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Chapter Text

“John,” Aeryn said. “John wake up! You’re going to crash the frelling ship!”

“Woah!” John jerked back to full awareness and maneuvered the module away from the treetops.

“There’s someone in an armored flying suit beside us,” Aeryn said. “For the 20th time I wish you’d let me put guns on this ship.”

“And for the 20th time, guns are for prowlers not modules.” John said craning his neck to try and catch a glimpse of the person chasing them, “Besides I’m pretty sure I can outfly-holy shit!” John finally got a good look at their pursuer. The pursuer waved. John waved back. “Fucking unreal.”

“Crichton?” a voice came through the radio. “John Crichton is that you?”

“Do you know him?” Aeryn asked.

“Uh, I know of him, kinda.” John said uncertainly.

“It is you!” The voice was ecstatic. “I'd recognize those unusually large hands anywhere. Alright, listen. Your rather abrupt entry into U.S. airspace has frightened quite a few people with big red buttons so I’ve been asked to escort you to S.H.I.E.L.D directly but screw that, you’re coming to the penthouse. Pepper is gonna flip. Hey, can you hear me? Friday, is this thing on? Talk to me John-boy.”

John licked his lips and thumbed the radio mic, “Hey… hey Tony. Tony Stark. Right?”

“Back from the dead and he still knows my name. Alright, just follow my lead,” Tony said and veered to the right. “I’ve got a landing pad at Stark tower that’s the perfect size for the Farscape module, which you seem to have made some interesting upgrades to. We’ll have to talk about those.”

“Who is Tony Stark? He worked on your Farscape project?” Aeryn asked.

“No.” John said. “No he didn’t. He shouldn’t know anything about this module. Or me for that matter!”

“Well, there were all those news programs we appeared on the last time we were here,” Aeryn said.

John shook his head, “Nope. No way he could have seen those.”

“What makes you so sure?” Aeryn asked.

“Because Tony Stark. That guy flying around in a suit of armor. He isn’t real.” John said. “He’s a fictional character that I read about in comic books when I was a kid.”

“Well,” Aeryn paused. “That can't be good.”

Chapter Text

John left the radio mic off on the flight back so he and Aeryn could plan. At first, he was concerned that Tony would get suspicious when he didn’t say anything, but Tony seemed perfectly capable of carrying on a two-person conversation by himself.

“Think it could be Maldis?” John asked.

“This doesn’t feel unsettling enough to be Maldis,” Aeryn answered. “Not yet, anyway.”

“Harv?” John said.

Harvey is lying on John’s childhood bed in a pair of polka dot pajamas. He’s reading Marvel Comics: Iron Man issue 128.

“This is not my doing, John.” Harvey says, “Though I have to say, this “Demon in a Bottle” storyline is a masterpiece. Who needs Shakespeare when you can read words with pictures?!”

“Get out of my bed!” John yells and drags Harvey off the bed. He yanks the comic book out of Harvey’s hands and starts thumbing through it himself. “Can’t believe mom sold these.”

“Did I freeze up while we were in the wormhole?” John asked Aeryn.

“No,” Aeryn said, “Once we hit Erp’s atmosphere though…”

“That’s not an encouraging pause,” John said. “What happened?”

“You had a seizure. It didn’t last long, 2 or 3 microts. You had me worried,” Aeryn said.

“Sorry, honey. I’ll try not to do that again,” John said.

“What are you going to tell him?” Aeryn asked.

“I have no idea,” John admitted. “I thought I was used to weird, but this is a bit much.”

“You said he’s a hero?” Aeryn asked. John nodded. 

“Well, he’s got his flaws. That’s what made the Marvel superheroes more compelling than DC’s, if you ask me,” John said.

“I didn’t,” Aeryn said with a smile. “He seems excited to see you and intends to keep us away from law enforcement.”

“Which is always a plus,” John said. He whistled low when he saw Stark Tower come into view. “Ok so he knows me and he knows about the Farscape project. And if he’s anything like what I’ve read about, which is still very weird to say, then he’s gonna have all kinds of questions.”

Tony landed feet first on a smaller pad then waved at the larger one adjacent to him. His voice came through the radio again, “Mind the quinjet.” John studiously avoided bumping the other larger aircraft on the landing pad.

“Alright,” Aeryn said, “I’ll follow your lead.”

“Ok,” John said.“Tony Stark is friendly towards me. I am friendly with Iron Man. Ok.” He said again and opened the hatch. By the time he had climbed down Tony was already out of his armor and running over. John was not expecting the bear hug and he winced as Tony’s embrace pulled on an old injury.

“It is so good to see you! I always knew you didn’t die! There would have been debris, right? Right. Of course there would have been debris. I just want you to know I tried to look for you but the board …well, I’d sunk a lot of money into the project and with you and the module gone…anyway! I got Pepper on the line and she’s running some interference with the media. Standard weather balloon stuff. Who is she?” Tony leered at Aeryn.

“This is Aeryn Sun, my wife,” John said.

Tony went bug-eyed. “Your…your wife! John-I-don’t-have-time-for-serious-relationships-because-I’m-married-to-my-work Crichton has a wife?”

John giggled, “Pretty weird, right?” he said and grinned at Aeryn.

“Very weird,” Aeryn said and grinned back.

“So,” John said, eager to deflect attention from himself and his weird life, “Tell me about that armored suit. Pretty sure you didn’t have that when I left.”

“Well after the Farscape fiasco- I mean after you went missing, I went back to what I was good at,” Tony said.

John frowned, “Manufacturing weapons again, huh?”

“No! Well yes but THEN no. I saw the error of my ways and built that rad suit but that story is still far less interesting than how the hell you got married and where the hell you’ve been all this time,” Tony said. He rubbed his arms fiercely “Let’s go inside, I’m freezing my balls off up here.” Tony began walking briskly towards the glass door entrance to the tower.

“I didn’t think it was possible," Aeryn muttered in Sebacean, "but he talks more than you do."

Chapter Text

Waiting just inside the door was a redheaded woman who also gave John a very tight embrace. She was crying.

“Let the man breathe, Pepper,” Tony said and Pepper let John go.

“I can’t believe you’re standing here,” Pepper said softly.

“Honestly,” John said with a giggle, “Neither can I.”

“You want something to eat, something to drink?” Tony said as he went behind a bar in the corner. “I’ve got, well, pretty much everything.”

“I’ll take a beer,” John said.

“I want a Big Mac” Aeryn said.

“Beer and Big Macs…” Tony groaned, “You know I’m a billionaire right? Alright, alright,” Tony grabbed a six pack out of the refrigerator. “Friday, get an Uber Eats for McDonalds. 2, no, 4 Big Macs.”

“On it, boss,” a disembodied voice replied.

“What the-“ John started. He turned in a circle and eyed the ceiling warily.

“That’s Friday, she’s the new Jarvis,” Tony explained.

“What happened to the old Jarvis?” Aeryn asked.

“That’s a complicated story that can wait for another time because again, John. Where the hell have you been? Far away from here I assume.” Tony brought over the six pack and handed John a beer. John cracked it open and took a long swallow while he formulated his thoughts.

“Go big or go home, John,” Harvey says. They’re standing in a boxing ring and Harvey’s dressed like Rocky Balboa. He chases a chicken around the ring. “Give him the old one-two.”

“Look, Tony, I’m gonna level with you.” John said. He waited until Tony was taking a drink from his own beer to continue, “Ten years ago while I was running a test flight on the Farscape module, I got shot through a wormhole to the other side of the universe.”

“OK first of all, that was 15 years ago but I figured as much. So was it an Einstein-Rosen bridge or-“ Tony began.

“You weren’t involved,” John said.

Tony spit out a mouthful, “Excuse me,” he said. “I wasn’t involved? That’s not how I or my accountants remember it.”

“Look, I’m sure you were involved with this Farscape project. But mine was funded through I.A.S.A,” John said.

“What the hell is I.A.S.A.?” Tony interrupted.

“That doesn’t matter. The point is we,” John said and waved a hand between himself, Tony, and Pepper. “have never actually met.” John took another long swallow then said, “Aeryn and I are from an alternate reality.”

“Ok,” Pepper said. “I’m confused.”

“You get used to it,” Aeryn told her.

Chapter Text

“Your Big Macs are here, boss,” Friday’s voice broke the silence.

“Pepper would you mind,” Tony said.

“I’m not your secretary anymore,” Pepper said absently. “So, when you say alternate reality?”

“That’s ridiculous” Tony said, “You’re not from an alternate reality! I know you. You are my friend, John Crichton. We went to college together. You got me shitfaced after my parents’ funeral. I spoke at your funeral.”

“That wasn’t me, though,” John said in the most measured voice he could manage.

 “Bullshit! You’re standing right here,” Tony said. “And how do you know my name if we’ve never met?”

“It isn’t going to work, John,” Aeryn said softly. “He won’t believe you.”

John ignored the warning and continued, “Aeryn and I were on the run from some bad mofos and we made a bad decision to try and get away by taking the Wormhole Express. Clearly something went wrong and we ended up…here, having this very surreal conversation with you.”

A look of understanding came over Tony’s face. “Now I get it,” he said. “Pepper, why don’t you make an appointment for John with Dr. Stein. Clearly John is having a nervous breakdown no doubt due to stress from his intergalactic ordeal.”

John turned to Aeryn, “You’re right.  Let’s get outta here,” John said. He turned on his heel and started walking back towards the landing pad.

“Wait!” Pepper shouted. “Wait. You don’t have to leave. Tony, go get the cheeseburgers.”

“I’m not your-“ Tony started but cut himself off at Pepper’s glare. “Sure, got it. I’ll get the cheeseburgers. Nothing to see here, I’m just being ordered around in my own tower.” He stormed out of the room but forgot to slam the door.

“John, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through,” Pepper said.

“Pepper I’m not crazy. Well, ok, yes I am crazy but not about this.” John said.

“So then where…how?” Pepper wasn’t even sure which question to ask.

“Like John said, we didn’t have anywhere to go,” Aeryn said.

Pepper processed this, “Ok, well for all intents and purposes, as far as everyone here is concerned you are the same John Crichton who was the lead on the Farscape project and has been presumed dead for 15 years. That alone is going to turn you into a celebrity. If people knew you were a different John Crichton, well let’s just say that S.H.I.E.L.D. might be trying a little harder to get you into an interrogation room.“ Both John and Aeryn’s hands went to their pulse pistols. Pepper noticed. “Tony won’t let that happen.” Aeryn took her hand off her pistol. John did not. Pepper opened her mouth to say something else but was interrupted by her cell phone ringing. She held up a finger to pause her conversation with John and put the phone to her ear, “Yes?” Pepper frowned then turned to speak to John, “Tony wants to know how you know about him if you’ve never met.”

“That’s,” John stuttered. “That’s complicated, ok! The universe is a strange, strange place and weird things happen. People go to alternate realities sometimes and sometimes comic book characters in one reality are actual, real people in another reality and sometimes they happen to bear strong resemblances to Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow.”

Pepper turned away again to speak with Tony. She spoke softly but Aeryn still heard, “I think maybe you’re right about the appointment with Dr. Stein.”

“Dren!” Aeryn says.

“Dren? What dren!?” John asked.

“They want to put you in the Looney Tunes,” Aeryn said.

“Like hell am I gonna let that happen! Ok I got an idea. Pepper!” John spoke loudly to get the woman’s attention. “Ask me a softball question. Something John Crichton should definitely know about you or Tony.”

“Ok,” Pepper said slowly. “What are Tony’s parents’ names?”

“I don’t know,” John said with a laugh. “Give me another one!”

“What are my parents’ names?” Pepper asked with a waver in her voice.

“I don’t have a clue. Hit me again,” John said.

Tony burst through the doorway, “What fruit am I allergic to?”

“Don’t cheat! That’s not an easy question,” John said.

“Who did I suggest should fly the module instead of you?” Tony pushed.

A fire went hot in John’s eyes and he said, with no little amount of steel in his voice, “You. Wanted someone else. To fly MY module?“

“Stop screwing around!” Tony shouted.

“I’m not screwing around, Tony!” John shouted back. “Would you please just listen to me, please? Aeryn and I do not belong here and the longer we stay the more likely things are going to get worse. So we’re going to leave now,” John said.

Tony shook his head, “No.”

 “Tony,” Pepper started.

Aeryn smirked, “Try and stop us.”

“John, you need help and not just the psychiatric kind. I mean, seriously, how long has it been since you’ve been checked out by a doctor who actually specializes in humans? Also” Tony said and raised his hand with the McDonald’s bag. “I got your damn Big Macs.”

Chapter Text

Sitting around the dinner table, Tony and Pepper stared in mild fascination as John and Aeryn savored every bite of their burgers.

“I don’t think I can ever have too many of these,” Aeryn said to John with her mouth full of the last bite of processed meat and cheese. “So juicy!”

“Right!?” John said.

“For all of your species’ faults,” Aeryn said as she scraped some cheese off the burger wrapper, “and there are many, you do know how to make good food.”

“Excuse me,” Tony said to Aeryn. “Could you speak in English?”

“I could,” Aeryn said in English before she switched back to Sebacean, “But I don’t want to. Do you have a plan yet, John?”

“I’m working on it,” John said.

“Work faster. This man is obsessed with you and it’s probably because he feels responsible for the other John’s disappearance.” Aeryn said. She switched back to English, “I was telling John that despite your species’ many deficiencies, you know how grill meat.”

“You’re an alien?” Pepper asked.

“I’m a Sebacean,” Aeryn said. “You do realize that calling everyone who isn’t human an ‘alien’ is insulting?”

“Did you or did you not just refer to my entire species as deficient?” Tony asked.

“The difference is that I’ve had ten cycles to get to know humans,” Aeryn said. She smiled at John, “I got to know one particularly well. And I’ve had a lifetime to learn about countless other species. How many non-humans have you met.”

Pepper looked at Tony before answering, “Besides you?  Just one. He’s Asgardian.”

“Asgardian?” John asked. “Thor? You’re talking about Thor.”

“You know him?” Tony asked.

“You’re not gonna like my answer to that question,” John said.

“Right,” Tony snapped, fed up with the situation. “Alternate realities. Comic books. Guess you know all about the Avengers, huh?”

“Actually," John said. “I don’t. I put down the comic books and picked up the aeronautics books when I was 16. Maybe if the Avengers had a successful movie or television franchise I'd be more familiar with the story and not just the names. I'm telling you the truth Tony.”

Tony ground his jaw, then said, “I don’t believe you.”

“So, what’s it gonna take? What do I have to do to prove that I’m not who you think I am?” John asked.

