricated himself from his partner, regarding his sleeping face and allowing himself to revel in the sweetness of it. Danny seemed younger, more careless like this, and Steve wondered, not for the first time if he was entirely honest, how it'd feel to caress that face, to nuzzle the skin, to cover it with kisses... He blinked, shaking himself out of it. He couldn't, shouldn't, wouldn't go there- he valued Danny's friendship, he wasn't going to ruin it because he suddenly lusted after the guy.
A small part of him protested that it wasn't lust- well, at least not only lust but something else as well, something which exceeded pure physical desire. While he knew that this part was the responsible party for this snuggle fest he had allowed himself to indulge in, he also was aware that he was only making matters worse for himself.
So he got to his feet if with no small amount of regret and silently left the house after one last glance at his sleeping partner.
And now he couldn't sleep because he was at a loss of what to do. Well. At least he had told Danny how he actually felt about the Rachel issue, hadn't he? Okay, maybe he hadn't used so many words, but Danny would figure it out. Hopefully. Maybe. He had to.
Frowning, Steve stared up at the ceiling; he probably should have talked to Danny about Catherine as well. The last time she and Steve met, she told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't think that his heart was in it any longer when they saw each other. Which was true. But he didn't want Danny to draw the wrong conclusions, therefore he resolved to wait a little and see how things were turning out.
On the following weekend, Danny and Grace spent the Saturday at Steve's, because he had promised Grace to teach her stand-up paddle boarding. Which Danny deemed much safer than surfing, so he approved. And since Grace had badgered him all week, sending a record number of texts and calling him every night, he had even agreed to join in. Secretly, he'd been glad that Grace still so obviously wanted to spend time with him even though she had been thrilled by the arrival of her baby brother and talked about him a lot. Which was why Danny was actually very grateful about the planned activities; as pleased as he was for Grace, it was surprisingly painful to hear about the little guy.
With the exception of the hottest part of the day around noon, they spent most of the day in and on the water. Danny had to admit that he was having fun, and it did his heart good to see how much Grace enjoyed herself. And how great Steve was with her, showing much more patience than Danny expected him to have, and chasing her around in the shallow water once they had tired themselves out paddling, allowing her to give him a few duckings before they teamed up and went after Danny.
That night, Steve lay awake again, despite being pleasantly exhausted; it had been an exceptionally great day, and he kept reviewing his mental images of Danny looking positively delectable in nothing but boardshorts, of Danny laughing, of Danny and Grace napping in the hammock during their midday break... Unaware that he was doing so, Steve smiled. Grace was something else, and he was grateful that these people were such a vital part of his life now. He wished that they had stayed; Grace could have slept in Mary's old room and Danny... well, he'd probably have slept on the couch. Steve sighed; it'd be amazing to have Danny in his arms. Frustratedly, he turned onto his side and closed his eyes. If wishes were horses...
Steve once more realized just how important Danny and Grace had become to him when Grace was abducted by Rick Petersen. By the end of the day, Steve was as emotionally exhausted as Danny. He couldn't even say what had been worse: the fear that Petersen might hurt their girl or his worry that something might happen to Danny. When he saw him aiming his gun at Step-Stan, his stomach dropped like a stone, and not for the first time in only a few hours. He only truly stopped gritting his teeth however once they had found Gracie, when he saw her safely in her parents' arms.
Danny spent that night at Rachel's, since Stan was in the hospital anyway and he wanted to be close to his daughter. Rachel was actually glad not to be alone with the children, though they still had to talk about what happened.
Shortly after he got home himself, Steve got a text from Danny: Thank you. Grace is sleeping now.
It did a lot to quell the -however irrational and unjustified- jealousy of Rachel he'd been feeling just now. Smiling, he texted back: Glad to hear it. You okay?
He didn't immediately get an answer, so he took the phone upstairs and went to get a shower. He was just rubbing his hair dry when his phone pinged with Danny's reply: No. Could really do with a hug.
Steve's heart clenched at that because it told him how utterly shaken his partner still was. Anytime, Danno, he wrote.
Again, Danny took a while but in the end he sent one more text: Love you too, Babe.
Consequently, Steve went to sleep with a whole squadron of butterflies in his stomach.
On the following morning, he nevertheless arrived at HQ early because the previous day was bound to have caused a mountain of paperwork. He also needed to talk to HPD and the governor.
To Steve's surprise, Danny walked in half an hour after Chin and Kono, both of whom he waved at as he went straight into Steve's office. He didn't sit down but stopped in front of the desk.
“What are you doing here?” Steve asked. He hadn't expected Danny at all.
“I took Grace to school,” Danny said softly. “She absolutely wanted to go, and Rachel and I thought it's best if we keep to her daily routines.” His eyes still had a vaguely haunted look though, and he appeared slightly rumpled altogether; apparently, he hadn't taken a detour to his flat to change.
Steve eyed him sympathetically, ignoring the butterflies because they seemed inappropriate considering the circumstances: “Did you get any sleep at all?”
“Some.”
“You can take the day off, if you want to.”
“I shot Stan.” Danny's tone was flat as he said it, his voice as gravelly as it only got when he was very tired or sorrowful. “I should get on with the paperwork.”
