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Today was the day Killua was getting his bandages off.
It had happened when they were fighting a particularly powerful nen user. The guy was tough, but it was nothing the two of them couldn't handle together.
There was nothing they couldn't handle together.
It wasn't supposed to happen, it was supposed to be a challenging but successful fight. The bounty on the man's head was good money, and Killua had said that it would be a piece of cake. In fact, they had been winning the whole match with minor injuries, with Killua's speed being unmatched and Gon's raw power making any attempts at getting close to either of them incredibly risky.
It wasn't supposed to happen.
When Killua had gone in to land the final blow, the guy was already dying from the injuries he’d sustained throughout the battle. It was an act of mercy, really. The two of them normally didn't kill their opponents, but this man had apparently done some particularly vile things and the Hunter’s Association wanted him dead.
Despite going into the mission knowing they would have to kill, they wouldn't leave the man to succumb to his wounds in a painful, slow fashion. They’d already won, after all.
In fact, they both were so sure of their victory, they let their guards down.
With his dying breath, the man had made a nen pact, a pact that caused his nen to abruptly spike up by drawing power from his last remaining energy. By drawing from his life force, he pushed nen quills out with enough force and speed that Gon was amazed Killua had enough time to react at all. If he hadn't been as fast as he was, he would have been impaled. The thought of that alone terrified him.
But nothing chilled him to the bone like the sound of Killua's scream and the wet, squishing noise that filled the air momentarily as the nen spike struck Killua in the face.
In the eye.
Killua never screamed from pain, his family had pretty much trained that out of him. Knowing this only made the sound of his suffering even worse.
He didn't see much (Killua was kind of turned at an angle anyway), but he did see Killua's hands fly up to cover his left eye. He curled in on himself, his spine twisting and arching in pain. As Gon brought himself to Killua's side, he quickly realized the damage was unbelievably bad. Blood was seeping through his fingers as he held them to the socket, his face contorted in agony.
Gon could still remember how sick he felt. Even now, as he sat in the hospital waiting room, waiting for Killua’s doctors to call the both of them in. Killua sat beside him, the left side of his face wrapped tightly in gauze and medical tape.
He could still remember Killua's first night at the hospital.
He could remember lying in Killua's hospital bed, their bodies pressed closely together as Killua played a game on his phone. Gon remembered the clean smell of antiseptic and the rusty scent of blood. The nurse had spent the first few hours of Killua's stay darting back and forth, constantly replacing the bandages and gauze around his head. His eye kept oozing, soaking the wrappings through in just a little over an hour. Killua had joked that if they couldn't fix his eye he'd still be able to ‘rock a badass eye patch.’
Gon had laughed, Killua had too.
Eventually the nurse came in to tell Killua the news. The doctors had said that Killua would lose his eye, but they could fit a replacement inside the undamaged socket.
“A replacement?” Killua asked.
“Yes,” the blonde-haired, chubby-bodied nurse explained, “we have a very skilled nen surgeon on site that is capable of making functioning eyes.”
Killua chuckled lightly, “So, it will be like I never lost one at all?”
The nurse smiled awkwardly, “No, not exactly…”
Gon shifted at Killua's side, turning his body to face the woman more completely. He knew he was making a face, because the nurse looked increasingly uncomfortable.
“Not exactly?” Gon spoke firmly, trying not to let any heat burn up his words. He knew he shouldn't get angry with her, she wasn't the one who had hurt Killua, after all. Still, he couldn't hide the anger that boiled beneath the surface of his stony expression.
Killua nudged him in a silent attempt to get him to reel it in.
“I thought you said it'd be functional?”
“It is!” She assured, walking forward now that Gon had settled down slightly. She held out a clipboard that had a paper clipped on that featured dozens of different colored eyes, the top of the page reading, ‘A PERFECT FIT, EVERY TIME!’
“He makes a new eye for you that fits your socket flawlessly, and it can be any of these colors!” She smiled, pointing a perfectly manicured, red-painted nail at the sheet.
Killua's lips pursed as he scanned the options with Gon reading over his shoulder.
“None of these eyes look like Killua's,” Gon said flatly, looking at the nurse with a pinched brow.
The nurse visibly deflated, “Oh, yes, well…” She muttered, wringing her hands together as she found the correct words, “People with particularly unique eye colors, such as yourself, cannot be replicated perfectly.”
Gon could feel the anger bubbling up inside him again. He was angry at himself for letting this happen, he was angry at the man who had hurt Killua, he was angry at the hospital that couldn't fix him completely.
Killua placed his spindly, pale hand into his own calloused, thick-fingered one. He squeezed, signalling to Gon that everything was okay.
