Chapter Text
Love is Blind
Feliciano had long since accepted that he would never feel his heart beat and, although it saddened him, he tried to remain as the bright and bubbly Italian he had been before he lost his sight. A fall from a tree when he was ten had caused damage that prevented signals from the eyes from reaching the brain. The eyes themselves were uninjured but the doctors had said that there was no way to repair the damage. His grandfather and brother helped him as much as they could, helping him to learn to live with his disability and learning to use Braille and echolocation, although some people wondered why Feli said 'Vee~' all the time. His family tried to let Feliciano do as much as he could himself but were ready to help when needed.
When he was fifteen and his friends began to find their soulmates, he fell into depression because he knew that would never happen for him. You found your soulmate when you looked into their eyes and your heart began beating but Feliciano could not look into anyone's eyes and would never find his soulmate which made him wonder what was the point for him. No one ever realised what was going through Feliciano's head because he kept up his happy façade. Things came to a head when he was seventeen when his brother, Lovino came home to find Feliciano a sobbing mess with a knife held to his wrist and neither his brother nor his grandfather left him alone after that and took him to a therapist.
Doctor Elizaveta Héderváry Edelstein, a pretty brown haired, green eyed Hungarian lady married to her Austrian soulmate, Roderich, worked hard to help Feliciano out of his depression and to give him hope for the future. Feliciano no longer felt the need to end his own life but how can he believe in the future when a soulmate would never happen for him.
Feliciano had realised something. While he would not be able to look into the eyes of others, others would be able to look into his and one could be his soulmate but he could not stand the idea of someone being stuck with someone who's heart could never beat for them so he began to keep his eyes closed around strangers. Not everyone found their soulmates or lost them and would sometimes make a life with another who was soulmate-less and he want any soulmate of his to have that chance rather than have the pain of having their heart beat for someone who's heart could never do the same. Only those who had already seen his eyes or had already found their soul mates could see them now because he knew they were not his soul mate so they were safe.
"I'm wondering, Feli," Elizaveta said, during one of their sessions when Feli was twenty. "Why are you so sure that you should never find your soulmate?" Feli sighed.
"My soulmate might find me, Miss Elizaveta," he replied. Elizaveta always told her patients to call her Elizaveta to create an air of trust. "But they wouldn't want someone who's heart would never beat because I can't see their eyes!"
"Feli," Elizaveta replied. "What makes you think they would care about that, as long as they found you? Besides, there is a theory that when we look into our soulmate's eyes, it's not their eyes that make our hearts beat but subconsciously seeing their souls."
"But I can't see that either," Feli sighed, again. Elizaveta smiled.
"You don't need eyes to see someone's soul, Feli," she replied. "In fact, judging by sight can often blind us to a person's true worth. You should open your eyes and let your soul mate find you! See what happens!" Feli shook his head.
"And what if I do and my heart doesn't beat?" Feli said. "I can't let someone be stuck with me like that, Miss Elizaveta! It's not fair!" This time Elizaveta sighed.
"At least, think about it!" she plead. "Oh, Feli! I won't be here for the next few months so a replacement doctor will be taking over while I'm on maternity leave!" Feliciano knew that this would happen with Elizaveta being eight months pregnant with her first child but he still looked horrified as he was used to Elizaveta and was scared of the idea of seeing a new doctor.
"Maybe I should wait until you come back, Miss Elizaveta,” he suggested. “I don't want to see another doctor, I trust you!" Elizaveta put a comforting hand on Feli's shoulder.
"You can't forgo your sessions for so long, Feli," she replied. "Besides, you can trust my replacement. He's actually Roderich's cousin, Ludwig, and he's a good therapist. Give him a chance, Feli!" Feliciano gave a worried little whine and finally nodded. Elizaveta smiled and gave Feli a hug.
"It'll be fine!" she promised. "You'll see!"
Doctor Ludwig Beilschmidt had enjoyed the meal that his cousin and his wife had invited him to but now it was time for him and Elizaveta to get down to business. She invited him to their home so they could discuss the patients he would be taking care of while Elizaveta awaited the birth of her baby. A lot of her patients seemed to have issues he had seen before so he did not anticipate any problems.
"Any patients that particularly worry you?" he asked. Elizaveta sighed and produced a file from among the pile in front of them and handed it to him and he opened it.
"Feliciano Vargas," she replied. "He's been my patient for a year, even since his brother caught him trying to commit suicide. He always appeared to be happy so it came as a shock to his family to discover that he'd been suffering from depression from the age of fifteen, from what I've been able to piece together." Ludwig looked over the file and saw one important detail.
"Blind from the age of ten," he noted. "Is that the root of his depression?" Elizaveta shook her head.