Tony snapped his fingers. “B.A.R.F.!” he said in excitement.

Aeryn leaned over to John, and whispered, “Are we sure he’s not the insane one?”

John shook his head at Aeryn and said,“Seems weird but-.“  He began to stick his finger down his throat.

Tony’s eyes widened in alarm and he reached out to pull John’s hand away. John flinched and jerked his hand out of Tony’s grip. “Not like vomit,” Tony said. “Binarily Augmented Retro-Framing.”

“You should work on that acronym,” John said while he wiped his finger off on his pants.

“Yeah, I’ll get around to it,” Tony said.

“Binarily Augmented Retro-Framing. What is that, a lie detector that actually works?” John asked.

“It's a memory recall device,” Tony said.

The next 5 seconds happened faster than Pepper could keep track of. John stood up and pulled out his pulse pistol and aimed it straight at Tony. Aeryn followed suit shortly after but she aimed her pulse pistol at Pepper. Then one of the gauntlets of the Iron Man suit started flying into the room and assembling around Tony’s right hand.

“No! No! Hell no!” John protested loudly.

Then the door swung in and Steve Rogers entered the scene, “Commander Crichton, put the gun down!”

Chapter Text

“You have got to be kidding me!” John said incredulously, and he pivoted to point Winona at Steve, who raised his shield up to chin level.  Aeryn shifted her stance so she was now covering Tony. “Now, I know that shield is bullet proof,” John said, “But is it little-yellow-bolts-of-light-proof?”

“Steve?” Tony asked, “What are you doing here?”

“You said you were going to escort  a space shuttle that's been misisng for 15 years to S.H.I.E.L.D. and instead brought it straight to Stark tower,” Steve said. “That’s why I’m here. Put the weapon down, Commander Crichton.”

“I’m not doing a spin in the Total Recall chair,” John said definitively. He swung back to Tony and continued, “And I’m not gonna let you put me in a cell either, padded or otherwise.” John fired Winona at Steve and hit the vibrianium shield dead center. Steve was knocked back a few steps but the shield itself remained undamaged. John looked from WInona to Steve and said, “Wow, I guess it is little-yellow-bolts-of-light-proof.”

“John, it’s time to tell them the truth." Aeryn said loudly in English. "He doesn’t believe your story about alternate realities and comic books.”

"Huh?” John asked.

Softly and in Sebacean Aeryn said, “The new plan is you play along with them.” She switched back to English and said, “Tell them about the first Scarran you met.”

“I don’t.” John said. “You know I don’t like to talk about that.”

“I know,” Aeryn said. She holstered her pulse pistol and moved in closer to John so she could lay a hand on his cheek. “But Tony needs to understand why you’re…different than the man he remembers.”

Understanding dawned in John’s eyes and he nodded. “Right,” he said. He turned around to face Tony. “Scarrans are some of the scariest motherfuckers you will ever meet. The first one I met tortured me. Now, every other time I’d been tortured it was all about pain, you know? This was different. I was the first human this Scarran had met and he was…curious. He invaded my mind and made me think I was back on Earth. Except people I’d met in the Uncharted Territories, friends and enemies, were actually just regular folks doing their thing. Aeryn was my doctor. My friend Zhaan was my psychiatrist. Everything started to get downright surreal.” John paused to take a deep breath and possibly swallow back some tears. He continued, ”I saw my mom and she was fine and then suddenly she was back in the hospital and it was…the Scarran wanted to break me down mentally.”

Tony nodded slowly and said, “I think it worked.”

“Do you know my parents’ names?” John asked.

“Jack and Leslie,” Tony said immediately, “You have two sisters, Olivia and Susan. You love pizza and margaritas but have very strong opinions on whether they should be paired on a menu.”

“Wow,” John said, “I think I need to-“ he trailed off and collapsed on the floor.

Chapter Text

“John!” Aeryn instantly kneeled by John, who had begun seizing, and Tony was by her side an instant later.The seizure ended after a few seconds but John remained unconscious.  Softly, she said in English, “There’s something you have to understand, Stony. What that Scarran did-”

“Ok, first of all it’s Tony with a T,” Tony said, “and second of all if that’s the worst thing that ever happened to John then-“

“That’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened to John!” Aeryn finished her sentence. “That’s not in the top five. In fact, I doubt that little episode would make the Litterman’s List.”

Tony scrutinized Aeryn, “Are you referring  to the Letterman List?” he asked.

“Yes,” Aeryn said as she turned her attention back to her husband. “John explained that Letterman is another word for the number ten. It was a long time ago. Right now, he needs to see a doctor, this isn’t the first seizure he’s had.”

“Lucky for us I know the best doctors,” Tony said.

Chapter Text

Dr. Helen Cho asked Aeryn and Tony to wait outside the examination room.

After a significant amount of silence during which Tony tried and failed to break the ice while Aeryn tried and failed to stare a hole through the wall, Tony finally asked,” So, how did you two meet?”

“We both became trapped on a prisoner transport ship during an escape,” Aeryn said.

Tony blinked and said, “That’s unusual.”

Aeryn nodded.

More silence passed.

“Who was that other man? Does he know John too?” Aeryn asked.

“That’s Steve Rogers and no, he doesn’t know John,” Tony said.

“Is he dangerous?” Aeryn asked.

Tony frowned at Aeryn and said, “When he wants to be.”

Aeryn nodded again and stood as Dr. Cho stepped out of the exam room. John followed after her, looking dazed.

“Aeryn would it surprise you to learn that this human doctor has even less of an idea what’s wrong with my brain than the Diagnosan we saw two monens ago?” John asked as he slung an arm around Aeryn’s shoulders.

“There are still quite a few tests I’d like to run on you, Commander Crichton,” Dr. Cho said.

“Can’t always get what you want, doctor,” John said with a wave of his hand. “Tony, my man! Do you have a spare bedroom in this tower?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. Several actually,” Tony said and started walking towards the elevator. “Would you at least consider doing a couple of Dr. Cho’s tests?”

John sighed, leaning heavily on Aeryn while they followed Tony. “Let me sleep on it,” he said.

Chapter Text

After showing John and Aeryn around their suite of rooms, Tony left the two alone and went back up to the Penthouse suite.

“Friday, how far along are you in translating that woman’s language?” He asked as he slipped on the pair of glasses that would let him hear the A.I. answer in his ear.

I barely have an alphabet, Boss, Came the frank reply.

“Probably helped when you could hear her talk in Saracin and John talk in English,” Tony surmised.

The language is Sebacean. And you’re right.

Tony chewed on the inside of his cheek. “Keep listening,” he said.

You got it. Would you like me to report if they say-

“No!” Tony said “No recordings, no transcriptions, anything they say in private should stay private. Unless…”

Unless what, Boss?

“Use your best judgement,” Tony said as he stepped back into the penthouse suite. Steve was still there. “Don’t you have another after school special to film?”

“Tony, that man just tried to shoot me,” Steve said.

“Well, you entered the room in a threatening manner,” Tony countered.

“That’s because he seemed very close to shooting you,” Steve’s voice hardened.

“What? As opposed to Bucky Barnes who actually did shoot you?” Tony said angrily.

“I’m just saying-“ Steve began.

“What? What are you just saying?” Tony asked as he walked by Steve and out onto the landing pad.

“He pointed a gun at you and he pointed a gun at me. Pepper says the John Crichton she knew would never do something like that,” Steve said, following Tony.

“Pepper’s jealous of Aeryn. Possibly. Don’t tell her I said that,” Tony said. He opened the canopy of the Farscape module and climbed the outer step so he could look inside. “What the hell is all this?”

Chapter Text

“Do you think that Friday woman is listening to us?” Aeryn asked as she began to undress.

“I don’t know. Friday, are you listening to us?” John asked the ceiling while pulling off his shirt.

John and Aeryn waited a few microts. 

“Yes,” Friday said.

“Could you maybe not?” John asked.

“The Boss wants me to learn the Sebacean language,” Friday said.

“I’m just saying, the wife and me, we can get pretty loud when we’re not arguing,” John said. He winked at Aeryn and got under the bed covers. Aeryn climbed in beside him.

“I don’t mind,” Friday said. “And don’t worry. The Boss also told me not to record anything.”

John placed his hand gently on Aeryns stomach, “How’s the bean?” he asked.

“The bean is fine,” Aeryn said, placing her hand on his. “How are you?”

John groaned. ”Too tired for sex,” he said.

“That’s unfortunate,” Aeryn said. She began carding her other hand through John’s hair.

“You gonna tell me anymore about the rest of this plan or do you want to wait until Friday figures it out for us?” John asked.

“It’s simple really,” Aeryn said. “Convince Tony that it’s best to let us leave. Then we go back through the wormhole.”

“And how do we convince Tony to let us leave, especially since he now knows I’m crazy?” John asked.

“I’ll be the reliable narrator. I’ll explain why it’s dangerous for everyone if we stay. Also, I think it would be best if I only speak in Sebacean when I’m with you and when Friday isn’t on duty,” Aeryn explained.

“I’m pretty sure Friday is always on duty,” John said. “Hey Friday, are you a real girl?”

“No, I’m an artificially intelligent system that Mr. Stark created,” Friday said cheerfully.

“I wonder if there’s a way to take her offline,” Aeryn asked.

“Aeryn, be nice to the A.I.” John chided. He pulled her in close and breathed in her hair. “Sorry for screwing up your life again.”

“Well,” Aeryn said as she snuggled in closer to John, “As long as you’re acknowledging that this is entirely your fault, I forgive you.”

Chapter Text

“He’s replaced the electrical wiring with…something,” Tony said as he examined tubing in the module’s engine. “It’s,” he leaned in to smell it and then wrinkled his nose. “I think it’s organic.”

Steve took a wary step back from where he was standing next to Tony, “The ship is alive?!”

“No, not this ship,” Tony said. “But I bet you dollars to donuts that the ship these spare parts came from is. Which is amazing!”

“It’s something, alright,” Steve said and stepped closer again to get a look at the engine. “Listen, you weren’t wrong drawing the comparison with me and Bucky.”

“What an interesting method you’ve found to avoid saying I’m right,” Tony said.

“When Bucky died-when I thought he died- I blamed myself,” Steve said, “And when I found out he didn’t die, I blamed myself for that too.”

“I don’t blame myself for John’s disappearance!” Tony banged the module with his hand. “I’m an engineer not a meteorologist. I’m not the one who screwed up and didn’t check the solar flare calender!”

I think they’re onto us, Boss. John just asked if I was listening.

“Son of a-!” Tony muttered, looking towards the sky. “Honesty is the best policy, Friday.’ Tony turned to look at Steve and said, “He thinks I’m spying on him.”

“Aren’t you?” Steve asked.

She’s speaking in English now. The jig is up. Sorry I let you down, Boss.

“Not your fault, Friday,” Tony said. He turned to Steve and said, “There is a reason I brought Bucky up and it wasn’t to hit a nerve. Well, it wasn’t just to hit a nerve. The point is I cut you slack for having a friend who is a war criminal so I am asking you to return the favor and cut me some slack for having a friend who was driven insane by being stuck on the other side of the universe for 15 years. And let’s not argue about which is worse.”

Steve breathed heavily through his nose, then said, “Fair enough. You don’t think he’ll be upset that you’re taking his ship apart?”

“My name is on the lease. Besides, I’ll put it back together when I’m finished,” Tony said.

Chapter Text

Aeryn was still asleep when John woke up in the morning.

Harvey is lying in bed next to them. He is reading an issue of Wonder Woman and he points at one of the panels.

“John if we meet her will you help me tie her up?” Harvey asks.

“Get back in the dumpster!” John grumbled and waved his hand in a shooing motion.

“Quiet,” Aeryn whispered. “Friday is listening.”

“So let’s give her something else to listen to,” John said.

“Actually,” Friday said from above, “Mr. Stark has asked you to join him for breakfast.”

“Tell Stony we’re recreating,” Aeryn said.

Chapter Text

“Recreating?” Tony asked, “Last I checked the guest rooms don’t have shuffleboard.”

I think she was speaking in slang, Boss.

Tony’s eyebrows climbed his forehead. “Cover your ears, Friday!” Tony ordered.

But they asked me to -

“Who’s your Boss?” Tony asked.

You are, Boss.

“Then do what the Boss says,” Tony said. He took off his glasses and shook his head. “Recreating,” he muttered. He looked at the two other Avengers sitting at the dining table. “For the record, I didn’t want either of you here and I regret not removing your security clearance after you moved Upstate.”

“Welp,” Clint said, “You shouldn’t have told Steve your friend married an alien.”

“Aeryn is sebacean and she doesn’t like the a-word,” Tony said. “Apparently it’s offensive.”

“Thor never seemed offended,” Natasha said.

“Right?! And you should have heard the way she talked about us humans!” Tony said.

“So where are they now?” Clint asked before taking a sip of coffee.

“They’re on Bruce’s level doing whatever you think recreating is slang for,” Tony said.

Clint both choked on and spit out his coffee. Natasha slapped him on the back a few times while she glared at Tony.

“What?” Tony asked. “I’ll wash the sheets.”

Natasha raised an eyebrow and asked, “You don’t think it’s strange that you’re housing your old disappeared into space friend in the rooms of your newly disappeared into space friend?” 

“If anyone would understand, Bruce would!” Tony said emphatically. “He’d probably give up the rooms himself and sleep in his lab.” He picked up a bagel and started slathering an unhealthy amount of cream cheese on it. “So, what else did Steve tell you about John?”

"That he claimed to be from an alternate reality, he tried to shoot you, and then he plead insanity,” Natasha said.

Clint cleared his throat loudly and said, “Look, I’m no astrophysicist but I’ve watched The Universe a couple of times on the History Channel. Alternate realities are a thing.”

Tony sighed heavily and took a big bite of his bagel. He chewed angrily and finally said, “Yes, alternate realities are a thing. Is it possible that the human and the sebacean ten floors down are actually from some alternate reality where the rest of us are make-believe? Sure. But is it not also possible that a guy who was stranded in a distant part of the universe, trillions of lightyears away from everyone he cared about, might resort to some kind of fantasy world to cope with that loss?”

Clint nodded, “Yeah that makes sense, too.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous,” Natasha said. She scooped some scrambled eggs onto her plate. “Which is why we’re here to help you interrogate them. Could you pass the salt?”

Chapter Text

“Hey Friday?” John asked as he and Aeryn rode the elevator. “Did Tony name you after the Cary Grant movie?”

“He's never said so openly, but I'd have to assume so,” Friday answered.

