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There’s always that one person you hate.
Sometimes you just can’t explain it but that person, they’ve just done something to deserve your hate.
Well Lucas didn’t even have that.
He just hated Taeyong. He hated how the elder was so responsible and looking out for everyone. He hated the fact that he was so accommodating, instead of rolling his eyes and sighing out loud at the rambunctious bunch he looked at everyone fondly even if he did give them the cold shoulder from time to time but everyone already knew by now that wasn’t the real Taeyong.
The real Taeyong was so sweet and caring and never wanted someone to feel left out or unappreciated.
The Taeyong he hated was sweet, intelligent, and hard-working. So even if you said you didn’t like him, you liked him.
Except Lucas because he really did hate him.
Hated how Taeyong was the pillar of NCT and held everyone else up, he was doing a good job at it too, when their spirits got too low he was always there.
Alright maybe Lucas didn’t hate him, maybe he was just so beyond upset with his hyung because, well, while he was busy taking care of everything and everyone, who was taking care of him? No one of course. But Taeyong never said anything, not wanting anyone to worry and that’s what Lucas hated.
Alright maybe he just hated falling.
In any case he also hated his face, he couldn’t even be mad at it. Everything everyone had ever said about his hyung paled when you actually saw him in person, he had heard whispers of Taeyong hyung but never really understood what the big fuss was about until he saw him. No one could’ve prepared him for it, he literally looked drop dead gorgeous, Lucas was sure he would never see anyone as beautiful as him again in his lifetime.
Again he just hated heights.
Then when he spoke, Lucas finally realized why it seemed like everyone just seemed to fall in love with Taeyong. His voice, at first, was a complete juxtaposition to his face but his caring undertones suited him well once you got to know him.
Really, Lucas hated how hard-working his hyung was. It wasn’t him but his personality he hated. That oh-so-sweet caring and nurturing selflessness he had.
He was the leader of NCT. He was in charge of all of them, had to make sure they were practicing and all up to date with everything. Even helping Mark with the dream unit when it technically wasn’t his actual responsibility. When foreigners came in he never complained, his smile only getting more excited as he took them under his wing. He was surprised when Taeyong hyung had spoken Mandarin to him when they had first met, he soon learned there were other Chinese trainees. For some reason that tugged something in his chest knowing it was nothing special, then again what did he expect. He had just gotten there, of course his hyung wouldn’t just learn Mandarin for him.
Soon enough he met Ten and asked him how he settled in. He was surprised, but not really, when Taeyong’s name left the other Thai’s lips.
“I- really? I didn’t know hyung knew Thai.” Ten nodded excitedly, but suddenly slumped down, something unreadable in his expression but it was gone as quickly as it had come, and he smiled again.
“Taeyong hyung always wants to help in any way he can so he tries his best to learn our languages for us.”
Lucas nodded, looking at the wall blankly before a thought came to him. “How many languages is hyung studying?”
Ten seemed to ponder it for a bit. “Thai, Mandarin, English……...he overheard some of the staff saying you know Cantonese so that might be next on his list.”
“A-AH he doesn’t HAVE to learn that, Mandarin is just fine!” Ten gave him a funny look, as if there was something he didn’t know before laughing and standing up.
“Good luck telling hyung that.”
So Lucas tried but true to Ten’s implications, Taeyong was determined and stubborn but Lucas couldn’t even be mad because his Cantonese was good, some mispronunciation errors here and there but nothing that couldn’t be fixed.
Just to throw him off he decided to speak Thai, he knew hyung still spoke to Ten in it from time to time but ever since Ten had become more fluent in Korean it had grown less and less.
He took pride in finally seeing a crack in his hyung’s facade, he looked shocked. Lucas smiled small, in all this time he had only seen the outward appearance he knew his hyung had perfected over the years, his smile faltered however when the small crack was quickly patched up and his hyung smiled. A smile so bright it looked like the sun was caught in it.
Then, seemingly perfect, Thai fell from his lips and that dazzling smile was still there. He felt his jaw tighten as he fought to smile as well, responding back in Thai before darting out of the room.
That was it really, that’s why Lucas hated Taeyong.
And here he was yet again acting so perfect. It was like everything was effortless to him, but he knew it wasn’t. Everyone knew Taeyong’s work was the product of years of dedication, he didn’t suddenly wake up one day and say “I’ll think I’ll be perfect,” although Lucas wouldn’t put it past him. It seemed like no matter what it was, if Taeyong put his mind to it, he could achieve it.
Really he had to thank him, it was that same drive and dedication that he mirrored, that he instilled into his life, but even then he still had someone.
