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His first memories are fuzzy, but he does recall so much red on white floor, desperate screams and him running away. He remembers the pain and the cold and his own blood-stained hands. And while that wasn’t the beginning of the anguish—for he can think back of darker echoes that involve knives and flames and more screaming—that was surely what had triggered his anger and despair that kept following him around for years and years.
But he also remembers hope and happiness when he found Him again, alive and kicking. Sure, He had changed quite drastically over the years and in some twisted part of his mind there was a voice whispering, “It’s your fault, all your fault” but He was there, breathing and calling his name.
Turns out the other boy was more broken than he thought, and he realized it would take a long time to help Him heal and start trusting others again. They were both broken and lost, but they were together, and little by little they started mending each other, clinging to that lost warmth that had forced them apart.
He remembers thinking that he misses His easy smile, and remembers the usual voice murmuring, “It’s your fault.” He thinks if he could see Him smiling again, like he used to do when they were kids, he was willing to do anything, even if he had to destroy the world.
So when he opened his eyes this time, he swore that he wouldn’t screw up this time.
Yuu swore he was making Mika happy.
★★★
Yuu was 8 when his parents decided to move to another city. So far his life had been confusing, too much colour and too much noise, too many people and too many smiling faces. He was used to screams and blood and grey. Not this. Everything had been too overwhelming, and more changes had him in a bad mood.
He scowled all the way to his new school and didn’t even bother to lift his gaze from the ground when he was introduced to the other kids. He silently goes to his designated desk, flops down into the chair, and spends the whole class gazing out of the window.
At break, some kids swarm him asking him questions, but he doesn’t answer.
Where are you from? I was born in Tokyo, but now I was born in Nagoya, so I don’t really know. I just know I was born in Japan.
What was your town like? Decrepit. In ruins. Swarmed by monsters. Also quiet and peaceful.
Hey, do you play any sports? Want to play football with us? I used to play being a soldier, does that count?
He doesn’t know the right answers, so he replies in his mind and just stares blankly back at them.
Until a hand is shoved right beneath his nose.
“Hey, Yuu-chan!” says a happy chirping voice.
Yuu’s eyes widen. He hadn’t been called that since…
“My name’s Mikaela! I’m sure you feel lost around here, but now we are all your friends, so nice to meet you!”
His eyes look up to encounter that familiar blue, and he slowly lifts his hand to hold the one Mika has stretched for him.
★★★
To no one’s surprise, Yuu and Mika became inseparable. It had started with Mika grabbing Yuu’s small hand and taking him on a tour of the school and then teaching him about small detours they could take before going home. Then it was Yuu grinning widely and asking Mika where they would go after class, or if they could pair together for a project. But still, no one knows exactly how or when or why, but the always popular Mika, the Mika that was always surrounded by all his classmates and was pampered by adults, was always running after Yuu, arms wide and bright smiles.
And Yuu, who now remembers the familiar weight of the blond on his back and how he used to protest and whine about how heavy the other boy was, was always eager to receive a laughing Mika in his open arms.
★★★
The transition to middle school was foreign, and unsurprisingly Yuu didn’t know how to deal with entrance exams (or exams in general). On the other hand, Mika’s grades are always top of the class and he spends his free time helping his best friend study.
“It’s ok, Mika! It’s not like this crap will get inside my head, so go play with the others,” Yuu whined one day, feeling guilty Mika was teaching him instead of playing with their classmates.
Mika giggles and pokes Yuu’s cheek with his pencil.
“But I like seeing you put weird faces when you don’t understand things and then your happy faces when you finally get them!”
Yuu groans. Mika giggles again.
★★★
The older Yuu gets, the more vivid his memories become.
When they were 12, Yuu wakes up one day screaming. But even awake, he feels he can see the little bodies bleeding out on his room, he feels he can still feel Mika dying in his arms.
He spends the day at Mika’s, uncharacteristically quiet and hanging onto the other boy, touching his face as if to make sure he’s there and holding his hand all day. Mika finds it strange, but he seems to understand that Yuu doesn’t want to talk about it and just returns the hugs and hums a little song to cheer his friend up.
That night Yuu asks to stay at Mika’s house for the first time, and they end up hugging each other tightly, as if to make sure the other is really there and won’t disappear to leave them alone.
★★★
One day Yuu overhears some upperclassmen laughing at Mika, about how he looks so feminine that they should make sure he is actually a boy, and hearing about the things they wanted to do to him makes his blood boil.