“That's fine,” Killua spoke calmly, though Gon could hear a very slight, almost undetectable tightness to his voice. “I don't blame him, it must be hard enough making eyes in the first place.”
He scanned the sheet again before pointing a finger at an eye that was blue-green, kind of like a lake bed. It matched the same shade that Killua had in his good eye, but wasn't the right hue. Gon guessed that from far away, they could look the same color, but up close the difference would be obvious.
“I'll take this one,” he smiled, handing the clipboard back to the woman.
Gon's throat clenched, “Killua, are you sure? What if we could pay him extra money to replicate it, what if there is someone else who could give you an identical eye?”
Killua flashed him a grin, “Gon, it's cool. It'll just be another conversation starter.” Killua shifted closer to him, wrapping an arm around his broad shoulders, “Besides, I'm still me! The color of my eye won't change that.”
Gon knew that. Of course he knew that.
The scent of copper hung in the air as blood and plasma started to creep through the fresh bandages over Killua's eye. The nurse moved in to start unwinding the dressing, a roll of fresh wraps and a bottle of antiseptic resting on a metal tray nearby.
Gon looked towards the television on the other side of the room before he could catch a glimpse of what Killua's damaged eye looked like. He felt like a coward, turning away from his friend like that. He didn't want Killua to think he was repulsed by him, but he just couldn't bear the thought of seeing one of Killua's beautiful midnight irises warped, vacant, and blind. The nurse never flinched at the sight, but Gon could sense her unease all the same. He was sure Killua could feel the same thing, which made him fear that he might realize that Gon and the nurse were more alike than he'd like to admit.
Killua was still smiling, making light-hearted jokes with the nurse. Killua still hadn't gotten an opportunity to see how his eye looked, which Gon was grateful for.
He feared the sight might tear that smile away.
“Killua Zoldyck?”
Killua looked up from his 3DS to look at the doctor peeking through the waiting room door. The man beamed Killua his best grin, radiating reassurance from his dimpled face.
“Hey, sport! You ready to take those bandages off for good?”
“Hell yeah I am!” Killua flashed his own perfect teeth at the man, standing up to walk over to the place that the doctor stood.
Gon trailed after, unable to shake the nerves that rattled his bones. Killua had got his eye replacement surgery done a little less than a month ago, and he'd healed remarkably well according to the doctors.
Still, this would be the first time both of them would get to see the finished product.
As the the three of them walked down the hall, the doctor and Killua maintained cheery conversation. Gon had tuned out only a few moments after they had begun talking, his eyes scanning the medical diagrams and posters on the walls.
Optical surgeries, cataract removal and repair, lasik eye treatment...
His stomach turned and twisted in knots. It had been a month and a half since this whole ordeal began, and yet it still felt like a fresh wound.
Or, at least, it felt that way to Gon.
Killua seemed totally at peace, he hadn't complained, sulked or anything after losing his eye. The only thing he'd made any kind of fuss about was how badly it itched underneath the bandages, but that was it.
Shouldn't he feel at least a little sad? Gon felt as though he was the only person who was still angry about it, even though he wasn't the one who had been injured.
Gon's eyes drifted away from the walls to lock on Killua's bright face. A stray thought buzzed at the back of his brain seeing the way Killua laughed at a joke that the doctor had made.
Maybe Killua was pretending so he wouldn't worry?
‘It wouldn't be the first time,’ Gon thought to himself, recalling a time from years ago when Killua had kept his true sorrows locked away to keep Gon happy. He recalled the night that he should have lost his life, and the months he'd spent bedridden, attached to a life support machine.
The way Killua felt then couldn't compare to how Gon was feeling now, he was sure. Killua had only lost an eye, whilst Gon had lost pretty much everything.
Gon bit his lip at the thought of Killua being the one strapped to a machine that kept his heart beating, his body twisted and warped.
It's no wonder why Killua didn't seem to mind.
“Here we are!” The doctor chimed cheerfully, gesturing to the door to the right of him. “Just step right on in and make yourself comfortable in the chair, a nurse will be in within a few moments to assist me in removing your bandages and stitches.”
“Cool,” Killua responded smoothly, hopping up onto the chair. He leaned back, flashing Gon a grin and a thumbs up.
Gon settled into a chair nearby, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. He couldn't fight the anxiety bubbling just beneath the surface, and he knew he wasn't hiding it well from the way Killua's face faltered.
He quickly tried to remedy it with a shaky smile, which unfortunately only made Killua look even more worried.
“What's wrong?” He asked, even though Gon was silently praying he wouldn't. The doctor was busying himself on the other side of the room, putting on a pair of clean rubber gloves and sterilizing some equipment.