The elevator doors opened and John and Aeryn walked into the Tower’s penthouse suite. John pointed at the ceiling and said to Tony, “I like her. She’s got a lot of charm.”

“Well I designed her so, yeah” Tony said. “Glad you decided to join us for brunch.”

Aeryn eyed Clint and Natasha coolly, “And you are?” she asked.

“I’m Clint,” Clint said and pointed to himself ,then pointed to Natasha, “and this is Natasha. We’re also Avengers.”

“Yeah, I bet you are,” John said as he sat at the table.  Aeryn sat beside him and began to load her plate with bacon.

“What’s with the guns?” Natasha asked. “Don’t you feel safe here?”

“I don’t feel safe anywhere,” John said and Aeryn nodded in agreement.

“Vy deystvitel'no paranoiki” Natasha said. 

“If you had lived our lives for the past ten cycles, you would be paranoid too,” Aeryn said before taking a bite of bacon.

Natasha’s eyes widened, “Where did you learn to speak Russian?”

“We didn’t,” John said. “The microbes learned Russian for us.”

“What microbes?” Tony asked.

“The ones in mine and Aeryn’s brains. I’d say they’re effective 90% of the time but some things do get lost in translation,” John said.

Tony squeezed his eyes shut, “Hang on, you let them put microbes in your brain.”

“I didn'tlet them, I didn't really have a choice. Some little droid stabs me in the leg and 5 minutes later I could understand the 3 different languages being spoken in the room. Which was incredibly useful at the time and more useful since then,” John said.

“Except when it comes to translating your home planet’s cultural references which, as I’m sure you know Stony, is John’s primary form of communication,” Aeryn said, nudging her husband in the shoulder. John stole a piece of bacon from her plate.

“For the Letterman-th time, it’s Tony with a T!” Tony said angrily.

Aeryn looked to John, “St- like Stark?” she asked.

“No, T- like Talyn,” John said.

“Oh! Tony! You see,” Aeryn explained, “When you speak to me, I hear it in Sebacean so the phonetics don’t always match up.”

“You weren’t just trying to mess with my head?” Tony asked.

“Hang on,” Clint said and raised his hand in the air, “I’m still stuck on microbes in your brain.”

“Would you believe me if I told you I brush my teeth with slugs?” John said.

“Why would I do that?” Aeryn asked.

“You’re jealous of my relationship with John,” Tony said.

“No because that’s disgusting,” Natasha said.

“Wow,” Aeryn said. “That is very much not the case. What do I have to be jealous of? Unless,” Aeryn looked to John and then back to Tony, “Unless you were planning to marry John.”

“But it’s true!" John said,  "I let the slug crawl around inside my mouth and it eats up all the plaque on my teeth plus whatever nasties are lurking in my gums, then I put it back in its little slug house. It’s a very symbiotic relationship. Except when we’re low on food.”

“I just don’t think I could ever put a slug in my mouth,” Clint said.

“Wow,” Tony said. “That is very much not the case.”

“Ok but consider this. It’s either put the slug in your mouth or a year down the line you visit a dentist who doesn’t know the first thing about human teeth,” John said.

Natasha nodded, “Point taken."

Chapter Text

“My feelings for John are purely platonic,” Tony said defensively.

“And guilt-ridden,” Aeryn said.

“I have nothing to feel guilty about!” Tony said.

Aeryn smiled sadly at Tony, “Whether you’re actually at fault is beside the point,” she said. “You funded the Farscape project and it’s only natural that you would feel some sense of responsibility for John’s safety. And now that he’s back you want to ensure that he stays safe. The problem is that John isn’t safe on Earth and Earth isn’t safe with John on it.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Tony asked.

“Tony,” John said, “It’s been a long 10 years.”

“15 years!” Tony said adamantly.

“Whatever!” John raised his voice. “In that time, I’ve made some very powerful and very dangerous enemies.”

“You should hear about the shit we put down on a monthly basis,” Clint said reassuringly, “Invaders from outer space. Robot armies led by a super robot who can launch countries into the sky.”

“Robot armies,” John said with a nod. “That’s impressive. An an invasion from outer space you say?”

“And New York is still standing,” Tony said with a grin.

“Do you think you could handle another invading army?”Aeryn asked Tony.

“She’s not talking about us, Friday!’ John said towards the ceiling.

Aeryn continued, “Do you think the Avengers could handle two more invading armies after that? And it wouldn’t stop there. There are plenty of galactic empires with nothing better to do than fight over blue specks like your planet. Now as far as everyone from our side of the universe knows, the way to Earth is shut. If they find out that’s no longer the case, they will come here and if they know that John is here they will come faster.”

“Whoever comes,” Tony said, “We’ll fight them.”

“And how many innocent people would die in the meantime?” John asked. “I can’t take that risk. I won’t.”

“Yeah well,” Tony said and he huffed in frustration. “The thing is-“

“The thing is you broke my spaceship.” John said, standing from the table. “And now you can’t put it back together again.”

Chapter Text

“Ok, first of all, I get that you’ve been flying it for over a decade but technically, it’s still mine. Secondly, what the hell did those parts come from?” Tony asked as he followed John out onto the landing pad.

“They’re from a friend of ours named Moya,” John said with a frown. “You know your module wasn’t designed for long term space travel or breaking a planet's gravitational pull on its own.” John knelt on the ground to inspect the pieces scattered around. “How did you remove these?”

“Repulsor rays,” Tony answered.

“You got any repulsor glue?” John asked.

“Negative,” Tony said. “So when you say your friend Moya-“

“She’s a Leviathan, a living ship who deigns to let lesser species board her for transportation. On occasion, if she's feeling really generous, she's an organ and tissue donor, too,” John said. “How about repulsor duct tape?”

“Nada,” Tony said and knelt down by John. “So, why don’t you come with me to the lab downstairs and I’ll show you all my fancy tools and you can find the one that’s perfect for welding these back on.”

John pushed himself to his feet and held down a hand to pull Tony up. “You got any ice cream?”

“I have an industrial freezer full of it,” Tony said and he started back inside. “Do you like chocolate hazelnut?”

“I like chocolate anything,” John said and walked with Tony. Both men started running when they heard pulse pistol fire.

Chapter Text

“Whoo!” Clint’s shout sounded decidedly not threatened as John and Tony skidded to a halt inside. He, Natasha, and Aeryn were standing to one side of the room. Natasha held Aeryn’s pulse pistol outstretched. “What’s the recoil like?” Clint asked Natasha.

Natasha marveled at the weapon in her hand, “What recoil?” she asked rhetorically. Natasha handed the pulse pistol back to Aeryn and asked seriously, “So, this oil comes from a flower?”

“A root, actually, called Tannot ,” Aeryn explained. She held the pistol out towards Clint, “Would you like to try?”

Clint waived off the weapon, “No thanks. It doesn’t suit my theme,” he said.

“Excuse me, why is there a hole in my bar?” Tony asked loudly, “My bar which I just finished remodeling.”

Natasha raised her hand, “That’s my fault,” she said, “I’m going to need you to reverse engineer Aeryn’s gun and synthesize this Shaka Kahn oil.”

Aeryn holstered the pulse pistol, “Some other time. Tony and John have more important things to do, don’t you?” She smiled at Tony but there was steel in her gaze again.

“Yes ma’am!” John said enthusiastically. “What are you gonna do?”

“What I do every time we land on a commerce planet,” Aeryn said, “Go shopping.”

“Are you sure that’s safe?” John asked. He turned to Tony, “There’s probably a gaggle of Alphabet agents casing this building, right?” he asked

“She’ll be safe with us,” Clint said. “We’re the Avengers. S.H.I.E.L.D. agents won't be able to get to us through the stans trying to take selfies.”

"You say that like we're celebrities," Natasha said.

Clint shrugged and said simply, "We are celebrities."

“What about the bean?” John asked Aeryn.

“The bean will be fine,” Aeryn said. “Fix the module. Get us back home.”

Chapter Text

The ride in the elevator was mostly silent while Tony pondered how to ask a question he was pretty sure he knew the answer to.

“So…” Tony said as he and John rode the elevator down, “What is the bean?”

“Aeryn is pregnant,” John said simply.

“Wow! Uh, congratulations,” Tony said.

“Thanks,” John said and nodded but he sounded much more pensive than excited.

“How far along is she?” Tony asked.

John sighed and said, ”30 months.”

Tony shook his head, gob smacked and said, “She’s been pregnant for 2 and a half years?! When the hell is she due?”

“At the latest,” John said with another heavy sigh, “4 and half cycles.”

“4 and half,” Tony said with a laugh, "You're telling me that human-sebacean hybrids take 7 years to gestate."

“It doesn't have to take seven years,” John said. “It is useful for family planning though.”

“You got any, uh, other little Crichtons running around?” Tony asked.

John nodded. “Yeah,” he said, “My son D’Argo. He’s back on Moya. Another reason Aeryn and I would like to get back as soon as possible.” The elevator stopped with a ding and John and Tony entered Tony’s lab. John’s eyes lit up as he took in all the tech. “Oh hell yeah! I’m sure we can find something here that’ll work. Ok, show me your most experimental adhesives.”

“Right this way,” Tony said and started leading John to the back corner, “You know, worse comes to worst, Dr. Cho actually has a machine that can synthesize organic material. If she scans one of those,” Tony waived his hand around while he searched for the right word, “organs, she could-“

“Synthesize a whole bunch of them and then Stark Industries would Starburst to the lead position in the deep space race. At a profit I’m sure,” John concluded.

“I don’t see what candy has to do with anything,” Tony said.

“It doesn’t. Leviathans, well most Leviathans, are weaponless. They have exactly one defensive maneuver and it’s running away: Starburst,” John explained, “I explained how translator microbes work right? Starburst sounds better than Exploding Star when describing faster than light travel.”

“…Ok, we're gonna come back to that later but first,” Tony said and he stopped by a table with several containers. He pointed to one side and said “Everything on this side has a patent and everything on that side doesn’t. This one, this one, and this one have shown best results for organics.”

“Right on,” John said and he swooped up all three containers.

“You're married, your wife’s pregnant, and you've already got another kid,” Tony said as he fiddled with another jar on the table, “Guess you have a whole life over on the other side of the universe.”

“That's what happens when you survive," John said with a half-grin. "Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’, right?”

Chapter Text

The car wasn’t parked far but Clint, Natasha, and Aeryn were spotted immediately.

“Hawkeye!” a voice shouted, “Over here!” Clint turned his head and threw a peace sign as a paparazzi snapped his photo several times. "Hey is that Tony Stark's new girlfriend?"

"You know I can't comment on that," Clint said.

“Have you forgotten everything I taught you about subtlety, Clint?” Natasha asked as she opened the driver door and got behind the wheel.

“I grew up in a circus,” Clint said as if that explained everything. He opened the passenger door and gestured for Aeryn to take the shotgun seat, then hopped in the back of the car.

A few minutes into the drive Aeryn said, “We’re being followed.”

“I noticed that,” Natasha said. She punched a few buttons on the steering wheel and the car speakers began to ring.

A deep voice rumbled, “Nice of you to check in, Agent Romanoff.”

“You know I’m not your agent anymore, Nick,” Natasha said. “Can you call off the hounds?”

“That depends. Can you guarantee the woman in the car with you won’t somehow turn out to be a bigger problem than she seems?” Nick asked.

Natasha scrutinized Aeryn out of the corner of her eye, “No. But this is an Avengers issue, so let us deal with it.”

“This isn’t an Avengers issue this is a S.H.I.E.L.D. issue,” Nick said.

“Yeah but let’s be honest,” Clint piped up from the back, “Most S.H.I.E.L.D. issues turn into Avengers issues anyway.”

“Which then turn into S.H.I.E.L.D. issues,” Nick countered.

“Which,” Clint said and paused, “…if you think about it in the long term, still also turn into Avengers issues.”

Silence reigned before Nick said, “I knew there was a reason I liked you Barton. I’m giving you 24 hours and then things will escalate.”

Clint leaned back in his seat and grinned, “Thank you, sir.” The speakers turned off.

Aeryn rolled her eyes, “Unbelievable,” she muttered.

“What?” Clint asked.

“Why did he believe you and not Natasha?” Aeryn asked.

“Because I made a better argument,” Clint said.

“No,you didn't," Aeryn said. "You used circular reasoning to say what she did but slightly different.”

“Thank you!” Natasha said and held her hand out and Aeryn slapped it enthusiastically.

“Look,” Clint said in his defense, “Don’t blame me for having a rapport with Nick. Hes' known me longer and I’m American.”

Natasha and Aeryn glared Clint to death in the rear-view mirror.

Chapter Text

“John” Harvey says while John works on a toy version of the Farscape module.

“Harvey,” John says and sighs. “I am busy. I am trying to get us the frell off this planet and back home and you are distracting me.”

Harvey holds his hand out and John passes him the toy. Harvey grabs a plastic screwdriver off the work table and screws in an imaginary bolt.

“I have an alternate proposal,” Harvey says.

“How many times do we have to go over this man? We’re not staying,” John says “It’s too dangerous.”

“Is it?” Harvey asks sincerely. "They are the Avengers, after all."

Chapter Text

“Ok, so back to Moya,” Tony said, leaning over from the far side of the module while he watched John work.

John held up a hand and said, “Hold that thought.” He opened the lapel of his long leather jacket and spoke into a device pinned to it, “Hey Aeryn.”

“Yes,” Aeryn’s voice came through loud and clear.

“Did I already tell you what movies and music I wanted?” John asked.

“Godfather parts one and two, Caddyshack, all of Kenneth Branagh’s Shakespeare adaptations and all of Tchaikovsky’s opuses” Aeryn said.

“Those are them. You gonna get anything?” John asked.

“Something for D'Argo and all of Vaytobin’s opuses,” Aeryn answered.

“You’ll probably want to spell out Vaytobin for them,” John said, “Don’t get kidnapped. So!” he turned back to Tony, “Moya.”

“Is it sentient?” Tony asked.

“First of all, Moya is a she and yes, she is sentient,” John said.

“”How do you know she’s a she?” Tony asked.

“Well, Pilot says she identifies as a female and also,” John said with a shrug, “she got pregnant.”

“You’re shitting me,” Tony said.

“I shit you not,” John said. He turned around to lean back on the module so he could take in the New York cityscape and sighed. “That ship was the very first he-Leviathan and his name was Talyn. He was also my friend. Sort of." John shook his head and said, "Anyway, as long as your repulsor rays didn’t do too much celluar damage to the Leviathan parts, they should grow back together overnight.”

Tony stepped around the module so he could grab John by the shoulders and demanded, “I’m starting to want to go back with you. These Uncharted Territories sound fantastic.”

