Work Text:
“So I’ve learned a little bit about the need for circumspection when vlogging. In the past 11 months, I’ve made a few misjudgments and then compounded the error by posting them on the internet. Lesson learned, right? Well, not exactly. Maybe I’ll regret what I’m about to do, but I’m so angry and insulted I can’t hold this back. My name is Lizzie Bennet and Ca…I mean, the VC for a certain com…an unnamed woman who thinks she has some sort of power over me….has written me an email, and I’m going to read it to you. With names and places redacted to protect the identities of those involved.”
She paused and took a minute to collect her thoughts. She knew her intro graphic and music would be edited in here.
“If Charlotte were here, she would be the calm voice of reason and talk me out of what I’m about to do. But as it is, she's not here, and I’m …” She momentarily broke off, searching for the right words to describe the storm of emotions she was feeling “...too offended, dumbfounded, tasered and taken aback to exercise good judgment. So here goes:”
Lizzie cleared her throat, and used her best Catherine de Bourgh voice to read the salutation from a printed copy of an email which had had her fuming for the past two hours. “Dear Miss Bennet,” In her own voice, she editorialized “Really? Why must we be so formal? You’re going to unload your unwanted opinions and advice on a highly personal subject that is none of your business, and yet you begin this missive with ‘Dear Miss Bennet’?”
She realized there were several of her CdB impressions immortalized on the internet, so she attempted to semi-disguise her CdB impression. The result was a haughty voice forced through clenched teeth, and devoid of any accompanying facial movement. “It has come to my attention that, in an effort to better your job prospects and position in the digital entertainment world, you have set your sights on a lucrative job at ..uh…a certain company and by extension, my n..uh..a male person.” Using her own voice and her natural abundance of facial expression, she confided to the camera “Obviously I changed that part to protect the identity of an innocent party, but anyway…”
Back to the haughty voice and frozen face. “Not only have you presumed to aspire to employment for which you are not qualified, you have manipulated circumstances and opportunities to ensnare the affections of…” Again, she used her own voice and squinted her eyes as she muttered “someone who this controlling busybody thinks is off-limits to me”.
Deep breath.
Louder voice, pursed lips, masked facial expression, eyes flashing with indignation, she read “Wi..” “Uh, the person in question is more susceptible to your charms than he should be. Why this is, I cannot fathom, but I have heard from a reliable source that you have encouraged him to believe he is actually in love with you.” She paused, raised her gaze above the printed email in order to look into the camera, and self-consciously tucked her hair behind her ear as her face momentarily betrayed how hurt she was.
“As an experienced business woman, I must advise you to not attempt to advance your career ambitions by toying with a vulnerable young man’s heart. Exploiting a defenseless man’s sexual needs and misplaced affections will come back to haunt you.”
Lizzie paused to gape at the camera, nod and raise her eyebrows, and then continued “My advice on this matter is meant to protect you and your career from any long term harm that may result from a dalliance which has no future and one which you will rue once you are past the ignorance and naïveté that is so regrettably common among the young and inexperienced. ”
She directed a conspiratorial look at the camera. "Yes, you heard that right. She's protecting me." In a voice less angry and bordering on gleeful “Wait. It gets better”.
She continued reading from the paper in her hand in the affected voice and manner. “My source confides that you have already seduced him so my advice is not as timely as I would have preferred. However, it is not too late to warn you that these types of relationships are always short term and end messily. Any hopes you may harbor regarding a long term, committed relationship with my”. Here Lizzie inserted “person of concern” “are futile and without foundation.”
Lizzie's sarcasm was at full throttle, as she took time out from reading to dryly observe “I’m lucky someone who is so smart and knows so much about the situation is providing me with the ending to this alleged affair. Saves me the trouble of wondering what will eventually happen to the self-serving, plotting villainess in her fictitious story. I gotta say I’m disappointed that there is no suspense in this imaginative story since the messy ending is inevitable. ”
Scanning the email to find her place and resume reading, she tapped her finger on the next paragraph. “This next part is so ludicrous I need to warn the viewers that discretion is advised, lest you be as insulted as I am."
She cleared her throat and read in a haughty voice, with clenched teeth, expressionless face and nose tilted upward. “Someone of your middle class background cannot grasp the depth and breadth of the responsibilities of”. In her naturally expressive voice, she inserted ”this person who couldn’t possibly be expected to know his own mind and heart according to Ms. Know-It-All”.
Reverting to letter reading voice, she continued with “His elevated position in society and in the business world makes it necessary for him to be ever mindful that his actions have profound consequences, and even the appearance of poor judgment or dishonorable behavior, may have an adverse, though unintended effect. He must always be prepared to answer, without shame or fear of censure, to his board of directors, his shareholders, his peers and his family.”