He ends up at the nursery with some bruises but he is happy, because he realizes that the training he had done was still somewhat engraved in his body so he can still fight for important things, like Mika.
He is not so happy about the nagging Mika is making about how irresponsible he had been, though.
★★★
It’s a normal day when Yuu goes to a family restaurant with his parents, and everything would have been normal, if Yuu hadn’t spotted Guren studying at a table. He wonders if he should call out to him, but the stressed and angry aura he is exhaling—he is a university student now, isn’t he?—makes him reconsider, because he still remembers how his kicks hurt.
Everything would have gone smoothly if only Guren hadn’t hit his big toe on a corner, hadn’t spilled his drink all over the floor, hadn’t yelled in pain, and Yuu hadn’t howled in laughter.
Turns out Guren’s kicks are still painful.
★★★
The three years at middle school pass like a blur, in which Mika and Yuu are always together. They laugh together, they study together, they play together. They also have some fights, but they quickly reconcile and spend the following days holding hands, as if just apologizing wasn’t enough.
And Yuu thinks that maybe this is okay. It’s not perfect, but Mika is happy, so he is happy as well.
★★★
Yuu is surprised the first day of high school when he spots Kimizuki and Yoichi. Both of them are in his class but don’t show any signs of recognising him, and Yuu wonders if he really is the only one who remembers. Because he knows Mika well enough to know that he doesn’t have any recollections of his past life, and even if he does, Yuu doesn’t want him to relive those dark years he spent as a vampire in Sanguinem, afraid and alone. He doesn’t want Kimizuki to relive seeing his sister being used as a war weapon or Yoichi to relive seeing his sister getting killed. So he doesn’t bring it up even after he had several fights with Kimizuki, not even after Yoichi becomes his usual partner in classes where they had to do assignments in pairs.
He wonders if Shinoa and Mitsuba are somewhere in this school as well or if they went to a more prestigious one. Should he go looking for them or maybe he’s not meant to meet them this time?
He looks at Mika from afar, because since they started high school they are in different classes and he has become so popular he is always getting called by squalling girls and noisy boys—he used to be like that in elementary school before I came along, Yuu remembers—and he looks so peaceful surrounded by so many people who love him that Yuu wants him to enjoy this new life.
But even in the middle of that sea of people, Mika always spots him and his smile brightens, then he always struggles to get to Yuu’s side. And when he does his eyes are shining and he seems so happy, Yuu can’t help but to smile as well.
For now, he decides he should stop worrying and focus on making Mika happy.
★★★
Yuu doesn’t understand what’s going on. A blushing girl hands him a pink envelope and she confesses she’s always liked him. But he has never even talked to this girl, he doesn’t know her name and he is almost positive that he has never seen her before. Even though he feels that something similar has already happened, he doesn’t remember what he did that one time, because he only remembers fighting Shinoa on the rooftop and letting her win.
The girl looks up to him, waiting for his answer, fingers playing nervously with the hem of her skirt. Yuu wonders what should he say, when he sees Mika turning a corner. Mika stops, his eyes widen (in surprise, or in shock, Yuu can’t tell), before he lowers his gaze and hurries his steps.
Yuu doesn’t even think it twice when he immediately returns the letter and tells her no, he doesn’t even know her and maybe someone else will make her happier, and chases after Mika.
Mika is easy to find, and when Yuu calls his name, he quickly turns around with a smirk.
“Hey, Mr. Popular!”
“Stop it,” replies Yuu with a frown, because the popular one is Mika, and one doesn’t need to know the blond in depth to know his smile is forced.
“So, are you going to date her?” the blond continues, forced smile still in his face.
“Mika,” Yuu says in a warning tone.
“I can’t believe how fast they grow, yesterday Yuu-chan was still a cry-baby and today—”
“I’M NOT DATING HER, OKAY!?”
Mika is surprised at his friend sudden outburst so he stops mid-sentence and stays still. Yuu sighs.
“Mika, look, I don’t even know her, and it just feels… wrong.”
The blond is still speechless, but slowly nods his head in understanding, waiting for Yuu to continue. But he himself doesn’t know what he wants and what are his thoughts about what had just happened—who had time for romance when you were fighting for your life everyday?—so when he comes up empty, he just furiously scratches his head.