“There’s only room for two in the module. Besides, you wouldn’t like it,” John said.

“What makes you say that?” Tony asked, “Aside from the torture, which, by the way I also know a thing or two about.”

John tilted his head slightly and said, “It’s not a contest.”

“I know, I’m just…” Tony searched for the word, “What’s that thing where you’re trying to convince someone that you’re human and you know what feelings are?”

“Empathy,” John said with a grin.

Tony snapped his fingers, “That’s the one. I’m trying to empathize with you here.”

“I know but it’s not just the scars from that kind of stuff that gets to you. It’s the little things. Correct me if I’m wrong but you’re used to being the smartest guy in the room right?” John asked. Tony nodded, “So was I and I’ve just spent the last debatable number of years being the dumbest guy in the room. Not just intellectually but…spiritually too. And let me tell you that is not fun.”

“So why are you in a rush to get back there? Hell, fine, go back to Moya and bring her, your pilot, and your son back to Earth. I have some serious connections now,” Tony said, "I'm sure we can negotiate a reasonable rent with whoever is leasing the moon right now."

John pushed himself off the module and began to walk agitatedly in a bit of circle, “I don’t belong here anymore, man! Earth is not my home. Get it? My home is out there,” John pointed at the blue sky, “That’s where I belong now.”

Chapter Text

“So he said ok,” John explained as he changed into a brand new pair of jeans.

“Ok?” Aeryn asked uncertainly.

“His exact words were ‘if you want to leave Earth and go back to the place where you get tortured and mindfucked and have to suffer the existential horror of making pop culture references that literally no one around you understands, then I won’t try to stop you.’”

“Existential horror,” Aeryn said, “Really?”

“I don’t think he understands that I use those references as a coping technique and not just for shits and giggles,” John said. “Anyway, he did make one quid for this quo. He wants me to see a neurologist.”

“Good,” Aeryn said as she changed into her own set of new clothes, “A human brain expert is exactly what you need.”

“I guess,” John muttered as he started to rummage through the shopping bags Aeryn had brought back to their rooms. He pulled out a box and asked, “What’s this?”

Aeryn glanced over and said, “It’s called a TSCH-Box and it’s the latest in virtual gaming. Clint bought it for D’Argo. He says it’s what every red-blooded American 6-year-old wants.”

 John dropped the box back in the bag with a sigh, “You didn’t tell him that D’Argo isn’t like every red-blooded American 6-year-old?” he asked rhetorically.

Aeryn rolled her eyes at him. “It was a nice gesture,” she said. “I think Clint is my favorite Avenger.”

Chapter Text

The doctor looked from her scans to John several times before John finally snapped, “Just tell me it’s not a tumor.”

“It’s not a tumor,” the doctor said. “It’s just,” she paused and looked at the scans again before continuing, “I’ve never seen this kind of brain trauma in someone who is still alive let alone conscious and ambulatory. The first thing that concerns me is this,” she showed the scan to John, Aeryn, and Tony, none of whom ccould interpret its meaning. The doctor pointed to a shadow and said, “You see this? That’s a void, an absence of brain matter. Mr. Crichton have you had any neurosurgical procedures while you were…away?”

"Two or three maybe,” John said softly, “It’s a, um, long and complicated story…I don’t like to talk about it.”

The doctor nodded compassionately and said, “If you’re up to it, I’d like to run one more scan. But it will have to be while you’re having a seizure, we could try to trigger it if necessary.”

“Out of the question,” Aeryn said emphatically.

“I know it sounds dangerous, but it will be under controlled conditions,” the doctor said

John met Aeryn’s eyes and said,” You’re the one who wanted me to see a human specialist.”

 “So we could figure out how stop them,” Aeryn shot back.

“Believe me, I only have John’s best interests in mind,” the doctor said. “Everything you’ve reported to me about his seizures indicate they’re caused by a Non-Epileptic Attack Disorder. You see, epileptic seizures occur due to unusual electric activity in the brain,” the doctor explained then spoke to John directly, “I’ve measured the electrical activity in your brain when it’s functioning normally. Now I need to measure that when it’s functioning less normally.”

“So what,” John said, “You gonna need me to watch 20 episodes of Pokemon in a row?”

The doctor smiled and said, “That will be the last resort.”

Chapter Text

“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this,” John muttered as he settled the contraption over his head.

“Eh, you’ve let me talk you into worse,” Tony said, adjusting the projectors around the room. “Besides, it’s this or Pokemon.”

The doctor frowned at both of them while adjusting a different sensor on John’s temple and said, “I don’t know that I’m entirely comfortable with this method, either. Usually the first thing we try is reducing the sleep cycle.”

“Unfortunately, we’re on a deadline,” Tony said. “Nick Fury only asks nicely once.”

“Don’t worry doc, I’ve been on this carnival ride before,” John said and winked at Aeryn, who choked down a laugh. “So, how exactly does this work?”

“It taps into your hippocampus and gets more complicated from there,” Tony said and he turned to face John. “Just think of something," Tony waved his hand in the air and continued,"I don’t want to say traumatic but-“ Before Tony finished his sentence the projectors around the white room flickered to life, establishing a holographic scene in a dimly lit hallway. The sound of military boots echoed through the speakers mounted In the room’s walls.

Aeryn looked down one end of the holographic hallway and then the other and said, “We're in Scorpius’s Gammak base.”

“Damn,” John said, “I was really hoping for the Royal Planet.”

“Who’s Scorpius?” Tony asked.

John pointed at a figure coming down the hallway, “That’s Scorpius.”

Tony’s jaw slowly dropped lower and lower as Scorpius came out of the shadows. “Looks like Nosferatu with a bondage and domination kink a mile wide,” Tony said.

"You're not wrong," John said.

Scorpius paused and slowly turned his head. Tony, John, and Aeryn followed his gaze to see a younger looking John walking by. Younger John and Scorpius briefly made eye contact.

“That man…” Scorpius said softly to what appeared to be his dominatrix, “Is an imposter.”

The holographic projectors flickered and the surroundings changed from a dimly lit hallway to a dimly lit room. In the center of the room was a dais with a wicked looking chair on it that younger John was locked into. His forehead was strapped to a black device. Scorpius stood on the dais as well as it spun in a slow circle. Scorpius leaned over younger John and asked, “What species are you and who are you working for?”

Younger John breathed heavily and said, “Get stuffed.”

Scorpius raised his hand and a technician in the corner of the room pushed some buttons on a control panel. Younger John jerked in the chair and squeezed his eyes shut in pain. He didn’t scream. When he opened his eyes Scorpius met them.

“You attempt to provoke me,” Scorpius said. “Perhaps you’re hoping I will lose my composure and kill you before I’ve extracted any information. I long ago learned the advantages of patience.” He gave another signal to the technician who pushed another sequence of buttons and pushed a lever down the control panel. This time younger John screamed. At Scorpius’s signal, the technician pulled the lever back.

Younger John opened tear-filled eyes and gasped, “What the hell was that?”

Scorpius looked at a monitor and then back to John and said, “A memory. Random and indistinct at the moment,"  Scorpius grinned and said. "It will take some time to map your neural patterns.”

The holographic images faded.

“Jesus,” Tony breathed.

“You know what’s weird,” John said, his hands shaking as he took the B.A.R.F. device off his head, “I’ve relived that more times than I can count in my dreams and in my waking life and it’s still just as terrifying as the first time it happened.”

“But it didn’t cause a seizure,” Aeryn said.

“Actually,” the doctor said and held up the tablet with readings of John’s brain activity, “It’s a bit more complicated than that.”

Chapter Text

“I felt like such a heel,” Tony said as he swirled the whisky in his glass. “B.A.R.F. was the first thing I thought of when he got back. Guy’s been on the longest manned mission to space and I wanted to see what he’d seen. I knew that words would not do it justice. And Christ! I,” Tony clenched his jaw before continuing. “I tried to, not one up him but…I thought I understood, at least a little of what he went through. Torture is torture, right?” Tony drained the rest of his glass then answered his own question, “Wrong.”

 Steve nodded thoughtfully. He eyed Tony carefully and said, “So this Aurora Chair-”

Tony waved his hand and said, “It’s not the same as the H.Y.D.R.A. chair you showed me the schematics for. Aside from the fact that both they’re theoretically good for sitting in. And this Scorpius guy?” Tony shivered as he poured another glass. “He would be right at home with the Cenobites.”

Steve frowned at Tony and said, “I’m not sure getting drunk is the best way to deal with this situation.”

“Fuck you!” Tony shouted.  He pointed to the elevator and continued, “Why don’t you go down there and see what he’s seen and then tell me getting drunk isn’t the best way to deal with it.”

“He’s still using the…” Steve rolled his eyes as he forced himself to say, “B.A.R.F.?”

Tony laughed bitterly, “The doc thinks it’ll help crack the code on what’s causing the seizures and the best way to treat them. John says it’s not nearly as painful as other memory recall devices that have been…forced on him so.” Tony shrugged and sighed heavily, then said, “I designed it to fill the nostalgia market. Washed up 50-year-olds who wanted to relive their glory days in high school,” Tony said. “Retraumatizing my friend was not part of the equation.”

Steve tilted his head thoughtfully. “Maybe he finds it therapeutic” he said. “Sam says video games have been used to treat PTSD for vets who fought in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

Tony stared into his glass, which was empty again, and “hmmmed,” in acknowledgment.

An interminably long silence was broken by the elevator dinging and the doors opening to reveal Aeryn Sun.

She coolly walked up to the bar and asked Tony, “Do you have any whiskey?”

Tony slid the decanter over and pulled a glass out from under the bar. Aeryn poured herself a shot and tossed it back. She then turned to face Steve.

“John wants to talk to you,” She said.

Steve looked to Tony and then back to Aeryn suspiciously. “Me?” he asked. “Why?”

“Well, he didn’t say specifically but I’m fairly certain he wants to apologize for shooting at you,” Aeryn said.

“Oh,” Steve said.

“Friday will show you the way,” Tony said as he poured himself and Aeryn two more shot of whiskey. Tony watched Aeryn watch Steve get into he elevator out of the corner of her eye. Once the doors closed she turned back to Tony and gave a tight smile. She raised her glass to him.

“Thank you,” Aeryn said, “If you don’t mind, while John is occupied, I’d like to discuss our strategy for dealing with Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D. if worse comes to worst.”

“You don’t think John should be included in the strategy session?” Tony asked.

“This is a secondary strategy in case the one John and I came up with doesn’t work,” Aeryn explained. "Our first plans never work and it's usually John's fault."

Chapter Text

The doctor was sitting in a chair outside of the B.A.R.F. room when Steve arrived. She looked up from the tablet she was reading and her eyes widened.

Steve pointed at the door and asked, “Is it safe to go inside?”

The doctor glanced at the closed door and said, “That depends on you really.” She shrugged and looked back to the readings on her tablet.

Steve steeled himself and opened the door, stepping into a dark exterior.  He vaguely registered John sitting up against a wall but his eyes were drown to the center of the room where a younger John was strapped in a rather torturous position on a spherical rack.

“Holy shit,” Steve breathed.

“Just wait,” John said as he stood up, “It gets better.” He walked over to stand by Steve and said, “Sorry for shooting at you.”

“It’s fine,” Steve said absently as he watched two alien figures materialize before the rack. Steve pointed at one and asked, “Is that Scorpius?”

“It sure is” John said. Both men watched as Scorpius attached a device to John’s head and then to his own.

Suddenly, the scene changed to a dock on a lake. Younger John’s clothing had changed and he was lying motionless on the dock. There were two Scorpiuses now and they were talking with each other.

“I don’t understand,” Steve said.

“Did Tony tell you about the Aurora chair?” John asked.

“Briefly,” Steve answered.

John nodded, “After he didn’t get what he wanted the old-fashioned route, Scorpy got creative. He put a chip in my head with a digital clone of his personality. It’s job was to dig around in my subconscious to find out what I knew about wormholes.” John pointed at the two Scorpiuses and said “Right now Harvey’s giving his first progress report.”

“Harvey?” Steve asked in confusion.

John shrugged and said, “He needed a name and it couldn’t be Clarence. Listen,” the holograms faded as John pulled the B.A.R.F. device off his head. “I didn’t ask you down here to apologize. I mean I did want to apologize but I also need you to understand something about me.”

“And what’s that?” Steve asked.

“The universe hates me,” John said.

Steve smirked and said, “Is that so?”

“I don’t know what I did exactly to deserve but I have a feeling it might have to do with the time I got revenge on this kid who stole my bike. Anyway, the Universe has been following me around for a really long time just fucking with me, you know? Every time I think things are going ok things go wrong,” John explained. He gave a dry laugh and continued, “And when I try to fix them they get worse.” John fell silent. His head twitched, then he said, “What the..."

“What?” Steve asked.

“Friday!” John shouted.

“You don’t need to shout Commander Crichton,” Friday’s soothing voice came through the speakers. “Is there something I can help you with.”

“Have you noticed anything unusual in the solar magnetic activity cycle?” John asked.

“Well, now that you mention it,” Friday said but before she could continue John interrupted her.

“Tell Tony to fire up the module! It’s wormhole season!” John said with a grin.

Chapter Text

 “Isn’t drinking alcohol bad for the uh,” Tony said and gestured in the direction of Aeryn’s stomach.

“The baby?” Aeryn asked. Tony nodded and Aeryn shook her head, “No, it’s not even in the gestation stage, yet. It’s just a conglomerate of cells waiting for its frelling parents to get over-” Aeryn abruptly quieted and sighed softly.

Tony sensed it was time to move to another topic. “That story you told the first night you were here. The one about the Scarren who made John think he was back on earth. That’s not what fucked his head up, is it?” he asked.

“No,” Aeryn said. “It certainly didn’t help but John had become imbalanced long before then.”

“It was Scorpius,” Tony concluded.

“That’s what John thinks,” Aeryn said.

Tony raised an eyebrow and asked, “You disagree?”

“If you ask me,” Aeryn said while pouring another glass of whiskey for herself, “John started cracking up the moment he went through that first wormhole 10 cycles ago. But, yes, Scorpius played a decisive role in John's path towards insanity. Friday?”

“Yes Aeryn,” Friday answered cheerfully.

“Would you play the recording from John’s 4^th B.A.R.F. session?” Aeryn asked.

“Coming right up,” Friday said.

“You recorded it?” Tony asked a little to shrilly. “Isn’t that a little invasive?”

“John thought it would be easier to show you than to have to tell you the rest,” Aeryn explained.