“I already talked to Duke about it,” Steve countered. “You can give your statement tomorrow. Petersen's being processed in the meantime.”
“Thank you.” Danny rubbed his hand over his bloodshot eyes, looking small as he stood there with uncharacteristically hunched shoulders and utterly depleted as he was.
The corners of Steve's mouth quirked upwards as he got up, walked around his desk and came to stand in front of his partner: “Hey, Danno? I'm gonna give you that hug now, okay?”
Before Danny could react, Steve had pulled him into his arms, and it was exactly what he needed. All the terror he had felt, all the fear: he hadn't been able to shake any of it off, but now there was Steve's strength and affection, and to Danny it seemed as though he was finally able to release a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding.
He felt a lot of the tension seeping out of his frame as he leaned into the embrace, sagging a little because his knees suddenly felt like jelly, and just rested his cheek against Steve's shoulder with closed eyes, took in his familiar scent and allowed himself to be held. He could feel Steve's breath in his hair and his thumb rubbing little circles on his neck and the steady rhythm of his strong heartbeat through their shirts. He hadn't felt this safe and secure in ages.
He may have been drifting a little because the next thing he knew was Steve asking whether he was alright; reluctantly, Danny therefore straightened up and pulled back: “Yeah. Sorry. Just tired.”
Steve was looking at him with a curious expression but nodded: “You should go to bed.”
“Yeah.”
“I'll drive you.”
“You don't have to-”
“Oh yes, I do, since you'll probably fall asleep behind the wheel.”
Sadly, there was no denying that; Danny's eyes felt gritty and it was becoming difficult to keep them open. “You've got work to do,” he said nevertheless, but Steve, who was still standing mind-boggling close, just smiled down at Danny and shook his head: “It can wait. Besides, Chin and Kono are on it.”
“I don't want to be the teacher's pet,” Danny objected. “They'll put superglue on my chair or something.”
Laughing, Steve turned him around, steered him out of his office and waved at the cousins to join them. Kono immediately hugged Danny: “Hey, brah,” she said softly. “You okay?”
Gratefully, Danny pecked her on the cheek: “Getting there,” he replied. “Thanks.”
Chin hugged him as well: “How's Grace?”
“She's good,” Danny said, and his tired face actually lit up. ”She insisted on going to school today.” He sounded proud.
“She's strong, that one,” Chin said.
Steve cut in: “I'm going to take Detective Williams home now,” he announced. “If anyone asks for me.”
Danny promptly fell asleep in the car. Steve glanced at him a few times, still feeling the echo of his body against his own; for a moment, Danny had leaned against him with most of his weight, and Steve would happily have held on to him for the rest of the day.
Danny was so out of it that he didn't even wake up when the car stopped in front of his building. Steve got out and opened the door on the passenger side: “Danno?”
Startled, Danny opened his eyes, body immediately tense until he registered what was going on. Wearily, he opened the seatbelt and got to his feet, grateful for Steve's help. This time, it was understood that Steve accompanied Danny inside; in fact, he kept a light hand on his partner's bicep to steady him.
Once they had closed the door behind them, Danny stopped, turning towards Steve: “You're sure you've got some time?”
Steve nodded: “Yeah. They'll call me if they need me.” He'd do the paperwork later, work overtime if need be; right then, Danny was more important. And the way he had woken up all alarmed just now in the car told Steve how much the matter was still bothering him; understandable, of course, as long as Petersen hadn't even been convicted, but Danny shouldn't have to go through it alone. He knew how that felt, after all.
Steve tried to convince himself that this was a valid and noble (and only) reason for staying with him, but that small, annoying part which always called him out on things just snickered at that, telling him that he did undeniably have ulterior motives which had nothing to do with philanthropy.
He forgot all these thoughts however when Danny stepped closer to him, brought his arms up around him and burrowed his nose in his shirt. Bedazzled, Steve wrapped his own arms around him, feeling how Danny even tightened his own hold: “This okay?” he asked, muffled.
“Yeah,” Steve said softly after a moment of comprehension. “Anytime, Danno. I meant it.”
Danny sighed, his breath warm against Steve's sternum: “Thank you.”
Steve could feel that Danny was beginning to tremble from fatigue however, so he gingerly nuzzled Danny's temple: “Shouldn't you lie down?”
“No. This.”
A delicate shudder ran down Steve's spine and he suddenly felt jittery again, but in a good way: “Come on. I'm not going anywhere.”
“Steve...”
“Danno?”
“What did you mean when you said 'I'm also not sorry'?” At that, Danny looked up at Steve.
Damn it. Forget jittery; those butterflies were enough to bring even a SEAL to his knees.
His hand was shaking ever so slightly as he cupped Danny's cheek with it: “This,” he said, and then he kissed him, and the shaking stopped when he felt Danny kissing him back. It was tender, soft and absolutely the best kiss Steve ever had.
“Maybe don't speak in riddles next time,” Danny eventually said, smiling at Steve in a way that made his heart sing again. He nuzzled Danny's nose: “I love you, Danno,” he then replied. “That clear enough?”