“Argh, you know what? Let’s go get ice cream at your favourite place. Who cares about girls anyway? As long as you are with me, everything will be alright.”
And just like that Mika genuinely smiles.
★★★
“Hey, Yuu-chan, what do you want to be when you finish school?” Mika asks in one of their study breaks.
Yuu is about to say he wants to become a soldier because he is sure he doesn’t have the brains to go to university and fighting monsters is the only thing he knows he is good at, but his mind flashes back to a red-eyed Mika shouting “Yuu-chan, don’t!” and “No, Yuu-chan!” while the vampire also charges at the enemy in an attempt to protect him. Yuu winces at the memory and he realizes that if he were to enlist here as well, Mika would always worry about him and that is not what either of them wants. So Yuu just shrugs, and hopes he will be able to come to a real answer soon.
★★★
Yuu didn’t have any interest in mixers nor going to karaoke with classmates, preferring to spend his time playing video games or watching anime rather than going to one. Everyone knew this so they had stopped asking him, and Yuu was pretty glad he didn’t have to keep declining because it had been tiring as fuck. He knew Mika would sometimes go with people to sing karaoke, but after the first time the blond convinced him to go and Yuu ended up with a severe headache, not even a pouting Mika could persuade him to go again.
He guessed that even though they were best friends and knew the other better than themselves, they could still have different interests and hobbies.
But when Mika asked him to go with him to a mixer, Yuu could only stare back in disbelief instead of his usual quick refusal. He stared at his best friend, who was smiling goofily, and wondered if he had heard right. Yuu was happy Mika wanted to meet more people, but some part of him was mad and jealous, because Mika had been with him for so, so long, that seeing him go away with another person was not fair. And it felt so wrong, because he thought that as long as Mika was happy he was happy as well, but now he didn’t want his best friend to get a girlfriend, achieve happiness. That just didn’t feel right.
Mika seemed to understand the turmoil going through Yuu’s head, and was quick to explain that he had to go because he promised to do so in exchange of some limited edition goods, that they were missing one person, and that he would feel so much better if Yuu was with him.
Yuu stared back in confusion for a few seconds until he muttered a deadpan “Why would you do that.”
“Yuu-chan, you have to understand that I can’t go to every Seraph of the End event and I really need that keychain for… important purposes.”
And Mika said all that with such a serious face that Yuu could only laugh and accepted going to the mixer just so Mika could stop pouting.
Yuu fidgeted in his seat, uncomfortable. It wasn’t that the teasing Shinoa and Mitsuba were putting him through was horrible—well, it was, and it had been quite a surprise to meet them both in a mixer—but the way that the third girl, who turned out to be Akane, was openly flirting with Mika and how the blond was happily returning the flirting, was making him feel weird. How and when did that happen? Not counting the fact that Mika knew how to flirt (Ok, that was shocking and he didn’t know that Mika had that ability. They had spent almost all their lives together and suddenly your best friend shows that he can do something you don’t know he could do nor remember him learning? That was like a betrayal!), Akane was alive and making romantic advances to Mika? What the hell?
Maybe he had spent too much time watching Mika and Akane, trying to organize his thoughts, because Shinoa leaned forward and tapped Yuu on his arm to gain his attention.
“Yuu, you need to learn from him, or you’ll end a lonely cherry boy until the end of your days,” smirked Shinoa.
Mitsuba snorted and both girls shared a knowing stare, which made Yuu shiver.
“Oh, Mikaela!” sighed Shinoa dramatically, a hand to her head as if she were to faint “I am so, so lonely, why won’t girls notice me already?”
“Oh, my dear Yuuichiro!” exclaimed Mitsuba, her hands over her heart. “How can you say you are lonely when I am with you?”
“But Mikaela, you and your amazing dick get all the girls you want! It’s not the same! If only I—”
“No, don’t say anymore! If you want my dick, you only need to ask!”
“Mikaela, stop! If you start saying those things, I won’t be able to resist!”
“Tell me, Yuuichiro! What do you desire?”
“I want not only your dick, but all of you!”
“Oh, Yuuichiro! Actually, me too!”
“Mikaela!”
“Yuuichiro!”
Both girls hugged each other in what they supposed was a teary confession, and then turned at the same time to smirk at Yuu, who only stared back with a deadpan expression, already used to their antics. He could not believe that even this annoying quirk of them got transferred to this life, and he really hoped there were no little kids nearby who got mentally or psychologically scarred by their stunt.