"If he's so imbalanced, why do you stay married to him?" Tony asked.

Aeryn smiled at him as if he were an idiot and said, "Because I love him. And I know how to handle him."

A small projection lit up the bar top before them. John was in a hospital room, handcuffed to a dentist’s chair, looking overheated and more than a little dazed. A police officer carried a welsh terrier in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

“I like your style, hombre,” The police officer said, “but this is no laughing matter.” He began to pace back and forth. He waved the paper and continued, “Assault on a police officer, theft of police property, illegal possession of a firearm, five counts of attempted murder. That comes to,” he glanced at the paper, “Twenty-nine dollars and forty cents.” The officer held out the paper to John and finished with, “Cash, check, or credit card?”

Tony shook his head and muttered, “What. The. Fuck?”

John reached out with his cuffed hand and the police officer handed him the paper, then left the room muttering to the dog, “Toto.”

John slowly reviewed the receipt for his crimes and said softly, “This thing is going completely off the rails…Or maybe I have.”

Scorpius popped up next to John and leaned in uncomfortably close. “Not yet you haven’t,” Scorpius said. “But there’s a danger you will.”

“Jesus!” Tony shouted in surprise.

John laughed softly and hysterically before saying, “You’re here.” He jerked his cuffed hand and asked, “Bring the key?”

“It’s not me that’s doing this, John,” Scorpius said. He walked over to an X-ray display and pointed out a distinctly non-human skeleton, “It’s a Scarren.”

“I don’t know any Scarrens,” John said. “What would a Scarren want with me?”

“Well now that the Scarrens know I’m after you, they want to know why,” Scorpius explained. He nodded to encompass the entire hallucination. “This is a deliberate attempt to drive you into insanity and it’s working. Your mind is a bout to crack and I cannot allow that. I was here first,” Scorpius smiled before further explaining, “When I couldn’t extract the wormhole information with the Aurora Chair, I had to implement a different strategy.”

John sat up in the chair to get even closer to Scorpius. “You put something in my head,” he concluded.

 “A very sophisticated neurochip. It contains,” Scorpius paused and tilted his head in thought. He leaned in predatorially. “Well, it contains me. Or a mental clone of my personality.”

John nodded and said, “That explains the visions I’ve been having.”

“Precisely,” Scorpius said. “I was supposed to remain hidden but now and then your subconscious became aware of me.”

“That’s why I couldn’t kill you on the Royal Planet?” John asked.

“Of course,” Scorpius answered. “A simple failsafe. But my main function is to access the wormhole knowledge in your brain.” Scorpius’s expression turned grim. “No matter how long that takes.”

John laughed softly again and said, “You’re Harvey! Or is it Clarence? Hmm, guardian angel? Invisible rabbit?” John nodded to himself and declared definitively, “Harvey.”

Scorpius gave no reaction to the nickname. Instead he said, “Ignore the false Scorpius he has created. And do not confide in anyone else you may encounter.”

“How do I know you’re telling the truth?” John asked.

Scorpius wiped John’s brown with a gloved finger, “You’re sweating, John.”

“That’s enough Friday,” Aeryn said and the projection vanished.

Tony closed his eyes and shook his head again. “Please tell me you and John killed that motherfucker,” he said.

Aeryn’s lips thinned and she said tightly, “No we have not.”

Tony raised his voice more than was necessary when he asked, “Why the fuck not?”

“Because John doesn’t like killing people,” Aeryn said.

“I think if anyone deserves it, Space Voldemort does,” Tony said emphatically.

“I don’t disagree,” Aeryn said. “But it was John’s decision to make.”

“Boss,” Friday interrupted from above, “Nick Fury is in the lobby.”

“Ugh,” Tony rolled his eyes and groaned. “Groan! Does he have any agents with him, Friday?”

“No, but there are two other people with him,” Friday said.

“Don’t keep us in suspense,” Tony said. "Who is it?"

“John Crichton's mother and father,” Friday said.

Tony’s eyes widened and he breathed out, “Shit.”

Chapter Text

“Can I ask you a question?” John asked as he and Steve rode the elevator back up to the penthouse.

“Of course,” Steve said.

John bit his lip before continuing, “Do you ever wish you’d just died instead of getting frozen in the Arctic?” 

“Well,” Steve said slowly. “No.”

John nodded and said, “That’s what I thought.”

Steve frowned in concern and said, “Do you ever wish you'd died?”

John tilted his head this way and that and finally said, “I mean, I’m not saying I want to kill myself. I just-“

“Don’t do it John!” Harvey shouts through a megaphone directly into John’s ear.

John grabs the megaphone and throws it over his shoulder. He shoves Harvey and screams back, “Dammit Harvey, how many times do I have to tell you that megaphones are not for intimate settings!”

“Pardon?” Steve said.

“What?” John asked.

“You um,” Steve began to blush lightly before he continued, “You mumbled something about intimate settings.”

John snorted, “Sorry,” he said, “Just thinking out loud.”

Steve couldn’t let John’s earlier words lie. “Are you really thinking about killing yourself? ” he asked.

The elevator stopped.

“Friday don’t we have another 30 floors to go?” John asked before speaking to Steve, “No, I said I’m not saying I want to kill myself-“ John cut offhis words when the elevator doors opened abruptly.

“Nick!” Steve said in surprise.

Nick Fury was flanked by an elderly man and a woman.

“Cap,” Nick said.

“John!” The man by Nick said.

John didn’t answer. When Steve looked over to John he saw the other man's nostrils flaring and his right hand twitching towards Winona. Nick saw this too and put a hand on his own gun.

“John,” The woman said softly and reached out.

John took a step back and shouted, “Don’t touch me!”

“Son,” the man said.

"You are not my father! John shouted. He began slapping the elevator's touchscreen menu repeatedly, muttering, “ Shut the door, shut the door, shut the door. Friday, shut the door!” He sighed in relief when the elevator doors slid closed. He winked at Steve and said, “That was a close one. Take us to the top, Friday.”

The elevator started moving again and Steve’s concerned frowned deepened, “Commander Crichton-“ he started sternly.

“Please,” John said, “I haven’t been a commander in a very long time. You can call me John or you can call me Crichton.”

“Alright Crichton,” Steve said, crossing his arms and turning to face John head on, “You haven’t seen your parents in 15 years. If I had the chance to see mine again-“

John waved his hand to shut Steve up, “You ever been cloned?”

Steve gaped a bit at the interrupting non-sequitur. “Not that I know of?” He said uncertainly.

“Well I have,“ John said. “I mean, I think, I think I’m the clone but techincally the mad scientist who did the deed claimed the other John and I were ‘equal and original.’ Whatever that means. Anyway, the other guy and I kind of…fought over Aeryn.”

Steve chuckled at the thought. “At least she chose you over the other guy,” he said.

John shook his head and said, “She did choose the other guy though. And they fell in love and were probably gonna live happily ever after until he died. And by the time I saw Aeryn again I  was the other guy. And I had changed and so had she. She doesn’t really like to talk about her time with him and I don’t ask because there’s stuff I don’t want to talk about, believe it or not,“ He inhaled deeply and continued, “It was hard getting to know each other again and I still think that she would have been happier with the other guy. Please believe me when I tell you that my parents are better off not knowing the kind of person I’ve become.”

Chapter Text

“Babe,” John said, rushing out of the elevator and into the penthouse, “We gotta blow this Popsicle stand!”

Aeryn pushed away from the bar and said, “It’s about frelling time. Nick Fury is here.”

John made a beeline for the door out to the landing pad and Aeryn followed close behind. “Yep, saw him,” he said.

“So is Jack?” Aeryn said. John bit his lip and nodded. “And?” she continued.

John shook his head. “We’ve been through this before, Aeryn. It won’t work,” he said. Once they reached the module, John popped the canopy open. He checked behind the passenger seat and saw that Aeryn had already packed the bags from her shopping trip.

“John, wait!” Tony called out as he chased them out.

“I hate long goodbyes, Tony.  Could you do me a favor?” John shouted over his shoulder as he climbed into the pilot’s seat. He started up the module’s ignition sequence as Aeryn settled in behind him.

Tony slowed down as he got nearer to the module. “What?” he asked.

“Stall them as long as you can,” John said and nodded inside where Nick, Jack, and Leslie were exiting the elevator. “Watch out. This engine burns hot.”

The module’s engine flared to life but rather than heed John’s warning, Tony took a step forward. Steve’s hand came down on his shoulder. Tony glared at Steve and shook off Steve’s hand while backing away. The module lifted slowly off the landing pad and began its ascent into the upper atmosphere. Tony patted around his shirt until he found his glasses and he put them on. “Friday, patch me into his comms,” Tony said.

You got it, boss.

Tony flinched at the sound of unintelligible language. Then John spoke, “Pilot what the hell are you doing here?!”

More of what Tony could only assume was another alien language followed.

Then Aeryn said something in Sebacean.

“Where is Neri?” John demanded.

Yet another alien language spoke for an extended period of time.

“John,” Aeryn said and then spoke further in Sebacean. A cloud passed overheard and blocked out the sun.

Boss Friday said excitedly. You’re not going to believe this.

Tony took off his sunglasses and guessed, “A giant alien spaceship just showed up in Earth orbit?”

“That’s big,” Steve said. “That’s really big.”

“Dammit Tony!” Jack Crichton fumed as he came to stand beside the other two men.

“Could you put your disapproval on hold, Jack,” Tony said absently as he stared up what could only be the leviathan, Moya. Tony pointed a finger at the ship, “We’re about to get our minds blown.”

Chapter Text

“Hill,” Nick Fury barked into his phone, “Get all squadrons in the air.”

“Moya is unarmed, Nick. No need to shoot her down,” Tony said.

“Who’s Moya?” Nick asked.

Steve pointed a hand at the ship in Earth's orbit, “That’s Moya.” His voice had a wondrous childlike quality when he said her name. “Can she talk?” he asked Tony absently.

Tony shrugged and said, “Apparently. The Pilot is her interpreter.”

“How do you know the ship doesn’t have any weapons?” Nick asked, suspicious as always.

“Because John said so,” Tony said.

“Is that a joke?’ Nick asked.

Tony rolled his eyes and asked back, “Does this look like my joking face?”

“Why the hell didn’t you call us the minute you knew it was John?” Jack demanded.

“Honestly,” Tony said with a put upon huff, “It slipped my mind.”

“Well, that doesn’t surprise me,” Leslie said.

“Listen, there’s something all of you should know,” Steve said. Once he had everyone’s attention he continued, “That’s not the real John Crichton.”

“Come again?” Nick asked.

“Oh great, you’ve been watching The Universe, too?” Tony asked Steve. “Just because he says he’s from an alternate reality-“

Steve shook his head and said, “That’s not what I mean.”

“Well, then what do you mean?” Jack asked.

Steve face contorted a bit as he thought how best to phrase his words, “He’s a clone!” was what he blurted out.

“Seriously?” Tony asked.

“He told me just before he left,” Steve said. He looked at Leslie and Jack, “He thought it would be easier on you both knowing that your real son was dead.”

Jack closed his eyes and shook his head, “This doesn’t make any sense.”

“No it makes total sense. You just have to think of it like an intergalactic soap opera,” Tony said. “A space opera, if you will.”

Bosss

“Friday so help me if you tell me that the Starship Enterprise is-“ Tony began.

John wants to talk to you 

Tony blinked then spoke to the others, “John wants to have a private conversation with me.” He waved his fingers at them, “Talk amongst yourselves.”  Tony turned so he could face the skyline as he talked to John. “I thought you hated long goodbyes.”

“Aeryn told me about your plan,” John said.

“And you agreed?” Tony asked softly with a hopeful grin.

“It usually works out best when I do,” John said.

“Excellent,” Tony said. “See you soon!”

Chapter Text

“They’ve got me in their tractor beam!” Clint said once he realized he was no longer actually steering the Quinjet.

“That's probably for the best, don’t you think?” Natasha asked while she examined her pistols. "You've never landed on an alien spaceship before."

“You have a point,” Clint said. He hopped up from the pilot’s seat and over towards his storage locker to select the proper bow for first contact. “Ok, so run this plan by me again but this time explain it like I’m an idiot.”

“I can’t break down it any further without drawing pictures for you, Clint,” Tony said. All three Avengers jumped when the Quinjet finally landed in the docking bay. “Besides, if I’ve learned anything from John and Aeryn over the last few days it’s that we should just assume the plan is going to fail and improvise anyway.”

Clint settled his bow on his back and shrugged. “Fair enough,” he said.

Tony wiggled his eyebrows at Natasha and Clint and said, “One small step et cetera,” and he hit the button to open the Quinjet’s hatch.

A grey-skinned man with black hair and inhumanly thick black eyebrows was waiting for them. He smiled and waved. “Hello.” he enunciated cheerfully. “I am Nerri. Follow me.”

Tony walked down the Quinjet’s ramp and stuck his hand out. Nerri looked at Tony’s hand quizzically and tilted his head. Tony put his hand in his pocket and said, “I’m Tony. That’s Clint and Natasha.”

Nerri nodded vigorously and said, “I am Nerri. Hello. Follow me.” He then turned on his heel and started walking quickly.

Clint and Natasha were somehow able to keep up with Nerri’s brisk pace but Tony found himself having to do a sort of jog so he employed his usual tactic to get other people to slow down and asked, “So are you giving the brief tour or the guided tour?”

Nerri turned his head but didn’t slow down. “I am Nerri,” he said.

“Yeah I got that,” Tony said. “I’m Tony. I’m an old friend of John’s.” Nerri laughed at that. Tony frowned and asked, “What’s so funny?”

Nerri shook his head, still chuckling. “Hello. Follow me,” he said.

“I think that’s all the English he knows,” Clint said. Nerri pointed at Clint with a grin and said something in his own language.

“Right,” Tony said. “Who has time to learn another language when you’ve got translator microbes on the brain. Is that a Roomba?” he asked, pointing at a little yellow machine scurrying towards them.

“It’s a Diagnostic Repair Drone. A DRD,” Aeryn said as she joined them from another corridor. “That one likes to helpfully inject translator microbes into visitors so watch your step if you're anti-communication.”

Aeryn and Nerri began their own conversation.

“What’s that sound?” Natasha asked.

“I don’t hear anything,” Clint said.

“I do!” Tony said and snapped his fingers. “That’s Moya’s heartbeat, right?”

Nerri laughed again, pointed at Tony, and said something about Moya to Aeryn. Aeryn grinned and said something back to him.

“You know I’ve just about had it with being on the outside of inside jokes,” Tony said.