“Nothing,” Gon quickly responded, trying to give Killua his best ‘I don't know what you are talking about' look.
Killua's facial expression flattened, “Nothing? Really?” His voice deadpanned, “What are you, twelve?”
Gon puffed out his cheeks, “No, there is just nothing wrong!”
Killua scoffed, “You are such an awful liar, you know that?”
“No I'm not!”
“Uh, yeah, you are.” Killua snorted, laughter hanging ever so slightly from his words, “You really think you could be dating me for three years and I wouldn't know by now when you are lying?”
Gon looked away, his face scrunching up in a childish fashion. He hated when Killua pulled the ‘dating’ card.
“I'm just… Nervous,” he begrudgingly admitted, digging his fingers into his knees.
Killua snickered, “Why the hell are you nervous? You just get to sit there while I'm the one getting stitches removed from my fucking eyelid.”
Gon's head whipped around to give Killua the best glare he could manage without looking too much like a spoiled child.
Gon began to flounder, “I'm just scared to see what it will—I mean, I'm just worried that—”
Killua gave him an exhausted expression, “You are worried about what it will look like, right?”
Gon bit his lip, rubbing his calloused palms together anxiously.
“W-well, a little… I'm… Just not sure how to feel.”
Killua blew a lock of his silver hair out of his face, “Yeah, well, neither am I.”
“R-really?”
“Yeah, you moron. I'm worried I'll look like a freak that escaped from the fucking freak show.”
“You just—” Gon's brows were set firmly, “—didn't even seem worried all this time.”
Killua rolled his eye, “Obviously! Even if I devoted all my time to sulking about it nothing would change, I'd still be stuck like this.” Killua rested his chin in his palm, looking over towards the wall. “Besides,” he spoke slowly, “at least I can still see.”
“...Yeah,” Gon relented, “I know you are right, I just…”
“Feel guilty?”
“Yeah.”
Killua smiled, his expression softening.
“I know exactly how you feel,” he said in a knowing tone, his voice holding enough warmth and love that it made Gon’s neck heat up despite nothing embarrassing being said.
The nurse entered before anything else could be said between the two young hunters.
“Good morning, sweetie!” She sang, giving Killua a motherly pat on the hand, “How are you feeling?”
“Fine,” Killua responded, his voice friendly, “eager to get this stuff off my face!”
The nurse and doctor both chuckled, stepping closer to start removing the bandages.
“Okay, Killua, so we are going to remove your dressings first, and then we will remove the stitches, alright?”
“Sounds good,” Killua agreed, sounding totally relaxed as the gauze started to be unwound from his face.
As each segment of antiseptic wrappings fell from Killua’s face, Gon could feel his pulse rising. This time, he wouldn't look away. He was determined to look head on at whatever the left side of Killua's face was going to be for the rest of their lives.
He wasn't going to be afraid of his best friend, or the boy he loved. Not anymore.
As the last of the bandages fell, Gon's heart caught in his throat.
Killua's eye was shut and had a stitched, light pink scar running vertically up his eyelid from where the nen spike had split it. It was a reminder of what had happened, sure, but it wasn't too hard to look at. The doctors were right, Killua was a fantastic healer.
“Okay, hon’, we are going to pull out the stitches now, okay? It'll be just a second.”
“‘Kay,” Killua responded simply.
The nurses’ hands started to glow ever so slightly with nen as she reached with her delicate fingers to start removing each stitch manually. Gon noted that the technique was similar to Machi’s, the pink-haired healer from the Phantom Troupe.
A few moments later, the last thread was pulled free.
“Alright, sport! You can open your eye now,” the doctor said with an award winning grin.
Gon held his breath.
Slowly, Killua’s left eyelid fluttered, as if getting used to the fact it could finally move. His eye opened gradually, the light from the overhead medical lamp catching the sparkling lake-green details that were carefully embedded in Killua's newly made eyeball. The light caused the pupil to constrict and his eye to water from being in the dark from so long.
“Oww,” Killua hissed, rubbing his eye carefully with a fist.
“Good, it's responding to light!” The doctor noted in a gleeful manner, “Can you see alright?”
Killua blinked rapidly for a few minutes, getting used to the bright light.
“It—ah, was a little fuzzy at first, but I can see just fine!” Killua affirmed, both of his eyes now wide and looking around the room as a pair for the first time in a long time. “Wow,” Killua gaped, “that nurse from the hospital wasn't kidding, your eye guy is amazing! I wouldn't even know the difference.”
Gon knew the difference, though.
He sat like a statue, absorbing the sight of the unfamiliar iris moving around in Killua's head. It was strange, seeing an eye he'd never looked into before now sitting where one of the eyes he'd spent years gazing into once was.