When times got tough he had Jungwoo to lean on, and Kun had him to lean on while he could Jungwoo could lean on Kun and so on, so forth. It seemed like Taeyong had Taeil, Youngho, Jaehyun, perhaps even Yuta but Lucas saw through all of that. Maybe even they didn’t realize but Taeyong never really let himself lean on anyone, he would let you in, yes, but he wouldn’t really tell you what was going on. He would only say enough to give you the illusion that you were helping him but other than he kept things to himself.
Lucas didn’t know why and he hated that. He could tell it was wearing him down.
Lucas himself couldn’t imagine being in charge of so many people, encouraging everyone when even he had his own doubts and insecurities. He was determined to get close to Taeyong hyung no matter what.
But every path had a bump in the road.
Winwin.
He couldn’t for the life of him find out why the other Chinese irritated him to no end, until he finally did. Once he figured it out, it was painfully obvious. How much Taeyong doted on Sicheng, making sure he was taken care of, even going out of his way to make sure the other had everything he could need. Lucas wouldn’t be bothered by it if Taeyong treated everyone that way but he didn’t, he wondered if anyone else saw it but if they did, they never spoke up about it. He couldn’t explain it but seeing them always caused something to squeeze painfully in his chest.
It was almost a relief when Sicheng finally gained his footing, started learning more Korean, stopped depending on Taeyong as much, even got more familiar with the other members. Thing is Lucas really wanted to be mad but when he saw Sicheng he knew why Taeyong was so protective over him. Even though Sicheng was his hyung, as soon as he saw those big curious eyes he just felt like scooping him up in his arms.
“Can I stop the flow of time?”
It wasn’t until the new year that Lucas saw another crack and then a complete breakdown.
He knew how stressed Taeyong hyung was, he didn’t understand why until they started filming the yearbook and nctmentary videos. This was news to him and everyone else but from what he saw it wasn’t news to his hyung so he knew he must’ve been told earlier. Only made him wonder what he knew as a leader, what kind of burdens he was put under.
They were told about the NCT 2018 project but very briefly for the most part, again Lucas looked to Taeyong and none of this seemed new, in fact it looked like he was even lost in his own thoughts.
“Can I swim in your divine?”
They were in Ukraine now just busy recording the music video, it all blurred together.
When they were on break, that’s when Lucas found the crack in his hyung’s outwards appearance. He found him staring outside of the window, watching the snowfall.
“Hey hyung.” His voice was quiet as he didn’t want to startle him, Taeyong was quiet for a few moments before turning to him with a glazed look in his eyes.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Of course,” he bit his lip as he continued. “Are you?”
Taeyong turned and for awhile didn’t say anything and Lucas was about to take that as his cue to go until his head suddenly dropped down. Since he had never seen him do that before it was only natural for him to be concerned, looking around and only seeing the two of them he stepped closer.
“H-Hyung?”
When there was no answer he gently lifted his hyung’s face, frowning when he saw no tears but glassy, watery eyes, as if waiting for something to let them fall. Not knowing what to do he guided them back in a nearby chair, his hyung in his lap. “When did you last sleep?”
He really thought his hyung was just going to ignore him.
“I don’t know.” He didn’t know why that reply tore him up inside. Gently he ran his fingers through his hyung’s red hair, smiling to himself as he thought of this moment. Just the two of them with no one else around.
“Rest, I’ll wake you.” He didn’t know if his hyung would trust him so he was pleasantly surprised when he actually heard the other’s breathing evening out.
When they left he had questions, mainly on why Ten didn’t record with them since he had in fact gone with them, and why Taeyong had stayed behind.
Also, would his hyung still sleep without him?
“Cause I don’t think I’d ever leave this place.”
He knew he was hopeless. He wasn’t as dense as some people liked to believe, he had realized before Taeyong and Ten returned that his feelings for the former went beyond what a friend should feel.
That’s why when their music video dropped he couldn’t even be mad at himself when his eyes instinctively sought out Taeyong.
He also was the first to know when the “Baby Don’t Stop,” teasers came out, if he spent his time counting down the days when the actual video was released, well no one else had to know.
“Cause baby we’re just reckless kids, tryna find an island in the flood.”
The complete breakdown happened when everyone else was away from the dorm. The dream unit were working on their teasers, the U unit were in the practice room and the 127 unit was just scattered. Lucas had gone back to their dorm, partly because he realized Taeyong hyung was nowhere to be found, and partly because he forgot his water bottle.
He heard the sniffles as soon as he stepped in but they stopped as soon as they heard the door close.