“It’s not a joke,’ Aeryn said. “Nerri was just saying how impressive it was that you already knew what Moya’s power conduits sound like.”

Clint frowned. “But Tony didn’t say anything about power conduits,” he pointed out.

“Amazing,” Natasha said blithely, “Those translator microbes just saved your reputation.”

Tony shrugged and replied, “What can I say? When I’m wrong, I’m right. Where are we going by the way?”

“Pilot’s den,” Aeryn said.

“And how long until we get there?” Tony asked.

Aeryn looked at Nerri who said something to her, then she said, “That depends on whether you can keep up.” Aeryn and Nerri broke into a run.

Chapter Text

“Well, that didn’t go according to plan,” Nick said while he watched Moya shrink as she moved slightly further away from Earth.

“And what was your plan, exactly?” Leslie asked. “Because I have a sneaking suspicion it didn’t involve letting Jack and me take John home.”

“John wouldn’t have let you take him anywhere,” Steve said with certainty. “He’s been adamant about leaving since he landed.”

“I don’t buy it,” Jack said. “Why would he come back just to leave again?”

“Because he came here by accident,” Pepper said from the doorway back into the Penthouse. “You should come inside, Friday has something to show us.” Pepper walked back inside and the others followed. Pepper headed straight for the bar and pulled out a bottle of wine, “Leslie would you like a glass?" she offered.

“That would be lovely, Pepper,” Leslie said. She smiled at the other woman, “It’s really great to see you again even if it is under such strange circumstances.”

Pepper smiled and said, “It’s good to see you, too.” Pepper uncorked the bottle and poured herself and Leslie very full glasses of wine. Pepper looked at the 3 men in the room, “Help yourselves,” she said and gestured at the bar. “You might need it.”

“I won’t say no to free alcohol,” Steve said charitably and helped himself as instructed. “So what does Friday know that we don’t?”

“Quite a bit, Captain Rogers,” Friday answered from the surround sound speakers.  “John asked me to record all of his sessions with Mr. Stark’s Binarily Augmented Retro-framing prototype and arrange them according to their trigger words.”

Pepper tapped a few times on the Starkpad laying on the bar and said, “Play the sequence for Earth, Friday.”

John staggered into a garish room and collapses on the set of stairs leading up to a throne. He had a few fresh bruises on his face. On the throne sat Scorpius. He and John were wearing matching, clunky techno-bracelets.

“The weird guy on the throne is John’s nemesis, Scorpius,” Steve said helpfully.

“Nemesis?” Leslie repeated softly in bewilderment.

“Our time is running out,” Scorpius said in a rather blasé tone. “Commandant Grayza will be returning very soon.”

“Work it out Scorp,” John said in a voice full of exhaustion. “Get your shit together. Those goons were after me to get to you.”

Scorpius stood swiftly and made his way down the stairs. “Realize that the situation has now changed!” he growled. “Our fates are now well and truly linked. Grayza’s arrival drastically changes our timetable.”

“It is Einstein’s timetable!” John said in exasperation. “I’m doing my bit. Why are you bitching at me like we’re married Scorpy-Sue?”

Scorpius grinned and said with finality, “I suspect your stalling, either through ignorance or by design. I had hoped you’d see reason.”

John tilted his head and asked, “What do you think I see, huh? I’m here on a big stinking Command Carrier with Dick Tracy’s freaking neural bracelet linking me to Bram Stoker’s nightmare. What more do you want from me?”

Scorpius walked over to an image display table and hit a button. A half sphere hologram popped up. It was clearly Earth. Scorpius turned away from the display to look at John. “Cooperation,” he said simply. He began to approach John, who pulled out Winona and held it to Scorpius’s face. Scorpius didn’t flinch.

“You stole that from my memory,” John said.

“You will kill both of us if you pull that trigger,” Scorpius said.

John breathed deeply. “I reckon so,” he said with finality.

Scorpius took a step forward so that the pulse pistol rested against his forehead. Abruptly he pulled knife from somewhere in his leather getup and stabbed himself in the arm. John screamed in sympathetic pain and Scorpius took advantage of his agony to grab John by the throat. He turned and slammed John headfirst onto the display table so John had an up close look of the place he’d still been calling home. John split his lip on a corner of table.

Scorpius leaned down and whispered into John’s ear, “It took quite some effort to triangulate the stars around your planet. More to gain a visual confirmation.”

“Get the hell off of me you freak!” John said furiously, spitting out a mouthful of blood.

Scorpius obliged and pulled John’s head up so he could see the look in John’s eyes while he spoke. “Even without wormholes, at top speed we could reach it in sixty cycles.” Scorpius slammed John down again onto the display table and growled again into John’s ear, “You give me what I want or I swear I will keep you alive so you can witness your own planet’s destruction!”

The scene dissolved into a wedding reception.

If the cultural trappings were anything to go by, the wedding was clearly happening on Earth. John and Aeryn sat at the table of honor. The majority of the guests were human but there were some distinctly non-human creatures sitting about.

Jack Crichton stood and raised his glass.

“What is this?” Pepper asked. “This never happened.”

“It’s something like a lucid hallucination,” Friday said. “John began to experience them shortly after he was tortured by Scorpius for information about wormhole theory. Many of the halluicnations were manufactured by a chip that Scorpius implanted in John’s brain. However, this particular vision was enhanced by pharmacological means.”

“Everybody, I want to propose a toast to my son and my new daughter,” Jack said to all the wedding guests. “Y’all know their incredible story and the odds they had to beat. The good fortune that brought them home safe and sound. So please join me in wishing the new Mr. and Mrs. Crichton all the bes-“ Jack’s speech cut off as a bright red hole blossomed in his temple. He collapsed dead to the floor. More gunshots rained down on the wedding party as a military force stormed into the reception.

“No!” John screamed as his closest family and friends were murdered. He was still crouched over Aeryn’s lifeless body when Harvey approached from behind

Harvey knelt beside John and considered the devastation around them. “Well then, John,” Harvey said. “Tell me, what did you expect?”

The scene dissolved.

“He thinks he’s protecting us by leaving,” Jack concluded.

Pepper smiled wryly and said, “Maybe he is.”

“Until that Scorpius fellow gets here,” Nick said.

Leslie leaned towards Pepper and asked, “What’s the bride's name?”

“Aeryn Sun,” Pepper answered.

“What’s she like?” Leslie asked.

“I don’t really know,” Pepper said. “I had a lot of fires to put out and didn’t spend much time with them and to be honest it was… strange being around him.” She shrugged helplessly.

“So what does John know about wormholes?” Nick asked.

Pepper’s Starkpad flared to life again to display another B.A.R.F. recording.

John looked like a mess. He had a several months' old beard and an equally untrimmed hairstyle. He wore a sorry excuse for shirt and was clearly drunk. An alien stood across from him and said, "Speak sentences. Nouns. Verbs."

John blinked at the alien. “Ok,” he began. “Once upon a time I was happy here. A little on the lonely side but that’s ok because at least Winona only had to start cooking fires, you know fires whoosh woosh, fire. The module’s out of fuel so it’s not going anywhere. So I’m working like a mofo and everything is finally coming together on these crates here until you smashed through, pissing me off just a little bit. So now instead of rehearsing my speech for the Nobel Prize in Integrated Wormhole Theory, I got Eliza Doolittle learning a language nobody speaks because I’m a billion light years away from home on a magic carpet ride courtesy of Grandma Moses Pilot with Ronald Reagan’s memory who flies a ship where the toilets only flush on Tuesday!”

The scene dissolved, and Friday asked, “Does that answer your question?”

Chapter Text

As Tony, Aeryn, Natasha, Clint, and Nerri walked deeper into Pilot's den, the sound of a heated conversation grew louder.

“Come on, Pilot,” John’s voice said from a distance, “Tony Stark is the smartest guy I know.”

An alien voice rumbled loudly.

“Well, technically no,” John said. “But that doesn’t mean-“

The alien voice cut John off and began speaking at length.

“Well, how does Moya feel about it?” John asked once the other voice stopped talking. A long silence followed. “She agrees with me, doesn’t she? This is the quickest way home, trust me.”

The alien’s response was clipped.

John cheered and said “This plan is gonna work. I have a very good feeling about it. Hey, Tony!”  John waved as he saw Tony and the others come through the doorway.

“Hey Jo-wow!” Tony gasped in shock and looked up and up at the creature sitting at an elevated console. Its tentacles manipulated various panels at the console. The creature tilted its shell-shaped head and swiveled both of its big eyes toward Tony with what Tony thought might have been suspicion. “Hey John,” Tony said.

“Tony, good to see you! This is Pilot,” John said helpfully. “He’s gonna need all the information you have on this sun’s solar flare activity for the last 15 years.”

Pilot spoke at length and then paused and looked expectantly at Tony.

“Uh…” Tony said. “Could you repeat that?”

“He said he’d rather speak directly with Friday,” Clint said.

“Clint,” Natasha said. “When did you get injected with translator microbes?”

Clint pointed his thumb over his shoulder towards the doorway they had just come through, “Back when Aeryn said that DRD would do it.”

Tony looked aghast at Clint, “Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?” he shouted.

Clint shrugged and answered, “John’s had them for years and he’s fine.”

Tony pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration and said, “John is not fine.”

“Be that as it may,” John said, “John is fairly certain that John’s problems don’t have anything to do with translator microbes. Tony,this will all go a lot quicker if you and Pilot can understand each other and who knows, you may need to talk with some other E.T.s in the not too distant future and then you’ll really regret not getting that injection.” Tony felt a poke in his leg and looked down to see the DRD waving a needle unsteadily. “Look,” John continued, “Aeryn and I need to go say hi to our kid so why don’t you sit here and think on whether Hawkeye is capable of being an interpreter for the kind of science that you and Pilot need to do. Come on, babe.” John slung his arm around Aeryn and they left Pilot’s den. Natasha watched them leave with a frown.

Pilot spoke to Clint for several minutes. Clint nodded and turned to Tony and said, “Something about magnets” with a questioning lift of his eyebrows.

“I should have seen this coming,” Tony said. “Alright little droid, inject away.” The DRD dutifully thrust the needle into Tony’s ankle. “Oh that feels weird.”

Pilot started speaking again and after a few seconds Tony began to parse the meaning of his words.

“Crichton told me you have an artificial intelligence that holds all of your astronomical data,” Pilot said.

“That’s correct, just a moment,” Tony pulled his phone out and set it up on Pilot’s console. “Friday, that’s your cue,” he said. A small holographic display of Earth’s sun appeared above the console.

“Tell Friday to play back all images, recordings, and measurements at 20 times the speed a human could process it,” Pilot said.

“Twenty!” Tony guffawed. He took a minute to process Pilot's processing capacity and said, "Friday, show Pilot everything you've got on solar flares at a frequency of 1 data point per every 650 microseconds." The holographic display began to change far too rapidly for Tony to keep track.

“You may leave,” Pilot said coolly.

 “Uh, I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to help you with the science,” Tony said.

“No,” Pilot said while it intently watched the rapidly changing holographic images, texts, and numbers, “You provide the data and I do the science.”

 “Can I watch you do the science?” Tony asked. Pilot made a noncommittal noise. “What if you need more information from Friday? Translator microbes won’t work on her,” Tony persisted.

“Fine, but you must be quiet,” Pilot said.

 “You’re up Nat,” Clint said. “You don’t want to be the only non-Asgardian Avenger who went to space and didn’t get translator microbes do you?”

Natasha rolled her eyes and said, “I just don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t be a member of the cool kids club.” She put her leg out towards the DRD and received her own injection.

Almost immediately, Nerri started speaking but Natasha only understood the last bit. “because you’re both fairly attractive and I think we could have some fantastic sex together,” he said.

 “Look, I appreciate the offer,” Clint said, “but I’m married.”

“So?” Nerri said with a tilt of his head. “Your mate doesn’t have to know.”

“She would find out. I’m horrible with secrets,” Clint explained.

Nerri swiveled his entire head to look at Natasha, “And what about you, Natasha?”

“Sorry,” Natasha said, “I only have fantastic sex with humans.”

Nerri shrugged in disappointment but cheered up a second later, “Hey! you want to play that Tsch-box you bought for D’Argo? There’s a frelling awesome dancing game!”

“Why not?” Natasha said, “I can’t imagine any other way this day could get more surreal.”

Chapter Text

“So let me get this straight,” Rhodey said while he, Sam, Vision, Steve, Wanda, and Pepper walked towards the main entrance to the Avengers Compound, “Tony, Clint, and Natasha are currently on an alien spaceship helping John Crichton’s clone find a cure for his seizures while simultaneously trying to generate a wormhole so that John, his pregnant wife, and his son can go back to the Uncharted Territory which is a billion light years away and apparently incredibly dangerous.”

Steve nodded deeply, “That’s about the size of it.”

“And we’re supposed to just wait here?” Sam asked.

“Actually,” Steve said with a sigh “We’re supposed to have a press conference.”

“Whose plan was this?” Wanda asked incredulously.

“The press conference was my idea,” Pepper said. “Right now, everyone thinks Tony’s new girlfriend is about to invade Earth. We need to reassure the public that they are perfectly safe. Here’s your statement,” she said to Steve and handed him a sheet of paper.

“When I decided to become an Avenger, I had no idea there would be so many press conferences,” Wanda said wryly.

In the lobby a makeshift stage had been set up with a long table atop it and 5 chairs behind the table. In front of the stage sat a gaggle of reporters. The Avengers took the stage and arranged themselves at the table with Steve in the middle. Pepper stood to the side of the stage.

Steve cleared his throat and said, “I’m going to start with a statement and then we’ll take some questions.” He began to read from the paper before him, “Three days ago Iron Man escorted an unidentified aircraft to Stark Tower. The aircraft was later identified as a module which had been part of an experimental program known as Project Farscape . The pilot flying the module was Commander John Crichton, who was believed to have been killed during the test flight that led to Project Farscape being shut down 15 years ago. As it turns out, Commander Crichton did not die but was transported through a wormhole to a distant part of the universe where he has spent that last 15 years. We believe that Commander Crichton did not intend to return to Earth but was transported back through another wormhole unintentionally. We believe that the larger spacecraft which appeared in Earth orbit yesterday followed Commander Crichton through another wormhole to rescue him.  The ship is unarmed, and we do not believe it is a threat. They’re just trying to find a way home. But as a precautionary measure Iron Man, Hawkeye, and Black Widow are on board the ship to keep an eye on Commander Crichton and the rest of the crew.” Steve looked up from the piece of paper.

“Ok,” Pepper said. “Everyone I call on gets one follow-up question. Tom.”