Danny just beamed at him.
Arms still around each other, they slowly made their way to the bedroom. Danny was rapidly fading by now, despite the recent rush of adrenaline, and barely managed to get out of his shirt and pants, which he simply dropped where he stood before crawling under the covers. Steve picked the discarded clothes up and put them on a chair, then he paused, uncertain how to proceed until Danny reached out for him: “Come here, will you?” he muttered. So Steve joined him, if still in his shirt and cargopants, and gently wrapped his arms around Danny again, who nestled against him with a sigh and was out like a light just moments later. Steve rested his cheek against Danny's hair, marveling at the fact that apparently, they had both been blind but had finally realized what was what. That he was all Danny needed right then, and how good it felt to hold him, how glorious that kiss had been. He smiled and closed his own eyes; he could get used to these naps in the middle of the day, as long as Danno was with him.
Twice, Steve woke up because Danny was fidgeting and muttering something under his breath. Each time, Steve managed to calm his partner down by talking to him quietly and stroking his back until the trembling subsided and his breathing evened out. He felt fiercely protective of this man, and it tore at him to see him this vulnerable. It wasn't the first time, of course. Even though Danny looked tough at first glance and actually was, his emotional side kept making appearances. He never hesitated to voice his opinion and sometimes was a pain in Steve's ass, so Steve had learned to pay attention to him when he was quiet, which usually meant something was wrong or bothering him.
Danny, on the other hand, always paid attention to the people around him, which Steve reckoned probably was one of the reasons why he always worried. But it also was part of what made him such a good detective. He had an eye for details and he listened. He was the one who abruptly left a crime scene when he realized that the victim's teenaged son was bound to come home and Danny didn't want him to see the horror which his house had turned into. He was the one who had stayed at his ex-wife's side while she delivered the baby he initially thought was his. He often seemed to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders because he couldn't stop worrying. But Steve was determined not to let him carry the Rick Petersen case on his own, or anything else for that matter.
He vividly remembered how Danny told him about his brother and how he had been there for Danny after he had moved out, and it sounded as though Danny wouldn't have been able to cope with the situation otherwise. In Hawaii, Danny had been on his own for a long time until Steve came along, and he didn't even want to know how that had gone down. Steve had been in a pretty bad place himself when he returned to the Island, so for this reason alone, they would have understood each other: neither of them was a stranger to loss and grief.
But ever since that fateful day in the garage, Steve had been so much less alone, had always had someone to turn to; there was their ohana, of course, and occasionally Catherine, but mostly Danny. Danny, who wasn't intimidated by the depth of Steve's sorrow and distress, on the contrary: when Steve needed someone to have a beer with late at night, Danny was there. He'd nevertheless rant at Steve because of something he had done earlier (and there was always something, it seemed), but he'd provide comfort all the same. Just as their carguments did; sometimes Steve liked to provoke Danny just to get him started on whatever it was that Steve was supposedly doing or not going at the time, because the world was still in working order as long as Danny was ranting about something.
And he was so lovely when he did it, hands flying, eyes sparkling, mouth... Steve sighed dreamily and pressed a kiss on Danny's hair.
When Danny's bladder woke him up in the early afternoon, Steve was still there, sleeping as well, one arm around Danny's midriff. Danny regarded him for a while, happy about this sudden turn of events. Steve looked younger in his sleep and endearingly innocent for a man who probably knew at least seven different ways to kill someone with just his pinky.
When he absolutely couldn't postpone it any longer, Danny slowly disentangled himself from Steve and got up. In the bathroom, he also brushed his teeth and combed his fingers through his hair. He felt better now that he had slept.
Steve was blinking at Danny when he came back: “Hey,” he said softly. “Sleep well?”
Danny crawled back on the bed: “Yeah,” he said quietly, his gaze roaming over Steve's face before leaning in for a kiss, and another. “Better than ever.” Which was true, he realized, despite the fact that he thought he'd never be able to sleep again after the horror of the previous day.
Steve gently pulled him on top of him, running his hand through his hair: “I'm afraid I have to get back to the office. But I'm glad this happened.”
Danny shook his head: "Finally," he said, obviously amused.
Steve snorted: "Yeah."
“What about Catherine?” Danny then asked and it sounded almost timid.
“She broke up with me,” Steve said after a moment of hesitation. “Or rather, she told me to consider what I really wanted.”
“When?”
“Couple of weeks ago.”
“Why didn't you say something?”
“I didn't know how. I wouldn't have wanted to make you feel like... a substitute. And I wasn't sure about you anyway.” He hastened to correct himself: “I mean, I was sure about me wanting you, but-”
Danny grinned: “It's all right, I know what you mean. We're a complicated business.”
“Yeah.” Steve grinned as well, glad that Danny was obviously doing better.
Tenderly, he ran his fingers over Danny's face, tracing the fine lines around his eyes: “I love you so much, Danno,” he then said quietly. “I don't want to waste any more time.”
Danny regarded him for a moment, his eyes bright: “Me neither.” He smiled just so with the corners of his mouth that the butterflies all woke up again: “I love you more.”
As it happened, Steve didn't get back to HQ so soon.
The End