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Horror. Pain. Incomprehension. Burning eyes. Shaking hands. And then nothing.
Numbness.
Tony felt numb. His mind seemed disconnected from his body. He couldn't even acknowledge the deep wound on his side anymore, too busy by the one tearing his heart in half.
Seventeen. He was seventeen for God's sake.
It had all happened so fast. One second he was there, the next one, he was crumbling and slipping like dust between his fingers. Like fucking dust! Peter Parker, the most bright, cheerful, clever, brave teenager he had ever crossed paths with, was gone.
And God, his voice. His tiny, shaking voice. So fragile, so scared. Tony felt every stab of pain in his being. He felt every breathy word, every voice crack, every bit of flesh gone.
The kid had clung to him like his life depended on it.
Which it literally did. Uttering the sentence "I don't wanna go" like a mantra, probably hoping it would turn true.
And to think after all these years, the scheme was still the same, repeating itself over and over again. He would always lose someone. He would always pay the price. He had thousands of people working for him but in the end, the few closer to his heart were the first ones to disappear.
His conscience would never be free. The pain would never stop. Never. Going. To stop.
What was he going to do? What was Thanos going to do?
After two years of relatively peaceful days, wedding plans on the way and baby names in the head, this felt like a slap in the face. A huge fucking slap that seemed to remind him: "you will never be happy! You will never live long enough to know what uninterrupted rest feels like."
And when Tony had thought he was more than ready for this life of endless bliss, surrounded by the people he loved and cared about the most, the reality had come crashing down to Earth. Quite literally.
He had chosen this life. Ten years ago. He had made the choice to dedicate the rest of his journey to saving the world. But what was the point of saving it if he couldn't even save and protect the people that mean the world to him?
Hopelessness was settling on his mind, running through his veins, erasing every little shred of light he had ever had.
He had no idea how to contact the rest of the avengers, and even if most of them were still alive. The feeling of doubt had never felt worse before. It was crawling under his skin, seeking every bit of uneasiness he had carried throughout this whole expedition.
He didn't even know for sure if Underoos and the rest of their team were dead or just evaporated in the universe, lost and scattered around different galaxies. Let just say his mind wasn't thinking of the best.
Tony wanted to hit himself again and again for letting that happened a second time. He had let the kid choose to stay. He had let him prove himself. Again. For what? Because he was feeling a little proud that his protegee wanted to impress him? Maybe if he had just decided to stay on this freaking bus, he would still be alive. But Peter was just so damn stubborn and he was so damn stupid.
He did know from the very beginning that he shouldn't have asked such a young person to join the Avengers, and not because he felt like they couldn't handle it, but because HE couldn't. Like he couldn't bare seeing Wanda so careless three years ago and putting herself in danger, before the whole world. And he had spent every minute of his free time devoting himself to Peter's new costume, making sure that it had every function he could think of to help him and protect him, without having it look like he was babysitting him. But it was all pretty useless in the end.
Because Tony knew one thing from now on. He knew that the things he cherished the most, would always be taken from him at one point, whether he fought for them or not.
The exhaustion and the blood loss were making him delirious. Nebula was still standing by his side, silenced, in shock. Tony came to a halt, his breathing starting to get erratic.
After the numbness, comes the panic.
He had a feeling Strange's magic had reversed something, something that shouldn't be changed.
Time. Time was precious. His whole life had been based off this experience. The little time spent with Pepper doing the most basic things, the little time spent peacefully with the Avengers, the little time he had known Peter...
But everything of these moments had gone to dust. Literally. And nothing would ever be the same.