An elderly bearded man spoke, “Tom Whitefield with the New York Times. Captain Rogers, who was the woman seen leaving Stark Tower with Hawkeye and Black Widow?”

“Her name is Aeryn Sun,” Steve said.

“Is it true that she’s John Crichton’s wife?” Tom asked.

Steve nodded tightly, perturbed that the information had gotten out, “Yes, it is.”

“Denise,” Pepper said and pointed at a woman in the 3^rd row.

“Densie Jones with the Dallas Morning News. Colonel Rhodes, how do you feel about Commander Crichton’s return considering your rivalry with him over flying the Farscape module?” the woman asked.

“Well, my survivor’s guilt has shifted from being thankful I didn’t die in his place to being thankful I wasn’t stuck on the other side of the universe for the last 15 years. And for the record, John and I didn’t have a rivalry. We were friends,” Rhodey said.

Denise followed up with a second question, “Why do you think he wants to leave Earth?”

“I’m not a mind reader,” Rhodey said.

“Erica,” Pepper said.

A voice from the back called out, “Erica Hernandez with the San Jose Mercury News. This question is for Ms. Maximoff. Don’t you think you’d be more useful on that spaceship than Hawkeye?”

“I don’t see how,” Wanda said with a smile. “I don’t know the first thing about going to outer space.”

“What about you, Mr. Vision?” Erica asked.

“As I understand it,” Vision said, “Clint has already developed a rapport with John and Aeryn. I’m sure they would rather have friendly faces on their ship than strange ones. I am happy to sit on the bench for this mission, as it were.”

“David you’ve got the last get,” Pepper said and pointed to a man in the front row.

“David Franklin with the Washington Post. Captain Rogers has there been any friction between the Avengers and S.H.I.E.LD. regarding the handling of Commander Crichton’s return?” A man in a bowtie asked.

Steve ground his teeth. “No,” he said.

David continued, “Even though Iron Man defied Nick Fury’s order to escort the Farscape module to S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters?”

“Contrary to popular belief,” Steve said a little louder than necessary, “The Avengers do not follow orders from Nick Fury.”

“If Nick Fury ordered the recapture of John Crichton would the Avengers try to stop him?” David pressed on.

“Only one follow-up, David,” Pepper said. “Thank you for your time everyone.”

As the reporters filed out Sam grumbled, “Why does no one ever ask me any questions?”

Chapter Text

“Stop! Stop! I have to stop!” Clint gasped. He stumbled off the floor pad and collapsed. “This game is much harder on my knees than it used to be.”

Nerri and Natasha continued to jump around in time with the techno music. “I have a question,” Natasha said.

“I may have an answer,” Nerri said.

“Where’s D’Argo?” Natasha asked.

Nerri stopped dancing. “Yeah, I was wondering why John and Aeryn brought games back for him. Then when they said it was a gift from you guys I figured they must not have told you,” He said.

“Told us what?” Clint asked.

“That D’Argo can’t play games anymore,” Nerri explained.

“Why not?’ Clint asked.

“I don’t know really. I just take care of him sometimes,” Nerri said with a shrug of his shoulders. “He got sick before I started living on Moya.” Nerri turned back to the game and asked, “Is there even a storyline to this? I thought it was about a revolution."

“So where is D'Argo now?” Clint asked.

“In the medical ward,” Nerri said. He selected another level and looked at Natasha, “Ready to go another round?” he asked.

“Sure,” Natasha said. “Clint?”

Clint shook his head, “I’m gonna find the medical ward,” he said.

“It’s 3 tiers down on the hamman side,” Nerri said.

Clint headed out the door and barely avoided a collision with Tony. “I thought you were watching Pilot do science,” Clint said.

“I was until Pilot kicked me out. Apparently, I think too loudly,” Tony said. “He said John’s in the medical ward so that’s where I’m heading. What about you?”

“Same place,” Clint said.

“Feeling alright?” Tony asked.

“Yeah, I’m just trying to get to the bottom of a mystery,” Clint said.

“And what mystery is that?” Tony asked.

“Why Aeryn would let me buy a present for D’Argo that he’s too sick use,” Clint said.

“That is odd,” Tony said. “So how do we go down a tier? Is there a Turbolift somewhere?”

Clint pointed at a hole in the floor. “Probably down that ladder,” he said. Clint descended the ladder quickly.

Tony groaned as he started to climb down the ladder. "You know,” he said when he reached the bottom. “If I’d had any idea getting around this ship would be so physically demanding I would have brought more power bars.” He and Clint continued their walk down an identical corridor. “You remember which side is hamman?” Tony asked.

“Nope,” Clint said. He spotted a DRD rolling in their direction and asked, “Hey, which way to the medical ward?” The DRD mad an about face and started leading them down the corridor. The DRD paused at an open doorway, waved its eyestalks toward the doorway, and then went its own way.

John was sitting at a bedside and staring at the boy lying in it.

“I was wondering how long it’d take you to get here, Clint,” John said. He craned his neck and his eyes widened in slight surprise at Tony’s presence. “Huh, figured you’d still be in Pilot’s den.” John turned his gaze back to the boy in the bed. “This is my son, D’Argo. You don’t have to bother with saying hello, though, he can’t hear you.”

“Nerri said he was sick,” Clint said softly as he moved closer. D’Argo was a cute kid.

John nodded and said, “It’s a bit more complicated than that. You got kids?”

Clint hesitated before answering, “Yeah. Yeah I do.”

“I remember when my sister was pregnant her biggest concern about the baby was that it had ten fingers and ten toes, you know? When you’re having a hybrid child, the concerns about genetic deformities is a little more serious. But D’Argo was perfect,” John said this with a smile.

“So what happened?” Tony asked.

“He got a bug,” John said.

“Like a parasite?” Clint asked.

John chuckled, “No, like the space flu. He developed what you or I would call a mild fever. A little over 99 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s nothing a human child can’t handle. But D'Argo is a hybrid child. He developed a secondary illness called Heat Delerium which ultimately led to what you see here. Sebaceans morbidly refer to it as,” John paused and waved his hand over his son’s body, “the Living Death. We would call it a persistent vegetative state. The cultural practice among sebaceans is mercy killing. I know that’s what Aeryn wants but…he’s my son, you know? I can’t-” John breaks off with a sniffle and shakes his head at himself in frustration.  

“John,” Tony said a little helplessly. “I’m so sorry. Maybe I-”

“John,” Pilot’s voice rang through John’s comm device.

“Hey Pilot,” John said and got to his feet. “What’s up?”

“According to my calculations, another wormhole should generate in 7 arns.” Pilot said.

“That’s good to hear,” John said. “Can we tie it off?”

“I believe so,” Pilot said.

 “Excellent. Come on,” John said and gestured for Tony and Clint to follow him.

“Tie what off?” Tony asked, though he had a sneaking suspicion of the answer.

“The wormhole,” John said, confirming Tony’s suspicions. “We’re gonna seal it up so no more baddies get through.”

“Uh, no,” Tony said. “That’s not a decision you get to make.”

John turned around to walk backwards and said directly to Tony, “And yet I’m doing it anyway.” John began climbing up the same ladder that Clint and Tony had descended earlier.

Chapter Text

“Hey Vision,” Sam said as all the Earthbound Avengers ate dinner, “Is it weird that I want to watch John Crichton’s space diaries?”

Vision pondered Sam’s question then said, “Perhaps. I suppose it would depend on why you want to watch them.”

Avengers Assemble! Tony’s voice rang out in the dining room. He then materialized in holographic form. “Oh,” he said. “You’re already here.  Is that green curry duck? I thought we had an agreement that there would be no Thai food until we got back.”

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose and asked, “Do you have an update, Tony?”

“As a matter of fact, I do,” Tony said. He turned to look at Vision and asked, “Vision how long would it take you to fly up here?”

“Flying at top speed under my own power and with optimal weather conditions, the journey would take roughly 29 hours,” Vision said.

“Dammit!” Tony said in frustration. “That’s not enough time.”

“Not enough time for what?” Steve asked.

“To stop John and Pilot from closing the wormhole,” Tony said breathlessly and began to pace back and forth through the dinner table.

Wanda frowned. “I thought they wanted to create a wormhole.” she said.

“They don’t create the wormholes they just know how to predict them. John and Pilot have experience closing wormholes, apparently, and once they fly through the wormhole that will appear in 5 hours they’re going to seal it up.”

“Honestly,” Steve said, “I’m not sure that’s a bad idea. Everything that I’ve heard from John and the few things I’ve seen in those B.A.R.F. sessions- and you really do need to change that acronym-makes me think he’s doing us a favor.”

“Well, that’s because you’re a solider not a scientist. All you see are threats while I see endless possibilities. If Bruce were here, he’d agree with me,” Tony said assuredly. He sighed and eyed the green curry duck again, “The food up here is awful, by the way. I've thrown up after 2 out of the 3 meals we ate.” Tony huffed and said, “Ok, I’m opening it to the floor. As regards the proposal “stop John from completely cutting us off from his corner of the universe” how do you vote: yea or nay?”

“Nay,” Sam said.

“Nay,” Wanda echoed, “I think we have enough strange problems on this planet from the last time a wormhole was opened to Earth.”

“I agree,” Vision said.

Tony's jaw dropped. "Wow," he said. He turned to Rhodey and asked, "You're with me, right?”

Rhodey looked incredulously at Tony and said, “Nay. Seriously, how are you not having flashbacks to Loki’s attack on New York? This is an easy call, Tony, and you know it.”

“Yeah,” Tony muttered. “Well,“ Tony paused and his eyes widened in surprise.

John popped up in the hologram, “Hey!” he shouted. “Oh, great you’re all here. Listen, I just wanna say thanks for running interference the last few days. As an extra special thank you gift, I’m giving everyone permission to rifle through all my B.A.R.F. sessions so you can see exactly what it is I’m saving you from. You’re welcome.” John waved goodbye and walked out of the holographic display.

Tony sighed and shook his head. Finally, he said, “I’m starting to think he really is from an alternate reality. Ok, I have to go save Clint and Natasha from being seduced by a charming revolutionary named Nerri who is on the run from his oppressive government.” The hologram faded away.

“So that’s John Crichton, huh,” Sam said.

“He doesn’t seem insane,” Wanda said with a raised eyebrow.

Steve shrugged and said, “In small doses he’s not. Could you pass me the pad Thai, Vision?” Steve helped himself to a third serving. “And to be fair, I’m not a psychiatrist. But there’s only so many times you can watch a guy have a conversation with an imaginary enemy before considering that there might be something seriously wrong with him.”

Chapter Text

“So how is this gonna work exactly?” Sam asked after taking a seat next to Vision at the conference table.

“Friday curated the recordings according to certain trigger words. We pick a word and one or a succession of recordings will play,” Steve explained. He turned on the display console in the center of the table.

“Where should we start?” Wanda asked.

“Friday,” Steve said, “Show us what’s filed under ‘threats’.”

“Coming right up, Captain Rogers,” Friday said.

In the scene that materialized on the table a much younger John was in a cell, accompanied by a grey-skinned and white-haired alien girl. Both wore bulky collars and the girl was hanging from chains in the ceiling.

John was attempting to reach through the bars of the cell while he spoke to the girl, “Chiana, everyone’s been mind-cleansed. D’Argo is probably in the spin cycle right now which means it’s either you or me next.” John gave up on reaching whatever panel or lever he had been trying for and moved to the bars on another side of the cell. Again he tried to reach through the bars for the locking mechanism.

Chiana pulled at her chains and said desperately, “It can’t be me. Temporary cleansing doesn’t work on Nebaris. It’s only meant for aliens.”

John gave up on the lock and turned to face Chiana. “Perfect,” He said, “I’m next. Chiana when these people came on board they were looking for you. You’re the 'it' girl and you’ve got something they want. What is it?”

Chiana gave up on her struggle with the chains. “Zalas,” she said, “He kept asking me about the resistance, some kind of resistance.”

John nodded, “The guy who took D’Argo. He called you the sister. What did he mean by that?”

“I’ve only been sister to one person. That’s Nerri. He’s dead,” Chiana said. She began to pull wildly at the chains again, “We’ve got to get you out of here. Get me out of these chains!”

John grabbed onto Chiana to stop her from ripping her arms out of their sockets. He leaned in comfortingly and said, “Chiana, stop it. Stop! Look, everybody on board has secrets. We all have secrets. You got one, that’s fine. Keep it right up to the point where they come to fry my brain. Now, when Zalas found you, you’d been running. Why?”

“Nerri and I escaped Nebari Prime when we were young. We didn’t escape, really. The government gave us exit permits. We didn’t know why they made it so easy. We didn’t care. We just ran. It wasn’t until two cycles later when Nerri found out why. They had infected us with a contagion,” Chiana said with a chimerical grin.

“Your own people infected you with a disease?” John asked.

Chiana hung forlornly from the chains and said, “During a routine physical examination they so generously gave us. Nerri, me, and hundreds like us. Maybe thousands. People who like having a good time." 

“And they knew that you’d go out and transmit it,” John concluded. “How did you um?” John trailed off.

Chiana waited a beat before answering, “Through carnal contact. Nerri and I were young. We did an admirable job for them.”

John nodded at this. He took a step back from her and said, “Chiana, why didn’t you tell us about this before?”

“That my people were planning to frell over as much of the galaxy as they could?” Chiana asked angrily. “You barely let me stay aboard Moya as I was.”

John nodded again and said, “Chiana, they probably think you’re still in contact with Nerri which is why they-aaahh!” John screamed in pain and collapsed to the floor, clutching at the collar around his neck.

The scene dissolved.

Rhodey pointed at the absent display and said, “Now that’s messed up.”

Another scene assembled on the display. John was standing alone in a cell. He looked a few years older than the previous recording. A humanoid alien with a grid of markings on its face stood outside the cell and said, “Begin again.”

John breathed heavily through his nose and said, “Fine. For the 89^th time, Once upon a time there was a boy named John. John was an astronaut. He lived in a faraway place called Earth, which is so far away you’ve never heard of it. One day, when John was out doing astronaut things a big blue wormhole gobbled him up and spat him out far into the universe! Things were looking grim in Mudville until our hero met an amazing living ship, made some nice new friends, and he hooked up with his dream girl. We could have lived happily ever after, but the Peacekeepers raped, chased, and tortured us for years on end.”

The scene dissolved.

“Who are the Peacekeepers?” Wanda asked.

“They’re space Nazis, nasty pieces of work,” Steve said grimly.

“How many of these have you watched?” Rhodey asked.

“All of them,” Steve said. A third scene began to coalesce on the table.