"It's part of it but it's not the root cause," she clarified. "He was apparently fine until he reached the age of fifteen when many of the same age around him began finding their soulmates. He believes he can never find his because he can't see anyone's eyes and he kept his depression a secret for two years until it became too much. Thank goodness his brother returned home when he did!"
"Surely his soulmate can find him," Ludwig commented. "If his soulmate's heart begins beating, he'll know that that person is his soulmate!" Elizaveta gave a sad smile.
"He thinks it's unfair to tie them to someone who's heart will never beat for them," she replied. "It's sad, really! He's a lovely person and it's so unfair that this happened to him!"
"Bad things happen to good people!" Ludwig said. "Fair has very little to do with it!"
Elizaveta gazed at her cousin by marriage. Ludwig was a handsome blonde, blue eyed man who had yet to find his own soulmate. He looked like an unlikely therapist but he was good at it and she hoped he could get Feliciano to trust him and help him. It would be great if it turned out that Ludwig was Feliciano's soulmate but she could not have everything.
"Feli will need careful handling," she told him. "I'm the only therapist he's ever visited and he was very reluctant to see another one. He keeps his eyes closed around people he doesn't know or those without their soulmate to avoid 'trapping' his own into a life with a blind man who believes his heart will never beat for them. It's a shame because he has beautiful eyes but he thinks his soulmate would be better off finding someone else without a soulmate to build a life with!"
This Feliciano Vargas was probably trying to be selfless but Ludwig thought it was selfish of him to make such a decision on behalf of his unknown soulmate. He, himself, would give anything to find his soul mate, even one who would never have a beating heart. Still, maybe he should not make such a snap judgement, after all, he had not met the man yet.
Ludwig had just finished up with one of Elizaveta's patients and he had a few minutes before his last appointment which was with Feliciano Vargas and Ludwig had taken a long look at Feli's file. Parents deceased, one older brother and a grandfather. Elizaveta's notes described a young man who hid a lot of pain behind a bubbly, happy front who increasingly isolated himself visually from everyone around him to prevent his soulmate from finding him. It had to stop before the loneliness drove Feliciano to suicide again.
There was a knock on the office door and Ludwig called for the visitor to come in. The door opened and a man stood in the doorway. A small man with auburn hair with a big curl growing out on the left and an all-too-bright smile on his face that could fool anyone into thinking he was happy but Ludwig had been forewarned and he could see hints that it was forced. He could not see if the smile reached the man's eyes because his eyes were closed. 'So this is Feliciano Vargas!' Ludwig thought. Feliciano was a beautiful young man who needed help if he was ever going to be a part of the world he was separating himself from.
"Come in, Feliciano," Ludwig said. Elizaveta had told him to use first names with Feli to get him to trust him. Feliciano said 'Vee~' and came forward, almost unerringly, to the couch in front of the chair in which Ludwig sat but remained standing as if waiting for something.
"Please sit down," Ludwig invited and Feliciano sat on the couch. "I'm Doctor Beilschmidt but you can called me Ludwig!" Feliciano's ears could make out the warmth in Doctor Ludwig's voice in an attempt to be as friendly as possible. He sounded nice and German and Elizaveta seemed to think a lot of him so the least he could do was give him a chance.
"Ciao, Mr Ludwig!" Feliciano greeted. "Miss Elizaveta told me about you. Her husband is your cousin, right?"
"That's right, Feliciano!" Ludwig confirmed. "She's told me about you too but I want you to tell about yourself."
"Well," Feliciano began. "My full name is Feliciano Veneziano Vargas and I'm twenty years old, I have an older fratello called Lovino and a grandfather called Romulus, I've been blind since I was ten and I've been Miss Elizaveta's patient for over a year."
"And the reason why you began your sessions with Elizaveta?" Ludwig knew but he want Feliciano to tell him, to trust him with the story but Feliciano's all too bright smile finally faltered and he lapsed into silence. He did not want to talk about that with Doctor Beilschmidt, he had only just met him and it had taken months for Feliciano to open up to Elizaveta about it so he did not want to reopen that particular wound. Ludwig could sense that Feliciano was withdrawing and that pursuing this subject right now might send Feliciano straight out the door so he decided to pull back.
"You don't have to tell me now if you don't want to," Ludwig told him and Feliciano visibly relaxed. "What about why you never open your eyes?" Feli shrugged.
"There's no need to," he replied. "I've no more vision when my eyes are open than when they're closed. Besides, if I keep my eyes open …..." Feliciano trailed off as he realised he was about to reveal more than he wanted to.
"Your soulmate might see them?" It was phrased as a question but Ludwig was telling Feliciano that he knew about his obsession of making sure he did not tied his potential soulmate to him for life. Feliciano gave a slight whimper.