She blew out her cheeks and let the air escape slowly through pursed lips before continuing.
“I’m confident you will recognize the wisdom and truth of my words. You appear to be reasonably intelligent and capable so I’m certain I could assist you in advancing your career with a few well-placed phone calls and letters of recommendation, provided you end your current relationship with” Lizzie ran out of patience with trying to redact the ‘my nephews’ and ‘Williams’ in the email and inserted “this guy” in her own voice.
“I trust in your good judgment and stand willing to offer guidance. Please let me know at your earliest convenience how you wish to proceed.”
Lizzie raised an eyebrow to the camera.
“Sincerely,
The One Who Shall Not Be Named” Pause. “Not named because of any actual fear on my part, but because of general liability issues.”
She exhaled a long breath as she assembled her thoughts.
“So maybe posting this is a mistake, but if so, I make it willingly.” The last part said with more confidence. "After all, a plebeian like myself cannot be held to the same standards of decorum and discernment that patricians are."
She gave a short, mirthless laugh.
“To think that some woman, who is not connected to me in any meaningful way, believes she has a say in whom I choose to seduce, hook up with or fall for is ludicrous."
"How dare she? I mean, this delusional woman has the audacity to hit me with ‘the wisdom and truth of her words’ which are so vulgar and demeaning that I can't even--blahh-- wrap my head around them. But then, just when I think she can't be any more offensive, she somehow trumps her supremely insulting comments by attempting to bribe me into ending a relationship which doesn’t even exist.” As an after thought, she added "As if I would ever end a relationship because she didn't approve of it."
Holding up her hands and shaking the email at the camera for emphasis, she semi-growled in a raised voice “This defies comprehension.”
She wadded up the email and threw it over her shoulder.
“Ladies and gentlemen, my mind is officially blown,” accompanied by a gesture of her head exploding.
Leaning towards the camera, she said “And just exactly who is this ‘reliable source’ who is providing so-called facts about my love life and career ambitions?” Lizzie’s expressive face showed a dawning of comprehension as the truth occurred to her. She knew exactly who would have been most likely to whisper half-truths, innuendos and possibly outright falsehoods in her accuser’s ear. She visibly restrained herself from naming her suspicion.
Another deep breath.
“Well, now, as to 'how I wish to proceed'…” she let the words hang for a few seconds.
“I wish to proceed by living my life without unwelcome guidance from someone who doesn’t even know me or the situation. I’ll thank her for her officious advice and proceed to do exactly as I please. Just like any other citizen in this country who is free to pursue happiness wherever they want and with whomever they want.”
She smirked and concluded with “So, in summary: Catherine de Bourgh, you can bite me”.
The name was edited over with a loud “aye-oogah” submarine dive alarm sound before she uploaded it to the internet.
*****
Darcy watched the video from his hotel suite on Michigan Avenue in Chicago.
His heart was pounding as he realized immediately who the author of the email was.
He flushed at his aunt’s presumptive meddling, and was overcome by a feeling of dread. A roaring in his ears prevented him from hearing her next few words so he had to push the cursor back and start over. He felt his stomach drop as he hit play. Any progress they had made while she was at Pemberley was about to be negated.
When Lizzie finished reading the salutation and alluded to his aunt’s forthcoming intrusion into her private life, he hit the pause button.
He was at a loss as to what to do next. He picked up his phone, and stared at the darkened screen. He needed to call her immediately and assure her that his aunt was terribly wrong and begin apologizing profusely.
He unlocked his phone and opened his favorites lists. (After she left Pemberly, he had taken her contact information from his digital address book and added it to a very short list of “favorites” along with a picture of her, even though he had never called her and had only texted her on one occasion and that was to confirm a lunch order). His thumb hovered over her name. What would he say? He was sorry his aunt was an idiot?
He was deeply sorry about whatever was going to come next in this email, but he wouldn’t be able to detail what Aunt Catherine was wrong about or specifically apologize for the multitude of inappropriate statements and outright insults that were sure to be contained in her email unless he made himself watch the entire video, beginning to end.
With a gulp, he set down his phone and hit play.
He watched as Lizzie read the email, and his worst suspicions were confirmed. His aunt was offering presumptive, offensive, unsolicited advice. Both career and romantic. Great. Just great. It would be okay with him if he just died right this minute.
The mortification of hearing his aunt call him defenseless, refer to his sexual needs and slander a non-existent sexual liaison was too much for him. He hit the pause button until the wave of nausea had passed. He was tempted to close the tab and quit watching, fearing somehow his aunt would manage to one up herself as she explained how Lizzie would be ‘haunted’. How long was this email? He offered a silent plea to his aunt: can you for once in your life keep your tirade short?
Brevity was unlikely. Aunt Catherine was capable of making officious statements throughout an entire five course meal. Who was he kidding? She could provide unwanted and loquacious advice indefinitely. Or at least enough to last a three day weekend as she had proven on more than one occasion.