Lucas heard the hesitation in his hyung’s voice as he called out. “H-Hyung?” He pondered on remaining silent but quickly decided against it. He walked over to the sofa his hyung was on, Taeyong was hiding his face so Lucas, trying to brighten up the mood. “You're the only hyung here last I checked.” It worked cause Taeyong scoffed out of pure adoration, he could see the hesitation but soon his hyung raised his face to look at him.
Lucas frowned seeing his tear-stained face, his hyung sniffling every now and then.
“Did something happen?”
Taeyong shook his head, it could be Lucas making things up but, it seemed like he was almost glad, relieved to see him.
“No….just…...I don’t know, I guess things just spilled out, maybe my emotions just overflowed for a second.”
It took him a second but he smiled when he realized what his hyung was trying to say, or better put, trying to do.
Sitting down next to him he pulled Taeyong into his lap, he felt him tense before he relaxed completely. For a moment a lulled silence fell between them.
“You’re not alone hyung.”
It was like those were the words Taeyong needed to hear, as his hands fisted his shirt and tugged him closer while pressing himself up against him, his face situated near his neck pressed closer as well and soon he felt that spot getting damp. He rubbed soothing circles onto his back.
“It’s true, you’re not alone.” “I’m here.” “We’re all here.” “Don’t worry.” “Don’t get stressed out by yourself.”
“Tell someone.” “Tell me!” He didn’t mean to emphasize it so hard but what’s done is done and it’s not like he didn’t mean it, Taeyong needed someone to lean on, to fully support him and Lucas, with every fiber of his being wanted to be that person for him.
“And I will give you everything baby, but can you feel this energy?”
“Why Lucas?”
It took almost twenty minutes for his hyung to calm down and when he was, he was very confused.
“Why what?”
“Why do you care so much, I’m the one supposed to be taking care of you.” Lucas wanted to roll his eyes at that. “And you? Who’s going to take care of you?”
“Taeil hyung does, even the manager.”
“But you don’t let them in! You just keep things to yourself until these things happen.”
Taeyong frowned at that, wiping all his tears away and if it wasn’t for the red, puffy eyes you couldn’t even tell he’d been crying in the first place.
“And what exactly are ‘these things’ it only happened once.”
“That I know of.”
Taeyong sighed but said nothing else, instead choosing to lay his head back down onto Lucas’ chest who in turn relaxed, holding his hyung close to him, hoping he didn’t hear the pounding of his heart but knowing he probably did.
“I'm fine.” Lucas wanted to refute that but he had no real evidence, sure he was crying but he never told him why he was crying. So he asked.
“Then what are you crying for?”
“Have you ever wanted someone you know you can't have?”
Lucas wanted to laugh at the irony of it all.
“And who can't you have hyung? Everyone wants you!”
Taeyong let out a chuckle but Lucas could hear how empty it sounded, it seemed like he just laughed in order to fill the silence for a bit while he thought of what to say.
“Just my luck then. The one guy I want doesn't want me.”
Lucas felt all the air being kicked out of his lungs. “I-Its a guy?”
He waited in anticipation, he knew in the back of his mind he probably should've let his hyung know he didn't have a problem with it but his hammering heart had different priorities.
“Yeah….got a problem?” He was just trying to act tough, he knew his hyung was actually nervous, he had felt it when his whole body tensed up.
“No, not at all. It's good news.” His hyung shifted in his lap, Lucas just let it be, watching him as he kept shifting anxiously before finally looking up at him.
“What do you mean by good news?” Lucas bit his lip, he wasn't sure if he should also come clean but he figured it was only fair.
“Well….at least now I'm not worried. I like boys too hyung.”
He watched intently as relief and hope? Shimmered in his hyungs eyes before they were closed, Taeyong slouching back into his original position. Lucas shivering slightly as he felt the small puffs of air against his neck.
“Do you like anyone?”
His heart so badly wanted to scream out his feelings but he merely shrugged. “Not really? Who’s the person you like hyung?”
“There was another silence and Taeyong sighed, seemingly filled with defeat. Lucas was about to tell him to forget it but his hyung beat him to it.
“I won’t change if you won’t.”
He didn’t know what that meant but suddenly, his heart fluttered, hope started growing in the most unlikely places while he held his breath, waiting, just waiting.
“Take it. You can have the best of me baby.”
“It’s you.”
Lucas didn’t even think, he didn’t need to as he turned him around on his lap and brought their lips together, at first Taeyong resisted. More confused than anything but eventually melted into the warm and loving embrace.
“Turn the lights, turn the lights down low.”