Luckily, there were no kids in the vicinity but most people could hear the two girls roleplaying, so there was an awkward silence hanging up in the air. The third guy at the mixer—Yuu had already forgotten his name—coughed nervously. Akane giggled quietly, apparently used to this kind of behaviour as well. And Mika…
Mika started laughing. At first Yuu was relieved that Mika was not disgusted, but his relief turned into worry when his friend wouldn’t stop laughing and it went for such a long time that Yuu was forced to accompany the blond to the toilet because maybe he would calm down there.
When they came back to the table, Shinoa at least had the grace to look sorry.
“In our defence, we didn’t plan this to end up that gay,” whispered Mitsuba.
★★★
Yuu now wakes up to tons of messages from Shinoa and Mitsuba, who had formed a messaging group and had added him after the mixer. He shouldn’t have been surprised to see Kimizuki and Yoichi in there as well—apparently the four of them went to the same middle school—but he still typed a “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE TELEPHONE POLE” in the chat room as soon as he saw the names. He is taken aback by how familiar the Shinoa squad’s messages feel, so much that he wonders when Shinoa is going to tell them about their next mission to kill horsemen or the sort.
He ponders whether he should add Mika as well. He remembers wanting them all to bond, because they were all his precious family.
But he doesn’t, because suddenly there’s a question in his mind that somehow distracts him from what he should be doing.
Where’s Narumi?
★★★
“Akane asked me out.”
The statement is sudden, and Yuu really has to stop what he is doing to try to focus in what his friend is saying, or is going to say.
“She’s really nice,” Mika continues, but he is not looking at Yuu.
I know, Yuu wants to say. We lived together for four years, so I know she’s a nice girl. And her curry was good, which is a plus.
But he is not stupid, so he knows this is not about curry, nor about how great she is as a friend or a family member.
Yuu knows that this was going to end up happening sooner or later. He remembers all the chocolate Mika receives each Valentine and how he would share them with him because there was no way he could eat them all. He remembers all the girls who flock around him constantly. He remembers the amount of love letters he gets and how he goes home and reads them all because he doesn’t want their feelings to just go straight to the waste bin. He remembers all that, but Yuu still curls his hand in a fist and looks up to the sky.
The blue sky, like Mika’s eyes.
The silence stretches for a few minutes and no one says a word. Yuu knew this was going to happen, but he kept repeating the same mantra in his head over and over again.
This is about Mika’s happiness.
“Yuu-chan?” Mika whispers.
Yuu turns to look at him. For the first time it feels like he can’t read the emotions behind those cerulean eyes, so he whispers a question back.
“Are you happy?”
Mika stares back, sighs, and shakes his head. The blond gently takes Yuu’s hand and pries it open, and Yuu slowly leans forward until their foreheads are touching.
“I will turn her down,” Mika whispers, and Yuu could almost cry in relief.
Mika’s hands are warm.
★★★
Yuu knows he is being selfish, but he has always been so he doesn’t care. He hogs Mika in every break now, not minding how the girls whine because they wanted to spend time with the blond as well. They spend a lot of time in class with him after all.
Maybe he is scared of being left alone. Maybe he is scared that Mika will change and Yuu won’t be able to recognise him anymore. Or maybe he is scared someone will come and take him away and make him happier than ever, and show him how he failed at the only thing he swore to do in this life.
He just wants Mika to be happy. But he realized he wants to be happy too.
★★★
“Yuu-chan.”
Yuu looks up from his textbook. Mika is watching him, as if he were studying him.
“What do you think about Shinoa?”
Yuu doesn’t know why, but an image of Shinoa groping Mitsuba flashes in his mind and he shivers. He is not sure if it was from his previous life or from this one, though.
“Akane says she might like you,” Mika sounds amused, and Yuu groans.
He remembers hearing Guren telling Shinoa that she loved him, when he was roaming Ferid’s mansion one night. Shinoa was quiet, and Yuu recalls feeling awkward and quickly going back to the room he shared with Mika.
It feels like a déjà vu and he doesn’t like it, even though he should be used to them by now.
Yuu slumps down on the small low table in Mika’s room. He is now busy studying for exams; he has no time for this drama again, for fuck’s sake.