"I can't see anybody's eyes," he replied, sorrowfully. "My heart will never beat so it's better that my soulmate never finds me and they can make a life with someone else who hasn't got a soulmate."
"Feliciano, you might think that what you're doing is for the best," Ludwig said. "But are you sure that you're doing the right thing? Is it fair to leave your soulmate wondering why they never found you? Even if they make another life for themselves, it will still be someone who's heart doesn't beat for them!"
"But they'll know it's not suppose to," Feliciano replied. "What would it be like if they did find me and they know that my heart should be beating but doesn't? How long before they become bitter about it and grow to resent me?" Ludwig made a note that there was a hidden pessimistic streak in Feliciano's personality. That he believed that his soulmate might ultimately reject him because his lack of sight prevented his heart from beating. Speaking from his own experience, Ludwig would just be glad if he found his soulmate, even if their heart never beat, especially for a reason like Feliciano's.
"You don't know that would happen," Ludwig said. "Your soulmate might just be so happy to find you that they won't care that your heart doesn't beat, especially for such a reason." Feliciano just put his head down.
"I'm too scared to try," he whispered. Ludwig sighed and realised he had a lot of work to do with this young man because he had been left alone too long with this poisonous idea running around in his head and it would take a while to dis-spell it. Life was full of chances and Feliciano had to take a chance if he would ever live a normal life. Believing in the worst case scenario would only hold him back so Ludwig had to encourage whatever Feliciano had in the way of optimism.
"When you first went blind?" Ludwig asked. "What was the reaction? I mean how did your family and friends feel about your blindness?" Feliciano looked up and tilted his head as he thought about it.
"Lovi and Nonno did everything they could to help me," he replied. "It was hard for them at first but they wouldn't let me feel sad or down and they helped me learn to do things for myself so I wouldn't have to depend on others so much."
"And your friends?"
"They came to visit me and to cheer me up," Feliciano said. "But I lost touch with them when I was sent to a school for the blind."
"Did you make new friends at this school?" Ludwig asked.
"Si!" Feli replied, smiling. "I made lots of friends there and I learnt a of skills like echolocation so I don't need a guide dog to move around."
"This echolocation is the 'Vee~' sound you make?" Feliciano nodded.
"These friends at the blind school," Ludwig continued. "Did any of them find their soulmates?" Feliciano's smile slipped again and he nodded.
"S Si," he replied. "A few of them did." Ludwig made another note in Feli's file.
"Did any of them not want to find their soulmate?"
"There was one," Feli admitted. "His name was Vash. He said there was no point in looking for his soulmate if his heart was never going to beat and he wasn't interested in making a life with anyone, anyway. He said he had his little sister to look after and that was enough for him." Ludwig wrote that down. It looked like a stray comment had kicked off this self-isolation of Feliciano's and it had been going on for years. This Vash sounded like he was not looking for a partner, a life that might suit him but did not suit a personality like Feliciano.
"Have you kept in contact with the friends who found soulmates?" Ludwig asked. Feli lowered his head again, shaking it and Ludwig suspected that would be the case. Having cut himself from finding his own soulmate, it would be painful to be around friends who had not taken the same course.
"Perhaps you should try contacting some of them," Ludwig suggested. He had very little doubt that these friends would still be with their mates and probably happy. It would help Feliciano if he could discover a blind friend who was in a successful relationship with their soulmate. Feliciano shrugged but, maybe he would see if he could get in touch with some of his old friends, just to see what was going on in their lives.
"That's all for this session, Feliciano," Ludwig said, looking at the clock on the wall. "See the secretary about your appointment next week and please! Think about what we've discussed." Feliciano nodded and stood up, knowing the office like the back of his hand and made his way to the door.
"Thank you, Mr Ludwig," Feliciano said, from the door. "I'll see you next week, Arrivederci!" The door closed behind him.
Ludwig sighed. Feliciano was going to be a complicated case, so set he was on keeping away from his soulmate to 'save' them that he was cutting himself and his unknown soulmate off from being happy and Ludwig hoped he could help turn him away from such a path.
Feliciano had been his last patient so he picked up his patient files and left the office to take them to the secretary to refile. As he went into the outer office, he saw Feliciano talking to the young woman as she arranged his next appointment while they chatted and smiled as Feliciano was one of her favourites among the patients to come to the centre. Then Feliciano turned to leave and Ludwig realised that his eyes were open as they accidentally looked into his and he agreed with Elizaveta that Feliciano did have beautiful eyes, the colour of amber gold.
Ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump!
Ludwig's hand went to his chest in shock as the unexpected but long-awaited thump pounded in his chest and he looked up in time to see Feliciano 'Vee~'-ing out the door.
Feliciano was his soulmate!
Ludwig had a soulmate that, right now, was fighting fate with every fibre of his being. This had just got a whole lot more complicated.