“Can I have a mirror?” Killua asked, looking to both the doctor and nurse hopefully.
“Sure thing, sport!” The doctor spoke warmly as he placed a mirror into Killua's pale hands.
Killua hesitated, but only for a moment, before tilting the mirror to look at himself for the first time without bandages.
“...Wow,” Killua breathed, running two of his fingertips along the edges of the scar that now adorned his face. His expression was soft, but difficult to read.
Was he sad? Was he happy? Was he angry?
Gon didn't know how he felt either. The eye that now filled the space where Killua's once was wasn't ugly, on the contrary, from what he could see from where he was seated, it was actually quite beautiful. It reminded him of the lake he used to fish in on Whale Island; deep colors, twinkling from the sunlight, and teeming with life. He remembered staring into that lake for hours at a time and never once feeling bored.
But…
It wasn't Killua. It wasn't Killua's swirling slices of midnight ocean that lurked behind milky lids with jet black lashes. It wasn't the eye that matched the pair that fluttered closed when they shared their first kiss. It wasn't that same kind of crystal clear blue that belonged only to his best friend.
Killua turned away from the mirror to look at Gon head on, the bi-colored irises coming to rest on his face.
“Well?” Killua sounded short on breath, almost as if he was afraid of what Gon was going to say.
Gon didn't know what he would say, and yet, here he was, trying to formulate an answer on his tongue.
“I…” Gon began, feeling stunned by the jarring sight of both mismatched orbs drilling into him. His mouth felt dry, he couldn't help but feel guilty. He felt like it was fault that he'd never see both of those blue-lilac jewels smiling at him again.
Killua was starting to look upset, though he was doing his best to hide it. His fingers were digging into his knee, his other hand clutching the mirror in a white-knuckled grip. He ran his teeth over his lip nervously, his eyes shimmering slightly with emotions he was trying to lock down.
Gon knew he had to speak before Killua got hurt, before he got the wrong idea.
“...I love it, Killua,” he smiled, standing up to walk over to the moon-bleached teen. He reached out to gently cup his jaw, causing Killua's breath to hitch.
“You do?” He whispered, his voice holding uncertainty.
Gon looked closely at the shimmering pond that was now Killua's left eye. He tilted his head slightly, so the light would penetrate the dark iris more completely.
“...Gon?” Killua murmured, watching as Gon examined his optic replacement.
Gon absorbed the way the light caught each ridge and detail, causing it to shimmer like pretty stones or silver fish at the bottom of a pool of green water. A faint, bluish ring circled the pupil, almost like a remnant of what was lost. Gon felt an ache inside he couldn't fight, but once he allowed his gaze to travel and explore Killua's face and sharp features, he felt his heart swell.
“It reminds me of the King’s Lake,” Gon began, causing Killua's eyes to widen, “you know, the one I liked to fish in back home?”
“Y-yeah,” Killua nodded slightly, “I remember.”
“It's really pretty,” he said, his voice genuine, “it kind of pulls me in, makes me want to go swimming or exploring.”
Killua's face reddened, his mouth shutting with a click.
“God, you are so embarrassing…” Killua muttered, but didn't look away, his eyelids falling until they became hooded. He smiled, pressing his face into Gon's palm before pressing a timid kiss to his wrist, right above his pulse.
Gon couldn't fight the grin that split his face, “You like it.”
“...Yeah,” Killua mumbled into Gon's skin, his eyes flicking away at last, a tiny curve still holding his lips.
The doctor coughed, clearly not wanting to be rude or interrupt the duo.
Killua nearly leapt out of his skin, having almost forgotten they weren't alone.
“Um, you are all set to go, Mr. Zoldyck. We'd like to see you back in three weeks just to see how you are recovering, please make sure to call if you are experiencing any kind of pain or spotted vision.” The doctor noted before moving towards the door with the nurse in tow.
The nurse, who was just about to leave behind the doctor, turned to smile, “I hope you both have a wonderful day!”
Gon smiled back, “Thank you, you too!”
Killua was too embarrassed to respond, not used to caving into shameless public displays of affection. It wasn't his fault, Gon just knew exactly what to say.
Gon turned to face him, “You ready to go?”
Killua nodded, sliding out of the chair to stand beside him, “Y-Yeah.”
Gon took one last look at Killua, absorbing the sight of the boy he loved completely with his new feature.
Killua's mismatched eyes would take getting used to, sure. But he loved Killua, and that meant he would love every part of him, all the same.
Gon let out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding. He smiled, and grabbed Killua's slender hand, giving it a squeeze.
“Let's go.”