Mika giggles and pokes him on the head, the way he likes doing when he feels Yuu is being lazy or uncooperative. Most times he would glare back, but this time Yuu feels tired because the talk of Shinoa and love made him recall Guren’s calls of “have sex with Shinoa already you cherry boy” which he didn’t understand at the time—and he still doesn’t, because what’s the correlation between sex and power ups? That doesn’t make any sense—and his nagging made his present self have a headache. So he slowly moves closer to Mika and just drops his head on his lap, groaning all the time.
Mika laughs and his hands starts running through Yuu’s dark locks in what he hopes are relaxing movements.
“What, flat-chested girls not your interest?” Mika jokes.
“Everyone should stick their love interests up their ass,” Yuu mutters tiredly.
“Ouch, that would hurt. I hope you aren’t that big, then.”
There is silence. Mika’s hands on Yuu stop. Yuu forgets how to breathe.
Somehow, Asuramaru’s voice whispers in Yuu’s head and he knows that this time it’s not a memory.
“I take the form of who is the most important to you. Never wondered why it was always Mika?”
And somehow, everything starts making sense. Why he felt the world was cruel and horrible and that love and family were stupid terms after Mika died. Why he felt that there was still hope and goodness in the world when he found out Mika was alive. Why he stopped believing vampires were ugly bloodsuckers when Mika become one. Why he agreed on being experimented on and agreed on fighting angels if that meant that Mika could be turned back into a human. Why the first rational thought he had after waking up was making Mika happy.
Mika starts stuttering excuses, and Yuu finds it adorable, until he takes pity on him and sits up, looking straight into those cerulean eyes he liked so much.
“I love you too, Mika.”
And Mika stares back in shock, until he seems to process the information, smiles brightly and tackles Yuu in a hug that takes all the air from his lungs.
★★★
They start dating, and Yuu is surprised that after the initial shock in the female student population and Kimizuki’s “Eww, gross” that lacked malice, no one comes forward to openly berate them for being gay. On the contrary, they are supportive and congratulate them, because apparently it was high time they got together.
He sometimes sees sniffing girls around and overhears commentaries like “It’s such a waste, they were both pretty cool,” but makes sure Mika doesn’t hear them. He doesn’t need any negativity in his life.
Mika seems happier than ever, stealing kisses whenever he can, and Kimizuki groans because he is not a fan of PDA.
“At least idiot Yuu’s genes won’t be passed down to some unfortunate kid,” he mutters.
Yuu starts another fight with Kimizuki and Mika’s laugh can be heard from afar.
★★★
Yuu’s fingers linger on Mika’s cheek, and while he is tempted to poke him awake, he doesn’t, because the blond looks so peaceful sleeping he feels he would be committing a capital crime if he wakes him up.
But Mika wakes up anyway and stares back at Yuu.
“What are you thinking so hard about? You will burn out your few remaining brain cells, you know?”
Yuu pinches his nose in retaliation, and Mika laughs.
“I just remembered about that time in the mixer, when you were flirting with Akane. I was wondering when the hell did you learn how to flirt, you god dammed cheater. And then you had the guts to wonder why she fell for you afterwards.”
Mika smiles sheepishly.
“Can you believe that around that time I started watching tons of romantic movies to see if I could learn one or two things from them? And then I thought I should practice if I wanted to use them on you one day, so yeah. Shit happens, I guess.”
Yuu is speechless for a few seconds and hits Mika on his naked chest, not minding for once that the blond might be still quite sore and it could hurt. To be honest, there were worse ways to show Mika how mad he was, after all.
“God dammit,” Yuu curses. “You scared me to death that day! Not to mention the day you told me Akane confessed to you!”
Mika kisses his nose as if asking for forgiveness and Yuu burrows himself in his boyfriend’s neck. Mika laughs again and holds him tight for the rest of the night.
★★★
The sun is going down and they look down, watching how the buildings light up. Yuu spots a familiar mountain and wonders if there are vampires lurching underneath it, wonders if Krul is still reigning over Sanguinem if that’s the case and if Ferid is dead yet.
A little squeeze in their joined hands brings his mind to reality and he blinks to see Mika giving him an amused look.
“What are you thinking about, Yuu-chan?”
He thinks of vampires and horsemen. Of fighting and blood. Of demons and angels. Of family and Mika.
But that was a past life, so he smiles because now he can think of the future.
“I was wondering if you were happy.”
Mika looks out of the Kyoto Tower for a few seconds and then glances down to his engagement ring, a tender smile on his face.
“I am. Thank you, Yuu-chan.”