Public humiliation on the internet was an all too familiar experience. Was there any point in familiarizing himself with all the details of his aunt’s humiliating diatribe? Maybe, maybe not. He hoped his imagination might be worse than the reality. Lizzie had referred to him as an ‘innocent party’. This was grounds to hope she wasn’t lumping him in with his aunt’s despicable behavior.
Less than 2 minutes were left of the video. He could do this. He had survived humiliation in front of thousands of people before, he would survive it again, and he was desperate to make amends, but he needed to know what he was up against so he hit the play button and held his breath.
Did she just imply Lizzie was ignorant? Oh, God, no. There was no recovering from that. He was consumed by anger and despair. He truly was cursed with the least desirable relative on the face of the earth. Gigi had actually said those exact words before, and he had reprimanded her, reminding her that exaggerations were misleading and should be avoided. He would apologize to Gigi too.
And who the hell was the ‘source’? And why would this person prevaricate about a seduction which never happened? And that Lizzie would be the predatory seductress if it had?
Her comments on class distinction and suggestion that Lizzie was incapable of understanding the standards of behavior expected of those living amongst the highest echelons of society were painfully embarrassing. He actually experienced physical pain in his chest and had to take deep breaths until the discomfort passed.
He could hardly believe he had ever had even remotely similar thoughts. No wonder she had hated him. He was profoundly ashamed of his aunt and of himself for his former assumptions regarding class. He would spend the rest of his life thanking Lizzie for helping him understand that he was, or rather had been, 'a stuck up, snobby douchebag'. Some of her accusations against him were ill-founded, but there really was no excuse for his elitist views and unwillingness to at least try to be friendlier and more approachable.
Self-examination had rendered a portrait of a man who thought very highly of himself and did not believe people outside his family, close friends and the employees of Pemberley Digital warranted any special courtesy, tolerance or consideration. Before she arrived at Pemberley, he had done his best to correct his self-absorption and increase his awareness of other people’s perspectives. He hadn’t expected to ever see her again. When he had the chance to redeem himself during her internship stay, he seized it, making a concerted effort to show her that he had attended to her reproofs regarding his less than gentlemanly behavior and bore her no ill will. Things seemed to be going so well. Just when he felt he was making some headway in winning her over, the whole sex tape thing happened, and Wickham once again harmed someone who he held dear.
Nearing the end of the email, he had given up all hope of ever digging himself out of the dark pit of despair which Aunt Catherine's meddling had cast him into. He could never overcome the bullshit she had just shoveled on Lizzie. Maybe he would just move to a mountaintop in Tibet for the remainder of his days.
When the video reached the part where his aunt offered to help Lizzie with her career if she would end the relationship, he barked out a bitter laugh. She had ended it on Halloween before it ever got started.
Lizzie’s “bite me” response to his aunt’s email perfectly captured his own response to his aunt’s monstrously abusive language and repugnant interference. He was tempted to call his aunt and tell her just that. But before calling his aunt, he made himself watch the tape again.
This time around, he concentrated less on his aunt’s words and more on Lizzie’s comments and reactions. As he listened to her descriptors of him, he began to have hope that Lizzie understood he didn’t agree with his aunt at all.
The comment about “know his own mind and heart” implied Lizzie believed he would do whatever was in his mind and heart without regard to what his aunt expected.
Her words emphasizing her independence in deciding who ‘to seduce, hook up with or fall for’ made his heart beat faster. His aunt hadn’t said anything about Lizzie ‘falling for’ him.
He was further buoyed by her closing statements regarding her own plans to pursue whomever made her happy, and his aunt didn’t have any right to expect otherwise. Surely, if she was not interested in him as anything more than a friend, she would have railed about his aunt's insults, and then she would have frankly stated that his Aunt Catherine had nothing to worry about. Or at least, he hoped that was the case. Lizzie wasn't one to mince words in her vlogs.
By the third time he had gotten through the video to the submarine dive alarm sound and “bite me”, he was almost giddy with excitement and hope. He would need to regulate those emotions and lower his expectations if he was going to see her again and not scare her.
And he was going to see her again. He just needed to get through the next two days of meetings, change his Chicago to San Francisco flight and reserve a rental car. He was already picturing himself driving from the airport to the Bennet home in order to see her face to face. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was going to say yet, but he would work on it over the next couple of days. It was imperative to see her as he spoke to her. He could then judge for himself whether or not there was any reason to believe that, given enough time and encouragement, she might eventually return his love.
He emailed Reynolds with instructions to make the necessary arrangements and adjust his schedule.
Without agonizing over it any further, he impulsively texted her “My aunt is wrong.” Everything else he had to say could wait until he was able to see her in person.