 John was drowning, his head held under water by a creature from the Black Lagoon. The creature finally let John’s head above water and John sputtered and coughed.

“I told you to find him, not kill him!” A dark-skinned, tentacle-headed alien shouted in a deep voice. The creature from the Black Lagoon let John go and John made his way towards a set of stairs leading out of the natural pool.

The tentacle-headed alien started to pull John out of the water then dropped him in disgust and said, “Woah back in the water with you my friend! What is with the stench?”

John leaned up against the side of the pool and tried to recover from almost dying. “I don’t smell anything,” he said hoarsely.

A short, redheaded alien leaned over the ledge and said mysteriously, “Maybe that is the reason.”

“Who are they?” Sam asked.

“The one with the tentacles is John’s other best friend, D’Argo,” Steve said. He pointed at the other alien and said, “The red-head is Sikozu and she can’t be trusted.”

“Maybe that is the reason what?” John asked in confusion.

“It could not be,” Sikozu said.

D’Argo spoke to John, “You know her, she starts sentences and then she does not finish them. It’s very annoying!” he finished loudly to Sikozu.

“The reason what?” John repeated.

“You know,” D'argo said. “The reason you and Grazya uh-“ he nodded his head this way and that as if to say ‘yadda yadda yadda.’

John looked horrified. “You know about that?” he asked.

“John,” D’Argo said solemnly, “Everyone knows.”

John hung his head. “Oh no,” he muttered forlornly

“I must be wrong but,” Sikozu said to D’Argo, “Heppel oil?”

DArgo shook his head and said, “That’s a myth.”

“It would explain the smell,” Sikozu said.

“What are you guys talking about?” John asked in exasperation.

Sikozu turned to John to explain, “Delos concubines have a gland implanted that creates Heppel oil. It’s perfume targets the erogenous zones and it makes you…”

John ran his hands through his hair and said, “Yeah, I know what it does.”

“Grayza would never desire it,” Sikozu said assuredly.

“Why not?” John asked.

“The effects are irreversible,” SIkozu explained. “Once the gland has been implanted, the concubines die cycles before their time."

John started to shiver in the water. He gave a full body shake and groaned, “Ugh, she touched me!” and then he dunked himself under water. When he broke the surface he said, “I’m not going near that woman ever again.”

“John,” D’Argo said, “you’re gonna have to see her one more time.”

“Screw you,” John said with a hysterical giggle.

“Well, to use one of your expressions,” D’Argo said, “You’re gonna have to take one for the team.”

“Technically, I’ve taken two!” John yelled and held up two fingers to prove his point.

D’Argo said, “Now it’s time for the triple. Listen, she still has Jool and Chiana but we have a plan to get them out.”

“What's the plan?” John asked.

D’Argo and Sikozu looked meaningfully at each other. As tactfully as possible, Sikozu said, “We are operating on a need-to-know basis and we think it best that you only know your part.”

“Excuse me?” John said.

“Well,” D’Argo said, “We think if you know the whole plan-“

“Ok so you two worked it out,” John spoke to the tentacle-headed alien directly, “You come up with a plan, you tell her and you’re not gonna tell me the plan?! Well, let me tell you,” John pulled himself out of the pool and turned so he could sit on the ledge with his feet dangling. He scrubbed his face with his hands before continuing. “I am not getting back in the saddle with Mata Hari until I get the whole plan.”

“If you go back there,” Sikozu said, “Can you be sure that Grayza will not make you tell her everything you know?”

John looked away uncertainly and scrubbed his face with his hand again.

D’Argo knelt down to look John in the eye and said, “You know it’s the right thing to do, John.”

John worked his jaw for a few seconds before he muttered, “Fine. What do you want me to do?”

“Ok,” D’Argo said. “The marauders are ready to go and we think they want to take you with them. You have to keep Grayza busy for about two hours.”

“From what we’ve seen,” Sikozu said, “that shouldn’t be too hard.”

“Trust me, it’ll be hard,” John said snidely. “What am I supposed to do in two hours?” he asked

“Just wait for my signal,” D’Argo said.

John nodded. “Right,” he said.

D’Argo spoke again, “John, when the Peacekeepers find you, it’s gonna have to look believable, you know, that you’re hurt and that you’ve taken a fall.”

John nodded again and said, “I can fake that.”

“Are you sure?” D’Argo said. “They have to believe-“

“I said I can fake it!” John shouted.

“Ok, ok,” D’Argo said. He looked John in the eye and asked again, “Are you sure you can fake it?”

“I’m sure,” John said with a decisive nod.

“Ok,” D’Argo said. He waited a beat then he shot a several foot-long tongue out of his mouth and stung John on the side of the neck.

John laughed and said, “You bastard,” as he collapsed into the water.

The scene dissolved.

“Damn! What the hell kind of best friend is that?” Sam asked.

“The kind you name your son after, apparently,” Steve said ironically.

“What about this Scorpius individual that Nick Fury mentioned?” Vision asked.

The center display composed another tableau.

This scene was set in the hallway of an ancient ruin. A Peacekeeper soldier threw John down against a wall and another soldier restrained Chiana. A woman walked down the hallway, trailed by more Peacekeepers.

“That is Commandant Grayza, one of the highest-ranking members of Peacekeeper Command,” Steve said. “At least she was 7 years ago.”

Grayza approached John and asked, “Remember me?”

John barely acknowledged her with his gaze, staring straight ahead instead, and said, “Oh yeah. I remember a couple of things.”

“I can make things easy for you,” Grayza said. This did get a look from John. Grayza continued, “And to prove my good will, Braca?” She called to another officer. Braca stepped forward holding a leash that had been tied to a collar around Scorpius’s neck. Scorpius shuffled forward on his hands and knees.

“What the fuck?” Rhodey asked. “Did she turn that guy into a gimp?”

A long string of drool descended from Scorpius’s mouth to the floor. John did everything he could to avoid looking at him.

“He’ll never bother you again,” Grayza said confidently. “Scorpius?” she said to the creature on the floor. When there was no reaction, Grayza kicked Scorpius hard. At Scorpius’ grunt of pain, John’s eyes snapped over with a flash of grim satisfaction in them.  John quickly returned his gaze to the wall ahead, though. Grayza lifted her boot and Scorpius eagerly began to lick its dirty sole. Grayza put her foot down and walked closer to John. Braca dragged Scorpius over as well. “Do anything you want to him, anything at all,” Grayza said.

John chuckled and said, “No thanks. I don’t think I can come up with anything better than that.”

The scene dissolved, and Steve said, “Scorpius isn’t a threat to Earth, anymore. The Scarrans might be, though.”

The scene that appeared on the display was, oddly enough, a cliched police interrogation room. John appeared dressed to play the detective and Scorpius was the 2-bit-thug suspect.

Rhodey raised a hand and asked, “Ok what is this?”

“Your front row seat to the madhouse,” Steve said. "That's Harvey, he's some kind of strange amalgamation of Scorpius and John's personality."

John lit a cigarette with a silver lighter, then looked baffled at the cigarette. “What have I told you about smoking in my head?” he asked Harvey.

“I ain’t sayin’ another word! Talk to Scorpius, he’s the boss!” Harvey said in a thick New York accent.

John began to spin the lighter in his fingers, “I’m talking to you,” he said. He pointed to a flower pot on the table and said, “Flowers.”

Harvey shrugged dismissively and said, “The number one secret in the whole Scarran empire. Even the Charids and the Kaelish haven’t figured it’s real deal. They need ‘em. Scarrans are simplistic, brutish creatures. Should’ve died out generations ago.”

“What happens when they eat the flower?” John asked.

“Big brains! Evolutionarily competitive!” Harvey said.

“And if they don’t eat them?” John asked.

“Your dog could beat them at checkers!” Harvey said.

This final scene dissolved and Steve said, “The flower they’re talking about is the Bird-of-paradise and as far as John knows, Earth is the only planet it exists on besides the Scarran outpost of Katratzi, which was destroyed.”

“Do the Scarrans know where Earth is?” Wanda asked.

“Not yet,” Steve said. 

“Alright, which dastardly galactic empire is next?” Sam asked. "And does anyone else want popcorn?" 

Chapter Text

“Since when does weed stop seizures?” John asked while sorting through the case full of vials that Tony had brought with him on the flight up to Moya.

“Since the government allowed researchers to study it for medicinal properties,” Tony said while he looked through all the other vials around the ship’s laboratory. “You do know humans have been interacting with this plant for thousands of years, right?”

John laughed and said, “I did not know that. I just liked getting high.”

“Well you should know that this particular strand doesn’t actually get you high,” Tony said.

“That’s cool,” John said. “My dealer has better dren anyway.” He put the vials back in the case and closed it. “Come on, I told Aeryn we’d meet her back at the Quinjet.”

“It’s also good for anxiety,” Tony said.

John nodded and said, “Go figure.

“So,” Tony began as John led him down the corridor. “You really want all of us to see your worst experiences from the last 15 years?”

John looked sideways at Tony. “It’s not that I want you all to see them, per se. I just want you to be prepared for what’s out there. Besides, not all of the B.A.R.F. sessions were bad,” he said, “I had Friday categorize the feel-good ones under ‘Friends and Family.’ I’d appreciate it if you gave those to the other guy’s parents.”

Tony frowned, “The other guy?”

“The other John Crichton, your John Crichton,” John winked at Tony.

Tony’s frown deepened, and he asked, “Do you think my John Crichton is still alive out there?”

John returned Tony’s question with his own, “Do you want the honest answer?”

“Yes!” Tony said emphatically.

“I think you should hope that he’s already dead and that he died 15 years ago,” John said.

“And why should I hope that?” Tony asked.

“Because I’ve actually been to several alternate realities and believe it or not, I’m the best-case scenario,” John said. He let Tony chew on that for a few minutes before saying, “Listen, I’ve got another favor to ask. Something Aeryn and I have been talking about for a while.”

“Shoot,” Tony said.

“We’d like for D’Argo to be buried on Earth,” John said.

Tony blinked, “Come again?” he said.

“We already have the coffin ready, it’s got a vacuum seal so you shouldn’t have an issue stowing it on the QuinJet. Right?” John asked.

“But D’Argo isn’t dead,” Tony said.

“Yes he is. He’s been dead for months,” John said. “His heart just doesn’t know it.”

“But you said you couldn’t kill him,” Tony said.

John nodded solemnly and said, “I can’t. That’s why Aeryn’s giving him the lethal dose.”

Tony closed his eyes and shook his head. “Seriously, you're springing this on me now when it's T minus 45 minutes to wormhole,” he said, “What the actual fuck?”

“Look!” John said in exasperation. “I know it was manipulative to wait 'til the last minute, alright. But what if it wasn't an accident that we came here? This is literally the only chance D'Argo has to get a proper burial. Please. Is it really that much to ask?”

Again Tony shook his head, but he said, “This is fucked up, John. What am I supposed to tell Jack and Leslie? 'I know I helped John leave you without saying goodbye but look, I brought back your dead grandson instead?' Fine. Ok. Hell, there’s already an empty Crichton grave in Jacksonville, anyway.”

John’s comm device buzzed with Aeryn’s voice, “John, it’s done. Did you talk with Tony?”

“Yeah,” John said. “It’s all settled now.”

Chapter Text

Clint’s lungs burned as he raced down the corridor. Rounding a corner, he collided with Nerri but managed to steady them both before either could fall over. “Nerri!” Clint gasped. “Follow me.” Clint took off running again and Nerri followed gamely

“Where are we going?” Nerri asked

Clint took off running again and shouted behind himself, “The medical ward!”

“Why?” Nerri asked as he kept up easily with Clint.

Clint shook his head and said, “I can’t sprint and talk at the same time.”

Meanwhile…

Aeryn followed Natasha’s gaze down to the bed. “Did Clint explain D’Argo’s condition to you?” Aeryn asked.

“I don’t think Clint understood it enough to explain it to me,” Natasha said.

“Well,” Aeryn said as she prepared a syringe, “Suffice it to say that D’Argo has been dead for months. John’s excuse for keeping his body on Moya was that we didn’t have anywhere to bury him. And John needed time.”

 “Time for what?” Natasha asked.

Aeryn softly rubbed D’Argo’s arm before she began to insert the syringe and said, "Time to say goodbye."

“Wait!” Clint shouted from the doorway.

“The time for waiting is over,” Aeryn said coolly as she administered the injection. The monitor that reflected D’Argo’s heart rate began to flash a warning sign so Aeryn turned the machine off. She turned her chin toward the comm badge on her vest and said, “John it’s done. Did you talk with Tony?”

“Yeah,” John’s voice buzzed through the badge, “It’s all settled now.”

Clint shook his head in disbelief and asked, “Why?”

Aeryn looked at Clint with tears in her eyes that refused to fall and said, “Because he’s a sebacean who has died and he’s a human who deserves a decent burial.” She reached under D’Argo and lifted his slight body into her arms.  She walked past Clint and Nerri to the far corner of the room and laid D’Argo’s body in a small coffin that had been hidden in shadow. “Nerri will you help me with this?” Nerri nodded and grabbed the other side of the coffin. Clint watched the two of them leave, still dumbfounded.

Natasha gave Clint a one-armed hug but Clint jerked out of her grip and asked angrily, “Why didn’t you stop her?”

Natasha frowned at Clint and said, “Because it wasn’t my place to. Come on, we need to get back to the Quinjet.”

Chapter Text

“You sure you want to go another round with that Molten Mjolnir?” Tony asked Thor.

Thor waved his spoon dramatically and declared, “Of course. The flavors and textures are astounding! Who would have thought to put candied jalapenos in ice cream?”

“It’s just,” Tony said. He paused and considered how best to phrase his next words, “Eating your feelings is not the best way to cope with getting dumped.”

“Jane didn’t dump me!” Thor said. “It was a mutual dumping.”

Tony shook his head and said, “If you say so. Hey, I got a question about the other 9 realms.”

Thor smiled, “I have an answer.”

“Have you ever met someone named John Crichton?” Tony asked.

Thor racked his memory for a few moments and then shook his head slowly. “No. I don’t know anyone by that name,” he said. His eyes lit up and he continued, “I have heard of a John Crouton, though.”

“Yeah?” Tony said.

“Yes, stories about him started popping up ten or so years ago,” Thor said.

“But you’ve never met him,” Tony said.

“No. And he should hope I never do,” Thor said grimly.

“Why is that?” Tony asked.

“Because he’s a terrorist!” Thor said. “He’s murdered thousands of innocent people. But that’s John Crouton not John Crichton so he’s certainly not the man you’re thinking of.” He smiled and shoved another spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.